Sort Blog Posts

Sort Posts by:

  • in
    from   

Suggest a Blog

Enter a Blog's Feed URL below and click Submit:

Most Commented Posts

In the past 7 days

Recent Posts

(tagged with 'About Me')

Recent Comments

Recently Viewed

JacketFlap Sponsors

Spread the word about books.
Put this Widget on your blog!
  • Powered by JacketFlap.com

Are you a book Publisher?
Learn about Widgets now!

Advertise on JacketFlap

MyJacketFlap Blogs

  • Login or Register for free to create your own customized page of blog posts from your favorite blogs. You can also add blogs by clicking the "Add to MyJacketFlap" links next to the blog name in each post.

Blog Posts by Tag

In the past 7 days

Blog Posts by Date

Click days in this calendar to see posts by day or month
new posts in all blogs
Viewing: Blog Posts Tagged with: About Me, Most Recent at Top [Help]
Results 26 - 41 of 41
26. I'm Famous! (Sort Of)

Today I am famous, at least in the kidlit world. Learn more than you ever really wanted to know about me at my Seven Imp. interview. Thanks to Jules and Eisha for letting me have my say. It was great fun.

6 Comments on I'm Famous! (Sort Of), last added: 12/5/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
27. What’s Irresistible?

Ten Nine Things I Find Irresistible  

Jody Mace recently posted about things she finds irresistible on her great blog (http://www.jodymace.com/news/).  She put out a call to bloggers to do the same. Because I’m drawing a blank on blog material I took her up on it.

1. Coffee in the morning. I’m a coffee freak–and the day isn’t started without the smell of coffee. When I am curled up on the couch, laptop warming my lap, and my hands curled around a hot, steaming cup of brew–that is how mornings are supposed to start. My children are trained to make and retrieve coffee. They learned the skill of getting coffee just after potty training.

2. Being barefoot: I kick off my shoes the minute I walk in the door.  I hate wearing shoes.  I love the free, breezy feeling of my feet unencumbered. My husband has no sympathy when I stub my toes–he is an obsessive shoe wearer and hates being barefoot.

3. Buying shoes.  Seems counterproductive considering my previous entry, but just because I hate wearing them doesn’t mean I hate buying them.  I love buying shoes, especially boots.  Boots are the bomb!

4. Interpreting the thoughts of our animals.  This is actually a family obsession.  We all talk for our animals–a lot.  Each of our animals has a distinctive voice.  Our cat believes he is the king of the whole world.  He talks in a deep, rich, royal voice and commands us to do his “bidding”.  Our Jack Russell Terrier talks in a higher pitched voice and she calls everybody, “sucker”.  (I don’t know why she’s allowed.  My kids would actually get in trouble if they used the same word about others).  Anyway, every animal has a voice and personality and we sort of, kind of, channel their spirits. :)  (The one common thread is that our animals all call us “humans”).

5. Watching UFC.  It’s true, I’m an ultimate fighting fan.  I buy every UFC pay-per-view and we all go so nuts watching the fights that our dog starts barking at us.  Uh-huh.  In my defense I actually train at mixed martial arts, and that’s why I’m so interested in this sport. 

6. Running google searches on myself.  I like to know what’s going on with my books and this is the best to find news.  I’m really not a narcissist.  (I don’t think….am I? Narcissists usually don’t recognize the trait do they?)

7.  Charity bells.  I can’t resist them.  If somebody is ringing the bell and I don’t put money in the bucket I feel like a dirt bag.  I actually get mad if I don’t have cash to put in–and I’ll get some as I checkout at the store to put in on the way out.  My dog would say I’m a sucker…but it’s an easy way to help others.

8. Procrastinating.  I can’t resist putting off everything until the last possible moment.  No amount of organization self help books/articles help me. I tried fly-lady and procrastinated every single schedule she had me on (and resented her making me wear shoes).  I even procrastinated signing off her list and had fly lady emails piling up in my email for months after I had totally ditched the whole routine! I don’t know why I’m like this.  It’s a serious character flaw–especially for an author! (I don’t miss deadlines though).

