Parents with children of different ages talk to me about school. The most common concern among these parents is homework; their children are not self disciplined enough to get the work done on their own.
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The question is, when should you, as a parent stop reminding your child to get his homework done and when should stop helping him actually do it? I asked this question of 1st-3rd grade Montessori teacher, Rachel Pulido, who has more than 30 years of teaching experience. “By third grade, an average student should be able to do her homework on her own, without being reminded. It’s normal for parents to want to step in, but it is better if children in third grade and higher suffer the consequences of not getting their work done. Otherwise they will not learn to be independent and self motivated.”
This is great advice. While it may be upsetting for parents to watch a child’s grade slump, this is the best way for the student to learn self discipline.”Middle school students should be completely self sufficient about managing their assignments. It’s fine for them to ask for help at times, but they should not be guided by their parents or reminded about deadlines.”
As far as children with learning disabilities, Ms. Pulido said, “This is a different story. No matter what the age of the child, you will have to be more involved. If not, the student may disconnect and lose interest, because the work may be too overwhelming.”
Not long ago, I watched a news segment about a healthy, normal 6th grade boy, who severely lacked confidence. It turned out that his mother was obsessed with him getting everything correct on his homework and excelling on all his tests. She laid out his work on the dining room table, sat him down and watched and pointed as he filled in worksheets. She checked every answer, read his textbooks, quizzed him excessively and called teachers often to ask questions. The stress this created for him was insurmountable. He was afraid to try anything on his own without the approval of his mom, including making the simplest decisions (like what flavor of ice cream he should order). His well-meaning, yet controlling mother created a helpless, insecure, unhappy child. A counselor worked with her to show her how her controlling actions were detrimental to her son.
While this is an extreme case, it is representative of a common problem. So unless your child has a learning disability, let her face the consequences of slacking off with homework. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries and communicating exactly what your expectations are and what the repercussions will be if her grades start slipping. But rather than doing the work for her, let your child learn the the best way – by making old fashioned mistakes and suffering the consequences.