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the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the día de mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
The homage of a bare tree.

"Esa, it's almost midnight. We're opening presents already. You gotta come out o' the kitchen."
"What'd your friends from work give you?"
"They pitched in and got me that ... quesadilla thing."
"What--they couldn't find a comál? Well, at least you got a white elephant for next year. Did they like the subscriptions to Chola Chichis?"
"Nah, they already subscribe. They said they'd pass it along. Speaking of white elephants, your mom wants to clean up Rinó--, I mean the Krismas tree--and needs that vacuum she gave you."
"She's just checkin' I didn't garage-sale it. Quick! Get it out of the attic and scratch off the fifty-cent tag. Come back when you're done."

"Ho, ho, ho, Esa!"
"Oh! I thought it was Santa come early. You sound just like him."
"Ho, ho, ... holy shit, what happened in here?"
"The pinche fridge went out, as if we didn't have enough bills. I'm trying to save the food, find a place outside for the frozen, clean the mess up."
"But it's Krismas! Forget it. I say we just eat--everything."
"Including my mom's chile?"
"I'll serve it to Pepe and Real Butch."
"I got a better idea. This Krismas, you work the kitchen, and I'll serve. I keep checking on you and let you know what's happening."
"But I wouldn't know what to do!"
"You watch the girls at that preppie tequila place and the chichi bar, right?"
"A little."
"As little as my nalgas. Do like them, just with more clothes on."
"Okay, I guess I could handle it."
"See you after midnight."
"Oh good, Esa--you're back. What was that crashing sound? Did Santa come?"
"No, your boracho Tío knocked over Rinócero."
"Already? Tell him to get the cuña'os' older kids to stand it up."
"Bueno ... Oh, it's okay. Real Butch put it up."
"I told you she was."
"Guess what? I got one thing I really wanted this year, besides mis uñas done. Pepito took a shower!"
"I knew there was something different 'bout that boy. I thought it was the cologne you loaned him."
"That wasn't cologne. I gave him the stuff you cover up dog pee with."
"But we don't have a dog."
"Not so loud! ... No amá, we don't have a cat, either. ... My mom says she thinks there's some animal hiding in Rinócero."
"Tell her it's probably just some rata chata."
"I gotta go; sounds like mom's vacuum's plugged up."
"So what, it doesn't suck?"
"Ese, you'll be glad to hear it wasn't un ratón, just una ardilla. And your kids finally showed up."
"My kids?"
"Yeah, you remember: the little pork butts?"
"Oh, them. How they look?"
"Daughter's fine, but your son brought one of those magazine cholas as his date. He claims she even cooks."
"How's she dressed?"
"Don't worry, she must have the day off. But we have another problem. Your daughter says somebody was naughty and already opened our presents."
"How could she tell?"
"From the lousy taping job and the beer stink. See? You shoulda let me do it."
Ring! Ring!
"I'll get it. ... Hello? … It's your mom. She wants to know if the photo's really of you. She says it makes you look real short."
"Tell her that's the way Chicanos mostly come. It's her fault for marrying my dad. If she wanted tall, she shoulda picked a gringo."
"� She says it was abuela's idea, 'cause your dad drove that chido Chevy."
"It was a Ford, and it always needed a valve job."
"I'll check on you later."
"But, Amor--"
"What was that music a while ago?"
"The doorbell."
"Nice. We should play it more often."
"Not likely; for that our gente would have to get out of their cars."
"Quién fue?"
"Old man Ramirez came to tell us the roof lights got loose and said to give you a big dedazo. So here."
"You don't have to be tan, tan ... demonstrative."
"You been reading different magazines?"
"Yeah, Playboy. And, who was honkin' so much?"
"The priest. I served him some fideo. He wants to know if he can give your seat away."
"Tell him Allah said I can go next Easter…. He say anything else?"
"Yeah, he lied and said the tree was painted real nice."
"Speaking of mentirosos, I haven't seen any of the cuña'os' older kids."
"They're out back in the work shed, smoking mota."
"Well, at least they'll have an appetite for all this food. Oh, and who's making those awful sounds?"
"Everybody! They're singing the 12 Days of Krismas."
"After this year, I think we should make up some new lyrics for it."
"There you go again, always thinkin'... Now, hurry up, or you'll miss everything."
"Híjole, that was some Krismas party, Ese!"
"So I heard. You'll be glad to hear your lottery numbers didn't come up."
"You got any other pieces of good news?"
"Uno más: here's your special present, de mí."
"Lousy tape job. Who opened it?"
"I did. Forgot who it was for."
"Oh, Cariño, just what I always wanted--for the past four years! I didn't know they still made 'em."
"I 'membered, Esa; I was thinkin'.
"You always are, Cariño. Maybe your unlucky dry spell is over."
"After everybody's asleep, wanna go lie under Rinócero and make some stars?"
"No, the pipes came loose, and we'd just get rust all over us. But we could thank our lucky stars: nobody got into chingasos today, there was plenty of comida, and we got to spend some quality time with our familia."
"Seguro que sí, Cariña. You know, I think it was even . . . a Merry Krismas!"
ALL TOGETHER NOW, from the top:

