How to use this Page

This sounds like it could it really good, but you'll have to clear up a few things (and I don't mean Werewolf Snotlards ;-)).

that was until he was assassinated in his pyjamas

How does Harold know he was assassinated? Is he some high-falutin' government figure or something?

In a lighthearted style, it explores a tale of murder, betrayal and redemption where demons are bad only during works time

Huh? What's "works time"?

The last para is fine, although I think I'd ditch the sentence about reading it on your website. Either attach the first 5 or so pages of the first chapter or just say that you can provide the chapter or the first 3 chapters, blah blah blah.

Good luck!

OMG EE, you are on a roll today! Author, I agree that this query doesn't give us a story, just the set up. (This seems to be a recurring problem with queries.) Sounds like it could be a good story, and I'd like to know what it is.

What pattern was on his pyjamas when he was killed?

It's quite a run to imagine demons, murder and betrayal being presented in a lighthearted manner. Do the demons, killers and bad-mannered betrayers tell jokes while they are doing there works?

- JustABand

humor, like the recently dead in Betelgeuse, the movie

Why do I think I just saw this one elsewhere recently?

I love the set-up (although the line "If he can only stop being so sarcastic to God" bugged me. Maybe "if only he'd stop mouthing off to God" or "if only he could make God like him" or something? I'm not sure why but the phrase you used feels clunky to me. JMO.) but agree we need more story.

What is the place more terrifying than Heaven or Hell? Is it a funny place, like being force to spend eternity working at WalMart? Why would Harold go there anyway, was he really awful in life? Is God really so petty that one sarcastic demon is going to make Him send an innocent man there (oh, wait, scratch that. According to the Old Testament, yeah He is.)

Also, what is the contest? There's lots of Unpublished contests out there; you want to specify which one it is. You may have just left it out for us, but since you mention your book and its title I don't know why. So just saying, because if you want to use the contest as a credit we need to know it's a reputable one that means something (I'm not doubting you, just saying you should clarify.)

"[One misspelling of "the" is a typo; twice in nine words is a pattern, and I begin to wonder what tha hell's going on.]"

Good one.

Love Harold's name - and I like the idea of this being done humorously.

"Good Omens" managed to pull off demons, Armageddon, etc. humorously. I didn't have a problem with tha lighthearted bit. And a sarcastic demon sounds like fun.

But I agree with the other comments: there's no plot here, just a couple of sketchy characters and an afterlife of some kind.

I'm guessing that "works time" should be "office hours" or some such phrase, yes? Either that or you're getting into works theology. Which, given the setting, is not out of the realm of possibility.

I played around with my favorite search engine (GoodSearch - you name the charity) and found a bit of this book on an interesting publisher's website.

This part:
When the fate of the world rests on one mostly-innocent man and the elves are out to kill him, sometimes you wish you could kill him first. Then you're working to a Dead Line.

is really good (with a bit more explanation of why you'd want to kill him first). I think it's the start of the book. It's a bit hard to tell on this website I found.

That would be a nice start to a query IMO.

There's not enough here otherwise for me to say yes or no to the book.

If Snowbooks is the publisher of the first book, they don't seem to be a vanity press. They have an editorial process. They're just small. Why not name them?

Sarah

But then Good Omens doesn't start with corpses. The only deaths I remember are those of the Bikers of the Apocalypse, although it's years since I read the book.

However, I believe it is possible to pull something like this off as a comedy. What it takes, I think, is to make the reader laugh so hard they don't stop to think. Probably requires a fast pace.

If a mime is gunned down in an empty forest, does it make a sound?

Very technical complicated sounding premise you've got there. Why so many weird names if they're just going to Chicago? Hope the voice in your pages won't also remind me of lectures by the ol' philosophy professor.

Rofl, EE. Hungarian fortune teller. You're on top of your game here.

Author, other than EE's comments, I'm confused by a few things. Such as the power to change and twist reality. What does that mean? Have you ever seen Dark City - it's a low budget Matrix that became overshadowed by the real Matrix. The "agents" in it were an alien race that had the power to alter reality at will too - "tuning" as they called it. What I don't get here, as I didn't get there, is how can anyone stop something like that.

I hope there are limits, but from your description they're too vague to tell what. Maybe instead of saying vagaries about their power, you can talk about what your hero must do if he wants to defeat them. This sort of goes along with specifying Mike's powers like EE wanted. You could cut a lot of unnecessary plot points out of the query by doing this.

This premise is intriguing and sounds a lot like something I'd read. The actual plot isn't clear enough yet, however. Also, the complicated names don't work for me, though.

Now, I can't get "Alice's Restaurant" out of my head.

True to my form, I played with what you have and came up with this:

Asleep, Michael Blake wanders a strange land and watches silently as lost souls burn away to ash. Awake, he is unseen except by a select few – like Alice. Alice tells Michael that he is dreaming of the Wall, the border country between our World and Sbas Yul, the Hidden Place, where magic was sent a thousand years ago. The dreams mark Michael as a Changeling, one who will cross through the Wall and into Sbas Yul. When he burns through, the little of him left to remember will vanish as if he never existed.

The Emim, the rulers of Sbas Yul, have found a way back from beyond the Wall. They, who once nearly conquered the Earth, are looking for Michael. Their power to make and twist reality, drawn from stolen souls, is fixed on Michael. If the Emim take Michael before he crosses over, it will mean the fall of Sbas Yul, the collapse of the Wall, and the end of the Earth.

Michael and Alice run out of Chicago and into the hidden heart of America. Tucked into cities and small towns live people who reveal to Michael more of the invisible around us and the past we’ve been made to forget. A dreadlocked dragon bartender, a boy with mirrored eyes, a man who dances alone in the temple of the lost gods, and a strange woman in Michael’s dreams have agendas, allegiances. Michael must unwind the threads and find the one truth underneath them all, the secret to unlock his dreams and save Earth.

For Michael to survive, he must understand and control his own growing power, a power that he fears is the very same as the Emim. The path to learning that control, to understanding our true history, and to fighting the Emim will take him around the World, through memory, dreams, and beyond.


It would still need some work, but maybe this will help. I think you have a good premise. I also think your alterenate titles are much more catchy.

Good Luck!
Sarah

OK. Now that I've looked it over a bit more here are my questions, or at least my understanding of a few interesting logic points.

The Emim rule Sbas Yul. Michael needs to cross over to Sbas Yul or the Earth is kaput. The Emim are trying to stop Michael from crossing over.

Why? If he does cross over, he'll be on their turf, under their rule. Why wouldn't they wait to take him when he comes to their side? Or does his crossing over mean they lose control of Sbas Yul?

I think the action of stopping him from crossing over means they get a chink in the Wall and then they can cross back and try to take over the Earth. But, if they are looking for this chink, don't they already have it since they are chasing Michael in this world?

As for Michael, why would he decide to put himself in the hands of the Emim by crossing over? What about this whole setup shows him he must sacrifice himself to be under the rule of those trying to kill his ass in order to save Earth?

If this is a huge self-sacrifice, I don't see it blazoned across your query. And I think it should be.

Just my thoughts. You probably handle all of this in the book.

Sarah

Is Sbas one syllable or two? That's not a criticism of the work; I'm just curious what people think.

Yeah, my main thought while reading the query was summed up by EE's notes about telling what happens in straightforward language. I thought the query was hinting at possibly a very cool premise and world, and yet everything was so vague and mysterious that my eyes started to glaze over by the last paragraph.

Is there any humor in the book like in your title notes? The Blood Moon Conspiracy was great.

