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by Lauren
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
Dear (Agent's name),
Cleopatra Giancarlo is different from your average twenty-something career girl. For one thing, she knows when people lie because she can see the truth in their shadows. For another, she doesn't use her power for good. Or evil. After repeated failures to help others, she mostly just uses it to get deals at Bloomingdale's. She fears what the government would do if they discovered her ability, yet she longs to find out if there are people like her out there. If there's anything more she could be.
She gets her wish when two strangers whisk her away from her old life and introduce her to the world of suprasensors. John Arlin and Samantha Grooms represent an organization called YuriCorp, one of many privately-owned firms that employ supras like Cleo to increase their profit margin. Any of these firms would be thrilled to have Cleo on staff, and their methods of recruitment aren't always friendly.
But even in the world of supras, Cleo doesn't get to be normal. Her new boss wants her to go undercover and seek traitors in the company ranks. Her new friends know what she can do and how to work around it. And her new assignment might end up with her in a coma--or worse.
The Whole Truth is a 100,000 word paranormal women's fiction with a mouthy heroine who finds out people are people even when they can bend spoons with their brains. I've got an MFA in creative writing and am published in (titles/publishers/genres redacted for Slush Week purposes).
Thanks for your time, and I look forward to your response.
(Author's name)
Dear (Agent's name),
Cleopatra Giancarlo is different from your average twenty-something career girl. For one thing, she knows when people lie because she can see the truth in their shadows. For another, she doesn't use her power for good. Or evil.
(This kind of rhetorical set up is a bit too common and doesn't feel fresh to me.) After repeated failures to help others, she mostly just uses it to get deals at Bloomingdale's.
(This, on the other hand, works for me. I found it funny without being too cute. It's where the author first gets my attention.) She fears what the government would do if they discovered her ability, yet she longs to find out if there are people like her out there. If there's anything more she could be.
She gets her wish when two strangers whisk her away from her old life and introduce her to the world of suprasensors. John Arlin and Samantha Grooms represent an organization called YuriCorp, one of many privately-owned firms that employ supras like Cleo to increase their profit margin. Any of these firms would be thrilled to have Cleo on staff, and their methods of recruitment aren't always friendly.
Interesting premise. It's hard to write paranormal that doesn't sound like a million other books, but this manages to stand out.But even in the world of supras, Cleo doesn't get to be normal. Her new boss wants her to go undercover and seek traitors in the company ranks. Her new friends know what she can do and how to work around it. And her new assignment might end up with her in a coma--or worse.
The Whole Truth is a 100,000 word paranormal women's fiction
(This makes me wonder why the author doesn't call it paranormal romance, since paranormal women's fiction isn't really a category people usually refer to. Is the author trying to separate herself from romance or not doing her research or what? From a shelving standpoint, most paranormal is going in one of three places: romance, fantasy, or children's. Women's fiction typically goes in general fiction. Categories may be somewhat artificial, but it pays to know where you fit.)
by Rachel
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
Dear (Agent's name),Before she was F. Scott Fitzgerald's muse, seventeen-year-old Zelda Sayre was a mischief maker in her childhood town of Montgomery, Alabama. Known for wearing flesh-colored bathing suits and staying out late with boys, she caused her daddy some real grief.Flirting with boys and breaking their hearts was a daily occurrence for Zelda. Until she met Scott. He was a handsome lieutenant on base near her hometown. With one dance, Zelda was in love with him. But Scott was transferred to a different base, and love letters helped their romance. After an on-again, off-again courtship, they were finally married.And although their marriage was fun, darker things ran deep underneath the surface, like Scott's obvious alcoholism and the beginning of her schizophrenia. Growing up seems like a boring task and Zelda never thought she'd have to do it. But she can't stay a child much longer, can she?My YA historical fiction, GOLDEN, is complete at 80,000 words. The full manuscript is available if requested. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,(Author's name)Dear (Agent's name),Before she was F. Scott Fitzgerald's muse, seventeen-year-old Zelda Sayre was a mischief maker in her childhood town of Montgomery, Alabama. Known for wearing flesh-colored bathing suits and staying out late with boys, she caused her daddy some real grief.This query opening is quick to the point and sets the reader up nicely. Flirting with boys and breaking their hearts was a daily occurrence for Zelda. Until she met Scott. He was a handsome lieutenant on base near her hometown. With one dance, Zelda was in love with him. But Scott was transferred to a different base, and love letters helped their romance. (This could do with some elaboration. How did love letters help their romance? Did it need help? Was Scott in love with Zelda? The writer only says Zelda was in love with Scott, making it sound like a one-sided romance.) After an on-again, off-again courtship, they were finally married. (This is vague. This is only a query letter, but I’d still like to see some more specific information. Their relationship isn’t standing out from other relationships here and this is problematic considering this is fiction.)And although their marriage was fun (“Fun” doesn’t sound like the right word to use here. Maybe “carefree”, “enjoyable”?),
