I'd prefer to see your responses, even if three or four months go between a post. There are plenty of other forums for peer crits, and that's not what I came here for.

However, I don't think anyone should be angry if you decide to stop doing the first page crits. You've already given us tons of helpful advice (and no, my page has not been done yet, in case anyone wondered...).

It's a lot of work. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Thanks for being so generous with your time.

Your comments are useful, and, as the first person said, peer feedback is usually available to most of us.

I say post them as they come in and let the anonymati at them. Only say something if you have something you particularly want to say.

Better to ease off one blog than burn out and lose both. We'd be distraught.

Your comments mean a lot to me, but if you absolutely can't do it, everyone else's comments are worthwhile too. So please don't let the first pages clinic go away.

I'm with the first anonymous comment - I love seeing your comments but I completely understand how much work one blog can be, let alone two!

Could you combine them? Maybe do this one day a week on the other?

When I first started reading this blog I went back and read through the old posts so I think that's a great resource even if you decide not to continue. Regardless of what you do, thank you for taking the time to give us such great insight. It's a tremendous help!

I another who is more interested in your critique than in anyone else's. I have plenty of people who aren't editors to read my work for me.

But truthfully, EA, when I sent in my first page, I assumed you were planning to pick a few here and there that would give you a chance to say something interesting. It never occurred to me that you would pledge to critique every single first page that anyone happened to submit. And that you would then keep the queue open to an infinite number of submissions. I'm not sure these are reasonable commitments to make.

I think you need to do what works for you. I enjoy reading others' works and the feedback, but don't make yourself crazy about it.

I really appreciate all the work thathas been done here too. However, the occasional comment from you would also be helpful.

I'd be a little bummed at not seeing your critiques, but as everyone else said, do whatever works for you.

You have been a saint around this. I think you should do whatever keeps you sane.

And that's exactly why I just poured myself a nice glass of wine.

Sanity is tasty.

You already gave tons of constructive feedback, which we all appreciated.

Plus, writers are really neurotic. (Understatement?) We tend to revise a lot. So the first pages we submitted are probably drastically different by now anyway. Take a breather or stop the clinic, if it's taking up too much time.

I'm with the first poster. If the Anonymati are also the Occasionalati, that is fine by me.

I need feedback from someone whose style and taste I understand well enough to synthesize with my own work. The other Anonymati may be brilliant, but I don't have a strong enough sense of any of them to make good use of most of their comments on a manuscript (sorry, folks!) I'd rather have your feedback on one first-page a month (or something similarly manageable for you) than a free for all.

Sure it would be nice if you had time to critique everyone's submission, but it would also be nice if you published a book for each of us too. Given the limits on your time and budget, I'm really happy to have even the occasional glimpse of the professional mind at work and play. I hope you'll just pick the occasional page (ignoring the order of the queue) that you think is a good example of something (strong voice, evocative mood, bad taste, thesaurus overdose, etc.) and teach us how you think about the issue and thus how we might want to think about it too.

I would still enjoy reading your readers' comments, but perhaps that's because I haven't yet discovered all the peer-review sites your commenters have mentioned. And of course reading the reactions of a real editor is especially interesting.

Whenever maintaining my own blog becomes a chore, I back away from it until it's fun again.

From a selfish point of view, I prefer the anonymous blog to the first pages clinic. The blog gives me some insight into how editors work and what drives them (hilariously) nuts.

Which site allows more catharsis?
Which site feels more like work?

(I don't have any pages in the clinic waiting list, so that's probably why I'm recommending you ditch it).

I also agree with the first anon. I think your writing advice is an invaluable tool for us to peek into how the editing process works, but if it's too much for you, then it's not fair to you.

I also wanted to say that I thought more people would be chiming in on the comments. There's usually a dozen or less commenters (I know myself I don't comment on all of them), and the sense of community I had hoped for over there just doesn't seem to be kicking in, despite all of your very hard work and efforts.

I love the other blog and am learning a lot, and am just grateful for any time that you give us.

We'll support you with whatever decision you make!!

I'd love to see the remaining crits, but perhaps as a post on the regular blog...once in a while.

You have been very generous with your time, and your critiques are both entertaining and informative. But critiquing is a lot work, so I wouldn't begrudge you backing off on that.

I say go ahead and post them and let people comment. Chime in if you have an insight you'd like to share.

I know some people think there aren't a lot of comments on the ones you've posted. But often, I have nothing else to add, so I don't feel the need to comment. Maybe the absence of your critique would prompt more people to comment. Maybe.

I just stumbled onto this blog and have found it interesting and informative. I've already been reevaluating my first page in light of some of the comments. I agree with others, anonymati feedback is better than none! I hope the blog survives!

MyImaginaryBlog:

Peer Review Sites --

AbsoluteWrite.com has a (free) Share Your Work, password protected board, with a forum dedicated to children's books.

There's also the SCBWI boards, but you do have to pay to be a member of SCBWI to access these.

And you may want to find an online critique group. I found mine through the Verla Kay boards (a free forum for children's writers).

There are other sites, as well, but these three are the best places for children's writers, in my opinion. I have posted work over at AW in the past, found my critique group at Verla Kay, and have found beta readers from all three sites listed above.

Editorial Anonymous is my favorite blog, because it is dedicated specifically to children's books. However, this is not the place I come for peer review. I come here for the editor's POV.

- Anon 12:41am (remaining anonymous because I have a novel in the revision stage with an editor at a big house, and she may just be EA. You just never know!)

I, too, would highly value your comments, even if fewer and further between. I wonder if you can somehow merge First Pages with the original EA blog -- I find your comments and insights on others' manuscripts to be just as helpful as your comments and responses to people's questions. Why not answer questions some days, and offer feedback some days, rather than feel pressured to do both simultaneously?

I've appreciated each posting you've made, but if it's too much then please stop.

Comments from the rest of the Anonymati are not necessary, as most of us have peers who already offer us critical feedback.

My own submission is old enough that my text has changed considerably, and I wonder if any excepts more than a month or two old can just be skipped. And then maybe one of every five submissions.

Even if it's not our own work, we do learn from your comments.

I'm with the first Anon here, I find your comments fascinating. I don't think the peer commenting is that valuable because I've noticed from previous comments that everyone is extremely polite and nice. Sometimes too much so maybe, when a good dose of, 'hell no, that's as ordinary as hell,' wouldn't go astray.

I don't have pages in the line-up, by the way.

But anyway, at the end of the day, it is better for you to be happy than be burnt out. I also agree with the person who expected you to do just your faves, like Query Shark does. Blogs shouldn't be pressure. Not in situations like this, when they're not building fame or fortune for you and they're just a public service.

Whatever works for you, we'll get it, truly, we will. : )

I think you can easily close the 1st pages, and leave it there for people to search the archives. It'd be sad, but hey...every once in awhile you could throw a page into your EA blog and that'd be fun too.

I'd love it if you continued posting them and letting Anonymati comment.

It's helpful to read others comments even if they aren't yours.

You could post five at a time once a week and that would let us continue to read and garner ideas for our rewrites.

I've been unable to find a critique group so it's been helpful to me.

I think that someone above me already stated this, but I've also been a little put off by how few Anonymati comment. To have 100 first pages waiting and only the same handful (me being one) of blog readers willing to comment on a page, that's discouraging.

So if people want something for nothing -- feedback for their page, though they don't offer feedback for others, it strikes as being ungrateful.

I love the first pages, but I think you should do what you want.

Interestingly, I did get my page critiqued with snark from EA, though not a lot of guidance on how it could've been improved -- so I focused more on what the commentors said.

I didn't pay attention and submitted a couple of pages (which are way back in the queue somewhere). And those pages have changed drastically in the meantime. So personally, I am fine with never seeing mine come up here.

Yes, there are other sites (like the Crapometer) for peer critique. Not sure they have the readership that EA has though.

I've tried to comment on all of these and have yet to finish that task. So if we are having trouble keeping up, why should we expect you to keep going?

You have been very generous with your time, energy and editorial knowledge. Whatever works best for you sounds great.

ANON 6:51 --

I'm sorry, but your statement is completely illogical.

People didn't send their pages specifically for YOU to comment, Anon. If they sent the pages with that goal in mind, and then failed to comment in return, your assertion would make sense.

But people submitted their pages to receive EA's opinion (and EA has done a very good job with that. I really don't think anyone ever expected her to do 100 free critiques).

In exchange, these people are reading EA's blog, learning the ropes of the publishing business, and (hopefully) sending EA better queries and books. This makes her life easier, I'd imagine, and is her reason for having the blog.

Those who do not comment on every entry are not being "ungrateful". I'm sure those who you've provided comments for appreciate those comments. However, as has been said by others above, people go elsewhere for peer critique. There are those online sources, and lots of authors also belong to critique groups. I often spend two hours per critique for members of my critique group; I do my part for other writers.


ANON 6:41 -- go to some of those online sources provided above. I'm sure you can find a critique group if you put in the leg work and do a little networking.

Mandy --

(I'm Anon 6:51)

Thank you for setting me straight. Dear God, what was I thinking? Or, you know, not.

Sorry, but my comment is not at all illogical. If you are sending to EA and she was sending you her comments back via your private email then yes, then that would be one thing. But she's leaving the comments open on purpose so others can chime in. The more the merrier. At one point she even thanked people for taking the time to comment on others' work. More than one person has gained insight by comments left by Anonymati.

Not everyone has a critique group. I don't. I'm glad you don't need anyone's opinion other than EA. I'm also glad you do your part by providing critiques for others. Obviously I don't personally know you, so if you are somehow the Mother Teresa of critique giving, then my comment probably wasn't directed at you, was it?

My opinion stands. There's a hundred critiques lined up. Very few comments get made by Anonymati. To me that is ungrateful.

I'm a little late to this party, but I totally understand if you don't have the time to keep critting.

You've already critted my pages and I appreciate all of the time you've taken, and all of the anonymati's time. When I post pages anywhere online, I'm grateful for any and all feedback - the good, the bad and the ugly. But I think there are a good portion of people who put work in here that really only wanted your feedback.

What if you emptied the queue as it is and let people submit for peer crits if they still wanted to participate? That is, if you had the time for that sort of thing... either way, I think we're all really appreciative of all the time you spend here and at your regular blog.

EA, you have such a magical way with words.

In many of the past comments, readers have stated how they are very upset by few people critiquing the first pages. The reason I never critique is that EA has already stated what I WOULD HAVE SAID. Sometimes she states EXACTLY what I would have said, but in a much more eloquent critique. How many ways do people need to hear the same thing? I repeat...EA HAS A MAGICAL WAY WITH WORDS...hence, join a critique group if you need something more. I am in a fabulous one.

That being said,this blog would be nothing without EA's magic. If people want a critique forum then this could be it (sans magic).

EA- you already do writers a wonderful service writing Editorial Anonymous. I can't tell you how much I have learned about the industry through your blog alone- the Anonymati is just a bonus.

Like Sarah L said- I have a first page in the queue, but it has already morphed far beyond what I submitted.

I'll take what I can get and won't sniff at it. You are an invaluable source. Thank you for all you have already done for us.

"...The reason I never critique is that EA has already stated what I WOULD HAVE SAID..."

I think this can be true, Trixie, but I guess I'm coming more from the perspective if EA's comments AREN'T what you (as a reader) would say.

A great example is a few entries down, for the MG "Stone's Nest." EA said that she'd definitely read more and it sounded promising, but then 90 percent of the Anonymati said, stuff like "Huh?" and, "Wow, I'm really confused, why are five characters mentioned in the first page? Who is the MC? Why does he want a bath? Why is he talking about castle decorations?"

That's why I feel the balance of EA's comments coupled with others' is really valuable. EA makes overall general statements and the Anonymati nitpick in the way other writers do when they read your stuff.

Here's my take. People come here for your advice. If they value it as much as I personally do, they'll wait patiently.

No need to give yourself a hernia trying to churn out comments on first pages. Take your time - sort of an "if you build it they will come" sort of feeling.

On that note, not everything needs YOUR hand! The anonymati have your back. I like the suggestion of posting first pages with your most screaming comments (the comments you just had to put on if any at all) and let the rest at 'em. This provides multi-faceted feedback!

I agree with some of the commenters here - your advice is greatly appreciated, but please don't lose sleep trying to get to everyone (mine's still in the queue, too :-) )

To me, the 1st paragraph doesn't sound like anything a 19 year old would think while looking at herself in the mirror. An outside observer might say her eyes are "veiled with fog" to imply that her thoughts and emotions are hidden. I'm trying to imagine why she might say this about her own eyes, and all I can come up with is cataracts.

Maybe you're being really sophisticated here and part of her character is that she creates drama around herself to avoid showing/facing her true feelings.

Otherwise, it might be a better opening if you just cut the first paragraph. The interaction between father and daughter feels real and poignant, and does a better job conveying the emotional impact of whatever happened to the MC.

You've succeeded in making me want to know what that was.

P.S.: You want "compliment."

I think the middle two paragraphs are the heart of your beginning. The bit about her at the mirror isn't needed and doesn't really help give any clue about your main character.

You could start with "this afternoon" and take out "the day everything changed" -- don't bother with the set up, just move into the story from there.

I agree with ABH--cut the first paragraph. It's been done to death anyway, opening a scene with a person describing her looks in a mirror.

The stuff with the dad is interesting and makes me start to care about the narrator. I'd definitely want to read on. I think that's where your story starts.

I'm surprised there was no comment regarding the dreaded open with the protaganist looking into the mirror. My main complaint is do you really want to know anything about someone who spends that much time looking into a mirror and describing themself?

"Not I," said the fly.

Hmm. Nothing for me in this first page feels immediate. It also doesn't feel like the "voice" of young adult, but of someone much older.(?)

MCs describing themselves while looking in a mirror is a cliche in YA, so you might want to avoid that and instead slip in her description elsewhere.

Also, I agree with ABH, in the wording seems a bit off. "Large grey eyes, veiled with fog?" "I will not and smile and compliment his direction..." This is just my opinion, but I don't know any teens that talk or think like this -- which leads me to believe this is historical fiction(?)

Also, instead of telling us what the MC "thinks" is going to happen later on with her dad, it might help to put us directly in the theater so we can witness the uncomfortable shit between her and her dad.

I agree with many that this isn't a very effective opening in that, despite some really lovely bits, there are sections that feel over-written and the voice doesn't pull me in.

