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To me, the 1st paragraph doesn't sound like anything a 19 year old would think while looking at herself in the mirror. An outside observer might say her eyes are "veiled with fog" to imply that her thoughts and emotions are hidden. I'm trying to imagine why she might say this about her own eyes, and all I can come up with is cataracts.

Maybe you're being really sophisticated here and part of her character is that she creates drama around herself to avoid showing/facing her true feelings.

Otherwise, it might be a better opening if you just cut the first paragraph. The interaction between father and daughter feels real and poignant, and does a better job conveying the emotional impact of whatever happened to the MC.

You've succeeded in making me want to know what that was.

P.S.: You want "compliment."

I think the middle two paragraphs are the heart of your beginning. The bit about her at the mirror isn't needed and doesn't really help give any clue about your main character.

You could start with "this afternoon" and take out "the day everything changed" -- don't bother with the set up, just move into the story from there.

I agree with ABH--cut the first paragraph. It's been done to death anyway, opening a scene with a person describing her looks in a mirror.

The stuff with the dad is interesting and makes me start to care about the narrator. I'd definitely want to read on. I think that's where your story starts.

I'm surprised there was no comment regarding the dreaded open with the protaganist looking into the mirror. My main complaint is do you really want to know anything about someone who spends that much time looking into a mirror and describing themself?

"Not I," said the fly.

Hmm. Nothing for me in this first page feels immediate. It also doesn't feel like the "voice" of young adult, but of someone much older.(?)

MCs describing themselves while looking in a mirror is a cliche in YA, so you might want to avoid that and instead slip in her description elsewhere.

Also, I agree with ABH, in the wording seems a bit off. "Large grey eyes, veiled with fog?" "I will not and smile and compliment his direction..." This is just my opinion, but I don't know any teens that talk or think like this -- which leads me to believe this is historical fiction(?)

Also, instead of telling us what the MC "thinks" is going to happen later on with her dad, it might help to put us directly in the theater so we can witness the uncomfortable shit between her and her dad.

I agree with many that this isn't a very effective opening in that, despite some really lovely bits, there are sections that feel over-written and the voice doesn't pull me in.

But I will say the emotion at the heart of it is a very YA emotion - especially that sense of watching your parents watch you, and knowing they don't really see you. And the distance I feel in this description could work, with an immediate YA voice.

The disconnect though is that, as drafted, I don't feel that the voice is one of a teen, even of an adolescent, despite the very adolescent emotion.

So, I would take the emotional heart of this and rework the voice for a more immediate YA voice.

Good luck.

The author is good at descriptions, absolutely. And I think that's a good thing. However, there's a lot of telling here. I'd like to be more engaged as a reader through dialogue or action.

I think that could be added in without much fuss.

The MC annoys me. It's possible for a protagonist to be pretentious and interesting...Artemis Fowl, for instance, or maybe Scarlet O'Hara. This girl sounds like the voice of a literary analyst, and a self-centered one at that. The writing is lyrical enough, but the voice needs work.

Pretty much ditto what's been said. I'd really love to see the theater scene in action. I think you can get a lot out of it if you make it more immediate.

I'm intrigued despite the issues and would read a little more to see if it picked up, but it would have to do that really soon.

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. Clearly I need to do some more work here, but it's good to know there's something underneath worth working on!

As an Elvis fan, I'm giving this one lots of props.
:-)

I thought this was kooky in a very good way. I'd definitely keep reading. You have a confident voice, and I have high hopes for your story.

I agree -- some nice images and a strong character's voice. I like it and would definitely continue to read.

I like your voice! The first paragraph was a little bit confusing, since the mom is not in the scene; maybe this is something you could bring in later. But I love the rest of it, and the alphabetizing thing is enough to make me want to read more. Good work!

The writing is fine, and flowed really nicely for me.

My nitpicks:

I wonder if MG audiences would know or care about Elvis? Or if they would "get it" that the MC's name is Presley, and relate that to Elvis?

Also, what kind of school plays Elvis over the loudspeakers every morning? I'm not sure if it's important enough for all the attention it's been given. (Hard to know, though, without reading the rest).

And whee! I love the alphabetizing bit at the end. (I have a similar character in a WIP YA.)

I'm torn on this one. If I just picked it up and read the first page, I'd probably read on a few.

But having said that, the set up felt like it went on a little long. The sensory details and the flash to home all worked - especially the cookie fumes permeating the place.

The popular kids line felt forced to me - like the obligatory nod to status - and it would work better to show interaction with actual popular kids later, I think.

I did think you found a good way to drop the first nudge that this protagonist's brain works differently and it will be an issue in some way. That felt natural and a logical place for the insight.

So, all in all, I'd give it a another few pages, based on voice alone, but it would sing if tightened up a little.

