What is the difference between having a pity party and feeling sad about a circumstance?
A friend just asked this in an email, and I'm intrigued.
I'm not very good at either one, I admit. I tend to soldier on no matter what, but I've been learning that this is not a healthy or helpful response to difficulty.
And I'm in pain right now. Real, physical pain. It sounds like I have an ulcer, though I tested negative for the H pylori bacteria. So it was probably caused by my preference for an ibuprofen and an aspirin whenever I get a headache, which is a couple times a week. Here I thought I was safeguarding my liver by not taking acetimenophen--although it never worked as well for me--but now my duodenum is paying for it. Sigh.
But I'm not just having abdominal pain; the referred pain to my back is actually worse most of the time. And since coffee, tea and caffeine are stomach acid triggers, I've been having terrible headaches getting weaned off them. And feeling tired, of course. Fatigue and pain don't mix well; they set off alarms in my body that make all my muscles tense up. Then I get tension headaches to add to the caffeine withdrawal headaches.
And I'm getting tired of soup.
And I badly want some of my kids' Halloween candy.
Waaaaaahhh! I think I would like a pity party, after all, please.
But I just keep going. Work distracts me from the pain, and besides, the world would end if I slowed down, right? Part of me wants to just go to bed and read all day, but I can't. Too many events and visitors and obligations and responsibilities.
I just realized that I've barely prayed for myself, for healing or any other need, since this pain began. I have prayed for others, though, more diligently than usual. What's that about?
I remember another time of great pain. It was psychic, not physical, and all I could pray during that time was "Lord, have mercy on me." I had no other words than that. I look back and I still don't see what good came out of those events, except that I learned to lean into Jesus in a way I never had before. I wasn't able to soldier on as usual during that time. I stopped reading my Bible, stopped journalling, slowed way down on the blogging, said no to many good things, and in some ways, I'm still not recovered. But every week during that time, it was another free fall into Jesus' arms, and He caught me each time. Despite my lack of words to tell Him what I was feeling.
I think this time I've spoken too many words about my pain. My friends, my parents, my in-laws, they all know about it and are praying, and that lifts me up. I feel it. But I've probably turned to them instead of turning to Jesus and resting in Him. The other time, I had to keep my pain to myself. It wasn't something I could share with very many people. It drove me to Jesus' arms instead.
We need others, though. I have depended on the prayers of others when I could not pray for myself. I needed understanding when all around me, life was clouded with misunderstanding. I had grief to process, and it helped me to process it with others. But it wasn't pity that I sought or needed; it was strength. Strength in prayer, in encouragement, in perseverance.
Oswald Chambers said:
Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Chr
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 11/1/2011
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 9/29/2011
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I think God has been trying to get something through to me.
It's in books I'm reading, sermons I'm hearing, video ads I'm viewing, conversations I'm having, counsel I am receiving. I am beginning to get the message, I think, although it has a ways to go to sink down from head to heart. I'm not even certain of all the implications. But I think God is telling me I'm looking at myself the wrong way.
I'm not a sinner, in need of God's mercy and grace. I'm a sinner, already saved by grace.
The distinction is subtle, but critical. The first perspective puts the burden on me, the sinner, to come to God, to repent, to ask for what I need. The second viewpoint puts the emphasis on God, on what He has already done, and not just for me, but for all sinners who have put their trust in Him. It's not even something that "I just need to embrace," as I wanted to write just now. It's already embracing me. If there is anything I need to do, it's just to be thankful.
As Brennan Manning says in The Ragamuffin Gospel:
The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. He knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace.
Growing up in a tradition that didn't emphasize regular repentance, there was something about weekly confession in the liturgical service that appealed to me, that felt right and good. I'd like to say that it was an expression of gratitude, as Manning says, but in hindsight, I'm thinking it appealed more to the "good girl" in me, looking for ways to please God and earn his approval...and my own.
I'm not sure what it is in me that thinks I must earn what I could just have...or thinks I need to judge whether I deserve it or not. But it's been a revelation to discover that in fact, that's what I've been doing...when I could just delight in what is already mine.