But I will say the emotion at the heart of it is a very YA emotion - especially that sense of watching your parents watch you, and knowing they don't really see you. And the distance I feel in this description could work, with an immediate YA voice.

The disconnect though is that, as drafted, I don't feel that the voice is one of a teen, even of an adolescent, despite the very adolescent emotion.

So, I would take the emotional heart of this and rework the voice for a more immediate YA voice.

Good luck.

The author is good at descriptions, absolutely. And I think that's a good thing. However, there's a lot of telling here. I'd like to be more engaged as a reader through dialogue or action.

I think that could be added in without much fuss.

The MC annoys me. It's possible for a protagonist to be pretentious and interesting...Artemis Fowl, for instance, or maybe Scarlet O'Hara. This girl sounds like the voice of a literary analyst, and a self-centered one at that. The writing is lyrical enough, but the voice needs work.

Pretty much ditto what's been said. I'd really love to see the theater scene in action. I think you can get a lot out of it if you make it more immediate.

I'm intrigued despite the issues and would read a little more to see if it picked up, but it would have to do that really soon.

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. Clearly I need to do some more work here, but it's good to know there's something underneath worth working on!

As an Elvis fan, I'm giving this one lots of props.
:-)

I thought this was kooky in a very good way. I'd definitely keep reading. You have a confident voice, and I have high hopes for your story.

I agree -- some nice images and a strong character's voice. I like it and would definitely continue to read.

I like your voice! The first paragraph was a little bit confusing, since the mom is not in the scene; maybe this is something you could bring in later. But I love the rest of it, and the alphabetizing thing is enough to make me want to read more. Good work!

The writing is fine, and flowed really nicely for me.

My nitpicks:

I wonder if MG audiences would know or care about Elvis? Or if they would "get it" that the MC's name is Presley, and relate that to Elvis?

Also, what kind of school plays Elvis over the loudspeakers every morning? I'm not sure if it's important enough for all the attention it's been given. (Hard to know, though, without reading the rest).

And whee! I love the alphabetizing bit at the end. (I have a similar character in a WIP YA.)

I'm torn on this one. If I just picked it up and read the first page, I'd probably read on a few.

But having said that, the set up felt like it went on a little long. The sensory details and the flash to home all worked - especially the cookie fumes permeating the place.

The popular kids line felt forced to me - like the obligatory nod to status - and it would work better to show interaction with actual popular kids later, I think.

I did think you found a good way to drop the first nudge that this protagonist's brain works differently and it will be an issue in some way. That felt natural and a logical place for the insight.

So, all in all, I'd give it a another few pages, based on voice alone, but it would sing if tightened up a little.

Good luck.

The voice is strong, character is awesome. The first paragraph needs to move to it's place in time...We adults have little patience for out-of-time segments without hints of where they belong, most children have less, I imagine. My 11 year old sister says she hates starting books because she doesn't know what's going on at first. The sooner she does know, the better. :) I really like this, by the way.

I'm going to ditto everyone here. First paragraph was out of place and left me thinking 'huh?'. Then you really got the ball rolling enough for me to enjoy reading and want to know more.

I also agree about tightening it up a bit. Your pace is good, but it could be great.

One thing that brought me up short was the alphabetizing before the explanation. My brain was trying to make it a word or understand what it meant before moving on to the explanation. Not sure having the explanation first would work and it seems others are fine with it as is.

I'm the writer -- and appreciate the helpful comments! I haven't been on-line much this summer, so I don't know if anyone will see this late acknowledgment, but THANK YOU!

Hmmm. Bear with me while I try to explain my reaction to this because I fear I won't make any sense...

On the surface this reads well, but that is the problem, imo, the writing is staying at the surface level. The characters SEEM like characters, and not real people. It feels forced.

Things like:

"Hey buddy, if you're dumb enought to get caught, prepare to pay the consequences."

“What about me? I’m sorry I got caught. Jeez. But sending me to a third world country? With missionaries? What kind of a punishment is that?"

... I'm not buying this dialogue as containing real emotions because it's so busy trying to cram exposition in there (summer vacation; me, his only son; third world missionaries and even saying Cy Thompson swiveled in his chair -- it feels out of place somehow).

I think you need to calm down the writing a bit, so it can go to belly level, instead of staying on the surface. The way it reads now it's almost too light and airy, like chick-lit. Think about it, if someone told you you were going to have to spend the summer in a third world country you'd feel that at gut-level, with a weight of real emotion that, for me, seems to be lacking here.

And this is just me, because I know they do this a lot in YA, but a teen refering to their parent by their first name doesn't ring truthful -- "...this first Cy and I entertained since Christmas."

This is of interest to me because I like boy YA and I see potential here.

You might want to consider getting into your MC head a little more because in certain places the voice seems off.

Example:
"...Not a drop left over an underaged guy could swipe..."

An underaged guy? Teens don't talk or think like this. They don't refer to themselves as "underaged guys." It's like you are trying too hard to remind the reader the MC is a teen, and it's not neccessary. Readers know YA characters are under legal drinking age. They know teens drink anyway. They ARE teens. :)

Good luck!

I'm interested in the concept of the book, and I think it could be a good read, but the writing needs to be much more polished. As others have noted, the dialogue is very stiff and there are lapses in the voice. I think you have the right scenes - first the conversation with the father and then on the plane, but the scenes just aren't coming alive to me. Maybe they're too condensed? Or you're not packing in enough emotion? Also, the way you introduce the MC's name is really contrived, "...me, Landon Gilbreath Thompson." It's obvious you're trying to tell the reader the MC's name. Good luck! It seems like a marketable idea.

I do like the scene on the plane although I do agree with anon's "underage" observation.

As far as the beginning, I wondered about the "C'mon". It didn't seem to belong in the same sentence as a shouted "BS".

And the large chunk of dialogue from Cy might feel less forced if the kid had a reaction or two during the speech. Does the guy have spittle flying off his lips? Are his teeth perfect or yellow? And are there any distractions in the room or in the kid's head?

Okay, I'm giving this another try. My first comment never showed - maybe I didn't pass muster? :)

I really like the plane scene, it does sound more relaxed though I do agree with anon's "underage" comment.

I did wonder about the use of "C'mon" in the same sentence as a shouted "BS".

And I think the long area of the dad's dialogue could be smoothed out by showing some of the action and the son's observations while he's talking. Does spittle fly when his dad speaks? Are his teeth super white or yellow? Are there any other distractions in the room?

The premises is interesting--sending a spoiled, do-badder (not good English or a word, I know) kid to "a third world country" to keep him from embarassing his father for a summer. I can see this getting interesting.

But if I was an agent, I would've stopped reading on page one because of the typos. 1) "your last couple of months was reckless." -- should be "were reckless" 2) "my father had another think coming" -- should be "thing."

I, too, thought the dialogue was a little stilted at times. I know it sounds silly, but if you haven't already, try reading it out loud. It's amazing how much that can improve your dialogue.

Good luck!

I have something of a hard time believing that even as a punishment a dad would send his son to live with people whose values he has no regard for. I'm also not so certain that with global media a kid's name would be so certain to stay out of the "newspapers" just because he's on an island in the sea -- a savvy parent might prefer to lock their child in a cellar. However, even if you accept those premises, as a reader I'm bored already because I read the dad's (er, Cy Thompson's) admonition to not go getting religion as a giveaway of exactly what's going to happen once our hardened protagonist softens to his new mission surroundings. I guess the drama will surround exactly how he gets religion, but it's a little disappointing to already be anticipating that ending by the first page.

Be careful about typos and grammatical errors. I saw about five obvious ones. E.G., "thing" not "think", "religious" not "religion", "last conversation WITH my dad", etc. I found it distracting.

Overall, I thought it was a very interesting story and I wanted to hear more.

I agree that the last para was the best.

Another "think" coming is often used in speech. Though it's not grammatically correct, it is a phrase that won't necessarily resonate with readers as wrong, the way a few have mentioned.

I thought the problem with the voice is....maybe intentional? What I mean is, I get the sense that this kid is part of this pampered, spoiled world with this kind of a rich jerk for a father...someone who is pompous and a bit insincere, maybe a blowhard.

I get the feeling that the kid, like a lot of teens, is almost self-consciously mimicking that kind of self-aggrandizing attitude. Or trying to show how "over that" he is. And, of course, he ends up seeming like a pompous jerk too.

So, I thought it was intentional that he didn't necessarily sound like other kids, he doesn't think of himself as "a kid."

But, having said that, it still doesn't quite read right or flow properly. I'm not sure you've 100% nailed his attitude or shown that it's purposeful. And you need to be careful that, if he is supposed to start as a spoiled jerk, there's still some reason we might like him and want to go along for the ride.

I'm thinking of "Mistress Mary, quite contrary" in The Secret Garden -- she was a pill, but there were hints of something else in there, like when she was playing flowers just after the cholera epidemic. So, you had some sympathy and wanted to see what happened, even if she wasn't likable. We need that for Landon -- a reason to root for him, even if he's being a pompous jerk.

Thanks to everyone for their insightful comments. I apologize for not responding sooner. I just got back from vacation.

EA – I do believe this was a bit of first page-itis. :) The first page now starts on the plane which also circumvents unnecessary information/spoilers.

This has been changed to 3POV limited to better serve the story. Originally, I switched back and forth in first person between the two main characters. I am attaching the new version and appreciate feedback anyone would like to offer.

Stale air blew out the vent above Landon Thompson and the overweight businessman next to him snored. In fact, he’d been snoring ever since inhaling dinner and downing two glasses of wine. Landon eyed the empty bottles. Not a drop left over a guy could swipe.

He shifted in his cushy first class seat and thumbed through a magazine. He figured his Dad thought a first class plane trip was supposed to make up for the forthcoming personalized version of hell. The whole thing ticked him off so much he felt like shoving his fist through the back of the seat in front of him. He gritted his teeth and flicked his thumb off his pointer finger.

The plane angled downward and Last of the Mohicans, slid away from him on the floor. BAM. He slammed his foot on top of the book to stop it from sliding further, and the fat slob next to him jumped. Probably the most exercise he’d seen in years.

The Captain’s voice boomed overhead, “Please remain in your seats. The fasten seatbelt sign is now on. We are beginning our descent into the Puerta Plata Airport.”

Nah, really? Why do they always feel the need to state the obvious? Puerta Whata? The Dominican Republic? One thing’s for sure, when you piss off Cy Thompson, expect paybacks. No doubt about it, his latest stunt had royally pissed his father off. He popped a stick of gum in his mouth and winked at the twenty-something flight attendant who had drooled over him most of the trip.

After exiting customs, he looked around for his ride. The Abram’s would send someone to pick him up. The airport was a somewhat normal airport if a bit sub par, a bunch of noisy kids running around and people hugging, pretending they cared.

Anon June 19 9:31 AM

Good point about the under-aged guy comment. I took it out. :)

MelissaPEA – Thanks for the encouragement. I actually did some major revising and dialogue was one of the targets. I’m hoping it comes across polished with natural dialogue. Unfortunately… you can’t tell from the first page as the dialogue is minimal.

Nancy Coffelt – Thanks for your insight. I liked your suggestions regarding reactions.

JessJordan – The spoiler has been taken out in the revised version. Thanks for pointing that out. Regarding the typos, the be verb issue was due to the fact that I revised POV on this 4 times before settling in on the one to do this story justice. You read the third version. I apologize for missing that. In regards to another “think” coming, that is thanks to an online critique group. Originally, I had another thing coming. I was assured I was wrong.

myimaginaryblog – Thanks for your insight. The spoiler has been taken out.

Anon – June 19 9:35 PM – Thanks for your caution on grammatical issues and typos. I’ve combed through and will continue to comb through for problems before submitting to an agent. This one is still very much in the works. :-) I’m glad you found it interesting.

Buffra – You were right about intentionality in the voice. I agree with you about issues concerning flow. I’m hoping I’ve addressed those. You are right on about the need for the MC to be likable. I also hope I’ve addressed that as well.

Thanks to all! :)

Just wanted to say great job in trying to hear the critiques and use them.

I do prefer the second version -- we have the same info, but the flow is better.

A few minor typos (in the Last of Mohicans paragraph there are some rogue commas and Abrams doesn't need an apostrophe), but those are easily tackled.

Nice. Good luck as you continue the work!

"another think coming" makes sense to me whereas "another thing coming" makes no sense at all! lol

I dunno, this strikes me as a "sorrows of the rich" story, and I'm going to need some reason to like the kid or I'm not going to read on. Spoilt rich kid learns traditional values from poor people is overdone in fiction; I've never known it happen IRL.

Two things struck me. Firstly, if this kid is so cocky and out of control, why does he get on the plane? And secondly, if Dad is so concerned about media exposure, why doesn't the kid at least try to exploit that?

Buffy Squirrel,

I know several well to do kids who have learned values and a better perspective from spending time with people in a third world country. I guess it's all about people's connections and experiences regarding what seems feasible or not. This is quite normal/realistic from what I've seen...

Thanks for bringing up those questions and sharing your perspective.

Buffra,

Thanks for the encouragement. :)

You're right, Anon--our own experiences do influence how believable we find fiction. That and being a cynical old squirrel :).

Very minor point--"another think coming" may be a more colloquial expression than I would have realized. The confusion here comes from altering the beginning half of the construction (possibly because of past tense). Works better in a direct dialogue:

"If you think a first class plane ticket is going to make up for a summer in hell, you've got another think coming."

I enjoy fantasy, and this seems unusual enough to hold my attention. I would continue reading. There did seem to be a lot of flitting back to previous events for a few seconds; however, if you don't make a habit of it, then I, as a reader, could overlook that.

As far as setting the story, this is a great start. I don't know how early the "action" part should come in, but...well, it isn't here yet. I like it, but don't have any sense of the overall conflict just yet.

I feel like there's potential, but I was confused about whether "Zac" was the one who went to school in the north. Also, I felt like I was jumping from topic to topic too quickly. Is this about architecture, or about gryphons or about cooking and vegetarianism? Who are Zac, Stefan and Sera? Which one is the main character?

However, the fantasy world you're creating is intriguing.