9. Going to bed with a clean kitchen–I hate getting up to a dirty kitchen. I’m not a tidy or organized person.  This is the one cleaning routine I’m a little OCD about.

And just for Jody I’m ending my list right there.

The next giveaway is on Friday, Dec. 7th!  Two more giveaways with movies and books!

Karma

Add a Comment
28. All I Want for Christmas/Chanukah



Right on Hank! Less stuff more love. No packaging or waste. No pollution.
Okay, I do have a wish list of books at Amazon though.

Add a Comment
29. Off to Play the Lottery!

My mother always told me that good or bad, things come in threes. Well, in the last two days I have been VERY lucky. Take a look at what I've won!
Yes, that's right. This lovely sock monkey fairy, made with love by HipWriterMama, is on her way to Richmond to bring me "good writing juju!" Thanks, Vivian! I won her in the Shout Out for All the Wonderful Authors Out There contest. The idea was to think of an author's name (living or dead) and then create a name and cool personality of a character based on the author's name. Here's my entry.
Let me introduce Silver Stein, a feisty 13-year old girl with a talent for cartooning, spoonerisms and waxing rhapsodic. She is a dreamer who isn't discouraged by Whatifs. She and her friend Ursula sell homemade books (written and illustrated by Silver, published by Ursula) in the summer instead of lemonade. Someday they're both going to make it big.
Can you believe it? I was the lucky ducky grand prize winner in Elaine's (Wild Rose Reader) drawing for a limited edition Robert’s Snow giclee print signed by Grace Lin! Elaine generously provided six prizes that went to randomly selected folks who left comments at any one of her posts about a Robert’s Snow artist. Thanks, Elaine!

I'm not one to ignore the cosmic alignment of my lucky stars, so the odds be damned, I'm off to buy a lottery ticket!

3 Comments on Off to Play the Lottery!, last added: 11/26/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
30. Down Day

So let me just clarify that I am not down,  or blue, or sad. No, it is a "Down Day" because I have no deadlines or places to rush to. Today my parents are coming to visit. That means that I should be cleaning house.  But since they are my parents, they will understand when they arrive and have to wade through the dog hair puppies. Therefore I am coming to post on my blog, check in with the numerous wonderful friends I have on LJ, catch up on Brotherhood 2.0, and order new illustration promotional postcards for the Fall Folio Feast and my fall mailing. I am in the waiting room on so many things but I'll try to list them here:
Illustrated Activity to Highlights High Five
Written story to Highlights High Five
Non-fiction query and board book to agent
Numerous picture book manuscripts to various publishers.
Illustration samples to Boyd's Mills and an Educational publisher with local author.
Conference work:
8 spaces left for the Fall Folio Feast- sign up now!
Reviewing over 65 (WOW 65!) workshop proposals for NESCBWI meeting next Friday. (Hmmm... maybe that's what I should be doing instead of cleaning my house. Isn't that conveeeenient.)
Here is the postcard. You get it first!

Add a Comment
31. If You Want to Know More About Me....

If you want to know more about me...then head on over to 7-Imp. Jules and Eisha interviewed me and thought my interview was interesting enough to post. I still feel like I won the lottery -- I mean, they featured me in their incredible blog! And I'll tell you a secret...I'd date and marry their blog in a second. It's that awesome. Thank you, Jules and Eisha!

9 Comments on If You Want to Know More About Me...., last added: 9/21/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
32. Answers to Trudy's Questions

This morning over at 7-Imp's 7 Kicks, the featured author is Trudy White. In sharing images from her newest work, Could You? Would You?, Trudy suggested the inclusion of some of the questions from her book. If you answer them the fine hosts at 7-Imp will enter your name into a drawing for a free copy of said book.

Hey, any chance for a free book, especially one that looks this great, and I'm in. Here are my answers to the 5 questions.
How would someone find you in a crowd?
I've been a singer since I was kid, so I have a powerful set of lungs. I'm not above shouting out someone's name or singing a silly song for attention. I'm also not shy about standing on ledges or statutes in order to be seen.

