Over the course of my 30 years on this earth, there have been many books that I have intended to read.  In fact, each year I take pride in boldly proclaiming that I intend to finally read all the books I have intended to read.  It’s sort of my thing.  I vow to watch less TV, read more books, and finally get around to losing the thirty or so pounds I feel that my body could do without.

This should not be confused with a “New Years Resolution”, as I do not believe in new years resolutions…I just simply plan to change things about my life with a firm resolve usually around the first of the year, which is completely different.  Completely.

Given the measure of this resolve to read more books that I have always intended to read, I usually find myself with a handful of dog-eared books collecting dust on my bookshelf, existing to remind me of things that start well but ultimately end in defeat, usually sometime around the 15th of January.

I have learned that the more time goes by between readings, the less interest I have in finishing the task….that is until the year is over and I can once again make a stern resolve to do those things I had every intention of doing the previous year. 

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to picking up a less than indulged in book, is the fact that I have most likely forgotten everything that existed prior to the dog-eared page, and yet have little desire to start over, and refresh my memory.  Many books have fallen victim to this horrific struggle…and there is very little one can do about it. 

The first novel I can remember reading entirely through was a Science Fiction book about a kid who plays a game and ends up actually destroying an entire alien civilization.  I read it when I was in fourth grade, and though I came to appreciate the book much more as an adult, I remember being quite proud that I had read all three hundred some pages of it.  Someday I intend to give the book to my first born son, as he is my first, much like the book was my first.

The following years, I was forced to read book after book due to the insistence of teachers, who thought it was important to read, and parents who thought it was important to one day graduate.  My command of the English language was always strong, but when I am forced to read anything, especially socially aware books dealing with topics I care little about, I find it impossible for my mind to focus.  Maybe I am alone in this, but when I read a book without focusing, it is almost like I didn’t read the book at all.  I do not understand how my mind is able to read each word of a book, yet wander off somewhere completely different in thought.  I used to try to force myself to concentrate, but then had to deal with the distraction of forcing myself to concentrate, while trying to concentrate.  It’s ridiculous I know, but it’s what I do. 

In my early twenties I started reading books more frequently, as I somehow came to the conclusion that knowledge was an important thing to obtain.  I didn’t read many novels, but I spent hours engulfed in books dealing with theology and apologetics.  I discovered the writings of G.K. Chesterton, and tried desperately to seem as deep as he was.  He wrote a bo

Dear Google…stop it!  You are getting close to making a hypocrite out of me.  Yes, I am the one who said, “All I need a phone for is to make calls, why should I get a smart phone?” You and your stupid Nexus 1.

My phone is more than three years old and it has been a great phone.  Sure, it has the usual quarks that any phone older than two years might have, as in a shorter battery life, and a bad habit of unexpectedly shutting down.  I look at it the same way I look at my car, sure it would be nice to have something shinier, but for now, I’m fine. 

I had little interest in the iphone craze, as I believe AT&T to be an evil, evil company.  I thought it might be nice to have a Blackberry, but still failed to understand why I needed internet on a phone when I already pay for it at my house.  I was even less enthusiastic about the Palm Pre as the lady on the commercials freaked me out a bit. 

So why is it that I can’t stop looking at the Nexus 1?  I can’t watch enough videos on it, and I have less regard for my own phone, though up until now I have been completely content with it. 

I am officially putting you on notice, as I need you to stop being so awesome.  Maybe scale it back a few bars.  Make the Nexus 1 like automakers have made hybrids.  Ugly.  I cannot afford your new phone…yet part of me thinks that I can’t afford to not have it.  Now I know how my wife feels about the Kindle.

Anyway….

I finally got the chance to sit down and watch “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” a few days ago.  Regarding other animated movies that come from Sony Pictures, I had little expectations.  ‘Open Season’ and ‘Surf’s Up’ were both average in their story telling, though overall, good films.  The fun factor was evident in both films, and the humor was silly enough for children, but sophisticated enough for any adult with a sarcastic sense of humor.  The problem is that I have no desire to watch those films ever again…and to me, this is a test of what makes a movie great.  Part of me thinks that they felt more like a high budget cartoon, than an actual movie…and the polish that Dreamworks and Disney have added to their movies just wasn’t there. 

Though I cannot speak for how well it sticks to the story of the book, as I have yet to read it, I can say that “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” is quite good.  It is a fun film, over the top in just about every way imaginable, beautiful, creative, and even a bit meaningful.  It is a story that addresses the need people have to be appreciated for who they are, and though this is an idea reused constantly by most films that “try” to be meaningful, this theme was not over the top and handled in a way that most people could appreciate. 

Like the other Sony animated efforts, sarcasm was a driving force behind the movie, and yet it wasn’t reliant upon punch lines and quirky characters to make it funny.  Even the most quirky of characters, Officer Earl as voiced brilliantly by Mr. T, had a great level of depth and sophistication through all the tough talk and bizarre ramblings. 

I have to admit that I am a Mr. T fan, not because I think he is a great actor, but because he is very similar to the character he portrayed in “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, as he is an over the top character who is also endearing and sincere. His role in this film, though small, made the entire movie for me as it is his lines like “I know we all blame Flint for this. In fact, the minute he steps out of that car, I'm gonna slap him in the face.” are the ones I remember most. 

Perhaps I was most impressed with how the “over the top” antics of Officer Earl and his “I love my son!!!!”  exclamations were seamlessly woven into the very story of the lead character Flint and his desire to hear his dad say the same thing. 

It was April, 2006.  I had worked for a non-profit company out of Los Angeles for the good part of a year, and had been counting down the days for my ten month commitment to be over.

It is not that I didn’t enjoy the work, it’s just that I have this incessant habit of always looking to what’s next, and thus growing bored with where I am.  I did not have a plan as to what I would do once free from the position I was in, all I knew is that I was ready for the next adventure. 

Phoenix was nice.  It was hot, yet without the humidity, it seemed oddly bearable.  The part of the city where I was seemed remarkably clean for being in the desert, and I had just witnessed an electric morning where the sun lingered long enough on the horizon to paint the sky in brilliance. 

My morning school (I did school assemblies) was one of the most frustrating places I had ever had to setup.  First of all, I was by myself, secondly, the school offered no staff or students to aid in the process, and thirdly, it was a very cramped stage in which I was expected to set up three giant screens for the multi-media presentation.  After having wrestled the equipment through the side door and up to the stage, I unfolded the frames, and found myself at a standstill until finally I was able to convince my contact person that I needed at least one person to help (though I insisted six was still a great number). 

Though I was frustrated, I was somehow having a good time.  Not only was I still reeling from the electric sunrise, but I had somehow managed to fit all three screens on the stage and forced the legs of the screens to fit in places that should, in normal circumstances, be next to impossible.  The show went well, and for the first time in that position, I found myself considering sticking with the company for another year. 

I can’t explain it. I had not even been considering it.  Yet the thought was there, and after only a few hours of working this idea over in my mind, I knew it was what I wanted to do. 

In looking back, it was one of the most important decisions I have ever made.  I felt myself maturing in those final months of my first year with that company, and though things hadn’t changed much on the outside, on the inside I had begun to understand myself and what I really wanted.  I knew that the coming year was going to be important to me, and I had made the conscious decision to make the most of each moment. 

Some people have no problem believing in fate, and some have convinced themselves that everything that happens is coincidental.  I believe in the sovereignty of God. This does not mean that I believe God is author of everything that happens to me, just that He has a plan for my life, and if lived carefully, that plan is good…really good. 

I was unaware of his intentions in having me go back for another year, yet I was certain that it was right.  I had a certain expectancy about the year to come, and though I can’t explain it, I knew that it was going to be an important year. 

I met my wife that year. 

Often I find myself wondering what would have happened had I not decided to go back for another year?  Where would I be today?  Would I have ever been given the chance to meet Olivia, and if I had, would it have led to the same conclusion? 