I liked this, and I'd continue reading. But I felt the writing was awkward in the first few paragraphs. Where it really smoothed out (for me) was at this point: Sera had been made queen when she was three, and her vegetarian declaration was made when, at age five
I also felt you could start there and delete the other stuff, working it in a different way...
Just my opinion, but sounds intriguing! Good luck!!
:-)

Okay, I officially give up trying to figure out what EA's is thinking. Ones that get slaughtered don't read that bad to me and others that seem to need sorting out get praised. SO take this with a HUGE grain of salt... :)

I have to say I am confused. The entire page reads like a pyramid of thoughts that don't seem to have a point (where he'd gone to school, gryphons, the way his grandmother decorated a castle). The only dialogue present is from a conversation that's already taken place in the past: "Stefan's friends had asked." And then thoughts on eating deer meat and a queen named Sera are tacked on at the end. For what purpose?

Where is Stefan now, right now? Outside? Inside? At school? You say he wants a hot bath so I figure he's in the bathroom but then you go into fifty examples of what his former life was like. The writing itself is good and strong, but I'm lost. I haven't got a clue what this character might be facing in terms of what he might want, or need to accomplish here.

It seems intriguing, and I have a lot of questions, but some of the questions are because it's confusing. The beginning needs more focus. You start out basically with a complaint about plumbing. Is this kid-friendly enough to sustain a MG reader's interest? "A castle" seems too generic; "the castle" might be better here. "Was that too much to ask" borders on cliche and is close to whiny. Spigots, sputtered, spitting is too much alliteration. I agree with EA that vomiting is the wrong word. "Also carved from stone" seems unnecessary. You use too much past perfect tense throughout. Change wherever possible; it makes it seem like you're telling old news. "Explaining how...organic his home was"? Explaining to whom, the other students? And why would the composition of his home even come up in conversation at a middle school? Do we need to meet Granny here? Who is Zac? Do you mean self-conscious instead of vain, but regardless, you can cut that sentence anyway, because it's telling rather than showing and the reader can infer it from the previous quotation. It felt like you had too much description here, not enough action, and you're throwing too many characters at the reader at once. Still, the writing has a nice quality to it, and I think with tweaking it could turn into something fun. Good luck.

Like this a lot.

I would definitely take this off the shelf.
And this sounds MG, which means if you don't have a fun voice, a new look of fantasy, and potential plot staring me in the face, I'm putting it back.

Good luck! I hope to read the rest sometime...

Hmm, yeah, this is the sort of unfocused stuff that I don't like, so it's probably fortunate for the reading world that I don't get to play in this market.

There's lots of great detail here, making me think that this Fantasy world is well-developed and probably an interesting place to spend some time. But oh, the wandering.

I liked the first line, but quickly started tripping over what seemed to me to be odd word choices or over-alliteration:

- spigots sputtered at him, spitting cold water on his hands,
- vomiting huge quantities of the icy stuff into the sunken bath.

Both the multiple Ss felt a little forced, and the vomiting brought me up short.

I'd read on, but if it became a pattern it would probably cause me to lose interest.

I'm also wondering what boy wants a bath...so I wondered about MG boy readers and whether it would hook them.

"whimsical patterns" also struck me as an odd boy POV word choice for a MG book.

And I'm for setting scene, but the description was going a little long, making me a little antsy because I wanted to know more about Stephan...and then I got confused as to who Zac was and who he was talking to...so I got a little confused...

I did like the tone of it, and the earnest quality you seem to be building into Stephan is very nice and could make him an exceptionally empathetic character. But it all felt a little...well, quiet for me.

Not sure MG readers would get sucked in with so much description and such a quiet tone.

So, if it were me, I'd read a few more pages to see what came, but some action would have to pick up and give me more of Stephan - who is he, what does he want or need...

good luck.

Emily

I don't read MG or fantasy, so take my comments with a huge grain of salt.

Where I got interested is toward the end, where you start talking about Serafina. I think it's because it's clear what she wants, even if it's something small or not so connected to the plot (she wants to save animals from being eaten; this tells us about her character).

I think what might help tie the first several paragraphs together is focusing on one thing that Stefan wants. (a bath? for the school friends to understand his home? to explain how interesting his home is through cooking/gryphon/mattresses/fabrics? to explain a little bit of his history, through the story about Serafina?) Whatever it is that he wants at first, you form your descriptions or whatever around that, and it might help the opening from being disjointed.

I did understand right away that Zac is a gryphon who objects to the portrayal of his beak as large, (I guess that's an advantage of being a very slow but careful reader,) but I agree with others that his voice breaking in to the action (or lack of action) right here to say so is confusing and distracting.

I also agree with the others that MG boys are not usually nearly so attuned to their surroundings (rich jewel tones and tie-dye cottons. *I* know the difference between a silk and a cotton, but my MG son does not.) (BTW, I'm new to the terminology but I'm assuming MG means middle grades?) A boy COULD be aware of these things, but you'd have to give the reader a good reason to believe he would be -- like if he'd had some training as a weaver. But only if his being trained as a weaver were pertinent to the story. :)

Also, a whole castle carved from a monolith is pretty hard for me to believe in, even though I've seen Petra in Jordan and the Anasazi ruins in the four corners area, because in those cases I think they at least started with natural caves. Cutting and hauling all that rock OUT of the interior of a monolith would be quite a work. I'd expect to be told that it took a few generations to accomplish the feat (and I'd have to be pretty persuaded that there weren't easier options like caves to work with.) All that said, I think that little quibble of mine is one that wouldn't even occur to your MG reader.

Hee hee hee.

I totally forgot about this. Um, it's mine, and I did NOT understand the instructions - I am just in love with moonrat and often lose myself in stalking her.

Um, so this is the very first, poured out NaNoWriMO-like first page of a first draft. I seriously apologize for not reading the assignment more carefully.

Criticisms noted, edits will definitely be made, and yay to anyone who wants to read further!

Author, I am in love with your writing.

I'd read it and I don't even like MG. It has that same airy-type feeling, a surreal feeling that, for me, Jellicoe Road also had.

Good luck!

I love the imagery--his voice caught, creased with sadness, meanness replaced blood in my veins, the lame dog. It's beautifully written. My only slight comment is that in the sentence, "When I got into trouble and ended up in the Children's Court," I'd omit "I got into trouble." I think trouble is implied, if the narrator landed in Children's Court. But I'm just nitpicking here. Great job, and good luck!

It's so difficult to find that line between showing us a young person who's not pleased with his/her lot in life without presenting him/her as a whiny kid. For me, you have found the balance. This is a kid I'm willing to tag along.

I like this. I like the MC's voice (I agree with Yat-Yee about the balance) and I like the uniquely Australian bits.

I want to know what happens next. (And more about what happened before too!)

Yes, that Australian voice adds some nice personality to this. I'd definitely keep reading. The only thing I saw that made me pause was where she describes her brother behind her waving out the back window but in the next bit stresses that she refuses to look back.

Great voice, great story questions, and an interesting main character would all have me wanting to read more.

But there were some POV slips, in my opinion. I drive an ipod wearing teenager, so these popped out at me.

First, like Nancy said, she's slumped in her seat listening to her ipod, and at the same time describing in great detail what her brother is doing in the back seat - clutching his box, looking out the window, saying "wow" when he saw a car (how can she hear him, if she's wearing the ipod? How can she hear her father?) And it seemed like a very short trip to Manna Bend.

But those are just nit-picky, really minor things. Well done.

This has a nice voice, and the main character has depth - anger, sadness, can get into trouble... And you pack a lot of character building into the page, so I would definitely read on.

A few things I'd comment on if you were in my crit group:

I wasn't crazy about the fist line, but I did love "My hatred for Mum burned through me all over again." That's where you snagged my interest.

I wondered how she could hear him with her iPod on.

I loved her sentiment in the sentence "I hated how enthusiastic he was, and knew it was mean, but meanness seemed to have replaced blood in my veins." but wanted a different word for "enthusiastic" - of course I couldn't come up with a suggestion, but it felt...formal for the sentence. But that's a nitpick.

I also wasn't crazy about the "stray dog" analogy, but overall, the first page worked.

And I agree that in addition to having a strong voice regardless of location, the fact that it is set in Australia did ass interest for me.

good luck.

Emily

Author here:

It's a dystopian YA, not a sports novel.

I didn't feel I should info dump the "world" that quickly, so I sprinkled it throughout, the further you read the more it makes sense. Is that wrong?

(At the end of the game in question the MC will lose his place on the team, thereby kickstarting his journey -- he has to find a way to eat, since he's no longer paid to play football. And yes, at the end of the games there are murders -- it's not a democracy.)

Think more The Chocolate War and less Disney princess.

All comments welcome. I can take it. I've been rejected by the best. Bring it on, people. :)

Maybe if you start as he's suiting up for the game? I think even the scattered way yuo're handling it feels a bit like an info dump.... the meteor attack seems to come from no where, and the sentence about the crowded season and rotating schedule is WAY TMI to process when you're trying to get into a characters head.

Even is Distopian novels, the CHARACTER is important. In this beginning, I feel like you're hammering me with an interesting setting before I have a chance to get to know your character---

If you start with suiting up, you might be able to convey the twisted sense of the world a bit better? You know, the protective gear is different, his brother snarling at him about keeping score, someone on the team peeking out at the crowd and saying 'They want blood tonight. I hope this doesn't end like the Haysworth/Wallinshed game..." Give a slow sense of weirdness and wrongness..... The meteors aren't super important at this point, I think... the cause of dystopia is never as interesting as the dystopia itself. (Think 1984 and Brave New world... do we ever really KNOW what crisis preciptitated the change?)

Still, The character seems like he has a lot going for him--I'd just like to see more HIM, less info dump, on the first few pages. I want to FEEL what he feels, not hear about government regulations and watching TV when he was 6......

I see an exciting idea at the core of this. It feels almost like a futuristic, gladiator type of manuscript.

However, I agree with Deidre. You have too much info from the get-go. You're bogging down the reader in rules. Do we really need to know the number of games they played last year or the fact that they only have one stadium, which the different sports share? Or that they just changed the scoring system? You're interrupting your own scene of action with these rules.

You also have too much going on, like Deidre said. The meteor, the sicko father who made their minds and apartment feel larger when he left, the sibling squabbles. Get into your story quicker, easing the backstory in at moments when it's truly needed. Also, be careful about cramming too much into individual sentences. Example: "They were hungry, literally, and wanting entertainment, wanting, Alex Winter knew, as he lifted his head and panned the throngs, to kill someone." You have important thoughts in there, and they're getting lost.

Work on tightening the beginning. Decide what your ultimate purpose is for the first page, and stick to that goal, without getting too caught up in minutia.

Good luck!

Might be due to what I normally read, but I caught on pretty quickly to the "not our normal game day" bit. Still, if others are getting stumped, it makes sense to tighten it up.

I personally LIKE knowing that their lives were normal ones we can relate to until there were meteors that hit. Maybe just some ways to smooth it out and make the transitions more clear?

Good luck.

I really like the premise of this. But I'd really like to have more of this character's experience being in the game. It feels a little distant. I like the stomping of the crowd but how about the thud of getting slammed, breathing hard - that copper taste in your mouth, sweat stinging eyes or making it hard to see, sweat making a scalp itch under a helmet or the communication between players - there could be a lot of great emotions there.

I agree with what Deidre said...
Also, I didn't want to be taken out of the moment so quickly. I felt the part "Long ago they'd changed..." broke the momentum you had going. Keep us in the action (even back up a bit like Deidre said) and give us the history bit in a non-action moment.
Good luck!!

I was struck by EA saying she was impatient with the witholding of info in the first paragraph.

Seems like there is a difference between "discovering" what is going on AS you read and a book that "tells" you what you are reading. Neither is wrong, just different. The Grim Reaper first page a few posts down tells you "I am the Grim Reaper." This one isn't quite that simple, you might have to read a bit first. A literary voice as opposed to a chick-lit type voice, maybe?

I think there's an important line to be observed between 'intriguing' and 'confusing'. I LOVE being intrigued. I HATE being confused.

So no, you don't have to give everything away-- definitely hold enough back to draw your reader through the story. But holding too much back will have the opposite effect--that of shutting your reader out.

I really enjoy a good dystopian novel, and I think you have some very interesting details here.

The problem is that your first sentence has us in the thick of the game. The very next sentence doesn't fit in that moment. If he's in the middle of the game, why would he be thinking about the short season? His attention would be on the game and why it was not going as planned. I think that's what EA means about withholding info. You drop an intriguing story question on us (the game not going well), and then you immediately segue elsewhere.

So, stay in the game and what he is thinking/experiencing, or do what Deirdre suggested and step back to where he is preparing for the game. The backstory makes more sense then, as he's lacing up he can remember watching "Old-style" football with his brother, back when touchdowns were 6 points and the losers didn't have to die, or whatever you have changed.

I think you can focus on the game at hand, and the stakes, and wait on telling us about the meteor and the sick father. How he plays the game will show us his character (is he a dirty player, etc.). So we get to know him. Then, when he loses his spot, you can introduce the family dynamics.

Good luck!

I have to say, the voice of this kept me reading even though I felt a little "hide the ball" and was feeling impatient.

And I will also say that I got a Chocolate War feel from it pretty quickly - so I wondered if there was more going on (funny then to read the author's comment - you got the right feel).

BUT, I'm not sure how much longer I'm hanging in to figure out what is happening, AND I wonder how many readers don't reach the "clues" because they see sports all over the page and think it's a sports book.

It has some real nice bits, and nice voice, and I think the premise sounds interesting, but I'm not sure starting with the sports info is going to hook the reader you want to hook.

good luck.

emily

I liked it, but I have no idea if the MC is a boy or girl. Also, no indication of the MC age, these are things I'd want to know sooner rather than later.

I can't tell if the MC is horrified or panic-striken or what about seeing the body. "Not believing what I saw" seems like too much of a observant rather than emotional reaction. (since I don't know the sex of the MC, I'm not sure what they would be feeling? A girl would wonder if a killer was out there, and going to be after her?)

Overall great job though. Good luck!

This seems like a great concept. The opening sentences could be a little grabbier. I think you can cut the whole paragraph that starts with his/her feet pounding and ends with the hairy neck. The beginning of the next paragraph could be tightened to get to that dead body faster. Overall, though, the voice is good and the story is intriguing. Good luck!

I'm determined to comment on all of these, since I submitted one too and it only seems fair.

But this one has me stumped!

It's not my cup of tea, but there's nothing really wrong with it.

Partly it's the first-person narrative. I'm picky about that. Also, for me, there's too much running and not enough emotional connection with the MC. Clearly there will be trouble or excitement, but I don't care about MC yet, so I'm not that interested.

Maybe in the second paragraph (the running one) a change that includes some of the runner's *thoughts* about trouble or family or...something that could be an emotional hook?

