John Wayne. Steve McQueen. Clint Eastwood. What do they all have in common? They’re all dead, except for Eastwood. What else do they have in common? They’re all film icons, except for Wayne, and arguably McQueen. Anything else in common? They’re all indisputable men’s men. The kind of men that boys want to become and girls want to become impregnated by.
How can you become a man’s man? The truth is, that’s an inane question, like asking how you can become a Korean-American. Men’s men are a breed, and you’re either born one or you’re not. Most of us are not.
But this doesn’t mean you can’t fool some unsuspecting girl into thinking you are. After all, you could probably trick some girl into thinking you’re Korean-American. Sure, you’d just have to blast obscene gangster rap from your souped-up Escalade, wrestle for years with a hopeless crush on a middle-aged Applebee’s waitress, and enroll in a two-year theatre program at the local community college. But I don’t mean to perpetuate crude stereotypes.
So follow these easy tips and you’ll seem sort of like a McQueen or a Wayne before you know it. Like a man’s man, I mean. Not dead.
Gain Fifteen Pounds of Fat
Because there’s no such thing as a fat homosexual.
When girls see your new gut, they’ll figure you got it from throwing back brewskies with the guys while watching a pay-per-view UFC match. They’ll see it as a sign of a man who lets no health or beauty concerns get in the way of his rugged lifestyle. They’ll have no idea that you painstakingly added those fifteen pounds by consuming an entire jar of Muscle Milk while watching a twelve-hour Project Runway marathon on Lifetime.
Girls don’t find it sexy when a guy is fat, necessarily, but they do find it sexy when a guy is comfortable with himself. And when they see your potbelly peeking out from behind your now undersized tee-shirt—and you should make sure to wear clothing that highlights your new curves—they’ll see you as a guy who’s comfortable in his own shoes, and they’ll want a slice. They’ll have no idea what a little overanxious, self-loathing mess you are.
Fart in Front of Women
This seems like bad advice, I know. The kind of prank advice a straight man would receive at the beginning of a sitcom, only to have it all blow up hilariously in his face at the end of the episode. I mean, you don’t even like it when you fart just in front of yourself, so why the hell would girls like it if you farted in front of them?
Because it makes you seem like you don’t give a shit what they think about you. And really, that’s what girls want. They want a man who’s so satisfied with himself as a person that he won’t do anything—not even hold in a fart—to disrupt his natural state. “Did you hear that, Sally?” a girl will ask her friend. “That boy just farted. I think I’ll go ask him out on a date.”
And a technical note—make sure it’s a loud, purposeful, assertive fart. Because if it’s a silent one, you won’t seem like a rugged man’s man, you’ll just seem sad and disgusting. And don’t fart too often, for Christ’s sake, or they’ll think you have a stomach condition.
Tap Other Guys’ Privates in Front of Women
Again, this seems like terrible advice. But playfully touching other men’s genitals when girls are around is actually a great way to firmly establish your heterosexuality.
“Sally, did you see him touch that other boy’s penis like that?” the same girl will ask her friend. “God, he must be so secure with his sexuality. I reckon I could use a man like that. I bet he’s an absolute wizard in the bedroom.” Little does she know, you’re terrified of sex, and each tap of another guy’s junk sends waves of nausea and sexual confusion up your trembling spine.
Give Yourself a Nickname
Practically all men’s men have nicknames. John Wayne was “The Duke,” Steve McQueen was “Bandito,” Walt Whitman was the “Good Gray Poet.”
So pick a nickname for yourself, preferably something that evokes the sort of manliness you’re trying to seem to embody. Something like “The Virile Masculine Guy,” or “The Male Man,” or, perhaps less heavy-handedly, “Rod.”
And because you don’t want to be seen as a guy who has to give himself a nickname, you should try to make it seem as if the whole thing was someone else’s idea. So have a friend call you by the desired nickname in front of the girl you’re trying to impress, and pretend to resist it. “Come on, I’m not that virile,” you’ll protest disingenuously, “but I guess you and everyone else can keep calling me that if you really want to.”
And if you don’t have any friends to help you out, you can just create a fake Facebook account and use it to write on your own wall things like, “yo virile boy, sick party last nite. you were so virile, it like blew my mind. from, your korean-american buddy, gregory lin.” No girl would suspect that you and Gregory Lin were in fact one and the same. No girl would suspect that a person could be so pitiful as to create a Facebook account just to write on his own wall.
Surround Yourself with Guys Who Are Less Manly Than You
Now this might be difficult. You may have to search far and wide, checking every orphanage for malnourished preteens and every Urban Outfitters for metrosexuals within a fifty-mile radius.
But once you manage to collect a formidable crew of sissies, you’ll seem to an uninformed outsider, for the first time in your life, like an alpha male, a real masculine presence, a man’s man.
Of course, this method has its downsides. In order to contrast yourself with Urban Outfitters metrosexuals, you’ll need to spend lots of time with them, which might not be so much fun for you. And once out of the orphanage, your malnourished preteens will start to eat more food and better food, and they will soon surpass you in strength and masculinity. But this is only a temporary problem, because there are always more orphanages, and, thank God, always more malnourished preteens.
So get to it, Rod. Girls fell in love with the characters Steve McQueen played onscreen, and now it’s your turn to make them fall in love with the character you’re playing in life, in your most challenging role yet—that of a real man.
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