If your house had a secret room, what would be in there?
Oh please, like you even need to ask. It would have one wall of windows, floor to ceiling, with window seats and cupboards. Between the windows and on every other wall would be bookcases, also floor to ceiling. It would have a library ladder, a mission oak library table, a chaise lounge, a sofa, a chess table, and a large floor globe. The shelves would be filled with books, and magically, each year they would fill with the best new titles.

Where do you like to walk from your house?
I live close to a beautiful college campus. On days when I need to walk, I head right for the lake at UR and the path around it.

How will you change as you grow up?
As I get older I get more claustrophobic (is that possible?), more philosophical, less worried about what others think, and generally much happier on a day-to-day basis. In the future I would like to stress less and share more.

What sort of animal would you like to be?
I am currently so sleep deprived that being a sloth and sleeping 20 hours a day looks mighty appealing. Honestly, I haven't been this tired since William was born!
So, will you play? Answer these questions on your blog and leave a note for the ladies at 7-Imp and let them know you're in.

3 Comments on Answers to Trudy's Questions, last added: 9/19/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
33. Another List Poem

Since this week's stretch was a list poem, and since I've been writing to do lists and thinking this way in recent days, here's another list poem. I think it's much better than my last.
She
She talks to herself while washing the dishes.
     And thinks we don't hear her.
She laughs at my jokes.
She talks loudly in church.
     Even when she means to whisper.
She likes to gossip.
     And gets all the good dirt.
She take time to write notes.
     And puts newspaper clippings inside.
She forgets what she's saying mid-sentence.
     And she laughs at herself.
She gives the greatest hugs.
She used to be tall.
     But now she's shrinking.
She came to see me defend my dissertation.
     And smiled through it all.
She bakes the best Christmas cookies.
     And sends them in a care package every year.
She tells the greatest stories.
She keeps a photo of her mother and me on her dresser.
She secretly sends money.
     And tells me to spend it on myself.
She is fond of odd phrases and sayings.
If she read this she'd say
     "Who is She? The cat's mother?"
She is my mom.
Lots of folks are playing this week. Do you want to join them? Post your creation(s) on your blog and then leave a link in the comments. A bit later this week, I'll link them all here.

3 Comments on Another List Poem, last added: 9/1/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
34. Letter to My Mom

In a few short days I'll be celebrating another birthday. These have always been low-key affairs in my life, largely because I hate parties. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I love to be center of attention, but my birthday is not one of those occasions.

My parents threw me a birthday party just before I entered first grade. It was a miserable experience, so I made my family promise never to have one again. They made good on their promise. In the years that followed, my birthday was happily spent back-to-school shopping and lunching with my Mom. Sometimes we ate dinner out, and other times we just did something simple at home. These days were pure heaven.

When I became a teenager we still kept to this tradition, though my outlook on the day changed. As an adopted child, my birthday became a private celebration of family. I found myself spending a great deal of time reflecting on the amazing people who took me in and made me their own. I often felt that my birthday should be about celebrating their gift to me, though I never told them this. I still feel this way today, and each year try to find some way to tell them all how amazing they are.

When I was home a few weeks ago, my mother called me Fredericka, something she does when she thinks I'm acting like my Dad. It happens quite often, actually. She said, "Not one of you kids are anything like me. You're all like your father." I've thought about this a lot since then, and know without a doubt that she is wrong. I am like her in ways she'll never know.

In response to her statement, I have decided that this year I will celebrate my Mom. Since she will be in the hospital having surgery on my day, I want to share my thoughts a bit early.

