The New Year is almost upon us. I've grown a lot psychologically and emotionally. Yet my biggest hurdles are yet to be beaten; low self esteem, slef coubt and self sabotage.

My self image has a lot to do with these problems; I see an overweight, mentally disabled twenty three year old woman who has accomplished very little in life (though many say I have plenty of time), biting her fingernails down until they are sore, bathing twice a week and caring very little for her appearence.

Most of these things I have brushed off in the past, making myself believe it's me wanting to be comfortable my way; wearing sweat pants, baggy shirts and the like. But now I realise that my outer appearence is nothing more then a reflection of my inner feelings. I don't like this. Honostly, I feel like Schit, I don't want to be reflected this way. I want my outer appereance to reflect WHO I am, not HOW I feel.

These are the things I know about myself: I know I am Strong, I've been through a lot, many things outside of my control yet many more within it. I know I am Smart, the things I learn I am able to put into a 'real world perspective', seeing how and why they effect the world. I know I am Funny and Loveable, my humor is the source of much of my charm and my kindness towards others brings a smile to most. I am loyal, though tempted I may be to stray from a path, I never do so without all the facts; truth governs my loyalty.

For what I am NOT; I am Not a doormat, I've been used, abused, battered, broken and fell victim to the feeling of being the dirtiest filth on this planet. Yet, I have learned from it. I am NO ONES property, I can't be traded, borrowed, bought or sold. I am an individual with my own mind, will and way.

I am no ones' follower, I am my own leader. Yet neither am I anyone elses leader. Each must find their own path. There will be many teachers along that path, but none can follow you through it all. Most of this journey is done alone; but remember the lessons you have been taught by those teachers and your experiences, soon the journey will seem less rough.

Beggining in January, I am doing a rehash of my outer self, reflecting MYSELF instead of my feelings. By opening myself up once more to the possiblity of beauty, I hope and prey to the God and Goddes that I will open myself to my strengths once more.

Growing up is hard. It seems especially hard in a medium sized community of only a few hundred people. And, as people get older, they say being young was the easy part. Apparently, they are losing their memory. Maybe it is because I am still young enough to remember, yet old enough to know how hard being and adult really is. To me they are just about equal.
The only reason I say that is, I firmly believe youth shapes you. And I don’t mean the stupid mistakes made as a teen with drugs, alcohol and sex. I mean childhood. The things said, and done to you. The everyday trauma’s of little kid-dom. How else would you explain a child’s mental conditioning as they get older if not imprinted by a trauma?
Punishment. Especially physical and repetitive. A child learns many things through this. First, if someone does something that is considered “bad” or “naughty” or “against a rule” it is okay and accepted to punish them in this way. Second, they are taught to be fearful, not just of the person, but of breaking a rule. Any rule, for any reason, at any time.
Third, they feel helpless. When faced with a situation that may result in punishment in either case, they become disabled, unable to make a decision based on their fear, wanting someone else to make the decision, and just taking the consequences: letting someone else take the blame for their punishment.
Avoidance and passivism are another behavior learned. Knowing when to say “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” instead of stating individuality. Knowing when they are home or away, staying in your room, or staying after school to avoid confrontation.
All shape our personalities. We may see it in ourselves, we may wish to change it, but don’t know how. Therapy helps, but we can’t get over how harsh and deep these things are.
And then we have the indirect trauma’s of the psychological and emotional. They may not be intended, then again, maybe they are. The snide comments about a growing body; threats to physically harm you (this is especially hard if you have already gone through physical abuse ), Nothing seems to be good enough, and being pulled out of everything you’ve tried to do.
It is hard for me to explain what is learned from each thing listed. But the overall lesson learned, I believe, “you don’t behave, I will hurt you, do it my way, now. You didn’t do it right; you are disgusting and you can’t do it because I said. You will never finish anything.”
Fear. Negative body image. Negative self image. No control.
Now, I know self doubt is a big problem for me, and probably for many people out there. How can you overcome self doubt in adulthood when it was instilled by the traumatic event of a parents doubt in us?
Many stop trying to aspire. I know I did. I had many, many dreams. Owning a business. Being an artist, combining the two. Or opening a small tech school for teens who dropped out, who needed to work but wanted to learn a trade. And I had plans drawn out… Big plans… I had business plans on scraps of paper… and self doubt reared its ugly face. And my gusto fizzled out.
Now, as I thing on my beginning statement, I wish to revise my opinion. Maybe youth is slightly easier. Yes, you go through the trauma’s, but it is in adulthood you feel the pain, and live the longest with it.