For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. (Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel)
More pleasing to Me than all your prayers, works and penances is that you would believe I love you. ~Jesus' words to Marjory Kempe in 1667 (quoted by Manning, TRG)
Preoccupation with self is always a major component of unhealthy guilt and recrimination. It stirs our emotions, churning in self-destructive ways, closes us in upon the mighty citadel of self, leads to depression and despair, and preempts the presence of a compassionate God. The language of unhealthy guilt is harsh. It is demanding, abusing, criticizing, rejecting, accusing, blaming, condemning, reproaching, and scolding. It is one of impatience and chastisement. Christians are shocked and horrified because they have failed. (Manning, TRG)
That's me...so upset with myself because I fail on a daily basis. I fail to be the wife, the mother, the daughter, the neighbor, the pastor's wife, the parent, the teacher I feel I could and should be. And how else am I going to be any better, I think, if I don't reproach and scold myself about the way
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 6/16/2011
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Humor me today with a little poetry exposition, okay?
| The Midday Psalm (Psalm 65:6–14) |
| You make fast the mountains by your power;* they are girded about with might. Wow, what an image. It is God's power that roots and supports the mountains! You still the roaring seas,* the roaring of their waves, and the clamor of their peoples. "Be still and know that I am God." Those who dwell at the ends of the earth will tremble at your marvelous signs;* This makes me think of tsunamis and earthquakes and the Northern Lights. you make the dawn and the dusk to sing for joy. This reminds me of the characters in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader who are really stars who sing at dawn and at dusk. I bet C.S. Lewis had this verse (among others) in mind. You visit the earth and water it abundantly; you make it very plenteous;* We've had so much rain here in Wisconsin this spring that it's good to reminded that it is a sign of fruitfulness and blessing. the river of God is full of water. What an image of abundance! We often use the expression "dry" to refer to our spiritual lives when we have failed to replenish ourselves regularly from the Source of all we need, and this image of a river, FULL of water, reminds me that God is never lacking. You prepare the grain,* for so you provide for the earth. This reminds me of Isaiah 55: " 0 Comments on You Crown the Year with Your Goodness as of 1/1/1900 Add a Comment
By: Shellie Neumeier,
on 5/16/2011
Blog: Shellie Neumeier (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, Spring Story, Blinded, jennifer slattery, Add a tag
Thanks to the wonderful writings of Jennifer Slattery our interactive spring story, BLINDED, has an accompanying devotional. Inspiring! Thank you Jennifer. If you’re new to our story, you can click here to begin the journey.
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 1/25/2011
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: books, devotional, Add a tag
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 7/5/2010
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, Add a tag I heard a sermon last week that gave me a picture of grace. Some concepts my head knows, but my heart has trouble grasping, and one of the most troubling questions to my mind and heart has always been that problem of falling short. "For all have sinned and fallen short," I learned as a kid. And I learned that only Jesus measures up, and in his perfection and sinless sacrifice, there is
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 5/24/2010
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: thankful, devotional, simplicity, Add a tag Yesterday we celebrated the Feast of Pentecost! It's a day--no, a whole season--for remembering that after Christ ascended, He did not leave us alone. He told the disciples to go to Jerusalem and wait for the Holy Spirit to come, and when He came, He came in power with the sound of a mighty rushing wind. Before He ascended, Christ assured his disciples that they would do even greater works
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 9/21/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, Add a tag Oh Thou in whose boundless being are laid up all treasures of wisdom and truth and holiness, grant that through constant fellowship with Thee the true graces of Christian character may more and more take shape within my soul: The grace of a thankful and uncomplaining heart: The grace to await Thy leisure patiently and to answer Thy call promptly: The grace of courage, whether in
2 Comments on The True Graces of Christian Character, last added: 9/23/2008
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 6/26/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: anglican, devotional, liturgy, Add a tag My real-life friend at Square Peg in a Round Hole has written an excellent post on what making the sign of the cross means to her: Of course, many may ask, as I once did, - why is a physical action even necessary? Isn’t reflection upon these realities enough? And for you they may be. But physical action can often serve as a way of re-centering our mind, of speaking to deeper realities, and
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 6/15/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: movies, devotional, Add a tag Our family saw the movie Prince Caspian today, for Father's Day. I loved it. No, it didn't perfectly copy the book. They left out some of my favorite lines and added several goofy ones. I had heard enough to be prepared for most of the changes, and they mostly weren't bothersome. But I wasn't prepared to be deeply moved by this movie--and I was. The sight of ruined Cair Paravel affected me.