Dear Mom,
You say I'm nothing like you,
but no words are
farther from the truth.
Because of you I know the
meaning of love,
the tenderness of a kiss,
and the joy of a hug.
From you I've learned
the gift of forgiveness,
the value of charity,
and the meaning of faith.
Because of your example
I am
generous in spirit,
kind of heart,
and accepting of others.
Like you I am quick with a smile,
fond of laughter,
and a friend to all I meet.
I share your love of children,
but wish I had your patience.
I know you see Dad in me,
but you're there too.
You may not see it,
but I hope others do,
for I see you
in the best parts of me.
Love,
Tricia

3 Comments on Letter to My Mom, last added: 8/28/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
35. Thirteen Things about vacation

1. The Adirondacks were beautiful. So many lakes and mountains and we had great weather. Favorite places. The Wild Center in Tupper Lake, (don't miss the otters) as well as the Blue Jay camp ground there. My kids are just starting to be independent and campgrounds are a great place for that.
2. Lake George was over-developed, commercial, and quite tacky. That was a little disappointing, but if you're looking for temporary tattoos or Simpson's t-shirts, you've come to the right place.
3. Favorite moment, taking the kids white water rafting. E was scared through the first rapid and then laughed out loud on the next ones.  I love watching them grow and experience new things.
4. New York State campgrounds were all clean and beautiful. The Sacandega River Campground was my favorite.
5. Family reunions mean family. Lot's of it. Also, reunions mean lot's of food. I'm sure I've gained weight. I have to teach aerobics tomorrow and wonder if I'm going to be able to get through the hour.
6.  I'm really glad that my children are out of diapers and sleep through the night.
7. Let sleeping children sleep, let playing children play. It is so easy to overschedule a vacation. Relax and do nothing sometimes.
8. We visited the Wyoming County Fair in Pike, NY. The same agricultural fair that my husband showed cows at during his youth. Nothing has changed. I could tell he really enjoyed sharing that bit of his childhood with the kids.
9. Driving 12 hours in one day stinks.
10. Disappointing your child by not stopping in hotel when your hubby wants to drive all the way stinks too. Especially when they cry.
11. If you are a kiddo, ending up at Grandpa's where there is a heated pool makes the long drive and no hotel a moot point. But not until you've had some sleep.
12. Having Grandpa tape the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance, made the drive okay for me.
13. Coming home to 140 emails, a pile of laundry, and fuzzy stuff in your frig is just part of the trip.

Add a Comment
36. Champagne Taste

My mother always told me I had champagne taste on a beer budget. This is still pretty much true today, but instead of buying for myself, I spend all my extra pennies on William or on gifts for others. Don't get me wrong, I love this gift giving thing. My Christmas shopping is already half done. (Insert delighted smile here.) When I see something that is just perfect for a friend or family member, I buy it right then and there. The only problem is remembering what I have when the holidays roll around. I'll admit that it's getting harder keeping things under wraps these days. I seem to find reasons to give the gifts, even though I keep promising myself I will hold onto them until the appointed day. However, there is no greater satisfaction than seeing a loved one's face when they receive a gift they truly love. For me, it's not about how much money I spend, but how much time I spend thinking about that perfect gift, because really, there is great pleasure in that knowing smile that says, "You know me so well."

I have dear friend with a birthday coming up and I am purchasing a purse for her made from a book. It's absolutely perfect for her. Here's where the title kicks in. While I rarely make purchases for myself, I'm so besotted by these two beauties I may just splurge. Check out the Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice bags. Someone please buy them first and save me from myself! You can find more of these book bags at Rebound Designs, where Caitlin has taken the gifting of books to a whole new level.

4 Comments on Champagne Taste, last added: 7/3/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
37. Memed Again! - The 5 Things Meme

I got tagged last week by LiteracyTeacher at Mentor Texts & More. Since I'm in procrastination mode, here goes.

