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Yeah, the premise is too loose for the age group, as EE said. Maybe it could all be a dream, after which he wakes up and is a good boy.

Good letter.

Gosh, I'd read it.

This sounds like it could be a neat kids' book. The thing that snagged my attention and raised questions was that the kid's called Monster and he gets sent to the Monster Apartments. A bit too coincidental for me.

I like that you say this book is fun; but it sounds a little dark. The "before you can spit" paragraph does lighten the mood a little bit. However, it doesn't really answer the question as to how Mo must solve his problems, or what the problems specifically are. I think maybe just a little bit more about what's at stake and the struggle Mo goes through might be added-- in particular something that makes the book sound more like the fun romp you say it is.

I too thought it acceptable to live with monsters but not alone at the age of twelve. We do have child services...

Yay! I was hoping this would come up soon. The author is in my online critique group. I know she's in Florida vacationing right now, but I hope she gets a chance to log in!!
The story is really good. I hope she posts the beginning.

Reminds me a little bit of Where the Wild Things Are. I like the minotaur as the bully monster.

I don't agree with the first anon's advice of making it all a dream.

The way the query's written, I think I'd take on faith the details that get him homeless and into his own apartment. After all, there are monsters living there, so something's already amiss. I'd read it. Well done.

I'd read it.

I did think parts of it sounded a bit too coincidental - like the Monster name and the 'Monster' Apartments. Makes it sound a bit on the hokey side.

Looks like a few minor tweaks and you're good to go.

My only concern would be labeling it as a coming-of-age story. I've read a lot of agents saying that is a turn-off. It's a bit cliche, and the story is clearly a coming-of-age one, so I don't think you need to call it such.

Fun premise, and I agree that a homeless twelve-year-old sounds odd in a query, but could probably be explained in a playful enough book.

It's funny what people are willing to believe and not believe. I, too, was completely willing to accept monsters in an apartment complex, but not a twelve-year-old kid living alone. You might want to give some sort of hint about how you handle it in the book since several of us are getting hung up on that point.

Good luck.

give some sort of hint about how you handle it in the book since several of us are getting hung up on that point

But all of you hung up on this point... if you were in an agent's shoes, would this keep you from requesting a partial? I'm thinking you might still request the partial, in which case the questions could be answered in the first 30 pages of the story.

I'm concerned that if the author tries to stick in the explanation for this point, it'll throw the query off focus or out of voice, doing more harm than good.

pjd - deefinitely a fair point, but given that a *lot* of us are thinking the same question, I'd say the query writer would be wise at least to consider whether that reason couldn't be included without destroying the balance of the letter. It's an obvious weak point, and eliminating that could leave the query pretty much impervious to agent nitpicking.

We're worried that there is no explanation, that the author assumes middle grade readers won't see a problem with the premise of a 12-yr.-old moving into an apartment alone.

One well-known agent was occasionally seen rejecting crap(o-meter) submissions when she didn't buy the premise.

Basically a very good query.

I don't know what an agent would think of a possible logic flaw, pjd, but if I saw that on the back of a book jacket, I would probably debate on the author's skill or lack thereof. Might keep me from buying the book. But she'd have the second chance at that point, because if I picked it up, I'd probably look at the first page.

Maybe I'm the only one, but I assumed the parents or parent also being homeless was a gimme. Also I assumed it was just a phrasing choice and that Mo was just being self-centric, you know, the world revolving around him and his problems.

Overall, the concept sounds pretty interesting.

Jodi

This has monster scope and works well as a query.

BUT—while I'm perfectly OK with monsters romping around all over the place, it's a fantasy premise that needs a rock solid foundation upon which to rest and I don't think the Home Alone 12 year old will wash.

I didn't get that he lived alone either. I just assumed that his parents were there but not central to the story.

I don't buy into the boy learning not to be a bully--what about the situation prompts him to confront the bully inside himself? Seems like wishful thinking to me.

My comments are vanishing again. I had said that I assumed the kid forged a parental name on the lease and used some of his stolen lunch money to hire some homeless guy to pose as his father for interviews.