On the doce días de mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
12 numbers numbing ...
11 peppers pepping ...
10 Fords a-beepin ...
9 chicas prancing ...
8 shades a-looming ...
7 bods a-lying ...
6 misas' crying ...
5 bronzen things ...
4 thawing stars ...
3 grinchy friends ...
2 mortal loves ...
And the homage of a bare tree.
© Rudy Ch. Garcia

Since this is an ongoing work of love, more than a work of art, the author would appreciate overall comments about its progress. How close to, or far from, capturing the spirit of a Chicano Christmas do you think it is?

In any event, I'd like to add to my fellow Bloguistas' Christmas felicitaciones. May your holidays be as benignly eventful as Esa and Ese's.

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the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 2nd día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
2 mortal loves ...

"The presents are all wrapped, tamales are done, frijoles are cookin', we made enough dulces y pan to make chingos of dentistas very rich, and everything else is on its way. Cabrón! I think we're ready."
"Where is everybody?"
"All the cuña'os are down the street throwing snowballs at the burros."
"Qué bueno! You know, the peace sign came out pretty suave. We even got compliments from los vecinos."
"Yeah, that was a good idea, better than your alien elves one."
"How many Krismases will this be?"
"Counting this one, two thousand seven."
"No, that we been together, Esa."
"I don't know, I don't remember."
"That's my line."
"Okay, it's been a lot of Krismases."
" 'Member the one when the kids were little?"
"They were always little, 'til they got big. Which one you mean?"
"When they figured out there was no Santa."
"There isn't?"
"I used to call them 'my little pork butts'. 'Member the year the boy learned to read, saw it on a grocery sign and read it to the girl. They went bien locos!"
"Yeah, that was cute. After that Krismas, they always wanted to help make tamales and open presents early."
"How come they didn't help this year?"
"They moved out, remember? But they'll be here later tonight."
"Oh, yeah, ... moved out."
"I want to open your present while everybody's gone."
"Nah, you gotta wait. Santa's list, 'member?"
"But you peeked at yours!"
"Moi? What makes you think that?"
"The mugre job you did taping it up again."
"But I couldn't wait, mi amor!"
"Neither can I. What's say we check 'em out, rewrap 'em, and act surprised when we open 'em up later?"
"Doesn't that count as naughty? Won't Santa get p-o'd?"
"After all my time en la cocina, I deserve naughty, and I don't know no vato Santa. Quick--I'll get the tape."
"I'll get some cervezas and wait for you ... maybe."

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 4th día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
4 thawing stars ...

"Hand me the staple gun, Esa. And don't drop it again, or it's you who goes down the ladder this time."
"Why didn't we do this when it was warm?"
"We had to go shopping, remember?--12 times."
"I still think it's late to be putting up lights. Especially on the roof, in this wind."
"Think of it as your contribution to neighborhood Krismas spirit."
"But los vecinos never like your Krismas lights messages. Remember four years ago? 'Bush vale ver_ _!' didn't earn you a lot o' gifts."
"It's the thought that counts."
"Some advance thought would have counted more this year, like when it was warm. What're we spelling this time? Will we have to sell the house and move?"
"You're gonna love it."
"That what you said five years ago. 'Remember the Alamo, fondly' got us death threats."
"So sometimes I'm not so good."
"Yeah, that's what the priest says."
"Good we got the torch 'cause some pinche lights got loose and froze to the shingles. It would look like we're throwing a finger 'stead of givin' the peace sign."
"A peace sign? You going soft in the coco or something."
"Maybe, but only 'cause of when you vetoed my 'Estoy de luto porque ganó el bruto!' "
"Until lately, not everyone mourned El Bushy winning. Besides, we woulda had to buy un montón de lights."
"Anyway, this year I decided to go easy on 'em."
"But válgame los dioses, a peace sign? You almost sound like Santa."
"Ho, ho, hope you don't think it's gonna last."
"Nope--just 'til Tuesday."

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 6th día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
6 misas' crying ...