Good luck.

The voice is strong, character is awesome. The first paragraph needs to move to it's place in time...We adults have little patience for out-of-time segments without hints of where they belong, most children have less, I imagine. My 11 year old sister says she hates starting books because she doesn't know what's going on at first. The sooner she does know, the better. :) I really like this, by the way.

I'm going to ditto everyone here. First paragraph was out of place and left me thinking 'huh?'. Then you really got the ball rolling enough for me to enjoy reading and want to know more.

I also agree about tightening it up a bit. Your pace is good, but it could be great.

One thing that brought me up short was the alphabetizing before the explanation. My brain was trying to make it a word or understand what it meant before moving on to the explanation. Not sure having the explanation first would work and it seems others are fine with it as is.

I'm the writer -- and appreciate the helpful comments! I haven't been on-line much this summer, so I don't know if anyone will see this late acknowledgment, but THANK YOU!

Author, I am in love with your writing.

I'd read it and I don't even like MG. It has that same airy-type feeling, a surreal feeling that, for me, Jellicoe Road also had.

Good luck!

I love the imagery--his voice caught, creased with sadness, meanness replaced blood in my veins, the lame dog. It's beautifully written. My only slight comment is that in the sentence, "When I got into trouble and ended up in the Children's Court," I'd omit "I got into trouble." I think trouble is implied, if the narrator landed in Children's Court. But I'm just nitpicking here. Great job, and good luck!

It's so difficult to find that line between showing us a young person who's not pleased with his/her lot in life without presenting him/her as a whiny kid. For me, you have found the balance. This is a kid I'm willing to tag along.

I like this. I like the MC's voice (I agree with Yat-Yee about the balance) and I like the uniquely Australian bits.

I want to know what happens next. (And more about what happened before too!)

Yes, that Australian voice adds some nice personality to this. I'd definitely keep reading. The only thing I saw that made me pause was where she describes her brother behind her waving out the back window but in the next bit stresses that she refuses to look back.

Great voice, great story questions, and an interesting main character would all have me wanting to read more.

But there were some POV slips, in my opinion. I drive an ipod wearing teenager, so these popped out at me.

First, like Nancy said, she's slumped in her seat listening to her ipod, and at the same time describing in great detail what her brother is doing in the back seat - clutching his box, looking out the window, saying "wow" when he saw a car (how can she hear him, if she's wearing the ipod? How can she hear her father?) And it seemed like a very short trip to Manna Bend.

But those are just nit-picky, really minor things. Well done.

This has a nice voice, and the main character has depth - anger, sadness, can get into trouble... And you pack a lot of character building into the page, so I would definitely read on.

A few things I'd comment on if you were in my crit group:

I wasn't crazy about the fist line, but I did love "My hatred for Mum burned through me all over again." That's where you snagged my interest.

I wondered how she could hear him with her iPod on.

I loved her sentiment in the sentence "I hated how enthusiastic he was, and knew it was mean, but meanness seemed to have replaced blood in my veins." but wanted a different word for "enthusiastic" - of course I couldn't come up with a suggestion, but it felt...formal for the sentence. But that's a nitpick.

I also wasn't crazy about the "stray dog" analogy, but overall, the first page worked.

And I agree that in addition to having a strong voice regardless of location, the fact that it is set in Australia did ass interest for me.

good luck.

Emily

Author here:

It's a dystopian YA, not a sports novel.

I didn't feel I should info dump the "world" that quickly, so I sprinkled it throughout, the further you read the more it makes sense. Is that wrong?

(At the end of the game in question the MC will lose his place on the team, thereby kickstarting his journey -- he has to find a way to eat, since he's no longer paid to play football. And yes, at the end of the games there are murders -- it's not a democracy.)

Think more The Chocolate War and less Disney princess.

All comments welcome. I can take it. I've been rejected by the best. Bring it on, people. :)

Maybe if you start as he's suiting up for the game? I think even the scattered way yuo're handling it feels a bit like an info dump.... the meteor attack seems to come from no where, and the sentence about the crowded season and rotating schedule is WAY TMI to process when you're trying to get into a characters head.

Even is Distopian novels, the CHARACTER is important. In this beginning, I feel like you're hammering me with an interesting setting before I have a chance to get to know your character---

If you start with suiting up, you might be able to convey the twisted sense of the world a bit better? You know, the protective gear is different, his brother snarling at him about keeping score, someone on the team peeking out at the crowd and saying 'They want blood tonight. I hope this doesn't end like the Haysworth/Wallinshed game..." Give a slow sense of weirdness and wrongness..... The meteors aren't super important at this point, I think... the cause of dystopia is never as interesting as the dystopia itself. (Think 1984 and Brave New world... do we ever really KNOW what crisis preciptitated the change?)

