Being a TRA parent has changed me, and I’m grateful.

Thanks again for a thought provoking article Kevin!

Words of wisdom based on experience. Thank you.

It’s such good advice, but oh, the weight of walking away from family.

I totally understand walking away in the face of danger. But when it’s family, I would only “walk away” if you mean literally walking away, as in leaving the room or leaving the house. That is, giving a clear response that the remark isn’t acceptable. And if it’s said in front of my son, I make sure to take him aside when I walk away and explain why I am walking away. I don’t want him to ever get the idea that saying such stuff is ok.

Sometimes it really is just ignorance or lack or experience. Most white people have never had to have “the talk” with their white sons. When I mentioned having already had “the talk” with my 8 year old son, my parents registered visible shock. The simply had never thought of their grandson being the one in the hoodie or with his hands up. They got it in a way they simply had not before.

To give some hope, there was a recent article in Science showing that it can be possible to change people’s minds. On the topic of same-sex relationships, I think that conversations in families is exactly what has caused the huge shift in public opinion. Easy to be against some vague thing that someone else is doing. Harder when it is your beloved cousin Tom or Mary. Issues of race and ethnicity might be more complicated, but I still have some hope.

http://www.sciencemag.org/content/346/6215/1366.abstract?sid=37ac5de3-ea2e-4a12-afaa-6e8803284aaf

I think some incidents don’t warrant leaving the house or starting a debate. I agree that if a child is around you can talk to them and explain things for their benefit. I would just try and keep it in perspective. Trying to convince Uncle Billy who you only see once a year, who lives in a White neighborhood, goes to a White Job, and White church, in a White community that his world view is inaccurate to me is a waste of time at a Christmas gathering. I do agree to teach your kids from these incidents and these interactions although tough can be great teaching points between you and your kids.

agreed! sometimes /some people just aren’t worth the effort.

Thanks for these insights, especially the fourth. Could you elaborate, if you haven’t already, about how you came to rethink the racism?

I simply didn’t know what i didn’t know. As a child, as with most children, I was so focused on the 3 feet around me I didn’t notice much of what was going on around me. I really wasn’t trained to notice it as most Black kids are that grow up in Black families. My awareness in that sense was stunted. Now I can recognize it very very easily and often it could and does go unnoticed by the untrained eye.

Another awesome article!

Thanks Millie! I can always count on your support!

Thanks Millie! I can always count on your support!

Hi Kevin,
This email couldn’t have come at a better time for me! It was warmly written, uplifting and real! The “snake” reads like a modern version of the movie The Christmas Story. Yet it is so reflective to almost all adoptive families who have a child they love and challenges with the family they love being respectful of that child. (We have the issue of limited access by our choice for our children’s protection also). I found out about your blog when you posted an entry on Precious Williams’ fb page last year and I’ve been following you ever since.

I’ve been struggling like so many others in America right now. Race, poverty, immigration, wealth and privilege are touchy and emotional topics for anyone to discuss right now. You may have seen my and others explosive exchange on Ms. Williams page last week. I am pretty discouraged by her and her group. They are extremely negative and racially biased. I used to think maybe it’s just a cultural and age difference but it isn’t. She and her pals just don’t like white people and are pretty much against TRA. Every post and article she puts up has a very negative, damning, slant to it. Even though our son’s mother knew her baby was going to become part of a white family I was beginning to doubt how the end result will be in 15 years when he is a college student and beyond. That’s how Williams’s fb page is designed; to make parents think no matter what nothing they can do will ever be good enough. I know it’s her personal motivation but it was getting to me.

I haven’t deleted myself from Ms. Williams page. I’m beginning to see them as those bad relatives that we all have. I keep them on fb only so I can see what is in their heads. It is informative to see how some blacks and Adoptees see white adoptive parents. Maybe you can write a blog post about the black befit ivory out there. Everyone knows it’s around but nobody wants to talk about it because after all how can people of color be wrong or bad for our children?!? Personally, I wouldn’t want my kids around that attitude, it’s destructive and would make a child doubt their identity even more than they already struggle with.

