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The spring book festival season is underway. As a public service, here is a list of bad behavior I've observed and/or had to contend with.

Panel Moderator: 

1. Wait to contact panelists till two days before the event—or not at all. 
2. Be unfamiliar with panelists’ work: Not read author’s book (at least the first few chapters and website); not know who the literary agent represents; not know titles the editor has worked on. 
3. Have no agenda for the panel, or a vague one, e.g., “I will read brief introductions, and each of you should speak for 12-15 minutes. Then we will take a few questions.” 
4. Let panelists talk for so long that there’s no time for audience Q&A. (This happened with the panel in #3.) 
5. Talk a lot about yourself or read from your own book. Your job is to help the panelists shine. If they look brilliant, so will you. 

Panelist: 

1. Cancel at the last minute because you just realized that the finances won’t work for you. Or cancel due to “family reasons”—but keep the plane ticket the organizers paid for. 
2. Author: Leave book at home, or not have a reading figured out—and practiced!—beforehand. Agent/editor: Leave business cards at home. 
3. Read for 15 minutes when you’re asked to read for five. 
4. Monopolize the conversation and/or interrupt other panelists. 
5. Belittle the moderator (“If you’d read my book…"), other panelists (“I can’t believe you’d say such a stupid thing!”) or audience members (“If you’d been listening, you wouldn’t need to ask that question.”) 

Audience:

1. Leave your cellphone ringer on. 
2. Give copies of your manuscript or self-published book to panelists. 
3. Pitch your book during Q&A session. 
4. Ask self-serving questions instead of general ones. (“Why didn’t you answer the query I sent you six months ago?” vs. “What should a writer do if an agent hasn’t responded to their query after six months?”) 
5. Engage a panelist in lengthy conversation afterwards, when there’s a line of people waiting behind you. 

  I'll be at VaBook Festival next week. Now go forth and be good!

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What a crazy 2 weeks it's been:

• Monday 9/28 - 8:45am: visit to emergency room for lumbar and leg pain; 3pm exam by osteopath.
  
• Tuesday 9/29 - 1:30am: another ER visit; 2:30pm exam by physiatrist & house showing (canceled when we arrived at doctor's office; GRRR); 6pm dinner with AJ Jacobs & posse before his event for THE GUINEA PIG DIARIES at the Tattered Cover (which I was too sore to attend).
  
• Thursday 10/1 - 4pm: house showing & neuromuscular massage at MassageSpecialists.com.*
  
• Friday 10/2 - Literary Ladies Luncheon (see 10/9 New West article by Janet Singleton!)
  
• Monday 10/5 - 11am: epidural steroid injection by physiatrist.
• Tuesday 10/6 - 10am: exam by spine surgeon, who set up immediate surgery; 5pm neuromuscular massage; 6:30pm dinner with Agent Kristin.
  
• Wednesday 10/7 - 8:30am pre-op physical with GP; 3pm shrink session.
• Thursday 10/8 - 6am check-in for 7:30am surgery (moved up from 10:30--YAY!).
  

The surgery went fine. Though my back hurts like hell, my leg's already improving and I feel better than I ever dared dream. Thanks again for all the encouraging comments, especially from Alan Orloff, who gave me hope when I needed it most.

Enough of the sweet stuff. Now for the bitter...

Darling Husband's job--the one that moved us to Denver in Dec 2005--was eliminated in June. So our Blue Cross/Shield plan is now under Cobra. (How fitting that US health coverage is named for a venomous snake.) The surgery had to be pre-approved by Blue Cross, else it wouldn't have been scheduled. The first thing I had to do when hobbling into the hospital's registration office yesterday morning was submit my insurance ID card & driver's license. Then I had to sign & initial a gazillion forms.

After I was lying in a gurney prepped for surgery--with glasses off, so I couldn't read anything--I had to sign and initial even more forms. The kicker came just before I was knocked out, when I was given a form agreeing to pay the surgeon's assistant, who's an independent contractor. The surgery can't be done without her, but Blue Cross doesn't believe it takes 4 hands to:

• slice into the back with the aid of a microscope;
• move aside the spinal cord & sciatic nerve;
• cut the bulge off a lumbar disc;
• cut off protruding arthritic knobs at the end of 3 vertebrae that have changed 3 discs from elastic white to hard black;
  
• staple everything closed.
  

