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Do you ever wonder if you miss out on a really great book because the pitch is so-so?

I was reading the one about the revenge comment here and you were asking what makes it unique, which isn't unreasonable, but it's a little bit like:

An obsessed whaling captain drives his crew to destruction in revenge for a fishing accident that took his leg.

You can make the same comments about Moby Dick, but it doesn't really change that a 3-sentence pitch doesn't take into account the things that generally make books wonderful--characterization, unique setting, writer's voice, etc.

This question appeared in the comments of one of my pitch critiques and it’s a great one. Up until recently BookEnds was one of the few agencies to accept unsolicited proposal packages. This meant that anyone could send us the first three chapters and a synopsis of their book without querying first. We stopped this for a number of reasons. The first was that we found it was a huge waste of paper. We were rejecting 99% of those submissions and recycling, but still killing trees. We also found that we were rejecting a lot of them based on a read of the query letter and a read of only one or two pages, and in some cases based on the query alone. When all was said and done we discovered that 99% of the time we were really just rejecting on query letter alone. Now we are probably requesting 1-3% of all email queries we receive (about 100 a week) and still rejecting 99% of those, but saving a lot of trees.

The truth is that the query, and pitch, of course, is representative of the work. Often I will have concerns that something isn’t going to work, but request it anyway. Usually I’m right. And yes, I suppose I’ve missed out on a thing or two. But do you really read the first few chapters of every book you touch before deciding what to buy? You know, you might be missing out on some good books. The same holds true for agents. Every agent is going to admit that she missed out on a book or two simply because she didn’t get it. Of course, I can’t represent every single book. I can only represent those that grab me, those I believe in, and those I can market.
In my experience, if you can’t succinctly explain your story in a paragraph or two, and make it enticing to the reader, it’s very likely the book itself needs a lot of work.

Oh, and if Moby-Dick were pitched to me, I would not request it and I would not regret it. It’s not a book I believe would sell in today’s market.

Jessica

Thank you so much to everyone who was brave enough to submit a pitch for critique and thank you to all the readers who stuck it through and actually read and commented on all the critiques. It was really amazing to me to hear you all give your own feedback and support. Pitches and queries are as important as your manuscript, especially if you are an unpublished author, and sharing your knowledge and advice can be invaluable.

I hope I was able to help more than confuse in my critiques. In reading some of your comments and concerns I wanted to end on what I hope is a final and uplifting note about pitches.

Pitches, like writing a book, a query letter, or, really, any other aspect of this business, is not an exact science. So often I hear desperation from authors who are looking for that magic answer. They want me to tell them exactly what they should and should not be doing. Trust me, if I could tell you that I would be living in a nice penthouse overlooking the Hudson River right now. I'm not (just in case you were wondering).

In my initial challenge I think I encouraged readers to try to give a pitch in one sentence, and yes, that's nearly impossible. But yes, it can be done. Why did I place such a difficult guideline on an already difficult challenge? Because I think by focusing on one sentence you are forced to be as concise as possible. The real question, though, is whether or not you can pitch your book in one sentence. It is possible, but it also depends on how big of a concept you have and the genre the book is in. I've sold books on basically that, one sentence. A cozy mystery series featuring a Bible study group. A thrilling romantic adventure series featuring heroes who are hotshots, elite firefighters often considered the Navy SEALs of the firefighting world. Both of these would need more of a description, but when asked what their books are the authors can describe them in one concise sentence. Do these pitches do what I'm requiring you to do? Do they give you the plot, the characters, and the conflict? No, not in so many words, but they do hook an editor in (at least one who might be looking for these types of books).

I get a lot of questions from readers wanting to know how long a pitch should be and how long is too long. For those of you who need numbers, I would say one to five sentences. The truth, though, is that a pitch is too long when an agent stops reading. You aren’t writing a synopsis, you are simply trying to hook someone in, and let’s face it, none of us have attention spans that will hold for more than one to five sentences. If we want more we’ll start reading the book.

I also know that many of you are looking to these critiques for a format or formula that you can simply drop your own storyline into. The truth is that no one format works for all persons or all books. For some the conflict is going to have to come from the characters, for others the plot. The trick is that you need to figure out what really makes your book stand out from every single other book in your genre. Is it the unique situation the characters find themselves in or is it the characters themselves? It will also depend on your readers. Cozy readers often pick up a new series simply based on the crafty, cozy hook; romance readers often look for a unique hero or heroine; and fantasy readers will want a world they haven’t been in yet. Of course that’s oversimplifying, but I think you might know what I mean. Knowing your reader and what she looks for can help you define your pitch.

And last, it’s important to remember that a pitch is different from a query letter. A pitch is that enticing paragraph that grabs the reader and only talks about the book. The query letter will include title, word count, series potential, genre, etc. But of course in a pitch session it’s always a great opener to start with title, etc., and then launch into your actual pitch.

So thanks again to everyone who contributed and played. I had fun and I hope you did too. And I’d love to hear what you learned from these sessions that you can share with those who might still be struggling.

Jessica

I’ve critiqued the first 150 pitches that came in and I want to thank everyone who participated. I know there are closer to 250 entries, but there’s just no way I can do them all and do them justice. Here are my final, randomly picked, pitch critiques. I noticed a few of you resubmitted, and in most cases I tried to avoid critiquing the same person multiple times. I also apologize to all of those I wasn’t able to get to and thank you for sending them in. If I ever find the energy to do this again, I would encourage everyone to get your submissions in early and fast.

Here’s the original post . . . Perfecting Your Pitch. And please feel free to use the comments to critique those pitches I missed on your own or tell me what some of your favorites were. I’ll follow up tomorrow with a recap of the entire experience.


151. Ken McConnell
Two of the four members of programmer Joshua Jones' web team are dead. Killed at their computers without a mark on their bodies. How were they killed and by whom? Only Joshua and his odd assortment of geek friends are capable of finding out how the murders were committed. Can they succeed before Joshua and his coder girlfriend become the next victims of a psychotic hacker?

Your first two sentences are enough to grab my attention. You lose me after that, I’m afraid. How were they killed and by whom is what nearly every mystery/suspense is about, so it seems redundant to put that in the paragraph. Instead I want to know about the desperate time constraints Joshua and his team are up against and what unique tactics they need to use to solve these crimes. Other questions that come to me, though, are why can only Joshua solve the crimes? What about the police?


152. Karen
Murder was the beginning of Hope’s short life together with Ian, but before that, she had a past; as a priest, a homeless person and a Broadway dresser. Now she has a different life, as a 64 year old single mother of a 16 year old replica of herself. But what will she do when the actor she turned away for love walks back into her life to claim their daughter and her reason for living?

The opening line is great, but the rest I don’t care about. The opening line grabs me, but then you mention nothing about murder and instead it turns into what sounds like a very typical love story—nothing special.


153. Mystery Robin
Anya Swanson knows broken—whether bodies or hearts. As an insurance adjustor for the perilous fishing industry, she's seen her share of hurt. But when she probes too deeply into one suspicious claim, the casualties hit closer to home than she ever imagined.

It appears to be just a tragic accident—an inexperienced deckhand washed overboard in the Bering Sea. But when another deckhand on another boat goes over in a similar manner—and dragging a woman along with him—Anya takes it personally. They had dinner plans.

But before she can file the death claim, Anya discovers he may not be dead at all. In fact, he may be behind both deaths. And wouldn't you know…he intends to keep that date.

Almost every week I receive a submission for an insurance adjuster or claims adjuster or something similar, so my first question would be how yours stands out. As you have it written here, this doesn’t stand out enough for me to ask for more. Although, that being said, it is a great pitch, I enjoyed reading it, and it does pique my interest, so there’s a very good chance that if you catch me on a good day I might request more. In the end, though, I just don’t think your hook is quite strong enough.


154. Kath
A fear of flying sounds normal enough – unless you have wings. Already a misfit within her tribe, it is certainly not aiding Lani’s ambitions to live up to family tradition. When a cursed stone comes into her possession, Lani’s greatest fear transpires. No longer able to fly, how will she heed the Seer’s warning and travel across the ravine to a friend in danger? As Lani fights to unravel the curse of THE BLACK LUCK STONE and draw from her true strengths, a life hangs in the balance.

Love this! Great pitch, great idea. Really well done. Congrats!


155. anon 3:58
Toni Tutoro just wants to go home…to the city where she died, where her human family was murdered, and to a dangerous man she’s never met, who’ll love her in ways she thought were lost the day her heart stopped beating.

This has potential. I like this pitch a lot, but would want to know more. What is she if she died? Honestly, I hope she’s not a vampire. There are so many of those it’s hard to sell another now. But this is a great example of a short pitch.


Thanks again to all who participated!

Jessica

I’m winding down. Hoping to get to as many as possible, but just can’t agree to do them all. So here we go again . . . Perfecting Your Pitch.


144. Phoenix
In 305 A.D., the Roman gods are preparing to die; the Seventh Seal is about to be opened; and inside a waking Mt. Vesuvius, pagan prophecy and Christian canon will soon converge.

Now, a devout young mage must defy Church and Emperor to not only initiate an apocalypse but to win over the Persian mercenary he suddenly finds himself soul-bonded to. All before the gods rebel and a thriving empire falls.

I like your opening line, your setup. This definitely grabs my interest and makes me want to see where this is going. Your follow-up, though, falls flat for me. Be a little more specific. Who is the devout young mage and why must he defy the Church? What does it take for someone who is devout to do this? What does it mean that he’s soul-bonded? In other words, you’ve piqued my interest, now you need to reel me in. At the end of your pitch I should want to read more, not think, “Hmm, interesting,” and put it away.


145. Tricia Grissom
Natalya Petrofsky is a zombie with authority issues. She was just about to escape her crazy immigrant family when someone killed them all. Now Grandma Nama is in a coma from changing the curse intended to wipe out their family into something that made them zombies instead. Big improvement. But that doesn't stop her from interfering with Natalya's life. Grandma’s telepathic running commentary can really kill a date night.

And when Natalya finally meets a sexy guy who won't freak because she has no heartbeat, it's because vampire Victor wants her to swear an undead oath to the vamps.

Natalya just wants to keep the family funeral home afloat and find a way to reverse whatever curse killed her entire clan, preferably before her dysfunctional relatives meet Homeland Security. Coping with her own death is hard enough. How will she avoid becoming a vampire lackey?

I am completely confused by this story. I assume by “killed” you mean made into Zombies, and if Grandma Nama is a part of her family, why wasn’t she killed? What does being a crazy immigrant family have to do with anything? That actually piqued my interest more than the zombies. I wanted to know more about this crazy family. My problem is that when I’m finished reading what is really a pretty long pitch, I still have no idea what your book is about. I know it’s about Natalya, who is a zombie, but does anything else happen? I’m getting bits and pieces of information, but I never feel like I get any true taste of this story. I also like the ending. Again, I’m intrigued by the family funeral home, but you don’t take me far enough into it to really tell me about it.


146. Laura Elliott
Owner of the galaxy’s largest freight company, Lucy McAllister gets to do what she’s always wanted – travel the stars. Wealth, fame, family, and friends, she has it all. If not for that one old debt…

Her family taken hostage, Lucy must fly to Rogusta and assassinate the planet’s most respected senator, or she’ll lose everything she loves. She has no choice but to play along while she plans a rescue mission. Just two steps out of the ship, Lucy finds herself the target of a hired assassin. She’s tossed into GIA protective custody with the sexy Chief Agent Finn Droverson watching her every move. Things heat up between them, and she begins to suspect something is a bit different about their relationship – especially when their hands fuse together during a romantic moment. Lucy must figure out her unexpected (and complicated) relationship with Finn, battle with GIA double agents, and somehow outwit the smartest criminal in the galaxy – and save her family.

Your two paragraphs don’t connect for me. The tone is different and, again, I’m not sure we need to know the backstory. How does owning the freight company have anything to do with Lucy’s family being taken hostage. The second paragraph feels like you’ve run out of time and you're trying to rush through and get out as much information as possible. I picture you standing at the front of the room giving a five-minute book report only to realize that there’s just one minute left, so you are busy top-lining the key points in order to finish on time. This just didn’t grab me. It felt like you were trying to be too many things. I didn’t get a good sense of what the tone of the book was. It felt very light and funny, but didn’t feel like that’s what it should be, and in the end the story just doesn’t seem different enough.


147. D.C. England
Five words
Phil Collins stops my imprisonment.

One paragraph
My name is Steve. When I was younger I had big dreams. Jamie, Brian and I, we all had big dreams. We wanted to change the world – and we did. We wanted to be rock stars – and we were. We wanted girlfriends - that was the difficult one. We had all been great friends. Jamie and I still were. I wouldn’t have been here today if not for Jamie. But I wasn’t sure I’d ever forgive Brian.

One sentence
A semi-fictional tale of WOMAD 1982, one of the greatest but financially most disastrous music festivals ever - seen through the eyes of an utterly helpless organiser, and told alongside the story of punk rock in the provinces.

What’s most interesting about this to me is that none of your pitches connect. What does Phil Collins have to do with punk rock or the fact that your name is Steve? And what is this book about? Is it a memoir? Is it coming-of-age? Is it about a disastrous music festival? My suggestion is to focus on writing one strong paragraph first that really tells me what your story is about, and from there you can shorten if necessary.


148. Jael
My book is about a woman who gets younger, and her husband, who doesn't. When Gretchen turns 30, she suddenly starts to age backward, and her body begins to undo both the negative aspects of aging (scars, wrinkles) and the positive ones (wisdom, stability, memories). The book alternates between Gretchen's point of view and Charlie's, as they struggle with the ever-growing gap between them, as he turns 31 and 35 and 41 while she turns 29 and 25 and 19.

This just sounds odd and, I hate to say it, not that interesting. Of course I’m concerned that your pitch tells me instead of shows me your story, but I’m also concerned that you don’t have a story there. This sounds like it would be categorized as women’s fiction, and yet I don’t see the readership for it (please, readers, tell me if I’m wrong). It might be more interesting if you tell me some of what this couple is dealing with, why she does this and what is eventually going to happen. Does the reverse aging affect her mind as well? Will she become a baby? Does she have reverse puberty? I’m curious, but from the pitch the story doesn’t feel as well thought out as it needs to.


149. anon 9:36p
Lady Elizabeth Dunham and her brother have been hiding a secret that could ruin them. When the blackmail letters arrive Lady Elizabeth sets out to save her family. She is prevented from attaining this goal because her brother has enlisted the help of the mysterious “Messenger” who Elizabeth believes will only ruin her family and she sets out to find and stop him.

Daniel Reming, Earl of Clauster, is The Messanger. He believes in justice and wants to right the wrongs of the ton, because he failed his sister and family and needs to make it up, even if it is only to himself. He is prevented from attaining this goal because the woman in his latest assignment is doing everything in her power to prevent him from succeeding.

You are telling me and not showing me and, as I’ve mentioned before, a pitch should be representative of your writing. Based on the first paragraph, I would pass on this. The writing feels choppy and stilted. And ultimately, I’m not sure what this story is really about or how it stands out from others. Be careful . . . in both paragraphs you use the phrase “prevented from attaining this goal,” which distances me from the characters and tells me instead of shows me. I think you might be better melding these two paragraphs and focusing on the heart of the story, which, I imagine, is when Daniel and Lady Elizabeth come together to try to reach both of their goals.


150. Shayla Kersten
Did you ever have a dream so real you could taste it?

Catlin Landry has. Her nights are filled with visions of a sexy man, the feel of his muscles, and the taste of his skin. Too bad they aren't real, or are they?

I think that this is a good pitch, but in the end I wouldn’t request it. I assume this is for an erotic romance, and so many of those involve a dream man that as you have this here it wouldn’t stand out in the market. What else makes your book unique?


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now (and no slacking off on me!). I want to hear what you have to say. . . .


Jessica

I’m winding down. Hoping to get to as many as possible, but just can’t agree to do them all. So here we go again . . . Perfecting Your Pitch.


137. Paul Lamb
Why does an inept burglar keep trying to break into a lonely bed and breakfast in rural Iowa? Could it be for the antique Christmas ornaments? Or is a thug for an unscrupulous land developer trying to harass the innkeeper into leaving? Does a peculiar guest have a hidden agenda? Or is there a different reason? And how is this connected to a mysterious death in the snow a decade before? The answers may lie locked inside the mind of an old woman with Alzheimer’s.

When two guests are awakened by another of the sorry burglar’s attempts, they decide to set a trap, as much to see what the burglar is after as to catch him. Not only are they surprised when the burglar is unmasked, but they discover a family treasure nearly lost for all time.

I hate to say this, but the premise of your story does not grab me at all. If the inept burglar is really inept, it seems to me that after a second attempt he’d probably be pretty easy to catch and more of an annoyance than anything really interesting. I hope there’s more to the heart of your story, something bigger and stronger. Maybe the family treasure?


138. Renee Lynn Scott
A Highlander turned English border warden discovers his biggest challenge is fighting the overwhelming desire for the delectable Border Hellion who insists on becoming his mistress in exchange for her murderous brother.

This doesn’t feel quite different enough. I think you have to focus on more of the plot outside of the romance to make this stand out. Fighting overwhelming desire is the basic thread in almost every romance novel. What about this story or plot line makes your book different? Usually it has nothing to do with the romance.


139. honey
When a presidential nominee is among the dead in a series of attacks on US seaports and natural gas terminals, Caro Wilson, a retired CIA Security manager, enlists a group of unique former spies to avert potentially devastating political and economic consequences.