No adoption is the ideal situation even when everyone’s skin matches. Kevin, I like that you acknowledge there will be challenges. That we can rise to the challenge of parenting and dealing with race and the whole kinetic ball of wax. You know that most people in this world are trying to do the right thing, but we are just figuring it out as we go along. I like that you are parenting along with us. I spent 20 minutes rereading some of your older blog post for inspiration! I love the tips you give to parents. You have helped to renew my spirit.

Keep up the good work! I just purchased your book. I can’t wait to read it.

Rebecca Casiple
708-214-8545 cell/text

>

I have the same fears for my son who will turn 16 next month. I wish the whole world could see him for who he is instead of judging him before they know him, but I know that some people will perceive him as a threat.

I have the same fears for my son too. He’s going to be 6 years old soon. He’s still considered cute right now but he’s huge and often mistaken for much older than he is. It breaks my heart for what I know is coming. How is he going to handle it the first time someone doesn’t treat him like a cute little boy and mistakes him for a “thug”? Luckily, I have you to help me help him through this.

I hope it helps this situation has me stumped. I read a study that says children of color are often perceived as several years older than they really are which causing issues because the expectations of children at 8 and how they are expected to act is much different than 12 yrs old. So if u see a child who is 8 but u think they are 12 u expect them to act a certain way and when they don’t assumptions happen and usually in a way that penalizes the child. I think I’ll write about that soon.

I love that story- only I tell it with a roast. Why tradition needs to be questioned periodically.

Thank you for writing this. It is so hard when advocating for your child to get others to recognize when racism is playing a role in what is being said or happening. An 8 year old white boy called my 8 year old black daughter “poopy.” And when I addressed it with the daycare manager, rather than admit that there was a racial element at play I was dismissed with “All 8 year old boys use potty language to everyone.” This morning, I found myself trying to explain to my 14 and 16 year old black daughters why a compliment was an example of racism. A coach said to them that my younger daughter – who is dark-skinned – is the prettiest black girl she has ever seen. Why not just say she is one of the prettiest girls she has ever seen? Why qualify it by race? If sounds like “For a black girl you are pretty.” I wanted them to understand this because when they are in the work force, they will need to be able to recognize subtle racism in others that could be holding them back. But I know that many white people – even those who parent black children – would say I am looking for racism. I would rather discuss it with my kids than allow them to go into life unprepared for it.

It sound strange to say but these are beautiful examples of micro-aggressions that people of color experience all the time. It sounds like you have trained your ears and eyes to recognize them. I’m glad you are talking about them with your kids so they too will recognize them. Maya Angelou has a saying that I live by, “When someone shows you who they are….believe them…the first time.” When you recognize who you are dealing with it helps you in dealing with them. On a side note, why is a coach commenting on how beautiful a young girl is? CREEPY!

I love the quote and am saving it to share with my daughters. The volleyball coach is a college-aged white woman (20 or so) – a little less creepy. : )

Much less creepy. It makes it even worse than because this could have been a very uplifting comment. Why qualify it by adding color. I agree this was a polite why of saying, “You’re pretty…for a Black girl.” Grrrrr!

The skin tone thing is so sad. My friend was often told she was pretty for a “dark girl”… It was such a huge issue for her

This is spot on Kevin and very timely. “I am not a racist, I don’t see color,” makes me want to vomit. As does the more aggressive “Are you saying that I am a racist? Are you calling me a racist?”

Speaking to the “I don’t see color” comment; it is always so striking for me to see how uncomfortable my husband and I make people when we positively point out our son’s ethnicity and the characteristics that make him, him. While we have a lot of diversity in our family, my immediate family is 3 white individuals and one mixed race individual. My mixed race son knows he has tan skin, knows he has curly black hair, he loves that his mama has black hair too, he teases his little brother for getting “pink” in the sun, and he embraces and owns his ethnicity even at the age of 3 1/2. However, if we talk about his tan skin around a non family member, it’s almost as if they blush, or “why do you point that out to him?” Because we must!