darker things ran deep underneath the surface, like Scott's obvious alcoholism and the beginning of her schizophrenia. Growing up seems like a boring task and Zelda never thought she'd have to do it. But she can't stay a child much longer, can she? (I was a little lost here. The author explains Scott’s alcoholism and Zelda’s schizophrenia, the
by Michael
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:Dear (Agent's name):An imprisoned poet. A mysterious orb. And one mega-dose of snotty older sister, named Athena.Twelve-year-old Jared Ahern’s got all three on his plate. (And that’s not counting the orb’s vicious inventor, trapped in a time sump.) Jared desperately wants to pry himself out from under Athena’s shadow and get some adulation of his own. When the orb, with its power for time travel and shape-shifting, summons him and Athena to rescue Shakespeare from the Tower of London, Jared leaps at the chance to show his mettle. Jared’s quick-thinking springs Shakespeare from his cell. But things go awry when Shakespeare returns with Jared to Oregon, leaving Athena stranded in the sixteenth century in the guise of Good Queen Bess. Worse yet, Jared’s sixth-grade enemy steals the orb. Now Jared must use both his skateboard and his love of “Star Wars” to retrieve the orb and rescue Athena, before she becomes the Queen of England. Permanently.Shakespeare on the Lam is a middle-grade adventure, complete at 28,000 words.I follow the blog on your agency's website and see that you are looking for adventure middle-grade for boys, so I believe it might be a good fit for your list. I am enclosing a sample chapter, as stated in your submission guidelines. I’m also querying other agents.I am a member of SCBWI and Willamette Writers. My short story, “Carlito’s Question,” won 3rd prize in the 2009 Kay Snow Awards competition, sponsored by Willamette Writers. Shakespeare on the Lam is my first novel.Thank you for your time.Sincerely,(Author's name)Dear (Agent's name):An imprisoned poet. A mysterious orb. And one mega-dose of snotty older sister, named Athena.One of the issues I see most often with queries is when they try to be flap copy. This pitch is a little too cute for my tastes. I’d combine the above with the first sentence of the next paragraph, which will get us to the point sooner.Twelve-year-old Jared Ahern’s got all three on his plate. (And that’s not counting the orb’s vicious inventor, trapped in a time sump.) (I get worried when I see parentheticals in query letters. With how little room you have in a one-page query, the information is either important or not. If it’s important, take it out of the parentheses, if it’s not, delete it entirely.) Jared desperately wants to pry himself out from under Athena’s shadow and get some adulation of his own. (After hearing that Athena was a snotty older sister, I was surprised to hear that she’s so well-liked.)
8 Comments on Michael's Slush Week entry, last added: 3/5/2010
by Jessica
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:Dear (Agent's name):My dad made his living off people's inability to keep on living. Dad, who called himself Digger O'Dell, was the gravedigger and cemeterycaretaker in small-town Waseca, Minnesota. Death was our family business,and I spent long summer days in cemeteries. I wandered graveyards, readingnames off tombstones and wondering about the people in the ground. Iabsorbed the stories and images of those who had gone before me: a motherand her six kids killed by a train, a rosy-cheeked 15-year-old girl, acounty sheriff shot on duty. Yet, as I write in my memoir, We'll Be the Last Ones to Let You Down, astrange silence about death pervaded our lives. A large divide existedbetween working with death each day and actually understanding grief. Dadand Mom were no strangers to mortality-they bought their own giant tombstonein their early 40s, and they knew death intimately through the loss of lovedones. But in this stoic Midwestern place, our stories were not ours to tell,and I sought answers and explanations through the stories of others. Aftermy dad died from a fast-growing cancer when I was 15, the silence in myfamily grew exponentially. But I realized that just as the stories I grew upwith kept the dead alive, words would be the only way to prove that myfather walked this earth. Our stories must be ours to tell. Eight excerpts from my 68,000-word memoir have been published in print andonline literary journals. A short chapter earned first place in creativenonfiction in the 2009 Missouri Review audio competition. Another chapterwas selected runner-up for the 2006 Bellingham Review Annie Dillard Awardfor Creative Nonfiction. It was published in the Spring 2007 issue andsubsequently nominated for a Pushcart Prize. My memoir earned me a spot inthe competitive mentorship program at The Loft writing center in Minneapolis
18 Comments on Jessica's Slush Week entry, last added: 3/6/2010
by Stacey