So the surgeon's office will submit the payment request and Blue Cross will deny it. Then the surgeon will appeal and months later Blue Cross will relent and pay the claim. Maybe. Otherwise we'll have to make a payment plan with the surgeon. By then DH will have a new job. Maybe.

I got little sleep last night because every time the nurse turned off the lights & left the room, some machine started beeping wildly. First it was the one that inflated cuffs around my calves every few seconds to keep blood clots from forming (and me from relaxing). Then it was the IV machine. Then it was the oxygen pump. Then it was the oxygen pump monitor.

"Look," I said, "give me another Valium so this stupid stuff won't bother me anymore, OK? And give the machines Valium, so they'll calm down too."

I got the Valium. Don't know if the machines did, though they did shut up eventually.

I was back home and in bed by 1:30pm, after having belted down a couple of Valium so I'd be sure to sleep. A nanosecond after DH finished tucking the covers under my chin, Max leaped onto me. Within minutes I was zonked out with a 14-lb purring heating pad draped from crotch to chin.

Not 2 hours later my bliss was shattered by a phone call from a lady at the hospital billing office. What could she possible want? Well, it seems that Blue Cross, which just this morning had approved the physical therapist's request for a walker, told her that my insurance had expired months ago. Kudos to me for not swearing a blue streak when I told her to call Blue Cross back and inform them how extremely wrong they are.

I'll bet that the people in Congress fighting universal health care--whose generous coverage is funded by our tax dollars--don't go through crap like this.

Is this a great country, or what?

*Note to FTC: I received no goods, payments, services--or even dinner--from any persons or entities in return for my mentioning them in this blog post. Though considering the cost of health care, I would have gladly accepted medical kickbacks.

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Agent Kristin Nelson, author Jamie Ford & yours truly, channeling Jack Bruce, Eric Clapton & Ginger Baker (at bottom).

Jamie Ford, author of the new bestseller HOTEL ON THE CORNER OF BITTER AND SWEET, had a reading at Denver's Tattered Cover on Tuesday evening. His agent, Kristin Nelson, hosted a reception beforehand at Encore Restaurant next door.

Naturally I was at both events, because:

1. I consulted with Jamie last year.
2. I am the Party Girl.
3. I live 130 paces from the TC/Encore--didn't even have to cross the street.
   

More than 60 people came to the reception, then packed Jamie's reading and bought lotsa books.

Note to agents:
Host receptions for each of your authors when they do events in your hometown. It doesn't cost all that much, and is a swell way to bump up book sales (and maybe get your clients on a local bestseller list), plus have some fun. And it's all tax-deductible!

Note to authors:
You don't have to do much--if any--reading at your readings. The idea is to be entertaining. Jamie read for all of 5 minutes, spoke for 25, with the rest of the time for Q&A. And the audience ATE IT UP.

Last week I went to a "reading" by Jacqueline Winspear, out on tour for her new Maisie Dobbs mystery, AMONG THE MAD. Every seat was taken, the audience was rapt and Winspear didn't read a single word from the book. In fact, she said precious little about it, other than that there's an explosion and some of the action takes place in a madhouse. She mostly talked about World War I, its aftermath in the UK (the series begins in 1929; it's 1931 in the current book) and about her grandfather, a veteran of the Battle of the Somme who was picking shrapnel out of his legs into his seventies.

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Headlines from the publishing world make one reel: layoffs, budget cuts, book review sections cancelled, conventions cancelled (BookExpo Canada was axed yesterday).

I'd like to get a peek behind the news. How is all this affecting you people in the trenches: agents, editors, publicists, writers?

Leave a comment or email me: blog (at) bellastander.com.

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This gives new meaning to "black and white and read all over."