Out of all the places to meet the one person I had been secretly searching out for years, why did it end up being a dusty old mountain, in a dusty old camp, in the midst of an intense week of training and kamikaze gnats?  What was it that made it so different?  I have known some great women in my life, and fought through many crushes and infatuations.   I usually could talk myself out of action involving a crush, yet this one required no such action.  I was hooked.

I am still amazed at God’s providence. How a boy from Kansas could m

Here it is, the last day of 2009.  I woke up this morning after only about four hours of sleep due to a toddler climbing on my face.  I got up, put him back in his crib, and started my day. 

I had every intention of going back to sleep, but instead found myself listening to podcasts, reading blogs, and thinking about my next couple of projects I hope to work on…Oh, and of course, updating my blog for the first time in months. 

I haven’t updated my blog, not because I didn’t have anything to say…I stopped writing because I was going through a transitioning process in my own life and couldn’t find any concluding thoughts to anything that I wrote. 

I have discovered that it’s a good practice to be intentional in the things you do.  Though it would have been fun for me to write about all the things I have been going through these last few months, I don’t feel that it would have been beneficial to anyone, especially myself. 

I hate that I am now in a place where I feel I can start things up again, when it is accompanied by a new year approaching.  The truth is I have been trying to write this blog now for several weeks so as to not get this confused with some type of resolution.  I don’t believe in basing a resolution on a new year beginning.  True, each year helps us compartmentalize and I believe should be accompanied by goals and expectancy…Just that it should not be a reason to put things off when those things need to be addressed today.

Maybe someday I’ll write a book about all the things I have experienced this year.  I do not feel the need to go into that now except to say that I am amazed at how good this year has actually been.  I spent the majority of the year out of work, and yet didn’t go any further into debt.  I wrote and illustrated a Children’s book, developed an almost professional feel for graphic art, started a new line of custom prints that have sold decently well these last few months, and have been given the incredible chance to watch my son go from a helpless infant to a hilarious little boy.  I have experienced growth spiritually, and have come to experience God’s presence in a mightier, more intimate way. 

Back in August we were given the chance to minister to a great church in Wisconsin and was so blessed to experience God’s presence and anointing during our time there.  We left with a greater sense of God’s purpose and plan for our lives.  The church was looking into hiring us for the Youth Pastor position, and we had hoped that this was the dream that God had for us…It wasn’t, and we had to dust ourselves off and keep moving.  At the time it was a moment of heartache, but since, it has become a great joy for both of us to see the opportunity that God had given us for a weekend that has become a highlight of our year.

My point is, God is good.  I know that there are some who have worked much harder than I have this year and yet have struggled much more. God allows us to go through what we need to, and yet He never leaves us nor forsakes us.  God is faithful, and is working things out for our good.  Sometimes we tend to think “our good” is something tangible or comfortable, but this is not biblical.  “Our good”, I believe, is always going to be something beneficial to our relationship with God, the character we need to have for the tasks to come, and the wisdom that comes through experience. 

I am better for having experienced these things this year.  I am better for having experienced a deeper level of God’s intimacy, for experiencing confidence and brokenness, for experiencing purpose, and rejection.  In looking back, this has been a great year…and though 2010 is here with all it’s uncertainties and fears, I can sti

Today is my two year anniversary with the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met.  I am still amazed that she picked me to be honest, and in a time of drought where it seems like resources are drying up, I still feel rich beyond my wildest dreams to have the love of this incredible, beautiful woman. 

Over this past year I have had the joy of watching her become a mother.  God has blessed us with probably the best baby ever, and getting to watch the two of them together, words cannot explain how it makes me feel inside.  How she comforts him in his most winey moments, and makes him laugh and giggle with her tickles and mommy kisses, and reads to him at night before putting him in bed…Life, compared to this, seems bland and uninteresting.  Seems empty and meaningless.  Hudson has brought something to our lives that has enriched them, and brought us closer together. 

A year ago, I spent some time writing a tribute to Olivia, and since I still think it is one of the best things I have ever written, I have decided that instead of trying to top it this year, perhaps I should just dust it off and repost it as a tribute to someone who has endured with me two of the most trying years of my life, yet the most amazingly good years I have ever lived. 

So here it is, the less than antiquate tribute to my Olivia.  Two years later, and “after all these years”….

I struggle sometimes to find the words. It's not that I'm lacking, or that there aren't any words, but rather that there are too many words to choose from, and none of them seem to do justice.

These past few weeks I have been more sentimental than usual, and at times on the verge of tears as I've tried to find it in me to write this tribute. I've tried to remember life before her, and it's as if stepping into a time that never existed. All the moments spent wanting, and waiting for her to finally come along, and then the moment when she did, the moment when she captured my heart and caused me to stumble over everything I once knew and plunge head first into everything we would learn together.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. Immediately I was hooked. At the time, I didn't think much of it, but I singled her out in a crowded room, and it wouldn't take but a few days for me to develop a crush that would last a lifetime. Our first conversation, me making fun of her music (music that I would somehow grow to like…or at least tolerate…she really does have great taste), or the first day we spent together, went to church together, had Starbucks together, and experienced Mosaic together.

I mistook it for my usual crush that would pass in a few short days, but it didn't, and a week later all I could think about was letting her know. I have no idea why it was so difficult, asking her on the walk was easy, but trying to find the words "I like you" (though they remained on the tip of my tongue throughout the walk) was beyond me. It all felt so awkward yet felt so incredibly right, and finally after passing the time talking about anything my nervous mind could grasp (mostly robots…a thing she will still not let me forget) I mustered the courage and forced the words to leave my mouth.

We were on our way.

The next part of my life happened that day. The part that would exist with Olivia, and a love that would burn so brightly that nothing could extinguish it's flames. I held on at first with skittish aptitude, careful to not get carried away but eagerly on the brink of losing myself.

We fell in love. I have no record of when, or how…all I have is the moment leading up to the conversation that has stayed with me since. To hear her say the words "I love you" stopped for me all concept of time and I'm certain that my smile nearly left my face. It was beautiful. I had dreamt of hearing those words before, but to actually hear them, from her mouth to my ears, and to hear them every day since that day…it's incredible to say the least.

She would sometimes send me these incredible text messages that I would stare at as I was falling asleep. Sometimes I would receive letters from her that I would read, and reread, and reread again. And sometimes I would just stare at her face on my computer screen (We were apart for the first three months) and try to memorize every line as if I was studying for a play. She was becoming the best part of me, and when I asked her to marry me, on December 29^th, 2006, she said yes.

Sometimes you don't need to question things. Sometimes you just know. I had prayed to God just two months prior to meeting Olivia that He would make it obvious to me when the right moment presents itself. He did, and I've never questioned this love ever since.

So here it is, the morning of our one year anniversary. Olivia is still in bed, the bed that we have shared now since last September 1^st when we gathered with friends and family to celebrate our love. She has been to me over this past year much more than a lover or a friend, but rather she has been the anchor that has kept me stable amidst the raging seas. She has been the calming voice of wisdom and the compass that has consistently turned me back to trust and faith. She has been my damsel, the woman that I would fight my whole life for to save, and she has been my support, keeping me standing when all I want to do is fold.

I know not how I survived 26 years without her. It's difficult for me to remember life before her gentle touch. How did I appreciate sunsets before I had her to watch them with? How did I enjoy walks before I had her hand to hold? How did I ever look forward to coming home before I had her to come home to? I used to be such a loner, so why is it that I rarely ever have my "Matt time" and yet I don't miss it?

She is my motivation to become the man that God has been trying to mold me into. She reminds me of everything that is good, right, delightful, and I will gladly spend the rest of my life fending off the things that are not. She is my best friend, my mentor, my right hand. She is more than I ever thought my wife could be, and she has become my greatest surprise.

In less than two months we will have a son, and thus another part of our lives will begin. I heard that being a parent changes everything, and yet I'm anxious to not only meet our baby boy, but to see Olivia become much more than my wife. We have both lived with the mentality that the details will always work themselves out, and though this is certainly the biggest step we have taken, together or separate, I have no doubt that we will figure it out.