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:Dear Mr./Ms. (Insert Agent's Name),Life is tough, but Natalie MacKenzie is about to find that it gets a whole lot tougher when your stepsister is a succubus.After Natalie is accused of burning the high school science wing to the ground (without anything more explosive than a pencil and paper), her father finally tells Natalie the truth: her mother wasnt human. Her father and stepmother decide to ship her off to a special school in Turkey where she can learn how to control herself and her fire abilities. The only thing that makes the idea bearable is that her parents allow her stepsister and best friend, Olivia, to join Natalie and the other students for a two week tour of the country. On the way, Natalie and Olivia fall for the same guy, David, and when he chooses Natalie, Olivia makes a deal to become a succubus, which gives her power to have any guy she wants. And she wants David. Its up to Natalie to figure out how to use her fire abilities to rescue both Olivia and David--assuming that the other elements let her live that long . . .My Stepsister is a Succubus is a young adult contemporary fantasy novel with 70,000 words. Although I have not yet published a novel, I have sold two magazine articles to the Ensign magazine. Thank you for your time and consideration.Sincerely,(Author's name)Dear Mr./Ms. (Insert Agent's Name),Life is tough, but Natalie MacKenzie is about to find that it gets a whole lot tougher when your stepsister is a succubus.I really like this opening line. It gets right to the point and draws the reader in. After Natalie is accused of burning the high school science wing to the ground (without anything more explosive than a pencil and paper), her father finally tells Natalie the truth: her mother wasnt human. Her father and stepmother decide to ship her off to a special school in Turkey where she can learn how to control herself and her fire abilities. It's very important to edit your letter carefully. Mistakes like "wasnt" instead of "wasn't" really stand out. Also the paragraph loses the reader and begs some questions. It's a big leap from "her mother wasn't human" to "Her father and stepmother decide to ship her off to a special school in Turkey where she can learn how to control herself and her fire abilities." Wait, what fire abilities? And if her mom wasn't human, what was she? And what's the special school, and why Turkey? This section needs to be reworked.The only thing that makes the idea bearable is that her parents allow her stepsister and best friend, Olivia, to join Natalie and the other
by Miriam
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump: (Dear Agent:)I would like you to represent, The Price of Blasphemy, a complete 62,000 word work of up-market fiction and social realism. The novel is told as a first-person narrative, throwing the reader into the tumultuous mind of Richard Bunbury, a charismatic and volatile agnostic who is determined to live a simple, Monticello-inspired lifestyle by operating a charity that aims to impede America’s divisive nature. While living in Washington D.C., Richard falls in love with Dawn, a devout Christian attorney who specializes in non-profit law. Incompatible faiths eventually create a fissure between the unlikely pair. Dawn begs Richard to convert, but he refuses, arguing that her God, if he exists, is passive and weak. Angered and outraged by Richard’s blasphemy, Dawn abruptly brings the relationship to an end. When the fury caused by his broken heart mixes with his preexisting (yet dormant) mental instability, Richard lashes out, which results in disastrous and shocking consequences. Beginning with the murder of an imaginary homeless man and progressing to leasing, insuring, and converting dilapidated Bible Belt churches into satanic places of worship, Richard is out to prove his theory that God is passive, while exploiting the Christian religion in order to acquire his personal Monticello. As Richard Pavlovian-ly predicts, the rural communities of North Carolina unknowingly facilitate his scheme with their helpful acts of arson, but as Richard’s sanity continues to crumble, his plan gets sloppy. Richard fails to account for the media’s outrage and the anger of the local townspeople, causing the reader to learn that drawing the ire and contempt of a pious following carries a steep price. The Price of Blasphemy explores themes of love and inhumane manmade divisiveness. In the tradition of A Clockwork Orange, The Catcher in the Rye, and Fight Club, this novel is deeply probing and begs the question: Which is more godly, faith or love? My book will be of broad public appeal in that it offers the fervor of controversy, true love, and a fragile protagonist who is a talking looking glass, representing the society of yours and mine. Our readership will vary from those with an appreciation for a touching story with clean, fluid prose, to those desiring to relate to a voice that shares feelings of isolation and an uncontrollable instinct to self-destruct. This is a multiple submission. If you are interested in reading the manuscript, I would love to give you the exclusive opportunity over an eight week period. Thank you for taking the time to help me pursue my literary endeavors.(Closing, Author's Name)(Dear Agent:)I would like you to represent (This is an awkward opening. I prefer something more artful. Like Jane, I think that opening a query with “I
by Chasya
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:Dear (Agent’s name):When Elisabeth Starr was five years old, there was a day that changed everything, an irreversible moment that tore apart her family and sent her life and her sister’s life in two very different directions. For twenty years she has held on to the secret of what truly happened.Now, returning to her childhood home in Western Massachusetts, Elisabeth learns that her mother plans to send her developmentally disabled sister, Kate, to an adult home. Determined not to let this happen, Elisabeth decides to take responsibility for Kate’s future and, together, they embark on a spontaneous road trip across the country. As she struggles with the dark secret about her role in Kate’s disability, Elisabeth discovers that it’s not Kate’s future that needs saving, but her own.
