How to use this Page

Oh wow. That's hilarious!

Ha! That's hilarious! :) Thanks for the evening laugh.

Kristin, you could use these stickers on your contracts maybe?

Emily

Careful...

That is awesome.

There are just waaaayy too many things that stamp could be good for lol!!!

Awesome! LOL

I think I could use that stamp when I'm editing my own manuscripts.

Wagging Tales

Love it. I've got a stamp that says 'staple this to your face', which is a tad too aggressive to use. Well, more than once a week.

Haha! I love it.

I need one of those at work.... I'd use it every day. Every hour, even...

Teaching an on-line class the tool I use the most is "Let Me Google That For You".

http://lmgtfy.com/

I want.

I could use that for my first drafts...

OMG, I totally need one of those for hard copy edits.

Too funny. Kinda sad, but definitely funny.

The main drawback of electronic queries is that your heart gets broken quickly ...and often.

I'm not speaking in specific terms now, nor am I relating this to my own personal experiences. But something like this could come in handy for authors when they get edits back, too.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot indeed!

Ha ha, love it.

Ha! I'd love to have one of those.

You know that the pdf X-Change viewer can do stamps, even in the free version, right? ;-)

That. Is. Epic.

I want it :D I shall stamp it on people's foreheads when they do stuff.

nice post

Great job.. well done!!!

!!!

If I had been drinking coffee, it would have just come out my nose.

That's hilarious!

Kristin, if you like that kind of humor, you should see the movie GNOMEO & JULIET (if you haven't already). Juliet's father makes word mistakes like that through the whole movie. Hilarious. :D

My suggested reply:

Well, Pat. That depends...

LOL well played @MacEvoy DeMarest.

Ahh, the vagaries of word choice!

Hmmm. I hope a contractor can fix my plumbing works when I get a little older.

*after-laugh-sigh* I hope so too!

Hearing that a MG novel ended up a major deal makes me very, very happy. Congrats to Sara and her author!

Awesome week! Love the photo!! :-)

Stefan Bachmann seems super nice, and I love the name of his book and his blog (Scathing Jellyfish--that is a cool blog title). Congratulations to everyone involved!

THE PECULIAR sounds awesome. So excited that it's middle grade. Congrats to Sara!

I need some help. I've just written a book for the first time and am soon going to re-read it, make some edits, and put it in manuscript form. My problem is that I don't know what to do after that. I've read that I need to get an offer from the publisher before I can get an agent but I've also read that without an agent a publisher won't accept my book (I've also read up on getting reputable and competent agents and from what I've seen, you seem to fit both categories).

So do I finish my manuscript and then send a query to a publisher, or to an agent?

Nothing says "I'm a country girl" like a cammo pinafore, and the baby ducks "that I'mma gonna shoot wif dis here gun soon's mah daddeh teaches me how ta shoot 'er!"

Love the photo.
The gun, the smile, the innocence, the ducklings!

Where did you get that adorable photo of yound Sarah Palin? ;)

Still very cool even if the contestants didn't get it right!

I think it was Reese Witherspoon who said she knew she'd made it when she was a Jeopardy question. Go Jamie!

You've definitely "made it" when you're a Jeopardy answer. Congratulations, Jamie!!

The ultimate sign you have arrived! Congrats!

I've also seen HOTEL on a recent iPhone ad. The disembodied hand is scrolling through a list of iPhone-recommended e-books, and it stops for half a second on the cover of HOTEL ON THE CORNER OF BITTER AND SWEET!

Awesome. Glad you're back!

Oh I know the answer! It's sweet! Sweet!

Seriously, that's awesome. Congrats to you and Jaime. :D

That's got to be on an author's bucket list. I also would have been shouting at my television "sweet! sweet!" if I'd been watching that episode.

Now he can say when people ask if they would know his work, "Well, you may know me from a little show called Jeopardy".

I watched that episode. I'm not sure what it says about me that I knew the answer and just watched dumbfounded as not one contestant buzzed in with the correct word.

I definitely think it's a milestone if you make it on Jeopardy.

How exciting to be a Jeopardy question! I would have answered if I had been watching. Yeah Jamie!!

Oh, oh! I know this one, Mr. Trebek. What is "sweet"?

Congratulations! :)

P.S. Glad that you're back and doing well, Kristin. We definitely missed you around the blogosphere. :)

Aww! Really? It seems to me like "sweet" would be a pretty safe guess, even if one hadn't heard of the book.

Welcome back.

You are now the reason I have stopped editing and have jumped over to YouTube to watch SNL clips of Jeopardy. Thanks, Kristin. Thanks a whole bunch.

So glad you're back!

Sweet!

Sweet. That you made it on Jeopardy that is. :)

OMG! Getting on Jeopardy--one way or the other--is on my bucket list. How stinking cool!!!! Sooo jealous.

Glad you're back:-)

That is definitely cool to be a Jeopardy question but also cool because someone like me would want to go check out the book after seeing it was trivia-worthy. And there may have been plenty other viewers with the same thought.

Even if the contestants had never heard of the book, surely the missing word would have been an easy guess.

I saw that! And I shouted the answer in triumph. :D

How cool is this! I read the book last week, too.
--SueBE

Watson would have gotten it.

so very cool!

Nice. But NONE of them got it? What else would it be: Main? Broadway? Almonds?

Funny to notice - most all of NLA's clients are female. Here, let me pitch a story: Once upon a time, someone sued NLA for discrimination. They declined valid work that matched to a tee what they were looking for because the author was male. I would read that.

I hope everything is okay and resolves itself to you satisfaction.