I don't know if it would fit and, as I said, there's nothing really not working, it's just a personal preference, I think!

Good luck.

I was drawn into this, mostly because I ran cross country in high school. I like the flow, and the bit about the silent house he/she's not anxious to get home to. If you want to drop a hint as to this person's sex, you can have him jogging shirtless, or have her feel the sweat through her jog bra. Just a suggestion.

I think if you came across a bloody body on a path, you wouldn't be thinking about how her hair hid how old she was. You'd be thinking, oh my gosh, is she alive? I don't think you'd notice that she wore dark jeans when there's a blood stain on her shirt. I think you'd be looking around for help or whipping out your cell phone (I run with one, just in case, but I'm a girl). I think there would be more panic. This character's narration seems much too calm.

Overall, I'm hooked and would read on. Good luck.

Wow, thanks for the feedback, EA. Author, here, and it's like I found out somebody threw me a surprise party -- a couple of days after the fact.

To anonymous: thanks for your comments. The MC is a guy (David), senior in high school, and the son of a deputy sheriff. You find this out in the first chapter.

MelissaPEA: thanks for your suggestions. I have to keep some of the running stuff in there, because the MC is on the track team. It also sets up for later when the villain breaks David's leg. I'll see to tightening the whole thing, though.

Buffra: Thanks for commenting. I know what you mean about first person being tricky. And maybe my hint of trouble at home (not hurrying back to it) was too subtle? As a senior in high school, half of a bachelor household, and the son of a deputy, I thought the touchy-feely kind of thing would be un-realistic.

Thanks all for the read. It's given me much to think about.

WandaV

To me, the part about wanting to stay out of trouble rings true -- if your MC has been in a lot of trouble and is trying to clean up his/her act. I assumed the MC was male -- I'm not sure why.

I'd cut off the running stuff after "working like it was supposed to."

In "My car waited somewhere beyond them" I'd take out "somewhere," unless your MC really doesn't know exactly where the car is.

"Stubborn cones" throws the voice off. Just "cones" is better.

To me, the MC's disbelief and examination of the scene is a plausible reaction to something surprising and very, very not right. But the order of events seems confused. The MC stops, but then has stumbling steps. Hair hides her face -- but he's wondering about her age, of all things?

I do think the voice conveys personality and it's overall an interesting start.

Now that I think of it, the name "David" may be what made me think the MC was male. Also, forgot to say he comes across as a fairly mature teen.

I'm having a little trouble commenting here because I can't really pinpoint why it didn't work for me.

I can start with running stuff felt...well, a little too much. I just didn't care. And so without caring I started to skim.

Then the stumbling on the body seemed a little flat - a little like he had (and I am assuming a he) more emotion about running than about maybe finding a dead body.

So, I'm not sure I read on. But it might also just be I'm not the target reader, though realistic YA is generally what I like.

I think upping the emotional resonance would up the tension for me.

good luck.

emily

WandaV,

I think that you don't have to go too "touchy-feely" to get a little more across about the MC. Maybe even at the very beginning, where he says he runs to stay out of trouble, you could add something about "the son of the town sheriff doesn't get cut any slack"? A few small additions could, perhaps, make the character a bit more accessible.

Again, though, take that with a grain of salt, since I think the style just isn't my preference and that might be OK!

:-)

It has an easy quality to it, very readable.

Dog licking his feet was funny! Didn't see that coming.

I thought the "list" of what everyone was doing, starting with "Everything started this morning..." through ".... I wanted to go to Andy's house" could be cut to get to the MC's dilema a little quicker. Explaining that Dad is scrubbing the kitchen or Mom goes all out for leaves slowed it down quite a bit for me.

Good luck!

I enjoyed how you insert the fact that Pieter has been dead for 500 years in the midst of the usual mom-dad-best-friend-dog. And the dog biscuit between toes is fresh and new without coming across as someone trying to come up with something fresh and new.

I'm hooked. Good first page.

I like it -- humorous and accessible and raising questions that make you want to turn the page.

I liked the family stuff since it gives an idea of where the MC comes from, but do wonder (along with the first commenter) if the dilemma shouldn't be brought in sooner.

While I think you have a great voice and characterization here, and wonderful humor, I am always a little frustrated as a reader when I am tantalized by a juicy opening and then immediately thrown into backstory. I feel like I'm the victim of bait-and-switch. It's almost cliche to start this way - a hero in trouble, then he ponders how he got into that mess.

That said, I would keep reading here. I already love this kid. I laughed out loud at him willing someone else's property back to him. And I love his relationship with his dog. Well done.

Great opening sentence, great voice throughout, nice humor. In the paragraph that starts, "Everything started this morning," you can cut a lot. We already met Mom, Dad, and Justin briefly and this second mention of them slows it down a bit. Also, I can't imagine that he'd be able to sit for hours with a dog licking his feet. It seems like it would be too distracting (it's ticklish and slobbery, after all) and maybe a little yucky, but if no one else thinks that, then disregard me. Good luck!

Thanks for the feedback! I feel like an attention hog, having back-to-back first pages on here. But as soon as I saw the creation of the Anonymati, I wanted in!!
:-)
This ms is going through a beta-read, and I hope to have it out on submission soon.
First, I gotta get a query somewhere...somehow...

To everyone, thank you for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate all of your thoughts!

Anon, It's been through a query/revision process for three years. After each round of queries, I get useful and consistent feedback. The first round of agents told me to *not* jump into the action right away, and to back it up a bit. They were right and it reads much better. You get to know the characters before they go on their adventure. It's all subjective, I know, but I haven't received any criticism on this front since I incorporated their advice, I'm assuming I got it right. But I did have it originally the way you suggest...
:-)


Yat-Yee,
Thank you!! :-)

Ash,
Thank you!!
:-)


Buffra, Thanks! I replied to this point. It's hard to know where to start, but in all conferences I've attended, and in all the early feedback, people want to get to know the characters first. (Though I tend to be an impatient sort myself! heheheh)
:-)


Sheila,
Thanks! I agree with you! But it's not too much backstory because it all happens on the same day. I needed to develop the reason *why* the characters want to travel back in time 500 years (btw, they go to Belgium, and the setting of the story is based on Pieter Bruegel's painting "Children's Games")
Wish EA could let us do first chapters...
;-)


Melissa,
You obviously need to have your feet licked more often.
:-)


Thanks EA for doing this for us--helping us with our writing craft!!
:-)

I think the first paragraph is a great hook, though like EA, I doubt a kid would will his clothes to his mom. Does Steven have a couple of unusual objects to leave his mom that would give us insight into his character? I expect you'll come back to the dictionaries. A kid willing dictionaries to his dad is strange and I figure there's some meaning behind it.


I agree with cutting the list of activities at breakfast and going straight to the writing assignment. I LOVED the dog biscuit between the toes!

LOL, Chris. I know a Lhasa Apso and a Pug who might be willing to enlighten me.

Hi Chris! I recognised this immediately :D.

Looks good.

The first part, about the will, had me. But then it seemed to shift direction fast and I was disappointed and a little annoyed - which I guess is good, since it means the first part hooked my attention.

I'd read on a bit to see where it went, but if it was mostly about the school project or the dog (and gross on the toe licking by the way), I'd lose interest fast.

But, I bet middle grade boys wouldn't lose interest UNLESS it really was too much about school work...

good luck.

emily

Thanks for your feedback, EA!!

I have a craft question. This story is currently in submission (five agents are reading a full). But I received a rejection last week from an agent who said she loved my voice and the humor that permeates the story, but the pace was too fast.

The structure of the story is very similar to Alice in Wonderland, and I mention that in my query letter. But I think her point is valid ---so right now I am making minor revisions by adding narration to some scenes. But this is a 'boy' book. My question for you is this: In the current market, what are some things that editors look for in a 'boy' book?

If you have time to answer, I'd really appreciate it! And many many thanks for your comments on my opening!!!
:-)

Great humor!

My only concern is I don't know if Mr. Chance is alive. Is he a teacher or something? Someone we are going to meet? Or has his mysterious notebook been left in the library and that is the draw? (When you say the Legend of Mr. Chance, that makes him sound like he's dead.)

Chris, I'm no editor, but I have a comment about your pacing questions. I read a ton of boy books (pre reading before I give it to my son) and I think that if the pace is all fast...it just becomes boring. To think that boys all have a short attention span is not the right reason to pace it quickly (I know you didn't mention short attention span, just go with it). I think fast is good, but like a movie, all action becomes lame pretty quickly. You end up kindof glossing over it. Gotta mix it up. Adding some narration is probably not a bad idea...as long as it adds a bit of hook here and there to keep the readers looking around the next page.

Thanks Anon and Vaccuum Queen!

The premise is a kid who is granted ten wishes in time for his birthday, only everytime he makes a wish, something rather twisted happens. Think Bedazzled for kids.

So there are setting changes which quicken the pace. But I did go through after getting that rejection and added narration, which not only slowed the pace but made the character more sympathetic. We'll see... but I agree that too fast is tiresome.

Thanks for the feedback!!!
:-)

Like the Vacuum Queen (can you come to my house, please?), I also read a lot of boy books and am always on the lookout for ones that will interest my three boys. And this definitely looks like one they would like. Humor and magic and a mean guy, that's all good stuff.

That said, I think you are throwing too much at us at once. We have Tony, a rule breaker, making a bet. We have Fat Chance, a mean old guy who hates children (have you read You're A Bad Man Mr. Gum? It's brilliantly funny, you can read the first few pages on amazon. I mention it because it has a similar opening - this guy is so bad he . . .)

We are in school with Tony, then in the magic shop, then in the library. There's a map and a notebook. I've lost my breath.

I really want to know more about the notebook, mostly. What is it doing in the library? Why is the last page empty? Are those lines about Mr. Chance from the notebook, or from Tony's perspective? What does the notebook have to do with the map? And how did Tony, a risk-taker/class cutter, find the notebook, when it was hidden in the library? He doesn't come across as the kind of kid who would spend his free time browsing the stacks.

I like EA's suggestion of letting us discover the notebook with Tony. Good luck, I really would like to see what happens to Tony, and what is magical about the map, and what the legend of Mr. Chance is . . .

The premise is interesting. I feel like it isn't flowing quite right, though -- it's a little "jerky" (probably a pacing thing?) to me.

EA got frustrated with another (a dystopian YA) for being too confusing, but this one has that quality for me. I still feel like I don't understand the notebook -- is it written by other kids? By Mr. Chance? Then why do the kids care, if he's so mean? (And why would he write a notebook and have it in the elementary school in the first place?)

Could be that I'm over-thinking this! :-)

Oh, and his nasty daily checklist seems like it could use some beefing up.

Good premise, that seems marketable, not just to boys either. I like that Tony is a rule-breaker.

Does Tony have the authority to wash the toilets? It seems like a school wouldn't allow a student to do that.

Why the kindergarten toilets? Are they grosser than the other toilets in the school? Not sure you need to specify "kindergarten."

How secret is this notebook, if Tony knows exactly where it is? It doesn't seem hidden, either, on a backshelf. Anyone could find it on a backshelf.

How can Tony skip out on math class unnoticed? That's more of a middle school or high school deed. I know he's inclined to break rules, but it just seemed like something an older kid would do.

The Legend of Mr. Chance notebook is funnny, but I agree with Buffra's comment. Can you amp up the humor on the checklist? Amp up the meanness too.

I agree with Sheila that you're throwing too much at the reader at once. I also don't like the shift to second person when you write "You can probably guess." It's the first time the narrator talks to the reader, and it was jarring.

Good luck - this seems like a fun manuscript.

Thanks Sheila, Buffra, and Melissa! I really appreciate that you took the time to comment!

This was an early draft so some of your concerns have been addressed, but the new version isn't far off from this one. I've been querying this with the first chapter pasted into the body of the email. I figure you're either going to like this voice or not, but you'll know from the beginning. I describe it in my query as "Raold Dahl meets Alice in Wonderland." The tone is similar to Dahl, and the structure similar to Alice in Wonderland. It's not going to be to everyone's taste, but I decided with this book to try to write specifically for boys. I see what my boys like, and what other fifth-graders like (because I volunteer in a library), and some of it ain't pretty. But it's usually in one of two categories: gross or funny.
We'll see... I wish I could see into a magic ball. But I guess we all do, right?

Thanks for your feedback!
:-)

Great first line, nice humor. Feels like a good premise for MG.

But the magical map thing felt a bit young for 10 going on 11, and then the notebook felt a little old for 10 going on 11...so I was left scratching my head a little.

I'd read on, but with an eye toward consistency.

There's also lot going on in this first page and I felt it was a bit too much all at once.

I didn't mind the notebook being tossed out there, instead of discovered, but it did feel like something older kids would be more likely to have than younger ones.

The humor of the "little kids..." parts was great, but I wondered who middle grade readers would feel about "little kids" - would they think they were being called "little kids?" They wouldn't like that very much and it could hurt their interest.

And as much as this has humor, it feels almost like a voice over to me, and I'd rather first get the main character's voice clear before the reading from the notebook.

So, I think this has loads of potential, but I think if the rest moved this fast, with so much narrative rather than the actual adventure, I'd lose interest fast, and middle grade readers would lose interest faster.

But humor is hard to do well, middle grade humor even harder, and you have that. So I say slow it down and take the reader on more of an adventure, and it will come together nicely.

good luck.

emily

EA, thanks, this one was very educational for me. In your slushy experience, is it common to have too many confusing bits of information in the opening? This has come up a few times in the first pages.

I'm guessing the goal is to make people read on in order to learn answers to all the questions raised. What we've seen in the first pages suggests this is easy to overdo.

Chris -- if you want to plunge into action and not gum it up with back story, maybe you could try a prologue? Prologue: Who is Mr. Chance, how he became a legend, what is the notebook, how it ended up in the library. Chapter One: Tony finds notebook, makes rash commitment to find magical map.

And then chapter two starts about where we are now.

Does it have to be one giant paragraph? Maybe that's a formatting thing, but it made it hard to read.

It sounds too young for what you seem to be trying to set up. Some little kid whining about swings is just going to make middle-grade readers think it's a book better suited to their baby brothers.

There seems to be a lack of cohesion in this first page -- too much is crammed in and it doesn't really hang together well yet.

If your MC is 12 but you want to describe an event that happened when he was 5, have the 12-year-old tell us about the event in his voice.