Caro survived the Honey Project, the CIA’s counterpart to the notorious Soviet sex spies. She and the other former agents, her close friends, have hidden their sordid past, married well, and overcome their emotional scars. Caro wears the bland mask of a competent bureaucrat until she nearly dies in the attacks. She’s collected scraps of ambiguous evidence, enough to launch an investigation, and she’s scared. The friends she turns to for help, who also dread exposure, are suddenly dangerous: one is the widow of the slain politician, and the other two are married to men in the conspiracy, confederates of Caro’s own husband.

I like this. I think it needs some tightening, but Caro and the Honey Project really grab my attention. The opening paragraph, though, is a little confusing. If a presidential nominee is dead, why would it be up to a retired security manager and her friends to solve the problem? It seems like the working CIA would be on it already. I think you should focus more on your second paragraph. I like Caro’s background a lot and the fact that she’s now being sucked into a new political turmoil. I would stick with the second paragraph and add one sentence at the end to wrap it all up. Good work. Very interesting idea. I probably would request based on this. You’ve got my curiosity piqued.


140. Michelle
In this historical romantic suspense novel, set in Victorian England, young Minuette Sinclair is swept into an illicit affair with a reformed thief, Bryant Westley, and becomes entangled in the search for a priceless necklace with a bloody past.

I like the setup immediately only because I am a fan of historical romantic suspense. I like the twist. However, the pitch isn’t there for me. Even your opening, “In this historical romance,” tells rather than shows and gives no sense of your voice or your story. I also don’t see the suspense in your description and don’t feel that the way you pitch the book makes it stand out. Would the search for a priceless necklace really be enough to get you to spend $10 on a book? Your pitch has to be thrilling and enticing and enough to make readers want to spend money.


141. anon 10:20
Two ancient alien races, in war of annihilation are heading toward Earth. Terrorist Adiak Peller seeks power and revenge for a son's death. 18 year old
Del Baldura is the flash point where it all intersects.

The way this pitch is written, I don’t see the connection between any of your stories. This doesn’t tell me anything about your book, but instead tells me about three different plot lines in your book. My other concern is that if your pitch is this disconnected and rough, what does that say about your story? It’s important to remember that a pitch isn’t just telling readers about your story, but is representative of your book, your writing, and the tone of your book. So in these few short sentences I should get a sense of your voice as well as the energy of your book.


142. lllQuill
After someone begins assassinating L.A.'s most depraved criminals, former drug-runner, turned cop, turned millionaire playboy, Hale Parrish, is asked to use his special talents to investigate. By "gleaning," Hale can relive the final moments of the dead, often leading to indisputable evidence against murderers. When Hale and the vigilante cross paths, their lost family ties are revealed, forcing Hale to contend with the darkest shadows from his past.

This is another situation where I don’t feel the connect between the stories. What is this book really about? Is it the assassination of depraved criminals (and if that were the case, would the police really be concerned enough to bring in a special, probably really expensive expert)? Or is the book about Hale and the killer crossing paths? Make sure you focus on the key plot point of the story. I don’t think it’s necessary in the pitch to give us Hale’s background. What we need to know is who he is now and why he would be brought into a high-profile case and what happens next.


143. Christyne Butler
A single mom ranch owner desperate to save her land. An ex-con cowboy running from his past.
She needed a hero . . . what she got was him.

Maggie Stevens only priority is keeping her Wyoming spread afloat. With a neighbor stealing her cowboys, a long list of repairs and a loan payment due, she’s running out of options. Cowboy Landon Cartwright is fresh from prison on an overturned conviction for a crime that robbed him of all he cherished. Broke, he’s forced to take a job working for the lady rancher.

How long can Landon run from the horrifying memories that always find him, and will Maggie be able to overlook the dark sensuality she finds in a cowboy’s eyes when she hires THE RIGHT KIND OF WRONG.

I like your opening sentences. A great tagline for the cover of your book. In fact I like this pitch a lot. You give us a great look at your story and the perfect description. In fact, I could see a publisher using this verbatim on the cover. My only comment is that this sounds perfect for category romance (something I’ll discuss in more detail in another post), so if you intended that, my suggestion is to figure out which line you’re targeting and get it into an editor’s hands. If, however, you see this as a single title you’ll need to do some tweaking to your pitch and possibly your story. As written, it doesn’t sound multilayered enough for a single-title romance.


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now (and no slacking off on me!). I want to hear what you have to say. . . .

Jessica

I’m winding down. Hoping to get to as many as possible, but just can’t agree to do them all. So here we go again . . . Perfecting Your Pitch.


131. Anon. 8:38
John Calhoun IV scandalizes prim Swanson, Mississippi, when he learns his late father was a philanderer, the abandoned urchin Mary Swann is his half sister, and he is the only one willing to rescue her.

Immediately I see a conflict, and not in the plot. How does John Calhoun IV scandalize this prim town? Is it because of what his father did or because he rescues a half sister? Why does she need rescuing and what is the big deal about rescuing someone who needs help? Do you see where I’m going with this? You need to get to the heart of the story and not dance around it. Tell us exactly what is up with Mary Swann and why John Calhoun gets involved. As this pitch stands I have no clue what type of book this is—historical what? Fiction? Romance? Mystery? A pitch should make it fairly clear what genre you are targeting.


132. Christy
The life of a Las Vegas call girl doesn’t allow Athena Hamilton time to ponder memories of her first love, Isaiah Martin.

Lydia Martin never wanted to move to Las Vegas, but she goes for her husband, believing in Isaiah’s call to start a church in Sin City.

Athena and Lydia become unlikely friends and with Lydia’s help, Athena might find true salvation. But when Isaiah discovers his wife’s new friend, it’s not Athena’s soul he’s worried about – it’s his own.

My concern with this is that I never get a feel for who is really the protagonist. I see three different protagonists and each of their personal conflicts, but not necessarily how their stories (not lives) interact. Is the story really about Athena or Isaiah? What about Lydia? I think I need to know more about the plot to get me to come to this book. You do have an interesting premise, but I’m not sure what genre it’s in or what is really going on. I feel like I’m getting the setup and not the actual book.


133. anon 10:20 (Stephanie)
It’s 1668 in the Massachusetts Bay Colony. The Reverend Dean needs pure of faith Calvinist women to marry the men in his village if he hopes to maintain his hold on his tiny fiefdom.

Jayne, cast out by her father for her strange ways, is sent across the ocean to be given to a man she does not know.

After spending time with the savages, William isn’t a favorite of the Reverend’s but when the lottery draws his name he’s granted his first choice of wife. Two outcasts struggle to live among the repressive village, while at the same time work to understand the strange and fascinating attraction between them.

This is another case where I feel I’m getting backstory and not the actual book. Is the book about Rev. Dean? Or Jayne being cast out? My gut tells me it’s really about Jayne and William, two strangers trying to make their way in an unwelcome world. And no, that shouldn’t be your pitch. What should be your pitch is how they are making their way and what the true conflict is. Is it the attraction or the repressive village? Is this a Scarlet Letter for modern times or a historical romance?


134. Lost Like Secrets Unseen
Every time Braden takes his sunglasses off, it brings him closer to death. The visions he sees make him a formidable witch – traces of old magic, remnants of dark emotions, and glimpses of the past – but also strike him down with seizures that make it impossible to fall in love. Being gay is only the icing on the cake of his abnormal life. When he’s drawn into a feud between two rival witch families who each want to use him, seeing the truth isn’t as easy as unshielding his eyes. His friends are on opposite sides of the war, the guy he’s falling for is becoming his enemy, and thanks to Braden’s arrival, tensions in town are escalating. Choosing a side means accepting his role in the unfolding events, and deciding which is more important: the things he can see, or the things his heart covets.

Your opening lines are great . . . up until the seizures making it impossible to fall in love and that being gay is the icing on the cake. These feel very anti-climactic to me and I’m not sure how one relates to another. In other words I’m not sure what being a witch has to do with falling in love and being gay. I would suggest you take that out altogether and stick to the plot points that will excite the reader. Stick to his powers as a witch and the war. The love story is really just “icing on the cake,” but I would avoid the cliches if I were you.


135. Anon 10:58 (Brigitta Schwulst)
Take yourself back in time. Back to Africa – deepest Africa. 1855. The British have just begun their invasion. White men are a scarcity in Zululand. Tales of their magic abound in the villages. Izi, the King’s trusted medicine, knows that the time of the prophecy draws near. Chosen by the Gods to deliver the message, he must ensure that the Zulus remain faithful. Summoned to deliver the Queen’s first child, the daughter of the prophecy is born. Will she lead her nation to freedom, or will her Gods abandon her?

I feel too distant from this. The way it’s written, “taking myself back in time.” What I’d rather have you do, in the pitch and in the book, is take me back in time. Instead of telling me to envision what it was like in Africa in 1855 I would like you to take me to Africa 1855. And don’t end with a question. What this entire pitch should be is the answer to the question. You should show us whether this daughter will lead the nation to freedom and how she has to go about doing that. In other words, we need to be taken into the heart of the story, not the setup.


136. anon 11:53 (Gabrielle)
"The Mask of Zorro" meets "Ella Enchanted" as Prince Charming narrates this dark Cinderella.

When his older brother is murdered, Berto changes from Second Son of Savana to heir apparent on the run. He moves from orphan refuges to governor's palaces, working to keep his identity secret from all except his orphan friend Ella. But as he falls in love with Ella and discovers his mysterious enemy is closer than home, the choice between "happily ever after" and saving Savana is one Berto will have to make-- unless someone kills him first.

Skip your first line. I suspect that was meant as your short pitch and the other your longer description, but the first line tells me nothing and doesn’t grab me at all. The dark Cinderella story might work, but I would leave the rest. I’m confused by the age of your characters. Initially I would assume they are adults, until I read that they move from orphan refuges, then I suspect they are children. I would also suggest you try being more specific. Focus on the mysterious enemy and the fact that he’s on the run. Why was his brother murdered and why does that mean he’s running? Who is the enemy and what does he have to do to save himself? Those are the points that will strengthen your story.


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now (and no slacking off on me!) . . .

Jessica

Continuing on. I vow to end this before summer. So here we go again . . . Perfecting Your Pitch.

125. ASN
Amy never expected to get divorced, let alone sit Shiva for her ex-husband in a house with a Christmas tree, yet there she was. Just two years after her divorce when she had hit her stride having every-other-weekend to herself when her kids and the dogs went to stay with her ex, Amy was no longer a co-parent, she was an only parent. She now had two fatherless children, her ex's pregnant widow, an intimate relationship with probate court, but no weekends off.

Your last line is your pitch, or at least the beginning of your pitch. I think you have a lot of potential to garner interest here, but the key is that Amy’s life has been turned upside down in a new and different way. I think the entire second sentence could be deleted and/or rewritten. We don’t care so much what Amy has done, we care more about the mess she’s in now. “Two years after her divorce Amy has finally hit her stride and life is good. But enter her ex-husband, whose goal always seems to be ruining her life, even when he’s dead. Now with two fatherless children, her ex’s pregnant widow, and . . . Amy suddenly finds that . . .” I think something along those lines is sharper and more dramatic.


126. Ann Hite
Where The Souls Go is the story of three women and their art, strengths, madness and legacies. Can the youngest generation, Leigh, daughter of Grace Jean and granddaughter of AzLeigh, break the cycle of dysfunction passed forward for too many years and survive the insanity knocking at her door?

Great title. That’s really intriguing. Ditch the question. I think it weakens your statement. Also ditch the generalities. What is the insanity knocking at the door and what are these two women going to have to do to stop it? That’s your pitch.


127. anon 2:27
A deadly boating accident took a young boy's life the summer before Lani Jones’s body washed ashore the little island along the Susquehanna River. Small town newspaper publisher, Fay Cunningham scrambles to find the connection between the two when a second recovering heroin addict’s body turns up and Fay’s daughter insist neither died by accident or suicide and she could be the next one dead. When Fay questions how she knows this, she confesses to being in recovery and had spent time with the victims. Stunned and terrified by her daughter’s confession, it doesn’t take long before Fay’s deeply involved in the investigation. Her persistent snooping leads to answers and lands her on a jet ski trying to outrun a killer who wants to permanently silence her before she reaches shore and exposes the truth.

Where an earlier reader needed to watch commas, you could add some. Your first sentence had to be read twice because I found it too much of a run-on and confusing. I didn’t get at first that there were two bodies, and why is a newspaper publisher on the case? This pitch leaves me with more questions than it does answers, and of course leads me to worry about the strength of the plotting of your book. So here are the questions I have: Is this an amateur sleuth cozy mystery series or something bigger and darker? The tone doesn’t come through clearly. Does Fay really get involved the minute the bodies turn up or to protect her daughter? What is Fay’s personality? Is she no-nonsense? Tough? A calm, nice, sweet grandma type? How old is Fay? I am confused by the name. The name Fay to me is a nice, quiet grandma type. If this is a darker mystery, you might want to consider a tougher name. Believe it or not that can define how readers think of your character. I think you need to work on building the tone and also start at the end of your pitch. “When Fay’s daughter is threatened to be the next victim in a series of grizzly murders, it’s up to this small-town newspaper publisher to do some sleuthing of her own. . . .”


128. anon 3:08
Västerbotten, Sweden – August 1947.
A series of killings plague the small town of Övranäs and its surrounding areas. When married local chief of police finds the woman he loves dead and their baby missing he has to find both child and perpetrator before he himself is framed for the murders. What he unravels forces him to choose between the justice he craves and the love he cannot live without.

Real potential here. I like the first sentence, but I’m concerned about the next. Is the woman he loves his wife? If so, why can’t you just say his wife? If not, can’t you just say his mistress? In other words, sometimes fewer words can say the same thing, and in a pitch that can be important. I would also get more into some of the facts and specifics. What does he unravel that he’s up against, because that’s what the heart of the story is.


129. Caroline Smith
Sometimes white picket fences can become iron bars. And no-one is baking Sandra a cake with a file in it. Realising that "happily ever after" is a target, Sandra sets out to bake her own cake. A feminist fable that give the lie to the adage that feminists have no sense of humour.

I vaguely remember your first one, but luckily for you not enough to do a direct comparison. There’s not a lot of punch here. I like the idea of your first sentence, but wouldn’t it be stronger and more powerful to say: “Sandra used to think the white picket fence in front of her house was charming, now it feels like iron bars. When . . .”? The problem is that you are using a bunch of clever lines, but telling us nothing about her story. Why does she feel that she needs to bake a cake with a file in it? I would also skip the entire line about the feminist fable. I’m not looking for books that teach a message. I’m looking for a good story, and that line could definitely turn some people off.


130. anon 5:23 (Kylie)
“An exotic fantasy full of fire and shadows.”

Magic winks it deception through the rainforests and rice fields of Sunda, like dancing glints of light leaving in its wake the terrible absence of animals.

Fifteen-year-old Amirah may be quick to temper and often opens her mouth before thinking, but she will do anything to redeem her family from social exile, even travel to the wilds of Rindu – where the animals now reside. She plans to return in triumph with a surga (winged horse) for the king. However, Rindu is a place of chaos and unpredictability and her recent goddess-given gift of connecting with animals becomes bitter-edged when she hears the song of a dying phoenix and a promise becomes an impossible burden.

Drop your first two lines. You’re getting bogged down in trying to have a tag line and/or trying to be clever. The paragraph, though: Brilliant! I absolutely love this and would absolutely request it. You get it all in there . . . your voice, a feeling for who Amirah is, the central conflict, as well as the ability to clearly give us an idea for the world. Really, really good work!


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now (and no slacking off on me!). . . .

Jessica

There was a point when I assumed 20 critique rounds would be the end. But no, you kept adding your pitches! So here we go again . . . Perfecting Your Pitch.

117. Deborah K. White
The Queen of Santor is well-protected from physical harm by her god, but agents from Karella are spreading rumors that discredit her rule and threaten to tear her country apart. Queen Serrica devises a plan to force the Emperor to withdraw his agents, but she must confront the Emperor face-to-face for the plan to succeed. Her advisors are convinced that even their cunning, god-touched queen won't return from Karella alive, but that doesn't stop Queen Serrica from her Fool's Resolve.

I think the problem here is it’s all too general. Using the word “plan” doesn’t really tell me anything about what the Queen is really trying to do. I would also caution about calling her two different things. Queen of Santor and Queen Serrica can easily confuse in a pitch. Why not just call her Queen Serrica throughout and get right to the point. "Queen Serrica is facing down rumors that threaten to tear her country apart. She knows she only has one chance to prove herself and save her country, but will meeting the Emperor face-to-face succeed, or will it be her downfall?” Okay, I would need to know more about what happens to really write a good pitch, but I hope this gives you a place to start. What is her plan and what must she do? A lot of queens are forced to save their kingdoms. I want to know how Serrica’s challenge differs.

118. Wendy
Efosa is raped at the age of fifteen, turning her hitherto idyllic life upside down. The perpetrator is Emeka, her brother's rich and handsome friend.

When they meet again twelve years later, Emeka has had a conversion experience and is a Christian, while Efosa is bitter and suicidal.

Can she love the man she blames for ruining her life? And can a former rapist really redeem himself?

I’m sorry. There’s no way I could represent this book. The fact that it’s a love story with a victim and her former rapist is going to be enough to immediately turn off a great number of readers. I think a book about a reformed rapist trying to redeem himself might work, but putting the victim in the position of falling in love with him won’t fly for me. I think for me it becomes a greater issue. Do we really want to glorify people who rape and allow them to think that it’s all okay if you just find religion? So that would be my immediate reason for rejecting your book. As for the pitch, however, I just don’t think it has life. Do away with the questions and show me what Efosa is really confronting. “When they meet again . . . Efosa is forced to confront her own bitterness and anger. In doing so . . .”