Loved this!
Well wishes for your visit.
=)

Fantastic video. Thanks for posting that! )

I hope everything goes well, Kristin. Thank you for posting the video. I loved it! :)

"Did you know sharks can live outside the water for five years." I learn something new everyday :) Thanks for sharing.

Good luck with your medical leave :)

Sending best wishes your way, Kristin -- hope all is well.

Sending thoughts and well-wishes your way. I bet Chutney will a great little helper! My little Pelu always knows when something's a bit off and is happy to provide extra wagging and kisses just when I need it. :)

Sending good thoughts your way, along with the hope that everything resolves itself to your satisfaction

I hope all is well. This video was so entertaining.

I hope you're ok and feeling top-notch again soon! (Or, if it's a loved one instead of you needing medical attention, that they are feeling top-notch again soon.)

hope everything is okay for you.
everyday have great day.

Hope you feel better soon.

That was awesome. Thank you for sharing. Hope each day is maxed out with what you need, whether it's rest or fun.

It's no wonder she couldn't go, with all those guys watching her.

I love Southwest too. I was recently travelling solo with my two very small munchkins, and our pilot (pilot!) ran us across the airport to help us find our connecting flight.

I love it where there is a good thing to say about the airlines.


Pen and Ink has a guest poster from the Vermont College of Fine Arts.
Today’s guest blogger is Sherry Shahan who talks about writing in the negative space. (Now I want to read her book.) Come visit. http://thepenandinkblog.blogspot.com

Glad to hear they are so good to their canine flyers too! I have three little ones that I travel with too.

www.lesliedeaton.blogspot.com

I can't go when guys watch me either. God bless them for trying.

Haha that is so funny and cute! Love it!

I remember when pilots would let kids into the cockpit and show them around.

(sigh)

Glad that they could make the best of a less-than-ideal situation!

My first thought was, I hope Brian and Chutney weren't separated for the entire five hours. But then you said Southwest, and I knew it wasn't that bad. I believe the airline is employee-owned. Seems to make a difference.

A few months ago I had to give up my 12 yr old westie after my husband passed away. That was sad enough, but I was stuck in Europe and my dog...my furr kid...was going to live in Texas with a friend. I sent Hamish on Lufthansa from Budapest via Frankfurt where he had to remain overnight. I chewed my nails to the quick. Then a surprise: I started getting emails. "We are taking good care of your baby. Another: He ate this much. Another: Your baby went potty. Another: Your baby gets regular walks and eats out of our hand, etc. I wept through each email. Kudos to Lufthansa as well!

I became fixated on the word "rain". What is that? I bet it's fabulous - send some this way. Fly Southwest to Texas and fry, fry, fry. I enjoy your blog a lot and have been a steady reader. Thank you for pub advice and laughs.

It could have been worse. At least
Chutney avoided the TSA agents.

I will agree with you. Southwest is one of the best airlines when it comes to customer service!

I love Southwest. They go above and beyond. I cringe at flying into cities that aren't serviced by Southwest.

As a pet owner, this is why I don't fly anymore unless it's absolutely necessary.

But good for them for taking the time to care that much. (And good for Brian for watching and taking photos.)

Southwest is always my airline of choice.

Having a great dog myself (a puppy at the moment) who is trying to potty train, I can just imagine the scene! Thanks for sharing.

Dang, it ends without the punchline.

She was fabulous! Thanks for sharing that today, it was great! Thanks to your mom, too.

Thanks it was really funny.

That is cool! The downunder mob is awesome!

This is fabulous. I draw so much inspiration from musical theater - the raw drama, ripping back the veils of life - and it's always lovely to see it go both ways.

I am looking forward in seeing the full production of La Creole. I hope someone backs the Composers and Cheryl to get it up and running and on stage.

That is one thing I'd never thought of novels being adapted into. It's really cool and I wish I lived Down Under to enjoy it.

Hi there! I like your blog, and am embarrassingly happy to see that you are a Midwesterner as well--I'm originally from Lawrence, KS. :)

I'm in a quandary and can't seem to find the answer online so I would really appreciate your advice, if you have the time.

I am working on a book of dark, strange fairytales, which are mostly about young women finding their autonomy (and the first one to be really, truly finished is currently shortlisted for an international award! yippee!) but here's the thing. I really want to publish these with illustrations, and I'd like to choose the artists to collaborate with. I really love Vania Zouravliov and Walton Ford, for example, and I've been making a list of some other artists to contact from the wonderful blog FFFound.

Do you think it would be unwise to crowdfund the first edition with my chosen illustrations and then try to get an agent and everything afterwards? I'm concerned about self publishing, but I don't see any other way--pretty sure that if anyone even picked me up in the first place, they would say illustrations are too expensive. :/

Thanks so much for your help!

Hi Kristin,

I wrote the video and i just wanted to thank you for posting it. I've been a longtime reader of your blog, and so I got a big kick to see it posted here.

Thanks and have a good weekend.

David Kazzie

That was fantastic! Especially loved the part about wanting to direct the movie version!! Thanks for sharing.

I love this video. It cracks me up every single time. :)

I love this video. Hilarious.
But on another note...I didn't know you could GET Eggnog Chai! No one told me. Two of my most favoritist flavors all in one drink *sigh*

Fantastic. I want to send this to every moron who has ever "written a book." You know, before they spend money self-publishing without even having another soul look at the thing and then call Barnes and Noble to schedule their book signings.

there's another side of course

http://mywriterbloggywoggy.blogspot.com/2010/10/agent-follow-my-guide-lies.html

LOL> Thank you for this laugh, it was fun. Now, would you like to look at my manuscript?

"For the love of all that is holy, WHY?"