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The Virginia Festival of the Book begins Wednesday, and Tuesday I'm off to beautiful Charlottesville, my late (lamented!) hometown for the festivities. Following is a listing of programs that my current & former clients and buddies are doing. See the Literary Ladies Luncheon blog for listings of programs involving LLLers.

WED 3/26
12:00pm High Gloss: Making the Beautiful Book
With Susan Tyler Hitchcock (Geography of Religion: Where God Lives, Where Pilgrims Walk), Jon Lohman (In Good Keeping: Virginia's Folk Apprenticeships), and Anne B. Barriault and Kay Davidson (Selections from the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts).

4:00pm Opening the Vein: Pouring Life into Writing
The Moseley Writers, Jennifer Riesmeyer Elvgren (Josias, Hold the Book), Deborah Prum (Rats, Bulls, and Flying Machines), Fran Cannon Slayton (How to Hop a Moving Train), and Andy Straka (Record of Wrongs), discuss how real life experiences inform fiction and keep writing fresh in a marketing-saturated world.
Moderator: Andy Straka

4:00pm Life As We Know It: Novels of Change and Healing
With Virginia Boyd (One Fell Swoop), Therese Fowler (Souvenir) and Judy Merrill Larsen (All the Numbers).

6:00pm Trying to Get it Right: Fiction About Marriage
Jenny Gardiner (Sleeping with Ward Cleaver), James Collins (Beginner's Greek), and Joshua Henkin (Matrimony) offer fictional perspectives of twenty-first century marriages.
Moderator: Jeanne Siler
* * * * * * * * * * * *

THURS 3/27
12:00pm Race and Place: Memoirs
With Margaret Gibson (The Prodigal Daughter: Reclaiming an Unfinished Childhood), Evans Hopkins (Life After Life: A Story of Rage and Redemption), and Kim Reid (No Place Safe: A Family Memoir).

12:00pm History in These Waters: Pre-Jamestown to the Present
Amy Waters Yarsinske (The Elizabeth River) and Avery Chenoweth (Empires in the Forest: Jamestown and the Beginning of America).

12:00pm Reading Group Choices
Barbara Mead (Reading Group Choices), James Collins (Beginner's Greek), Jill A. Davis (Girl's Poker Night, Ask Again Later), and Therese Fowler (Souvenir).

2:00pm Of Vice and Men: Crime, Money, and Panic in America
Kenneth Ackerman (Young J. Edgar), Steven Harper (Crossing Hoffa: A Teamster's Story), and co-authors Robert F. Bruner and Sean Carr (The Panic of 1907: Lessons Learned from the Market's Perfect Storm).

2:00pm In Good Keeping: Virginia's Living Traditions
Jon Lohman (author) and Morgan Miller (photographer) will discuss the making of their book, In Good Keeping, on the Virginia Folklife Program. Charles McRaven, a folklife master craftsman (The Stone Primer) will discuss his books.

6:00pm Battles of the Civil War
Jack Hurst (Men of Fire: Grant, Forrest, and the Campaign that Decided the Civil War), John Baldwin (Last Flag Down: The Epic Journey of the Last Confederate Warship), and Marc Leepson (Desperate Engagement).

8:00pm Evil and Sin
With authors Barbara Oakley (Evil Genes: Why Rome Fell, Enron Rose, Hitler Failed, and My Sister Stole My Mother's Boyfriend), John Portmann (A History of Sin) and Jennifer Geddes (Evil After Postmodernism).

8:00pm Fiction Favorites
With Adriana Trigiani (The Big Stone Gap series), Homer Hickam (Rocket Boys, Red Helmet), and Jill A. Davis (Ask Again Later, Girl's Poker Night.)

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So far we’ve gone 10,956 miles in 49 days, with only 6 days to go. As I type we’re whooshing down Route I-94 heading toward Michigan. Not too long ago we went into Indiana, a state we’re passing through for only a few minutes—but it still counts! :-) The grass and shrubs have definitely looked more shaggy since Illinois, but that’s new. For the past few days we’ve been in clean, manicured farm country.