This is some strange Tibetan mysticism. Am I right?

Describing a story like this is like teaching the graduate class in quantum physics. It's kinda hopeless without a good background in the subject.

Have you guys ever read "Hellblazer" comics or any of Vertigo's more adult comics? How about "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" by Jhonen Vasquez? Or maybe the highly original Aeon Flux? Or maybe "Are you Loathsome Tonight" by Poppy Z. Brite?
(hey, we all like Elvis, don't we?)

FIrst, seperate the story from the mysticism. EE had it right.
Michael Blake arrives at work one day to find a stranger doing his job. He goes back home, only to find his wife making love to another stranger.
That's an opening line. Now why is this happening?
Michael Blake walks between two worlds, The world of the living and the magic world of Sbas Yul, the Hidden Place.

Now what is Michael Blake's problem? And here is where I get lost. The "evil" Emim are trying to restore magic to the world by destroying the protective wall between Sbas Yul and reality. I hesitate to say dream world because that would be three names for the same place. What are the "threads of truth" that you refer to? Is this a Norn type thread (see Gotterdammerung for Norns).

Alice is the only woman who understands Michael? Or see Michael? Why is that so? You need to establish her as the third character in the query. How does Alice know about Sbas Yul and How can she help Michael?

You, the author, have to clarify Alice's role in Michael's solution to the end times.

Alice Whatever, curator of the museum, rescues Michael and together they ...

The one thing you can't do (and it's apparent from the confustion already created) is reveal so much of the mystical background of the story. It's obvious to me that you have a certain philosophical, moreal, religious, mystic world built into the story. It's not a trivial mysticism and it's leaving too many readers behind when you talk about it so much in the query.

When I read Phillip Pullman's trilogy (the Golden Compass, etc...) I became aware of the very controversial anti-catholic views in it. But that's not an apt description of the novels. Neither is calling Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" an anti-religious screed. It is, but that's not the story in the book. Neither is the analogy of Aslan as the Christ the story of "The Chronicles of Narnia." See what I mean?

Step back from the mysticism and describe what Michael and Alice do as an adventure.

I could be so wrong about this. Maybe i'm enamored of the wrong thing. It's such a strange and wonderful story. I do like the premise. I like the complexity of it. However, that same complexity can be death in a query. There are queries I read with simple, straighforward plots and I have no desire to read the book. This isn't one of those stories.

My big question is this: The Emim are the rulers of Sbas Yul, and Michael is destined to cross into Sbas Yul. The Emim want to stop him from crossing over. If they stop him before he crosses over, it means the fall of Sbas Yul, right? Then why do they want to cause the collapse of their own domain? They rule it, and they want to destroy it? I'm sure there is an explanation for this, but I couldn't find it in the query.

Xiexie is intrigued and yet confused. He's going to echo Wonderwood and Sarah.

150: If a mime is gunned down in a forest full of people, does it still make a sound?

Pacapaca: (This comes from Arabic pronunciation of words that sometimes invades into my English) Sbas is one syllable for me. So: Sbas Yul reads as 2 syllables, not 3.

I think I would be crying if plot guesses number 5 and number 6 didn't keep me laughing so hard.

Thank you for the comments. The "what a coincidence" one is very valid, from how the query presents it. G specifically targets her because he needs something, so it's not really "coincidental," but I can fully see how it would appear that way in the query.

...progressively more deadly, [If that's "deadly" meaning "causing death," I'm not sure how many progressive levels there are.]

There's all dead. And there's mostly dead (which is slightly alive).

EE's right about the numbers, unless it's a story about swingers. Then four works better. But if you count Rebecca and Gareth, you end up with six, which is a good evil number. Except that the query doesn't mention why Christopher's brothers are important, leading me to believe they could be deleted, which brings you back down to three. But if you're locked in to four, maybe you could change the title to Four in the Morning, because 1) it's catchier, 2)it's still vampire friendly because it's dark at that time, and 3)it's a triple entendre, thus satisfying the rule of three.

I liked this, but the query makes it sound too coincidental.

You know, even though it lacked vampires, the simplicity of GTP #1 really caught me. I want that book. And a nice cup of tea.

-mb

I couldn't come up with a title, and I was desperate. I knew, after sending, that I could do better. I considered "Four in the Morning," but for some reason -- though still dark -- it just didn't seem to jive.

The brothers are all important, but like you mention, it's six characters to work into a query, and I typically see people get hammered for listing too many people in their query. That's why I brought it down to bare bones. I'll have to see if I can somehow highlight their importance without making the query into a synopsis (which was my original problem).

As far as the debate over the word "deadly," I always took it to mean "capable of causing death," not the definite "death causing," and after jetting over to google, I see it can be used either way. Since more than one person has called out this word, I may have to change it to something equally potent yet not as confusing. Maybe "lethal," though I always took THAT to mean someone actually died, and a trip to www.m-w.com says that the meaning is equally ambiguous.

Maybe I should just call him a big ol' meanie, and leave it at that.

Words that may mean what you want to say without being ambiguous:

barbaric, brutal, depraved, malevolent, pernicious, ruthless, sadistic, vicious

The word you're looking for is: Deadlyish.

How about "as the threats to his brothers grow progressively more dire" or "more grave"?

Hi Brigid,

Even though the other three brothers are important, as you've indicated, you might still drop them from the letter. The query doesn't need to fully explain the story, it just needs to get someone interested enough to read your sample pages. I think if an agent was interested in the story of Christopher and Minnie the Moocher (I mean, Rebecca; just doing Cab Calloway here), they won't be shocked to learn later that he has three brothers which do stuff.

Overall, this was a query where the story sounded enjoyable, but I kept thinking it's been done before.(In fact, it's rather similar to fello minion December Quinn's 'Blood Will Tell' in its broad outline). You need to find a way to move this from "oh, another vampire novel" to "oh, that's a different take on it; I wonder how Rebecca would handle THAT." As EE hints, maybe the emotional manipulation part will help on this. Also, Rebecca never seems to use these amazing abilities that she shares with vampires. Maybe you could pursue that somehow?

EE's suggestion of brutal may work. There's a point where the villain almost kills one of the brothers, but doesn't succeed, which is why I used "deadly." Dire and grave, while good words, don't have the right impact. All good suggestions, but as you're all writers, too, you know how important it is to have just the right word!

Evil Editor: the Roget of the underworld.

Thank you all for the great comments. Her borrowing their abilities turns out to be pivotal for the story, so I think you're right that I need to highlight that even more. I appreciate all the feedback.

It leaves me thinking, "Oh, another vampire novel." *yawn* "Next query, please."

I'm personally always happy to see another vampire story, especially one with a new slant, such as this one (love the idea of a human woman who metaphorically feeds off of them). So as soon as people who read vampire stories tire of them (which won't happen anytime soon judging by the recent success of Stephenie Meyer), then I say bring 'em on. Vampires, like werewolves, are much older than literature and so is our fascination with them.

Really, Bonnie? Thanks! I'll go back over to MSWord and delete the whole thing! Wow, what a rush! Problem solved!

Seriously, I know there is now a huge glut of vampire novels on the market. When I started this novel over a year ago, I hadn't read Twilight or any of the number of other vampire novels that have cropped up recently. The only vampire series I'd read were Anne Rice (which started 30 years ago) and Laurell K. Hamilton. When I started this, I had no idea that vampire novels were going to be so hot in 2007, therefore killing any market for my book. (And I can imagine this applies to anyone else who posted a vampire query/pages here as well.)

Maybe my next novel will be about a conspiracy dating back to the days of Christ, and having to do with paintings in the Louvre. No one has done anything like that, have they?