LOL, great video :)

Eggnog chai? 0.0 Want! Want bad!

I bet I could make egg nog... chai, however, might be a little bit harder to come by.

LOL! Kristin, I would to know how many of these types you come across in a given year. Good stuff - thanks for the laugh!

You know, there's more truth to this video on how people think than I care to imagine.

Yikes!

LOL. I saw this a couple weeks ago, and it's still funny now! "I saw all the Harry Potter movies!" Yes, that's the only requirement for being a bestselling author...

I bet agents get phone calls from people like that every day.

Vy the way, do you actually have a pitchform, stake, or both mounted in your office for emergencies?

Good heavens. Next time I walk into door or lock myself out of the house, I think I'm going to let myself off easy. Apparently I'm higher up the functioning scale than I thought!

Somewhere in this story lies a joke about the evils of Amazon, I'm sure. This never would have happened at his local indie bookstore, etc!

Just Monday and Tuesday? Are they coming in Wednesday?

Thank you for that. I needed a laugh.

HA! I actually live in Hudson and my husband and I look forward to the Hub just to check out the police blotter. Our favorite so far? A woman called the police when she saw a spider on her dashboard. The officer had to search her car for the spider because she wouldn't get back in and was causing a traffic jam.

I wonder if the police will come and kill the spiders in my corners. I hate them.

Funny! I'd love them to actually deliver my packages instead of me having to chase them down! But that's another story!

Too funny!

Poor man. He was having an off day.

I live in Hudson and laughed when I read that in the police blotter of the Hub Times. But you should have read the one about the lady who called 911 because there was a spider in her car :)

Just a rant...and perhaps a bit of hope to my fellow writers.

I sold two novels to a publishing house not long ago. Without an agent. Why didn't I have an agent? Because my 100 plus queries had been rejected. Sometimes more than once.

Why did the publishing house contact me? Because I self-published and sold a lot of books. Because of the number of five star reviews.

Am I a good writer? I don't know. I do know that each book I write feels better to me. The editor who went over my novel was excellent. I learned a little bit more on how to write just from reading his edits.

The Acquisitions Editor said advance sales are meeting their projections. B&N is going to do a promotion. Airports are ordering it. It sounds good. You know what? I still can't get an agent.

Why is that? I have a few ideas. No, not tinfoil conspiracy ones. It's okay. I sent my contracts to the Authors Guild. I'm a member now.

I have been told repeatedly that fiction won't sell. One agent told me to write nonfiction instead. It gets discouraging. You know that. It is possible to get published. Hell, if I can you can.

I just sent in my submission to an agent for a memoir on male stripping. I have quite a few readers myself, so I'll see if things pan out like you say, Nova.

Yes! There needs to be more inter-planetary cultural awareness.

Perhaps Denver is taking the term illegal alien a bit too literally.

I wonder what this committee would do read more sci fi?

That's AMAZING. Cultural awareness for extraterrestrials! The props in California look bland and boring in comparison.

A couple of months ago, I struck up a conversation with a fellow astrophysics major who was convinced aliens had made contact, and we could expect a "big announcement" any day now. I nodded and said OK, and then I got a make-believe phone call from a nonexistent friend about a fake emergency and had to leave.

But after seeing it on SO MANY BALLOTS this election year (there's an initiative in Tennessee, too), I'm starting to wonder. And it freaks me out.

I don't even know what to say to that. Except that I love it. :)

Don't keep us in suspense! Which way did you vote!

I also wish I knew which way you voted on that one! My vote (if I were lucky enough to have such an initiative to vote on) would've been "VERY YES". ;)

Just so you know, the UN has also formed a committee to deal with any potential aliens we might meet. I heard it in passing on the news a week or two ago. Can't remember what the official name of the committee or bureau is. Maybe Denver took a cue from the UN.

Seriously that was on your ballot?

Oy, Kristin! Are you sure you didn't get my Boulder ballot by mistake?

Oh. My. Goodness. The Boulderites have invaded Denver. Moments like these almost make me glad I live on the Western Slope in redneck Republican central. : )

I often suspected that political correctness could be taken to extremes, but that made my day!

I think it's perfectly reasonable. Hey, ET needs love, too! :)

Kristin, are you sure you don't live in California?

Apparently, Denver knows something we don't. I thought the existence of extraterrestrials was still debatable, but if Denver wants to form a commission about it....creepy, space-agey music begins to play in my head.

and I thought the last election was good.

Ha-ha! I would've voted yes.
Those subscriptions to Fortean Times and weekly trips to the movies to see sci-fi films (research purposes) won't pay for themselves.

Now, how do you get onto one of those commissions?

If the committee can figure out how the get along with and welcome ETs maybe they can use their experience to teach us how to get along with other humans.

If you'd read my manuscript, you would've voted YES! :)

http://videosift.com/video/Firesign-Theater-Government-warning-about-UFOs

So what type of credentials will you need to be a member of this commission?

I teach junior high, but maybe I can find some cross-over skills:)

thanks for encouraging people to vote. it's critical!!!

Alien proposition is interesting! Makes me think of the movie District 9. Not my usual thing (a little gory) but amazing Apartheid analogies (it's set in S. Africa).

Oh. My. Gosh. Please tell me you said yes!

"extraterrestrial affairs commission? ...cultural awareness of Denver residents and visitors? ... gifts?"

This sounds like a vote to form a "Welcome Wagon" committee for ETs. Should we be making up gift baskets? What do you give an alien who has everything?

Here in California we thought legalizing Marijuana was forward thinking.

But there's nothing like being prepared. Yesterday's sci-fi is today's reality. hm?

Interesting. I so long for Willoughby.