Interested in knowing what's magical about the fishing camp.

Hmm. Maybe don't start with the five year-old scenario, but instead with the MC, right now in present time, on his way to the magical fishing camp?

It sounds odd that the Mom brings him to the camp but won't let him stay -- why trek all the way out there, then? Also, if the fishing hole is the object of wonder, why does the MC seem more interested in the swings?

Also, it seems odd, if it's such a fantastic place, that the MC wouldn't have gone there earlier than 5-7 years after hearing about it. You might want to consider having the MC NOT believe in the magical fishing place, not believe in those eye-rolling stories his grandpa tells about it. But then, years later, meeting up with it again, something happens that makes him believe.

(I have no idea if my advice is accurate -- hard to tell without knowing what direction the story is headed toward.) Best of luck.

I found this hard to follow, as it flits butterfly-like from one idea to the next.

Maybe try harder for a logical progression of ideas? For example:

Patrick is told as a Big Surprise that he's going to the camp.

Patrick can't understand why it's such a big deal and why they're disappointed he's not excited about it.

Patrick starts to remember the camp,which he's completely forgotten in the intervening years.

Just a thought.

I agree with anon 3:47

Agree with Anon 3:47...
I couldn't get past the first couple of sentences. They sounded very young (and I didn't have the patience to read on to discover why).
I agree with everything already said, but hope you strike the right balance in your opening. The magical fishing camp sounds intriguing.

I agree with Anon 3:47. You might try ditching the swing thing totally (unless that's crucial to you plot) and try a completely new angle fomr you MC voice a sa 12 year old. Magic fishing camp... could be interesting. :) All the best!

You've got a great young voice. Maybe this is more in the easy reader/chapter book genres?

I'm not fond of books that start with backstory. There may be a good story in here, but this seems more like suthor notes about what happened and not the novel itself.

"He loved Grandma’s cookies more than anything in the world. Well, except for Mom and Grandma of course."

This is where I'd stop reading. It doesn't ring true to a five or a twelve year old's voice. Sounds like Grandma talking to me.

I agree with those who thought it read young. And I'm skeptical that it could be aged up to MG.

BUT, I too wondered if it wouldn't fit more as an early reader or chapter book. With an 7-9 year old MC it would be an activity he/she would like and the "magic" part would be even more fun.

Even the idea of a magic fishing spot seemed like the kind of thing beginning readers would eat up faster than MG. And then the voice is closer - not consistently there, but it's less of an adjustment.

Here are some more things that stuck out for me:

The "look mom" and the playgorund just doesn't hook me. Neither did the flashback as set up. Even for younger readers, I'd start with the campe or why it's magic. Maybe even him overhearing about the magic fishing spot and then trying to sneak or beg a way there.

> Sure he did. He loved Grandma’s > cookies more than anything in
> the world. Well, except for Mom > and Grandma of course.

I agree that this reads like an adult imposing ideas on a kid, not an authentic kid voice. BUT, the "Yum, cookies" and then reluctantly leaving was not a bad instinct - you might be able to tweak it to work.

Good luck.

I wondered why Mom and Grandma and not Dad and Grandpa.

Initially I thought it must have been a picture book, because of the lack of paragraphs, but even a picture book has to have a new paragraph for every change of speakers.

I was really confused regarding where they were...I could not make a connection between the playground and the fishing camp. And then there was the Fishing Hole...was THAT also at the camp?

If this is going to be a mid-grade, or even a chapter book, it is important to start with the main character at his current age...maybe with him hesitantly approaching the camp as a twelve year old, and then after some details about that, he can reflect back, although I would not necessarily talk about how they needed to make cookies...unless that is important to the story later on.

Thank you for the thoughtful critique. I had a feeling a more judicious hand with the editing was needed, and it looks like I was right. It's one area I'm still trying to get down, especially on a piece as old as this one.

It is a dark fantasy manuscript, with a few science fiction elements thrown in. It's interesting how the word choices led you to think romance.

I definitely have a lot to think about as I continue working on those last rewrites before submission.

Kudos to A.B England for understanding that EA's insightful critique means more work on the manscript is needed. Many authors would ignore such feedback and go their own merry way to never-never- published land. A.B's resiliance is a great sign of a future professional attitude.

I'd like to make a comment on the fantasy genre, since EA doesn't appear to be all that familiar with it...

Overwriting is common in fantasy but it absolutely shouldn't be. Our genre should be no more prone to overwriting than another.(And in today's difficult publishing climate, overwriting isn't going to help any manuscript over the line.)

Fantasy is too often filled with regurgitated concepts, medieval settings and stray bodices and as a genre it needs to be cut, tightened and cleaned and then liberally salted with original ideas.

Here's a suggestion I'd like to make to writers of the fantasy genre in general... try always for originality in delivery and concept. It's not a good thing if your settings, manuscript or characters (Elves anyone?) sound vaguely familiar to readers.

Best of luck A.B, I hope your concept is original and daring and the world will be wowed by it when your next draft is complete.

I often overwrite as well, so I have great empathy for this writer -- but I also think overwriting is one of the easier things to fix.

Cut the damn adjectives -- this is how I go about self-correcting my own overwritten prose.

With so many thoughts and feelings and adjectives thrown around readers often don't know what to focus on -- everything is given equal importance, and after a while your eyes glaze over.

An Example from the provided text: "...However, the shadows of old tales would haunt anyone’s consciousness while preparing to descend into the castle’s depths in the hours before dawn. Few ventured below the ground level, so the area carried a mystique, a feeling of emptiness unsettling to the human mind..."

I had to read this three times before I realized she was just walking down some stairs (also, you already mentioned it was dawn in the opening paragraph, no need to repeat it).

"Pretty" writing is fine, but every once in a while, it helps to just get to the point:

* With each step down into the castle's tomes her heart pounded faster. What would she find there? People? Evil?*

EA's comment...

"I imagine we could have an interesting discussion about what elements pointed me in that direction as early as the second paragraph."

Okay, I don't write fantasy, but I'm curious. What did point you in that direction?

I found "The Book of Lost Things" overwritten in places; my editor brain kept cutting off superfluous half-sentences.

There's one here frex:

"Knowing her way would grow ever darker, Maya steeled herself against the screaming of her nerves."

Consider:

"Knowing her way would grow ever darker, Maya steeled herself."

(I actually like "ever darker" but then I'm an overwriter too. But also an editor with a blade of Damascene steel and a heart of stone!)

You have an interesting premise for an opening here, but it seems to me that it would be a lot stronger if it were more simply stated. I also have no idea what's at stake. I know she's scared and going down into the bowels of the castle is "for real" this time, but I have no hint as to what's awaiting her down there. Not that you want to just cut in with a lot of backstory, but the detailed description of her feelings and the sounds she's hearing on this first page were hard to wade through. I wanted to get sooner to the meat of the story. Also, I'd recommend leaving out "heart skipped a beat" in the first paragraph. It felt cliche to me.

I sincerely hope these thoughts help. And good luck!

Anon 7:35, this is what has kept me away from High Fantasy books. I try every once in a while to pick one up and read, but I find I start editing the story and then I get frustrated.
Loved reading EA's comments---they were very insightful.

I'm with the rest of the gang in believing that this is vastly overwritten. I'd say you need to consider cutting nearly 20% of the decorative prose out. Once you've swept your reader into your story and characters, you may be able to indulge yourself more, but not for the first 20 pages.

Here's my stab at merely cutting--not rethinking--the prose of the first few lines to give you a sense of how dramatic a hair cut I'd suggest you try.

"Lady Maya dressed quickly in the moonlight. Glancing out over the balcony where a glowing horizon heralded the approach of dawn, she realized how little time she had left. She threw her cloak about her shoulders as she rushed toward the door."

I do like fantasy, and I have a lot of patience with stories I love, but you need to win the reader before you ask for his or her patience.

Good luck. There are never too many rich fantasy novels to feed my appetite--and your description of it as a "dark" one makes it all the more enticing.

Thank you all for such helpful suggestions. Here's a stab at a rewrite.

Maya dressed by the light of the twin moons. She glanced out over the balcony as she pulled on her boots. She’d overslept, and it was nearly dawn. Soon the staff would begin their shifts, and there would be no chance for her to slip away unnoticed.

She grabbed her cloak as she left. The soft clicks of her heels seemed deafening to her, and the dancing shadows cast by the wall torches felt ominous as if ghostly fingers reached for her skirts, trying to stop her as she fought the urge to run to make up time.

Maya chided herself for imagining such things. She wasn’t playing a game to relieve the tedium of lessons and household responsibilities. Not this time. She had to be free of guards and Reiont Castle before dawn, or she never would be.

Few ventured below the ground level, so no torches were left burning in their sconces. Maya tried to settle her nerves as she prepared for the darkness to come.

She looked back, but the winding stairwell was empty. Maya shook her head before she stepped into the catacombs. If she’d heard anything, it must have been a mouse.

Better? Worse? No real difference? I'm still trying to develop an "ear" for a good balance.

AB England,

I found it a lot easier to dive into the action of your re-write and stick with it. There are still the "fantasy" clues, but they're just part of the narrative, not intrusive.

I think that the rewrite is definitely in the right direction. Good for you!

I like the rewrite!

One thing that stood out to me was that it has much more specific detail: twin moons, boots, soldiers, the name of the castle, the empty sconces.

You still use lovely language, but it feels like it's doing something, if that makes sense.

This was helpful to me. I'm trying to learn how to make pretty language contribute to my story, not obscure it- and this was a great example.

I was firmly in fantasy from the start. But maybe it's because that's what I read (and write).

I loved the beginning. Drew me in rather nicely. Then it got a little too technical/cold with extra bits that threw me out of being in the MC. You've got a lovely lyrical style that is being overshadowed by trying to force in details. IMO.

My first, first thought at the beginning sentence was "just like The Book Thief" -- which is not really a good thing. (Not that book, but the immediate "derivative" idea.) The good news is that you offset that pretty quickly with the teenage angle. I liked that.

The third paragraph is bleh. Maybe keep just the final sentence or some modified version of it?

I agree the language in the last paragraph shifted from the conversational tone you'd established. As a result, your voice isn't quite as strong and clear as it could be. I'm left not being sure exactly "who" death is going to be.

Thanks for that critique, EA! I hate first pages and never know when I've done them right or wrong, so getting that feedback was invaluable. I never noticed how odd the language in the last sounded before, but now that it's been pointed out, it is a little jarring. And the third paragraph is kinda boring...

Buffra, I read The Book Thief a week after completing my manuscript. I thought it sounded a little reminiscent too, but that ultimately, mine was different because it was YA from a teen's perspective. Glad to know you think the same. Thanks for your feedback :)

I think this has a lot of promise. Agree with everything already said.

Good luck!!
:-)

This is only my personal taste, so it might not matter, but I think the use of second person "you" makes the MC sound like he's trying to impress the reader and takes me out of the story quite a bit.

"...Some people call me the Grim Reaper. If you're one of those people, I'm probably not what you're expecting..."

I'm confused as to why Death would care what I "you" thought about him? Maybe that's the casual, conversational part EA was talking about?

I find it interesting that he has siblings and parents, though. :)

His tone seems rather flippant for someone who holds life/death in his hand, which is okay, but I couldn't settle in as a reader because I was unsure where we were going. Is one person's death going to be the focus? Are we going to care about that person, be invested in that person as a reader? Or is the plot going to focus on Death's relationships with his family? Or on the other Reapers?

The tone made it hard for me to connect with the MC, and it seemed inconsistent. The last paragraph especially seemed a very different tone than the rest.

I am intrigued by the idea of teen reapers, but I think I'd be more engaged if it started with action, not telling, and if you jumped straight to reapers. Because when you start with "death" it does feel very much (whether accurate or not) that it is inspired by The Book Thief. It quickly veers off in a different direction, but some might not get there. I might not have read past the first paragraph.

Rework to try to start from a more engaging scene and the concept might really shine.

great comments! I totally agree with all. Can't add anything new. But very interesting story.

The second person doesn't bother me.

But "impatiently" and "with reverence" do.

I think these are another case of "telling" rather than "showing." They seem more like how an omniscient narrator describes somebody else, rather than the way a first-person narrator describes himself.

Better to have your narrator's words and actions convey impatience and reverence.

This sounds interesting, but it might be stronger if you started out with something happening, rather than telling the reader straight-out that your mc is the grim reaper. Wouldn't it be interesting to find that out a different way? Like surprise the reader with the fact at the bottom of the first page? There's so much potential here, I'd hate to see you waste it!

The second person sounds like part of the voice. I liked it, but I think you have to be careful about overusing it because that can be annoying.

Can't decide whether this is more reminiscent of Reaper or Death Note. At this point, there have been so many non-Grim-Reaper reapers in pop culture (from the angel of death on Touched by an Angel to the psychopomps in Gunnerkrigg Court) that I'm not sure who still retains the "scythe and robe" imagery. Even the very standard-looking reaper on Family Guy talks like a college boy. I guess my only point is, don't presume to know what I presume. You sound very much like a teenager before you get around to telling me that you are one.

Love this concept! And I love the juxtaposition of the flippant tone with the reality of what he does.

I agree with Alps, though, that maybe you could start out with the character doing something, and then insert the explanation of who he is. Right now, the transition from explanation to action isn't working. (Which might be because of the tone of the last paragraph, though.)

"Repossessed" meets "The Book Thief." Intriguing.

Both the idea and the writing intrigued me. I am now ready to see him in action: how he interacts with his non-Bleak friends and his family (do they know they have death in the house?)

I really like the conversational opening. It was a jolt, but a good jolt, to learn that voice belonged to a teenager. In a character-driven story, it doesn't bother me at all to spend a moment gathering voice, character, sympathy, etc., before pressing on. I think you could risk losing reader sympathy if you just launched into frenetic action featuring this character taking a life. As your narrative stands now, we'll be deliciously squirmy with sympathy and dread and horror and pity as he begins his "work" (rather than merely horrified in an action sequence).

Question for EA: do you think that startling discoveries about a character (as illustrated in this sample)count as their own kind of action? Action in character rather than character in action (to paraphrase Robert Browning)?

Hey, thanks to everyone who's been commenting for your feedback. I find it all very useful, but I have to say, I am curious about the last anonymous' question. I tried starting this out with action and it didn't work, hence this opening. So, I wonder, is starting with action a must?

Yat-yee, his family don't have a clue that he's death. He's not allowed to breathe a word.

Me too.