Still, The character seems like he has a lot going for him--I'd just like to see more HIM, less info dump, on the first few pages. I want to FEEL what he feels, not hear about government regulations and watching TV when he was 6......

I see an exciting idea at the core of this. It feels almost like a futuristic, gladiator type of manuscript.

However, I agree with Deidre. You have too much info from the get-go. You're bogging down the reader in rules. Do we really need to know the number of games they played last year or the fact that they only have one stadium, which the different sports share? Or that they just changed the scoring system? You're interrupting your own scene of action with these rules.

You also have too much going on, like Deidre said. The meteor, the sicko father who made their minds and apartment feel larger when he left, the sibling squabbles. Get into your story quicker, easing the backstory in at moments when it's truly needed. Also, be careful about cramming too much into individual sentences. Example: "They were hungry, literally, and wanting entertainment, wanting, Alex Winter knew, as he lifted his head and panned the throngs, to kill someone." You have important thoughts in there, and they're getting lost.

Work on tightening the beginning. Decide what your ultimate purpose is for the first page, and stick to that goal, without getting too caught up in minutia.

Good luck!

Might be due to what I normally read, but I caught on pretty quickly to the "not our normal game day" bit. Still, if others are getting stumped, it makes sense to tighten it up.

I personally LIKE knowing that their lives were normal ones we can relate to until there were meteors that hit. Maybe just some ways to smooth it out and make the transitions more clear?

Good luck.

I really like the premise of this. But I'd really like to have more of this character's experience being in the game. It feels a little distant. I like the stomping of the crowd but how about the thud of getting slammed, breathing hard - that copper taste in your mouth, sweat stinging eyes or making it hard to see, sweat making a scalp itch under a helmet or the communication between players - there could be a lot of great emotions there.

I agree with what Deidre said...
Also, I didn't want to be taken out of the moment so quickly. I felt the part "Long ago they'd changed..." broke the momentum you had going. Keep us in the action (even back up a bit like Deidre said) and give us the history bit in a non-action moment.
Good luck!!

I was struck by EA saying she was impatient with the witholding of info in the first paragraph.

Seems like there is a difference between "discovering" what is going on AS you read and a book that "tells" you what you are reading. Neither is wrong, just different. The Grim Reaper first page a few posts down tells you "I am the Grim Reaper." This one isn't quite that simple, you might have to read a bit first. A literary voice as opposed to a chick-lit type voice, maybe?

I think there's an important line to be observed between 'intriguing' and 'confusing'. I LOVE being intrigued. I HATE being confused.

So no, you don't have to give everything away-- definitely hold enough back to draw your reader through the story. But holding too much back will have the opposite effect--that of shutting your reader out.

I really enjoy a good dystopian novel, and I think you have some very interesting details here.

The problem is that your first sentence has us in the thick of the game. The very next sentence doesn't fit in that moment. If he's in the middle of the game, why would he be thinking about the short season? His attention would be on the game and why it was not going as planned. I think that's what EA means about withholding info. You drop an intriguing story question on us (the game not going well), and then you immediately segue elsewhere.

So, stay in the game and what he is thinking/experiencing, or do what Deirdre suggested and step back to where he is preparing for the game. The backstory makes more sense then, as he's lacing up he can remember watching "Old-style" football with his brother, back when touchdowns were 6 points and the losers didn't have to die, or whatever you have changed.

I think you can focus on the game at hand, and the stakes, and wait on telling us about the meteor and the sick father. How he plays the game will show us his character (is he a dirty player, etc.). So we get to know him. Then, when he loses his spot, you can introduce the family dynamics.

Good luck!

I have to say, the voice of this kept me reading even though I felt a little "hide the ball" and was feeling impatient.

And I will also say that I got a Chocolate War feel from it pretty quickly - so I wondered if there was more going on (funny then to read the author's comment - you got the right feel).

BUT, I'm not sure how much longer I'm hanging in to figure out what is happening, AND I wonder how many readers don't reach the "clues" because they see sports all over the page and think it's a sports book.

It has some real nice bits, and nice voice, and I think the premise sounds interesting, but I'm not sure starting with the sports info is going to hook the reader you want to hook.

good luck.

emily

I liked it, but I have no idea if the MC is a boy or girl. Also, no indication of the MC age, these are things I'd want to know sooner rather than later.

I can't tell if the MC is horrified or panic-striken or what about seeing the body. "Not believing what I saw" seems like too much of a observant rather than emotional reaction. (since I don't know the sex of the MC, I'm not sure what they would be feeling? A girl would wonder if a killer was out there, and going to be after her?)

Overall great job though. Good luck!

This seems like a great concept. The opening sentences could be a little grabbier. I think you can cut the whole paragraph that starts with his/her feet pounding and ends with the hairy neck. The beginning of the next paragraph could be tightened to get to that dead body faster. Overall, though, the voice is good and the story is intriguing. Good luck!