119. Marcia Santore
When 12-year-old Carlo’s family loses its orchard to a blight, his father leaves to find work. Soon his mother falls ill—as she lies dying, a strange old woman appears and tells Carlo that it’s up to him to save her life. She sends Carlo to the end of the world in search of a magic seed. Carlo is helped along the way by several new friends: Rolf, an erudite dog; Marguerite, a laconic cow; and Jenny, a pirate girl, looking for a new life. In the classic quest tradition, Carlo must use his gifts—especially his gift for music—to overcome many obstacles. He fights off pirates, crosses the prairie with pioneers, gets swept up into a tornado. Only Carlo can write the song that makes a magical bridge appear. In the mysteriously empty city of Progress, Carlo becomes a cog in a terrible machine, one of countless people endlessly turning inside its gears in the futile pursuit of gold. He is saved only when his friends, waiting outside, try something they already know is impossible. When they at last reach Mount Tallest-of-All, one by one, Carlo’s friends can’t climb any higher—he must find his way on his own. Or does he? Using his last gift, Carlo discovers the hidden route to the seed that will save his mother’s life. Carlo and his friends are ready to return home in triumph, until Carlo learns he must face his greatest fear and return to the factory—to free his father.

This is another case where this feels more like synopsis than a pitch. You could shorten this significantly. Take a look at some of my earlier critiques, but I think you’re trying to fit everything in here and not everything needs to be in here. I think instead of focusing on every single fantastical creature Carlo comes up against you need to look at what his real conflict is. Is the book all about his need to save his mother? Is time ticking? Or is there more to it? What else does Carlo need to confront? What is his greatest fear? I think the problem is that I don’t really understand what happens. It sounds like a great magical journey, but it doesn’t sound like anything really special or different.

120. Kevin
Previously published by PublishAmerica, I withdrew my book from publication. I need not say why. Here's my pitch:

Anna's Blood is a horror-science fiction novel about a homeless woman who takes temporary shelter in an abandoned house in Providence and gets volunteered to help save a gentle race of vampires from another planet.

My first advice is that it’s time to focus on a new book. Whatever credibility a publisher might have, or not have, your book has been published and it’s going to make it that much of a tougher sell. There are obviously rare instances where books that were previously published are picked up. Often though it’s in a new and exciting genre editors are hungry for, or it’s a book that has sold tens of thousands of copies. Since yours is a vampire book it’s probably not different enough to garner excitement that would move it beyond the concerns editors would have because of its background. Beyond that, though, and to the pitch, it just doesn’t sound different enough. In fact, it sounds very similar. What happens in her battle to save the vampires?

121. C. Valentine
It's the puritans against the vampires and Sophia needs to believe she's a puritan as she guards her sister, the chosen one whom the vampires seek to mate with their king. Fighting the powers growing inside of her, that would reveal her true identity, Sophia endeavors to resist the vampire captain, Blake, who leads the search for this chosen one. But in a moment of passion she allows him access to the puritans -- and her heart. Now branded a traitor, only Blake can save her.

Vampires are tough sells these days. As many of you know, they are done, done, and done again. I’m not sure this story really stands out from the pack as being all that different. Beyond the story though, the pitch itself seems a little slow. It’s fine, just doesn’t have sparkle. I guess I’m confused by exactly what’s happening. She’s protecting her sister from vampires, but also gets involved with the vampire captain? And I assume she’s also a vampire. I think we need to know what one night of passion really caused. What the battle is and what she needs Blake for. I suspect that’s the heart of your story.

122. Anne-Marie
Son of a wealthy, successful and famous designer, Ian Harrington was born into the world of the rich and shameless. He blames himself, and his father, for his mother's death, and has run far away to start a new life. Beautifully blond, musically talented, but emotionally troubled, he hides his pain behind pale blue eyes and drinks to numb the guilt that has followed him across the ocean. When he meets Sarah, the fiery-haired singer with all the connections to make their dreams come true, can her love save him from his demons and secrets, or will the burdens of his past destroy everything they have ever wanted?

I like the setup. It sounds a bit like a category romance, though. I would avoid as much as possible ending your pitch with a question. I’ll admit, I’ve done it a hundred times, but it’s not the strongest pitch you can write. What about simply rewording to: “now it’s up to love to save him from his demons and secrets before they destroy everything he’s worked so hard to build.” A little stronger. Ultimately, though, this feels like a very straightforward love story, which is why I say it sounds category. Category romance (Harlequin/Silhouette) is romance first. In other words, while there are secondary characters and often another small storyline, the crux of the book is the romance. The main concerns are the hero, the heroine, and their internal and external conflicts. With single-title romance you create a much more complex story. It’s multilayered with many different characters and a story that often supersedes the romance.

123. Serenissima
Celia Darrell (24) has a father lost at sea, a mother fighting cancer, and a brother who could be burning down the neighborhood. She’s convinced that her fractured family is holding her back from her dreams, and that her best hope of escape lies in decorating the enormous shipping cranes that line Seattle’s harbor. Bringing these creatures to life in a blaze of color could lure her father home, reawaken her mother’s artistic soul, and distract her brother from the fury that consumes him.

Along the way, she stumbles into love, risks her life, discovers the power of forgiveness, and teams with a mysterious East German man, who arrives in Seattle the day after the Berlin Wall falls. In the end, it’s clear the only anchor keeping Lilia tethered too close to shore is herself.

Intriguing, but do I really want to read an entire book about crane decorating? No. I want to read more about teaming up with a mysterious man and her struggles with it all. You do a good job of setting up her internal conflict, but now we need to see more action. What is really happening to Celia in this story? What is she doing besides decorating cranes? What is the conflict? Your last paragraph is a throwaway. I don’t want a general recap of the most exciting pieces of the book. Those are what I want you to focus on.

124. anon 11:31
For Laura Chase, being a god is not easy. After all, she’s trying to graduate from college. It doesn’t help that her family has been kidnapped by a supernatural racial supremacist, not to mention the fact she has the propensity to become evil if she cannot control her power. But above all, being a god is not easy...because she does not yet know she is a god.

The ending line is great and your setup is good. Now we need to work on presentation. Choppy sentences are not going to sell this book or, more important, your writing. “For Laura Chase, being a god is not easy. Graduating from college is difficult enough, but add in the kidnapping of your entire family by a supernatural racial supremacist and your own inability to control the powers that might make you evil, and things couldn’t be much worse. That is, unless you don’t know you’re a god.” Do you see where I’m going with this? More energy. And stronger writing.


Okay, readers, let’s hear it from you. What are your thoughts, opinions, suggestions. . . ?

Jessica

Here we go again . . . Perfecting Your Pitch.

109. Abi
XXX blends the quirkiness of small town life with that of a magical world, and offers recipes scattered throughout the book. XXX takes you on the journey of eleven year-old Stormy Reed as he grapples with being raised in a family not his own, the realization that unimaginable things truly exist, and a destiny he may not survive.

Lake Come-and-Go is a portal between the two worlds of mortal Glastonbury Proper and the Magical World including a dark and mysterious wood. The wood is full of magic, many legends coming alive within its boundaries. An elderly couple, are the gatekeepers of the lake and bear great responsibility in keeping Stormy Reed safe from the evil Nefarious Nobleman. Stormy is unaware of his magical beginnings or his mystical destiny, and with his dawning of discovery, he plunges into unwitting adventures. Sudden attacks, terrifying confrontations, and excruciating tests, ultimately find Stormy embarking on a life exploding with possibilities he is eager to explore.

This is another instance where my immediate thought is that your pitch is too long and too general. Think of it this way: if this were a series, I’m not sure the pitch would be different for any of the books. What is different about this and how can you tighten it? “Being raised by strangers is not an easy thing, but it's even more difficult for Stormy Reed, a boy with magical powers and a destiny fraught with uncertainty.” Okay, I think I’m butchering this. What you need to do is connect Stormy to Lake Come-and-Go immediately. How do these two relate and why. What is Stormy’s destiny and what does all of this have to do with him? In other words, is the story about the gatekeepers needing to keep Stormy safe or is it about Stormy? If it’s about Stormy, then show me how.

110. r2
Hello, my name is Cohiba Hemingway and I am dead. I am not a zombie. I am not a vampire. I am not Casper the Friendly Ghost. I’m just a man who happens to be dead. Because of a hospital clerical error, I’ve got a Death Certificate and everything. I think I’ve even been cremated.

I’m going to stay dead. That means the people who I used to work for won’t be looking for me. They’re genuine badasses. That also means I’m free to roam around the country messing with them, even if it means killing one or two along the way. These are my stories. Part Destoyer, part Lone Ranger, a little Jack Reacher, this is a fast-paced action/adventure series with suspense, mystery and a little blood ‘n’ guts thrown in. Beginning with “Turn Me on Deadman” each book is about 60,000 words.

Two immediate concerns and personal preferences. The book is too short: 60,000 words is on the short side, especially if you want to write action adventure. You need to try to bring this up to at least 80,000 words. The second, more a personal preference, is I want to hear about your book, but I don’t like it when a character feels the need to talk to me. There might be agents out there who think it’s clever, but I don’t. I think you’d be better off sticking with third person: “Cohiba Heminway is dead. He’s not a zombie or a vampire, but legally he is dead. It was a hospital clerical error, one he intends to stick with....” So what’s his conflict? If he’s happy to be dead, then I don’t want a general look at his stories, I want to know what this particular book is about. Is it about the people trying to destroy him or is it about him killing people? Get more specific about this particular book.

111. Ron Wodaski
Guided by charismatic businessman Julian Pressman, Bobby uses his ability to see the past and future to build a fortune. Bobby discovers that Julian is an agent working out of a dark matter dimension, and he is using Bobby to literally harvest mankind for export. Bobby becomes the bait in a trap to save humanity - but it fails, and Bobby gives up his physical form to fight Julian on his own turf. Humanity must win the day to earn the right to not only survive, but create a powerful home for itself in the dark matter universe.

There’s no life to this pitch. It reads like a book report. Bobby uses this, does this, finds this, etc. My first thought is that your writing style is very choppy and your book probably reads like your pitch. Therefore it’s a pass for me. A much stronger pitch would sound more like this: “For years Bobby has used his ability to see the past and the future to build a fortune for both himself and businessman Julian Pressman, but when Bobby discovers that Julian is using him to harvest mankind for export, he knows it’s up to him to save humanity and put a stop to Julian...” Or something like that. Make it more fluid and interesting. Lastly, though, I’m not sure I understood what this book is about. I don’t get how Bobby went from making money to harvesting humans or what exactly you mean by that. You might want to work on making that more clear without going into a long drawn-out explanation.

112. Heather Wardell
The fiercely private Madeleine-Cora Spencer is the last person who should be on a reality show. But when she's shunned by a friend's new wife because "you can't trust desperate single women", her pain and humiliation drive her straight to the "Find Your Prince" web site. Armed with newly sexy clothes and careful research into the show, she arrives to meet her potential loves, only to find herself dumped... on a remote island with seven of her ex-boyfriends.

Instead of meeting the man of her dreams, MC learns that she will be competing against Kent, the man she nearly married, and his six ex-girlfriends (and one ex-wife) for a million dollars. Amid the joys of jungle life, testosterone-laced struggles, and the most uncomfortable period ever, MC tries to find a balance between the privacy she needs and the intimacy she craves. Along the way, she realizes that not all of her exes are as bad as she remembers, and one just might be more than she'd ever expected to find in a man. But the show has a few more twists up its sleeve, and both Kent and MC have choices to make that will change their lives.

Wow! Totally awesome first paragraph. I haven’t even read the second one yet. Why? The first one is your pitch. It’s perfect and tells me exactly what type of book this is. I think your second paragraph drags things down a bit. The first gives us just the right taste of what the book is about and from there the rest can be a pleasant surprise. If you dump the second paragraph (which makes it too long anyway) I think you’ve got the makings of a winner. To explain why this worked for me . . . it has great conflict—I love that she was driven to a reality show by a friend’s new wife. Great setup. And the seven ex-boyfriends. The perfect twist.

113. Chumplet
When vacationing Amanda Patrone witnessed a murder and helped a Basque freedom fighter chase a stolen Picasso painting through the Pyrenees, she wished she'd brought extra underwear. And her passport.

Too slight. I don’t want to confuse everyone, but there is a difference between slight and short. Two people can use the exact same number of words to describe a book. One can hit the nail on the head while another can sound too slight. This is the latter. There’s no spark here. It feels to me that in the end you thought you should throw in something funny, so tried, but I’m not sure that’s actually the tone of your book. I also want to know more about the stolen Picasso and why she’s helping chase it down. In other words, you need oomph. “The last thing Amanda Patrone had on her vacation itinerary was witnessing a murder or hunting down a stolen Picasso. Joining forces with Frank Hank isn’t all bad, except for dodging bullets, speeding cars...” Okay, I’m not getting the energy. I think I would need to know more about the book, but I hope you’re understanding where I’m going with this. Get right into the heart of the story and show us what is really going to make this stand out. I see a lot of damsels caught up in accidental crimes. What makes this one different?

114. Fairchild
Brash USO singer, ANGELINE WATERS, delivers hope to soldiers who don’t come back, like her father. While spying for military intel, she falls for HENRI REYNAR, a grounded RAF pilot, but his near-fatal shooting sends Angeline running to her next mission, where she’s captured by Panzer COLONEL VON HEIMER and forced to make Nazi propaganda films.

You need a course in commas. And if I notice it you know you need help. Because of comma placement and probably some other grammatical errors that I don’t understand, your first sentence is very choppy and very confusing. Much stronger wording: “It’s 1942 and brash USO singer Angeline Waters has devoted her life to entertaining soldiers...” And here is where it gets even more confusing. How did we get from USO singer to spy? “What few realize is that this sexy starlet is also one of America’s top military spies. While ...” So what is your conflict? It sounds to me, by this pitch, that the book ends with Angeline spending her days making propaganda films. I hope not. What is her conflict? Is it that her father died? Or that she’s in love with an RAF pilot? Is it that she’s trying to escape filmmaking? And would a captured spy really just be assigned to making propaganda films? I find that unbelievable. I would think she would be tortured at the least, but probably killed. In a pitch you need to tell me what the heart of the story is. I’m not sure what this book is really about. I know who it’s about, but I’m not sure what.

115. kol
Fifteen-year-old Anna has a problem. Anna is in love with Oliver. But Oliver isn’t human. He’s a shape-shifter, just like the ones who murdered Anna’s family. Just like the ones who are coming back for her.

Your first few sentences are a little dry. Your ending though is great. What about something more along the lines of: “Fifteen-year-old Anna has fallen in love with the one person on Earth she should be avoiding. Oliver is a shape-shifter, just like the ones who murdered Anna’s family. Just like the ones who are coming back for her.” I think you could still make it stronger. I think it still needs some punch, and maybe our readers can help you out. But you want to get to that ending and keep it really strong. To do that you need an opening that grabs us. A fifteen-year-old with a problem is like a dog that sheds. Of course she does.

116. AmyB
Dalin Archer has no desire to work with Finneas Montague again, not after Finneas set him up and framed him for murder. But the two are forced into an unlikely partnership when Finneas entangles them in a rogue magician’s plot to seize the throne.

It’s missing something. I suspect your real hook or pitch is the rogue magician’s plot. So why not focus more heavily on that. I’m not sure if we need to know Dalin and Finneas’s history, but I do know we need to know what they are battling. I want to know more about the magician’s plot and how Finneas and Dalin are involved and why they have to stop it. I want to know what’s actually happening, not what’s happened.


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now (and no slacking off on me!). . . .

Jessica

Here we go again . . . Perfecting Your Pitch.

101. Ello
Private George Waterson saves the life of his enemy Captain Shiro Kawamoto on the Bataan Peninsula. Two years later, his act of compassion is returned when he finds himself a POW in a prison camp run by the same Captain. For Kawamoto, no amount of assistance he can provide will repay the debt he owes the young American, until he is asked to fulfill a promise that will satisfy his debt, but at the price of his family honor. Sixty years later, Kawamoto’s prison journal is discovered by his granddaughter, Naomi, who learns of her true heritage. It leads her to George, still fighting the demons of the past, and shocked with the arrival of a granddaughter he never knew he had. She is a reminder of the one betrayal he could never forgive himself. But in Naomi and the revelations of the journal, George is able to find redemption.

Interesting. Very interesting. . . . I have to say that I think based on all of my previous advice I really shouldn’t like this. Instead I should be telling you that you don’t have enough details, that it’s too general and too much backstory. I do like it though. Would I request it? I might, but probably not. For one, it’s not my type of book, but that’s something different. Okay, here’s what I think. I think you have a strong pitch here. You clearly give us an idea of what George’s demons might be and you intrigue us with your writing. I think that while you could tighten it a little, you ultimately have a winner.


102. anon 8:21
DAMAGED GOODS is about a ten year old boy who kills his friend.

TWIN NO MORE focuses on Morgan’s struggle to cope with her twin brother’s suicide.

I had read a lot of critiques by the time I got to this and I think I was a little cranky. My concern here is that this is not a pitch. Neither of these are pitches. These are short one-line descriptions of your books. Remember, a pitch is just as important as your book, or should be treated as such. Agents and editors are in this business to sell books and to find books that will sell. To them it’s a business, and if you’re going to pitch you need to remember that you are entering the business world. You need to really put effort into your pitch. Neither of these is intriguing and neither really tells me anything about the books that would make me either want to read them or think they're different from the millions of books out there. My question is, of course: What makes both of these books stand out? A teen coping with suicide is a common plot line. What makes this book different from those? A ten-year-old boy who kills is friend has a little more potential to be different, but doesn’t jump out to me as something that really is. In other words, it feels like a book that’s been done a million times before, and whether it has or hasn’t, feeling that way is enough to garner a rejection.