Our African American son will turn 16 in November, and my husband and I love him with all our hearts. Like you, we are trying to prepare him to deal with confrontations that may be initiated by people with fear and hatred in their hearts. Like you, we are praying that he doesn’t become another statistic.

Well said! Sad that it had to be Sadi though…

As the mom of a Latino boy and the aunt of two Black young men, I can relate. And it INFURIATES me when I hear IDIOTS (a large number of them, in a Pew poll) that race is ‘overstated’ in these cases. Can anyone really be that ignorant. Yes, unfortunately, lots of people.

U have to do what u can focusing on ur mental health. I knew emotionally I could never handle that kind of thing. I also emotionally can’t handle sick kids. Some people can. Yes there is a need, but as one of my former pastors used to say- every need is not a call for u. I can, however, help adults successfully manage their Diabetes- and really help some who were seriously struggling. U have to know what u can handle and walk away before u drown. Regardless of what others say. And their comments???? OMG – crazymaking.
Proud of u Kevin!

Hello. Thank you for your honesty. We have been in the process of growing our family through adoption for over 12 years now. It is a very difficult process for couples, families, single individuals, who wish to parent, and the road blocks we experience are numerous. It certainly does not feel like we walk along side the social workers in this process. We wish you and your family all the best. God knows your heart, as He knows ours. God knows our truth.

Kevin,

Your feelings are understandable. You are right about the roadblocks.
Another perspective is that some of these teens have been neglected/abused by bio parents since infancy. The big question is why did it take so long to get help for them and terminate parents’ rights?
Also, many families are not equipped to handle the special needs of a teenager who has been in the system. Some families want to adopt a teen, but can’t do it without the respite care, in-home therapy, etc. that is necessar;y.
We also need to look at the root cause of why foster care exists. We need to as a culture prevent substance abuse and child neglect/abuse. We need to require parenting classes and child development classes in high school.

Thanks for all you’ve done for us Kevin, and all that you continue to do. We each contribute what we can, and your contribution to us is valuable, whether it happens in an adoption agency or an insurance company. Wishing you all the best!

I totally get it. I have a friend who worked for Child Protective Services in Louisiana for 12 years and, just recently, also left and took a job in the insurance industry. She said that she simply couldn’t take it anymore…..that the system is as flawed, if not more so, than the situations of the kids it services. To her, the most frustrating part is that everyone is pushing a pen to fill out a form that is required to keep their job and that nobody is recognizing the fact that nothing they are doing is working. And no one is open to change. she felt she had to leave or go insane.

Work where you have your best shot of making a difference.

That is exactly what I saw! I saw adults just checking boxes and do what was required with no desire to service the children in their care.

Thanks Jon!

Amen, amen, amen!

I wish you success in your journey as well! It just shouldn’t be this difficult.

Thanks Millie! I always appreciate your words of encouragement.

Just one question before I can post elsewhere: Are you anti-choice?

Frank,

Good to hear from you! As I state in the video, I’m not here to debate the issues. I’m here to offer another choice; another option to consider.

To be more precise, Kevin, I have some issues with the dichotomy abortion / adoption. A pregnancy broken off is something else than killing a baby, as the narrative is some circles goes. I don’t believe adoption is an alternative for abortion.

My mother saw it as an alternative and I believe some woman may.

And you? What do you think. Or better: how will you express what you think in your film? I would have a problem to promote an enterprise that would see adoption as an alternative to abortion.

The film is my mother’s story. She was faced with what seemed to be a no win situation and initially saw abortion as the only option but then choose an adoption plan. The film will tell her story and the decision she made in her situation.

Thanks very much!