Literary groups are always threes. Take the biblical characters, Shadrach, Meshach and Horshack. Or The Three Musketeers (Athos, Porthos and Abednego).

Wasn't that last one Abedingo?

brigid says:

I couldn't come up with a title, and I was desperate. I knew, after sending, that I could do better. I considered "Four in the Morning," but for some reason -- though still dark -- it just didn't seem to jive.

That's "jibe,"

intr.v. jibed, jib·ing, jibes
To be in accord; agree:


but meanwhile, how about the raunchy:

VAMPILE?

Gotta love those people who come in and piss on someone's novel and offer nothing constructive. What's the word for what bonnie has contributed? "Shitique", I think is what they call it.

I don't see an end to vampire novels. They burst out after "Interview with the Vampire" hit as a movie. The novel came out in 1976 and the movie didn't get made until 1994.

There are numerous remakes of the Dracula story and vampire novels, and, as numerous as they seem, are still being pumped out. It only takes a little to fuel the "undead" in one form or another.

Just to prove the point, the latest incarnation of Richard Matheson's I am Legend is due out this December. The SciFi legions are lining up to buy tickets already.

You give us a lot of plot details but nothing that grabs me. Why should I care about these characters? I find myself suspecting that Gareth is the good guy, and he must be using her to get to the four brothers.

I think you need more emotional grab in the letter. My inference was that the real story was something like this:

She is a commodity of some sort because she can share their powers, and is thus wooed by the four evil vampire brothers; but on the cusp of doing something truly stupid she is saved by the good vampire Gareth who she has been told is bad. Then the confusion is cleared up after she's probably used against Gareth or he actually saves her, and she gets together with Gareth or the bad vampires are slayed.

Am I close?

BTW, the way it was written, I really thought GTP #4 couldn't be the real one.

Should you have any interest

Just a minor thing--change this bit of your query. "Any" comes off sounding weak. Best of luck, Brigid.

Thank you all for the crits and support.

Writtenwyrrd, your guess is a little off the mark. Gareth isn't really the good guy in the end. The four brothers think he's there to take over their territory, but he's actually come to Baltimore on the run from an enemy. He's an older, powerful vampire, and he has no allies against this enemy. When he discovers that Rebecca can share his powers at no cost -- and therefore be an equal ally -- he wants her to help him. Unfortunately, because he's on the run and paranoid, he thought that the four brothers might be in cahoots with his enemy, which is why he kept fighting with them. When he is in the process of telling Rebecca the truth and asking for her help, the brothers have ambushed him, and after learning Gareth's back story, she has to decide whose side to fight on.

I reworked the query last night to include Gareth's motivation. It's not something that would ever go on the back of a paperback, because it reveals the twist, but maybe its necessary in the query, so someone wouldn't think the story is so straightforward. If anyone is still reading these comments, I'd love your opinion.

I'll go back over to MSWord and delete the whole thing! Wow, what a rush! Problem solved!

Maybe my next novel will be about a conspiracy dating back to the days of Christ...



If your characters share this kind of sarcasm, you should have no problem. It won't be just "another vampire novel."

Whoever wrote the Four Horsemen gtp, you are a brilliant, brilliant person. LOL.

Yes, vampires are still hot. Look at the I Am Legend-sounding trilogy that just sold for, like, $1.5M (which may include film rights -- I'm not going out and double-checking). I'm guessing there's SOMETHING about that trilogy that's different and unique enough to be worth the hype.

Now, many, many agents admit the way they read a query is in this order:
1) First couple of sentences to see if it's a genre they even rep.
2) Credits to see if they should pay extra attention.
3) Hook to see if it's attention-grabbing.
4) Skim-thruough to determine if the writing is coherent.
5) Assuming the query hasn't been rejected already, a full read-through.

You'll want to put right up front what makes THIS story different from all the vamp stories Bonnie's seen before. Rebecca's mind-linking ability appears to be that hook. Stick it right up front, whether you start the query with a one-sentence summary of the book, or just introduce this hook in the first sentence. Something like:

When Rebecca stumbles across four vampire brothers in hiding in a quiet Baltimore suburb, she discovers her mind-linking ability to share their strength, rapid healing, and manipulative powers.

I doubt anyone is reading this comment trail anymore, but just in case....

I think you should take Bonnie's comment seriously if you are worried about the query letter as a sales device. As you indicated in your response, an agent is probably reading a few vampire novel queries a week. Vampire novels are still selling, as people have talked about, so the agent might want to represent one. The key is that you want her to choose YOUR vampire novel and not one of the others in her stack. So, in your query, you need to make yours stand out.

If the heroine adopting the vampiric powers isn't common, emphasize that in the query. If their are interesting relationships other than hanging out with cute guys, emphasize that. If your voice is funny and sarcastic, emphasize that. You get the idea.

You can't do anything about people who don't like novels with vampires. But you can do something about making your query be different from the others.

Or as another lead-in:

It's hard to be disgusted with vampires when you learn you can share their powers.

Or:

The only thing more shocking to MC NAME HERE than discovering a group of four vampires down the street is discovering that she can absorb their powers herself.

Or something.

Hey cool, the html instructions are in German today.

(if you want to do something about people who don't like vampire novels, make sure they don't give them a try anyway with "The Historian"; it will only confirm they should NEVER read vampire novels (once they wake up))

The letter has a lot of extraneous bits to it, but overall I liked the idea of your story. I liked the beginning and thought it was a good hook despite its ability to also work as a straight line, lol.

One thing that confused me is that you use friends twice with apparently two different meanings. Friends, you say, are more important than fairies. Then you tell us that Meg and her friends try to discover what the magical parasite is. Seems like the fairy friends are in the second bit.

And perhaps consider why you call the mysterious thing in the woods a parasite when it is a human seeming predator.

Keep honing this one, I bet you can sell it.

I like the idea very much as well. I'd want to get the first chapter to check the writing. Cool.

I was trying to come up with actresses to play Meg and Eva, but everyone I thought of played college students fifteen years ago, not today. I don't think Molly Ringwald can still pull this off.

Cool idea! Your query is well-written. Focuses a little too much on "discovery" rather than the story.

It seems to me you should cover more ground in the query about how Meg manages to free her brother (assuming she does). You could cover how Meg learns Eva's nature in one paragraph, then get to the real meat of the story: Meg's search for Fred. Also, you only hint (albeit strongly) that Eva is the parasite. In the query, I would just go ahead and spell that out. (Don't make an agent do any extra work than s/he has to.) "When Meg learns Eva is the parasite, she finds herself in a race against time to find and free the only brother she will ever know . . . " Something like that. (I know, my example is total cliche, but you get the idea.)

I think that you are looking in the wrong place for the query letter. I don't think that the hook is Meg's ability to see fairies, gremlins and dryads - a magic world. It's her search for her brother - how she finds him and how she saves him.

Gremlins stealing her date's keys is cute, but it's not a novel. Sister saves brother from death is a novel because it can discuss love, family and courage. That's where the query should focus.

OOOOOOH! I really liked this query! I would absolutely buy this book to read. I definitely agree with the others that you can edit this much tighter. It definitely is longer than you need it to be. I don't have any other comments other than, WOW!, this sounds like my type of awesome story!

How do you discover that someone is immortal?

You wait.

I'll start off by saying I like the premise in this query. But I also happened to have read your synopsis on the Crapometer, and I think while this story shows promise, the synopsis has the story -- right after where this query leaves off -- devolving into finding magic swords and a pretty stock ending. I think if you can envision a more original ending, you'll have a better chance at snagging an agent. IMO.

