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Author: Judith Viorst
Illustrator: Ray Cruz

All this week, football fans across the nation are sympathizing with young Alexander. With all the betting that goes on around the Superbowl, many Americans used to be rich last Sunday. I mean, the Patriots seemed like such a lock...

It just goes to show, gambling is bad. Are you listening, kids? Gambling. Bad. Don't turn away, take a good hard look at that picture of poor Alexander and you'll see the fate that awaits you if you enter into the shady world of sports gambling. If you're not careful, you could be that loser in the unlucky football jersey standing alone with empty pockets and a deflated spirit. Don't let that be you.

Luckily, I don't gamble on sports (not that I have any money to gamble with anyways), so I didn't lose any money by betting on my Patriots (I know they cheated, but your team is your team).

Even though I didn't lose money and even though it is just a sport, as a Pats fan, I still feel like I've lost something on Sunday. I mean, as if this miracle play wasn't bad enough...



...someone had to go convert the play into the following clip, which has to potential to simultaneously taint a great Radiohead song and the memory of my favorite Nintendo game.




I may not have lost any money on last Sunday's game, but like Alexander, I felt much richer last Sunday.

Authors: Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
Illustrator: Henry Cole

In this charming book, two penguins at the New York Central Park Zoo fall in love and start a family. The twist? The two penguins are both dudes! And Tango Makes Three is based on the true story of Roy and Silo, two male penguins who become inseparable and, with the help of a progressive zookeeper, become the first same-sex couple at the zoo. This unique relationship soon makes them a featured attraction as they challenge the American public's perceptions of gender relations.

So what's next for this celebrity family? Well, having captured the imagination of animal lovers everywhere, Roy and Silo decide to leverage their newfound fame and request a transfer to the world-renowned San Diego Zoo. Not only will they get greater exposure at their posh new digs, but they will be able to live in a city that has unexpectedly found itself on cutting edge of gay rights. Last week Jerry Sanders, mayor of the overwhelmingly conservative San Diego, came out in support of gay marriage in a surprising and heartfelt announcement (see below).



Mayor Sanders is sure to encounter some backlash, but hopefully his gutsy announcement will set the example for other politicians. And who knows? If he can effectively utilize the adorable And Tango Makes Three crew to provide some much-needed P.R. support, he might even make it to the next election.

Library Controversy Note: Of course a children's book about a same-sex couple will stir some controversy. When it first came out, many concerned parents took issue with the penguins' rainbow connection and tried to shield their children from its unconventional portrayal of love. Most offended localities tried to ban the book, but in Missouri, parents had the bright idea to have the book moved to the school library's non-fiction section.

Close-minded? Perhaps.
Politically savvy? Most definitely.

Whereas other parents went through official channels to get rid of the book and ran into legal difficulties, Missouri circumvented the system by burying it in the non-fiction section of the library... which is like hiding candy in the vegetable drawer. What kid is ever going to look for it there? Whether or not you agree with their stance on homosexuality, you have to give them some props for their kooky ingenuity.

Though this plan may backfire... now that And Tango Makes Three is in the non-fiction section, penguin homosexuality is officially a fact and will be used as a reference book for elementary school research projects on penguins all over Missouri. The Show Me State will never look at penguins the same again.

Author: Judi Barrett
Illustrator: Ron Barrett

From the same warped minds that brought you Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, comes this cantankerous manifesto about the ridiculousness of animals wearing clothes. My favorite example is the moose getting thwarted by a pair of suspenders.

Animals wearing clothing is always a strange proposition, especially in the world of cartoons. This was at the heart of one of the most confounding questions of childhood--what is known as The Goofy and Pluto Paradox.

I'm sure you are all familiar with this: Goofy and Pluto are both dogs. Goofy, however, always wears clothes and walks and talks like a human, while Pluto is a more traditional dog who can only bark and saunters around in his birthday suit. Yet they both exist in the same world... how can this be? As a child, you are expected to suspend disbelief and take for granted that within the same world, one dog could be an autonomous being, while the other is a mouse's pet. Though I must admit that I don't ever remember Goofy and Pluto appearing in the same cartoon. The animators at Disney must have known that the idea of Goofy taking Pluto out for a walk was too much to ask, even of children.

When exploring the "Magical World of Disney," you find a common thread that begins to explain the difference between the more human animals from the less human. That common thread is clothing. Disney has built a strange mythology in which clothes act as the catylyst that unleashes the anthropomorphic potential in animals. (Apparently, instead of eating an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, all you have to do is buy a pair of slacks from Banana Republic.) In the Magic Kingdom, it really is the clothes that make the man. I mean, there is no way Pluto would walk around barking on all fours if they allowed him to put on a sweater vest and some Dockers.

A Few More Examples:

Chip N' Dale: In the early days, these two are a couple of mischievous chipmunks who have human characteristics, but are still very much animals. They don't talk, they just chatter in a way that seems vaguely human. They also do not wear any clothes.



It isn't until they start wearing clothes that they become Chip N' Dale: Rescue Rangers! Sporting fancy new duds, these mischievous chipmunks become fully humanoid and start their own detective agency.

And there is no way that they would solve crime without clothes... like Adam & Eve after putting on that first fig leaf, they are too much too self-conscious now. Once they've put on their first article of clothing, there's no turning back. They would be ashamed to go au natural, so they will be forced to wear clothes forever. (Somewhere, the snakes that run the fashion industry are laughing and rolling around in their piles of money.)

(Note: Further evidence can be found in the dehumanizing quality of Chippendales, an organization dedicated to men taking their clothes off and turning them into objects. )


Donald Duck: The humanizing power of clothing can also explain the trials of the tragicomic Donald Duck. Perhaps his debilitating speech impediment and inability to control his emotions can be attributed to the fact that he only wears a sailor top and no pants (though, to be fair, he's not the first sailor to be caught without any pants on). Maybe he cannot fully master the human art of conversation until he becomes fully-clothed. (It should be noted that Mickey wears a shorts but no shirt. So he technically not fully clothed either. But this is a much more conventional practice among humans. So there is no conflict there.)

Which bring up another question: How come Donald Duck never wore pants... but he would wear a bathing suit? What gives?! Where is the logic in that?! Rumors are that Finland, apparently fed up with Donald's antics, banned the Duck in 1977, citing indecent exposure. So... nudity is fine, but partial nudity is indecent. Apparently, Finnish laws are as confounding as the laws that govern the Magic Kingdom.

Plagiarism Disclaimer: It seems inevitable that a discussion about Donald Duck's lack of pants takes place in a Kevin Smith movie. It has to have been a side conversation in Clerks or Clerks II, but I don't know for sure. If you know of any such conversation, I'd appreciate the reference... and a copy of the DVD sent to my home.

A Quick For Your Consideration Note:

Consider the relationships of these four characters...



Does this sound vaguely familiar to you? Now check out the relationships between the characters below:



Uncanny, isn't it? Bizarro Jerry, meet Bizarro Mickey.