You see, God brought two restless spirits together two years ago, and has since then proven himself time and time again as being a God interested in the details. There is no boasting in ourselves that we have somehow made anything happen, it has been all God. From the moment that I made the decision to come back to L.A. for one more year of Camfel, to Olivia choosing to try it on as well…God did certainly bring us together, and He had already shaped her to be the perfect fit for me.

I'm looking forward to years ahead with her, my Olivia. This past year, though it certainly wasn't easy, has been the greatest year of my life. And I owe it all to a loving, faithful God, and an incredible woman who has forever changed my life.

- Matt

Lately, as in almost daily, I come across something that reminds me of the time that Jesus walked on water. Sometimes it is in a sermon, sometimes in a book, sometimes in something completely unrelated…but regardless, it keeps being brought up.

Apart from Noah’s Ark and the naked people in the garden, this is probably one of the first bible stories to really stand out to me as a kid. It goes like this:

“Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.

Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”

But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

“Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.” – Matthew 14:22 – 32

I remember when I first heard this story how disappointed I was in Peter. To a child, faith comes easy, and though it was quite impractical to think anyone could ever walk on water, I knew about Jesus. I knew that if anyone could, He could. I remember feeling sorry for Peter that he didn’t have more faith than he did, and what great feeling it must have been even to take the few steps he did.

I admit that these past six months have felt rather similar to walking on water for. With each step, we are forced to try to ignore the violent wind and thrashing waves. We have had to at times reach out our hands and yell “save me, Lord!”, and at times we have come close to sinking.

I like to think that it is because I constantly remind God of what is at stake here and how important it is for His name sake that things happen in a timely manner…Moses often reminded God of this, as did many of His prophets, why not I? I like to think that I have this keen insight that God needs and naturally goes to me for advice. Perhaps it gives me a sense of control during a season when I obviously have no control…perhaps it is really nothing more than some obscure inside joke between me and God, that He be reminded of things that obviously wouldn’t escape His notice. All I know is, walking on water has got to be a tricky business.

Yet there was Peter, accompanied by the other disciples, waiting to hear the invitation. Part of me wonders if Peter was perhaps a bit Jealous that Jesus got to walk on water…or maybe it was just the complete wonder he had in seeing something so out of the ordinary take place that he wanted to be a part of it…whatever the reason, Peter was the only one to take those steps.

Some translations of the Bible make it sound as if Jesus is scolding Peter for his lack of faith, which is probably why I chose to use the “New Living Translation” in quoting this passage. I don’t think Jesus scolded Peter, I think He was proud of Peter for trying. I always get the image of Jesus helping Peter back in the boat and giving him a fatherly pat on the back. Peter had just done what no one other than God could do, and though certainly it was the power of God that sustained Him, it was Peters trust that caused him to leave the safety of the boat in exchange for a bleak uncertainty accompanied only by the approaching presence of God.

In thinking about this, I can’t help but remember the story of Abraham, and when God first placed His call on Abrahams life.

“The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you.” – Genesis 12:1

God had called Abram to leave behind his life in exchange for something unknown…yet he went…not knowing the destination, not knowing how long the journey might be, and not knowing what he would do once he got there. Abram was not blameless in everything he did. He lied a lot, and didn’t always trust God…Yet in Isaiah 41, God refers to him as his friend, and James pointed out that Abraham believed God, and it was accredited to him as righteousness.

It’s hard to find a person God used in the bible other than Jesus that was blameless. In fact, the Bible goes to great lengths to list the weaknesses of each person. Moses walked with God, yet he killed a man before leaving Egypt, tried to persuade God to use somebody else in confronting Pharaoh, and later disobeyed God and thus forsook his right to enter the promised land.
David was a man after Gods own heart yet committed adultery, got her pregnant, and then tried to cover it up but eventually sent her husband off to the front lines in battle to die in order to keep his sin a secret. Samson was called to conquer the philistines but spent most of his days ordering his parents around and chasing women. Peter loved Jesus and knew who He was, and yet denied Him three times.

My point being that Peter wasn’t righteous because he knew about Jesus, and he wasn’t righteous because he tried to be a good person. He was righteous because he believed God, and he trusted that if Jesus said it was okay to step out onto the water, then it was okay to step out onto the water.

You might be in a place today where you feel like all you are doing is treading water…Perhaps you are still trying to muster the courage to get out of the boat…whatever your circumstance is today, know this: God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He has not changed His intentions toward you, and He has not given up on you. He knows that it takes great boldness to trust in Him in a world that puts so much stock in ones own abilities, yet God is promising greater things for anyone who is willing to join in what He is doing.

I imagine that Peter often looked back on his experience that night with great joy, knowing that he had been invited to be a part of something special, and though it only lasted a few moments, it was a moment that he would cherish for the rest of his life.

- Matt

I can get more out of God by believing Him for one minute than by shouting at Him all night. – Smith Wigglesworth

Yesterday while making my usual "run to Wal-Mart to grab a few things" adventure, I decided to browse the school supply section in the front in hopes of finding my long sought after pencils, that for a time, only Wal-Mart carried.
I'm not sure why I love these pencils so much...perhaps it is because the grip is smooth instead of rigid...but I am convinced that the lead is different as well. I discovered them a few years back and now have next to no interest in buying any other brand or type of pencil. They are called "Black Warrior" and are made by Mirado.
I don't know why, but it has become painfully obvious that Wal-Mart no longer carries these pencils. Every time I go...I look...and I come away empty handed.
This has almost become a game for me. I now look in every single store I go to in hopes that they might carry it, and while I did find some in a Publix in North Nashville several months ago, that was the last time I've seen them.
I have one pencil left...

Moving on. While hopelessly searching for my pencils, I came across a great deal on notebooks...not computers...paper. I did not go to Wal-Mart for paper, but I had no choice but to buy four spiral notebooks....15 cents each...it isn't spontaneous if it costs less than a dollar right?

I love new notepads almost as much as I love new drawing pads. I can't tell you how many half used drawing pads I have...yet I always feel a renewed sense of purpose when making my first sketch...when drawing my first line...and it would appear that my best work always occurs on the first page of a new drawing pad.

There is something refreshing about starting over.
Like cracking open the first page of a new book, or moving into a new place physically or spiritually...
I remember how I used to look forward to my first day back at school when I was a kid...a feeling I assure you, that quickly wore off.
The excitement of starting a new job, or the joy of splashing paint on a new canvas.
A new journal...a chance to move past seasons, and to gently scribe the present hopes and dreams, vowing to always remember these moments to come that will no doubt shape us and prepare us for the next journal to come.

I think we were meant to embrace new beginnings, after all, this is what life is about. Even death is a beginning of sorts. Change is the only constant we can count on (other than the goodness of God), and with change comes a sort of releasing freedom that allows the past to be the past.
There are years behind me that I am so thankful to be rid of...
There are days behind me that seemed to cripple my ambition, and slowly fade into gray, only to be replaced by a new day...a day that promised a new beginning and a chance to leave behind the sorrow, pain, and regret of yesterday.

In the same way, I think God delights in giving us "new beginnings". In giving us new pages to scribble on, and new chances to experience His redeeming, restoring, ever compassionate grace. After all, isn't this what grace is about? It's about putting our past behind us and moving forward. It's about not being righteous in ourselves but rather understanding that Christ has attributed to us His righteousness...therefore the filth and grime of our past need not effect our tomorrow...
As one of my favorite verses, Titus 2:11 says, "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age".

Thank God for His grace...for His patience...for His tolerance...and for His ability to replace our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26)!
My prayer is that He captures your heart today, and that you would have the sense to let all the mud and mire of your past mistakes and rebellion melt in His presence. Grace didn't appear so that we could have an easy way out...grace appeared for the sole purpose of bringing us closer to God...