I'm determined to comment on all of these, since I submitted one too and it only seems fair.

But this one has me stumped!

It's not my cup of tea, but there's nothing really wrong with it.

Partly it's the first-person narrative. I'm picky about that. Also, for me, there's too much running and not enough emotional connection with the MC. Clearly there will be trouble or excitement, but I don't care about MC yet, so I'm not that interested.

Maybe in the second paragraph (the running one) a change that includes some of the runner's *thoughts* about trouble or family or...something that could be an emotional hook?

I don't know if it would fit and, as I said, there's nothing really not working, it's just a personal preference, I think!

Good luck.

I was drawn into this, mostly because I ran cross country in high school. I like the flow, and the bit about the silent house he/she's not anxious to get home to. If you want to drop a hint as to this person's sex, you can have him jogging shirtless, or have her feel the sweat through her jog bra. Just a suggestion.

I think if you came across a bloody body on a path, you wouldn't be thinking about how her hair hid how old she was. You'd be thinking, oh my gosh, is she alive? I don't think you'd notice that she wore dark jeans when there's a blood stain on her shirt. I think you'd be looking around for help or whipping out your cell phone (I run with one, just in case, but I'm a girl). I think there would be more panic. This character's narration seems much too calm.

Overall, I'm hooked and would read on. Good luck.

Wow, thanks for the feedback, EA. Author, here, and it's like I found out somebody threw me a surprise party -- a couple of days after the fact.

To anonymous: thanks for your comments. The MC is a guy (David), senior in high school, and the son of a deputy sheriff. You find this out in the first chapter.

MelissaPEA: thanks for your suggestions. I have to keep some of the running stuff in there, because the MC is on the track team. It also sets up for later when the villain breaks David's leg. I'll see to tightening the whole thing, though.

Buffra: Thanks for commenting. I know what you mean about first person being tricky. And maybe my hint of trouble at home (not hurrying back to it) was too subtle? As a senior in high school, half of a bachelor household, and the son of a deputy, I thought the touchy-feely kind of thing would be un-realistic.

Thanks all for the read. It's given me much to think about.

WandaV

To me, the part about wanting to stay out of trouble rings true -- if your MC has been in a lot of trouble and is trying to clean up his/her act. I assumed the MC was male -- I'm not sure why.

I'd cut off the running stuff after "working like it was supposed to."

In "My car waited somewhere beyond them" I'd take out "somewhere," unless your MC really doesn't know exactly where the car is.

"Stubborn cones" throws the voice off. Just "cones" is better.

To me, the MC's disbelief and examination of the scene is a plausible reaction to something surprising and very, very not right. But the order of events seems confused. The MC stops, but then has stumbling steps. Hair hides her face -- but he's wondering about her age, of all things?

I do think the voice conveys personality and it's overall an interesting start.

Now that I think of it, the name "David" may be what made me think the MC was male. Also, forgot to say he comes across as a fairly mature teen.

I'm having a little trouble commenting here because I can't really pinpoint why it didn't work for me.

I can start with running stuff felt...well, a little too much. I just didn't care. And so without caring I started to skim.

Then the stumbling on the body seemed a little flat - a little like he had (and I am assuming a he) more emotion about running than about maybe finding a dead body.

So, I'm not sure I read on. But it might also just be I'm not the target reader, though realistic YA is generally what I like.

I think upping the emotional resonance would up the tension for me.

good luck.

emily

WandaV,

I think that you don't have to go too "touchy-feely" to get a little more across about the MC. Maybe even at the very beginning, where he says he runs to stay out of trouble, you could add something about "the son of the town sheriff doesn't get cut any slack"? A few small additions could, perhaps, make the character a bit more accessible.

Again, though, take that with a grain of salt, since I think the style just isn't my preference and that might be OK!

:-)

It has an easy quality to it, very readable.

Dog licking his feet was funny! Didn't see that coming.

I thought the "list" of what everyone was doing, starting with "Everything started this morning..." through ".... I wanted to go to Andy's house" could be cut to get to the MC's dilema a little quicker. Explaining that Dad is scrubbing the kitchen or Mom goes all out for leaves slowed it down quite a bit for me.

Good luck!

I enjoyed how you insert the fact that Pieter has been dead for 500 years in the midst of the usual mom-dad-best-friend-dog. And the dog biscuit between toes is fresh and new without coming across as someone trying to come up with something fresh and new.

I'm hooked. Good first page.

I like it -- humorous and accessible and raising questions that make you want to turn the page.

I liked the family stuff since it gives an idea of where the MC comes from, but do wonder (along with the first commenter) if the dilemma shouldn't be brought in sooner.

