Just read a piece that Nia Vardalos is doing a movie sequel to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". As much as I really enjoyed this film - I've seen it many times - my play, "A Wedding" which could be described as a Jewish equivalent, is as funny if not more. Here's a taste and scene out of the play to see what I'm talking about and see if you agree. It's part of one of my favorite scenes - but then they all are. Some of the formatting has been lost cut and pasting and transferring from Word.
THE SCENE: At the Greenberg house. The bride and groom's family are meeting for the first time for dinner. Lenor, mother of David, groom-to-be, is on the snobby side unlike his father Charles who is down to earth. Meanwhile, Sadie, mother of the bride, Rachel, is middle-class and in competition with Lenor while husband, Morty, is realistic and down-to-earth like Charles. Morty has done a lot more than taste the wine as his mother, Sylvia, arrives unannounced. The leg of a dining room chair is broken.
SADIE
Excuse me people…what kind of person visits at this time of night?
SADIE EXITS
SADIE re-enters with her mother-in-law, SYLVIA
MORTY
(slurred speech)
Ma? Whad'ya doing here? I fought you were shtaying wiv Elaine until shummer
Can a mother visit her only son, without having to announce her arrival before? Maybe I should check into a hotel and come back tomorrow, since you have dinner guests. Are you drunk? My poor baby boy! See what living with you does to him, Sadie? The man has turned to liquor for escape. I warned you, Morty, what life would be like living with…her
SADIE
An excellent idea, Sylvia. Why don't you come back tomorrow…or maybe next month…next year? Never would even be better
MORTY
Don't talk shtupid! Shadie, put mom's shutecases in the rare shpoom. You've come jus' at the right time. You ate already?
SYLVIA
Your sister packed me a sandwich and fruit for the train but I finished that hours ago. Just make me some toast and a glass of tea and I'll go to my room until your company has left
MORTY
Nonshense! Rajel, go get a chair from the kitchen, for your…your… bubie. You heard our good news?
Does anybody tell me anything? Who am I anyway? Just a sick, old woman shipped from place-to-place, because nobody has room for me. Why should anyone share their news with me?
MORTY
Our Rachel here is… em-em-gaged to be marry, ma!
SYLVIA
Uh-huh… So, you couldn't have picked up the phone to tell me, Sadie? You forgot my phone number, maybe? After all,
…I'm onlythe grandmother. Why should you share a happy event with me? So, introduce me to your fianceyRACHEL
David, this is Grammy Sylvia, my best friend in the whole world!
SADIE
And what am I? Chopped liver?
SYLVIA
Sadie dear, look at yourself as the pickled herring: always a hors d'oeuvre but never the main course. How many times have I told you that she always liked me better than you?
SYLVIA hugs RACHEL
SADIE
Come again? Morty – you better tell her…
MORTY
Now ma, you know you shouldn't tease Sabie like that. You shtill ‘aven't tol' us why you here
SYLVIA
Your sister, Elaine, went on a cruise so I landed up here on your doorstep. That cheapskate husband of hers didn't even pay for my fare. I tell you – nobody has respect for the aged anymore. In my days…
SADIE
Will you be honoring us with your presence for a long time, she asked, afraid of the answer?
MORTY
She jus' got here f-fur crying out loud. You-you can shtay for has l-long has you wan, ma
MORTY gets up to get another drink and SYLVIA
quickly takes his place
SADIE
Don't sit there ma!
SYLVIA
You want I should stand all night or maybe I should leave, better? I'm a weak, old woman…my legs don't hold me up any more. Oy! The pain! Starts in my big toe and travels all the way up my hip and stays there! Soon I'll need a wheelchair! Pain is my constant companion!
MORTY
Rushing over to pull chair away
SADIE
Weak like a bull! Rachel honey, go get your grammy a chair from the kitchen. Morty sweetheart, you don't look comfortable. Wouldn't you prefer to drink…sit in your favorite armchair over there, so you can relax?
RACHEL EXITS
MORTY
But…I wanna be able to…to…talk wid eberyone…
SADIE
I'm sure we can sacrifice your…witty observations of life, so that you can be comfortable!
MORTY staggers to the armchair
SYLVIA
The truth is you really don't want me to join your dinner party, do you. Don't worry 'bout old Sylvia. She'll watch television upstairs, all alone in her room, listening to everyone laughing and having a good time. Excuse me, people, for bothering you…it's past my bed time…just get me a glass for my teeth, Sadie, and I'll get out of your way
Starts to get up
MORTY
You know you're alwaysh welcome and you'll shtay 'ere to celbrate wid ush!
RACHEL enters with chair; MORTY follows her
SADIE
Places TV tray in front of MORTY
MORTY Cont'd. Absolutely! There's nothing I love more than a visit from your mother. Almost as much as an appointment with the dentist. Set a place for your bubie, Rachel
MORTY
Attempts to sit in armchair but jerks to an
standing position, waving arms as he speaksShadie mape her besh dish tonight, ma. Roast ducky in orange sauce, wiv orange booze
SYLVIA
Duck? I couldn't possibly eat that! Too fat and it's bad for my cholester-ail
MORTY
Couldn't you gib her shomething else?
MORTY teeters over to SADIE, tries to kiss
her on the cheek but she pulls awaySADIE
Oh something springs to mind alright, but I could get arrested for homicide
RACHEL
Moves a chair in back of SYLVIA, who sits down
I'm sure you could find something for grammy, mom, couldn't you?
SADIE
I'll go check what I have in the fridge. How 'bout a cheese sandwich, ma?
SYLVIA
It's low fat, I hope?