A new spiral notebook sits alone, unopened. Within it are possibilities undreamed of...stories untold...This is not a continuation of the last notebook, it is something new. You may abandoned your first love years ago...and you may have chosen to reject God...yet He has not rejected you. Perhaps you've been running your whole life, altering your story some to ease the pain, erasing parts you don't like...scribbling over areas you refuse to acknowledge. Some pages have become so dirty that you can't even make out the story that once was written there...And with it comes feelings of abandonment, and lack of purpose...
You may have given up on the hopes and dreams you once had...you may have reasoned yourself into a corner...and you might have done everything you once told yourself that you'd never do...
I don't know your story...but I know mine. I don't know what you've been through...but I know what i've been through. And I don't know your need for a savior..but I know my need for a savior...
Isn't it time you stop running from the sound of your heart?

- Matt

Have you ever taken a walk on a nature trail? Nothing paved, nothing flat...sticks, and roots litter the path with the occasional hill that causes your legs to burn and your strength exhausted as you press on knowing that relief comes at the top? Have you ever reminded yourself in the middle of such a hike that if you keep going forward, the walk back will be that much longer? I do that often.
I wonder if that is how the Israelites felt upon leaving Egypt, the only life that they had known. I wonder if they kept reminding themselves that the further they travel with this Moses guy, the longer it will take to get back home. I wonder if they ever truly believed that Moses was taking them to the land flowing with milk and honey.
They saw plenty of signs, they had witnessed the wonders of God, and had been delivered through a powerful display of His power and capabilities...Yet they kept forgetting...they kept complaining...and they kept referring to Egypt as if it had been some wonderful paradise that they should have never left.
Forget the red sea parting, forget the manna falling from the sky, and forget the water that flowed from rocks...
They missed their comfort...they missed their certainty. At least things in Egypt were predictable...
They had grown up with the slave mentality...and they couldn't fathom what it meant when God told them that He desired them to be a nation of priests...They couldn't fathom what the extent of God's promise was...that He was going to give them a land they did not cultivate, and that they would reap what they did not sew. They did not understand that God was wanting to restore their dignity, and to lead them to a place that they could rest and exist in God's provisions and protection.
Forget the cloud by day and the fire by night...Forget the awe of His presence as he descended on Mt. Sanai in a cloud with thunder and lightning...forget the way Moses' very appearance burned with the glory of God. They could not look at him, they insisted he cover his face. They did not want to see the glory...they had no question as to whether or not God existed, yet they refused to enter such a terrifying presence.
God said I want you to be priests, they said, "we're good down here Moses..."...God wanted them to worship Him alone, they said, "Aaron, Moses has been gone too long...make us an idol so that we can worship that instead..." God wanted them to know Him, but they were content simply knowing about Him...God wanted, in the same way He did with John, to call them up higher and to show them the things to come...Yet they refused to go...

Perhaps they had the same restlessness that we have today...perhaps, somewhere deep inside there was a curiosity to see more, to experience more, to do more...Yet it was hidden...it was buried...and they longed for the days when they didn't have to trust God, but they could trust their oppressor...Perhaps this is why we are so often referred to as sheep...and why we need spiritual leaders to continue to direct us and usher us in to the presence of God.
God promises better pastures, yet this is where we have grazed...God promises a higher calling, yet we care more about tending to our own affairs....God promises life abundantly, yet we are satisfied with the life we already have (all the while suppressing the part of us that jumps at the very thought of a more meaningful, abundant life).

I think the ability to oppress our deepest desires is one talent we all tend to exercise. We have become quite civilized in our approach to family, society, and religion, as if it's God's desire for us is to live nice, tidy, predictable lives here on Earth.
We should know better. We should understand that every "good and perfect gift, comes from Him"...that our very desire...or rather ability to seek God is a gift in itself.

I have learned in recent years to appreciate the journey I am on, and to find rest in knowing that God is still my provider...I feel wealthy beyond measure though my resources seem dried up...I am excited for tomorrow, and all the possibilities it brings, yet so thankful for today.
I will always remember these days spent in the desert as a time of great joy and thanksgiving. I am so thankful for the peace we've had throughout this transition, and I am so blessed by the privilege God has granted us to go up to new levels, and to experience his glory in new, and at times overwhelming ways. I am thankful for God breaking my heart for the things that break His...and I am thankful for a summer of victories as we move forward in confidence, knowing that God has gone before us and prepared the way.

My status update yesterday on Facebook was a quote i came across by Erwin McManus that says: "It is not the place, but the presence that sustains you"...Israel failed to appreciate the presence, and thus longed for a place that was far from God's heart. May God lead us to the places He has prepared for us, as we seek His face and delight ourselves in His presence.

"To be filled with the Spirit of God is to be filled with dreams and visions that are too compelling to ignore." - Erwin McManus

Live your life.

- Matt

Yesterday I had the joy of speaking with a dear friend. A conversation that was quite overdo.
God was glorified as we spoke of the struggles and victories, the pain and the healing, and the things to come. It was rewarding to reflect on how far we had both come, and to take note of the shifting seasons and how a new season was approaching for many of us vagabonds that spoke of fulfillment and stability.
It's good to know that something significant is going on and that we are caught up in it.

My dear friend spoke of her recent missions, and her increasingly passionate heart to help people. Then she mentioned that she has become very interested in "digging wells".

This morning, during my devotional time, I was reminded of this statement. I remembered what she had said about how important wells were in bringing clean water to villages, and how it really didn't take all that much to dig them.

I asked God this morning what it would take to bring clean water to the church; He replied, dig a well.

To dig a well, it requires one to get dirty. It also requires specific tools to accomplish the task. Many times churches hope to bring revival to their city by scratching at the surface, and then walking away before fresh water is actually found. It can be hard work. It can test our patience, and trust. It can at times seem too great a task to do.
If we want the fresh waters of revival in our churches, it needs to be done. We need not grow faint or exhausted during the dry season, but instead focus on the breakthrough. That point in which all the work pays off and the fresh water of God's anointing and liberating spirit finally have the outlet to move through the rocks and crevices.

The key to digging this well by the way is to ask yourself: "how thirsty am I?" Do you truly want what is buried underneath all the years of religion and customs? Do you want the "living water" Jesus spoke about? Or are you content without it? Dr. Pepper (although quite delicious...especially with a splash of cherry in it from Sonic) is a poor alternative for water and only causes more thirst, in the same way that religion is a poor alternative for the true source of God's glory. Sometimes I think we are just as happy lapping the water off the floor of our churches than we are actually being bathed in the true presence of our king. We get so close to that spring of life and for some reason grow weary and give up before any real breakthrough occurs.
Are you thirsty?

We need to lay down our glory at the feet of Jesus, lay down our status on the steps of the alter, grab a shovel, and start digging. Just as a whole village and the quality of life there-in can be greatly effected by a new outlet for fresh water to flow, so can our churches, and our cities, and our nations be greatly effected by creating new outlets for God's presence to flow...

Let's not settle for neat, tidy religion; instead, let's get dirty, let's work tirelessly, let's aim for that breakthrough...and when that breakthrough happens, let's rejoice and bathe ourselves in the fruit of our labor, as God's spirit begins to bring life to all that was once dead.

"When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." - Colossians 3:4

- Matt

Two years ago, I was trusting God.
I had met the woman of my dreams a year before. My hesitancy and skepticism melted away as I found myself within only a four month time, engaged and planning for a life with this amazing woman.
We had left California in late April and moved to her hometown of Rockford, MI where I slept on a leaky air-mattress for most of the summer as I tried to find employment. Going into it, it had seemed like it would be an easy transition. I assumed that I would find a ministry position somewhere, after all, this is what I had been groomed for all of my life.
Instead of an easy transition during one of the most exciting and hopeful times of my life, I found roadblock after roadblock, and frustration after frustration.
For starters, Michigan was already well into it's "statewide recession"...and though my wife's mother recruited for an employment agency, the best I could find was factory work, making eight dollars an hour.
The first job I held involved assembling latches...the second, packaging salad dressing and yogurt, which required me to drive about twenty miles each night and work the graveyard shift. Needless to say, I was wearing thin, and at times, lacked the energy or strength to diligently seek the Lord.
I tried to keep a positive attitude, but it was obvious that God was shutting doors there and wanting us to go elsewhere. So we chose Tennessee.