Do you want to see hilarious? Check out the marjorie-cartoons at: www.marjorie-cartoons.blogspot.com

Love these pics and GO ROCKIES!!!

I so support this method of working. Henceforth, all Mondays are now BASEBALL MONDAYS, working late hours optional.

FUN!

Sara's son is such a cutie pie! Loved the pictures!

Thanks for sharing! :-)

Too cool...thanks for sharing the pics, Kristin.

Say HI to your hubby. I think he'd be interested to know that another industry professional's hubby hiked up Rangitoto this past weekend...

Tessa

Cute hubbies, ladies. Well done!

Oh PHEW! For a minute there, I thought this post was going to be about how you weren't going to read queries anymore.

Love the happy pictures of the family, yo'all must have a great time working together!

So you took a day off from fielding pitches... to watch a few pitches?

:D

Adorable pics! What a fun-looking day :)

Good for you! All work and no play makes ... well, you know. Looked like nice weather too!

Okay I totally had to comment because Driver's Seat is one of my all time favorite songs. The last time I checked it was not on itunes and I was bummed.

Cheers from another midwestern gal!

Tracey

It's a hilarious video - I posted it on my blog a while back. Too funny!

A great way to start off the morning!

Brilliant... even better if you're already a fan of both!

RIGHT ON!

That should get the younger generation into reading Jane

I really enjoy your rants! Thanks! - Epae

Loved this. Thanks so much for sharing.

Wow, that was put together well. Clever.

I've seen that before and I love it.

I still love that video. :)

There is also one, just like this, about the 'death of publishing.' It is awesome.

That was amazing. Beautiful.

Um, more "tearjerker" than "funny." ;)

Brilliant. :)

We've had 100 degrees for the last umpteen days. Monsoons are on the way...

That's very cool. Thank you for sharing.

I love the video. I hadn't seen it before, so thanks for posting it.

That was fab :)

I was like ho hum until the twist! Nice.

And I loved yesterday's post. Hilarious.

We offer the farouk chi flat iron. We provide the best price and free shipping for all the
chi flat iron. As we know, the
ghd iv styler is the first class and famous brand. So it is the good chance for you. Don't let it pass. If you are looking for the
babyliss flat iron, you have come to the right place for
instyler rotating hot iron.


ghd straighteners was known as
ghd flat iron, which was authorized online
ghd seller provides all kinds of hair straighteners,pink ghd,purple ghd,babyliss. By visiting
ghd iv salon styler , you will find what you want and made yourself more beautiful.If you miss it ,you miss beauty.Buy a piece of ghd for yourself.Come and join us
http://www.ghdhairs.com/ to win the
ghd iv mini styler.
ghd uk
ghd australia
ghd africa
ghd southafrica
t3 hair dryer
purple ghd straighteners
ghd spain
ghd ireland
ghd denmark
ghd america
ghd italy
ghd germany
ghd france
ghds
cheap ghd
purple ghd straighteners
ghd hair straightener
ghd hair straighteners
ghd hair straighteners wholesale
straighteners

I never get tired of those, they are so inspirational!
Thanks for that!

This touched my heart. Superlatives don't make it justice. I tweeted the link and I hope so many more will listen to the message (and the masterful wording).

Thank you
Malin

Whenever someone older than me tries to blame everything wrong with the world on the current generation, I like to remind them that it was theirs to screw up long before I got here. If everything had been "done right" in the first place, my generation wouldn't have as much to fight, and theirs wouldn't have so much to complain about. So much for the blame game! I think science recently discovered that the chicken came before the egg, btw...

I like to think of the older generations' noticing of problems with the current one more of a reflection of their own failings than ours, especially if we're supposed to be learning from them.

The only prayer we have to go on to truly effect the changes our elders and experts are complaining about not being made (if we can reject the apathy and laziness that seems to plague every generation like a bad dream that can't help repeat itself out of blind neurological duty) is the rejection of mistakes of the past and a sound building of our futures and finding our place within it.

very clever!

Lambast you? Why?

That blog's as funny as S*** My Dad Says.

Um....it just makes me feel happy that I actually do my research and that. Of course I read that and laugh. Who doesn't?
Your title for this post is wrong. It should be: Better Said Than Not.

Okay, this was just hilarious!

I feel a little treacherous laughing at my fellow writers, but...it's funny.

And now I know what not to do, right? :)

You know, when I first heard about it, I wondered if Slush Pile Hell was really a good (or nice) idea. But I think 99% of the examples this agent posts are so far to the extreme that only the people who make those mistakes would be upset to see them derided. The rest of us have more common sense.

The ones that are less obviously crazy -- the ones that are honest mistakes -- she mocks more gently, I feel. And don't we always love our funny teachers more than our grumpy/stodgy ones?

Hey, if we can't all laugh at not only the ridiculous things others say, but the ridiculous things we sometimes say ourselves, then this would be a sad world. Have been an ardent follower of Slushpilehell since it started. Hilarious and reminds me to be careful about the things I say in my query letters.

You can also follow that agent on Twitter. More funny stuff that doesn't show up on the blog.

The moment we stop ridiculing idiocy, it will win!

Ok, these are priceless! I've added it to my reader. Thank you for this.

It's always good to see what others have done and learn from those mistakes. Even if we sometimes feel that said mistakes are errors in common sense.

Pretty funny, but I do feel sorry for some of these writers. Like the one channeling the angel. This person clearly has some issues and it made me a little sad.

That's one of the funniest blogs out there. Whenever I need a laugh, I click on it. ;-)

Sarcasm done well is called wit. Reading SlushPile Hell, most of the responses seem like shooting fish in a barrel. The sarcasm is there, but it's missing the wit.

are you kidding? Slush Pile Hell is one of my favorites!

anything that full of well-deserving snark should always be appreciated.