Spared is a 76,000 word work of Women’s Fiction about finding the right way just before it is lost forever. This is my first novel.Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission. I look forward to hearing from you.(Author's name)Dear (Agent’s name):When Elisabeth Starr was five years old, there was a day that changed everything, an irreversible moment that tore apart her family and sent her life and her sister’s life in two very different directions. For twenty years she has held on to the secret of what truly happened.This opening feels kind of awkward to me, particularly “there was a day that changed everything.” There’s a bit too much happening in the first sentence. The element of mystery that you’re trying to convey here could be more dramatic if the opening were a bit shorter and structured differently. For instance: Elisabeth Starr was only five years old on the day her life changed forever. In an instant, everything she knew would be torn apart, etc.… Now, returning to her childhood home in Western Massachusetts, Elisabeth learns that her mother plans to send her developmentally disabled sister, Kate, to an adult home.
This is not the first mention of her sister but the first mention of her condition. That threw me for a bit of a loop and I had to go back and reread this sentence. I’m also assuming this is the same sister, but is there a way to better clarify? Also, why is Elisabeth returning home? We don’t really know anything about her at this point and little more information might sell me on her character.Determined not to let this happen, Elisabeth decides to take responsibility for Kate’s future and, together, they embark on a spontaneous road trip across the country. Again, I feel as though this adventure could be conveyed in a more exciting way. The action she takes here is a pretty
by Jim
(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya's introduction.)
Let’s all take a look at the query on its own first, and then I’ll break it down with my comments inserted after the jump!Dear SLUSH WEEK SUBMISSIONS,
Half-Angel, Half-Demon, Alexsi Marks must balance the war between Heaven and Hell, without losing her soul in the process...
For Alexsi, life is challenging, if routine, until the night a demon tries to kill her. Finding out about her parentage is a shock, but learning she has both demonic and angelic magic opens the door to truth and shadows. When her friends are attacked and her apartment cleaned out-the jerks even took her damn cat-Alexsi has no choice but to follow the mysterious, alluring James and flee to the Sanctuary, a haven for those with angel blood. It doesn't keep her safe from her dreams, however, or the sexy demon Declan from trying to seduce her. Alexsi faces distrust and anger on all sides, leading to a challenge beyond the gates of Heaven, or Hell. She must overcome those trying to kill her, while walking a fine line between her good side and her wicked one.
WHERE ANGELS TREAD is an Urban Fantasy complete at 99k words. I am a finalist in the Houston RWA chapter's 2010 Emily Award, Paranormal Romance category. My memberships include RWA, FFnP, Online Romance Writers and my local chapter Desert Rose, as well as East Valley Writers.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included XXX per your submission guidelines.
Sincerely,
(Author's name)
Dear SLUSH WEEK SUBMISSIONS,
Half-Angel, Half-Demon, Alexsi Marks must balance the war between Heaven and Hell, without losing her soul in the process...
I have a few concerns about this opening. I question the capitalization of “Angel” and “Half-Demon,” and the ellipsis bothers me: it feels gimmicky. Just use the period. We know there’s more to come. My bigger concern is with “must balance the war between Heaven and Hell.” What’s she balancing the war with?For Alexsi, life is challenging, if routine, until the night a demon tries to kill her. (
This sentence feels a little clunky. First, starting with “life is challenging, if routine” doesn’t really tell us much. It feels a bit like filler. Try something like, “Alexsi lives a normal life until the night…” or “Alexsi’s life becomes challenging the night…”) Finding out about her parentage is a shock
(finding out what about her parentage? We can guess she’s discovering that her parents are an angel and a demon, but that isn’t actually stated), but learning she has both demonic and angelic magic opens the door to truth and shadows
(“the door to truth and shadows” could be a lovely metaphor, but it’s a little vague here. You’re working under such space constraints. Why not just tell us: “Alexsi learns that she is the offspring of an angel and a demon and possesses the magical abilities of both of her parents.”). When her friends are attacked and her apartment cleaned out-the jerks even took her damn cat-Alexsi has no choice but to follow the mysterious, alluring James and flee to the Sanctuary, a haven for those with angel blood.