What got me thinking about this was in realizing that it was around the middle of July that my Olivia had to be rushed to the Emergency room and undergo major surgery. It was a week I will always remember....just five weeks before our wedding, no job, no insurance, and suddenly, no way to get to the place we felt that we should be. It all happened so quickly...
I remember sitting in the waiting room while she was being operated on and yelling at God in my head...it was like all my frustrations from the previous months were coming out, and I wanted God to know that I wasn't ready to lose her and that I wasn't strong enough for Him to take her away from me.
The surgery had taken about an hour longer than it was suppose to, as I paced the floor, waiting to hear anything about what was going on. I kept getting phone calls from worried friends, and family members, and in between calls, I was having a rather interesting dialogue with God about why He needed to make sure that Olivia stayed alive. I fought back tears, and tried my best not to think of the many possibilities of things that could go wrong...
I remember when the two surgeons came out and sat down beside me...I remember the load that was immediately lifted, and the deep breath I took as they told me that she was fine and in recovery...I remember sitting back in the chair staring at the ceiling, as I took it all in all. I also remember apologizing to God for my little meltdown and thanking Him for keeping my bride safe.
In looking back, I'm so glad that God is kind. I'm so glad that God is patient and tolerant, and that He is wise enough to not take everything we say personal.
I spent the next two weeks helping her recover, while trying to devise a new plan that would allow us to finally go where God was calling us to go. Since I hadn't been working, we no longer had the money to afford a uhaul, let alone gas, and time was running out. So we did the only thing we knew to do, and that was pray.
Finally, one night, after praying one of the most honest and sincere prayers of my life, I received a phone call. It was from a couple in our small group from church that we had only met once. They told us that they heard about our situation and wanted to help in whatever way they could...A week later, we were on our way to Tennessee. Three weeks later I started working...and a week after that we were married.

Here we are, two years later. The circumstances are different, but the situation is quite similar. We know that we are no longer meant to stay here...and we are waiting for God to direct us...We know that the next move will be big...and we are literally on the edge of our seats waiting for it to happen...waiting to see what God does.
This seems to be a yearly process for us...and sometimes we ask God why it is that He constantly tests our faith...why He always feels the need to test our trust and our resolve?
The thing is, even though it can be tiring and frustrating to never know what is next, we also count it as such a blessing that God continues to prove Himself through our lives...How, by us trusting Him, He has had the freedom to meet all our needs, and has caused us to constantly boast in Him.

I am so grateful for the journey He has placed me on...for the timely answers that have resulted in powerful testimonies to help others learn to trust and rely on God as well. I am confident in the provisions of my Lord, and though we don't have the answer yet as to what the next part of our lives will entail, we do know that God is faithful, and we look forward to being amazed yet again.

- Matt

"Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever." - Psalm 125:1

“I believe there is no doctrine more dangerous to the Church today than to convey the impression that a revival is something peculiar in itself and cannot be judged by the same rules of causes and effect as other things.” – Billy Sunday

I have been writing a lot these past few weeks about the thrill of standing on the banks of the Jordan River and the expectancy of walking into the promises of God. I am still there…standing…waiting…yet

Yesterday, while flowing with the holy spirit, my Pastor spoke of getting our feet wet on the banks of the Jordan River.
Thank the Lord for His confirmation!

Over and over again I am reminded of God's goodness, and God's faithfulness. Even this morning as I sit alone in my living room waiting for my family to wake up, I can't help but smile knowing that I get yet another day to be with them, to lead them, to love them.
I was thinking this morning about how little I had expected from God in this department. Part of me always wanted to have a family, but I always wondered if it was going to happen, and if it did...would it be great?
The answer is a resounding yes! It is wonderful. It is beyond words...beyond understanding...nothing that I deserved.

Thank God for His mercies that endure forever. Thank God for His patience and tolerance, which has led me to where I am today. Thank God for His wisdom and guidance that led us to an oasis for purposes I am only now starting to see.
Thank God for His promises...that I am able to boldly approach tomorrow because He is faithful today.
And thank God for mornings like this, accompanied by worship music, coffee, and an awareness that the best is yet to come.

"The people who walk in darkness, will see a great light. Those who live in dark land, the light will shine on them. You shall multiply the nation, you shall increase their gladness; They will be glad in your presence, as with the gladness of harvest, as men rejoice when they divide spoil." - Isaiah 9:2,3

<!--[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 <![endif]-->What does it mean to fear god?
When I was younger, the thought that would have come to mind is one cowering under the pews as God moved about the room; someone who was in terror and complete disarray. Today I know better.

When King Solomon said that “to fear God is the beginning of wisdom”, he was speaking from experience. Obviously we know that King Solomon was wise, as 1 Kings chapter 3 tells us the story of how Solomon, when asked of God as to what he wanted, replied simply that he wanted “an understanding heart so that I can govern your people well and know the difference between right and wrong”. While I am not going to go into all that King Solomon did or gain from this wisdom, just the very notion that a wise man would say that “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom” should give us reason to listen and believe.

Sometimes it is hard to understand what it means to truly fear God. Some even go so far as to refuse the text and state that if God wanted us to fear Him, then there is no love in God…for doesn’t love conquer fear? Are not love and fear polar opposites? Love being the “freedom” we so long for, and fear being the “condemnation” that binds us and forces us to stay where are. How could God want us to fear Him and then turn around and say that He loves us? No, as some Gnostics say, “To not fear God, is the beginning of wisdom”.
To those critics, let me ask a question: What would have Israel’s quest out of Egypt been like if God had not been able to strike fear into the hearts of the Egyptians as well as the neighboring kingdoms? Would God have had as famous a name had Pharaoh simply listened to Moses, and with great compassion for the suffering of the Israelites, simply let them go?
Sometimes it’s hard to understand why God would allow so many people to suffer. The plagues he brought upon Egypt, He did so as punishment for Pharaohs stubbornness, that He himself had caused. The Egyptians not only went through plague after plague, but they also lost their first born sons. Didn’t God love the Egyptians? Of course God loved them, but they became what is phrased today as collateral damage. They were what Jonathon Edwards called “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God”, and though it wasn’t “Fair” what happened to them on account of Pharaohs hardened heart, it was necessary.
Due to the plagues, the destruction of Pharaoh and his men in hot pursuit, and the red sea parting, nations trembled at the very mention of the God of Israel. His fame had spread so quickly, that at first, no one wanted to touch them, and only the arrogant tried. I wish all of these things would have had a greater impact on the Israelites as well, as it appears only Moses, Joshua, and Caleb actually developed a sense of who God is and had faith that there was nothing too great for Him. The rest became grumblers, complainers, and accusers as they circled the mountain wishing they had stayed in Egypt and only fearing the Lord in short lived moments usually following something great that God had done.

To fear God is to understand that even though God loves to give the “good and perfect gifts” Paul talks about, He could also, just as easily, take it away. With the exception of two (Joshua and Caleb), and those under 20, the entire nation of Israel that was on the march to Canaan, never got there. It took them two years to approach the Promised Land, and instead of going in and possessing it with the confidence of knowing that God has already gone before them and prepared the way, they allowed their fear of giants to overthrow their confidence in God.
While I could preach a dozen sermons on that last sentence alone, I think it is important to realize that God was wanting to give that generation the land promised to their forefathers. God had chose that generation to receive His blessings, and instead of fearing God, they feared man, and thus never walked in the blessings God had for them.

The fear of God is not hiding under a pew or trembling at the name of God, the fear of God is fully understanding and appreciating what God can do, and thus moving forward with confidence knowing that your allegiance is with the king.
In a successful kingdom, people feared their king because of the power he had over them. That does not mean that whenever he was near they would run and hide for fear of him having a bad day and lobbing off a few heads on his way to the palace (remember, I said successful kingdom). Good kings were not only respected, but also loved. A good picture of this is in the movie “Gladiator” where the people loved and admired Emperor Marcus Aurelius but had no allegiance or love for his son, and murderer, Commodus, as was illustrated in the final scene where the people carried away the body of Maximus, but left the dead Emperor behind.