As for the query, Meg Carter sees her first fairy when she's twelve is maybe not the best hook for this book. It sets the reader up for two false assumptions: the story is about a 12-year-old (the sentence is in present tense) and that it will be about fairies.

You don't elaborate on that first sentence, so the supernatural doesn't seem that important anymore makes me wonder if it ever seemed important.

I also questioned the term "parasite." Not sure how Eva fits that definition. The query needs some motivation for Meg going after the parasite. If a lot of people are disappearing around a college campus, someone's gonna notice and call in the uniforms. A dryad's "warning" makes it sound like the dryad is warning Meg away from the woods, not into them. No need to go into the detail of the dryad not talking like humans. Meg figures it out so it doesn't matter in the query.

You can cut a bit from this query by tightening up the pretty heavy-handed 3rd 'graph. Also, the way the last sentence in the 2nd 'graph is written, it's telegraphing the last sentence of the 3rd 'graph, so you certainly don't need 5 sentences to get the reader to the point they've already figured out. A couple of sentences to get across Eva's personality ought to do.

Then Fred disappears. This is great. Even though we expect the event, the single short sentence is terrific pacing in this letter.

OK, you don't HAVE to give away the ending in a query. But some indication of what happens next would not be remiss.

As for the GTPs, this title was just too easy to mock, eh minions? :o)

Phoenix makes some *very* good points.
And you should watch constructions such as "off of her."

I, too, saw this over at the Crapometer, and I actually like this shorter version a bit more (of course it's a synopsis on the Crapometer, which is always longer than a query).

I wonder about the opening sentence, as you don't talk about fairies after that: maybe you should drop that first line. In fact, you might consider dropping the first paragraph and reworking the second paragraph as your first. The second paragraph is where the action is (EE also has a point in starting the query with the third paragraph).

I like the premise, but I feel this needs to be tightened.

Good luck with it. :-)

~jerseygirl

Yoy know, in a world infested with demons, oracles and other unsavory creatures, a psychopath seems somewhat ho-hun.

I thought this query sounded fascinating, but it felt very rushed and like a crucial plot element was missing. I'm guessing that there is some important plot element between the oracle and cromwell that has not been disclosed by the author - maybe because you think it gives too much of your story away? But here is not the place to be coy. I think you need to be more forthcoming and give us more plot details. Otherwise, all you have is a fugitive type story, but with demons and psychopaths instead of US marshalls. Give us a little more.

[Have you ever noticed that characters are never described in query letters as "savory beings"?]

They were in the histories of the Donner Party and their New Years Feast. I think the words were "savory and succulent, just like chicken."

This is a case of how prophecy hurts a story. We just had a fun discussion of how silly we could be with a gypsy fortune teller. That discussion could apply here.

Years ago there was a movie titled "Color Me Dead" with Tom Tryon where the mystery was not whether the hero was going to die, (n the first scene he drank a poison with no antidote) but whether he would avenge his death before he died.

That's the story you need to query. Your story is not that an Oracle predicts death, it's what the subject of the prophecy does with that knowledge. Isn't this more like "Jay Smith must align himself with demons in a futile attempt to evade his prophesized death." And if Jay Smith lives, I presume that the prophecy has some twist to it that no one fully understands. Or Jay Smith gets reincarnated.
Or Geroge Orr (Esther's brother) dreams it all away.

"it's hard to be phased by unsavory beings"

Far easier to be fazed.

Remember to keep the story's priorities in mind when crafting your query. For example, we know practically nothing about your MC, yet we have the whole "Enraged, Jay seeks out..." paragraph that does nothing to enlighten the reader about the circumstances at hand. It's repetitive: the query has already indicated the Oracle predicted his fated death and Jay has already been scouring the underground for counsel.

The query gives me no reason to care for Jay. He apparently has all these underworld ties; maybe he's a hit man or a trafficker in baby's blood, or something equally reprehensible. Maybe a psychopath is the best thing that can happen to Albuquerque. Maybe Jay should die.

The following is my rough revise based on your story elements:

When Jay Smith, [reknowned paranormal art dealer trafficking in work with a decidedly demonic theme,] consults an Oracle about [his future business ventures], she has a surprise for him. Jay has less than a week to live -- and his death won't be an accident. Forearmed with the knowledge the Oracle has always been right, Jay's determined to find a loophole and figure out a way to defy fate.

Jay has only six days to discover who wants him dead, and why. When his [list of respectable Albuquerque clients] turns up dry, Jay goes underground, questioning the vagrants, demons and creatures that infest the city's seedy underside. From them he learns [Theo] Cromwell and his horde of monsters has just hit town. It doesn't take long before Jay is hunted down by Cromwell, a psychotic [international art thief whose last caper was thwarted when Jay used his unique telekinetic abilities to switch out the stolen paintings].

When Jay and Cromwell at last come face to face in a monster-smashing duel, it appears fate will out no matter. For beneath them, a soul devouring demon has risen ... and it's anxiuosly waiting to consume the winner.

Oh, look, ello is an official blogworld blogger now!

Cromwell just seems so funny! It's probably not the effect you want. I agree with ello that a crucial plot element is missing.

"It's called prevenge" and

"She exclaims his death will be lucrative but refuses to explain to who. [Whom. And mainly to the funeral home.]" were my favorites for this one.

GTPs were fun, especially 3 and 4.

Cromwell reminded me of
anti-royalists and English history.

This sounds like it could be good, but the query needs some
direction - which it looks to me you've just received.

Good luck with your book.

OMG, yes: "prevenge" is terrific!!

Hey Phoenix! Thanks for noticing! I finally bit the bullet and decided to blog about things that really get me going after lurking in everyone else's blogs! Please feel free to stop by!

Ell

Terrible, I'm sorry.

The plot is one-track minded (survival) and the circumstances seem very trite.

Also, why is the MC so special? Why does he have telekinetic abilities?

There needs to be more meat to the plot, maybe the MC befriends one of the enemy. (or even falls in love?)

Did anyone check this Oracle's credentials? I mean the Oracle tells Jay he'll be dead in a week; he tells Cromwell he's destined to kill Jay (within a week?).

Isn't it kind of like me predicting "a sudden, painful event will force Bob to travel in tight circles" just before I break Bob's leg with a baseball bat?

Prophesized is not a word.

Have you ever noticed that characters are never described in query letters as "savory beings"?

Betcha the zombies would describe Jay that way.

Interestingly, only males can be "savory beings" due to the scientifically proven fact that females are constructed largely from sugar, spice and all things nice.

Ain't nature incredible?

Also, if this Oracle is known to be right, Jay can just sit back and watch Cromwell and his zombies make fools of themselves trying to kill him because he knows he has a full week left to live and nobody, not even a psychopath, can get to him before his time is up.

A psychopath named Cromwell? What's wrong with calling him Lincoln or Washington?

Prophesized is too a word!

It's what the Oracle says when the lady at the dress shop asks....What size?

The very opening of this letter set the wrong tone for me, making the intro of the fantasy elements like a slap in the face.

You say, "The Oracle has just told Jay Smith that he has less than one week left to live. To save himself, he questions the vagrants, demons and creatures that infest Albuquerque's underworld and unravels a crucial piece information."

I know you told me it was urban fantasy, but I immediately forgot that line when you say he's got a week to live. I'm thinking he's dying from disease or something. Just me, but that was the reaction. And I think I got there because of the line "only a week to live." There are so many tales of this, and they are all thrillers. So my little trained brain went into that preformed groove and followed it to the logical conclusion-- which wasn't there when I read about the fantasy elements.