LOVE it! Pitch perfect. Great job.


nitpick:

I don't like the sudden second-person "you," thrown in there.

Example: "...But then his nose exploded with a crunch, like smashing crusty ice with the heel of your shoe..."

Might want to consider just saying: heel of *a* shoe...? Or... like crusty ice smashing under the heel of a shoe...?

Or, ignore me all together, because this is really, really good. :)

I'm also hooked.

If you were in my critique group, after patting you on your back with a well-deserved "Nice job!" my feedback would be that this sounds feminine, in a few places, so be careful about that throughout your story.

For example---
--digging my nails into my palms
--it was so worth
--like smashing crusty ice with the heel of your shoe
--not really, and in a way

just my opinion that cutting these would give you a stronger male voice.

But, again, terrific job!!!
:-)

You know when you read something and you smile...wow!

The first paragraph hooked me completely. Very nice.

In the second paragraph I was a little curious how Pinscher's blood was dripping down "what was left of his shirt" after the first punch. The "first punch" line put me at the start of the fight, the shredded shirt made me wonder.

I liked the start of the third paragraph, it really shows us something about this kid. But I wasn't crazy about the me and not me bit. I couldn't really relate to that feeling. But that's just me.

And I agree with Chris - I have three boys and none of them would feel their nails in a balled fist. (To be honest, I wouldn't either).

Good luck, you're a talented writer and you have a great opening here.

Another wow here. That bit describing how he feels Dad and TJ in him, yet it's all him: powerful.

might want to have the blood dripping down his (insert whatever shows the kind of person Pinscher is... a concert shirt, a polo shirt, a white shirt?)

I like the line I wasn't me, not really, and in a way, I was more than me. I think it's a great way to show a lot about the character and his family.

Your writing is strong, and I think this will resonate with a wide array of male teens.

Great job!

~Lindsey S

Yep. This is the first in a while that I am REALLY curious about. Great job! What a cool feeling to realize that AE and we ALL know that you have something here.

Rock on!

Maybe "like ice on a puddle smashing under your shoe"? I thought it was a great image, but something about the exact wording was off.

Wow. What a great way to start the week.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to comment.

Now that I am down to the fine-tuning revisions on this manuscript, it really helps to get a sense of what is working and what could be improved, and most especially where the voice falters.

EA, thanks for offering First Pages, and extra special thanks for critiquing mine.

What a terrific experience and a great boost as I work on finishing up this latest revision.

Emily

This first page is absolutely disgusting and disturbing.

But I want to keep reading! :)

I get a real good feel for her and the family dynamics. Some of it is telling, but you do have a lot of show here as well.

Present tense does bring me up short when I first start reading it. I tend to like it better in short stories.

The setting confused me with the rooftop, the gate, the dining room. I was not able to visualize where she was as a continuous stream.

She's a little on the whiny side for me. Combining that with the present tense, I don't think I would continue reading, even though I think it's well written. Means you've done a good job of conveying her character in a small number of words.

Very nice voice and the whole page has an underlying beat to it that moves you forward as a reader. I like this quite a lot.

My thoughts (grain of salt, take it with.)

Like others, I'm confused about the unlocked gate/rooftop garden. Isn't she already inside the confines of her house/lot if she's on the roof? Why would she then be standing outside a gate to get in her house? It also implies that she's the one who has locked herself in/out to begin with, and why would she do that if she was only up there to watch the rain...?

I immediately love it that we're in Hong Kong. This changes everything. Any chance you can give us this clue earlier -- she likes to watch the rain on the Hong Kong rooftops? Unfortunately, I don't know where Everett is, can you add a state to that? Washington? Virginia? So we know where she's headed to?

I also don't know how old the character is. She says she hasn't looked like a beaker since she was in the third grade and her hair grew out, but we don't know how old she or her brother is now.

Also -- it took until the third grade for her hair to grow? I don't get it.

I was likewise confused by your first paragraph. It was hard for me to visualize this residence.

Gavin is really torn up about grandma, isn't he?

"I haven't looked like a Beaker since -" I would lose the "a" since you're talking about the muppet character, and I think there was only one Beaker. That's a funny visual, by the way. And I thought that was a clever way to get her description in.

I thought "Dad has to make a good impression" was an odd choice of words to convey the fact that dad can't go on the trip or he'll lose his job.

Just small things, but overall I liked this and would read on.

I like it that you're in Hong Kong, but sorry that you're taking the story back to the States so quickly, if that's what's happening. In a way, it would be just as good to start somewhere else in the story - such as arriving at the sick relative's hospital bed - and then flashing back to Hong Kong. Unless you are actually going to stick around HK for awhile before leaving... Anyway, I like the writing and the characters and the strained family dynamics.

Unlike a few other comments, I didn't mind that we're in an odd layout -- especially once I've figured out that we aren't in the US. But maybe the layout needs a bit more explanation to make it flow? I also don't mind that her age isn't immediately apparent, but I would like to know how old she is somewhere in the first FEW pages or at least the first chapter -- it's hard to picture her otherwise.

I'm kind of disliking her, though. Which says good things about how you're writing, I think. It may be because I'm not 12-14 (or whatever age she is...that's where I mentally put her) but I can't believe that her first thought on hearing her grandmother might be dying is 'Ooh, can we stay in the US all summer?!' It seems like, yeah, it's the kind of thing a kid would think...but maybe not first off. And maybe they wouldn't SAY it to their very upset parent. I could see Marcy and Gavin arguing about it later or something, though. (Maybe that's where the Beaker digression could go?)

Otherwise, I thought it had a good pace and told us a lot in a few words. It's ringing true, giving a good idea of the dynamics and characters, and is pretty vivid.

I don't mind the present tense. In fact, I think it gives it an immediacy that fits this story.

The beginning did bring up some questions but the answer came soon enough: we're in Hong Kong. So I am now thinking high rise buildings and unfamiliar living quarters and arrangements.

I've often wondered just how long a reader is willing to wait for answers. Obviously, as writers, we do want to create questions, the good kind, in our readers' minds so that they'll read on to find out. On the other hand, questions that are confusing can have the opposite effect of turning readers off.

This opening, for eg. made me wonder but I didn't feel like I had to wait too long for the question to be answered, so it works for me.

You've shown the protag well. We know how she feels about living in HK, we know how she feels about Gavin, (although I wish I had a sense as to whether Gav is younger or older, and while you're at it, how old she is) and that she's not oblivious to the feelings of others; her mother, in this case.

She is a character I am willing to follow along for a while, although I hope to see some of her good qualities soon.

And I hope she'll hang out in HK :)

This author clearly knows how to write. I liked it. Hate first person, though.

I like the first person POV. Writing in present allows the reader to be surprised with the character, which allows for nice unexpected twists.

I like the Beaker description. I think it should go elsewhere. I want a better sense of her age as well as Gavin's.

As for the strange lay out, with some minor edits, you can take the reader along for a better ride if you clarify the seting a bit more.

If there is something you can do to make the protag more sympathetic, even if they are self absorbed, I think that would be beneficial for your story.

It has a lot of good tension and opportunities for plot. I'm interested. :) Good job!

~Lindsey S

Thanks, everyone, for the wonderful comments and suggestions. I feel both encouraged and challenged, which I think is a good mix. :)

Not my choice of genre, so my interest level isn't a good critique point. The writing seems good.

I kept tripping over this:
Sadie stuck out her tongue at Josh
I would probably order the sentence a bit differently:
Sadie stuck her tongue out at Josh
No idea if we're talking right/wrong or regional preferences.

Step 1 seems really short. Not sure if there's more to this Princess book than what you've written, but if all five steps are this short, then the book sounds more like a pamphlet. But that's my POV. A child might not care.

Perhaps if your beginning scene gives the reader insight into *why* Sadie wants to be a princess, it would also help establish an emotional connection...
I like this idea though!

I liked the scene about the moat, but did not like her picturing her parents mad. I think she wants to reach her goal, and perhaps the only thing stopping her from having a moat would be the hose locked up in the garage. Her parents getting mad, well, not a big deal to a kid on a mission. She'll endure a time-out to get to be an honest-to-goodness princess.

The "warning" about not turning the page seems like the "There's a Monster at the End of This Book." with Grover?

With Grover, you didn't want to skip ahead and be "scared" of a monster, but had the surprise of finding out it was only him, and you didn't have to be scared (if I'm remembering correctly). So I'm curious as to why the "Warning?" Does it mean more at the end?

I do love the title.

This is mine. Thanks for the comments and feedback.

Now that you've said it, EA, I, too, now fear that there isn't an emotional core. Ack!

There are 5 steps - the last being that a princess doesn't need all the fancy stuff like a castle, a tiara, etc. - she just should try to be a kind person. (Which she ultimately does by being nice to her brother and ignoring his teasing.) But now as I'm typing that it sounds a little didactic. A lot didactic.

Back to revising. Thanks for posting and commenting, EA! You're the best!

I'm guessing that the exchange with the brother was to set up the idea that Sadie knows she can be a princess even though her brother thinks she's too little? Defying the scorn of an older sibling is a theme that will be hard to do in a way that's fresh. Also, I'm not really feeling this scene.

"You're too little" doesn't ring true as his reason that she couldn't be a princess, since kids know that a princess is a princess from the day she's born. More likely he'd mock her for not understanding that you can't just decide to become a princess.

I agree five steps seems like not enough to fill a book. If there's room in this story for a magical element, maybe the five steps could come from a mysterious letter that arrives addressed to Sadie? Or maybe she could somehow find a letter or leaflet -- maybe it could fall out of a library book.

Unlike Sadie, I can't imagine digging a moat around a room. Would that involve digging around the edge of the floor? A moat around the house I could understand.

I like it that in the end, a princess is someone who's kind. Don't know how you'd make it less didactic, but I like the idea. :) Maybe because I am likely to be the only woman who doesn't like princess books and intentionally drives her daughter towards interests other than those having to do with being a princess or a fairy.

I agree with Anonymous (above) that the "too little" seems like a silly reason that one couldn't be a princess. I also think that bit with her brother either needs taken out or enhanced so that it gives more of an insight into WHY it's there in the first place.

The idea is cute and I like picturing her trying to follow each step. But EA is right, too, that there has to be more to it than that for someone to *care* about her achieving her goal.

I wonder if you might be able to give it more of an emotiional core by making the next door neighbor a slightly older girl who considers herself a princess, but is nasty to Sadie?

I think I'd like the idea better if all five steps were moat/tiara type requirements, and Sadie got to the last impossible step and realized she was only going to get to be a princess by acting like one: kind, generous, thoughtful, and so on. And I'd like to see that lesson addressed as she tried every one of the moat/tiara requirements. Let her figure it out herself.

The title reminded me of "Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days," which, iirc, is awesome.

I agree with 150's comment. Empower Sadie to figure out what makes a true princess. Show her struggle with acting like one.

I also agree with previous commenters about Josh's reason for picking on her.

I think you could turn this into something once you strike the emotional core.

~Lindsey S

Rewrite -- Amen to that!

Awww, EA...getting all mushy and stuff...

Um, are you okay?

Thanks, EA! These first page critiques have been very instructive. Thanks so much for taking the time to do them!

Thanks, EA!!!

Your critique was excellent and helped me do a major overhaul of my ms... and the anonymati in the comments were more helpful than they likely know.

I have to say, too, if we're open to it, we learn as much from critiquing others as we do from applying crits to our own work - at least, I do.

Thanks for taking all the time with this blog. We really appreciate it.

Thank you for the gift of these critiques!!!!!

It can be hard watching your baby get bruised, but it's worth it when he goes from tottering uncertainly to walking with confidence! (for an overwrought metaphor! =) )

I LOVE this blog. You are insightful and blunt which is what a true critique needs to be. Why waste time beating around the bush with worthless wasteful words.

"It is the willingness and bility rewrite well that makes you Real Writers."

I need to frame that sucker and hang it above my desk ;)

So much for evil! That's more soft & squishy.

The Evil will return!

I'm nervous and excited about seeing mine, but it won't be until about....oh, maybe next Christmas. In the meantime, I'm really appreciating all the work you're doing -- and all the comments of everyone else too. And I'm thinking, "gosh, I still have SO MUCH to do!"

Thank you so much for doing this for us! It's a terrific learning experience. I love how you provide your comments organically, almost as you're reading along and this is what comes to mind the moment your read a sentence or a passage. It's very, very helpful.

"almost as if you're reading along and this is what comes to mind the moment you read a sentence or passage"

ALMOST as if?

LOL. That IS what I'm doing.

Frankness is so under-rated. Everyone who wants to improve on anything, needs to hear frank responses from people who know what they're talking about.

Thanks for taking time out of your slush pile to help us out.

I wish more people would comment though. The nature of feedback is the writer is only going to incorporate it if it makes sense the them, so the more comments the better, imo.

I'm trying to comment on all of them, so when my turn comes up -- probably by next year at this rate -- I'll at least feel like I've earned my critiques. If there are 93 first pages waiting, why are there only 5 or 6 people commenting? The rest of you have nothing to say? Really? Hmmm... surely you can think of something... :)

Anon,

I missed the last two because I was a little busy when they went up... BUUUUT, speaking for myself, I try not to comment when I can't add to the conversation. There've been a number of times when I got to a piece that everything I'd have critted on had already been pointed out by EA and various other comments.

So there's that... but on the whole, I agree with you. I think if you participate in a group crit situation, you have to expect to give back at least as much as you'd like to receive.

Merry --

I agree that it's usually better, when commenting on a blog, not to repeat what's already been said. But I've done a couple of "me, too" posts on these Evil First Pages. For me, it's useful to see whether many people react the same way to something I wrote.

-- Different Anon.

On another topic -- Good thing it's the rewriting that counts. My first drafts suck.

-- Same Anon as Different Anon

This is by far my favorite writer's resource on the internet at the moment. So, thanks so much for doing them!

Thank you, EA! I love the blog.

A question -- and this seems possibly the best place for it -- if I have submitted to the first pages clinic, but am already thinking of ways to improve my first page (based on your critique of others' work), is it way too much trouble for me to send a revised version? Or would that be OK?

Thanks.

If you want to submit a revision, I don't mind deleting your original, as long as you make the subject line of your email REVISION--DELETE PREVIOUS SUBMISSION!
Because I don't even open those emails until I'm ready to respond.
Be advised, if you send in a revision, you will lose your place in line.

I like the idea of finally finding a friend who's like a second puzzle piece, then having to leave her behind.