103. anon 8:54
Astrologer Di Darwin solves with a timed horoscope chart the murder of an old woman who chokes to death on a boiled Maine Lobster.

Susie's amateur sleuth mystery.

The idea of an astrologer amateur sleuth interests me, but the writing would ultimately result in a rejection. Although the boiled Maine Lobster sounds hysterical, so I might consider it again. Nope, I would reject. Stick to the facts: “Astrologer Di Darwin has done a lot of charts in her day, but never has she been called upon to chart a dead woman, not until FiFi McGee is found dead with Di’s best friend as the only suspect.”

104. NancyN
Jill Clemmons hasn't set foot in Adams Grove since she and Ken Malloy split up and she ran away to Savannah. She wouldn't be back now either if it weren't to bury her grandmother, Pearl, who raised her in the small town. In a final matchmaking attempt Pearl leaves her estate to them jointly.

But someone else is interested in that estate too and is willing to stop at nothing in search of a treasure of precious pearls supposedly hidden there years ago. Jill and Ken must put the past behind them as they fight for their lives to uncover who is behind the danger and why.

Unfortunately this is a very common storyline. All too often we’ve seen the tale of matchmaking attempts from beyond the grave. So if that is how you’re going to get your hero and heroine into the same room, my question is: What makes this stand apart from those other books? My concern here isn’t so much your pitch, but that the story doesn’t grab me. If I’m just looking at the pitch, however, I think you could focus more on the treasure hunt and keeping themselves alive. If you’re writing a book of suspense you need to focus on suspense.

105. anon. 4:40
Princess Adeline is determined to become a real fairy tale princess, including handsome prince, heroic rescue and happily-ever-after. But, since nothing interesting ever happens to princesses from stable, two-parent families, Princess Adeline offs her parents, flees the kingdom, and seeks out deadly peril in order to become a proper Damsel In Distress. Unfortunately, the dragon won’t eat her, the wicked witch refuses to cast an evil spell, the woodcutter preemptively removes her from the belly of the Big Bad Wolf and Adeline finds she must rescue herself from the giant when no one bothers to show up. This isn’t how it happens in the storybooks!

I think this is a great pitch. It’s so not my type of book since I have no idea what I’d do with it, but I like it. It was funny, it told me exactly what the internal and external conflict are, and it grabbed my attention. Most of all, though, I had a reaction to it. I actually laughed. A good sign when you can make an agent actually react. Great pitch.

106. Theresa
Silent Echoes, a contemporary Kramer versus Kramer story, set in a wealthy Chicago suburb, is about two young lovers from dysfunctional families rising above youthful mistakes and tragedies to create a strong and healthy love. Catherine Whittemore Boyd will do anything to regain custody of her young son; even reconcile with the husband accused of killing their son’s twin.

My question to you is what is this book about? Is it about a young couple rising above youthful mistakes? Because if it is, that’s not a book that’s probably going to grab a lot of attention from readers. Or is it a book about a woman who will do anything to regain custody of her child, including reconciling with the husband accused of murdering their son’s twin? Because that’s a book. I want to know whether or not he admits he killed the son and if she believes he did it, and I think it’s important in the pitch to allude to why she doesn’t currently have custody. And I want to know what happens next (to a degree). Give this a little more oomph. “Catherine Whittemore Boyd lost custody of her only surviving child after.... Desperate to get her son back, Catherine will do whatever it takes, even reconcile with the husband she thinks killed her child. In a desperate battle....” Something more along those lines will make this stronger.

107. anon 12:20
A lady entrepreneur falls in love with a reclusive surgeon amid industrial intrigue and underworld power struggles. Gianna Donnatelli is a spirited entrepreneur whose two goals are to make a success of her new company, and to aid the underprivileged in the Detroit ghettos. Joe Scarfili is a brilliant surgeon who has isolated himself in a mansion in Grosse Pointe and immersed himself in work since the gang-related murder of his wife. When Gianna is hurt in a strange burglary, Joe, as a close friend of the family, reluctantly assumes the role of her protector. Suddenly everything becomes dangerous and personal.

I think you’re trying to squeeze too much into the pitch. Does it matter to the story that she’s an entrepreneur? Why does Joe have to become her protector? And if you’re going to try to entice me with industrial intrigue and underworld power struggles, then you need to show those in the pitch. What happens to make this dangerous and personal? So far I see an inkling of the possibility of conflict, but I don’t see the actual conflict.

108. JulieWeathers
The king is missing. The infant prince is being poisoned. Guards loyal to the king are systematically being destroyed or exiled. It isn't a good time for a fledgling girl to join the elite Horse Guards, the most loyal of the king's troops. Especially a girl who has caught the eye of a pirate, a demon and the demon caller.

What’s really going on in this story? Is the story about the king and all of his troubles or is it about a girl, a demon, and a demon caller? I have a feeling the king is really backstory, that the true story involves the girl and her desire to join the troops. And why is it a bad time? Wouldn’t a kingdom in distress need as much help as possible? And what does the demon have to do with all of this, or the demon caller? That’s what interests me most. Really I want to know more about the demon caller.


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now. . . .

Jessica

What have I done to myself? I apologize if these are getting tedious, but I feel the need to get to everyone’s now. It’s only fair. I only ask that you, the readers, and especially those of you who received a critique, continue to hang in there and voice your own opinions. And if you’ve rewritten, don’t be afraid to post and hear what others say. I think they’ll be happy to help. Here’s the original post: Perfecting Your Pitch.

96. anon 3:59
A heterosexual teenager in an all boy’s school faces a moral meltdown when he becomes attracted to a classmate only to later discover the classmate is a girl masquerading while she hides out from killers.

Okay, folks, help me out here, but hasn’t this been done in more than one movie? It sounds like a movie I remember seeing as a teen and a more recent one starring Amanda Bynes. Either way, I’m not sure the fact that a heterosexual boy thinks he’s having feelings for another boy only to discover it’s a girl is enough. At least not different enough. The hiding out from killers could work, but again, my concern is this sounds too familiar. Granted, I’m not an expert in YA, but that would be why I would reject it.

97. anon 4:01
She dates, she kills, she’s miserable.

Meet Livia, a five-foot-three contract killer whose boyfriend, Evan, has just left her for another woman. Hurt, confused and angry, Livia makes a go of continuing on in the life she made for herself. Which would be easier if her ex wasn’t her boss, too. Also not helping is James, her teacher of all things violent and partner. It’s James that gives her the rules to kill by and the ultimately the final push Livia needs to let Evan go, once and for all.

Your first line of your paragraph is really great. I love the idea of a heroine who is a contract killer and think that has potential to be really interesting. Your first pitch line, though, “She dates, she kills, she’s miserable,” doesn’t have the effect I think you want it to have. Most would say of course, especially since most think that both dating and killing are miserable jobs. My problem with your pitch is that you grab me with the fact that your heroine is a contract killer, but the rest sounds very ho-hum. Nothing special or cool, but just another average love story. And of course my bigger concern is that your book has the same problems.

98. Jess
Private Anna Lowry always made her father proud, so now she'll do anything to fulfill his dying wish of ending the galatic war for independence, and that means traveling across the galaxy in search of an item that might not exist and battling her traitorous captain to get it. "The Delandar Tapestry" is complete at 80,000 words.

It doesn’t grab me. I think you have potential, but we need to dig a little deeper in the story to bring that potential out. Get to the heart of the battle and the travel. And tells us what she’s really looking for. The truth is that you aren’t really giving me any of her conflict.

99. Beth-etc
(One sentence)
The computer found Mr. Perfect; does it matter that she lied?

(Four sentences)
Rose is undercover for a travel magazine on the inaugural voyage of the CyberMatches Singles Cruise. She exaggerates the data on her computer survey so her CandiDates will be diverse. The computer pairs Rose with Scott, the hot genius who wrote the CyberMatches software and is convinced of its infallibity. How will Rose tell her dream guy that their match is based on a lie?

I wish I had better news. Your one sentence interests me, but in the end I’m afraid I don’t feel this is different enough. In fact, since the popularity of online dating I feel this is a story I’ve seen a hundred times before. In the end it seems to me that you don’t have enough conflict. A man and a woman and a misunderstanding over a dating survey is not going to be enough to carry any story. What else is going on to make this stand out? Are there diamond smugglers on the ship? Does it sink? Is her husband also with her? What else makes this book more than just a boy meets girl, boy hates girl, boy loves girl story?

100. Ana
What if a woman became a vigilante after the assassination of her husband, but every murder looked like an accident?

(Title) is a psychological thriller about a pseudo-sheltered, solitary widow who struggles to protect the people she loves from physical harm amidst a civilian world of ineffective law enforcement and unverifiable threats. As she adopts a secret life of creating accidents to remove dangerous people from the lives of her loved ones, the secrets that protect everyone else threaten to destroy her. Vigilante justice creates new threats, and she must keep a little girl safe while trying to find peace for her own soul. But she’s not the only one who would do anything to keep someone safe.

Oh, sweet Ana. Pitch 100. I’ve been working to get to you for weeks.

Your first line grabs me, but I think you could skip the last section. I would assume that she makes each murder look like an accident, otherwise she isn’t going to get too far on her mission. I like this concept, but my first concern when reading your pitch is that the book is going to be overwritten. “(Title) is a psychological thriller about a pseudo-sheltered, solitary widow who struggles to protect the people she loves from physical harm amidst a civilian world of ineffective law enforcement and unverifiable threats.” Wouldn’t it be better just to say: “(Title) is a psychological thriller about a sheltered, solitary widow struggling to protect those she loves. After the assassination of her husband, Tillie goes on a murderous rampage all in the name of vigilante justice. But now....”? And here’s where you tell us your character’s real conflict. What is she really facing and what is she really up against?


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now (and no slacking off on me!). . . .

Jessica

Moving right along. . . . Here’s the original post: Perfecting Your Pitch.

90. patg
In the summer of 2001, branch manager for a national chain of travel agencies, Prudence Peters’ week begins with a demotion and hears that her office faces closure. By the end of the week one of Pru’s agents is fired and the supervisor who fired her is murdered. Suggestions of a postal employee puts all the offices in Pru’s state at risk of closure to protect the company’s reputation, so Pru sets out to find the missing agent. What she finds is devious company agendas, peers with too many motives and more murder.

This isn’t actually such a bad pitch, but it also doesn’t inspire me. In other words, I would not request this. I suspect you’re going for the amateur sleuth market. The problem is that you don’t have a hook. There’s nothing here to inspire anyone besides a voracious mystery reader to pick up your book. A branch manager for a chain of travel agencies? Not that exciting. What would be more exciting is someone who led a tour group similar to our own Livia Washburn’s Booked for Travel mystery series—a literary tour travel series—that’s something with a hook. I also think you could still tighten things a little more. Get to the heart of the story faster and try not to get bogged down in backstory.


91. Rick Graydon
Can Tricky Dick and Swivel Hips save the world? They'll have to, after Elvis shows up at the White House to accept an F.B.I. crime fighting award from President Richard Nixon and a famous anti-war activist shows up dead in the Lincoln bedroom. The body is just the first domino to fall. The last may be civilization itself. President and rock star are forced to team up and trade places. Will Elvis sing the right tune over the Moscow hot line? Can Dick do "Hound Dog?" If not the world faces Armageddon, J. Edgar Hoover in a mini-skirt, or worse.

Ohmygoodness! Hilarious. I would absolutely request this. I’m not sure exactly what it is or what I would do with it, but I would need to see it. The opening line is intriguing, the hook is there—you can’t go wrong with Elvis and Nixon, and of course we see the conflict—the President and the rock star must team up to save the world. In the end you’ve given me exactly what I need to know, you have a story, and I know you can write, so I’m willing to give this a shot because you’ve grabbed my interest enough to make me want to see more, and that’s the point of a pitch. My one thought on this is that I’m not sure you have a marketable book, but I would want to see more.


92. D. Robert Pease
Fantasy Novel: Crimson Swarm

Aberthuil Nauile doesn’t know that he once led legions in a war that raged since the dawn of time, against an enemy that cannot be killed. He doesn’t know that he rode on a dragon with his father, and saw his mother die while giving birth to him. He doesn’t know that he once saved his great, great, great grandfather by defeating the black enemy on the slopes of a volcano. Aberthuil doesn’t know that he beheld the creation of the world, as his grandfather eight generations before took the planet ravaged by a war of the gods and began anew. All he knows is that he awoke in a coffin in a tomb, and now the whole world thinks he is their savior. All he really wants to know is his name, and why he keeps hearing voices in his head.

Wow! Am I getting soft or is this really two good pitches in a row? Of course now I’m concerned that my judgment is skewed. Maybe I am getting soft. But no, this is good. This grabs my interest. While normally I might say a pitch like this is backstory, it’s not when it’s world building. I clearly see who Aberthuil is and what his conflict is. While he's sure it might be the voices in his head, his true conflict is the story of the life he doesn’t remember. Very, very cool.


93. Edith
- Classic Romance with a Twist -

You never have a chance to alter your destiny. Morgan Ashton is given this chance to go back in time to fall in love with the right man. Two handsome and rakish men fight for her attention, each one having their own way to seduce the outspoken Ashton. As soon as she thinks she has made her choice, her love and her heart demand the truth. But will she be able to discover this truth before her time is up?

You conflict yourself right off the bat, which is a problem. If you never have a chance to alter your destiny, how come Morgan Ashton does? I think you’ll need to reword that. In the end, though, I find this confusing. I think it’s a case of you being too vague. Does she really travel in time, and what do you mean that “her love and her heart demand the truth”? Get more specifically to the point. Is the entire book about choosing between the two men? If not, what else is going on to make the story stand out and be different?


94. poor mouse
A god chooses Norida's ruler, but the young commoner he made Queen doesn't have leadership experience and knows very little about the conditions of the land she now rules. Worse, her high ministers work subtly to keep her isolated and ignorant so that they can manipulate her into doing their will. Did their god pick a ruler destined to fail? Or will those "failings" be the key to exposing the traitors within her government and surviving long enough to bring them to justice?

Hmmm. Is the story about the god or the Queen? If it’s about the Queen, let’s make it more about the Queen and her conflicts. I would suggest you eliminate the questions. I think that softens your message. Making them statements makes them more a conflict: “Queen Matilda wonders why the god should have chosen her as ruler of Norida. She knows very little of the conditions of the land she now rules and every decision she makes seems to mark her a failure....” And then we’ll need a little more from you about what’s happening in the land that she is leading.


95. Shaun
The year is 1959, racism is impacted in society, and Sara Jane Lawrence is missing. When Detective Sergeant John McCourt takes over the investigation of the missing biracial girl, he finds his suspect's journal. Spellbound, as he reads, he finds himself reliving the past few months through the eyes of his suspect, and ultimately finds the bittersweet truth of what happened to Sara Jane.

Warning: The misuse of “is impacted” instead of “has impacted” could warrant a rejection from me. I understand typos happen and can forgive some in the book. But when it’s a clear grammatical error in a one-page query I will worry. It gives me the impression that your book is not going to be well written. A couple of thoughts here. I love the idea of a detective tracking a missing biracial girl in a racist society. For some reason it sounds very Mystic River (although it’s not even close) to me. I immediately think it’s going to be dark, gritty, full of tension and with very, very compelling characters. In other words, the idea grabs me. The writing and overall execution though would force a rejection. Based on your pitch it sounds to me like the entire investigation is done by reading a journal. No one wants to read an entire book (especially a thriller) that’s simply journal entries. The writing also feels sparse to me and I know that’s going to confuse some, but you can write a very short and compelling pitch without making it sound sparse. This sounded sparse, like not enough was really going to be happening.


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now (and no slacking off on me!). . . .

Jessica

Moving right along. . . . Here’s the original post: Perfecting Your Pitch.

83. Brenda
The highlight of C. J. Ellington’s day was his walk to the post office. Excitement coursed through his body as he awakened each morning, eagerly anticipating his two-mile trek into town to check his mail. He never knew what to expect: Information from Publisher’s Clearinghouse? Entry forms for a free trip to Disneyworld or Hollywood? A letter from his cousin in Tiptonville?

But that was before his whole life was turned upside down.

From an agent’s perspective this is a very typical pitch, one that’s meant to entice us, but since we see it all the time it doesn’t. Obviously, to me anyway, C. J. lives a fairly boring life. I go to the post office on a regular basis and I can’t imagine it ever being the highlight of my day. So why would I want to read about this guy? I mean, turning his life upside down could mean they’re out of stamps. Show us how his life was turned upside down. I assume that’s not going to give the book away, so that’s what we want to see.


84. Katherine
Fifteen-year-old Anna has six weeks to come up with a plan. It takes her six days. Traveling across the country to find answers to her past, Anna is prepared for anything. But she isn’t expecting this.

Strange coincidence, this post has the exact same problems as the previous post, and hopefully that gives you a sense of exactly what I mean. Neither really tells me anything exciting or different about this story. And that’s what I want to know. What makes your book both exciting and different?


85. L.C. McCabe
From the dawn of the Middle Ages comes a tale of impossible love between two sworn enemies: Bradamante, the niece of Charlemagne, and Ruggiero, a Saracen warrior descended from Hector of Troy. Both are legendary warriors who meet and fall in love on the field of battle and become separated. They fight to overcome the many obstacles threatening to keep them apart: being sworn to two different sovereigns who are at war with one another, being of different faiths, and magical forces intent on denying them from fulfilling their destiny.