"Vas conmigo a la misa?"
"You know I hate goin' to church. It's always so somber."
"It wouldn't kill ya to go the rest of these days. You only went once this year. Real Catholics are supposed to go more.".
"Nah, I'm thinking of converting, like maybe to Muslim, or Druid."
"Por qué?"
"Because maybe they let you have more no-shows than the Church."
"Bobo, that's not how you're supposed to decide."
"What--I'm supposed to decide rationally?"
"Course not. It's a matter of faith."
"But I got no faith."
"That's why you need to go, Ese--to find some."
"But, I do have a different kind o' faith."
"Like what?"
"I got faith that ... that ..."
"See what I mean?"
"I got faith that this is gonna be a great Krismas!"
"We got bills coming out the yin-yang, I got pressured into making 12 dozen tamales, your sobrino Pepito's stinkin' up the curtains and Rinócero's shedding like a Persian-gone-leper. Tell me what's so great."
"I wish you wouldn't call him that."
"Rinócero, Rinócero, Rinócero."
"No, I meant my sobrino. His name's Pepe."
"Pepito, Pepe--una rosa by any other name would smell as Pepito. So what about mass?"
"I'm thinkin'."
"Tell you what I'm thinkin'. I'm thinking you'd better go pray Pepito and Rinócero don't wind up out in the alley."
"So, what time's that mass start?"
"It starts right after you sweep up after Rinócero."
"I wish you wouldn't--."
"Rinó--."

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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the Spanglich version
Posted each day beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 7th día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
7 bods a-lying ...

"You didn't tell me your cuña'os were coming over for Krismas."
"I forgot."
"You forgot seven extra mouths to feed? I gotta make an extra pot of everything just for them!"
"Ah, but everything you make is so sabroso, mi amante."
"What we'll need is loaves and fishes, sabroso or not. And they're probably gonna wanna stay over the week, too. Where we gonna put 'em? Oh, I know. There's probably enuf room in Rinócero, your new Krismas tree."
"I thought you liked the tree?"
"I'll put up with Rinócero, but do I like it? Yo creo que no."
"Do you have to call it that?"
"Rinócero, Rinócero, Rinócero."
"That's not even the proper term for rhinoceros."
"I guess I'm not feeling very proper…. So, where are they gonna sleep?"
"How 'bout my new workshed?"
"The one that doesn't have any lights or heat? What're they gonna use at night, the chimenea?"
"That's not a bad idea. ... On second thought, chale, it wouldn't work. They'd just come in smellin' like a campfire."
"That'd be an improvement for your sobrino Pepito, the reborn hippie."
"He's just going thru a stage."
"Es cierto--the stage of a ripe 21."
"I never complain about your cuña'os."
"That's 'cause they bathe."
"There's an idea! Why don't we have them put 'em up?"
"Cuña'os with the cuña'os? Huh... Cariño, now you're using your cabeza."
"Exactly why you married me, que no, Esa?"

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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the Spanglich version
Posted each day, beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black.)

On the 8th día 'til mis Krismas My true love gave to me, 8 shades a-looming ...
"Hijo de su--. Qué es eso?
"Es mi Krismas tree."
"A tree is something in a forest. That's un monstruo off a graffiti wall. Where'd you get it?"
"It was a blue-light special. 10 foot for only 19.99. And I got there just in time. La vieja Ramirez was looking at it."
"Baboso, they saw you coming. And why's it all painted like that?"
"You know those leftover cans o' paint we had out back? I sprayed it--with all of 'em."
"No shit."
"I think it looks suave."
"You thought a pink house would look suave. Now they call us the locos en la casa jota."
"They're just jealous."
"How'd you get it in here, anyway?"
"It came in pieces."
"Then why don't you take it out in pieces? But, use the back door."
"I don't think I can, Esa. I tried unhooking it, but the pipes are all stuck. Too much rust, I guess."
"That ain't all that's rusted. What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking it would make our living room muy Krismasy."
"Krismasy, chismasy.... I don't know… maybe it's not that bad."
"See? It grows on you."
"Just so it don't grow nada más."
"You wanna help me decorate it?"
"I'm 5 foot, remember? It'd take two of me to reach the top."
"Nah, it's pretty strong. I think if you get in the middle there and climb up, I could hand you the stuff."
"Always thinking, huh, Cariño?"
"That's why you married me, qué no?
"No, it was your Ford. I thought I'd look bien chula cruisin' in it."
"And you do, Esa, you always do."

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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the Spanglich version
Posted each day, beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 9th día 'til mis Krismas My true love gave to me, 9 chicas prancing ...

Slam!
"So what happened?"
"Qué chingaus! You wouldn't believe how p-o'd your people can get."
Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!
"See what I mean?"
"Know what I figured out while you were gone, Cariño?--that you're getting me perfume for Krismas."
"What gives you that idea, Esa?"
"Your clothes stink like you laid on the Chanel counter at cómo-se-llama's."
"I haven't been near the mall. It must be--"
"Must be what? Dioses mios, not that! You go to that chichi bar, again?"
"But, mi corazón--"
"You've got your body parts mixed up, Ese. Why do you even go there?"
"The boys, you know."
"You boys should staple your money to your wallets and stick broken glass in your chones."
"But, Amor, it's just a little entertainment."
"Naked sinverbuënzas with big plastic ones ain't entertainment. Plus, you can't afford it, Sonso. You're no yuppie."
"Okay, I promise ..."
"Promise what?"
"... to only have lascivious thoughts about you, mi osita preciosa."
"Now I think I'm being insulted. And at this time of the year, to boot!"
"That's not what I meant, estrellita mia."
"I'll show you some stars if you come home smelling like that, again."
"Como tu dices, mi angelita, como siempre."