To fear a king, or in this case emperor, is to know that he has the power and authority to take everything you have, including your life, but will only exercise such powers when you break the law, or are proven less than loyal in allegiance. So many times, we try to serve God, but part of our allegiance or passion is elsewhere. We look the part, but we continue to run over to the enemies camp when we think no one is watching and partake in pagan worship of things that God sees as detestable…then we run back to God, mouth a few words of forgiveness, throw our hands up in worship, and expect God to bless us.

True repentance is always accompanied by true remorse and always followed by decisive action. Sometimes it’s not easy to leave behind the influence and the culture that we took part of while in the enemy’s camp, and more times than not, it takes more than we have to give, yet the bible says that God rewards those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6) and I think part of that reward is His help in overcoming that which tries to distract your heart from true allegiance. The key is to “diligently”, or as some versions say, “earnestly” seek Him. Jeremiah 29:12 says that “If you seek me you will find me, if you seek me with all your heart”.

God is moving into new territory in this present age we live in. We have been brought to the streams of the Jordan, and on the other side is Canaan, a land, though not without its own obstacles, promised to us by the same God who brought Israel out of Egypt, flowing with milk and honey. There are some who will fear the waves and strong current, others who will fear its depth…The age of lukewarmness is over, either we’re with God or we’re not…Either we believe that God can do what He says He can do, or we don’t. Either we move into the blessings of God, or we stay in the desert…

What is wiser? To stay where we are, where at least we have a roof over our heads…or to fear God enough to follow Him into greater things than we could ask or hope for? You can play it safe in your complacency all you want, but my bags are packed and I’m ready to cross that stupid river…

It’s time.

Allow me to start off by saying that I really wanted to like this movie. I even engaged it as I would a great movie, laughing where I was suppose to laugh, and trying to enjoy it as the thrill ride it no doubt was intended to be.
I thought, how could they go wrong? It’s three times bigger than the last movie…three times more robots, three times more explosions…Perhaps even three times more plot. What I found out was, though it certainly had more robots and more explosions, the main thing it was “big” in happened to be how far they reached to appeal to just about every audience imaginable.
Michael Bay is great at directing popcorn flicks that are enjoyable and far-reaching, and I was impressed with the first Transformers film in that it took a plot that should have only been enjoyable to twelve year old boys and adults like me who grew up watching the original transformers cartoon, and made it appealing to a lot of people. My wife even sort of liked it…which is saying a lot…trust me. It appears that in this film, he tried so hard not to make a sucky sequel; by playing it safe and making sure there were elements in there for all audiences.
The dialogue might be a bit better in this movie than the previous one, but the plot was clearly written to twelve year olds…though even that might be offensive to a lot of them. The action was intense, and I loved watching Prime take on three Decepticons at once with the same joy I had in watching Yoda yield his lightsaber for the first time (total geek moment there…moving on), and there were certainly great fight scenes sprinkled throughout. The effects were great and perhaps even improved from the first one, and there were still great moments of humor. All the elements were there to make a great film. Even the plot had potential (the original plot wasn’t even that great), unfortunately it wasn’t executed well, and the bulk of the story fell quite flat.
I have a feeling that Michael Bay rushed through this project, giving little attention to what typically makes his films great…that being the “fun factor”. Sure it was exciting to see all the effects and great action, but the direction this film took is right out of the “movie making playbook”, meaning that they took every theme that had worked to move or entertain an audience in previous films, and decided to force it all into one movie…We have the “party movie” element, and with it naturally all the crude humor you could want…or not want, in a film. At times it felt like I was watching an Adam Sandlers film, considering that he tends to take what might be an enjoyable film and throw random bits of crude humor in that are unnecessary and perhaps even juvenile. I don’t really want to watch a dog humping anything…and I certainly don’t want to watch a robot doing the same.
They tried to appeal to the women…and those slightly girly men in the audience with the “Will he tell her he loves her?” plot, then it reaches for the “father and son” connection, all while throwing in tons of sex appeal, action, drama, comedy…and what the heck were they thinking when they repeated the mistake Lucas made with adding Jar-Jar-Binks to his “Star Wars” films, by adding their own annoying characters in the form of hip hop talking robots whose banter could have been funny but quickly became annoying.
With all of this, I still enjoyed the film…until the crux of the movie was revealed in a vision of Sam standing before what I can only assume are “spirit robots” of Primes gone past, and realizes that he has a destiny, and was in fact always meant to fulfill that destiny. I don’t know how many times we have seen this plot creep up in films, and while we tolerated it in “Star Wars” and “The Matrix”…and perhaps even embrace it in “Harry Potter”…but why does it need to be in “Transformers”? It was almost like they realized their plot was struggling so they thought, “Hey, let’s go ahead and throw in the destiny storyline as well to maybe give it more substance!”
I for one, wanted to throw something at the screen. I still do.
Lastly, this film just wasn’t as fun as the first one. I still enjoyed it, and I have already asked my wife if she can get me the DVD for my Christmas present, but all in all, I was a little disappointed with it. I’m sure it will do well, and I’m sure there will be a third, I just hope in the next film, Bay and the rest of the film-makers can decide on a target audience and stick with it. I mean sure, you’re stuck with developing a plot based on metamorphic alien robots, but you don’t need to always use the same actors, and you don’t need to make it appeal to twelve year olds, trust me, it already does. How about writing a script that is actually intelligent? I know this is one of those movies in which you are expected to check your brain in at the door...so perhaps I am being a bit harsh, but this was, in my opinion, the dumbest film I have seen in quite a while. I had hoped for more coming from such a great director…and hope that next time they don’t waste my time with trying to make it more than it was intended to be; that being a high energy action film intended to excite kids, thrill adults, and give us an escape from normalcy. I don’t expect such a film to inspire me or change my life…and to add plot intended to do just that is just a lame attempt at being something it was never meant to be.

Yesterday, while digging through my sons closet looking for a couple of lost DVDs, I stumbled upon a book that I had purchased a few years back titled "To Cross the Jordan" by J. Doug Stringer. I had heard Mr. Stringer speak during a Sunday night gathering during my second school with YWAM and I knew that this book would be significant (even though I don't remember being all that impressed with the message given that night).
I have started reading this book on several occasions but never stayed with it. It, like many books in YWAM, was not written by a "writer" but rather a "minister of the gospel". Certainly you can be both a writer and a minister of the gospel as I aspire to be, but being a minister does not necessarily guarantee that you're going to be a good writer. It was kind of like picking up a copy of "Black Belt Patriotism" by Chuck Norris, as I did a few months back at my local Library. Sure, Mr. Norris had a lot to say, but I didn't get past the first chapter because the writing just wasn't interesting enough. It was too basic, too shallow, and too obvious.
Anyway, I stumbled across this book, and immediately something in me said that "now is the time to read it". This "something" made a lot of sense. The idea of crossing the Jordan (which obviously stems from the journey the Israelites had to make in order to enter the promised land) is one that I have related to for quite a few months now. Just like the Israelites, when given the word, started marching toward the Jordan, my last few months have been just that.
I knew, as I said in my previous blog, that this year would be significant, and I knew that there was purpose in these past months. No longer was I busy with trying to survive and circling the mountain, suddenly I was busy with setting my sights on things ahead and moving toward the place that God had been preparing for me.
I have only read about three chapters so far, and though the book itself hasn't necessarily changed my life yet, I do think it has helped me realize the expectancy I have for the things to come. I keep looking for the sea to part, and I keep watching for the path that will lead me there...not with doubt, or curiosity, but with certainty.