Let’s catch up:

Wall Drug, SD and the Badlands


Wednesday, the day after we saw Mount Rushmore, was a long driving day (about 700 miles!), but Karen is never one to let a cool-sounding place pass by without calling out “Stop!” So that’s what we did in Wall Drug, South Dakota, where the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally was in full swing. The entire town, which was originally built around a drug store, was filled with bikers, bikers, and more bikers. How could we pass up a chance to buy a Harley Davidson t-shirt in the biker heartland of America?

BIG, BAD BADLANDS



The badlands: Truly bad, or just misunderstood? Here’s Evan:

EVAN: The Badlands were covered with white rock and it seemed sort of like the moon. It was very hot and I liked it because in some places the rock was burned so badly that it made colors (Mark’s note: actually, this was different levels of sediment—and way cool) and suddenly when you leave the Badlands it looks like you’re in the regular world again. There were a lot of motorcycle guys everywhere too.

Minnesota


So then we reached Minnesota. The photo above was the most difficult "entering a new state" photo we've taken. The sign was on the highway, and we had to climb up a hill, through some brambles, and then squeeze into a tiny area of dirt in the middle of some bushes. Note that Evan is parting a shrub with his arm so the state name can be seen.

In Minnesota we stayed Chaska, just outside of Minneapolis, with our friends Patricia Danielson, Vicki Boeddeker, and Mike Weinkauf. Patricia took a couple of days off work to show us around the Twin Cities. We saw first-hand the damaged remains of the collapsed bridge on I-35W—just awful. Five weeks and two days after crossing the Mississippi in the south (into Louisiana), we crossed it in the north. It’s a lot calmer in the north! We also saw the beautiful state capital building. Thanks Patricia, Vicki, and Mike!




A note from KAREN: Mark asked why I’ve only been writing about bad experiences. I don’t see it that way, I see them as different experiences than life in Wayland, MA. For example, my 2^nd night in Vicki’s house. Here we are, comfy cozy, away from bears and rattlesnakes, what else could happen at night? My first big lightening storm on the prairies of Minnesota, that’s what!! Holy cow ! I got out of bed and was blinded by the flashing lightning, and then jumped out of my PJ’s when I heard the loud crack and kaboom of the lightning right outside the window! Did a tree fall down? Did we get hit by lightning? Another night of no sleeping because of fear!! The next morning, as usual, everyone including Mark said it was a normal storm, no big deal . WELL, we got an email from a friend in the area who said the storm blew out windows like a tornado and power was out for a few days. She asked if we were in the eye of the storm! See, I’m not crazy!!


WILD RUMPUS

Wild Rupus was wild indeed. An amazing independent bookstore in Minneapolis, the whole store was designed to look like it was transforming from an inside space to the outdoors. Helping to create the effect were a whole menagerie of animals, including chickens, ferrets, Australian flying squirrels, fish, tarantulas, rats and many more. The kids were in heaven. Here we are with Manager Kristin Bergsagel bookseller Josh Harrod, Poopsie the ferret, and a Japanese chicken named Elvis. Thanks, Wild Rumpus—you are terrific!



THE RED BALLOON

Like a matching bookend to Wild Rumpus in Minneapolis, St. Paul is home to another amazing bookstore called The Red Balloon. Susan Hepburn was a terrific host, serving up lemon drops and lemonade. The Red Balloon is another must-visit bookstore for anyone the St. Paul area!



As a nice surprise, we were lucky enough to meet Shelley Swanson Sateren, fellow SCBWI member and author of the middle-grade novel Cat on a Hottie’s Tin Roof. Here’s Evan’s review:

EVAN’S REVIEW: Cat on a Hottie’s Tin Roof is a fun book about a girl who is geeky who when her friend moves away from Paris she finds a new friend who is stylish and cool. It was an interesting story because it’s interesting to see how a girl with so much smarts can try and be cool and fit in with everyone else. You should read it.

It was great to meet you, Shelley!