Very, very general, this pitch. I like your opening. I found that interesting. Who doesn’t love a Romeo and Juliet story? But the end feels typical and like it could fit almost any book. Most love stories mean overcoming obstacles, and I’m not convinced that the rest of it really is different enough. What I need to see is action and plot. Not generalizations. What happens when they meet, what is their actual conflict specifically, and what do they have to do to win the fight?


86. reality
Does Virtue Pay? A brothel that offers no sex shall find out.

I like this. This definitely grabs my attention and makes me wonder. Now what I need to know to turn this from a tagline to a pitch is what's next. I also need a sense of what kind of book this is. I guess I need to know why anyone would open a brothel with no sex and how your characters play into it.


87. lainey baincroft
Mouthy meets moral--in the middle of the mattress.

'In The Air Tonight'. 100K romantic suspense.

I have no idea how your pitch could possibly be a romantic suspense. It sounds more like a romantic comedy. Your pitch should always give the tone and feeling of your book, and, most important, we should have a sense of exactly what genre you’re writing without needing you to tell us. I think the real issue of your book better be what makes this suspenseful and not who the heroine and hero are (which is what I assume you’re telling us).


88. anon 8:16
With her older brother Jimmy gone missing in Iraq, a hurricane in the forecast, and her long-absent father appearing suddenly at the front door, twelve-year-old Nadine has her hands full, trying to do it all: She needs to find her brother, save her bottle tree from hurricane-force winds, and make her parents fall in love again.

I like this. I think you have some good elements here, but I think you’ve gone too far and tried to give us too much. Instead of telling us how all three things relate (especially since it makes no sense to me why she would need to save a tree over a house or how saving a tree could even compare to a brother missing at war), why don’t you focus on the most important conflict. What is it that Nadine really has to do? I doubt she can find her brother since he’s in another country, and there’s only so much you can do about a hurricane, so what is Nadine’s true conflict? What is the crux of the story?


89. anchored away
Mari has a reputation for dealing with demons, but stickler Ben needs her help to find a dangerous manuscript before it can be published. Mari jumps at the chance to quash rumors and redeem herself, but working so closely with Ben proves dangerous as her carefully erected walls disintegrate in the face of his HEX APPEAL.

This feels disjointed to me. She “has a reputation for dealing with demons, but....”; that doesn’t work for me grammatically. And does her demon hunting really matter when it comes to finding the manuscript? It doesn’t seem to according to your pitch. If it does, we should know that. And why does she need to redeem herself? I don’t think we necessarily need to know this unless it’s her conflict. I think you need to figure out what the heart of the story is (and it’s probably not working closely with Ben) and focus on that. What sort of conflict are they really up against when it comes to finding the manuscript?


Okay, readers, it’s up to you now. . . .

Jessica

I hope you’re not getting bored with these yet. I think we’re finally well beyond the halfway mark. Thanks, everyone, for submitting and commenting, and please continue to do so. I think making this a forum where everyone can improve her pitch is terrific. This has been fun for me. Here’s the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch, and you should be able to link back to all previous critiques if necessary.

77. jaxpop
Making the choice to risk your own life to rescue a friend requires great courage and selflessness. Add having to abandon $15,000,000 in gold during the process raises the stakes significantly. Following through on it, as a fifteen year old, provides reason for pause, but for Jack, the commitment must be made in an instant.

My first concern is that grammatically this is really awkward. Wouldn’t it be stronger just to say, “. . . Abandoning $15 million in gold in the process takes even greater selflessness, but for 15-year-old Jack the decision must be made in an instant when . . .”? I think we need just a little more here. I love the opening two lines, but I think we need to know a why or a what happens to force this decision.

78. anon 11:21
'See Lotty Run' is an 85,000 word Romantic Thriller:
Lotty killed her baby didn't she? With a new face and a new start, it all seems to be working out. Till she falls for a cop.

It’s missing that special oomph. My first concern is the question: Did she or didn’t she kill her baby? I wouldn’t advise starting with a question and certainly not this one, it doesn’t entice me. Why not just say, "After accidentally (you’ll need to let us know immediately how sympathetic we can be for this character) killing her own baby, Lotty starts out with a new face and a new start...”? I hope your entire conflict is not that she’s fallen for a cop. That’s not enough and, truthfully, pretty easy to get out of. You just walk away. Something more has to be happening to Lotty in this story. Something to really up the suspense. If this really is a romantic suspense I need to see the suspense in your pitch and not the romance. I’m not quite as concerned with that. If, however, you’re calling it a thriller, you need to up the stakes even more. Agents will expect a lot of fear in a thriller. We need to see that in the pitch.

79. JLT
Becky Miller is stunned to discover that her husband, Walter, is having an affair with a mentally challenged cocktail waitress. Even worse, Walter’s girlfriend has suggested that she and Walter would both be better a lot off if Becky were permanently removed from the picture. Becky thus decides to teach Walter a lesson that he’ll never forget, but as she sets her scheme into motion, things go tragically wrong and Becky suddenly finds herself in danger of becoming the principal victim of her own carefully constructed plan…

I’m sure I’m going to take a hit for this, but you want honesty, right? From your first sentence I would reject this. I have a really, really hard time with the fact that her husband is having an affair with someone who is mentally challenged. Granted, there are definitely extremes to this definition, but my first thought is that if he’s having an “affair” with someone who is mentally challenged then he is as bad as a pedophile. In other words, he’s clearly taking advantage of someone and the least of your concerns is their plot to do away with Becky. I think the real concern is that she’s married a man who is essentially a criminal. To rectify this you’ll need to clarify how challenged this waitress is, and I’m not sure that needs to be done in the pitch. Hopefully it comes across better in the book. Beyond that, though, I think your real hook is that, “Becky discovers her husband’s affair and in an attempt to teach him a lesson things go tragically wrong. Instead of simply enacting revenge on her cheating man, Becky finds herself in danger...” I think you need a little bit more, a little bit more of an idea of how dangerous the danger is, but I hope you get the idea.

80. Jduncan
Pathology Assistant, June Marigold is moving up in the world thanks to the magical ring given to her by her mother, which allows her to see and speak to the dead. After solving a notorious, deadend case, June found herself with a brand new apartment up in the Thirties, high above the dreadful waterways of a now flooded lower Manhatten. But when the corpse of a merman shows up in the morgue and then mysteriously vanishes overnight, June finds herself caught up in an ongoing struggle between the Mer and a corrupt part of NYC that wants the City's newest residents permanently removed. Having to delve into the murky underwater world of the lowest Manhatten is the last thing June wants, especially accompanied by the mysterious and unnerving Mer, Bolen, who serves her pagan mother and absurdly refers to June as 'Princess.' The entire problem would have been washed away if, when she tried returning the stupid ring to her mother, June hadn't discovered the power to see the dead didn't lie in the ring at all, but in her.

Too long! Let me ask you this: What really matters to the core of your story? In other words, if you want to attract a reader, what is your biggest hook? Is it that the ring came from her mother? That she’s moving up in the world? That she lives in the Thirties? No. I think the real core of this is that she’s a pathologist with the ability to see and speak to the dead. That’s amazing. That’s a book I want to read. The rest of it is just padding. The rest is what creates the book and builds your characters. A pathologist who can see and speak to the dead and is forced to use her powers to uncover a struggle between the Mer and the residents of NYC. I like this idea a lot; however, based on your pitch, my conclusion is that you don’t have a very fleshed-out story. That you’re trying to do too much and not really focusing on writing a great, amazing, and really coherent plot.

81. Jeanne
Neska has never been out of her native mountains and knows nothing about leading armies or defeating a usurper. She has never cast a spell or decided the course of a kingdom. All she knows is that the usurper has killed the king for the throne and had her own family murdered for their loyalty. Neska is on the run, and has no idea how she will surivive much less bring about justice. But all that will change when a mysterious mage dies transferring his tattoos and his magical power to her.

The pitch here is what happens when the mysterious mage dies and what really happens next. To me the fact that Neska has never been out of the mountains, etc., is merely backstory. Why not shorten, tighten, and get to the point faster? I’m also not entirely sure what’s going on here. Is Neska related to the king? Why is she responsible for bringing justice? And what is this story really about? Is it about Neska being on her own, outside of the mountains, or is it really what happens after the mage dies? I think you need to give a better sense of who Neska is as well as a better sense of what the story is really about. I assume it’s about the need to bring justice, but from whom and why?

82. wplasvegas
Secret Lore of the Dolphins is an epic story about a seven year old girl shipwrecked in the Bermuda Triangle, who is rescued, then befriended by dolphins, and taught their language. Now an adult, she returns to civilization appointed as, "Ambassador of the People of the Sea to the People of the Land."

Try not to give any pitch that says something along the lines of, “title is an...” It immediately reads like book report material and takes the life out of the pitch. What about something like, “When seven-year-old Tina is shipwrecked, alone, in the Bermuda Triangle, she learns to rely on a group(?) of dolphins to teach her survival....” Reading that, however, I immediately think this is a YA book, and a great idea at that. It’s only when I read your next line that I’m utterly confused. What exactly is this book about? I assume it’s not about the girl living on the island and getting to know the dolphins, but instead about her life as an adult. What does that entail and what is her conflict? Most important, though, what exactly is the Ambassador of the People of the Sea to the People of the Land and what does all of that mean?


Now I turn it over to the readers. And don’t slack off on me. If I can keep coming back with critiques, comments, and suggestions, so can you. We’ve got a lot more coming!

Jessica

More critiques for you. I’ve seen a lot of great pitches so far. Here’s the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch, and you should be able to link back to all previous critiques if necessary.

72. Dead Man Walking
Jessica had it all - her own agency, a popular blog, and even a man who liked watching Oprah with her. But when someone steals her egg salad sandwiches from the office fridge on the morning of the annual Festivus Potluck, Jessica finds herself smack in the middle of a mystery. With toe-hair curling prose, BROUHAHA AT BOOKENDS shows what happens when an obnoxious slushpile-reader-who-doesn't-swing-her-arms-when-she-walks meets up with the agent who ruined her life with a simple form reject.

I have printed this out and hung it on my wall. Not only did it make me laugh out loud, but of course it’s a book I’m dying to read ;) Thanks, Dead Man, it’s definitely the break I needed. And brilliant as well. I’m really impressed. And of course who wouldn’t want to read a mystery with a literary agent protagonist?

73. dramabird
Set in a nearly empty college in the final stages of closure, my novel The Campus is a 103,000-word thriller. Kiley is a theatre tech major who excels behind the scenes, but in a single, terrifying night, she is propelled center stage when the school’s few remaining students are threatened by a group of masked men whose motives are not what they seem.

In a story of mayhem, secrets and loyalty (not to mention hammers, hydrochloric acid, pancakes and the gates of the Emerald City), Kiley – a heroine with moxie rather than muscles – must do whatever it takes to rescue her ex-boyfriend, protect newfound allies and keep herself alive until morning.

This has potential. I think you need to be a little more straightforward, though. I would also eliminate the line about hammers to Emerald City. If this is a thriller, you want your pitch to remain thrilling (and suspenseful) even if you have light comedy in your book—adding it to the pitch can diminish that sense of suspense you want the reader to feel. I think that the pitch is a little shorter. “Kiley is a theatre tech major who excels behind the scenes and never desires center stage, but in a single terrifying night that’s exactly where she finds herself. When a group of masked men take over the theatre, demanding ????, only Kiley, hidden in her ????, is the one left to save them.” Or something along those lines. My concern overall is that I’m not feeling that this is really something that grabs my interest. College students in a theatre don’t have that “grab me and read me” quality. So my question is do your masked men? Are their motives ones that might attract readers?

74. tracey
A Lady's Revenge is an edgy, sensual romance set in 1805 England, between a beautiful, dedicated British Operative and a resourceful English Earl, who shows her how to trust and love again.

Snoooze! This shows me absolutely nothing different about your book. The opening line gives me no sense of voice. It sounds like it’s a description from a review. Get into it and get excited. "Lady Vanessa Gray is a British Operative with ????, but when she’s left investigating Earl Jonas Frank...." Do you see what I mean? We need to know what your real hook is and everything in your description reads like almost any other historical romance. I suspect the British Operative is your real hook, so run with that.

75. anon 9:21
MARIAH, once a foundling but now the most powerful woman in the Marches, has a tongue that flicks like a lash. LINDEN, the ruler who once shared her bed with his half-brother, is her most frequent target. Mariah is tempted to withdraw from Linden’s council of advisors. Yet, she can’t abandon the descendants of the people who fought at her side during the Rebellion four centuries ago because Linden is showing signs of his mother's madness. Then, her granddaughter is used as bait in a plot to overthrow Linden's rule.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I have no sense if this is a romance, mystery, historical novel, or SF/Fantasy. Is your conflict and is your hook really that she has a sharp tongue? And what do I care if she withdraws from the council? What impact is that going to have? I assume that Mariah, Linden, and his half-brother were all lovers? What does that have to do with anything? I don’t get any real sense of conflict in this, and because of that I have a difficult time really helping you take it in a new direction.

76. Ryshia Kennie
Caught in the middle of an intrigue she doesn’t understand, in a country she once fled, reporter and freelance writer, Claire Linton, has to learn fast. What began as a trip to Cambodia to find her maternal relatives, confront her past and the long ago escape from the Khmer Rouge, has turned deadly. She becomes an involuntary mule when she purchases a souvenir, a Buddha bust. Two men follow her and both want the bust. But it is the one called Simon, the expat American, who scares her. His kisses are treacherous, fogging an already dangerous present. The biggest story of her career finds her caught in the middle of a heroin smuggling operation where she soon learns that the only one she can trust is herself.

I think this has potential. It’s definitely interesting. I think it could be tightened even a little more, and you could address the conflict with greater urgency. Especially since this is supposed to be a thriller? “Caught in the middle of an intrigue she doesn’t understand, in a country she once fled, reporter and freelance writer Claire Linton has to learn fast. What began as a trip to Cambodia to find her maternal relatives and confront her past has turned deadly.” And here is where it gets shaky for me. Are the two men following her cops? And what is the story? Is it the heroin smuggling? If so, is she really concerned about the story if she is actually it? I think your next sentence is more along the lines of, “caught in the middle of a heroin smuggling operation and what promises to be the biggest story of her career, Claire...” I’ll leave the rest to you. But keep the suspense up. Show us what Claire is really up against.


Great work, everyone. And now to the readers and your feedback. . . .

Jessica

More critiques for you. I’ve seen some great, great pitches so far, some that needed a lot of work, and some just a little tweaking. Good work, everyone. And great books! Here’s the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch, and you should be able to link back to all previous critiques if necessary.

66. linda
On the day of Victoria’s engagement to Boston blue-blood, Scott Halstead, she inherits a farm in Oklahoma and is forced to make a choice between a life of privilege or the skeleton in her closet.

Doesn’t do it for me. It just doesn’t grab me. Why is she forced to make this choice and why can’t she marry a blue-blood and have a farm? What’s really at risk for her? You’ll need to expand on this a little. We’ll need a better sense of Victoria and what this really means to her and for her.

67. sharon
Grayson Cyre lives in a world where war has gone on for so long, no one remembers why it started. After his treasonous sister is arrested, Grayson vows to seek revenge against the enemy--the anonymous forces whose surprise attack left his colony decimated and his parents dead.

This doesn’t sound different enough. So many books are about revenge, so what is different for Grayson? What about his sister’s arrest makes him decide to do something? Is he trying to finally end the war? Why does he think he can do it and no one else? Why now? What will he face? We need to know what makes this book stand out from others and I’m not seeing it here.

68. carol a. spradling
Widowed and propositioned at the gravesite is not Anna Sinclair's idea of romance, but lifelong friend Daniel Mercy is not a man easily refused. They marry within days of her husband’s funeral, and she prepares for the raised eyebrows of 1762, Charleston society.

Daniel struggles to maintain his faltering shipping company and in the process, he and Anna learn of Seth's involvement with embezzlement, smuggling, and attempted murder. When he discovers the name of Seth's murderer, Anna is kidnapped and buried alive.

Some secrets should remain buried with the dead but as Anna fights to stay alive, she uncovers one secret Daniel has hidden from her.

Too long! My first concern is why does she marry him? It’s not her idea of romance and seems rude, so why does she do it? Why would Daniel? How can Anna uncover a secret if she’s buried alive? There seems to be a lot of holes in this story, and that would make me pause with concern. I like the fact that she’s propositioned at the gravesite, but I don’t see how that connects to Daniel’s faltering shipping company and later Anna being kidnapped. This is another case where I would suggest you take a look at your book first, pitch later. It seems like the book has some plot problems that will need to be addressed before you can start pitching.

69. deborah
Pregnant and fleeing an arranged marriage, Dianna Marshall sets sail for America on board the Titanic in the company Margaret and William Stewart, a childless couple who offer Dianna sanctuary in exchange for her unborn child. But when the Titanic sinks, and William Stewart dies, Dianna is catapulted into a world completely foreign to her where she faces desperate choices: will it be the life she's been raised to lead, the man her heart desires, or the unborn child she's come to love? She can't have everything, but the wrong choice may leave her with nothing.

This is an odd case where I think the ending works better than the beginning. I think this could be tighter: “Pregnant and fleeing an arranged marriage, Dianna Marshall’s only hope is to accept sanctuary from a childless couple in exchange for her baby. But when the ship sinks (does it need to be the Titanic?) . . .” Now we need specifics. Why is the world foreign to her? Why must she face these choices? Why can’t she have the man and the baby? Why will walking away from both leave her with nothing?