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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the Spanglich version
Posted each day, beginning Dec. 15th

(Esa's voice in red; Ese's voice in black)

On the 10th día 'til mis Krismas
My true love gave to me,
10 Fords a-beepin ...

"Get that!"
"It's not for us."
"How can you tell?"
"It's the wrong kind of horn, Esa. It's a Ford."
"None of our amigos have Fords?"
"Our friends aren't real smart, but they're not pendejos."
"What if it's the chotas?"
"In the barrio, the cops don't come a-honkin', they come a-shootin'."
"Right. But what if it is for us?"
"Then you get it."
"Listen, now there's two of 'em. Are they both Fords?"
"Simón, but one's got a bad rod."
"How come you can tell so much from how a car sounds?"
"They tracked me into auto mechanics, remember?"
"But you flunked out."
"Yeah, but I was always paying attention."
"I swear there's 4 or 5 of 'em honking now."
"Six, exactly. And two need valve jobs."
"They're probably checking out the Ramirez's Santa with 8 tiny burros. I told that vieja it would just cause trouble."
"Don't worry. The Migra'll probably get word and round up the burros, too."
"And I suppose they're still all Fords?"
"Not really, Esa. Two are pinche rice burners. Which reminds me, what we gonna have for Krismas?
"Tamales, frijoles, and fideo. The usual."
"Yeah, the usual--what we had Sunday."
"Oh, and maybe some chile."
"Just so it's yours, not your ma--"
"Don't start."
"There must be ten honkers out there now. How come your people ain't smart enough to get out of a car or use a doorbell?"
"I don't know. Why don't you go put a stop to it and show 'em?"
"Esa, I think I will."
Slam!

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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Intro

Okay, it's a day late, but since there has yet to appear an overwhelming opposition to this more-or-less annual La Bloga tradition, I will again post the dreaded Spanglich version of "Doce días de mis Krismas", in as many days.

In deference to regular La Bloga contributors, each short installment will be posted below their assigned daily post, so if you for whatever silly reason, wish to keep following the breathtaking momentum of this comedic attempt at capturing the Chicano Krismas spirit, you'll only be able to partake of them after checking out the regular post. As always, let us know how these move you, even if it's in the direction of repulsion. To play catch-up, below we begin with the first two installments.
RudyG

On the 12th día 'til mis Krismas,
My true love gave to me,
12 numbers numbing ...

"Cariño!"
"What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Cariño. Why do you ask?"
" 'Cause it's always something when you call me that."
"Not this time, Cariño."
"Oh, okay."
"By the way ..."
"Qué ching--"
""... Cariño, you did remember to get my numbers, qué no?
"Tus num--"
"My lotto numbers--my 2 winning tickets. Today's the drawing, and I need that 50 mill. I gotta get presents, get mis uñas done and there's that bingo tomorrow. I'm just feeling lucky."
"Numbers--"
"You must not be feeling lucky 'cause it sounds like you forgot! Uh, bobo?"
"What happened to cariño?"
"Same chingada that's gonna happen to you if my numbers come up!"
"But Cariña, I--"
"And if you forgot, Ese, you get nada de lucky from this cariña--that will be tus Krismas."
"But, but--"

On the 11th día 'til mis Krismas,
My true love gave to me,
11 peppers pepping ...

"Honey, Esa ..."
"Ahora, qué quieres?"
"I want you mi corazón."
"Did you stop at that preppie tequila bar, otra vez?"
"No, mi muñeca magnifica."
"Then why you calling me those names?"
"Because of my infinite adoration for you."
"Did you eat?"
"Amor, I didn't have--"
"That's what I thought. There's frijoles you can microwave, and there's still that chile mi 'amá brought over."
"Still?"
"You speaking ill of my mom's cooking?"
"Nunca, mi flor encantada, it's just that--"
"Just that you're a huevón when it comes to eating real chile, huh?"
"Perhaps you'd consider whipping--"
"You, maybe?"
"No, mi estrellita lindísima, I just thought--"
"You just thought you could come in late bien pedo and sweet-talk me?"
"I thought you might find it in your heart--"
"This heart's tired from cleaning up after your marrano friends' poker game last night."
"But I thought you agreed--"
"I tell you what I agree. I agree I won't tell your macho friends what an aguitado you are about chile and you ..."
"Anything you say, mi mariposa mas luminosa que ..."

© Rudy Ch. Garcia

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