Are you unemployed? Do you struggle paying the bills, feeding the family, and keeping the electricity on?
Well my friend you have just stumbled across the best article you could have done. All I hope is your dial up suppliers supply you with just enough time to read this article, before they terminate your contract :-O
its the recession, becoming financially crippled is a fear for many during these hard times. But how do you survive when your boss goes loco and shoots him self because the multi-million pound business that once thrived has has gone bankrupt? Well this list is going to tell you with the latest HOW TO!
- Your hunger needs. Okay you have been made unemployed. Those days of a 9-5 Job are over, you dreamed of this day right? Wrong you dreamed of retirement sitting in your dream house with no more work. You didn’t dream about being broke smelly and homeless. This is not good, first things first you need a nice meal in your stomach you won’t have the energy to survive my how to guide without one. But how you ask? well first of all you must cut that dead weight! Like a plane that is losing altitude fast because of an excessive payload you need to lose a few items. In this case your family, there’s no room for them anymore say bye to the wife and kids. You will have enough trouble feeding yourself during these troublesome times let alone some growing kids and your wife unless shes Paris Hilton in that case she will not need feeding!
Okay so you have cut the dead weight, now you need to actually obtain food FOR FREE! You could beg but our how to guides are about thinking outside the box. So this is what you do first of all you get your self in your sharpest suit which was left over from your 9-5 Job then grab some of your wife’s old fancy shopping bags with the expensive brand names printed on them that shout “MONEY, MONEY, MONEY” Fill them with old news papers and other worthless items to supply a realistic weight. Then your all set, step into a local restaurant and order a fulling meal that leaves you on the verge of exploding. So now your all full up but how to leave the place without paying? Well simple you order a dessert when they bring it over say you need to take a phone call outside and ask if they will watch your bags you will be two minutes. You stroll outside and never return leaving the bags full of worthless junk behind MUWHAHAHA Mission: Obtain Free Meal COMPLETE.
- No place like home. So you have ditched the family and obtained free food now you need a place to stay. But where? well you have a couple of choices. Choice one the dis-honest way those who say this is for people with no morals bare with me. Its important to take into consideration that this is your last resort, when all is lost during these troubling times. So here it is your first choice. You find a local bar and go up to the most ugliest chick/dude on the premises, you maintain a level of conversation and keep the compliments frequently coming as this chick or dude is most likely used to people frequently running. After this comes the STING you fake a phone call, oh dear your best friend is in hospital and you have lost your wallet! What will you do your distort your friend could be dying and your not even at the hospital! But wait I’m sure your new friend will help :-). Either this or you manage to get yourself a one night stand with the ugly dude/chick (bare in mind this is a last resort i repeat A LAST RESORT) Either Way Problem Solved! you have managed to obtain a “Taxi Fare” which will really be used to get a room for the night at a nice little hotel.
- Transport - Start going places. So you have managed to secure yourself a place to stay and get your self something to eat but this lying lifestyle ain’t for you. You need to start looking for a new job in order to get your life back on track and start going places. So what to do well for this one we figure you need to get your karma restored back to its normal neutral self. So simply ask around until you come across the good Samaritan that pays for your fare and sends you on your road to financial recovery.
Thanks for reading, I would like to make note this was made to lend a comical hand to the current seriousness that is everywhere from our media to our homes.