BACK TO THE HONDA DEALER ONE MORE TIME

Penelope’s rattling got kind of dubious so we stopped at the Honda dealer in Hopkins, MN. $560 later, (replaced ‘severely cracked’ exhaust manifold and gaskets, oil change, new battery) the minivan sounded a bit better—at least for the first twenty miles or so. After that, we’re pretty much back to the rattling we started out with. Oh well, it’s only money. :-)

Here’s Shane Beals, the Honda guy who washed Penelope—she badly needed it. Thanks, Shane!





Wisconsin


Next we drove through Wisconsin, a land of beautiful manicured farms and more red barns than you can shake a cheddar wheel at. So lovely!

In Green Bay we stopped to see a surprisingly large athletic facility where a local team plays a sport that apparently involves feet and leather hats. I hear that the locals are rather enthusiastic about it.




BUTTERFLY BOOKS

Just south of Green Bay, in DePere, is Butterfly Books, a roomy and cheerful independent bookstore run by Barbara Wilson. Barbara and her friendly team of booksellers were very kind, staying open later than usual on a Saturday afternoon just so that we could visit. Here I am with Barbara and Samantha Parker, bookseller and saxophone player. Great to meet you!




ROLLING AROUND IN PAIN IN MILWAUKEE

In Milwaukee we stayed with our friends Posh (really Josh, but he’s yet another friend with a mysterious nickname given by Karen) and Boris. They showed us around Milwaukee, and took us for custard at Kopps, a Milwaukee thing-to-do. The custard was a lot like ice cream except a lot denser—it’s made with eggs and who-knows-what-else and it sneaks up on you. Thank god I only had a small cone—by bedtime I felt so full that I rolled around in pain clutching at my stomach. But honestly, it was so tasty it was worth it! :-)



MILLER TIME

As any fan of Laverne and Shirley can tell you, Milwaukee is home to many breweries, so how could we pass up the opportunity to tour the Miller factory?






CREEKSIDE BOOKS

In beautiful Cedarburg, WI, about twenty minutes north of Milwaukee, is the terrific Creekside Books. Owner Glen Switalski is a man with an amazing story: After his doctor told him he needed to lose weight, he lost well over 100 lbs by exercise, diet and sheer force of will. Today he can be seen riding his exercise bike in and around his store every day. The guy is an aerobic, bookselling powerhouse! Creekside Books is a great independent bookstore, and Gary is a truly an inspirational guy.



Here I am with Lindsay McLaughlin, a reader and artist who came to see me. She was fun to talk with, and very helpful in suggesting places we could go in the area. Great to meet you, Lindsay! :-)


Illinois: An All-Too-Short Trip Through the Land of Lincoln


Southward from Milwaukee...! Unfortunately, we had only a few hours in Illinois. Still, it counts as state number 31 on our trip! :-)

UNDER THE SYCAMORE TREE

In Grayslake, Illinois, about forty minutes north of Chicago, is a magical bookstore called Under the Sycamore Tree. A new independent store, owner Jackie Harris opened up shop this past November. It’s a roomy, bright place with a big “sycamore tree” inside. The store has taken inspiration from Wild Rumpus (see Minnesota) and filled its space with wild animals. My kids were in their element. Zoe ran at me with a giant grin and a very big python named ‘Snakey’. Under the Sycamore Tree is yet another example of how independent bookstores tend to be run by smart, thoughtful, nice people. Jackie, it was a pleasure to meet you!

Here I am with Jackie and her daughter, Haley:




CHICAGO
Because we’re meeting a friend in Michigan later today, we had only about an hour or so to see Chicago. I know, I know—not even close to scratching the surface. So on top of just driving around a little, we decided that with our limited time we’d stop by Lake Michigan. As far as my eyes could tell, the lake might as well have been an ocean. Way cool. Next time, we’ll plan to spend more time here!



Our Trip Through Indiana: Don’t Blink Or You’ll Miss It
 

If you thought our stop in Chicago was too short, Indiana is only about a half hour of highway to us. Still, it counts as state #32. :-)

Next stop, Michigan!
--Mark

LEMONADE MOUTH (Delacorte Press, 2007)
I AM THE WALLPAPER (Delacorte Press, 2005)
www.markpeterhughes.com

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