Five Things I Was Doing Ten Years Ago
(I barely remember what I was doing last week, so this might be a stretch!)
  1. Entering the world of grown-up responsibilities by buying a house and taking on a mortgage.
  2. Playing second base and batting first on an awesome coed softball team.
  3. Learning HTML and embarking on the world of WebQuest construction with my preservice teachers.
  4. Repairing my own computer (a Mac, of course)
  5. Working with our chemistry department on the use of technology to improve students’ abilities to visualize and understand chemistry concepts.
Five Snacks I Enjoy
  1. Chips, Chips, Chips (Lots of salt, no flavors)
  2. Cashews
  3. Dried apricots
  4. Olives
  5. Cheese and crackers
Five Songs I Know All the Lyrics To
(This could be 50 and there wouldn't be enough room to list them all!)
  1. Somewhere Over the Rainbow
  2. The Coast Guard Hymn
  3. 50 Nifty United States (Yes, I've been able to sing the states in alphabetical order since 5th grade!)
  4. Embraceable You
  5. Goodnight Saigon
Five Things I Would Do If I Were A Millionaire
  1. Fly to see my family as often as I want or am needed.
  2. Send all my nieces and nephews to college without student loans.
  3. Start my own school, a lot like this one, right here at UR. (However, I would be a teacher, not an administrator.)
  4. Travel extensively with William so he can learn about the world through more than just books.
  5. Keep working, because I love what I do.
Five Bad Habits
  1. Drinking milk from the gallon when no one is looking.
  2. Procrastinating (duh!).
  3. Loud music--in the car, the kitchen, my headphones, you name it.
I'll let you know when I come up with 4 and 5!

Five Things I Like To Do
  1. Teach
  2. Cook
  3. Read
  4. Play games (Chess, Go, Risk, Cribbage, Pente, etc.)
  5. Listen to music
Five Things I Would Never Wear Again
  1. Braces, a retainer and headgear
  2. A poncho
  3. A uniform
  4. Clogs
  5. A bikini
Five Favorite Toys
  1. iPod
  2. MacBook Pro
  3. Six burner gas cooktop and two ovens, baby! (In stainless, of course)
  4. Lewis chess set
  5. BOOKS, BOOKS, BOOKS! (Can books be toys?)

1 Comments on Memed Again! - The 5 Things Meme, last added: 6/29/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
38. Answering the Memes

While I was in China I got tagged for a number of memes. I had a few choice words for these folks back then, largely because I'm a sap and can't let a tag go unanswered. I'm finally getting down to it, so here are my responses to the memes. I will not, however, be tagging anyone to keep these going, as most folks have already answered.

Meme 1: Eight Things Meme
MotherReader tagged me for this one. Each player lists eight facts/habits about themselves. Hmmmmm . . . how much to reveal? That is the question!
  1. I HATE having my picture taken. Case in point, my China pictures. Unless required to pose, you will not find many pictures of me. I'd rather be behind the camera.

  2. On a good day I can put Monk to shame. I have been known to get up from reading a book to adjust a pillow that is not "sitting right," straighten a stack of magazines, or fix anything else that is slightly askew. My brother's favorite form of torture when we were kids was to come in my room and move things slightly. Yes, I noticed the minute I walked in!

  3. I love flowers, especially daisies, tulips and wildflowers. However, in the 17 years I've known my husband, I've received flowers only once--the day I defended my dissertation--and I happen to know his mother bought them! For years I dropped hints about wanting them every so often, but I finally gave up. Now, whenever I see flowers that are too lovely to pass up, I buy them for myself. No more standing on ceremony for me. Life's too short.

  4. When I was in college I sang the National Anthem for the Hartford Whalers. Sadly, they no longer exist, and neither does that 20-something voice. (In any case, it's really a horrible song to sing.)

  5. Chips or chocolate? It's a toss up for me. I suppose this is why I like chocolate covered pretzels, with both the salty and sweet thing going on.

  6. I am a great cook and I love to try new recipes. However, I have a husband who eats NO VEGETABLES. Since I love to cook Moroccan, Lebanese, Greek and Italian, this is a huge problem. I have taken to calling my best friend and reading her the recipes I want to try, but know I won't be able to make! To satisfy my need to make great food, I often make two or three separate meals several days a week.

  7. I was born in Rochester, NY in 1965 to a young woman (teenager) who had been sent by her family to a home for "wayward" girls. I know nothing about her other than that she was from New England. I was adopted one week later by my absolutely amazing parents.