SADIE EXITS
…Where's your manners! Don't be so rude Morty and introduce me to your guests
MORTY is drinking another glass of liquor
at the bar
MORTY
Meet Dabid's parents, Lee-oree and Ch-Charmie Skybird
SYLVIA
So, what do you think of my granddaughter? Is she not a beauty?
LENOR
You have a lovely granddaughter, Sylvia. And what do you think of our David?
SYLVIA
Seems like a nice catch but he makes a living for my Rachel? She's used to good things!
LENOR
He's a corporate lawyer with a very good practice
SYLVIA
He's a partner in the firm, maybe?
LENOR
I'm sure that will happen in the future. After all – he's got all the right ingredients – a good family background…
SADIE RE-ENTERS
SADIE
Has my mother in law been telling you all the family secrets? Here's your cheese sandwich, ma, with low-fat dressing, just like you asked. Now close your mouth…and enjoy!
SYLVIA
So where's the lettuce? Salad greens are good for my constipation
I'm definitely getting a migraine!
(bowing)
Any particular kind…iceberg,romaine…bib…? Your wish is my command your majesty…I mean, Sylvia
SADIE EXITS
SYLVIA
Rachel sweetheart, bring me my small suitcase. I have all my medication inside
SADIE RE-ENTERS
SADIE
So what pills are you taking these days or do you have one of everything?
SYLVIA
With all my conditions, they're so many. This is for my vangina and this is for…
SADIE
…thank you for sharing, but I'm sure our guests aren't interested in all your pills
SYLVIA
I'll be at the wedding as long as my vangina doesn't act up but you never know
MORTY
How c-come n-n-nobody tol' me you 'ad am…vam-gi-na? I-I'm the son!
SADIE
Do you feel up to cutting us some more duck, dear?
MORTY stands up and teeters over to the table.
He grabs the carving fork, thrusts it in the
duck and hacks away
Morty…dearest, the duck is dead already! There's no reason to keep stabbing it!
LENOR takes her napkin and wipes her dress.
SADIE distributes plates of duck. When MORTY
takes his portion, he lifts the plate to his
lips and drinks; LENOR is horrified
MORTY
My Shabie makes the bes' gravy! You-you make dood guck, honey-bunny
Did I mention I mixed up my medication and ended up in the hospital emergency room? I could'a died, y’know! Rachel dear, bring me my blood pressure thing-ie like a good girl
No such luck - I mean, isn't it dangerous taking your own blood pressure? You could over pump and then… Why don't you let medo that for you?
MORTY puts on TV and an
ear-piercing screech comes from the TV.
Everyone jumps in response
MORTY
Look ad dat! My faborit all-time mooooomie is playing on our big screen TV too – Night of the Living Dead. Reminds me of our supper tonight…just a joke
SADIE
Thank you for sharing, sweetheart…
MORTY
Don'chu love zombies? They scare me shi-…
SADIE
- dearest, shouldn't you close the TV when we have guests?
MORTY
Why? We could all watch it togevver. Shabie – go make some popcorn for eberyone
Let him watch his movie! It bothers you? You always were a fun killer
SADIE
I think you should close the TV – NOW – and we'll discuss this later, dearest?
RACHEL
You start clearing the table, mom, and let me take care of grammy
SADIE clears the table of dishes
SADIE
Morty dearest, be a darling and help me?
MORTY gets up but loses his balance and falls backward on the broken chair, which collapses under his weight
SYLVIA
You gave him that chair on purpose, didn't you Sadie? Don't think I'm not on to you trying to collect on his insurance. Your wife wants to trade you in for a new model, Morty. Better leave now while you still can!
SADIE
Oh God! She's over-medicated herself again
SADIE EXITS
SYLVIA
You could have married Roseanne Epstein and her family would have given you the world. She was crazy for you, Morty, and I hear she's divorced from her third husband. It's never to late to find real love
RACHEL
You're such a kidder, grammy! She loves pretending to hate mom, don't you?
SYLVIA looks away and doesn't answer
What a joker!
MORTY
(getting up from sitting on floor)
Shabie is my one and only true love! We m-may not be rich in dollars b-but my Sadie has a lot of sense. Get it? Dollars…cents…?
SADIE re-enters holding a cake with sparklers
on top
SADIE
Morty…sweetheart, why don't you give your mouth a rest…I mean, relax and watch your movie. You've had a long day but not half as long as this evening has been
CHARLES
Wow! That's some cake! I bet it tastes as good as it looks
MORTY
You outdone myself, my sweet bon-bon!
DAVID
You baked this for us? It must have taken you hours
SADIE
It was just a little something I whipped up
MORTY
My Shadie is good at whipping things, aren't you my little pickle?
SADIE
Who wants coffee and who wants tea?
LENOR
Nothing for me since both keep me up at night
SYLVIA
I know exactly where you're coming from Leoree. Drinking liquids before I go to bed makes me pee all night too! Sometimes I think I spend more time in the bathroom than I do in bed
LENOR
Charles dear, we really must leave now. My migraine is getting quite intense
LENOR stands up
Sadie, it's been wonderful meeting you and Monty…
CHARLES
We have to have a slice of this special cake Sadie made or she'll be insulted. Won't you Sadie? Just a little sliver…please?
LENOR sit down again
Remember your cholesterol, dear…
SYLVIA
…you too? What pill are you taking for that? Wanna see all mine?
LENOR
I'll take half of the sliver you gave Charles
CHARLES
Now this is what I call a supper. Everything was perfect. Why don't share your recipes with Lenor? Anything is better than the grass we eat
LENOR
We really must leave dearest. I have a busy schedule tomorrow. Call me Sadie
MORTY
But… arem't… you… Lenor? If you…you wam me to call you Shabie, than Shabie it’ll be. I got a g-good idea! I'll call Shabie, Lemor, and Le-le-more, Shabie!
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