While I think you have a great voice and characterization here, and wonderful humor, I am always a little frustrated as a reader when I am tantalized by a juicy opening and then immediately thrown into backstory. I feel like I'm the victim of bait-and-switch. It's almost cliche to start this way - a hero in trouble, then he ponders how he got into that mess.

That said, I would keep reading here. I already love this kid. I laughed out loud at him willing someone else's property back to him. And I love his relationship with his dog. Well done.

Great opening sentence, great voice throughout, nice humor. In the paragraph that starts, "Everything started this morning," you can cut a lot. We already met Mom, Dad, and Justin briefly and this second mention of them slows it down a bit. Also, I can't imagine that he'd be able to sit for hours with a dog licking his feet. It seems like it would be too distracting (it's ticklish and slobbery, after all) and maybe a little yucky, but if no one else thinks that, then disregard me. Good luck!

Thanks for the feedback! I feel like an attention hog, having back-to-back first pages on here. But as soon as I saw the creation of the Anonymati, I wanted in!!
:-)
This ms is going through a beta-read, and I hope to have it out on submission soon.
First, I gotta get a query somewhere...somehow...

To everyone, thank you for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate all of your thoughts!

Anon, It's been through a query/revision process for three years. After each round of queries, I get useful and consistent feedback. The first round of agents told me to *not* jump into the action right away, and to back it up a bit. They were right and it reads much better. You get to know the characters before they go on their adventure. It's all subjective, I know, but I haven't received any criticism on this front since I incorporated their advice, I'm assuming I got it right. But I did have it originally the way you suggest...
:-)


Yat-Yee,
Thank you!! :-)

Ash,
Thank you!!
:-)


Buffra, Thanks! I replied to this point. It's hard to know where to start, but in all conferences I've attended, and in all the early feedback, people want to get to know the characters first. (Though I tend to be an impatient sort myself! heheheh)
:-)


Sheila,
Thanks! I agree with you! But it's not too much backstory because it all happens on the same day. I needed to develop the reason *why* the characters want to travel back in time 500 years (btw, they go to Belgium, and the setting of the story is based on Pieter Bruegel's painting "Children's Games")
Wish EA could let us do first chapters...
;-)


Melissa,
You obviously need to have your feet licked more often.
:-)


Thanks EA for doing this for us--helping us with our writing craft!!
:-)

I think the first paragraph is a great hook, though like EA, I doubt a kid would will his clothes to his mom. Does Steven have a couple of unusual objects to leave his mom that would give us insight into his character? I expect you'll come back to the dictionaries. A kid willing dictionaries to his dad is strange and I figure there's some meaning behind it.


I agree with cutting the list of activities at breakfast and going straight to the writing assignment. I LOVED the dog biscuit between the toes!

LOL, Chris. I know a Lhasa Apso and a Pug who might be willing to enlighten me.

Hi Chris! I recognised this immediately :D.

Looks good.

The first part, about the will, had me. But then it seemed to shift direction fast and I was disappointed and a little annoyed - which I guess is good, since it means the first part hooked my attention.

I'd read on a bit to see where it went, but if it was mostly about the school project or the dog (and gross on the toe licking by the way), I'd lose interest fast.

But, I bet middle grade boys wouldn't lose interest UNLESS it really was too much about school work...

good luck.

emily

Thanks for your feedback, EA!!

I have a craft question. This story is currently in submission (five agents are reading a full). But I received a rejection last week from an agent who said she loved my voice and the humor that permeates the story, but the pace was too fast.

The structure of the story is very similar to Alice in Wonderland, and I mention that in my query letter. But I think her point is valid ---so right now I am making minor revisions by adding narration to some scenes. But this is a 'boy' book. My question for you is this: In the current market, what are some things that editors look for in a 'boy' book?

If you have time to answer, I'd really appreciate it! And many many thanks for your comments on my opening!!!
:-)

Great humor!

My only concern is I don't know if Mr. Chance is alive. Is he a teacher or something? Someone we are going to meet? Or has his mysterious notebook been left in the library and that is the draw? (When you say the Legend of Mr. Chance, that makes him sound like he's dead.)

Chris, I'm no editor, but I have a comment about your pacing questions. I read a ton of boy books (pre reading before I give it to my son) and I think that if the pace is all fast...it just becomes boring. To think that boys all have a short attention span is not the right reason to pace it quickly (I know you didn't mention short attention span, just go with it). I think fast is good, but like a movie, all action becomes lame pretty quickly. You end up kindof glossing over it. Gotta mix it up. Adding some narration is probably not a bad idea...as long as it adds a bit of hook here and there to keep the readers looking around the next page.

Thanks Anon and Vaccuum Queen!

The premise is a kid who is granted ten wishes in time for his birthday, only everytime he makes a wish, something rather twisted happens. Think Bedazzled for kids.