70. anon 7:00
Rane is in a bind. He has a few weeks to break a witch’s curse or all his friends will die. They’ve been soul chasers for hundreds of years, blithely inhaling the spirits of nearby villagers. But now, three of them are dead and four are trapped inside their castle. As the only one who escaped, Rane must find their estranged creator, Markin, before it is too late. Along the way, he discovers the last vampire and quickly learns that the soul chasers evolved from this very creature. Rane will fight off wild chasers, fall in love with a mortal and break the curse before it’s all over.

I think your beginning is wonderful, it’s the end where I think you try to push in too much information. I think this is nearly perfect, but needs a little tightening. What about, “Rane has only a few weeks to break a witch’s curse or all his friends will die. They’ve been soul chasers for hundreds of years, blithely inhaling the spirits of nearby villagers. But now, three of them are dead and four are trapped inside a castle. As the only one who escaped, Rane must find their estranged creator, Markin . . .”? And this is where I feel it fell off. Let’s get to the point of what he must really do. Could you just say that he must find the creator and break the curse? Or is there something even more? Is time ticking? Does he learn something along the way? Many books have a similar plot line—time is ticking, someone must find the cure. What makes yours really pop? The things that I think were cool here are the soul chasers, and the last vampire. What else do you have to make it jump out at me?

71. Loquacious Me
In addition to being a loving father and devoted husband, Jesse Dawson is also a modern samurai and champion of lost souls. When his fellow champions begin to go missing, he has no choice but to complete his current contract to save the soul of an aging baseball player. But the forces of darkness want his soul, and when demons are involved, things literally go to Hell.

An instance where I feel like you’re telling instead of showing me your pitch. I don’t get any sense of atmosphere or voice from this. What about something like, “Jesse Dawsom is a loving father and devoted husband. He’s also a modern samurai and champion of lost souls. It’s Jesse’s job to . . . But when fellow samurai champions go missing, it’s up to Jesse to save them, and the only way to do that is . . .”? And I think your last line is great. You need to put some more energy into the first paragraphs to make me want to read this.


Great work, everyone. And now to the readers and your feedback. . . .

Jessica

We’re almost halfway! Here’s the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch, and you should be able to link back to all previous critiques if necessary

61. bob duggan
Charlie Justice was a twisted little adolescent. Some of that twistedness could be traced to the chemicals that course through the veins of every fifteen year-old male. If chemicals were responsible for the formation of Charlie's personality, they must have come from that Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India. Fortunately, he had an unusual head for numbers, which enabled some of the adults around him to excuse his perverse behavior.

R. Clifford Harbaugh was a twelve-year veteran of the FBI. A former Marine 0311, he had slogged through two thirteen-month tours of duty in Southeast Asia. A gruff, no-nonsense professional, Agent Harbaugh, despite his current affiliation with the FBI, was still at heart committed to God, country, and the Corps.

In 1986, Charlie Justice and Agent Harbaugh would meet as part of a special government program that Agent Harbaugh would later describe as "a complete and thorough cluster-fuck". Together, they would thwart one of the most horrendous financial attacks ever leveled at the United States.

Bob! This is not a query contest, just the pitch. Your pitch is almost as long as your entire query letter should be. We don’t need backstory. In other words, the first two paragraphs aren’t necessary. Let’s just get to it. What is your book really about? Is it about the history of Charlie and Agent Hargaugh, or is it the thwarted attacks, or is it the cluster-fuck? I suspect the book is about the lead-up to the attacks—what happens. That’s your pitch. Be careful that in any pitch you eliminate backstory. It’s usually not necessary.

62. v.j. Davis
FBI Special Agent Carly Benson is lost in Hell’s Gate Wilderness and she’s not alone. While playing a dangerous game of cat and mouse with an unknown stalker Carly solves the riddle surrounding the mysterious disappearance of Steven Younger, one of the FBI’s ten most wanted. Will Carly survive Hell’s Gate to apprehend Younger or will the secret of his location die with her in Hell’s Gate?

Cool. Although a tad confusing. Did she really get lost or was she there searching for clues? I’m concerned that this reads like she is running through the woods from a stalker and thinking about work at the same time. Suddenly she figures out what happened to Steven Younger and now she really has to get out. I imagine that’s not the story you’re trying to convey. I like the idea (but I like FBI books), but I’m not convinced your pitch works. I think you need a revamp that makes it easier to understand.

63. wanderingray
Reluctant Heroes: Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy meets BattleStar Galactica

An instance where it’s dangerous to use comparison. I’ve never read Hitchhiker and I haven’t seen BattleStar since I was a kid. Refer to an earlier critique, but if you’re going to use comparisons you need to then show how the comparison works with your book. What is it about your book that warrants that comparison?

64. anon 5:13
Evil, in the form of a psychotic terrorist known as Dante now resides in the remote mountain community of Pine Ridge, Arizona. Sheriff Gabe Navarro thought he knew his town, yet nothing could have prepared him for the journey he and Department of Justice Agents Shelby Ryan and Carson Billings of the domestic terrorism unit are about to make. Can the trio save Pine Ridge? Can they save themselves?

The opening sentence is fabulous! The rest is bland. What is the journey they are going to take and what does the psychotic terrorist have planned? Don’t end your pitch with questions. You should be answering mine, not asking them of me. I don’t know. I assume they can save Pine Ridge, but from what and why?

65. michelle
Dominion Day 106,000 word SF novel

There’s got to be more to life than being a high paid assassin.
I mean, I am taking peoples lives. That can’t be the best thing.
Even if the pay is good, it doesn’t make up for living around Commander Jensen.
I could resign…
If I resigned, Jensen would still be a thorn in my side.
However, if he thought I was dead....

Antony Danic, the Corps most renowned sniper, and munitions expert has the perfect job. Or does he? Destiny has other plans for him. He fakes his death to get out from under his commander’s thumb. Changing his name and his looks to keep his former identity dead. As Noble Standing, he begins to make decisions that change him from the coarse devil may care bad boy, to the honorable good guy that the prophecies foretell about him.

One man begins to find and fulfill his destiny.

Another case of a pitch turned query letter. Much too long. I would skip the opening lines altogether. They don't endear me to your work. The paragraph beginning with Antony Danic is good. Much better, anyway, and that’s really your pitch. Of course you also need to rewrite that last sentence. Now that he’s changed his name and looks, what is his conflict? It seems to me that’s already solved by the beginning of the book. He hated his job so he quit. What happens next? Oh, and skip your final line. Too vague.


Great work, everyone. And now to the readers and your feedback. . . .

Jessica

Plodding along and through. Here’s the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch, and you should be able to link back to all previous critiques if necessary.

56. cindy procter-king
(humorous romantic mystery)
Short one-sentence:
A photographer falls for her sexy trainee only to discover he’s an ex-cop investigating sabotage at her boss’s studio…and she’s a suspect.

Long one-sentence:
When a photographer falls for her sexy apprentice then discovers he’s an ex-cop working undercover investigating sabotage at the studio she wants to buy from his uncle and that she’s a suspect, she plays Nancy Drew behind his back, unearthing his uncle’s old blackmailing habit which leads to the disturbing realization that not only has the uncle sabotaged his own business but a secret enemy is now stalking him--and all their lives are in danger.

Holy run-on sentence. It’s bad enough to try to fit everything into a pitch, but one sentence is even tougher. That speaks volumes to an agent about how the work might be written. Remember a pitch is about the hook, but it should also give insight into the tone, voice, and writing of the book. What makes me nervous about this one is that you are trying to squeeze a lot of information in, but none of it is really different or interesting (at least to me). It seems to me that the book is about the secret enemy. That’s the real conflict, and the rest is just getting us to that point.

57. jeannie
Historical Romance Tagline:
A discarded widow and a Duke discover if love can survive scandal and betrayal.

Paragraph:
Michael Ashton, the Duke of Ravensdale, is caught in two scandals, neither of which is his own doing. The first involves a woman (don’t they always), and the second…well, it also involves a woman and a large sum of stolen money. In order to save the reputation Michael has spent his life rebuilding, he must track down the widow of his presumed-dead cousin in order to charm...or seduce her missing husband's whereabouts from her.

I like this. I think your tagline, while not all that different from others, has that certain something. To be honest, it’s the word “discarded”—what an interesting choice—and it says a lot about what we can expect from your heroine. And the paragraph is great. I love the tone of this and anticipate fun reading in the book. This is a case where the plot isn’t necessarily all that unique from other historical romances (they usually aren’t), but the author has put some fun twists in her tone, voice, and word choice that make this interesting to the reader. I would definitely request this.

58. inez kelly
Same name
Same address
same flight
same luggage
same life goals
But if opposites attract, what future do they have?

Interesting. . . . It grabs my attention, but I don’t think it’s enough. Think of a book cover. This would be on the top of the back cover, and then underneath you would have a paragraph telling us specifically what the book is about. In other words, this is your tagline, but now we need the pitch. Who are they and what happens?

59. chiron o’keefe
Sentence:
A wannabe Leading Lady must choose between two drool-worthy contenders for the perfect Leading Man, while masquerading as an assistant to the author of the best-selling book she secretly penned.

Paragraph:
In Adventures of a Dubious Love Goddess, a copywriter publishes the fictional exploits of her alter ego, while pretending to be the author’s assistant. When the How To book for aspiring love goddesses zooms in popularity, the pressure to reveal her true identity forces an uncomfortable realization of just how superficial her perspective might be. Her alter ego’s book features fantasy encounters coupled with flippant advice, pushing her pet theory—available men are either Leading Men or Sidekicks. The perfect example of a Leading Men is the mysterious author who pens the Man About Town column. When a handsome stranger woos Megan, hinting he’s the elusive writer, she believes all her love goddess fantasies just might come true. Except for the inconvenient, toe-curling attraction to her neighbor—the psych professor whose intense eyes and wicked grin leave her fantasizing about hot love with a Sidekick instead of her new Leading Man.

Another case of the dangerous information dump. Even your sentence is squeezing everything possible into it. Slow down and step back. I think you could skip the sentence altogether and go right to the paragraph. I like the first two paragraphs, but after that it gets a little convoluted, which makes me fear that your book is also convoluted. Outside of the romance, what is her conflict? This could be a lot tighter I suspect: “In Adventures of a Dubious Love Goddess, a copywriter publishes the fictional exploits of her alter ego, while pretending to be the author’s assistant. When the How To book for aspiring love goddesses hits bestseller lists, the pressure to reveal her true identity forces an uncomfortable realization of just how superficial her perspective might be. Forced to face reality, Susan is challenged by her own book. Are all available men either Leading Men or Sidekicks, and if given the choice, which is really better?” Okay, that needs work too, but I think you get the idea.

60. mike davis
Valentine is a Child of Loki and one of the original Berserker tribesmen of Norse Folklore. With unobstructed access to the minds of his chosen victims and the ability to assume their precise physical characteristics, he takes what he wants, when and from where he pleases. He is the ultimate identity thief, unconstrained by the password-encrypted barriers his human counterparts face. Only a conscience and the inherent loneliness his immortality brings, stand between him and the decadent life of leisure lead by his brothers and sisters.

I love this! I really think this sounds cool. My only suggestion is not to let it dwindle out. Give us the conflict in the last sentence. What is this book about and what does Valentine face? I hope the book isn’t entirely an internal battle for Valentine on whether to use his powers or not. That would be boring. No, I want to know what he’s going to be up against in this book. If you can nail that last line you have an absolute winner here.


You all must be learning. Great work, everyone. And now to the readers and your feedback. . . .

Jessica

Holy cow! I’m not even halfway there yet! What have I done?! My fingers are tired, but I’m still having fun. Here’s the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch, and you should be able to link back to all previous critiques if necessary.

49. mark terry
CHINA FIRE
CIA operative Monaco Grace flies to Beijing to investigate the disappearance of undercover agent Peter Lee. Soon after making contact with Lee’s American friend, college professor Alan Richter, they find themselves on the run from assassins intent on retrieving information Lee gave to Richter. Trying to keep herself and Richter alive, Monaco makes a devil’s deal with a Chinese crime organization while attempting to untangle a web of lies and deceit that reaches back to the heights of U.S. government and threatens to topple the balance of world power.

True confession first. I’ve been a little nervous about critiquing Mark’s pitch since I know he worked on it, blogged on it, and has an agent. For so many obvious reasons this might make me a little biased going in. It’s so much easier when you’re anonymous. Of course then I worry you’re a client and I totally didn’t recognize the book ;) So here goes . . .

I don’t love this. Of course, I don’t love this kind of book. I think you are still overcomplicating it. Do we need to even mention the name of Peter Lee or Alan Richter, for that matter? I find that in pitches things tend to get confusing the more people you mention. When you are trying to hook someone with just a few short sentences it’s best to keep the characters to a minimum and the suspense/conflict to a maximum. My major concern though is that this doesn’t jump out at me as something that’s really different from other similar books (of course, I also don’t read a lot of other similar books). How about something more like . . . ”In an attempt to untangle the web of lies that threaten to topple the balance of world power, CIA operative Monaco Grace (LOVE this name) has made a devil’s deal with a Chinese crime organization. Now it’s a race against time while she . . ."? (more specifics here on what exactly might be happening?). This was a hard one for even a pitchmaster like me. I find thrillers to be some of the hardest pitches to write since the plots are often very complicated.

50. phammonds
Maggie Allen, recently pregnant, is abandoned by her college boyfriend in small-town Durban, Alabama. Seven years later, Maggie finds herself back in college and back in love. This time it’s with young college professor, Wade Evans. Confined to a wheelchair, Wade became paralyzed in a motorcycle accident that claimed another man’s life. Perhaps Maggie can learn to trust again from a man who knows much about love and loss.

Snooze. This just doesn’t grab me and it really doesn’t sound any different from any other book. I also see too much information and a lot of disconnects. Does it matter that she was recently pregnant or is she recently pregnant? If the book takes place seven years after the pregnancy, it seems that’s really old news and simply a part of her past. My other question is who is this book about, Maggie or Wade? Is this romance or women’s fiction? It reads like romance, but the story doesn’t sound remarkable enough. I think what I’m getting at is that there must be more to your story than love and loss, because almost all romances and/or women’s fiction are about love and loss. What is the true conflict?

51. bernita
Urban fantasy: A Malignity of Ghosts.
Lillie St. Clair is a full-spectrum, mega-Talent, employed as one of the city's official Freaks to remove unwanted apparitions.
She doesn't do zombies, however; her specialty is ghosts.
But some believe that Lillie's exorcism of the disembodied is genocide, and someone re-animated her dead husband for revenge.
And Lillie isn't sure she can trust her black spectral hound, Dumbarton, or the chatty bean sidhe from the laundromat, or even big, ugly psi-crime detective Johnnie Thresher.
She isn't sure she can trust herself.

You’ve got potential, but you’re trying to be too clever. Your title is first. “Malignity?” This word is too uncommon for a title and immediately detracts. What are you really trying to say? Spitefulness of Ghosts? Then say that. You need to think about your common, everyday reader. If they have to look up a word in the title they will certainly never buy the book. What is the point of the zombie line? It’s obviously part of her shtick, but I don’t think it adds to the pitch. In fact, if anything, it confuses. I think you have a series of one-sentence pitches, but nothing connects. What’s Lillie’s true conflict? The reanimation of her husband or the belief that what she’s doing is genocide? Why does she need to trust her dog, the sidhe, or even herself?

52. heidi
Caroline Hayes installs gutters on a house that sees only two inches of rain a year, bubble-wraps her CDs so they won’t get scratched, and scotch-guards her car seats religiously every six months, but the one thing she values most she can’t protect. When a drunk driver careens around a curve on California’s coastal highway, Caroline’s life as she knew it is ripped apart. The secret she’s kept from her husband about that night tear at the seams of their relationship, and she finds herself turning to a stranger who is keeping secrets of his own. Little does she know how deeply her life is intertwined with the drunken woman who died beside her, who left her with scars that would not heal, and a gift beyond anything she could fathom. My novel Ocean Deep delves into the murky waters of secrets, lies, and the ties that bind people together.

LOVE this! Wow. What a great pitch. I see who Caroline is and I clearly see her conflict. This one gives me chills and I would definitely request based on this. In fact, this pitch is so strong it has the potential to get full requests right off the bat. This is the type of pitch that has editors and agents at conferences talking. It also has a great title. I even think the very vague last line works. Why? Because you had very specific opening sentences prior to that. Well done!

53. belinda (worderella)
Tagline for Trentwood's Orphan:
A grieving daughter encounters love and ghosts in Victorian England.
Paragraph: Eight years ago, Mary and her father, Lord Trentwood, were in a riding accident that left him paralyzed. Two years ago, Trentwood died, making Mary promise to go to London and make amends with her guilt. Two minutes ago, Mary broke her engagement to Mr Spencer, and Trentwood isn't going to let her just walk away without an argument.

I’m confused. I assume by the tagline that Trentwood is a ghost, but that isn’t made clear in your actual pitch. I also don’t get the guilt aspect. I think we need to see what is really happening. Don’t try to be too clever here, just get to the point. Does Trentwood’s paralysis have anything to do with the story or Mary’s conflict? If not, delete it. What happens to Mary in London and why can’t she walk away from her engagement? What is Mary’s real conflict, because we don’t see that at all.