Again, might just be me, but the lack of specificity right away is a problem. You could start with a much more grabbing, dynamic opening line, such as "The chance encounter [with an Oracle] tells Jay Smith he's got a week to live-- unless he solves the [problem]." Something that gives us the reason he's in a bind. Then you can go on to saying he queries the underbelly of Albuquerque and does whatever to get to the resolution.

I hope that's of help to you.

A protagonist called "Jay Smith"? Just makes me think of the Jay and Silent Bob films by Kevin Smith. I'm pretty sure that's not what you were going after, author. Might want to think again about giving your characters names that have been used before.

Enraged, Jay seeks out the Oracle

This was the first thing that didn't make sense to me: Wouldn't Jay be scared, at least at first? (I could see him being pissed or enraged down the line, but not right away.)

And what EE said. Who is Jay that he can demand stuff of an Oracle? I take it from you that the Oracle is quite powerful, so that line of reasoning doesn't make sense.

"Unsavory beings" - which ones is he going to hang out with? I think you need something more concrete here. You nicely detailed them earlier, so why not pick one or two of those you earlier described, and go with it here?

I also think the next-to-the-last paragraph doesn't do it for me. It sounds like you gave up or something; it sounds boring to me. I think you'll need to punch it up a bit.

I think this has potential, but more details are needed in certain bits, and that ending part needs to have more urgency.

Good luck with it.

~jerseygirl

Ooo, just read phoenix's take on this. :-) Nicely done. Hooked me from the start.

Might be worth keeping in mind.

~jerseygirl

How does one become an internationally famous psychopath without being locked up? Does he appear on Oprah regularly, or what?

Could not make sense of this plot. Didn't need so much info re other people's books and your prior pubs.

Yes, with Anon, what happens?
We cannot assume consequences just because she is vampiric, has a hot therapist and a possibly revengeful ex.
And I think you need to mention something beside a different locale to set this story apart from the many other vampiric novels out there.

ditto, there's no plot description.

Pinched from Miss Snark

The starting point for creating a hook (to include in the query letter):

X is the main guy; he wants to do:
Y is the bad guy; he wants to do:
they meet at Z and all L breaks loose.
If they don't resolve Q, then R starts and if they do it's L squared.

Obviously, not all plots will fit that formula exactly, there might not be a bad guy for example, but it's a good starting point. I find it helps focus on what should be included.

(There was a shorter version too, something like "here is the protag, here is what they want, this is why they can't get it" but I can't find that one.)

I also thought, if you're pushing your setting as a selling point, what makes it special? "An Australian setting" makes it sound like some generic outback country town (yawn). If the story is set in, say, suburban Melbourne, what makes this different from a story set in New York or small town USA.

What plot points are here aren't really connected to one another. From the query, I can't tell if it's only after she wakes up with the corpses that she begins to think her sanity isn't up to scratch, or if that's something that's plagued her for awhile. And I can't really tell whether she's attracted to the intern's pro conduct or if she's ready to kill him/her. Blood boiling (even lusty blood) could go either way. Especially since you mention it's unfortunate. Why unfortunate, and for whom?

Then the query mentions Scar's adoptive dad, but since there isn't any hint that Scar just discovered she was adopted, why should the question come up or matter who her bio dad is? And how does a barrister human dad look after a vampiric daughter who's being stalked by another vampire? Is Dad a vampire slayer cum lawyer? Just trying to get a sense of connection in the query.

not just her career that's at stake - is stake intentional? Maybe I'm just jaded, but "stake" and "bloodsucker" fall flat with me. Although I do applaud that you're going for voice in your query.

What does "adult women's" mean? Erotica? If so, say it; don't let the reader guess. If not, then leave it out. "Urban fantasy" is fine.

Pen names: Seems to be some disagreement about them, but it comes down to either presenting yourself to the agent under your pen name if you're absolutely sure you'll be able to use that name, or leave the conversation about pen names for later since the editor/publisher may have a say in the matter.

I don't think I would list more than two other books/series that yours is like. Mentioning Australia as the setting is OK, but no reason not to mention where in Australia it's placed.

Credits: since your short stories haven't been pub'd, it might be best just to collapse all your awards into a single sentence and highlight just one of the awards. To be honest, I'd even be a bit vague considering the contests: Several of my short stories have won awards in various contests, including [whichever one you want to highlight].

"Manxman?"
~chokes~

If you're looking for an agent to sell pub rights in the USA, your book should appeal to readers in the USA. If you are pitching to an Australian agent, you need to be attractive to Australian readers. Etc. Any appeal the book might have to a market outside the agent's country of doing business would be of secondary interest. Weredingo paranormal romance mystery kind of sounds like a niche market to me.

Also, you don't seem very savvy about what a private investigator is.

James Bond forever claimed my psyche when he dealt with Pussy Galore. If I had to be a were-anything-feline, I think panther-man or cougar-boy would do.

Doug Adams uses "worthless as a dingo's kidneys" to good effect.

I guess the point is, get over the "dingo" fixation. Canis lupus dingo is a dog. So the heroine is associated wtih dogs and the hero is associated with cats. Interesting switch.

This is a murder mystery / romance / paranormal story. That's confusing. You have to decide what it is. Either Christina Margolin has to solve a muder by paranormal forces that threaten the warp and woof of society. [ARGH! that PUN!]
or Christina, a shapeshifter finds her true love in Donovan as they work together to solve the murder of her neighbor. they live happily ever with mixed breed offspring.
or Shapeshifter Christine discovers a mellow yellow plot to destroy society and along with Donovan the hurdy gurdy man. Together they journey to Atlantis and save the world from the season of the witch.

Joking aside, you need to condense your plot into an exciting one or two sentences. That will focus your query letter.

Do they call the regular humans "shiftless?"

Mink-boi is the gay version of Manx-man

Dave! Superman and Green Lantern got nothing on you. Couldn't manage to work in jumpin Juniper named Jennifer into that,eh?

Neighbor saved from world's only known wereplatypus.

Ow. Tea up the nose. Ow.

Actully, Dave, murder mystery/romance/paranormal stories are pretty common these days.

We need more here about what's at stake, and what happens. What is so sinister about Internature? What's their evil plan? What happens if the mystery isn't solved?

I have to say that just because a book is set in Australia doesn't mean it won't sell in the US. A 4-book paranormal romance series just came out this past year, and it was about werecritters and vampires in Australia. (Can't think of the titles offhand; but if someone really cares I can look them up tonight.)

I wouldn't have been too interested in this idea, based on the letter, because it's a bit schizophrenic. But I think that if you 1) clarify the genre (see Dave's to-the-point comments) and 2) give us a clear main plot to focus on (the mystery or the love story, not both) it will work for you much better.

I liked the cat vs dog dynamic, because you have a built in tension we all will get without your having to expound on it. I think that leads more to the romantic plot, however; so if you play up that dynamic in the letter, it might mean you are selling the book as a romance.

I don't get it. I thought everyone was a criminal in Australia? Like, you can solve a crime just by nodding 'morning' to your neighbor and saying, "It was you!" Chances are you'd be right, right?

OK, now if the Manxman dumped Dingodoll and went on to have several times a night rampant, semi-domesticated animal sex with the Wereplatypus... Would it then be a fuck-filled platypus?

Oh 150! You always crack me up!

So did a dingo eat the neighbor? Reminds me of Elaine from Seinfeld, "a dingo ate your baby..."

