Here are the first pages submitted and critiqued by Agent Susan Hawk:
The Dream Pond – MG by Eileen Balesteri
“She’s not coming.” Emily whispered to Teague with a nervous fidget.
“You worry too much,” he said, gently patting the tops of her knuckles, still gripped tightly on the boat’s ledge.
Emily’s older sister, Abigail, lived by her own rules, always thinking outside of the box. That’s probably why she discovered the Dream Pond, first.
“She’s always late.”
“I know,” Emily said, “But this time feels different. We went straight to bed after our grandparents left Abbie’s birthday dinner, so she has to be dreaming by now, right?”
“Has anything changed at your house since last month’s full moon?” Teague asked. “No. We did everything the same as we always do. Abbie held me when we went to sleep, just like the first time she brought me here.”
Abigail had told her about the Dream Pond months before they discovered it was actually real. She described the peaceful, watering hole, inhabited by kids with different accents and unusual animals. When the magic of the place opened up, the wise owls would spout poetry, and the birds sang full operas in flight as they dipped and swirled in and out of the warm, clear water.
Abigail hadn’t really meant to bring her along that first time. Emily had been unable to sleep after watching a scary movie one night, so her older sister let her share her tiny, twin bed. They had no idea that her sister’s embrace would somehow pull Emily into Abigail’s dream, leading her to this extraordinary haven.
When Emily showed up at the Dream Pond with Abigail and the others that first night, they knew there was something special, something real about this place. That was when they decided to exchange addresses and numbers from their different homes all over the world.
Teague lived in England, and it was his letter that they received first in the waking hours.
Susan Hawk:
I liked the tension here, the anxiety that Emily is feeling as she waits for her sister is palpable. I’m also interested in Teague and Emily’s relationship. I have the sense that he’s older than she is, given that he’s reassuring her and trying to ease her anxiety. I’m intrigued by the idea of a Dream Pond, a meeting place for kids from across the world, who are then able to communicate in real life as well.
I’m confused about some of the mechanics of this place. I’m not sure how Abigail could have told Emily about the Dream Pond before knowing that it’s real. Did she dream, or imagine, it into existence? I’m also unclear how Emily traveled there the first time (by going into Abigail’s dream?), and if she still travels to the Pond in this fashion (if she must go via Abigail’s dreams, how can she get there before Abigail does?).
Though I’m curious about the answers to these questions, I think you might save explanations for later in your story. Here, in the opening, focus on the immediate problem that your character is facing, and what is motivating them in this moment, so that the reader connects to your story right away.
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Untitled by Barbara Gold
Black sky moved over us. Soon the moon would be h
Agent Susan Hawk at The Bent Agency has agreed to be our Guess Critiquer for June. Susan worked for over 15 years in marketing children’s books, most recently as the Marketing Director at Henry Holt Books for Young Readers, and previously as the Library Marketing Director at Penguin Young Readers Group. While at Penguin, she also worked for a time in Dutton Editorial, acquiring books for their list. Susan handles books for children exclusively: picture books, chapter books, middle grade and YA, fiction and non-fiction. In middle-grade and YA, she’s looking for something that makes her laugh out loud.
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Marcy Posner – Agent at Filio Literary Management. After fifteen years on the editorial side of the business, Marcy made the jump to agenting – spending twelve years as at the William Morris Agency as an agent and as Vice President and Director of Foreign Rights; five years as president of my own agency; five years at Sterling Lord Literistic as an agent and Director of Foreign Rights; and I’m now here – and very happy – at Folio.
Susan Hawk – Agent at The Bent Agency. She worked for over 15 yearsin marketing children’s books, most recently as the Marketing Director at Henry Holt Books for Young Readers, and previous to that as the Library Marketing Director
Thank you so much, Susan, for the valuable critiques! All of your comments are spot-on, and I will apply them to my work.
I really enjoyed reading the other first pages, as well. I find it so inspiring to read the different interpretations of the illustration.
I have to say, that after days of storm cleanup with down trees, no electricity and sweltering heat, it was a lovely treat to sign on see that you had critiqued my work!
Thanks again,
~Eileen Balesteri
I’m with you, Eileen
I’m always intrigued seeing how different people’s imaginations work in very different directions from the same illustration.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to enjoy a Free Fall Friday; they’re always so enjoyable and informative, thanks to the expertise of Kathy’s guest critiquers!
Thanks, Susan and Kathy
Thank you Susan, for your helpful feedback and suggestions on all the critiques. I would definitely move the story out of rhyme in another version. Submitting just 23 lines artificially condenses my normal narrative patterns!
Thanks also to Kathy for the fun challenge, and to Nancy for the illustration. I’d love to see this work as a page in a children’s calendar!
Cathy,
Thanks for submitting some this month.
Kathy
Donna,
You need to try July’s Picture Prompt.
Kathy
Eileen,
You were one of the people who didn’t have electricity? You poor thing. I was lucky this time. I kept my electricity, when so many people around me lost their power.
Kathy
You know, when I saw it I had the desire to do so! I just have to see if I get a good enough spark to push me to write it
There’s a definite “Mary Grandpre” feel to that illustration, especially the girl!