(Who is James? How did she find Sanctuary? Are her friends attacked because of who/what Alexsi is? The biggest challenge in queries is deciding which information to share. You’re parsing so much material into a paragraph. You really need to focus on clarity and making the story as understandable as possible. I feel like you’re trying to focus on the exciting elements here, which makes sense, but you’re letting that get in the way of comprehensibility). It doesn't keep her safe from her dreams, however, or the sexy demon
by Jane
(For details on Slush Week, see
Chasya's introduction.)
We'll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:Dear (Agent’s name):I am seeking representation for my romantic suspense novel, SAVAGE MOUNTAIN, complete at 100,000 words.When Dan and Kay Logan find the body of the young woman in the woods, their lives change forever. Moving from the city to the sparsely populated Warner Mountains of California, the two are excited about their new life style and look forward to living full-time in the wild, rugged country where they have enjoyed vacationing for years. But mysterious dead bodies have a way of interfering with happy plans and memories.The sheriff barely arrives before the killer strikes again; this time the victims are the rancher and his wife who befriended Dan and sold him his small ranch. The murdered man had told Dan weeks ago that a shiftless hunting guide, Pat Riley, was jealous of Dan, held a grudge against them both, and mentally was “not quite right.”Riley’s known by the locals to be a nasty piece of work. Dan suspects he is the killer, and that he and Kay could be next in line, but running from trouble has never been the Logans’ style, and they are not about to change now. They prepare themselves and stay to face the threat, be it from Riley or someone else.The authorities investigate in their slow and meticulous way, while Dan and Kay attempt a normal life, hoping the killer will be apprehended, but expecting an attack at any time. SAVAGE MOUNTAIN is the classic story of two people in love, who face adversity and danger the old-fashioned way – on their own.Thank you for your time and consideration,(Author's name)Dear (Agent’s name):I am seeking representation for my romantic suspense novel, SAVAGE MOUNTAIN, complete at 100,000 words.Don’t begin a letter with “I.” It suggests a certain amount of self-involvement and perhaps a bit of lazy writing. In this case I would suggest you say something about knowing from looking at the website etc that I am interested in romantic suspense and as a result you would like to interest me in your novel currently entitled....When Dan and Kay Logan find the body of the young woman in the woods, their lives change forever. Moving from the city to the sparsely populated Warner Mountains of California, the two are excited about their new life style and look forward to living full-time in the wild, rugged country where they have enjoyed vacationing for years. But mysterious dead bodies have a way of interfering with happy plans and memories.
The sheriff barely arrives before the killer strikes again; this time the victims are the rancher and his wife who befriended Dan and sold him his small ranch. The murdered man had told Dan weeks ago that a shiftless hunting guide, Pat Riley, was jealous of Dan, held a grudge against them both, and mentally was “not quite right.�
Thanks to everyone who sent us slush week queries! We tried to be as random as possible, while still spreading it out across categories as best we could. (On occasion a query was reviewed by someone other than the addressee when it helped us to cover more ground.)
Check back Monday morning for the first of the week's responses!
I like this query and the concept. However, I would take out the "Bloomindale bargains" part. It lends a trivial nature to a story that is high stakes. I would put "bending spoons in her mind" in the beginning. It justifies her being sought out like she is some MIT grad and not scanning shoes.
This reminds me of the Firm in some way. Interested to see what they agents say!
Thank you for taking the time to share your responses to these letters with your visitors. It's very interesting and helpful!
One for Bloomingdales. One not. Interesting.
Two for Bloomingdale's! The point [i]is[/i] that it's trivial and that the character's not living up to her potential. That was the line that made me sit up and pay attention, too.
I liked the Bloomie's line, too. A lot of successful paranormnal/UF out there is pretty humorous, and this shows me the author has the knack.
Just my two cents. :)
Four for Bloomies! That made me laugh and was the turning point - it got me hooked and endeared the character to me. I would definitely read this. Good luck, author!
Just jumping in here to say, thanks for doing slush week, very informative, and plenty to mull over re: my own queries.