I have to be honest, I wasn't sure if this was a real query letter or a hoax. Was confused by your query from the get go. Not sure what the first sentence means. I think you are trying to be a little too mysterious. A little more plot please.

DIdn't really like the paragraph on who it would appeal to, felt sort of forced, do you really need that? I'm not so into your protagonist, seems a little too shifty... HAAAA - I know - bad pun. But seriously, you use the word shift or shifter 7 times in this letter. It kind of was distracting. But your writing creds were quite impressive.

Attn. [Agent/Editor],

Who wants to work with a clich馘 paranormal crime-fighting team? Not the only weredingo in the world葉his bitch would rather eat a baby.

The overworked police don't want to deal with supernatural nutcases, so they refer the International Supernatural Board ( a.k.a. Internature) onto private investigator Christina Margolin. Chris's weredingo status has never been known, until she involuntarily shape-shifts in the presence of Internature's Special Agent Donovan Moreno, an unexpected werecat.

Finding non-dingo animal hairs in Chris's yard is suspicious enough. But is it just coincidental that her neighbor disappears, leaving behind a newspaper scrap featuring an Internature ad? Only the ad was not placed by officials, so Chris and Moreno team up to track down Chris's neighbor and identify the Internature wannabe.

Shift, complete at approximately 69,000 words, is a suburban fantasy novel. Written under the penname of Tez Miller, it may appeal to readers of Kelley Armstrong, Rachel Vincent, and Sparkle Hayter. The weredingo will interest readers wanting a different kind of Shifter.

I have written columns and reviews for the websites ACHQ and The Northern Sound. Two of my short stories won second prize in the Eastern Regional Libraries Short Story Writing Competition (2000 and 2003), with a third receiving an honorable mention (2003). Another short story won the October Writing Challenge (2006), administrated by the Otherworld Writing Group.

A synopsis, partial or full manuscript will be sent at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Smarter people than I will be able to pinpoint any specific problems. For me, something still falls flat here. Tone? Content? The overarching impression I get from reading this query is that you're pitching a satire/comedy a la Pratchett or Adams, not a serious fantasy. It almost strikes me as a blurb for a low budget TV series....

Sorry can't be helpful with how to sharpen it -- I'll leave that to the experts.

This is much better, but you omit telling us what is at stake. This research has to matter to these characters, so let us know WHY it matters. That is the thing that will make people want to know more, IMO.

There's some funky font stuff happening here:

Who wants to work with a clich馘 paranormal crime-fighting team? Not the only weredingo in the world葉his bitch would rather eat a baby.

(that's like a taking a two-by to the forehead, ain't no way you can ignore that opening line.)
oh please insert a name here, as in baby seal, baby mole, baby hamster or something other than just BABY because I'm thinking of cute, little Suzy at 2 months and 10 pounds, SHUDDER!)


Delete - overworked, supernatural, unexpected

The {overworked} police don't want to deal with {supernatural} nutcases, so they refer the CRIME to the International Supernatural Board ( a.k.a. Internature) onto private investigator Christina Margolin. Chris's weredingo status has never been known, until she involuntarily shape-shifts in the presence of Internature's Special Agent Donovan Moreno, an {unexpected} werecat.

Finding non-dingo animal hairs in Chris's yard is suspicious enough. {But is it just coincidental that} WHEN her neighbor disappears, leaving behind a newspaper scrap featuring an Internature ad; {? Only the ad was} AN AD not placed by officials, {so} Chris and Moreno team up to track down {Chris's} THE neighbor and identify the Internature wannabe. (Imposter, pretender, fake, might be a stronger word than wannabee)

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm tired, but I'm just not getting it at all. Not the tone or the story. Is the first paragraph supposed to be funny or sick? I'm supposed to think about that Meryl Streep movie based on the mother who claimed her baby was carried off by a dingo, right? Humor is very personal, and I personally didn't find the reference funny.

I really like the name "Internature," but I'm clueless why the police refer them to Chris and what consequence revealing her were status has and how her outing affects anything.

Who finds animal hairs in Chris' yard, and why was anyone looking? Is she a suspect of some sort? What did I miss? Since this bit comes right after the werecat revelation, I initially thought it must be Donovan's hair and that he and Chris were, well, "tussling" in the front yard, but then who would care?

What is the ad the neighbor left? A want ad or a "need help, call us" ad? Or did someone else leave the newspaper scrap (I'm not clear)? On purpose? If not, that's rather convenient, isn't it?

The only thing I took away from my reading is that Chris is a weredingo, her neighbor is missing, and someone in Internature is a werecat. That's it. I have no idea how any of these things tie together or what's happening. Like I said, maybe I'm tired and just not seeing something obvious. Sorry. I LIKE paranormals. And I want to like this. I'm just not getting it at all.

The first sentence lost me ... I dunno, who? Then I get a negative answer and the confusing information that there is only one weredingo in the world with no context. Immediately followed by what I think is a repeat but I had to circle round myself: the police don't want to either, so they give the job to Chris ... a weredingo. Er, but there's only one weredingo .... OH, so it's Chris who would rather eat a baby, right. Um, so what's the deal with the fur?

I desperately want to be drawn into this but I think I need more basic information about what is happening.

In your new version, I never understand what the crime is, nor why Chris is trying to solve it instead of eating babies. The advert seems to be important, but it isn't from an agency that I don't know and I haven't a clue what it says.

>Attn. [Agent/Editor],

Cutesy.

>Who wants to work with a clich馘 paranormal crime-
>fighting team? Not the only weredingo in the world葉his
>bitch would rather eat a baby.

Tacky, at best.

>Finding non-dingo animal hairs in Chris's yard is
>suspicious enough.

Uh oh. I have non-dingo animal hairs in my yard.

I was going to take a stab at rewriting this but I can't work out what is happening. Do CM & DM team up to investigate the missing neighbour before her dingoness is revealed? Is that the event that causes the overworked police to refer ISB to CM? If not, these's probably a bit of plot you need to mention.

How about just saying what happens, and see if that works?

I thought this was better than your first one, but your first paragraph is still not working for you. Alot of agents have said to try not to start out with a question so I would scratch that. I liked your previous first paragraph better, although it was also a little confusing. IF you can just nail your first paragraph, and give us a little more plot detail, I think your query would be really interesting.

A cliché paranormal crime-fighting team is not necessarily the ideal workplace for the only weredingo in the world.

The police don't want to deal with nutcases, so they refer the International Supernatural Board (a.k.a. Internature) onto private investigator Christina Margolin. Chris's weredingo status has never been known, until she involuntarily shape-shifts in the presence of Internature's Special Agent Donovan Moreno, a werecat.

Finding non-dingo animal hairs in Chris's yard is suspicious enough. But then her neighbor disappears, leaving behind an Internature ad - one not placed by officials. So a renegade imposter - a Shifter - is holding an innocent hostage for reasons only the Shifter knows. But to capture the Shifter, Chris must become bait.

It's still not clear enough for me. Does Internature go to the police asking them to investigate something, and the police pass it off to the PI? Or are the police investigating Internature, but pass it off because they decide they're nutcases?

This may not be your plot, but it maintains a story line:

When the International Supernatural Board (a.k.a. Internature) demand that the police investigate the possible existence of a weredingo, the police don't want to deal with nutcases, so they refer Internature to private investigator Christina Margolin, not realizing that she's the weredingo. Chris starts by questioning Internature's Special Agent Donovan Moreno . . . not realizing that he's actually a werecat.