  8. Before my son was born, I went skydiving (more than 20 jumps), bungee jumping, whitewater rafting, rappelling and more. I got my motorcycle license on a Ninja 900. Since William came along, life is much more tame. I did, however, get a tattoo while in China. (Hey, I'd had a hep A shot, so why not?) The Chinese characters for faith, hope and love now adorn my backside. Ask me nicely and I may let you see it.
Meme 2: Summer Goals Meme
Mentor Texts and More tagged me for this one, which asks for 10-15 professional and/or personal goals that I would like to achieve over the summer. Here they are.
  1. Spend quality time with William, doing all sorts of fun things.
  2. Send at least three articles out for journal review.
  3. Read, read, read! Anything and everything. Including Book 7.
  4. Start taking yoga lessons.
  5. Spend time alone with my Mom and Dad when I go to visit.
  6. See my best friend from high school while in NY.
  7. Join/start a writing group. (Been looking, can't find one!)
  8. Finish the poetry book I've been working on.
  9. Complete the self-study we've been working on for national accreditation.
  10. Get to the Green Valley Book Fair before school starts.
  11. Develop a new syllabus for the secondary curriculum methods class I will teach this fall.
  12. Visit my sister in NJ and head into NYC for a day.
  13. Get to the eastern shore or Assateague and walk on the beach.
  14. Go for a motorcycle ride with my brother.
  15. Try to be happy every day.

3 Comments on Answering the Memes, last added: 6/19/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
39. Toad and strawberries

If, as you read this, you feel a faint breeze ruffle your hair, do not worry. It is merely I, sighing deeply from the depths of cyberspace. as we reach the end of the week still in a state of leaky loo and (in Andy's case) some kind of lingering food poisoning. Our Landlord is actually a lovely chap and having been round to see the state the floor is in - sodden, soft and rotting - decreed that it is to be replaced. Reasons to be cheerful.
So, poor Andy is in official sick mode, ensconced on the sofa with Lucozade and daytime TV. I seem to have recovered now; my immune system is Amazonian, and I feel vaguely normal again. So it fell to me to pick the first strawberries of the year (I gave most of them to the invalid in a moment of supreme self sacrifice)...



...and keep up the nightly slug patrols. I was joined last night by a pair of large frogs, who are doing sterling work devouring the hordes of greedy, veg guzzling gastropods, and this beauty, flolloping around my Marmande tomato bed.



I am rather superstitious where numbers are concerned, so as three people have asked me to do the ubiquitous seven/eight things about me, and as it has been such a dreary week, here they are. You have Sue of Picture Dreams, Sweetpea, and Un Peu Loufoque to thank for this.

1) I tend to read magazines backwards - that's where the interesting stuff is.

2) I have four modest tattoos on my left and right forearms. This was not considered ladylike when I had them done twenty odd years ago and still isn't. (Not that I have ever been concerned with that, then or now).

3) I dislike wearing socks, especially with footware, due to a distressing childhood experience. I will avoid wearing them even when the weather is freezing.

4) I was orphaned when I was twelve.

5) I vowed to become an artist when my father died, (for him) and my life since then has been single mindedly dedicated to that end. If I'd had a normal childhood and followed my own inclinations, I would probably have become a naturalist of some kind. (This has only been a recent bit of self discovery and I'm still dealing with it).

6) I have always lived in rented accommodation, and never lived anywhere more than five years, despite having a deep and lifelong need to have roots.

7) My secret desire, if I ever had enough money, would be to have singing lessons.

I think everyone in the Universe has done this tag by now, so I fling it open to the winds.