...

July 9th. Definitely July 9th.

I disagree with the anonymous person who said it's not witty. It's hilarious exactly because the agent is so witty in his/her responses, whereas I'd be tempted to just be mean.

I'm sure someday, something I've written will pop up there *cringes*

Actually, reading that blog was enormously comforting. Thank you, Kristin.

The July 13 one doesn't make sense. I *know* what chain mail feels like in winter, and they didn't mention the difference between aluminum chain or steel. Aluminum keeps to your body temperature much better than steel, especially in winter. I also find that Japanese style chain pinches bare skin more than European. That was such a vague question.

Ha! How had I not seen this before? Thanks for the link!

For some odd reason those make me feel better about my query. Thanks for making me laugh.

The silliness of the quotes is exceeded only by the silliness of the responses.

Oh, wait, I may have got that backwards...

I have new respect for your fortitude. You've been finding this stuff in your inbox for years and haven't quit publishing to become a cheerleader for the Darwin Awards.

You're tough, Kristen.

but today is only Thursday...What will you do for Friday???

I'm glad that site isn't too big yet because I'm planning to read through the rest of it right now.

Since so many of these examples are so extreme, and could have been fixed with a little research, I don't mind the snark. At the very least, it'll help those of us who do our research feel better about our chances (although for the sake of humanity, I hope most queries aren't like these. I doubt I should hold out much hope, though).

I like July 1, about the Glee reruns.

Silly person, don't wear mail against your skin! It goes over your hauberk.

Why would anybody have to wonder about that? Get thee to the SCA!!

Oh no, this place again. Haha. These are the things you read and think, "This is awful, but it's hilarious at the same time."

And man...July 9th. I'm glad I'm not drinking an iced chai, or I'd probably be snorting it too.

Can't help but laugh out loud :-)

The joy of laughing at things that are no shade whatsoever of anything we would ever do, ever, absolutely ever...

These are the people that audition for American Idol and rip the judges apart when they are told they totally suck (and they really do totally suck) I particularly like the July 12 entry.

Thank you for sharing! That just made my week. I was fresh out of chai, but water definitely came through the nose.

RSS subscription, engaged. There's true value to "don't be this guy" examples, and whatever agent is writing this should be doing stand up comedy.

LOL. :)

That's awesome!! Thank you for making me laugh today. A lot.

If you want another great website of people being stupid, one of my favorites is Eavesdrop DC.

http://eavesdropdc.com/

I'm just curious how that had anything to do with their book! It's hilarious, sure, but why ever would they write about the sensation of chain mail? xD

Aw yes-- I love Slush Pile Hell. Your link made me read through all of the posts again, and I think they are just as funny the second time.

Thank you for sharing!! I too like the Glee comment. :)

I needed a good laugh today!!!

Nah, we might have lambasted you over the receipt idea (sorry, there are issues with it!), but these are truly hilarious.

Hey July 13th stole the premise of the erotic fiction I'm pitching!

June 7th -- if I was sipping coffee, it would have been all over me.

Those $%^& thespians...why do they always monopolize the talent?

Dictated by angels, told to write the book by God, most important book on earth, the next generation's greatest author... Why do I feel like the rapture might be nigh?

Hilarious.

Favorites were June 8th, 10th, 12th, 22nd, 24th, 25th, and 26th.

Dear Kristin,

Are you interested in taking your blog to the next level? This comment was dictated to me by angels, is likely to establish me as the greatest blog commentator of our generation, and--so my friends tell me--would make an EXCELLENT movie.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Shirley you can't be serious!

Funniest thing I've seen on the net for a long, long time.

Loved the chain mail one. Surely a slushpile book beckons -- but would that be too embarrassing for agents? :-)

If those are the queries; I'd love to read the book. My own query got a response in three weeks from Lori Perkins. It was my adaptation of Dante's Divine Comedies into a contemporary adventure that failed.

B.P. Haynes

OH! Thank you for the laughing fit. I needed that.

My favorites are farther back: June 25th and June 28th. No. You will not be lambasted! This blog is hilarious! Thank you for sharing!

Pure GOLD. I snorted and also knocked my cuppa with my elbow! That will teach as I was warned.

This business is hard enough, and frustrating enough as it is. We all make mistakes, especially when we are first starting out. We dont need those in positions of power ridiculing us. These are aspiring professionals, you are a professional. As a "nice midwesterner with a genteel upbringing" you should know better. If agents want to commiserate and vent in private, no problem. To do so in public is unprofessional, rude and extremely mean spirited.

I *have* always wondered how chain mail would feel against my skin...

No, this is funny. I'm a writer getting my query rejected dozens of times, and this is funny. Anyone who can't see the humor here needs a quick shot to the funny bone, stat.

Look, I have as much of a sense of humor as the next person, but this makes me shake my head. (no offense to our resident agent), but we are constantly beaten over the head with 'Agents are busy, busy, busy!' '2 months minimum to hear back on you partial - very busy over here!' 'Don't waste my time, I'm busy!!!'

Ok. Fine. But this agent has time for this b.s.? Really? I understand needing to vent. I would love to post things about the people that come into my office and waste my time at work. The thing is, you see, I'M BUSY, so I can't.

Is that site funny? Yes it is. Does that agent come off as professional. Not at all. Would I ever query said agent? Well let me think. If that person was my agent could I believe my book was getting all the attention it needed or would I worry it was being ignored in favor of someone trying to sound clever making fun of people who will NEVER be clients?

Hmmmmm....

No, no, give me a minute, Still thinking here...