I wonder, though: in today's digital world, is it such a hardship to have a long-distance friendship, what with e-mail, texting, Facebook/MySpace, etc etc etc? Unless this is set in the past (in which case you need to establish that right away), I think you need to acknowledge this in some way, otherwise you might not sound current.

This brought back fond memories for me. I went to a summer music camp every year until my sophomore year of high school, and my best camp friend and I sent each other letters for years. We eventually lost track of each in high school, but somehow ended up at the same small liberal arts college, even though we lived in different states! He's now married and living in NJ, and I'm living in the South, but we keep in touch.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. However, my point is, I think this is a subject many kids (and adults) can relate to. And even with the technology of today, emails and IMs just aren't the same as seeing your friend face to face. Best of luck with your novel!

Oh, also meant to say that I love the title :)

I think you should start with "The woman..." and make her sound less robotic. You have a good concept going and probably need to tighten things up a bit.

Keep going!

I'll be brave enough to post as myself.

Thanks, EA, for your comments.

The condensed opening is my attempt to follow the advice of not wasting a single word. Now that I know it gives the impression of being morse code, I'll have to tweak it. I'll also take care of the elongated neck and shrimp form. Be gone, rocky bits!

And yes, the story does take place in South East Asia, not Thailand but its neighbor, Malaysia.

Ash, Anon, and Anon: thanks for your suggestions and kind words. BTW, the title is EA's. I may just have to use it now, unless she has a copyright on it or something. :)

I love stories about friendships like this and there is a lot to like here. The MC voice is enthusiastic and fresh and I already like her.

Some nitpicks.(take it with a grain of salt!)

I don't think you need this line:

"...Now that I'm finally at camp, I find out we're not sharing a room..."

--The reader already knows she isn't sharing a room because of the opening lines.

The whole last paragraph seems like overkill. Like the reader is being beaten over the head with just how much Edie loves this friend. The details are all fine on their own, but when they are all added together it starts to read as being overwrought. I like the picture of the "late-night, talk about everything sessions" but wouldn't that be something she'd recall later on, after her first day, when she's stuck with her new roommate and comparing her to her friend? Not all of it has to be expressed so early.

It seems like Edie's first instinct would be to go to orientation and find her friend, complain about the situation, not cradle her throbbing head in her hands?

Also, for someone being so crushed, I'm not sure she'd be reasoning with herself so quickly: "... Oh, I know I'll see her around, but it isn't the same..." It's too big of a shift of gears. Could this be something you could bring out in dialogue -- the girls meeting up at orientation and trying to make the best of the situation: "We can still talk before practice--" "Yeah, but it won't be the same, you're all the way over in the percussions..."

Thank you, Anon, for your thoughtful suggestions. Interestingly enough, after I posted my first page here, I continued to obsess over it and have made the very changes you mentioned: cutting out the line "...now that I'm here..." and the passage that begins with "Oh I know..."

Thanks again. I love friendship stories too and I remember how overwhelmingly important my friends were to me in my youth.

I kinda like the 'shrimp form' description. More evocative than just 'curled up,' or the more distressing 'fetal position.' Maybe, as you said, just needs to be tweaked a bit.

Fetal position is rather distressing, isn't it? Conjures up all sorts of depressing feelings. Thanks for your comment.

Even this short piece gives a focused view of the main character and some of her appealing originality.

I'll agree with the other comments that there are some rough spots, but I'd keep reading to see where it was going and what the two of them would get up to.

Eep! Now I know why I've been relieved every time my submission ISN'T the one! =)

Thanks for the critique, EA-- is this better? Or too boring?

“Hey Ben,” Rob called. “Look over here! It’s an echo chamber.”

Mrs. Erikson groaned and tapped her foot. “Its time to leave, boys. If we stay any longer, we’ll get stuck in rush hour.”

“Come on, Mom. Let us try it, just once. It’ll only take a minute.” Rob smiled. “And I’ll do the dishes without complaining tonight!”

“Please, Mrs. Erikson?” Ben added. “It’s my first time here. I want to try everything!”

Mrs. Erikson pulled out her phone and checked the time. “All right. You boys have two minutes. But we’ll have to run to catch up with the others – so no dawdling on the way back to the bus.”

Ben and Rob ran to the chamber. They stood on separate ends. “Hello, Ben!” Rob called.
“Hello, Rob!” Ben grinned as he shouted. He tried yelling a little louder. “Hello, Chicago!” His words bounced off the chamber’s smooth walls. The floor tilted and dipped. “What the heck?” Ben whispered.

The ceiling groaned and buckled as it rushed towards him. Ben closed his eyes and threw himself on the floor, bracing for the impact. I don’t want to die, he thought, too scared to breathe. Please, God, don’t let me die!


Ben opened his eyes. Darkness pressed against him. He tried to reach out into the space in front of him, but he couldn’t lift his arms. He tried to wiggle his toes, to roll over. He realized that he couldn’t move at all. He felt his chest tighten.
He gasped for air. Was he trapped?

“Help,” he yelled. “Help me! I’m over here!” Everything started shaking again. Something slid off his face. White light stabbed his unready eyes. He squeezed them shut and yelled again.

He felt the world lurch wildly from side to side, like a ship in a storm. In the distance, he heard a buzzing sound. He thought he heard footsteps and voices.

Ben opened his eyes again, slowly this time, so they could adjust to the light. The first thing he saw was a machine. It was covered in dials and buttons and threaded through with strange tubes. A rainbow of wires cascaded from the top of the machine, then ran along the wall and through a hole in the ceiling. Some of the wires and tubes looked like they’d been yanked loose.

One tube hung limply, pouring red liquid onto the floor. Is that blood? Ben thought. My blood? He’d never seen so much blood before. It made a shiny red lake that spread quickly across floor. Why was it spilling everywhere? Why didn’t anyone come and make it stop?

The room slowed down, until it was hardly moving at all. Then the people in blue came swarming through the door. They shouted to one another. One put a cuff around Ben’s arm, another examined his eyes. A large group of them gathered around the machine, poking and prodding it. Ben tried to understand what they were saying, but their voices buzzed together like a cloud of gnats.

Nurses! Ben thought woozily. Those must be nurses! I’m in the hospital. His throat felt dry and scratchy. He glanced at the machine. He must be hurt pretty bad.

“Where are my parents?” Ben rasped. “Are they okay? Am I okay?” The room trembled again. An Aftershock! Ben thought. That thing at the museum – it must have been an earthquake.

“Hush now,” said a nurse, putting her hand over his mouth. “Dr. Miller will explain it all when he gets back. But right now you have to stay very still and very quiet. You’re still weak from the surgery.”
Surgery? I’ve had surgery? Ben opened his mouth to ask more questions, but the nurse shook her head. She turned a few dials on the machine and hit a quick succession of buttons. Ben felt weak. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

It's definitely not boring, but it's still a bit confusing, at least to me.

I guess when I read MG, I'm expecting a close 3rd POV and here you keep your characters at a distance. If you ground us in one head, and show us what is happening from that perspective, I think this would be more compelling. This is just my personal taste though, I could be totally wrong.

Here's what I think is going on: He's in an echo chamber, and then the ceiling collapses on top of him after the floor tilts. I'm imagining an earthquake, I'm wondering what stopped the ceiling from crushing him. The chamber is empty, right?

Then Ben opens his eyes. There's no indication that he was knocked out or that any time has passed, but suddenly he's in a hospital. And I didn't get that until the end, when you said he was in a hospital. I thought he was still in the museum.

And the hospital is shaking, too. Aftershock? The machine is a little confusing. Is he hooked up to it? At first I thought the machine was making things shake. But I read a lot of fantasy.

You get kind of distant from your main character in the last bit. You describe the things happening, but not his reaction. People in blue rush in and start tending to him. "He must be hurt pretty bad" doesn't quite convey the panic he must be feeling.

Also, he was last with his friend. Why does he wake up asking about his parents? I would think he'd say, "Where's Rob?"

I was near San Francisco during the Loma Prieta earthquake, so I consider myself an expert on earthquakes (not really, just joshing). The aftershocks you are describing don't ring true to me. I don't think they come so close together and so frequently. Unless these are supernatural quakes, which they may be.

Anyway, I like the action here, and it sounds like an exciting story, the kind my boys eat up. I'd read more to find out what was causing the shaking. Good luck with it!

Deirdre:

I like the new version much better. It's now clear what's going on from the very beginning, and as a reader, I'm already concerned about the other chidren on the field trip, Rob's mother, and other visitors to the museum.

However, I'm still a bit confused by the hospital scene. Why is there a lake of blood on the floor? This seems unrealistic to me because if there's that much blood on the floor and it belongs to Ben, it seems to me he'd have lost too much blood to be conscious and talking. Also, would there be blood on the floor at a hospital? Wouldn't the EMS people have patched him up in some way? Once at the hospital, wouldn't they have the bleeding contained somehow so that it's not pooling on the floor? Some sort of catching devise, sucking tube, or something (I very obviously have no medical experience!).

It's definitely exciting so far. Good luck!

Deirde,

Your new version is better. I think your dialogue could do with a stronger voice. You also used quite a few exclamation points.

It seems like you're really into your hospital scene, but I don't think it's realistic or provides a good visual for your reader. I think in trying to create the drama and paint a vivid picture, you've lost the focus and your reader. Unless that is absolutely crucial to your story, I think that part needs the axe.

Otherwise, I think you should probably make some hospital visits and do some research so you can make that scene come alive better. That bit is still confusing.

However, starting with action and introducing us to your characters is a good hook.

Also, it seems like Ben was with a friend and his mom at the museum, so it confuses me as the reader as to why he's worried about his parents. There seems to be a gap there.

Good luck and keep going! :)

Just a note-- it's not ACTUALLY a hospital-- Ben just thinks it is initially, because "hospital" is the thing it's closest to in his experience. (This story is intended as scifi)

So then, would it be better if Ben never thinks "hospital!" to begin with? Does the initial mistake lead the reader too far down the garden path?

Thanks for all the advice. Obviously my first page needs a TON of work.....

Deirdre:

Hmm. Maybe you can still call it a "hospital" but show us through Ben's eyes that something's not quite right about it.

Best of luck!

I like "boy" books a lot so this is of great interest to me, and you are a brave soul for letting others see your work. I like the character names and their sense of adventure. I actually don't have a sense of where they are, at all. At first I thought they were at a museum with one of their mothers, but then they have to hurry and catch a bus with the others. Who are the others? Is this a class trip? If so, mention it. I also don't think any boy in his right mind would offer to do dishes. Take out the trash, maybe? The dialogue seems like it's too much. If they're on a class trip and the mom is one of the adult supervisors, she'd have other kids to keep track of, she'd be preoccupied, there wouldn't be time for all that back and forth banter.

Per the revised version--

If he isn't in the hospital, you might want to consider reworking his thoughts so the reader isn't so lost.

Something like, *It looked like a hospital, but something told me it wasn't. I was in a bed, there were machines, but I'd been to a hospital, when my Uncle X broke his femur, but *this* place didn't smell like antiseptic or have the same white walls... (you get the idea)*

Also, you might want to reconsider a lot of the exclamation points. I counted twelve -- most MS don't have twelve in their entirety. Once you become aware of them it's easy to leave them out. It's especially distracting here: "...Nurses! Ben thought woozily. Those must be nurses!.."

If he's groggy, the exclamation points --denoting yelling or extreme excitement -- don't fit. You can take virutually all of them out of the beginning dialogue, too.

I think, too, some of it can just be cut and you still get the point of it with less words. The "...Ben opened his eyes..." paragraph can be easily condensed and have a better impact: Ben tried to move his arms. Couldn't. Tried to move his feet. Couldn't. He was trapped. (the way it originally reads he's decribing endlessly all the ways he can't move and then he's saying. "Was he trapped?" Uh, yeah, he is, why is he still wondering if he is?

Ok... Here's another rewrite... But with all the additions at the front, my first page is no longer a first PAGE... so, with the new cut, the first page is:

Ben and Rob hung back from the rest of the group. Their teacher’s heels clacked quickly across the tiled floor. “I can’t believe it’s already four o’clock,” Ben muttered. “We hardly got to see anything.”

Rob narrowed his eyes and grinned. Uh-oh, Ben thought. He’s coming up with one of his ideas.

“They take attendance on the busses, right?” Rob asked. Ben nodded. He had a feeling he knew what was coming next. “So they can’t leave without us.” Rob concluded. “She won’t notice we’re gone for a few minutes. Let’s go see something else.” Rob dashed into another exhibit.

Ben glanced at the rest of his class, following Mrs. Eriksson and the other chaperones like ducklings. I shouldn’t follow Rob, he told himself. I’ll get in trouble if I do. He turned and looked towards Rob, waiting just inside the doorway to “The Wonders of Your Senses.” But I’ve never been to this museum before. And I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to come back again. He turned to follow his friend. After all, what could they do to him? They might take away recess for a few days or something, but it was worth the risk.

The boys wandered through the displays on vision, pushing buttons and playing with cameras. They wrinkled their noses at the odors in the World of Smell. Loud music blasted their ears as they entered the Hall of Hearing.

“Look, Ben,” Rob said. “An echo chamber. Let’s try it out.”
Ben walked to the far end of the chamber and turned to face Rob. He noticed a blur of blue over Rob’s shoulder, coming closer. He squinted, for a moment, trying to make out the shape. It was Mrs. Eriksson, and Ben didn’t think he’d ever seen her so angry.

“Rob, look behind you!” Ben’s words bounced off the chamber’s smooth walls. The floor tilted and dipped. “What the heck?” Ben whispered. The ceiling groaned and buckled as it rushed towards him. Ben closed his eyes and threw himself on the floor, bracing for the impact. "I don’t want to die," he thought, too scared to breathe. "Please God, don’t let me die!"

So all the science-fictiony hospital stuff isn't even ON the first page anymore... but follows below:

Ben opened his eyes. Darkness pressed against him. He tried to reach out into the space in front of him, but he couldn’t lift his arms. He tried to wiggle his toes, to roll over. He realized that he couldn’t move at all. He felt his chest tighten.

He gasped for air. He didn’t remember the roof actually hitting him. How long had he been like this? “Help,” he yelled. “Help me! I’m over here!”

Everything started shaking again. Something slid off his face. White light stabbed his unready eyes. He squeezed them shut and yelled again. The felt the world lurch wildly from side to side, like a ship in a storm. In the distance, he heard a buzzing sound. He thought he heard footsteps and voices.