4 Comments on Thoughts on Prince Caspian, last added: 6/17/2008
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 4/30/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, Add a tag Part One Part Two So is earthly perfection worth striving for? Of course we all know that it’s an impossible goal. On earth, the law of entropy is always at work. Moth and rust corrupt; whatever we do is soon undone. So why try, right? Probably only the truly depressed among us would agree with that statement, however. Most of us have a God-given longing for order and beauty—for
6 Comments on Thoughts on Earthly Perfection, Part Three, last added: 5/7/2008
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 4/28/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, Add a tag I have struggled a great deal in my life with perfectionism and trying to achieve its illusion by my own efforts. After all, it wasn’t so hard to be an overachiever in school or in the workplace—all it took was a little extra effort on my part to get the perfect score or leave the office with a clean desk. But God really shook my perfection-seeking soul to the core when He sent me six imperfect
5 Comments on Thoughts on Earthly Perfection, Part Two, last added: 4/30/2008
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 4/27/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, home/garden, Add a tag My husband left first, with all our kids, to deliver them to a friend's house and an Oliver rehearsal. Bantam17 stayed behind to help vacuum, while I touched up the dusting, the bathroom, the mirrors and windows. We had just shown the house a few days earlier, so things were still in pretty good shape. Hey! I have time to Magic Eraser the marks off the basement walls, I bet, before this
5 Comments on Thoughts on Earthly Perfection, last added: 4/28/2008
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 3/1/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, Add a tag I'm not always very in touch with my emotions. I may know something is wrong, may even think I know what it is, but I often don't really know what is going on inside until I journal or talk about it. And I've had a rough week. Even though it's been over a week since the D & C, I'm still feeling slightly nauseous (pregnancy hormone still in my system, my doctor said), physically weaker than
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 2/18/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: mothering, devotional, Add a tag It’s President’s Day, and we’re taking a much-needed day off. Papa Rooster is home with the kids, and on my way to get a pre-surgery bloodtest, I’m stopping off at Panera for coffee, a bagel and a little alone time. On the way here I was praying about this surgery—a D & C—scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. I’ve been waiting, for over a month now, to miscarry our tiny baby who died about 6 weeks
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 2/2/2008
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: God at work, devotional, Add a tag I am SO grateful for all the comments and emails with words of comfort, ((((hugs))))), and especially for your prayers. Ever since I decided to share the news, first with family and then here, I have felt an increasing sense of peace. Maybe blogging is just cheap therapy :), but I am convinced it is prayer that has enveloped me with a nearly physical sensation of a warm, comforting blanket around
0 Comments on For We Know in Part.... as of 2/2/2008 11:01:00 AM
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 12/23/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: liturgical year, a new thing, devotional, Add a tag With the end of Advent looming, I thought I might post some of my learnings while on my blogging break--while the season is still right! --One big thing I learned is that I love blogging. I missed it. What a pleasant diversion it is to put my thoughts down on paper (virtually), on a regular basis. --Without the outlet and the distraction of writing, I found I was “worried and anxious about
2 Comments on Advent Learnings, last added: 12/24/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 12/15/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: liturgical year, devotional, poetry/songs, Add a tag Advent Prayer by Henri Nouwen Lord Jesus, Master of both the light and the darkness, send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas. We who have so much to do seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day. We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us. We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom. We whose hearts are
1 Comments on , last added: 12/20/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 12/14/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: liturgical year, mothering, devotional, Add a tag My friend Ann Voskamp at Holy Experience of Listening has written a beautiful post on life as liturgy: While perhaps not commonly coined in Protestant, evangelical faith communities, when I speak of liturgy, I guess I am speaking of the whole of my life as liturgy. An everyday liturgy. With its roots in λειτουργία (leitourgia), liturgy means "public work" or "public servant." Thus all that we
1 Comments on A Broad Idea of Liturgy, last added: 12/17/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 12/2/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: liturgical year, devotional, Add a tag From the Old Testament: O house of Jacob, come, let us walk in the light of the Lord! (Isaiah 2:1-5) From the New Testament: Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let