Hmmm...

Ah nevermind. I guess I'm just being unreasonable....

Anon 7:52

Yes.

Anon above, please relax. Yes, agents are busy. They work on commission. They work long hours and they do it because they love the written word. Excuse me, I think what they love is the well-written word. They take time from their day to blog and post about what we writers are doing wrong. Agents are all different, and so they all approach it differently. But, I truly feel they are trying to help us get better. I follow about 15 agent blogs and I've learned a lot. I find shushpile hell funny. I'm sorry you don't. But, don't take it away from the rest of us with your blasted political correctness.

When did professionalism, common courtesy and basic human decency become confused with political correctness?

Basic human decency? Isn't that a tad dramatic? It's called humor. Look into it.

Anon 9:33

You should make an appointment with your proctologist to have that stick removed from your anus.

As for un-professional, indecent,, insensitive and down right rude... I figure one of those retarded queries is yours so I'm going go back and laugh at all of them again. (Notice how I've managed to be politically incorrect too.) Neener neener neener. (And immature. I think I'm going for a record here.)

***

Just finished re-reading them all. Still funny as hell and as crazy as a nut house. What planet are these people from? Seriously.

I agree. Many of these queries are from people "crazy as a nut house." Certainly, many of them will never in their wildest dreams be professional writers. But isnt that the point. Kristin Nelson is a professional and I find it beneath her to poke fun at those less capable than her. Would you walk into a loony bin and laugh at the inmates? Do you go to a house for the deaf and make fun of the way they talk? I dont have a stick up anything. I'm not that sensitive. I've been rejected hundreds of times. But I simply have no respect for agents who have fun in public at the expense of writers, particularly ones that clearly are going nowhere in writing, or most likely in life as well.

So your the humor police? And what are we dictating exactly? Kristen can't laugh but you can? And I thought your problem was just the stick.

It takes a nutter to know one, I guess.

"God told me to write this book and that it would become a bestseller.

I talked to God. He said he was just messing with you."

BWAA HA HA HA!

Omg I shouldn't read this at work. It's really quiet in here and I'm bound to get in trouble for laughing.

Thanks for the laugh. Needed it today.

We offer the farouk chi flat iron. We provide the best price and free shipping for all the
chi flat iron. As we know, the
ghd iv styler is the first class and famous brand. So it is the good chance for you. Don't let it pass. If you are looking for the
babyliss flat iron, you have come to the right place for
instyler rotating hot iron.


ghd straighteners was known as
ghd flat iron, which was authorized online
ghd seller provides all kinds of hair straighteners,pink ghd,purple ghd,babyliss. By visiting
ghd iv salon styler , you will find what you want and made yourself more beautiful.If you miss it ,you miss beauty.Buy a piece of ghd for yourself.Come and join us
http://www.ghdhairs.com/ to win the
ghd iv mini styler.
ghd uk
ghd australia
ghd africa
ghd southafrica
t3 hair dryer
purple ghd straighteners
ghd spain
ghd ireland
ghd denmark
ghd america
ghd italy
ghd germany
ghd france
ghds
cheap ghd
purple ghd straighteners
ghd hair straightener
ghd hair straighteners
ghd hair straighteners wholesale
straighteners

Okay, I just laughed so hard that my guts nearly fell out.

Dear Agent,

Read my book and hear the voice of God.

Sincerely,

The God Whisperer

P.S. Excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in 15 minutes.

This is great! Now I'm thinking about the musical options if I can't make it as an author...

Awwww, that kind of broke my heart a little bit :(

At least he got to sit by Mary Higgins Clark.

Oh, that's a good one. You gave me a laugh today.
Now I'm curious about that guy and his books. Maybe he's not for real though, just there for the song.
Fun post. :)

Loved it! Maybe this will bring him more publicity.

Oh wow. How embarrassing and frustrating that must be. Kind of like sending queries to agents and getting no reply, I reckon.

That was AWESOME!!!!!
....a few weeks ago I ran into the book store and there was a signing, but I couldn't stay...now I wish I new who it was...

High schoolers have the nightmare about showing up to school naked.

Authors have the nightmare about showing up for a book signing and nobody's there.

That's cute, the grass is always greener, right?

oops, I wish I KNEW who it was...silly typos!

I would have bought a book if I'd seen him with no one in his line - I've done it before...for a woman in our town, it was a non-fiction book, but a book just the same. I buy books to support writers sometimes, even if it's not something I might be interested in reading.

clarification. It was a non-fiction book I wasn't interested in. I do read non-fiction sometimes. :)

That's so sad. I would hate to be that poor guy. You'd really think he could have done something to get a few people there, at least his wife or a friend... :(

That was kinda depressing...

Oh, so funny, so cute but hey, at least somebody read his manuscript. His lit agent likely read it, maybe even a publisher. In fact, I'm jealous of him!

I've been to bookstores and seen this time and again...some poor schmuck there at a signing and nobody wants to make eye contact because they have no clue who this person is (and unwilling to find out while the author is standing there embarrassed).
This seems like such an outdated method of publicity. When will it go the way of the dodo?

Great to see Parnell Hall still has his sense of humour. Where would we all be without one in the face of all that disinterest and rejection? (Right there at our keyboards, banging out the next WIP as usual, I suppose.)

Oh, I've seen that before. It's really cute, though ow! Poor man. At least he has a sense of humor about it.

haha Wow. I don't know whether to laugh or squirm. I wonder how many authors have had that happen to them. And I agree. At least he had enough of a sense of humour to sing about it. I'm definitely interested in his books now, so it was probably a good publicity stunt as well.
*chuckle*
Still.
Poor man.