Ben opened his eyes again, slowly this time, so they could adjust to the light. The first thing he saw was a machine. It was covered in dials and buttons and threaded through with strange tubes. A rainbow of wires cascaded from the top of the machine, then ran along the wall and through a hole in the ceiling. Some of the wires and tubes looked like they’d been yanked loose.

One tube hung limply, pouring red liquid onto the floor. Is that blood? Ben thought. My blood? He’d never seen so much blood before. It made a shiny red lake that spread quickly across floor. Why was it spilling everywhere? Why didn’t anyone come and make it stop?

The room slowed down, until it was hardly moving at all. Then the people in blue came swarming through the door. They shouted to one another. One put a cuff around Ben’s arm, another examined his eyes. A large group of them gathered around the machine, poking and prodding it. Ben tried to understand what they were saying, but their voices buzzed together like a cloud of gnats.

Nurses? Ben thought woozily. Those must be nurses. Was this a hospital? His throat felt dry and scratchy. He glanced at the machine. He didn’t remember seeing anything like that when he visited grandma. He must be hurt pretty bad. “Where are Ron and Mrs. Eriksson?” Ben rasped. “Are they okay? Am I okay?” The room trembled again. An aftershock! Ben thought. That thing at the museum – it must have been an earthquake.

“Hush now,” said a nurse, putting her hand over his mouth. “Dr. Miller will explain it all when he gets back. But right now you have to stay very still and very quiet. You’re still weak from the surgery.”

Surgery? I’ve had surgery? Ben opened his mouth to ask more questions, but the nurse shook her head. She turned a few dials on the machine and hit a quick succession of buttons. Ben felt weak. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.


--Thanks again, everyone, for your comments!

'Just a note-- it's not ACTUALLY a hospital-- Ben just thinks it is initially, because "hospital" is the thing it's closest to in his experience. (This story is intended as scifi)

So then, would it be better if Ben never thinks "hospital!" to begin with? Does the initial mistake lead the reader too far down the garden path?'



Seeing as this is only the first page, I wouldn't worry about this sort of minor confusion -- yet. It's perfectly natural for Ben to make assumptions and draw comparisons based on his own experience. Confusion done well can be intriguing, but done poorly it becomes frustrating instead. It's a fine line, and IMO it's something that's very difficult to judge effectively within a small sample like this. Short as it is, though, I think your rewrite is definitely moving you in the right direction.

I think your rewrites are good, helping to establish the action and character without losing the reader. I'll admit that the first try lost me a bit, but the later attempts held my interest.

I like the addition of having the boys wandering off and getting into trouble -- it rings more true to kids on a field trip (a mother isn't going to give extra time) AND it tells us something about Ben's character.

I like it! Abby's character seems very likeable and like someone my pre-schoolers could relate to.

If the solution to the problem is as great as its beginning, I'd definitly pick it up/ give it as a gift!

Yayy! Another first page!

Author: Great beginning and end of your excerpt! I love the rock pile in the bedroom. I also like the scene with the child and the rock at the playground a lot.

You lose me in the traveling scenes; the parts where the child is moving from house to school, etc. The transitions aren't smooth enough, in my opinion.

Overall, a fun piece, though!

I really liked this... again, I don't write picture books, so I've got very little in the way of critique help... but my son found a rock when he was four that he named Sham Rock - I kid you not, and it's odd this story would pop up around St. Patrick's day...

He called him Shammy. Drew a face on him, made him a bed. Later, when he started kindergarten, he drew a backpack on the back side of the rock and brought him for show and tell.

My son's six now. Shammy still sits on his nightstand. It's the one thing that never gets lost - if you ever saw his room you'd know how impressive that statement is.

That was a huge digression, but at least you know there are four to six year olds out there that could get into a story about a girl and her rock.

Good luck with it!

Kudos!!! Very, very nice!!
:-)

(Can you give us a peek at the ending?)

This is nice.

I love Abby's slight defiance; and I am so happy that you made your protag a girl.

And the language is great and heartfelt.

Reminds me a bit of a younger Scout (my favorite book character of all time).

:)

Thanks EA. These critiques are so helpful.

Intriguing story, simple and engaging voice: congrats.

This is mine. Thanks for all the nice comments everyone (and for your encouraging critique, EA). It makes me feel like I don't suck. And the that's very important. EA, all these first page critiques are so wonderful and informative. Thank you for your generosity.

And, Merry, I don't know why, but kids love rocks. When I put this through my critique group, at least four members commented on how they find "stray" rocks all over their house. My husband collected rocks long after he was a little boy.

I had a pet rock. Made her clothes and a house and everything.

Nothing constructive to say, just thanks for the memories. :)

I really like it so far! It seems like it's going to be an adorable sort of book. And Abby is definitely a child, not an adult looking back on childhood. :)

I hope this gets published, Anon! Wishing you luck!

Rocks following a kid home is a nice, original premise. I definitely want to know what she's going to do about it. And I agree with EA's cuts -- the storytelling is just a little loose for a picture book, and the dialogue just a little too naturalistic.

The sequence of events at the end is seeming unlikely to me. The rocks follow Abby home, and then somehow get past her to arrive before her, and she doesn't notice them? She hears the rumble, but doesn't look around to see what's causing it?

Piling all the rocks seems like a big job, and big jobs are interesting to young children. Maybe you could make this more exciting, by playing up how long it takes, how heavy the big ones are, how much room the pile takes up, etc.

Maybe this is just a matter of taste -- but I'd like Abby to have a name that's not one of the most popular little-kid names right now. "Abby" kind of dates the story. And a less-common name can signal that the protagonist is somebody special and interesting.

This is maybe a matter of taste, too -- I think the totally, pointlessly unsympathetic parent is a little bit boring and overdone. Obviously, I don't know whether it's necessary to your plot that Mom be that way.

There are some really nice, specific and interesting bits in here -- the opening, the way she plays with the rock, Abby's decision to keep all the rocks.

I loved this first page and I wanted to see more! I hope it gets published someday soon. :)

Very cute. Like your critique group parents, I was finding rocks in my house all the time. Then I read a story to my kids called Everybody Needs A Rock. Emphasis on "A rock" as in, ONE. It didn't help.

Good luck with this!

From the first page, this is one that I'd buy for my small friends. I love the idea of her playing with the rock on the playground and am curious what happens when the other rocks follow her home.

1. The Calder Game
3. The Invention of Hugo Cabret
4. The Book Thief
7. Abhorsen (?)

I believe number 5 is MTA's Lederhosen book.

Because the art no matter how small it appears here is still very recognizable.

I hope I am right. :)

5. is the Clue of the Linoleum Lederhosen, indeed. ;)

4. is not The Book Thief, but another Thief.
7. is not Abhorsen, but another in the series.

Whoops! What I meant to say:

4. The Thief Lord

Lirael!

I was right. :)))))

Is #6 The Light Princess?

Yeah, that's the Disreputable Dog!

Lirael is correct.
How did you guess the Light Princess?!

Because of the "ess" and the "Mac."

Is it right?

I think I see Blood Meridian by McCarthy (fifth from the right)...

Yes, Light Princess.

No, Blood Meridian.

#9 is Opie and Wells, Wee Willie Winkie (My Very First Mother Goose).

11. Stellaluna?

I think the third from the right (I lost count from the left) is Ella Enchanted. I was thrown off because that's not the edition I own.

Not Ella Enchanted.
Sorry

EA is just loving this! lol

Interesting premise. Worth more of a look once this gets tweaked.

Not sure why you mention channeling Nancy Drew (who didn't really exist) and then drop it for receiving an e-mail from a ghost.

Some of the sentence structures confused me as far as timeline is concerned. Like the part of before you met Ava or read her e-mail. This left me wondering if meeting Ava just happened and also had me assuming you read the e-mail already. But the next few sentences dispel both of those conclusions. Putting the two thoughts into one sentence has me thinking they're connected in time like you met her and got an e-mail from her around the same timeframe.

And yes, alcoholics do drink wine coolers.

Thanks for sharing this!

Just off the top of my head...

I have a problem with the "wine cooler" part at the end. To me it seems like an odd thing to bring up -- she's gotten an email from her dead friend and she's stopping to explain (in detail) why she's sucking down a wine cooler? I'm not sure I believe that.

Also, I don't know if you need the whole 9 year-old who doesn't like Nancy Drew opening. It's not really about her liking/disliking an old childhood book, but about... Holy Crap! My dead friend is emailing me!

Maybe she should open the email before she decides it's actually from the ghost of her best friend? Seems like she wouldn't jump to that conclusion so quickly -- seems like she'd open it first. Maybe blame it on another friend, at first, and then finally realize it's real?

(Hard to say when I haven't read the rest, take my thoughts with a grain of salt. Good luck!)

I liked the tone of the voice. Some of the things, as pointed out by EA and Sarah were a bit confusing... and I think it might work better if you opened up with some sort of action, maybe the character opening the email instead of telling us about getting the email.

That was the other thing, I think she said that Ava disappeared, but then it sounded like she hadn't opened the email, and then she said it was an email from a ghost. The first thing I wondered is, how does she know Ava is dead? Maybe the email says she's dead, but I don't think even a teenager would suspend disbelief enough to believe it's really an email from a ghost rather than a real person messing with her.

I'd love to see what you do with this on rewrite, because it sounds like a really interesting premise. Good luck.

I agree with a lot of the comments that have already been posted, but I had one more...

While Nancy Drew as a lead in might draw in a lot of grown women in contemporary US, I would bet it will turn off a lot of teens. Nancy Drew is pretty much synonymous with out-dated and old-fashioned, and while I get mocking her might appeal to some teens, many more will see the name and close the book.

If this were chick-lit for adults or women's fiction, the lead in would be fine. But for contemporary teens? I have concerns it will turn off potential readers - even if mocking her - because she is just such a non-entity to many modern women and girls under 18. Ev en the mocking of her feels to me like an adult writing a teen than an actual teen.

But the concept is good, so good luck.

I remember this from Miss Snark's First Victim Secret Agent contest. I really liked that entry, obviously, because I remembered it. You trimmed this down significantly and got to the contents of the email quicker, which was a good move. The email itself is very hook-y. Especially the "They'll hurt you," bit. Very spooky.

It's funny that what EA suggests - backing up and focusing on the surprise, is kind of what you did with the Secret Agent entry. Good instincts!

Emily,

I'm not so sure the Nancy Drew reference is that outdated - they just did a Nancy Drew movie for teens a few years ago with the girl who was on Unfabulous (which is pretty popular with middle schoolers). And I noticed when the movie was out that old Nancy Drew books were displayed more prominently at the book store... I know this because my mom bought my daughter a set :-) (She read one chapter and never touched the rest of them, but still :-)

But, on the writing end of things, I don't know that it's the best place for the character to start the story, either.

The issue I had with the opening line is quirky and nit-picky, none-the-less . . . Nancy is traditionally portrayed as somewhere between a red-head and a strawberry blonde. Simply describing her as a "perky blonde" makes me think you aren't really familiar with your topic. The fact that your character might make such an error because she doesn't give two cents about Nancy is irrelevant so early in a story. As a reader, I'm still evaluating the writer . . . I haven't had time to get lost in the plot or to begin believing in the narrator's world view.

I'd have thought the narrator's first reaction would be to assume the email was spam. I get spam from myself all the time! So if an email arrived from someone I knew was dead, my first reaction would probably be fury at the spammers still faking their address.

Merry,

Yeah, we saw the movie, and some kids seem to know it existed, especially in the tween and below set, but of the girls I know ages 10-16, none of them wanted anything to do with it.

The avid teen readers I know would likely put down a book they thought had anything to do with Nancy Drew. So, it's a risk. And maybe those girls who were 8-11 year olds when the movie was out and did like it would now be more receptive.

And, as always, I could be totally off on this point, but I think it still has the potential to turn off more readers than pull in from modern teens.

Maybe, if you MUST start with the "I never liked" you could do the more generic "I never liked mystery novels?"

Less dated, more broad?

Though, given that it's an email from a ghost, I'd be more inclined to start with "I never liked Horror stories."

I know I'm going to get killed for this, but I'm still stuck on the wine cooler. I don't think YA books should be alcohol-free, by any means, but it does seem to be a pretty early and (to me) gratuitous mention of it, especially considering how she goes into detail about what she's drinking and how it feels going down. I don't know her well enough yet to know what role drinking plays in her life, and it may well be important to the rest of your story, but if it isn't I personally don't think it should be used as just simple character action for a teenager...I think in YA books drinking and sex and all the "edginess" need to be used very intentionally. IMHO.

I actually don't like the alcohol bit, either. I'm fine with alcohol in YA novels; teenagers do tend to drink, after all. My problem is that it doesn't seem realistic here. The first bit about the stolen wine cooler in hand is fine. The rest is overkill.

Thanks for all the comments! This is a very early version of our first 250 words and it has changed significantly through our many rounds of edits.

If you're interested in taking a look at the updated version, please click here: http://lisa-laura.blogspot.com/2009/02/first-250-words-of-gmail.html

Thanks for reading and commenting on our work!
L&L

I like the changes made and the version on your blog. The hook of the story is still there, but more of the glitches are gone and it reads more smoothly. Nice.

I don't write picture books, so I'm probably dead useless for crit on this but I really liked the flow of the sentences, and the image of the dog chasing away the storm at the end... it sounds like something that my kids would've liked at the read along stage, especially with some really great illustrations.

Feel free to ignore this question -- I haven't had much success myself writing PB -- but is there enough text here for a standard 32 page book?

With nine lines, even if all the pages are a double page spread (that's probably not the correct word, but you get my meaning) there would still only be 18 pages, wouldn't there?

I liked that the dog was afraid of thunder, too. I think that would make a child feel like he/she's not the only one afraid.

anon 5:36,

I don't know for sure, but I was kind of assuming she'd/he'd sent a small excerpt and not the entire ms. It doesn't feel finished at the end, and it was a first page crit, so maybe they thought the entire thing would be too much.

Gotcha, Merry, makes sense!

Thanks and hugs Ed Anon!

This is the first page only.
It is for older readers.
The "morning thunder" was added after a consult by an editor. She wanted the "evening thunder" echoed in the beginning.

My dog used to run outside and bark at thunderstorms. Until one day a storm barked back.

I think this would be a really nice read. I love the dog barking at the storm.

Buffy -

Did your dog get struck by lightning or something? :(