So there are setting changes which quicken the pace. But I did go through after getting that rejection and added narration, which not only slowed the pace but made the character more sympathetic. We'll see... but I agree that too fast is tiresome.

Thanks for the feedback!!!
:-)

Like the Vacuum Queen (can you come to my house, please?), I also read a lot of boy books and am always on the lookout for ones that will interest my three boys. And this definitely looks like one they would like. Humor and magic and a mean guy, that's all good stuff.

That said, I think you are throwing too much at us at once. We have Tony, a rule breaker, making a bet. We have Fat Chance, a mean old guy who hates children (have you read You're A Bad Man Mr. Gum? It's brilliantly funny, you can read the first few pages on amazon. I mention it because it has a similar opening - this guy is so bad he . . .)

We are in school with Tony, then in the magic shop, then in the library. There's a map and a notebook. I've lost my breath.

I really want to know more about the notebook, mostly. What is it doing in the library? Why is the last page empty? Are those lines about Mr. Chance from the notebook, or from Tony's perspective? What does the notebook have to do with the map? And how did Tony, a risk-taker/class cutter, find the notebook, when it was hidden in the library? He doesn't come across as the kind of kid who would spend his free time browsing the stacks.

I like EA's suggestion of letting us discover the notebook with Tony. Good luck, I really would like to see what happens to Tony, and what is magical about the map, and what the legend of Mr. Chance is . . .

The premise is interesting. I feel like it isn't flowing quite right, though -- it's a little "jerky" (probably a pacing thing?) to me.

EA got frustrated with another (a dystopian YA) for being too confusing, but this one has that quality for me. I still feel like I don't understand the notebook -- is it written by other kids? By Mr. Chance? Then why do the kids care, if he's so mean? (And why would he write a notebook and have it in the elementary school in the first place?)

Could be that I'm over-thinking this! :-)

Oh, and his nasty daily checklist seems like it could use some beefing up.

Good premise, that seems marketable, not just to boys either. I like that Tony is a rule-breaker.

Does Tony have the authority to wash the toilets? It seems like a school wouldn't allow a student to do that.

Why the kindergarten toilets? Are they grosser than the other toilets in the school? Not sure you need to specify "kindergarten."

How secret is this notebook, if Tony knows exactly where it is? It doesn't seem hidden, either, on a backshelf. Anyone could find it on a backshelf.

How can Tony skip out on math class unnoticed? That's more of a middle school or high school deed. I know he's inclined to break rules, but it just seemed like something an older kid would do.

The Legend of Mr. Chance notebook is funnny, but I agree with Buffra's comment. Can you amp up the humor on the checklist? Amp up the meanness too.

I agree with Sheila that you're throwing too much at the reader at once. I also don't like the shift to second person when you write "You can probably guess." It's the first time the narrator talks to the reader, and it was jarring.

Good luck - this seems like a fun manuscript.

Thanks Sheila, Buffra, and Melissa! I really appreciate that you took the time to comment!

This was an early draft so some of your concerns have been addressed, but the new version isn't far off from this one. I've been querying this with the first chapter pasted into the body of the email. I figure you're either going to like this voice or not, but you'll know from the beginning. I describe it in my query as "Raold Dahl meets Alice in Wonderland." The tone is similar to Dahl, and the structure similar to Alice in Wonderland. It's not going to be to everyone's taste, but I decided with this book to try to write specifically for boys. I see what my boys like, and what other fifth-graders like (because I volunteer in a library), and some of it ain't pretty. But it's usually in one of two categories: gross or funny.
We'll see... I wish I could see into a magic ball. But I guess we all do, right?

Thanks for your feedback!
:-)

Great first line, nice humor. Feels like a good premise for MG.

But the magical map thing felt a bit young for 10 going on 11, and then the notebook felt a little old for 10 going on 11...so I was left scratching my head a little.

I'd read on, but with an eye toward consistency.

There's also lot going on in this first page and I felt it was a bit too much all at once.

I didn't mind the notebook being tossed out there, instead of discovered, but it did feel like something older kids would be more likely to have than younger ones.

The humor of the "little kids..." parts was great, but I wondered who middle grade readers would feel about "little kids" - would they think they were being called "little kids?" They wouldn't like that very much and it could hurt their interest.

And as much as this has humor, it feels almost like a voice over to me, and I'd rather first get the main character's voice clear before the reading from the notebook.

So, I think this has loads of potential, but I think if the rest moved this fast, with so much narrative rather than the actual adventure, I'd lose interest fast, and middle grade readers would lose interest faster.

