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I’ve been reading a lot of government documents lately, and I find the authors often use several words where one would do. For instance, the words “due to the fact that” could easily be replaced by “because.” This kind of puffery slows down text and ruins the flow. Beginning writers may have a hard time detecting it because it even creeps into two-word combinations. The following redundancies could all be said in one word. I’m sure you can think of others.

• absolutely vital
• advance planning
• basic essentials
• brief synopsis
• circle around
• close proximity
• completely unanimous
• continue on
• cooperate together
• enclosed herewith
• end result
• final conclusion
• free gift
• identical match
• new innovation
• old adage
• personal opinion
• refer back
• repeat again
• sit down
• stand up
• sudden impulse
• sum total
• summarize briefly
• usual habit

I worry that this inflated language will slip into my writing because I’m reading so much of it. And I remember how many years it took me to break the habit of saying “unthaw” instead of thaw. On guard!

It's the 2nd annual collection of Zombie Guess the Plots. The following Guess the Plots have appeared over the past year, but three of them turned out to be the actual plot of the book. Regular readers may spot them. Newbies: Good luck.

1. Devout Catholic Dana Carmichael wears gloves to avoid picking up psychic impressions from everything she touches. But when a demon torments her with his theory that Jesus was a zombie, the gloves come off.

2. Sillibub Harvey, chef on the Orient Express, is dumbfounded to find himself face to face with a herd of zombie cows--cows unhappy with the meal plan--in the kitchen. But here he is, wondering if he'll survive to become a vegetarian, or if the phrase, "your ass is grass" will take on a more sinister meaning.

3. Lillianne Dillmouth has always been lucky, in love, in work, in health. But when zombies take over her small village and make a contest of choosing their next victim, she's hoping she loses.

4. Corbin Dooble has studied hard for his pilot's licence. But the plane he borrowed for his first solo is not exactly what he imagined. Nor did he expect it to be equipped with heat-seeking missiles and a crew of zombies.

5. It was just one small night, out of 365 that year, but June 18th, when a herd of zombie cows came through Butte, seemed like it would last forever.

6. When Benny Johnson and his partner stop for dinner before the biggest stakeout of their lives, Benny orders eggs, and his partner orders . . . brains. Soon Benny finds out why. Jeez, ya think ya know someone.

7. Feverish and lost in the Forest of Doom, Jack Harper is saved by a stranger. Little does he know that eating a half-rotten apple and drinking from a leaky bowl completes the local marriage ritual. One sip later, he is married to a being known as the Crazy Zombie Granny With A Bouncy Afro.

8. His beat is the inner city, and he sees it all: vampires, zombies, werewolves -- but mostly demons. In fact, they call him Demon's Bane because he's sent so many back to the Netherworld. When the ultimate challenge becomes the ultimate temptation, can Bane hold on to his reputation . . . and his heart?

9. Tracey Robinson wasn't supposed to even go to her aunt's wedding, but a last minute change of plans had her driving south. Little did she know that a chance encounter with a dashing stranger at a rest stop would end with her engaged to the antichrist, who has at his command a thousand zombies waiting to take over the world.

10. Jake Ramirez pulls a green crayon from his pocket and draws a "safe line" around the corner dining table and chairs at Luigi's Pizza. Which seems daft to his date, Nonna Flores. But she's glad he did it -- when the zombies arrive.

11. Tamara likes to wander through the local cemetery while her husband cavorts with their whore neighbor. But lately Tamara's realized that something beneath the soil is not resting in peace. Could it be . . . ZOMBIES?!

12. Tanya is beyond bored with the life she's chosen as a taxidermist, something her bohemian, Voodoo-practicing mother warned her about. But hilarity ensues when she tries to learn the old ways of her ancestry and finds she has little talent for controlling the dead.

13. Nate Wainwright can't do anything about the past. He isn't yet accountable for the future. But he sure as hell better get those zombies out of his basement if he's going to have any shot at all with that hot vampiress down the block.

14. Petra is determined to catch the killer who has been decimating the population of Shady Oaks Retirement Village. And this time, she has the right bait: Fresh brains! If she doesn't catch the real killer soon, however, she's going to prison for a long, long time.

15. 90 year old Marvin Granville kicked the ball that won the championship for his team in 1935, but who remembers? He does, and he still wears sturdy shoes so if zombie cows invade the Garden O'Rest Home, he's ready.

16. Dana's aunt mail-ordered a husband, but the man seems to be a zombie, and he's not the only one in town. The living dead are growing in numbers, and the only way Dana can uncover the mastermind is to make a deal . . . with the vampires.

17. Plucky teenager Zenobia Schwartz battles the zombies who have invaded her Connecticut prep school. Inspired by historic tales, she places the heads of decapitated zombies on her school fence to deter others. But she has a better idea when she spots an ant hill out front.

18. When llamas and zombie cows begin acting strangely, cultists, roaming ostriches, and rival biker gangs are suspected, until one woman exposes the true culprits: parasitic brain-worms from outer space!

19. After years of struggle it looked like Winne Campbell's organic goat cheese would finally make her rich -- until the zombies showed up. Now Winnie and goat wrangler Jorge Santiago prepare to make their last stand on the roof of the barn, armed with only a potato cannon and the will to survive.

20. Boggy John didn't spell real good, but he had a knack for grilling steaks. Once people found out Zombie Stakeout was a restaurant, Boggy had more business than he could handle. But would they keep coming if they found out where he got his meat?


Answers below.


Click the label below for last year's zombie quiz.


Actual plots: 11, 16, 18