54. picks by pat
A pair of FBI agents must hunt down an internet sex predator, not to arrest him, but to arrest his intended victim. A trail of murdered pedophiles leads the FBI to conclude that one young girl is seeking revenge for past abuse by allowing herself to be picked up and then icing her much older suitors.
It's hard to care about her victims, but the latest one just happened to be a close friend of the President, and the sooner this girl is caught (and silenced) the easier for the president's re-election campaign.

I like this concept a lot, until you get to the part about the president. That seems to be pushing the limits for me. If a young girl is killing off pedophiles she’s a serial killer. That alone would put the FBI on the case and it would have nothing to do with the president. Once you throw the president in there you add a level of disbelief for me that makes it sound a little sillier than I would like. However, what a great premise—FBI agents (we should have some sense of who they are if they are the protagonists) hunting a killer they don’t really care if they find. The real challenge for the writer here is that something has to be done so that the reader cares. Books that hunt killers mean that we have to somehow care for the victims or potential victim. It doesn’t sound like anyone here is likable.

55. elizabeth bemis
Holiday – Romantic Suspense WIP
MEGAN MILLER is on her honeymoon (sans groom) in an effort to get over the louse who dumped her days before her wedding. In the past two days, she’s met a guy who isn’t what he seems, been shot at, jumped overboard into (potentially) shark infested waters and stranded in the Mayan jungle with nothing but the clothes on her back and a copy of the Girls’ Guide to Hero-Hunting and an undercover FBI Agent named REY RODRIGUEZ. So far, she’s ignored the book’s every piece of advice, and yet, Rey is proving time and again to be her hero. The question is: will he still be her hero, after their holiday is over?

This is familiar. Must be a do-over. This is fine, but nothing special. Most important, though, the pitch reads like a chick lit/romantic comedy and yet you are calling it suspense. Where’s the suspense? What is she really up against and what is her conflict? It seems her biggest concern is the Girls’ Guide to Hero-Hunting and not that someone might be out to kill her.


Some good ones here. Some I really got excited about. Great work, everyone. And now to the readers and your feedback. . . .

Jessica

Yes, it seems that I’ve decided to critique all of these. I’m insane, I know, but there were some good pitches in there, I’m enjoying myself, and I think you all deserve something. So I’ll keep going until I can go no more. Note that you can continue adding pitches in the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch, until I let you know you should stop (I’ll place a comment to tell you that as well as try to do a post). Pitches placed in the comments of critiques will not be critiqued.

43. heather b. moore
QUEEN (thriller)
An ancient legend reborn.
For centuries, historians have theorized the Queen of Sheba is only a seductive legend. When OMAR ZAGOURI, an undercover Israeli agent, stumbles onto a tomb in Northern Jerusalem, he unknowingly finds the final clue that could overthrow governments, pit wealthy collectors against one another, and send ruthless archaeologists scrambling to find the queen’s secret burial place. Can Omar prevent the greatest discovery of the century from becoming the most deadly, or will he himself be buried with the very mummies he unearthed?

Mmmm. Interesting. I like this. I think it sounds very interesting and I’m close to asking to see more. My only thought is why is this the greatest discovery and how will it become deadly? And why will Omar be buried? In other words, don’t leave us hanging quite like that. Give it to us! Keep the first up until, “that could overthrow governments.” Why not say something like, “he finds the final clue of the Queen’s life. A discovery that has the power to overthrow governments (why?). Now Omar’s greatest discovery might also be his last. With ruthless collectors tracking him down it’s up to Omar to put all of his work ethics aside and hide the one thing he has spent his life seeking...”? Okay, that’s still too vague. You know, it’s hard to rewrite your pitches without having you here to tell me more. What you need to do is be more specific.

44. anon 1:08
When Anne realizes the world’s emotions are reined by another, darker set of beings and that she is part of it, she has to do a lot more than overcome selfishness…or put up with children with a certain knack for mischief, to stay alive.

Trying to fit too much in without giving us anything. I’m intrigued by the fact that “the world’s emotions are reined (controlled a better word?) by another...,” but I need a better idea of what that means. I also suspect that your last line about putting up with children is a hint to the fact that Anne is probably a mom or teacher? That doesn’t seem important to your pitch. If it is, you’ll need to be more specific since it really threw me. What you need to focus on is the emotions aspect, the darker beings and why Anne is involved and why she needs to do something about it.

45. josephine damian
From my WIP A STUDY IN FEAR:
Everyone believes criminal profiler Caroline Armstrong is a European woman with the quintessential American name. She’s afraid that her ex-lover, forensic psychologist Rhys Garrison, will find out she’s really Nina Gorić, a Bosnian war crimes victim turned assassin who killed so her unborn child could survive. When the two profilers reunite to uncover a sadistic serial killer’s identity, old flames rekindle along with new fears when Rhys suspects Caroline’s violent past and secret identity.

Inside scoop here. Anything doing with a criminal profiler or other such things always gets my attention personally. LOVE THIS! Really, really love this. You tell me who she is and how she is haunted. You tell me what she’s up against now and you grab my attention with a very unique twist on an old but always successful story. I would definitely ask to see this (and of course hope you’d send it).

46. jduncan
Just a thought here. Why not pick a 'winner' here, when all is said and done, amongst the pitches that are within the purview of genres you rep, and let them get to send a partial? Just a thought of course.

Well, this seems like a silly pitch ;) Good question. I think instead of asking to see a winner I'm going to say that all of you are of course welcome to later query BookEnds if you think I'd be the right agent for your work. I chose not to do a contest because I really hate judging contests. Instead I want to give feedback to everyone, if possible, to help improve pitches. Those I remark on that I love and would ask for, I mean it. If you aren't already agented I'd love to see a partial based on your pitch. That doesn't mean I wouldn't want to see any of the other works, it just means you should work on your pitch first.

47. zany mom
Ethan Burke has it all--Adonis good looks, a promising career as a veterinary surgeon, a beautiful girlfriend, and a cocky arrogance that lands him a mistress--until a freak mountain biking accident shatters it all. Ethan must now come to terms with his physical limitations. His perspective on life gradually shifts when, in the hospital, he is befriended by an unlikely hero: a five-year-old boy with leukemia.

It sounds too internal to me, and not different enough. I like your first sentence a lot, but now we need to know more about the conflict besides his physical limitations. I also think we need to make sure we get a sense for Ethan. I would assume based on the first sentence that he’s a jerk, but what happens next? Does everything leave him (girlfriend included)? What is the real conflict in this story that makes it stand out from other similar tales (because there are other similar tales)? And what is the tone? Your opening makes it sound light and very genre or commercial, but the plot doesn’t seem to fit that. The plot sounds more serious. More like women’s fiction. I should get a sense of the tone through your pitch. Not easy, I know, but if your opening is great but doesn’t match the tone of the book, it’s not effective.

48. mrs. Revis
YA Fantasy, THE RED THREAD.
There is a perfect good reason for sixteen year old Chloe to be in the middle of the street, crying, and naked. You would be to if you (but not your clothes) were plopped into a world where monsters are real and indoor plumbing isn't.

The knight in shining armor Chloe thought would save her turns out to be a berserker who tends to go mad with bloodlust at the most inconvenient times. The knight, Heath, is on a quest to save a kidnapped princess and defeat an evil tyrant. After Chloe joins Heath, she learns that the enemy Heath is fighting is linked to her own brother. In THE RED THREAD, Chloe must figure out how she can save her brother, even if he doesn't want to be saved, and how far she is willing to go for the knight she's falling in love with...even if he doesn't love her back.

Too long and a little messy. It’s definitely a case of trying to be too clever and give too much information all at the same time. I’m not a big fan of pitches (or books) that talk to the reader. In other words, I don’t like the phrasing “there is a perfect(ly?) good reason . . .” I think I would like it better if it was something more along the lines of, "Sixteen-year-old Chloe felt no shame about standing in the middle of the street crying. Wouldn’t anyone who was plopped naked into a world where monsters are real and indoor plumbing isn’t? On the search to save a brother who doesn’t want to be saved, Chloe meets with a berserker who tends to go mad with bloodlust at the most inconvenient times and finds herself falling in love with a knight who is more focused on saving a kidnapped princess . . ." (you need one final closer here). And then I think you’ve got it. This one is close, very close, and I suspect any good YA agent would request at least a partial.

I feel like I’m winding down already and I hope it’s not showing in my critiques. Good work, as always. I’ll leave it here for the rest of the readers to give their two cents.

Jessica

Here we go again . . . critiques as per Perfecting Your Pitch.

37. mary jelinek
One sentence:
Benny Sherman helps a wayward fairy win back his wings and, in the process, finds his own.

Paragraph:
In the wake of his parents’ separation, Benny and his mother move from their comfortable suburban home to his Grandma’s overcrowded bungalow. To make matters worse, the sixth grader is forced to attend Catholic school where he’s sure to feel as out of place as he does stumbling through prayers at Christmas Mass. The last thing he needs is, “...to follow some imaginary creatures on a quest to find a fictitious amulet. Not even cool creatures, either. I get sissy fairies.”

LOL! The last line is great. Who can beat that? I think your one-sentence pitch is really good. It definitely grabs my attention and leads me to want more. I also think your paragraph is very strong. Terrific in fact. My only comment might be to limit the quote to, “Not even cool creatures, either. I get sissy fairies.” And explain in a tad more detail (in your own voice) what he’s being asked to do and why. Why is key, I think, because that shows us motivation. Very, very good though! This should definitely get you requests from agents and editors.

38. precie
Urban YA entitled "Tin Man":
A Philadelphia latch-key kid raised on a steady diet of 1980s movies and his mother's urban paranoia, 15-year-old Quentin sees danger everywhere. When his teenage neighbor, Claire, is taken by "the police," his gallantly absurd quest to rescue her evolves into a battle against dangers more powerful and sinister than he ever could have imagined.

Another terrific pitch. I think you all are getting better. My only concern is that there’s a bit of a "show, don’t tell" alert going on here. Make sure your pitch represents the tone of your book. This feels like someone else telling me about your book. What about making it more active? Something like, “Raised on a steady diet of 1980s movies and his mother’s urban paranoia, 15-year-old Quentin sees danger everywhere. When next-door neighbor Claire is taken by 'the police,' Quentin’s gallantly absurd quest to rescue her evolves into a battle against dangers more powerful and sinister than he could ever have imagined”? I think my changes are minor and subtle, but should give you an idea of what I mean by making your pitch more active and more exciting.

39. Julie
....To escape the tyranny of an English King and to fulfill her dying father's wishes for her to seek a free and independent life, Maura McCoveny would have to keep many secrets at a cost almost too high for her to bear....

Snooze. This doesn’t sound any different from any other historical novel I frequently see. This is much too general—focusing on things like freedom, independence, and a high cost. Almost every book should contain conflict that is of a high cost to the protagonist. What is specific about Maura’s battle that will inspire readers to come to it?

40. jamr
Kit Anderson (14) thinks she’s entered hell when her father’s new job forces a family move from plumeria-scented Honolulu to frigid Seoul in the winter of 1974. She decides to channel her energy into escaping Korea, whatever the cost.
This means living by a new set of operating principles such as “Everyone and everything can be used.” Kit’s selfish code of conduct leads her into black-marketing, theft and a life of deceit. It takes a tragic accident and a temporary return to Hawaii to discover that she’s become a person she doesn’t like and to realize that Korea offers adventures that her friends in Hawaii could never imagine.

Granted I don’t know the YA market all that well, but my immediate concern is the date. If your book doesn’t need to be set in 1974, why set it there? It’s not a time period that’s considered historical and not one I’m sure would be of interest to that age group. That in itself might give agents reason to reject unless you can prove a need for it. Overall though I think this is a fairly strong pitch; I’m not sure if I would ask to see more though. It sounds through the pitch like Kit’s a pretty unlikeable character.

41. c.j.
Sitting beside her mother’s deathbed, Annika is awakened to the fact that the man grieving beside her is not her real father. She leaves her family in Kiev and, with the help of long withheld information from this stepfather, retraces the short life of the father she never knew. FLAKES BLOOM follows Annika on her old Voskhod motorcycle as she travels past the government guards and into Pripyat, the now abandoned town once populated by the workers of the Chernobyl Power Plant.

It sounds to me like this is a beautifully written story. How can I tell that? The voice definitely comes through as well as the pace of the book. I think this is a strong pitch, although we still need to know a little more about the conflict Annika faces. A line at the end about what she must come up against once she arrives in Pripyat would be helpful.

42. trina allen
Katharine Taylor has never transmutated into an animal, a dragon or a mountain lion. She has never traveled to the past through her magic quilt, nor faced armies of insects and the evil wizard Dr. Ziegawart. All Katharine knows is an unhappy life with an alcoholic mother, but all that is about to change when she learns that she is a wizard and travels to a turbulent time in Boston just before the Revolutionary War. Caught up in the dramatic events that pit the King’s soldiers against their own people, Katharine finds in her new friends the strength to face her destiny.

I like the beginning a lot. I think the first three sentences are terrific. What a great Harry Potter-like book without going straight to telling us that. However, this is another case where the ending lost its fire. I guess I’m not sure I want to read about a wizard who ends up in Boston. Where’s the magic? Where’s the army of insects? The fun of a wizard book, or of any fantasy, is the fantasy. In your description of what’s actually going to happen you neglect to tell us about the fantasy. Since it seems your target is probably a younger audience, my question to you is would a 12-year-old (for example) be interested in reading about the “strength to face her destiny”? or are they more interested in reading about evil wizards and magic quilts? That’s what we want to hear about in the last sentences.



Good work as always. I think the pitches are getting stronger as I go, or I’m getting softer. . . .

Jessica

Okay. You've worn me down. Kim has been saying it for days and I think I have to listen to her. I'm no longer accepting new pitches. I will get through what I can get through while still thinking that I can fairly give a good critique. At this point though I've done more than 20 different posts on the subject (obviously you'll be reading my pitch critiques for quite some time) and I will finish up a few more, but I just don't think I'm going to be able to get to all of them. I apologize, but I don't think I have the energy to give a good, fair pitch to everyone and besides that I suspect you want to read more than just critiques.

Thank you so much to everyone who was brave enough to post those pitches and please, please continue to comment on them and help each other out. I think the discussions about my critiques as well as your own feedback are just as important as what I have to say. Besides, if I can hang in there and do 100+ critiques the least you can do is stick with me.

And because I could use something fun on this rainy day, here are some pitches I used when selling my own client's projects. Critique away...

#1: As a professional Human Resources and Career Strategy Consultant, Cynthia Shapiro knows the ins-and-outs of why and how companies hire, fire, promote and train their employees. In her revolutionary book Corporate Confidential, she’s uncovering key inside secrets of how major companies make decisions and what employees can do to achieve success, save their jobs and thrive in the corporate world. This is the only book that tells you exactly what your company doesn’t want you to know.

#2: After losing their friend, Celina, Elayne and Jasmine think the best way to grieve is by celebrating life and what better way to do that then a trip on the S.S. Fantasy--a cruise designed to make all of your fantasies come true.

#3: Fueled by intense grief over losing her firefighting brother to an apartment fire, arson investigator Maya Jackson impulsively sleeps with a stranger in a bar. Five years later, while investigating a Lake Tahoe wildfire, she comes face to face with her biggest mistake. Not only is Logan Cain the most explosive lover she’s ever had, he’s also the head of the Tahoe Pines Hotshot crew – and her lead suspect. Dangerously attracted to a woman who doesn’t trust him, Logan must find the real killer before the wildfire turns deadly.

#4: Anton Cheval is a powerful wizard and the first to recognize his connection to the ancient Chanku race. In a search to discover others like him--individuals with the genetic ability to shift from human to wolf—Anton meets Stefan Aragat, a man cursed to live as half man and half wolf and Alexandria Olanet, the one woman who has been able to give Stefan the love he seeks. Together Alexandria, Stefan and Anton, pack members, lovers, Chanku, set out on a quest to rescue more of their kind before it is too late, before those intent on their ultimate destruction discover the true heritage of the Chanku.

#5: Hooked on Murder is the first book in Betty Hechtman’s terrific new crochet mystery series.

Well have at them and enjoy!

Jessica

You haven’t broken me yet, but you’re getting there. Every time I think I can say I’m a third of the way through I find ten more have been added. At this rate . . . well. And here’s my requisite link to the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch.

31. Christine
Little Fish
Peter Dodge fell in love with a woman he was not sure even existed. Fifty years later she came back for him on a foggy cloud, leaving his aged body behind with a dagger in his heart. When Evie, the beautiful coroner, touches the dagger, she catches a glimpse of the watery world Peter's murderess came from, and the beings there could help her understand one of the town's long unsolved cases, if only she gives them the one thing they are fighting for, a child she'll lovingly call Little Fish.

The first line is really good and definitely grabbed me. After that though I was confused. Is the story about Peter Dodge or Evie? Is the conflict of the story Peter Dodge’s love and later death or is it Evie fighting for a child called Little Fish? I think you have some very intriguing elements here, but it feels like two different pitches. Would it be better to say something more like, “When Evie, a small-town coroner, touches the dagger in Peter Dodge’s chest she is somehow able to see the watery world Peter’s murderer came from, and the beings that help her understand one of the town’s long-unsolved cases. To do so she’ll have to give them (who them?) the one thing they are fighting for, a child she lovingly calls Little Fish . . .”? I think it needs one more line about Little Fish and why she’s so important. Otherwise, you’re right on the verge of a fantastic pitch.