16 Comments on Toad and strawberries, last added: 6/20/2007
Display Comments Add a Comment
40. Tagged, eight things.

I was tagged this week by Donna  Farrell...
Here are the rules:
Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. It took me a while to say that I am a children’s author and illustrator but now that I own it I am ready (read: salivating) for the elusive book contract.
2. There are plenty of days that I want to run away from being a mother but then I see my beautiful children smiling when they are truly having fun, or all lit up from learning and discovery, or radiating this amazing glow of peaceful innocence when they sleep and I know I’m in it for the long haul.
3.  I used to think I was a country girl but recently I’ve been longing for public transportation, local grocery stores, and neighbors. This causes disequilibrium with my wonderful farmer-at-heart husband but we’ve made it 14 years and there’s at least another 40 to go. Maybe a year or two in Boston or New York or even Madison, or St. Paul would allay this urge.
4. More than anything, I want to go to art school. (Some paying illustration jobs would be a close second.)Why? I achieve at a higher level when I am completing assignments and surrounded by honest critique. I am also longing for a period of time when I can be totally selfish and being a student is deliciously selfish. I wish I knew in college what I know now about myself.
5. I am trying to decide if I need an MFA, in art? in writing for children? or is it just another stupid piece of paper that doesn’t mean anything?
6.  I need to get a day job for financial reasons. While I am an educator at heart and experience, I get leaping frogs of doom in my stomach when I imagine going back to teach in a public school situation. Thinking of staff meetings where no one wants to try anything new, no child left behind testing and paperwork, and huge numbers of students to manage and assess, makes me want to cry.
7. I’m a piler not a filer and I hate housework. My mother gave me the I-can’t-get-rid-of-paper-gene. Thanks, Mom.
8. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find 8 blogging friends who haven’t already tried this so I'll go with four.

Let's try... Tami, Mona, Val, and Kristen W.
 

Add a Comment
41.

Elvis – The Real Story
By Eleanor Tylbor
A short play-ette speculating as to what Elvis would be doing if/he is alive today.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN 40-something husband of Tammy
ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer

THE TIME
The present

THE PLACE
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER

Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall and Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.

AT RISE:

TAMMY and LEN are seated at a table, looking around the room

Len
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?

TAMMY
(reading small book)
The restaurant guide write up says it’s fine dining with a difference

LEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our breadbasket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day

TAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere

LEN
You mean the “eau du garbage” coming from the back? Phew!

TAMMY
You’re so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. Look at all this authentic ‘60’s décor!

LEN
More like early condemned. Take a look at this place. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?

TAMMY
That the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King”

LEN
Are you saying that this…this garage and one-table-café was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!

TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners

LEN
Was that before or after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up

TAMMY
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…

LEN
…obviously not long enough…

TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…

LEN
And a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning

TAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible

(the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands, frequently)

WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…

LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!

TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu and we’ll choose

LEN
All these dishes are Elvis songs. “Bee bop a lu-la chicken wings…” The Love Me Tender t-bone looks interesting and it comes with fries and a “I Did It My Way” salad. Look at this. Says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Wonder if they mean that their meat is yesterday’s road kill?

TAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…

(the waiter comes over to take the order)

LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?

WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…

TAMMY
Just go and choose something already, will ‘ya?

WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…

LIGHTS DIM

TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin

SOUND: GUITAR TWANG

LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside…

(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the clerk dressed in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the counter holding a hand mic:

CLERK
“For you entertainment and plea-sure, the King has entered the building!”

(An over-weight bordering-on-obese man dressed in a white jump suit enters stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black avaiator glasses covers his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head)
CLERK
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is pround to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”

(A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way:

ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked

(he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket)

ELVIS
(in a weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty… Anyway… Good to see y’all ain’t fergetten the King

(whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose)

ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?

(starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on the back

ELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.

(starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck)

DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be

Elvis
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…

(Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key

LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile

(sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors)

ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!

(Two male “punkers” i.e. pink/green/purple hair wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take his arms)

MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at Wilsons Shop-A-Rama…

ELVIS
But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!

MALE 1
(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)

You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.

ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!


MALE 1
Here you are…

(the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the couple)

ELVIS
Thank you all very much!

(Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men)

LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!

WAITER
The guy is 72 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements and a bad knee and his shaking days are behind him. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?

LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis

(LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces)

WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…

LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!

WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…

(Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together)

LEN
A tank of gas is a tank of gas…

VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building”

0 Comments on as of 1/1/1900
Add a Comment