2 Comments on Advent Themes in Today's Service & a Blogging Semi-Break, last added: 12/6/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 11/29/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: God at work, devotional, Add a tag My heart is heavy tonight. We just received news that my good friend, who just stepped down as the Area Coordinator of our theater group--a vivacious, loving, capable and energetic leader, a mom, a wife, and a Christian deeply committed to putting hands and feet to her faith--has a blood clot in her brain, and has had at least five strokes over the last two weeks. She's at a great hospital;
8 Comments on Trusting God for the Outcome, last added: 12/3/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 11/19/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: thankful, devotional, Add a tag This week seems like a good time to update you all by a thankful report on what God has done in our lives this year! I think I'll just write and post in bits and pieces throughout this week. First of all, I am so thankful to God for the life He has given me. "Abundant life" is a cliche; I think "extravagant grace" may be a better description. Last week we saw an incredible children's theater
6 Comments on Thankful, last added: 11/21/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 11/2/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: anglican, liturgical year, mothering, devotional, Add a tag Yesterday was All Saints' Day. All Saints' always reminds me of a banner that our sending church displayed every year on the Sunday we celebrated that day in the church year. It was a joint effort of a gifted painter and an experienced banner maker, and it depicted Christ on the cross, painted in oil on canvas. Underneath his outspread arms, were painted many faces, half hidden in shadow, that
1 Comments on All the Saints in Heaven, last added: 11/2/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 10/31/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: devotional, sacred everyday, Add a tag Can you believe it is November 1? Where did October go? I have to confess that autumn is my least favorite season. I love the beauty of the leaves, but their flaming colors are the flickering of a funeral pyre, it seems to me, with only bleak bareness to follow--nothing like the promise of months of light and beauty which spring, summer or even late winter offers. And autumn heralds a year's
1 Comments on Numbering Our Days Aright, last added: 11/1/2007
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 10/6/2007
Blog: At A Hen's Pace (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap) JacketFlap tags: blogging, devotional, simplicity, Add a tag I forget where I heard this little story, but I think of it often: There once were Western missionaries who went to minister to a primitive culture. I forget what the specific objective was--it might have been finding a certain village or clearing the ground for an airstrip--but the missionaries and some of the natives had several days to travel through the jungle. The natives were in favor
4 Comments on Wait Up!!!!, last added: 10/8/2007
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I'm sorry for your pain. I had an ulcer about 10ish years ago and I remember that pain well. It does go away. It's tough to have that kind of hurt and there be no external sign of it to show anyone. It just hurts.
I will pray for you! That the pain will go away, and that it will accomplish its purpose. Know that I understand and empathize on all counts.
Jeanne,
Spot on! I'm so thankful to have you in my beloved circle of girlfriends!
Stella
Praying that you lean on Him, real hard!
Sometimes I think that pain is the only way God can get us to stop, slow down, rest, listen to that still small voice and trust, you know. Remember "Be still and know that I am God"? Yes, that one.
I live in a world of pain, and I know that the only way to cope is to rest and "Pace" myself and do very little. I don't of course. I do too much every single day. And then the wheels come off.
So, my friend, I will be praying for you too over here, and I will also say - listen. Rest. Be kind to yourself.
Megan, Stella, Crystal, Linds--
Thank you, ladies, for your prayers, your friendship, your encouragement and your strength. You are great examples of what I'm talking about!
And Linds, I know you have had to become a pro in the pain department. So I'm listening and trying to obey your wise words!
~Jeanne
well-written--- good thoughts---
good assessment. I reacted the same way at age 37 when I had devastating weakness--couldn't voice or talk to God about it all--but I knew He knew and understood, and I trusted He would eventually heal me. Gradually I began reading the Bible again--it seemed to be all I could do. Not out of anger or frustration, just helplessness. Love you in your journey...pianomum
Thanks, Mom!
I am adding something else too after reading the last comment, Jeanne - I can't focus enough to read any more. Not novels. The only thing I CAN read is Christian books, and the Bible. Does that tell me/you/us something?? And I am immensely thankful for the wonderful books available, and for what they are teaching me along the way too.
You will be in my prayers! Your posts always inspire, uplift or challenge me in some way.
Linds,
I have always had a terrible time reading non-fiction even some Christian non-fiction. But for the last six months or so, I've been able to!
Melinda--
Thank you for your prayers and your sweet encouragement! I need both. :)
~Jeanne
Oh, so beautiful and profound. Thank you, Jeanne.
And I do hope you feel better soon.
Thanks so much, Jessica!