32. anon 11:41
Tillie Russell, an acclaimed entrepreneur who became a household name in the late 90’s by designing pet products, suddenly found herself in the doghouse. In an aggressive interview on a nationally televised talk show, Tillie is bombarded with allegations of animal abuse. Although the implications proved to be completely false, it didn’t deter stores from yanking her products off the shelves, costing the young company over one hundred thousand dollars. The financial debacle resulted in the loss of the company and almost devoured Tillie’s eleven-year marriage. Proving that life could go on, one year later, Tillie becomes pregnant and dreams up a new business with a very unconventional business plan. She enlists ten mothers to join in the new venture she ambitiously names Ten Moms and Counting. Their product? Themselves.

The opening sounds like backstory to me. While cleverly written, it’s not all that exciting and doesn’t sound like it pertains to the story you are trying to sell. What does sound interesting is the Ten Moms and Counting venture. I imagine that’s what the book is really about. So, shouldn’t your pitch say something more along the lines of, “When Tillie Russell decides to look for a new career it’s far from her previous life as an acclaimed designer of pet products. Pregnant and out of work, Tillie comes up with Ten Moms and Counting, a company sure to raise a few eyebrows . . .”? We’ll need to know more specifically now what the company is and what kind of problems it causes.

33. Joan
Athena Solomon is a cemetery director who witnesses burials every day, visits graveyards on vacations, and peruses the internet for locations of famous graves. After her father dies, Athena’s grief is interrupted when she learns about her mother’s long-term love affair and family’s connection to the Jewish Mafia. She unearths the truth about her parentage and suspects that by guarding the past, her mother believed she was protecting her children. Athena then shifts a selfish quest for knowledge into a mission to heal her mother’s soul.

Interesting, but another situation where I don’t see how the first sentence connects with the last part of your pitch. What I thought when I read the first sentence is that I was going to be pitched a new take on a thriller or mystery, but then I realized this is probably women’s fiction. A good pitch means that the reader usually knows not just what the story is about, but also the genre without being told. I think your pitch is actually more detail about Athena’s mission to heal her mother’s soul.

34. Mary
Marian lives a content life – at least while Father is away – she enjoys the herbalism training from her mother, and has a good friend in the village recluse. But after her village is destroyed, she lashes out at those responsible in a magic she didn't know she had. Girls born with magic are sentenced to death. Marian would know, she helped birth one recently, and her heart broke watching the Enchanter take it away. She doesn't know who she can trust or how she can learn to control her new skills without revealing herself to the Enchanters Guild.

There’s something missing here. I think that it’s another case of trying to squeeze in too much information. Do we need to have the first sentence? Would it be better to get straight to the point? The point/conflict seems to be that Marian is now forced to learn to control her magic without letting anyone know. My question to you though is how is this different? What makes this special from other books where someone must learn to control magic? It seems like a common theme and plot. We need to know what makes Marian’s plight unique and intriguing and different from all the others.

35. dwight’s writing manifesto
Over 350 living Americans have floated weightless in Outer Space, but less than two dozen men and women have crawled along the muddy bottom of the Mississippi River at its most treacherous depths. DIVER DOWN chronicles the life of Evan, a river construction diver, as he finds himself navigating even more treacherous chasms of the heart.

I love this. The tone, the voice, the comparison to Outer Space. I think this is an incredibly strong pitch (and I’m not just saying that because your picture scares me), until the end. The ending seems like a downer to me, and what I mean by downer is disappointment. I would assume from your opening that things are going to be happening on the bottom of the Mississippi, but from the last line it sounds like it’s a love story. If he’s battling more than possible heartache I wouldn’t request more; if you have something bigger for him, you’re in. In other words, you have a great setup, but slow follow-through.

36. karen duvall
Chalice has a unique gift of sight, sound and scent, which makes her the perfect thief. But not by choice. She's forced to steal charmed and cursed objects for a secret society of magicians, her bond to their gargoyle guaranteeing her complicity. If she doesn't steal for them, she'll turn into a bat-winged atrocity just like the thing she's bonded to. If Chalice can kill her gargoyle, she'll be free. But how do you kill an immortal creature? To learn the answer she must gain wisdom from the remains of a prophetic saint, fall in love with a thousand year-old Turkish warrior from the Crusades, befriend an elf who owns a coffee shop that caters to the people of faery, and find her fallen angel father.

Uff da. A lot going on here and very confusing. I think this is the hardest thing about complicated plots, it’s hard to tell what’s important and what’s not. Even I have that trouble when pitching to editors. It can also be a sign that maybe the book itself is confusing or not tight enough. You need to ask yourself what’s the point? What’s the conflict? It seems to me that Chalice’s biggest conflict is that she must kill a gargoyle to gain freedom and to do that she must....” It still seems like a lot though and I’m not sure any of it feels really exciting. I guess the question is what is the real journey? What is the real issue for Chalice?

And that’s it for today. Great work again. I’m off to continue my critiques. I do think I have fewer than 100 left.

Jessica

I’m baaack. How do you find an original introduction to all of these pitch critiques? You don’t. What I can tell you is that I’m learning how really hard it is to write a good pitch. The funny thing though is that when I look at most of the initial query letters made by the authors I represent, they all had pretty good pitches. In many cases I used those pitches as my own to publishers. This is why agents feel they can judge a book by its pitch. If the pitch has it all there, it’s likely the book does too. Just something to get you thinking. And here’s my requisite link to the original post, Perfecting Your Pitch).

25. jenny
ONE HIGHLAND NIGHT (time-travel romance):

When a meteoritic crystal opens a wormhole on the grounds of ruined Kilchurn Castle in the Scottish Highlands, trapping American physicist Elizabeth Martin over 300 years in the past, her cheating ex-fiancé becomes the least of her worries. Pursued by the politically avaricious Earl of Breadalbane, who wants to use her “Sight” to further his consolidation of power, her only choice is to take refuge with an outlaw clan—a temporary measure until she can find a way to return to her own time.

That’s the plan, at least, until she finds in Alec MacGregor, her handsome protector, a love worth giving up everything she’s ever known.

But it is the late seventeenth century, and while Scotland is torn by the power struggles between supporters of the exiled King James and the English who would seek to rule them, she and Alec are swept into the intrigues of Earls and Kings, and events that could take their lives...or separate them forever.

You do realize this is a pitch contest and not a synopsis contest, right? Way, way too long! And I haven’t even read it yet. The funny thing is that I really know nothing about your book. Do we really need to know how she ended up in the past? Probably not in quite that way. For some reason the fact that it was a meteoritic crystal and wormhole confused me because really this isn’t SF or Fantasy, it’s a fairly straightforward time travel/historical. And of course I’m easily confused. Why not just say, "When a meteorite hits the ruins of Kilchurn Castle, physicist Elizabeth Martin finds herself propelled 300 years in the past"? That’s simpler and helps you get to the point faster. Now, what’s the real conflict? What’s really going to make the reader grab this and read? "Forced to take refuge from a ruthless Earl, Elizabeth..."? I think you can easily get this into just a few short sentences.

26. anon 11:04
(Title) is a portal between the two worlds of mortal Glastonbury Proper and the magical world including the dark and mysterious Wysiwyg Wood (where what you see is what you get). The wood is full of magic, the truths of many legends held within its boundaries. Lionel and Eaglantine Griffin are the gatekeepers of the lake, who have great responsibility in keeping the Seeker of Justice and Retribution, Stormy Reed, safe from the evil Nefarious Nobleman. Stormy Reed is unaware of his magical beginnings or his mystical destiny, and in his dawning of discovery, he finds his world exploding with possibilities he is eager to explore.

Who is your protagonist and what is his challenge? Is it Stormy Read or Lionel and Eaglantine? In reading your pitch I know nothing about the story. I know about the setting and I know about the characters, but I don’t know what is going to be happening, and a pitch should really be about what’s happening. I think the pitch is probably the “possibilities he is eager to explore” as well as “his dawning discovery.”

27. wanda b. ontheshelves
Even in an Arctic ice palace, the initials "SC" in the center of a floor mural might not stand for Santa Claus. So Cassie Novotny, a 28-year-old architect turned wedding cake designer, learns upon encountering Sonya Chloe, a 270-year-old "Mother Frost," at Palais du Nord.

You know, your name alone might be enough to make me request the proposal. Very clever. Unfortunately, name alone doesn’t sell a book (unless of course your name is Seinfeld). So here we go . . . I have no idea what this is about. What is a cake designer doing in the Arctic? And who is Sonya Chloe and what does she have to do with anything? In other words, this pitch tells me nothing. Unless Santa Claus is in the story I wouldn’t bother including him at all. You need to get right to the plot and, of course, conflict.

28. april
(one sentence) Emma Grey and her mother Sylvia must take a chance on love to prevent the past from destroying their future.

(four sentences)Hearts are fragile things and in constant danger. Emma Grey is a ninteen year old dancer with a promising future. Her mother Sylvia is a woman who closed her heart to love after her husband left. When he returns, Emma and Sylvia learn that love is tough, but it may be worth the effort it takes to bring their family back together.

I think your one-sentence pitch is actually stronger than your four-sentence pitch. The problem with both though is that I want to know how their future could be destroyed. Why not make your entire pitch something more like, “Emma Grey and her mother Sylvia must take a chance on love to prevent the past from destroying their future. After ten long years Emma’s father finally returns home, but now he has a secret, a secret that could destroy them all unless Emma and Sylvia can learn to trust again”? Of course I have no idea if that has anything to do with the story, but I think it might give you an idea of what I mean. The true pitch here is the destroying-the-future part. Oh, and I would include more details than I did. Don’t try to be clever and vague. Is the secret that they are all really aliens? Or that they’re living on stolen money? Is it that they are in witness protection? Specifics make a stronger pitch.

29. erik
When you are 3 1/4 inches tall and thoughtless humans destroy your home, you want revenge. One Hopneg's journey in search of payback brings him something bigger, yet smaller. "Downriver" was written for teens but speaks to everyone who wants to be able to see those things we usually can't.

I need to know a little more about the journey. That’s your hook. This little creature in a big world. What is he doing for revenge? What does he face? As part of your pitch I don’t think you need to say who the book is for.

30. anon 11:31
Sara Garcia is a self-employed Dallas auditor, happiest working with spreadsheets, her laptop, and rows and columns of figures. But when her lifelong friend calls in a favor, Sara finds that in order to avoid killing a life-long friendship she could end up dead herself.

I think your opening sentence is great. Nothing revolutionary, but it gives us a really good idea of your character. Now I would assume that your second sentence is going to describe a situation that is totally the opposite of someone who is happiest working with spreadsheets. Therefore I think it could be stronger. “So when Sara finds herself tripping over a dead body, she knows the only way to get back to her spreadsheets is to find the murderer.” Okay, that’s boring too, but I think you know what I mean. What’s exciting? Here’s a sample pitch I made recently for a new mystery series. Okay, to be honest I stole this from the author, but here we go: “Tessa Silver believes she’s buried her past by changing her name and leaving behind a career in high tech to become a glass bead maker. She cannot shake her history so easily, however, and it leads the police straight to her when a competing glassworker is found dead with a copy of one of Tessa’s signature beads in her pocket. Tessa is determined to solve the mystery of the woman’s murder before police scrutiny forces her to reinvent herself yet again.”

And that’s it for today. Great work again. I’m off to continue my critiques. Still about a billion left to go.

Jessica

I’m going with this until I finish the critiques. Which, at this rate, could be well into 2008. What does that mean? That means if you want to add your pitch, go ahead and add your pitch (in the original post, please: October 25 workshop on Perfecting Your Pitch). I’ll let you know when it’s time to stop.

19. abi
(Title) blends the quirkiness of small town life with that of a magical world, and is vividly depicted, just as those authored by J. K. Rowling, Christopher Paolini, and J. R. R. Tolkien. Reading (Title) will take you on a journey that will have you laughing and crying, coming and going, and always wanting more. You will feel as though you are a part of the story, and not just the reader. Smell the aromas and satisfy your taste buds by sampling the recipes scattered throughout the book.

This is another case of show don’t tell. Remember, a pitch is not a book report, it’s a pitch, which means that in addition to telling the reader about your story you want to give her a sense of atmosphere, voice, and tone. This would be so much stronger if you did something more along the lines of, “In the vein of J. K. Rowling, Christopher Paolini, and J. R. R. Tolkien, (Title) introduces you to Frank, a magical child who finds himself...” What you have here is a sense of what you’re doing for the reader, which tells me nothing about the book. Think of it this way: if someone came up to you and said you have to read this book, it will make you feel as if you are a part of the story, would that make you buy it? Doubtful. Any good book should do that. Any good book should make the reader lose herself and smell the aromas, etc. What you need to do is tell us about plot and conflict.

20. anon 10:26
When sixteen-year-old Marta Carlitos experiences a terrible car accident that leaves her in a coma, she finds herself trapped outside her physical body and tethered to her bed-bound form by a damaged spectral cord. Sentenced to float above her body --- and able to see and hear everything but not communicate with the physical world --- she befriends three other souls trapped outside their comatose bodies.

Soon, Marta realizes she must solve the puzzle of healing their frayed cords in order to enable herself and her friends to rejoin their bodies and the physical world. But when one of her “friends’ tries to thwart her plans in order to keep her with him and away from the world, Marta realizes it’s going to take all her power to heal herself before her parents decide to pull the plug.

First, let me say, this is kind of weird. Weird good though. I think you have a really cool idea. However, my first reaction to your pitch is that it’s too long. You definitely have something there and it’s something that would make me seriously consider asking for more, but you miss the point by trying to reveal too much. Could you cut it down to this: “When sixteen-year-old Marta Carlitos experiences a terrible car accident that leaves her in a coma, she finds herself trapped outside her physical body and tethered to her bed-bound form by a damaged spectral cord. Sentenced to float above her body --- and able to see and hear everything but not communicate with the physical world --- she befriends three other souls trapped outside their comatose bodies. In order to return to the physical world it’s up to Marta to heal their frayed cords, but what will happen when not everyone wants to be healed?” I think my version is a little better, but I still feel like it’s missing something. The last sentence should really be what happens if... What’s the ticking time bomb. What is Marta up against? What really happens on a grand scale if they don’t get healed, and I think it has to be more than Marta’s death. I imagine you have something bigger in the book, a larger conflict, and that needs to be added in here.

21. anon 10:32
There are pleasant ways to die and dreadful ways to die. But dying of insomnia? Now that would suck.

What fun! This made me laugh and made me want more. This is enough to hook me in, but now, ideally, in a query letter you would have a paragraph that’s just as brilliantly written that would tell me exactly what the book is about, because what you have here is a tagline, not a pitch. It’s enough to grab someone’s attention, but not enough to get them to buy a book.

22. jodi
Think the Bourne Identity meets Kill Bill in Singapore.

The problem here . . . I’ve never read a Bourne book, and since I’m not much of a movie watcher (note to everyone submitting to me) I’ve never seen either of these movies. So basically, this is lost on me. However, even if I had seen these movies I still need more. This is a tagline, but not a pitch. To give you an example or how to pitch by comparing your book, here’s the tagline I wrote for Karen MacInerney’s Howling at the Moon: Tales of an Urban Werewolf: "Charlaine Harris meets Mary Janice Davidson in this series featuring Sophie Garou, a twenty-eight-year-old whose life is just about perfect—except for one minor detail . . . she's also a werewolf." Again, I also have a paragraph that followed, but this is enough of a tagline to grab the editor’s attention and actually give her some of the book’s details. You now know how it’s like the two books I’m comparing it to.

23. lauren j
In 1999, Lainie Walter sets off on a journey to find her roots in Poland. Although she planned to travel alone, her friend, Josh Stiller, tagged along at the last minute. Here, in a world that she doesn’t fully comprehend, Lainie sees ghosts. One ghost in particular haunts her journey, the ghost of her great aunt Sura. In New York, Lainie had not known of Sura’s existence. Now, she learns of Sura’s life, marriage, children and death. This takes on huge importance, as Sura needs Lainie’s help to locate her daughter. As Lainie tries to sort all this out, Stiller blurts out that he came along because he’s in love with her and wants a chance at a relationship. Against this foreign backdrop, Lainie must try and find Sura’s daughter and decide whether she is ready to commit to love.

Well, I know what the conflict is, but the problem is that I’m not at all inspired by it. It seems to be that you’re trying to throw everything into this pitch and forgetting the most exciting part—the pitch. What about something like this, “In search of her roots in Poland, Lainie Walter finds more than just the stories of the past, she actually meets the ghosts. But it’s that of her great grandmother that haunts her most. Sura needs Lainie’s help in finding her daughter....”? And now I need to know why. Why is it so important that Sura find her daughter and what impact does that have on Lainie? That’s your conflict. As you have it written now it’s a very staid story of a search and love, but nothing really out of the ordinary. I see nothing wrong with mentioning Stiller’s love for Lainie, but it seems to me that’s your secondary storyline, unless I’m reading this wrong.

24. l.e. Hollis
My fantasy novel is about two young sisters trying to rescue their family from the Inquisition in a world of alchemy and witchcraft. One sister is turned into a dragon to be used as a weapon of the Church, but she breaks free of their control. The other has an inquisitor who betrayed the Church trapped in her mind, granting her his skills as a champion fencer.

Show, don’t tell. This pitch is a snooze. It reads like a third-grade book report. You have some really great ideas, but none of them come through here. How about something along the lines of, “In a world of alchemy and witchcraft, it’s up to two young girls to save their family from the Inquisition. When Sally is turned into a dragon and used as a weapon of the Church, June knows she must . . .”? As the pitch reads it sounds awfully depressing. You’re not telling me the conflict these characters face (or even any indication of who they are); instead it seems you are telling me the outcome.

And that’s it for today. Great work again. I’m off to continue my critiques. Only about a billion left to go.

Jessica