An important factor to recognize is that the number of abortions among black women is high because black women are more likely to experience unintended pregnancies that other women – in fact the unintended pregnant rate among black women is twice the rate for white women. This is caused by lack of access to family planning & lack of good sex education. So it’s not that black women are more likely to choose abortion, they’re more likely to have to make a decision about an unintended pregnancy.

Kate,

I couldn’t agree more. This is due to a whole lot of factors. It comes down to education and it is my goal to help in some way. This is my way to education on the option of adoption.

Very good point Kate. I am a big advocate of family planning. I am pro-choice, but I don’t like abortion. I believe in doing everything possible to prevent abortion. That means starting at the beginning. We as a society must work much harder to promote sex education and birth control; that would help prevent a woman from even considering an abortion.
There is something that many people including those in the adoption triad don’t like to talk about. They don’t like to talk about the fact that the main reason adoption occurs is the biological family had an unplanned pregnancy and/or is not prepared to raise a child. In addition to sex education and birth control, our society needs to do a much better job of educating people about how to be good parents. A parenting class should be required in middle school or high school.
Kevin, i think your project is a good idea. However, i also hope that you would consider helping to prevent the unplanned pregnancies in the first place which would prevent a woman from even considering abortion.

Just trying to do my part in my lane.

Are you and your wife going adopt?

Once you determine the appropriate method for fundraising, please alert all of your followers. I most certainly will donate to this. In fact, (although I’m in Wisconsin) my family and I have several connections to video journalists, editors, etc. and we could be in assistance if you needed. This is a powerful message and one that should be relayed. I was so enamored with how my son’s birthmother just so naturally chose adoption because she truly felt abortion was not an option; no matter how far along she was. She always considered herself as keeping this child safe for his future parents. And she was so very young, but so very wise. I would like to see your message encourage that perspective for women in a similar situation as your birthmother.

Addie,

We are fundraising through Kickstarter. The link is in the blog above. Would LOVE to connect and see what we could do to make this happen.

At this point no. But I would never say never.

In deep struggles and in shallow discoveries we find “all that glitters (in promise) is not gold” – but it still exists – family and all. Thanks for sharing – seems like a postscript to your book.

As always, your writings are insightful and thought provoking. I wonder, do you think that if you had been able to search for your biological family earlier, that you might have felt differently?

Yes I do think that would have helped as well as to have some guidance prior to and after. Simply talking about my bio family would have help set up things. You have inspired me to add to the post some things that could help. See today’s blog.

Thanks for sharing your great article Kevin!

Thanks Kevin for that insightful piece. I’ve noticed that my 8 year old son has always pretty much consistently hung out with his African American peers at school since Kindergarten. From what I understand from what you presented, this should only start beginning now? We do live in a very diverse community and his school probably enrolls more AA children than that of other ethnicities so I’m attributing it to that. He also draws pictures featuring characters with brown skin, so I’m happy that he is strongly identified with his race. Keep up the good work!

Very succinct.

Great blog Kevin. I am posting everywhere

Very clear. # 1 could be fleshed out a bit. Saying that race doesn’t matter, however, in our culture, would be important for the adoptive family, right – but would be seen and accepted clearly only with further discussion about how others in culture and community are not thinking or accepting.

I agree! It’s interesting that this blog started with. one statement, “Acknowledging the difference proves it doesn’t matter. Ignoring the difference causes me to question how much it matters.” I struggled with leaving it as is or adjusting it. I choose to adjust it but could have written a whole blog on this one topic. This was the one I really struggled with out of all of them. I like how the others were short and sweet. I agree that talking about race has to include that although it doesn’t matter in our family it matters greatly outside our family and it is important for children of color to understand how much it matters and that they should be prepared for how much it can impact their life.

Great stuff here. This is also what our adoptive parent training and classes taught us, but it means even more to hear you say it from your perspective and life experience. We thank you, and I’m sure our daughters will too!

Thank you for your insight. We’ve been spreading our words to our family and close friends, encouraging them to not be color blind so that our son embraces his ethnicity and loves not only his own physical features, but loves the ancestry he originated from as well.

Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
Being conscious of the messages we send and what is being received by adoptees. Love is not enough.

Kevin, adoptive mom who values your voice. Keep em coming!

You’re right! Love is not enough. It is the foundation but just as you wouldn’t stop building a house after the foundation laid you don’t stop building a family assume LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.

Reblogged this on Red Thread Broken and commented:
This is a good reminder for adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents.

Mr. Hofmann / Kevin

Thanks for sharing your journey and the journey of your adopting family. Greet them for me.

Harold Avers

Love your observations and raw expression regarding the movie. I cannot wait to see it!!!!

How do we get access to this film Closure? I have completed my journey and have a full relationship with my birth families, always love to read, see and hear others stories.

I loved this documentary (as an transracial adoptive mom). I found Angela inspiring in every way. She did what she needed to do – to find her roots and connect with ther birthparents and family. Her meeting with both of her birthparents were profoundly moving and interesting as well. Just to see how much she resembled her father was amazing. But she was very honoring of her adoptive family as well. She seems very grounded and whole.

I will do that Pastor! Thanks.

Hey Karla!
It is a must see movie.

I’m not sure how or if you can get access to the documentary. I don’t think it is available yet. I will check and get back with you.

Harriet,

I agree! I was honored to be able to go on this journey with Angela.

I haven’t had the opportunity to see it yet, but this review makes me want to see it TODAY! Thanks for sharing your thoughts…

I’m trying to get information from the director as to how people can see it.

So, was it a conflict of collecting or a conflict of sharing?

I guess it was both. I was advised gift giving is inappropriate.

I chipped in $10, she seems like a very worthy cause. I bet you could find a church in the area that would be willing to take these expenses on. Many have benevolent funds that could easily be used to help this girl, they may also provide more mentors and adult support for her. Just a thought. Keep up the good work, you give a window I need into a world I have no clue about.

Thanks Dave!!!!! Great Idea. I will forward to come churches. Thank so much for your generosity I am humbled truly!

Could I offer to connect you to the Unitarian Universalist churches in your area? Or could I present this as a fundraising option to my small Unitarian Universalist church in Northwest Detroit?

Yes you can! I grew up in NW Detroit and would gladly come and talk to the folks there if needed. Anything you can do would be appreciated.

When are the funds needed?

They are not needed until February of next year.

I left a small donation. I hope lots contribute. The whole idea of “re-homing” gives me the heeby jeebies. This young woman, like all kids, sounds like she has lots of potential. I know love is not enough but perhaps when she is able to do some of the normal things that a teen should do, healing will continue.

Thanks so much. I agree totally. I think normalcy is so important. Thanks for the donation!!!

Hi Kevin. I am having trouble with the donate button. Do you have some sort of direct link? Thanks

Yes you can go to https://www.paypal.com click on the tab to send money and put in my email address [email protected] in the to: box.

My heart goes out to that 8-year-old boy. I’m so glad your sons have a father who can prepare them for what they will encounter as black men in a color-conscious society.

O, Kevin, it never quite goes away, does it? Thank you for posting, because as years go by, so many people don’t know how it was or how it still so quietly is…and this must continue to be told, as should all harassing stories, injustice, and just plain meanness. You shine, Kevin. I so much enjoyed meeting you last year here in Big Rapids……blessings, Mikki Garrels

I’m sure your parents wish they knew then what they have learned from you later in life – sometimes our children teach us more than our parents ever could – and yet they taught us the commitment of love that their birth families probably could not always share with them.

Big Rapids was a great few days. I want everyone I know to walk through the Jim Crow museum and wish I could get them to take it in the road. What an amazing hidden treasure!

Great writing, Kevin. I am so sorry. I want to apologize for that mean guy with the shrinking glare and all that he represents. Many transracially adopted kids do not truly experience this until they go to college, due to being relatively close to their white family while younger.