"In Peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety" (Psalm 4:8)
"Ask of me, and I will surely give the nations as your inheritance, and the very ends of the earth as your possession." (Psalm 2:8)

It won't be long...in the words of Bob Dylan, "I feel a change comin' on". It's almost time...the winds are starting to blow...can you feel it? Don't be afraid to get your feet wet...and don't get discouraged by the current...our God is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20 NLT)

- Matt

It's Monday morning...
I woke up at 6:30 as I normally do. Thinking about making some coffee...
My son is officially eight months old today. He's going to start crawling soon, but is more interested in walking. It has been a great joy to watch him grow...and oh what personality!
My bride is still asleep. I can't sleep past seven, she tends to sleep in. It's a talent that I envy.
I'm excited about this week.
I feel a sense of expectancy...a willingness to be amazed.
It has been a long four months since I had a real job.
In looking back, I know I used my time well, and I'm thankful that my wife and I have both had peace through this process.
Back in January we both knew that this year will be significant for us. Our pastor also echoed this notion on several occasions. We are excited to be taken across that Jordan, and into the things of God.
Things are going to move quickly from here on out. "I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know Him." (Thanks Leah for writing that wonderful verse!)
I know that things are coming together, and though it has been a long process, and my patience might be getting a bit strained...I also know that I serve a good God, and what He has for me and my family is something incredible.
This week, I am going to be seeking God more.
I have found a church that I really want to be a part of. A church that completely fits the bill of what I've been looking for. The very thought of serving there is such a rewarding one, and though I certainly can't force God to do anything, I am certainly filling God's ears with my petitions. In about a week I will have an actual interview, and though the competition seems tough for this position, I am hoping that the favor of God rests on me through this process.
I don't mind cold weather...I almost prefer it to this blistering heat we're experiencing right now. :)

Life is good, and in the end, all I can be is ready. I have emptied my hands and am now ready to receive.
Please pray for me through this process. Please pray that God makes known to me this week what His next step for me might be, and please pray that we have the sense to do whatever needs to be done in readying ourselves for the ministry ahead.

I can't wait to give the report of what God is going to do...

- Matt

I had my doubts at first...after all, I am approaching thirty, and I haven't had to keep up with the insane energy levels of teenagers for a couple of years. I wondered if my body would be able to handle it, and just thinking about it made me tired.
I knew it would be a great week, and had nostalgia about previous camps where I had served and how brilliantly God moved. Being an AG camp I knew that it would be an incredible experience. The thought of being absent from my wife and son for five days did not thrill me...but that was a given and a small price to pay.

I was surprised...perhaps even shocked to realize that I not only had enough energy to keep up with the teens...but I was one of the most energetic, spirited people in my group. Since this was an AG camp, each group was divided up into teams, and since the group I took was small this year, we were placed with another church (comprised mostly of Jr. High students) and became the "black team"...or "The Black Mambas" if you will. The odd part was (and maybe this was due to the other church not having their actual youth pastor with them and instead having four leaders all over the age of forty)that our team lacked a lot of spirit and excitement. We had teams all around us chanting their names, and I nearly threw out my voice trying to get somewhat of a reaction out of our group!
We still don't understand how we got first place for the week...but I think it was an act of charity due to the fact that we kept getting stepped on by High School students in all of the games.

We were blessed with the ministry of Ron Rhoads and saw the majority of the campers greatly effected and benefited by the unique, and quite powerful testimony that Ron shared with them. I recognize that what Ron Rhoads does, I can never do. His story of struggle and pain is one that I wouldn't wish for anyone, let alone myself, and was so blessed to see a man who has gone through so much (and still is), being using by God to reach into the darkest and most secretive areas of shame and struggle. I don't think it was a coincidence that I was already reading the book of Job in my study time. I used to be afraid to be as devoted to God as Job was, because I feared God allowing everything in my life to fall apart all for the sake of proving the devil wrong, but what I saw in Ron Rhoads was something beautiful. I saw where God took what was meant for destruction and turned it around for good, and in doing so found a vessel that had the right to speak into pain and suffering because he had already been there.
It also broke my heart to realize that so many of the teens there had also experienced great pain...whether it was abandonment issues, or literally having been molested...it angered me to see how much the devil had stolen from these young people. I felt removed from the room as I watched the tear streaked faces running to the alter and seeking some type of wholeness. It was an incredible scene that I won't likely forget.

On the final night, during a wonderful night of thanksgiving for all that God had done through the week, God reminded me of a calling that I once held so dear, and a sense of urgency that I once couldn't contain. Ron spoke about "not missing our manger scene", which is to say that God chose Mary, but she could have refused and God would have found another Mary who was willing. I was reminded of what Jim Stier said when he spoke to my class at YWAM-Tyler. He said that "If you are not sure of your next step, start walking anyway. As long as you are moving forward, God will direct you as to which way to go". This obviously brought me back to what was spoken through prophesy a few weeks ago in my church that has continued to be repeated over and over since then, "There is only one way to go...forward".

So I'm moving forward...I'm hopeful...I'm expectant. I found it entertaining that I would actually have feelings of jealousy toward youth pastors at the camp because I was not one...and I know that God has been putting the pieces together. Soon, I'll see where my steps have been leading me, and I can't wait to add yet one more testimony to my growing list of victories as I trust God and am assured that it will be incredible.

Thank God for youth camp, and for moments spent in knowing that God is much bigger than any circumstances or obstacles we might face.

- Matt

About once a year I go through a phase in which I listen to Ray Stevens...a lot. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy putting his albums on from time to time, but once a year, for a few weeks, I go through all the songs I have of his (currently about 300) and I listen to them all.
For me, it is not just about the music, but also about remembering. Ray Stevens "Greatest Hits" album was the second album i ever owned (right after Michael Jackson's "Thriller"), and I'm sure my mother purchased this album for me thinking that I would appreciate the silly songs and what she calls his "twisted sense of humor". I did...and I never got over it. It only took a couple of years for my adolescent mind to realize that artists made more than one album and that Ray made even better songs than that which was featured on his "Greats Hits" albums.
Due to this revelation, I would always check every store we went to that carried music, to see if they had any other Ray Stevens albums, and because of that, I don't think I missed a single release from that point on.

I had the opportunity to see Ray in Branson, MO during the early nineties when he had his own theater located right off the strip. It was one of the most exciting moments I can remember from my youth, and while I was a bit disappointed that his live show mainly featured performances of his better known songs (with the exception of "You've Gotta Have A Hat", which was a fun-spirited song about Ray trying to change his image from comedian to "country hunk record star") I still enjoyed the show and find myself regretful even today that I didn't bother to stand in that long autograph line to meet him.

What I've come to appreciate about Ray Stevens in recent years is not only his talent as a songwriter, but also his heart as a voice deeply connected with the values and ideas of regular people. Sure, at times he's been a bit political with his songs, but even then, what could be considered his protest songs, were in all actuality, anti-protest songs. In a way, Ray's voice has often been used to bring people back to sensibility. Sure, at times he does it in a comedic fashion that has become the staple of his legacy, but lying beneath the jabs and punches, and beyond the characters that he and Buddy Calb have so brilliantly created, is a subtle truth that reminds us not only that we are human, but that we have, in some fashion, lost our way.

Perhaps the reason I keep going back to his music year after year is because part of me needs to laugh at things that seem so much out of my control, and the other part longs to reconnect with the truth of who we are, and why we are here.
There is a need for such a voice in this pluralistic, moral relativist society we live in today...and I'm thankful that Ray is there to fill that void with his humor and down to earth common sense.

It's late...I've been up since four...I had hoped to be asleep by now.
There is a phrase...and though I have never used this phrase in my life and don't believe that cliche's (though true as they are) need to exist in my day to day conversations, that says "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I don't think I realized how much I had come to love my child until I had to face an entire day without hearing his cooing, or his squeeling, or his crying. How I love to hear him giggling with his mother, or talking to himself as he plays with his toys...He is such a joy.

How could words describe the love I have for my bride? What she means to me. How blessed I am by her love, and support, and company. This is the first night since being married that I am sleeping alone; I never knew how empty a bed could feel. I was happy to send her and my son to North Carolina to visit friends, and I know that they will have a good time, but what a horrible idea to not go with them!