But humor is hard to do well, middle grade humor even harder, and you have that. So I say slow it down and take the reader on more of an adventure, and it will come together nicely.

good luck.

emily

EA, thanks, this one was very educational for me. In your slushy experience, is it common to have too many confusing bits of information in the opening? This has come up a few times in the first pages.

I'm guessing the goal is to make people read on in order to learn answers to all the questions raised. What we've seen in the first pages suggests this is easy to overdo.

Chris -- if you want to plunge into action and not gum it up with back story, maybe you could try a prologue? Prologue: Who is Mr. Chance, how he became a legend, what is the notebook, how it ended up in the library. Chapter One: Tony finds notebook, makes rash commitment to find magical map.

And then chapter two starts about where we are now.

Does it have to be one giant paragraph? Maybe that's a formatting thing, but it made it hard to read.

It sounds too young for what you seem to be trying to set up. Some little kid whining about swings is just going to make middle-grade readers think it's a book better suited to their baby brothers.

There seems to be a lack of cohesion in this first page -- too much is crammed in and it doesn't really hang together well yet.

If your MC is 12 but you want to describe an event that happened when he was 5, have the 12-year-old tell us about the event in his voice.

Interested in knowing what's magical about the fishing camp.

Hmm. Maybe don't start with the five year-old scenario, but instead with the MC, right now in present time, on his way to the magical fishing camp?

It sounds odd that the Mom brings him to the camp but won't let him stay -- why trek all the way out there, then? Also, if the fishing hole is the object of wonder, why does the MC seem more interested in the swings?

Also, it seems odd, if it's such a fantastic place, that the MC wouldn't have gone there earlier than 5-7 years after hearing about it. You might want to consider having the MC NOT believe in the magical fishing place, not believe in those eye-rolling stories his grandpa tells about it. But then, years later, meeting up with it again, something happens that makes him believe.

(I have no idea if my advice is accurate -- hard to tell without knowing what direction the story is headed toward.) Best of luck.

I found this hard to follow, as it flits butterfly-like from one idea to the next.

Maybe try harder for a logical progression of ideas? For example:

Patrick is told as a Big Surprise that he's going to the camp.

Patrick can't understand why it's such a big deal and why they're disappointed he's not excited about it.

Patrick starts to remember the camp,which he's completely forgotten in the intervening years.

Just a thought.

I agree with anon 3:47

Agree with Anon 3:47...
I couldn't get past the first couple of sentences. They sounded very young (and I didn't have the patience to read on to discover why).
I agree with everything already said, but hope you strike the right balance in your opening. The magical fishing camp sounds intriguing.

I agree with Anon 3:47. You might try ditching the swing thing totally (unless that's crucial to you plot) and try a completely new angle fomr you MC voice a sa 12 year old. Magic fishing camp... could be interesting. :) All the best!

You've got a great young voice. Maybe this is more in the easy reader/chapter book genres?

I'm not fond of books that start with backstory. There may be a good story in here, but this seems more like suthor notes about what happened and not the novel itself.

"He loved Grandma’s cookies more than anything in the world. Well, except for Mom and Grandma of course."

This is where I'd stop reading. It doesn't ring true to a five or a twelve year old's voice. Sounds like Grandma talking to me.

I agree with those who thought it read young. And I'm skeptical that it could be aged up to MG.

BUT, I too wondered if it wouldn't fit more as an early reader or chapter book. With an 7-9 year old MC it would be an activity he/she would like and the "magic" part would be even more fun.

Even the idea of a magic fishing spot seemed like the kind of thing beginning readers would eat up faster than MG. And then the voice is closer - not consistently there, but it's less of an adjustment.

Here are some more things that stuck out for me:

The "look mom" and the playgorund just doesn't hook me. Neither did the flashback as set up. Even for younger readers, I'd start with the campe or why it's magic. Maybe even him overhearing about the magic fishing spot and then trying to sneak or beg a way there.

> Sure he did. He loved Grandma’s > cookies more than anything in
> the world. Well, except for Mom > and Grandma of course.

I agree that this reads like an adult imposing ideas on a kid, not an authentic kid voice. BUT, the "Yum, cookies" and then reluctantly leaving was not a bad instinct - you might be able to tweak it to work.

Good luck.

I wondered why Mom and Grandma and not Dad and Grandpa.

Initially I thought it must have been a picture book, because of the lack of paragraphs, but even a picture book has to have a new paragraph for every change of speakers.

I was really confused regarding where they were...I could not make a connection between the playground and the fishing camp. And then there was the Fishing Hole...was THAT also at the camp?

If this is going to be a mid-grade, or even a chapter book, it is important to start with the main character at his current age...maybe with him hesitantly approaching the camp as a twelve year old, and then after some details about that, he can reflect back, although I would not necessarily talk about how they needed to make cookies...unless that is important to the story later on.