(New title suggestion: The Truth About Werecats and Weredingos)

The two fight like cats and dogs, until Chris's neighbor disappears. Now they must work together to find a renegade Shifter and free its hostage. With Chris acting as bait, they lure the Shifter etc. etc.


You have seven sentences. I think you should go for ten, and not by adding new stuff, but by developing what you already have to make it more clear.

The wording is still awkward and you do not tell us what is at stake nor where you are heading with the plot.

I'm going to step through the query from start to end, noting where I had questions or issues.

A cliché paranormal crime-fighting team

Not sure what this is but do you really want to lead off with something being cliche in your query? Is the team made up of paranormals or do they fight paranormal crimes? If the former, it seems a weredingo would indeed find it an ideal workplace,so I'm already scratching my head reading this.

EE's dealt well with the first sentence of your 2nd 'graph.

If Internature is not the ideal workplace for a weredingo, is it the ideal place for a werecat? And I'm still not getting the consequences of her shifting. Internature now knows she's a weredingo. So what?

Still not getting who finds non-dingo hair in Chris' yard or why anyone's looking. Why But then? Is that meant to imply something? Like Chris is under suspicion? Still not clear what the ad is, and are the "officials" who didn't place the ad Internature folk? Why are they "officials"?

Starting the next sentence with "So" makes me think there was some sort of cause and effect that I seem to have missed out on. The evidence of the ad leads to the conclusion a renegade imposter has kidnapped the neighbor? Huh?

What's a "renegade imposter"? Isn't that an oxymoron? You could have a "renegade team member," but if the imposter has never been an Internature member, how can they be renegade?

How does the team know the hostage is innocent? Is "innocent" necessary here, or don't use the term and keep 'em guessing?

Why lead off the last sentence with "But"? It doesn't seem to follow from anything.

Sorry. But I am still confused about the storyline here, and even confused about whether Chris and Don are an item.

At least he wasn't bitten by a tse-tse fly or he might have become a fly by night. ;)

Oh, my. Your plot does unfortunately follow the comic book's plot, going by the covers at least.

I realise that this sort of accidental repeat is disheartening; but I think that the comparison is even worse because your query letter makes the plot elements sound rather florid.

I don't know which would be worse for a man: Reading about Noah's shrinking penis OR being forced to sit through the Vagina Monologues with my Mother.

I swear I've seen this before, in short story form. Possibly Realms of Fantasy, at some point? I read a lot of sci fi/fantasy rags, so it could be anything, really.

It just doesn't sound original to me, and honestly, wouldn't pick it up in a store.

Well. Weirdest plot ever.

You know, he's in San Fransisco. If he said "I turn into a woman for three days, once a month," his friends would probably not bat an eye. Some of them may do the same thing as well.

You could get a hilarious scene out of a Cinderella-type scene where "she" is kissing the prince right at midnight on the third night. Changes, and hilarity, would ensue. Well, something would ensue anyway.

I can't help wondering if the writer realised what woman go through during the three days of full moon.

Familar? Familar?
Try "transgender" in the Nifty Erotic Story Archive.
Try the "male to female" section of Choose Your Own Change website.
Try Fictionmania, a huge archive of trnasgender fiction.
Try "The Other Sex" in the Transformation Story Archive.
Men turning into women is a grand theme of a whole lot of amateur erotic fiction out on the web.

I was hoping this was a werewolf story. They seem to be as popular as vampire novels and paranormal creature feature stories.

EE: I think the label for this one should be "Contemporary Paranormal" rather than "Contemporary Fantasy." Paranormals feature supernatural characters such as vampires, ghosts, angels and werebeasts in a world where these things are extrordinarily rare. Stories set in a world where these things are more expected (like Buffy), would fall under the "Urban Fantasy" label. But that's just splitting hairs (or possibly fur), and much of it is gray area.

Shame on you for including that link to the comic books without a spoiler advisement. Now all I can think to ask the author is if he thought about the pregnancy angle...

Played up for real laughs, this could work. EE points out the query hints at humor, but it is hard to tell just by reading this on which side of the laugh line the story lies. I'm hoping it's a paranormal chic lit romp.

It may also be appropriate in a query for a story like this to include the level of sex in it. I think agents will be wondering. Sensual, spicy, erotic, sweet?

Man, that's cold: You break up with your boyfriend and this is your revenge?

Has he read it yet?

As Contemporary paranormal isn't a label I've used, this would be the only query with that label, so I just added urban fantasy. I do have paranormal romance, but I don't see the romance angle here.

I'm wondering if the comic book covers are real or gags. Based on the prices these would have come out in the late fifties, and some seem a bit wild for the time. On the other hand, if you're creating gag covers you usually wouldn't make 12 with the same title.

EE, if you think these appear a bit wild for the times, you should check out the Judge a Book By Its Cover blog, especially this post:
http://judgeabook.blogspot.com/2007/
06/mammary-monday-pulp-edition.html

BTW, Author, I lived in SF for 12 years. If you do not intend humor by using that as the main character's home town...maybe change his residence to Barstow or something???

They look like reworkings--on the home page there's a panel that's obviously been redone. In fact, if you look at the seal, they say something about being lovingly redone.

Maybe I don't get around enough, because I've never seen anything like this before. I thought it sounded cute and funny.

Those aren't "gag" comic covers. The gang over there is seriously involved with transgender stories. Someone made them up as what they would have wanted to buy in the 50's.

Where I used to work, we had a transgender person (male to female) and all I can say is that it was a learning experience for all involved. I don't mean that in a perjorative way. The people who pay attention to things, learned good things and the jerks who never wanted to understand it, still don't understand. Most of the desire to change sexes is mental not physical.

This story is a bit of a throwback to the Greek Legend of Tiresias, who after striking snakes was turned into a female and eventually back to male. Then when he commented to Zeus and Hera that women ahd more fun, Heras struck him blind and Zeus contered by giving him 7 lifetimes and his abilities as a seer. From this we get the twisted snakes of the Caduseus.

I don't think that WereWoman who changes once a month (a lunar cycle) is ever going to reach that level of mythic proportion.

Regardless, It would have an audience if it was well written. Yanno, Miss Snark used to say write the best story you can and make it good and you will get an audience. I think this fits the "good writing will trump all" situation.

I'm with amyb,

I liked the idea of this.

I liked reading this query. It was funny, and so were EE's asides, especially-
"Not even EE would go so far as to kill just to hear some woman say, "Is that a rejected manuscript in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" And the shrivel job in Lake Superior - belying the name. Good one.

And I liked the author's line -"But not all discovery is fun."
We've all been there, or I guess 'we' all have, anyway.

Well, the idea certainly isn't that original, as others have pointed out, but there's not enough about the plot to tell whether your treatment of it is interesting, original, insightful, or just plain funny. I get the impression that you've got a chick lit style story, where the boss falls in love with the woman side of him. But it also sounds like it could be serious -- like maybe he's going to trigger the boss's sadistic serial killer streak or something.

I don't get any feel for what's at stake for the main character, or why getting his job back is so important to him -- or why he lost it in the first place, for that matter.

So he changes into a woman. That it? Ohhh, THOSE three days of the month - when wimmen howl at the moon and bite the menfolk for acting like complete slobs who drop mayo on the floor so you slip and crack your head on the tool box and trip over the broken iron's trailing flex and you just want to scream but you bite him instead. Those days.

I'd read it if it involves rending apart useless males. The second paragraph is puerile: teen boy groping fantasy bleah.

Anon 1:02 - Are you telling me that if you were a male and you changed into a female for three days - you wouldn't take a good, hard, uncompromising and unabashed look at your new anatomy?

Wow.