And here I am, headed out for a book signing this morning....Sigh.

Good luck, Leigh! I hope you have a crowd.

This video makes a good case for building a good online and a strong online presence.

Yes, Leigh. Good luck! Where is/was your signing?

Ahahaha!! "Almost as good as Nicholas Sparks." Too funny. :)

It left out the part where VORACIOUS creates six other accounts to hate the book and then the author creates two sock puppets of her own to defend herself and it turns into a flame wars that goes viral.

Ha hahahahaha!

Hahaha!
Loved it!

That is hilarious!! Just the break I needed :) Now back to writing...

DAMN YOU, NICHOLAS SPARKS!!!

Haha! Thanks for this!

Made me laugh out loud for real :)

Watching this video was as good as reading a Nicholas Sparks book!

Almost.

Wow! Thanks for embedding my video, Kristin! I'm BIG TIME NOW!

I may have to start on a sequel...

An author's worst nightmare and best dream all in one!

A sweet piece of work!
Thank you, Amy!

Well, I never liked Nicholas Parks. Even if I go watch all the movies adapted from his books. And watch the re-runs...

That was AWESOME. I love her expressions, they were right on for the caption.

So good!

Love it! Just too funny!


http://lisaslovesbooksofcourse.blogspot.com/

That was pretty funny. LOL!

Have you seen the Romeo and Juliet one too?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwnFE_NpMsE&feature=channel

Also good :)

These are so hilarious. I watch them all the time and hope he comes out with more.

Funny as heck! Love 'em.

"I watch them all the time and hope he comes out with more."

I think he already came out.

These ARE brilliant! I'm still laughing. :)

These are amazing!!!!!!

ROFL.

Thus we end the tragic tales of woe.

hee! nothing brightens up a Friday like a good Cassio/Casio joke.

Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for making Friday more bearable. Bring on the weekend!

Ha! This made my day.
Thanks, girl!

LOL I love these! There's a few of them but these two are the best. :D

Have a great weekend!

Hahaha...

SO funny - thanks for sharing!

"Does more mean more?"

Ah, the beauty of Youtube and gay guys....

Sufferin' Jayzus!! Will we be now afflicted with Shakespeare mash-ups?

The Stepford Wives of Windsor
A Midsummer Night's Dreamscape
The Comedy of Terrors
Mack ("The Knife") Beth
The Merchant of Menace

LOL! Thanks-- needed the laughs today.

Oh wow. These are hilarious. Thanks for posting. I checked the Romeo & Juliet one too. He really needs to do more of these.

Thanks for the drink warning! Oh. My. Laws . . . I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

These are, quite literally, my favorite things on the internet right now. Which is saying a lot.

The Onion loves to pick on publishing. Here's a clip they did with a friend of mine as John Basil, publisher.

http://onion.com/dmdCbx via @TheOnion - Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series

The real crime is the waste of mayo. I'm just saying what everybody's thinking.

Haha, condiment crime spree. Hopefully someone will commit a felony with ketchup so those three words can be strung together again.

The Onion article is hilarious as well. A girl seeing past the "brooding exterior" of a "bad-boy" minotaur, eh? I can see the cover now - a swooning girl and a buff, half-bull teenage boy - never mind, I can't, it's too hysterical.

I do like the idea of a "bad-boy Mayan vision serpent" though. :)

Hey now! As a Boisean myself I feel compelled to defend the condiment woman (dare I call her saucy?).

Sadly, I can't. It seems like everytime Idaho makes the nat'l. news it's for something wacky: women scalping each other in Kirkham hot springs, crazy man killing entire family and going on the run with the two kids, a small town changing it's zoning code so all residents are 'required' to own a gun.

Yes, it's a weird and wonderful world here in potato-land.

Way to go, Idaho! (channelling Toy Story there)

Minotaurs the new Vampires? Oh noes, I heard it was ferrets! LOL!

So that's why all my library books have had a mayonaisey smell lately...

That is hilarious. I love that the library in question is like 10 minutes from my house and I haven't heard a thing about these "condiment-related crimes" in local news. Thank you Kristin for keeping me up to date. :)

I would totally laugh at the mayo spree if I weren't currently working in a library. I've had one to many experiences of reaching into the book drop and pulling my hand out to find it covered in various slimy and/or sticky things.

And Minotaurs, wow! But hey, who would've believed me five years ago if I told them sparkling vampires where the next hot thing?

Not to jump off topic--because I totally love the condiment crime spree and Minotaur update,

but I'm curious why the publishers aren't able to take current data and show the author what their royalties would have been had they been under the amended contracts?--I'm guessing that's what the auditors do?--I really don't know.

This gives me hope for my Bolano-inspired story of a bad-boy chupacabra.

LOL.... I work in a library and certainly got a kick out of the book drop story. Hopefully it doesn't become a trend!

That Onion article is so well timed. I was shelving in Fiction yesterday and noticed all the many many vampire related books out there. (I knew we had a lot in YA, but I was surprised to see so many in Fiction as well!)

Mayonnaise? On books?
It's distressing how many people get that wrong.
It's mustard on books. Mayonnaise should only be dumped on videos, although salsa is also acceptable on DVDs, and of course nothing goes better with Blue-Ray than a nice ranch dressing.

People... why on earth are we the dominant species?

All I can see is a poor 74 y/o nice grandma in handcuffs...in a little jail cell...for mayo on books with realish other criminal in there. Anyone else seeing this picture after the drop! I'm telling other people about this story, so thanks for sharing!

Oh my gosh, The Onion post was classic! Bad-boy minotaur...wait, I would totally read a book about a labyrinth. Darn...