What I realized tonight is just how truly blessed I am. Blessed that this amazing girl said yes to marrying me, that our needs continue to get met, blessed that we have probably the most incredible baby ever created, and blessed that God is truly the foundation of our family and that the impossible always seems possible.

Just three more days until they come home...I think i'll survive. :)

- Matt

I had hoped to do a lot more today. Not that I knew what to expect, only that I knew it would take hard work, and dare I say, perseverance to get accomplished that which I am hoping to accomplish.
It's funny how life will always get in the way. I keep telling myself that if I had a steady job at the moment, I would be gone at least forty hours a week. Somehow we survived then, so why does it seem so difficult now to get away for half that and try to work on something that will, hopefully in the near future, provide us with a steady income? It seems doable, even plausible, and yet at the moment, impassible.

Over the past few weeks (Since being unemployed), my four and a half month old child has found it enjoyable to stay up late, and wake up early. I'm not sure why this is. All I know is that I don't know how to effectively take naps in the middle of the day, and I have this sense that there is so much to do and so little time...and when it does seem like I'm going to finally fall asleep, that is when my child decides it's time to wake up...so I've accepted this weariness...and yet I do not welcome it for it gets in the way of, yes...being productive.

Sadly, my job search has come to a pretty abrupt halt...and though I still check the job postings twice a day, I have not found anything that would be worth the time it takes to fill out an application. I have received zero call backs, and it seems that even the likely jobs, like my neighbor using me on occasion to help him hang gutters (apparently he owns a business or something), there is still no follow-through. It's frustrating, and yet I know that things are going to work out fine.
The truth is that I still feel very blessed. I feel as if God has released me in my creativity, and can still relax a bit knowing that I'm still getting unemployment, and we still have enough in the bank to last a while longer...but this is why I feel that I must be productive with my time...and this is why days like today, that result in little to show other than a clean kitchen and worthless sketches can be a bit disappointing, especially when I had set out this morning to do so much more.
Tomorrow should be better.

It is a rewarding thought that perhaps the time is now for everything that I have seemingly put off. That perhaps, out of this time of seeking, there will be birthed something great that will open many doors. The Lord has blessed my wife and I with vision and ambition...and we are moving forward together. I will be spending however much time I need on my knees seeking answers as we move further into this time of transition. I don't know where it leads, but I am certain that it is good, it is right, and it isn't going to be disappointing.
We have decided not to do things the worlds way...we have decided that during tough times, it is better to give more than before...and we have decided that trusting God is greater than trusting ourselves...we don't know where this road will take us, nor what doors will be open to us, all we know is that God is worthy of our trust and obedience, and that He has never given us any reason to doubt Him.
I get overwhelmed when I think of the things that need doing, and yet find peace when I realize that I am not alone in this process and that out of my perseverance and striving will come something exceptional, beneficial, and without a doubt, amazing.
Be prepared to be amazed...

- Matt

I am about half way through my third week of unemployment. Some people would enjoy this time a lot...and believe me, I do...but here's the thing, I'm not very good at not working. Sure I'm keeping busy with the whole job search and everything, and perhaps I've been discovering a lot of new bands lately and have been able to wiz by three entire seasons of Lost...and sure I've enjoyed my time with my wife and child...especially now that my son is over four months old and is definitely coming out of that awkward helpless baby phase and into the "I'm going to wreck everything in your house" phase...and all of these things are great...but I am without a doubt, definitely going stir-crazy.
I don't know how anyone does this...I don't know how Olivia did this for a year and a half...being home almost everyday...especially before the baby came...it is beyond me...but I'm about over this.
In a little while we'll be off to the park...probably for another photo-shoot with the baby...the folder that contained all the photos from the month of January alone was over 4 gigs...and it'll be fun...especially now that it's getting nicer...

Soon, I will have steady employment and I'll miss all this time with my family...but until then...I'll just keep bouncing off the walls and trying to find things to do.

- Matt

Welcome to my third week of being unemployed. What a journey it has been! I spent my first week sick with the flu, my second week filling out applications and sending out my resume', and now my third week doing the same as the second and praying for more direction in my job search. It's hard to be content and wait while I know that the tax return that we are living on won't last forever, but I am confident that something better is ahead, and I do have peace that things will work out for the better.
My hope is not in this economy, and my hope is not in my own abilities. My hope is in a God that has never let me down, and who has never given me any reason to doubt. A God who has blessed me far more than I ever thought I could be. A God who knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper and not to harm, plans for a hope and a future.

I never thought I would ever utter these words in my entire life, but God really spoke to me this past Sunday through a 4Him song that a few men at our church performed called "Great Awakening". For me it was a moment in which I knew that God was searching my heart and bringing to the front that which I want to see more than anything else, and that is a great outpouring of His spirit. It has begun at our church, a great and mighty move of God, and I believe that this year will be a significant year for the church, a great year in which the people of God begin once again to focus on what truly matters.
I studied briefly in YWAM about the first and second Great Awakenings that took place. These revivals helped to shape this country to be what it is, or at least what it was, and it was such a mighty move of God not centered in just one place like the "Brownsville revival" but something that happened corporately, around the world, wherever His church had been established. I believe that we are on the brink of the next great move of God, and I believe that there is a hunger that is rising up in Christians to seek the face of God rather than the hand of God.

I am hungry...I am yearning for the fulfillment that comes from being saturated in the presence of God. I am ready for signs and wonders, I am ready for fresh oil, I am ready to see God glorified and lifted up. During church on Sunday I saw myself in the throne room of God, so close to His glory, yet hiding in the shadows. Before service ended, I saw myself walking solemnly into the light, standing before the awesome glory of God. It was just me and God...and in me there was created a new boldness, a new certainty of who I was in God. A great awakening in me...a desire once hidden in my heart and now brought to the surface...a realization that I desire nothing more than to see, to know, to feel, to be overcome with the brilliant glory of God.

For what else matters? For what blessings do we require apart from knowing Him? So I'll wait on God...for my heart cries out louder than my head, and my hope is not placed in the carefully devised plans of man, but in that which man considers foolish, the wisdom and favor of God.

- Matt

It is late in the afternoon, the TV is off, and my wife, and four month old son are sleeping soundly on the couch across the room.
Been reading the blogs of my past, many on Xanga, a few on Myspace, every life changing event from the past four years recorded in some degree, like looking into a journal only with legible hand writing. I have ruined a lot of journals in my life by not being honest enough, or by obsessing over things too much. It's funny that, at least online, I was eager to be honest, and yet wise enough to be vague...
So here I am, one of the rare occasions that find me alone with my thoughts...and yet I know not what to say.

I guess an update would be good.
When my wife and I arrived here in Middle Tennessee a year and a half ago, I was blessed to land a job with decent pay, and benefits. Two weeks ago, I lost that job, not due to any fault of my own, it was a struggling company to begin with that had made some seriously poor decisions at the top. For a time it did seem like a secure job, but early this year we learned that they were going out of business, and I worked for them as long as I could, until finally they closed my location for good.
For the past week or so, I have been filling out applications and sending in resumes to just about every company I could think of, I am confident that I will find a good job even in a "struggling economy" because my hope isn't in the economy but rather in a God who has yet to let me down or give me reason to doubt. I'm aiming for something in management or at least something that offers training in something useful like HVAC or Forklift certification...we'll see what happens.

The only thing that has kept me from bouncing off walls these past two weeks of being unemployed has been the hours that Olivia and I have spent catching up on "Lost". We've been saying ever since we were dating that one day we would sit down and watch "Lost"...well, we just started season 4 today after staying up late last night to finish season 3...it is not an obsession....is it?

Lastly, we have been praying about getting back into ministry this year, and though I have no idea exactly what will come of this ministry search, we are excited to see where it takes us. I had the opportunity to preach at my church a couple of Sundays ago, and though I don't think I did as well as I would have liked to, it still felt good to be able to share with my church family that which God had placed on my heart...

- Matt