I think this must be one of those "you call it corn, we call it maize" kinds of things...you know, where you'd call it puerile, and others might call it their own personalized anatomical, stopwatch-free adventure. At least Noah's gotten something tangible from his night of debauchery.

I'm saying I wouldn't read it, is all. You think an agent reading that second paragraph's gonna go, "Wow, maize."

No, anon - I don't think they'd say "maize".

Absolutely not.

I call it a-maize-ing!

(Not really. Just popping in to make the obvious joke. Leaving now.)

No one commented that losing a penis was hard on him?

That choice of wording is suspect, if it isn't comedy.

Will he learn in time something all women know, that some men don’t take no for an answer?

Uh...this sounds like rape. In fact, that is rape. The rest of your query, what with the dick-shriveling and anatomy-inspecting, sounds pretty light-hearted. If you're really saying that s/he is suddenly in danger of being raped and realizes too late how fragile we poor women are, then I think you need more of a segue into the real danger, or if it's not rape/real physical danger, you need some different phrasing. Rape is not funny or light.

Heather, there was a funny story in F&SF sometime last year, about a gay guy who got a dog after a bad breakup, and the dog turned into a woman during the full moon. She helped set him up with his cute vet, I think.
That might be what you're remembering? (ooh, word ver is mrbyen - mr. bean?)
-Barbara

I'm guessing Falco isn't the name of the moon goddess. I know it looks like it should be....

Loved GTP #1 -- I thought of Oz immediately when I saw the title too.

The names in the plot really bothered me, by the time I got to FALCO I found my mind had shut down to protect it from endless repeating Rock Me Amadeus.

It's not really my genre so probably my fault. Sorry :(

So, these decendants of legends have to come to the real world and do research(or find Terry Pratchett) to figure out which legendary figure they are descended from so they know which magical power they can use to defeat the deranged demi-god?
Holy Golden Bough, Batman!
There's a neat story in there somewhere.

Gem City, a metropolis populated by the descendents of archetypes and fictitious personalities from Earth's literature and mythology.

This is a very original way to be unoriginal. At the very least, I would drop "archetypes" because it sounds like an excuse to be derivative. Personally, I couldn't identify the fictitious ancestors of your characters, but I haven't consumed all of Earth's literature and mythology either. Unless you tie these "descendants" to recognizable fictitious personalities (which you don't in the query), I would drop this all together.

Also, what does the Dreamwonderer wonder about? And how does he/she help vanquish Trifecta? Does he bore him to death with metaphysical introspection?

Thanks Buffy. I've reworked my comments with this new understanding.

It's way too early in the morning (where I am anyway) to try to imagine the coupling involved to create a "half-dragon child." Egads.

Does Trivera get defeated in the end, or is this the first in a series of live-action Saturday morning shows like Power Rangers? The culmination of all these trials is that the kids learn about their past, and they find that that's important to facing the future perils of the city. Not a real compelling conclusion, unless this is literary fiction, which clearly it's not.

What, exactly, does a Shadow Elemental need to train for? Is this like a readin', ritin', and rithmetic school or more like Rica's sword school where heavenly beings often appear to crown royalty? Or is it supposed to be like Hogwart's in some ways, only full of random mythical/magical creatures? And is there a whole class full of Shadow Elementals taught by an elderly Shadow Elemental, or does the teacher have to be really well schooled in diversity and have to teach all kinds of elementals, half-dragons, demigods, etc.?

Why is the city called The Gem City (is that its name or nickname)? Why is the novel called The Gem City? The story is about Matty and her friends, not about the city, right?

Are there lots of cities in this world, and do they each have their own university? Do Shadow Elementals go on university trips with their parents? Does the university have a football team and offer scholarships? Are there college entrance exams?

And exactly how does one have an "eventful evening" doing research in what sounds like a school library? (OK, I know some people who had extremely eventful evenings in the library in college, but I doubt that's what you mean.)

Sorry, I think I've gotten sidetracked.

Do what EE says. Start over with GTP #3 and put in only the necessary stuff.

If you are using gods, demigods, and other archetypes from literature and mythology then you have to stick to those archetypes. You just can't invent a new "archtype" to solve the problem. I think your letter has a flaw there.

Also, defeating the villian is described as complex and nearly impossible. I am guessing that (in plain English) you mean that pure physical force isn't going to work and that the heroes must do something nifty and smart to trap the villian and re-imprison him.

This reminded me of Niell Gaimen's American Gods.

Believe me, after six fruitless months of queries, the excitement wears off. :)

Word ver: kuess. No, go on, kuess!

First off, I love this concept:

The city awakes to the light of a rising moon that fills the sky and sleeps during the terrifying hours of All Dark.

Sort of Dark-City-ish. Places without sunlight are nifty.

After that, you degenerate into blah, cliche, vagueness, etc. In your last hook paragraph, we start to get a glimpse of what's going on here -- and it could definitely be interesting. They're our dream world, etc. But by then, there was too much blah for me to really care.

I agree with all who said "ditch the names". Especially "Falco". What is this, Starfox? It's hard to have a name that's one character away from a common word (like an animal) and not sound a bit cheesy. "In the land of Nectarin, our heroes Squirre, Dolphi, and Elephan set out on an epic quest..."

Before you get too disgusted with the 'half-dragon' concept, people need to understand that in fantasy some dragons morph into human form. (Raymond Feist's books set in Midkemia are a case in point)

PS. Ever since the Google/Blogger union, I haven't been able to sign on, despite having the right dang passwords...ticking me off.

This makes me think comics, particularly DC. I think it's the city name (Star City, Opal City...). Then there's the team of Companions fighting great evils. And Companions passing the mantle to the next generation.

(Dhewco, I always have to go to the Dashboard to log in, it nevers works if I try to log in on the comments page. Silly.)

Here is the problem. You included pretty much all the usual genre devices but nothing exceptional. Nothing that I haven't seen before. No surprises. No great jokes or suspense or sparkling prose.

In the future you might try mentioning only the plot and character points which are both exciting and unique to your story. Plus iron out the sentences so people aren't stuck puzzling over who Falco is etc.

The problem I had with this is so many names and unfamiliar concepts were thrown at me at once that my eyes glazed over. Though I like fantasy novels, I have a hard time with the ones that give me no anchor to something I understand.

Dave mentioned American Gods. I see the similarities too, but American Gods had the advantage of opening with normal characters in an ordinary modern-day setting (a prison). So when Gaiman started introducing the fantastical elements, I was firmly anchored and ready to absorb them.

The world in this query seems to be one of those in which absolutely everything is different, but I still need something I can relate to. A character in a situation I can sympathize with, perhaps. Lots of characters were thrown at me in this query, and I never had an opportunity to connect with any of them.

I do think the idea of a world populated by people's dreams is pretty cool.

The "half dragon" concept brings on rapid rejection not so much through "disgust" as because we get no description of it and no reason to be excited to read about any "half dragon", never mind this one. It just comes off as a shallow gimmick. We don't even know what the undragon half is. Human? Toad? Pixie? Bat? Who cares? So what?

At age 10, I was agog for anything dragon, but now it's a tough sell. Especially if it acts like an ordinary dog in a dragon suit or, Zeus forbid -- speaks English and acts like a guy in a dragon suit. I'd rather you just ditch the dragon suit. They're so cumbersome.

Kill most of the first paragraph. Being "excited" makes you sound less than professional.

It reads a bit like The Neverending Story , a kid from the world the created this fantasy one by dreaming it must now save it.

Focus on the current quest/ problem not the Companions's back history. I think the query would be stronger without them.