I am innocent I tells ya, It’s society made me do it.
Why sure that was my hand in your pocket but you never said I couldn’t do it.
If I’d heard even one moan I would have stopped and shot again but through the gurgles I never heard a tone.
The clergy said it was ok not to tell the truth on a need to know basis so I told you my name was Ruth.
Why just one twitch and I’d have started praying instead of preying, Honest, I say this without a hitch.
Had I known you didn’t want me to pull that trigger in the first place you wouldn’t have shown me your wallet was so much bigger.
My mother played a part for never spanking me ya know and my father said nothing, he wasn’t there, he had to go.
My teachers were all handcuffed by my lawyers, I would have sued them so, there’s profit in nonprofit don’t you know.
They never stopped me for speeding enough times and that warped my mind to have so many chances to cross the lines.
Drunk and murderous they once called it but had no more room in the mental ward so let me go which means I am cured now don’t you know.
No one cared as long as I was not knocking at their door so it is ok to do it if I do it to the poor.
The priest he said it was OK, that I should never tell. He had to go to another place but not to fear, he’d teach them there as well.
I am sorry Mr. John Doe, I was always on your side but you had too many golf clubs and such a pretty bride.
I was looking through your wallet and found a child or two, why didn’t you wear that wedding ring, I could have had that too.
The Army tried to do me right, maybe best of all but society had already messed me up so they sent me down the hall.
My brothers were all coming back it seems but had no place to go, the economy already took their jobs, left them with their nightmare dreams.
They sent the bad guy money makers, most of them, to jail. I mixed in quite well though I got a stiffer sentence while they all got to sail.
The judges were all concerned, it was so sad but their hands were tied, had it been up to them I may have surely died.
But society has set the course on which they then must follow, with hopes of course in a supreme seat they may also wallow.
And what about your cutting police and pay so a budget minded civic leader could get another raise, for that you win my praise!
He wasn’t here to see or even near to help me hear your plea.
So for your last gasp Mr. councilman it should be to thank yourself if you will, it was society did it to you, it wasn’t me!
I haven’t blogged. I apologize. My entire life as I knew it blew up in a small period time. I won’t get into the details, but I will be pressing on by myself and with my animals beside me. What I thought I had, I did not. It’s all part of a bigger plan to get the people in my life the help they need, but it doesn’t take away the overwhelming hurt and the grief. I have to slowly piece together the many thousand pieces of my heart, but maybe I will rebuild a whole new one in the process.
But I am extremely grateful for good friends, numerous clients and acquaintances, family lending so much support, my animals by my side loving me up, and the presence of my Guides or Angels whispering messages and help. Oh, and never underestimate the help of a good therapist and the amazing process of EMDR for clearing trauma and emotional gunk accumulated through the years. This process is amazing. I hope to include this work in my studies when I go back to school for my Masters and Phd.
As empaths we know, because we can feel it, we think we are the ones to fix it. This is the biggest lesson I am learning. Let others take the natural consequences. It’s not yours to carry! I heard this so often from my Guides I thought my ears would ring uncontrollably.
I’ve been doing more readings lately as I myself recover and I am finding that without carrying so much that I did before, I am able to really hear so easily. It’s overwhelming the change! Many of the migraines are gone also that I now realize was related to the negativity in the house I was living with. One animal reading I did came so quickly that I actually had to tell the animal to slow down! The information was just there.
I am amazed of the strength and resilience so many of us have that we take for granted! If I truly was the strength of the family, I need to use that strength for myself to carry on. I also realize that I have to learn to be a good parent to myself. I have gotten so used to parenting others as my prime focus, so much of the time I came dead last. I had no idea until now how much my own needs and feelings didn’t even come into question. No one was looking out for me! Slowly, I will learn how to focus on myself and be more “selfish.” (I think that word should be removed from the english language, by the way. Those who are, don’t need to be informed. The word is just fodder to torture women into being “good,” but that’s a whole other blog post).
Upward and outward, I suppose.
My dog’s name is Wyatt.
He’s never too loud and mostly quiet.
He romps and plays on sunny days and even stormy weather.
He likes to chase anything that scats, especially if they look like cats or has a pretty feather.
But he does not know birdy fluff from cattail stuff and most times ends up looking pretty funny!
Even if you are a speck of dust in the deepest, darkest reaches of space and time …
Even if no light shines form any knowable sun and all the points of light are so far away the universe looks like one dimly lit speck barely noticeable in a vast sea of blackness …
Even if the distance to anything like you is so far that time itself does not exist and seems void…You are not the forgotten edge of nothing …
But the leading edge of everything …
! …
This very night I walked to my darkest place, eyes closed as if blind.
I know this spot , I have been there many times, alone.
This night I walked with two friends, a dog and me.
I was determined to see what I might find when I looked from my blind place, the one in the corner.
I walked slowly but sure-footed, listening for the trees, the rocks, all obstacles.
The other animal was sure of his path and thought none the less of me though he was wrong.
I was soon left alone to find what I came for.
No coyotes or deer rustled, no bird, no breeze disturbed my mind.
I tilted my face to a preconceived heaven then opened my eyes to see what I expected, points of light scattered and a feeling of being alone.
I closed my eyes, erased my mind, then looked again to see the face of God in narrow perspective.
I closed them once more to drain my head of such small thoughts and the vanity that I might know the almighty for I knew if it were the face only a thoughts worth could I really see.
I opened them again and let my soul see it’s destiny.
brave…. or stupid. hahahahaha!
No, really… that was well written. I don’t believe I will ever be truly hardened to rejection, but I am learning that it doesn’t define me.