My first, first thought at the beginning sentence was "just like The Book Thief" -- which is not really a good thing. (Not that book, but the immediate "derivative" idea.) The good news is that you offset that pretty quickly with the teenage angle. I liked that.

The third paragraph is bleh. Maybe keep just the final sentence or some modified version of it?

I agree the language in the last paragraph shifted from the conversational tone you'd established. As a result, your voice isn't quite as strong and clear as it could be. I'm left not being sure exactly "who" death is going to be.

Thanks for that critique, EA! I hate first pages and never know when I've done them right or wrong, so getting that feedback was invaluable. I never noticed how odd the language in the last sounded before, but now that it's been pointed out, it is a little jarring. And the third paragraph is kinda boring...

Buffra, I read The Book Thief a week after completing my manuscript. I thought it sounded a little reminiscent too, but that ultimately, mine was different because it was YA from a teen's perspective. Glad to know you think the same. Thanks for your feedback :)

I think this has a lot of promise. Agree with everything already said.

Good luck!!
:-)

This is only my personal taste, so it might not matter, but I think the use of second person "you" makes the MC sound like he's trying to impress the reader and takes me out of the story quite a bit.

"...Some people call me the Grim Reaper. If you're one of those people, I'm probably not what you're expecting..."

I'm confused as to why Death would care what I "you" thought about him? Maybe that's the casual, conversational part EA was talking about?

I find it interesting that he has siblings and parents, though. :)

His tone seems rather flippant for someone who holds life/death in his hand, which is okay, but I couldn't settle in as a reader because I was unsure where we were going. Is one person's death going to be the focus? Are we going to care about that person, be invested in that person as a reader? Or is the plot going to focus on Death's relationships with his family? Or on the other Reapers?

The tone made it hard for me to connect with the MC, and it seemed inconsistent. The last paragraph especially seemed a very different tone than the rest.

I am intrigued by the idea of teen reapers, but I think I'd be more engaged if it started with action, not telling, and if you jumped straight to reapers. Because when you start with "death" it does feel very much (whether accurate or not) that it is inspired by The Book Thief. It quickly veers off in a different direction, but some might not get there. I might not have read past the first paragraph.

Rework to try to start from a more engaging scene and the concept might really shine.

great comments! I totally agree with all. Can't add anything new. But very interesting story.

The second person doesn't bother me.

But "impatiently" and "with reverence" do.

I think these are another case of "telling" rather than "showing." They seem more like how an omniscient narrator describes somebody else, rather than the way a first-person narrator describes himself.

Better to have your narrator's words and actions convey impatience and reverence.

This sounds interesting, but it might be stronger if you started out with something happening, rather than telling the reader straight-out that your mc is the grim reaper. Wouldn't it be interesting to find that out a different way? Like surprise the reader with the fact at the bottom of the first page? There's so much potential here, I'd hate to see you waste it!

The second person sounds like part of the voice. I liked it, but I think you have to be careful about overusing it because that can be annoying.

Can't decide whether this is more reminiscent of Reaper or Death Note. At this point, there have been so many non-Grim-Reaper reapers in pop culture (from the angel of death on Touched by an Angel to the psychopomps in Gunnerkrigg Court) that I'm not sure who still retains the "scythe and robe" imagery. Even the very standard-looking reaper on Family Guy talks like a college boy. I guess my only point is, don't presume to know what I presume. You sound very much like a teenager before you get around to telling me that you are one.

Love this concept! And I love the juxtaposition of the flippant tone with the reality of what he does.

I agree with Alps, though, that maybe you could start out with the character doing something, and then insert the explanation of who he is. Right now, the transition from explanation to action isn't working. (Which might be because of the tone of the last paragraph, though.)

"Repossessed" meets "The Book Thief." Intriguing.

Both the idea and the writing intrigued me. I am now ready to see him in action: how he interacts with his non-Bleak friends and his family (do they know they have death in the house?)

I really like the conversational opening. It was a jolt, but a good jolt, to learn that voice belonged to a teenager. In a character-driven story, it doesn't bother me at all to spend a moment gathering voice, character, sympathy, etc., before pressing on. I think you could risk losing reader sympathy if you just launched into frenetic action featuring this character taking a life. As your narrative stands now, we'll be deliciously squirmy with sympathy and dread and horror and pity as he begins his "work" (rather than merely horrified in an action sequence).

Question for EA: do you think that startling discoveries about a character (as illustrated in this sample)count as their own kind of action? Action in character rather than character in action (to paraphrase Robert Browning)?

Hey, thanks to everyone who's been commenting for your feedback. I find it all very useful, but I have to say, I am curious about the last anonymous' question. I tried starting this out with action and it didn't work, hence this opening. So, I wonder, is starting with action a must?

Yat-yee, his family don't have a clue that he's death. He's not allowed to breathe a word.