I would argue many experience it and don’t know how to verbalize it. Many just suffer through it and internalize it. The moment they walk out into the world their white privilege also dissolves. Another reason why it is so so important to talk to your kids about race and society and how they are viewed.

Oh Kevin, posts like these, while they are most appreciated, break my heart. My sweet, innocent boy is 8, about to turn 9. How do I, as a white mother, prepare him? He has not experienced any racism (thank God) thus far and I constantly ask him how he feels, and if people say things to him, or if he felt uncomfortable in certain situations, etc.
We try so very hard to instil black pride. (Just spent time at the library today checking out books on Booker T. Washington, Rosa Parks, Jackie Robinson, Dr. King, Micheal Jordan, Harriet Tubman) but can you offer any advice how to prepare him for the prejudices he will likely encounter? He’s so innocent right now, I I don’t want to scare him either.

Often as parents to protect our kids we have to, have to, have to, have these tough conversations. With my kids,(16 &12) we have always had conversations about race. We use current news stories about race which are on TV or in the news almost everyday. It’s an easier conversation to have when it’s not specifically about them. It also sends the message that home is a safe place to talk about race.
I have a friend who tells the story of growing up watching TV with his Dad and his Dad would sit there and talk to the TV and comment about racial issues on TV. My friend realized when he got older his father wasn’t talking to the TV, he was talking to his son teaching his son THROUGH the TV. He recalls learning so much from his father that way. I would say the conversation should be more purposeful but doesn’t have to be so in your face, “lets sit down and have THE TALK!” There’s a way to have the conversation without having “the conversation.”

Great post Kevin! Thank you for being so open and sharing your insight. As an adoptive mom & a scholar & researcher on race and transracial adoption, I appreciate hearing from someone who has “lived the experience” so that I know if I am on the right track. This was incredibly timely for me because I just had a very intense conversation with my son about how he feels it when people look at him differently because of his skin color. Because I study race/racism I know about the many covert ways racism is practiced today and have anticipated many of these conversations yet when they happen I am still blown away. Knowing they are coming doesn’t make me hurt any less for my boys but it does help that I am somewhat prepared to discuss the topic with them. I am a huge advocate of racial socialization and in our family we talk very openly about race and racism. It is an ongoing conversation and I couldn’t agree more with your response about not necessarily needing to have “the talk”. I use every opportunity I get to talk about race with my boys so that when they have problems it is not awkward to bring it up. Thanks again for sharing your insight, Please keep it coming!

Michelle, another thing is hopefully you have developed black friendships whom your son has a chance to interact with on a regular basis so that he can see and experience firsthand how to navigate the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) racist messages and inuendo that are engrained in every institution (educational; governmental/political; financial; religious; medical; housing; advertising/media; corporate…you name it). The ability to survive and thrive in a world fraught with racism sometimes has to be “caught” as well as “taught”…that is, just being in a positive environment with those whom live this everyday will help your son to “catch” how to sense those racist situations and to be empowered so that he can react in a manner that doesn’t diminish himself…that will ultimately help him to reach his full potential in a world that is frequently hostile to his very existence. He has to have positive role models of black males (and females) to help…it really does take a village to raise a child. Even though I’m a black female, there are situations that my husband have encountered as a black male that I’ve never lived — he was able to pass to our sons personal lifeskills that I couldn’t. In addition, if you haven’t already, it would be helpful for you to read materials to educate yourself about white privilege — this will help you to acknowledge and seek to change “privileged” situations that are blatant, as well as recognize the subtle messages of privilege that have been such a part of your upbringing that you may not be aware of it. This isn’t about instilling guilt — it’s about educating and bringing about change. For both your son and you it is a process, a journey so to speak. I applaud you for seeking answers and information — don’t worry about “scaring” your son — if he’s not equipped and empowered to recognize and react to racism, the world will certainly do it’s part to “scare” him (and not in a loving way that you, as his Mom, will). The truth will always set him (and you) free! God bless you.

Great post! Thanks for this.