The website answers.yahoo.com is nice thing to have... I think I'll add it as a link on my sites. I had a question about the Series Proposal, and I got answers! I was wondering if I should make the "chapter index" into a "book index" considering the proposal is for a series... this is the reply I got from musicimprovedme:

"You could do this, but more than likely the episodes in your books will be too detached to link as if they were chapters in a longer story...even if your characters are growing through a logical sequence or do consistent things as part of their personality.

Depending on age, I think children who read story books do remember and get to know their favs by repetition but not necessarily to see what happens to the character next, as in sequentially. They just want to go through another experience with the same character. Take the Junie B Jones or My Little Monster books for example...they are separate entities as stories but do follow a rough chronology of the character growing up and going through different things as they get older.

Still it does reek of marketability. If you tap into a fan base, they will be clamoring for your next release if you leave them hanging from book to book. Time those releases with the proper gift giving holidays and you will be a huge commercial success. You also would want to release them somewhat closer together than an adult reader who can wait...because a child might lose interest in you or forget. It would need the proper marketing because kids don't latch onto authors like adults do, I think parents sometimes do that for them but they latch onto characters more. A great way to do that is to include repeating titles or similar titles...has been done with all kinds of different stories. Harry Potter and the _____, Junie B Jones and the _____ is the title of all those books...or similar titles like Just Me and My _____. "


So, I hope this would answer anyone's similar question. If not, check out the website and ask for yourself!

Almost done the "mock up" of the first book in my series!!! if anyone is interested, you can view the first page on my jacketflap profile... I'm excited! Just need a little help with writing the Series proposal, and I'd be ready to go... any help out there? Thanks!

I've been asking a lot of questions on this one. I know the letter is
meant to be an introduction to you and your book, but the format has
me stumped. Business letter, personal letter (though I doubt this)...
how is it supposed to be put together?

I know this much though, the letter should consist of three to four
short paragraphs describing exciting aspects of your book and why it
is important. Describe your enthusiasm and explain why you should be
the one to write it. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? But I am stumped.
I think it's because I am scared of being refused for bad querying,
lol. Having written a rough one, I'll be asking some of the agents I
know on Jacketflap.com to give me some advice to better my querying
abilities. I'll let you know what they have to say!

P&E, a website designed to inform the new writer of frauds as well as well established agents/publishers/attorneys/editors.

Jacketflap.com, a website designed to give writers/illustrators/agents/publishers/teachers/librarians and the such a place to network and learn.

My fancy website is an effort to bring many of these great resources together.

My Yahoo! group is yet another way, another place to find and utilize this information.

My Blog is a place I share any new information I learn along the way.

I think I've remembered them all, if not, oops, I'll fix it!

I have some interesting websites and new information for new writers out there. P & E is a wonderful sight that checks things out for you, giving you recommendations as well as warning you about others. Jacketflap is the reason I have this blog, also the reason I've linked jacketflap, my website as well as my blog and Yahoo! group together. So please, comment, send me an email, any information, websites, etc that you may have is helpful to anyone reading these blogs. Also, just so everyone knows, I do repost information I get in other places, so be warned, lol!

shshtesting

I know, I'm new, so I'm going to be blogging a lot! It's just I've gotten all excited, do you know how many times I've already linked this thing to something? Lol, any way, I encourage all of you who read this to check out the links I've added; if they're not on here, there on one of them! TTYL

Well, here I am, a first time Blogger... and I mean EVER! Currently, I am working on Four (thats right folks, you read it right, 4) books, two childrens, two YA. Well, one of the childrens "books" is actually a series, but you get the drift, if I was counting each book... ugh, that would be too many to think about right now.

I am a pretty good writer, but I have never before been published, unless you count Poetry.com, and we all know they DONT count, don't we folks? haha. I know absolutely squat about the publishing industry and am trying to network with others in the industry, hoping to learn more. Currently, I am a member of jacketflap.com, my ID is 82much. Funny, huh? You can see some of my artwork as well as some rough illustrations.

Anyone who can help me out, that would be GREAT! I don't know the first thing about this industry, except that it has become more and more selective over the years, so its harder and harder to get published, especially without credentials. And I am not one to go out and "Self publish" just so I have a credential. Too much money blown there, lol. Any way, I'll keep people posted!