The Onion... Mayo... Damn, I'm getting hungry.

The even funnier thing is: that mayo crime happened in Idaho Falls- it's just too small to show up in the National News, so they call it Boise. That's where I live, and the next day, the library drop box was closed off! Oh brother! I agree though, the question is: why?

Actually, there's a crime trick...condiment crooks... pulled in Toronto where one crook squirts ketchup on a pedestrian while the second crook steals his wallet.

Check out author Brandilynn Collin's blog for her ideas on what the condiment woman might be saying about the books: http://bit.ly/dbcvof

Ha..priceless...
However, it makes me sad for the little boy...he was probably pummeled after the commercial...lol

YES. :D Hahaha, fantastic!

That was so awesome! I want one of those dolls ;)

HAHAHAHAHA! I've seen that video posted before, but this was the first time I had a chance to watch it. HILARIOUS.

Thanks.

That video = PURE AWESOME! "Nobody wants to read books written by GIRLS!"
hahahahaha.

Thanks for posting.

"Run away!"

Hilarious! Oh my gosh, I wish I had the set :)

That is HILARIOUS!!! I'm going to have to put it on FB-- thanks for sharing!

Reading that press release almost reminds me of someone arguing "did not" when confronted with an accusation, but not going into any more detail than that.

You know, when someone counters specific charges with "nuh uh," it's just not believable.

The AG said that Wiley changed e-book royalties from cover price to net receipts. It would be nice to say, "No, we didn't," or "We did, but we drastically bumped up the royalty rate in compensation."

"We don't think so" is just a dumb, unbelievable response.

Just found your blog, and love it! Thanks for keeping it real~

God I love youtube too - except when I catch myself after wasting a couple of hours watching vids instead of sleeping or writing or doing something else essential!

This though was one of the funniest things I've seen! must repost. Thanks for sharing!

Kristin:

Love your BLOG - have you in my reader and lurk daily.

Your typo today just made me HAVE to comment.

Improv Everywhere has a very different mission than Improve Everywhere, although both are necessary in today's world.

Cheers!
Eddie Louise
http://devilinmydreams.blogspot.com/

I'm SOOOOO glad no one else was in my office at the time I clicked on that jewel!
I LOVED it!
Thanks a million, girl.

Who ya gonna call? I remember teaching aerobics to a junior high football team to that theme song for their routine in a Halloween Parade. They won first place.

I love that video. My favorite moment is the guy that gets on his phone when the ghost sits next to him and he mouths "What the..?" (Sorry, but that's a word I just don't type.)

Love that and then when the guard at the beginning is just looking at the ghost and then keeps on going.

Thanks for that, LOL!

*don't cross the streams*

Have an excellent weekend.

Gotta love fast typing! One little 'e' makes a heck of a difference!

My 3 year old dd's fav movie, she came running when I played it and asked if I was watching Ghost Monsters!

Cute!

Yes. Improv EVERYWHERE! Wish I had the guts.

Yayyyyyyyyy Denver! Love it! And you too, Kristin.

Classic stuff. Very funny.

Donna-long time silent lurker
Centennial, Colorado

Jon Stewart stones! Er, rocks.

I knew there was a reason I loved living here! :)

Thinking Denver rocks harder than Florida! Funny! :)

Denver, rep-re-sent!! :)

Hilarious!

You must be so proud.

Does "Wellness services" count as stoner doublespeak? Just curious.

Hmmm, you should have a "support your neighbors" day at Nelson Literary Agency where you go to one of these places to read queries.

I will have to make sure to deliver my query and a huge plate of brownies on that day!

I have always wanted to live in Denver.
This cracked me up!

Speaking of funny, I just followed a link here from The Swivet, and had to read your blog title three times before I realized it didn't say "Rub Pants."

Cool link! Thanks for sharing, and just think, your blog entry, should you remember it, is one ahead!

That made me laugh ALOT!

Very funny! Thanks.

Hilarious! I need to share it with my high school students. Thanks for posting the link!

Nice! It's the grammatical equivalent of my road rage strategy -- pretending bad drivers are in labour and have to race to the hospital before giving birth.

I love it... alot.

thanks for the link. I liked it 'alot'!

Hey, I just started following that blog a week ago!

Great blog link, thank you. I am new here, is there a way to put a question out for anyone to answer?

You did a fine job here...wish only the best for the future :)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Oh that is mindbottlingly hilarious! :)

Oh, my gosh, brilliant! LOL

Thanks for sharing!

Um...that was fabulous.

I sent this to my wife who works in movie advertising. Perfect!

Subtly humorous comment using complex punctuation meant to show others who read this that I am a much better writer than anyone else.

Attempt at deep insight to also show that not only am I funny, but wise.

Statement shamelessly praising lit agent in the vain hopes they'll take pity on my 250k-word attempt at a novel and represent me.

Failure.

Trailer's absolutely priceless! I love it!

I am so the dou***bag who posts sound bites in my Facebook profile

*snicker*

and the one who shows disdain for societal norms by dying her hair.

Baaaa Baaaaa.

I will be at the Tucson Festival of Books. I am looking forward to meeting them!

Hi Kristin.. I see you girls are going to be on facebook and twitter soon, let me know when..

I love your book trailers.. i post those on my blog too :))

http://www.twitter.com/theideagirl

I posted your email response about the rejection letter with url to your pubrants blog.. ive been here before HAh .. love it!

Too funny!! Thanks for sharing! :D

Recently rejected author makes witty comment about film clip, hoping to win agent's heart for the sake of future queries.

LOL That was great!

You can't keep posting these, I need to be writing!
bwahahahahaha!
Love it.

So. Wicked. Funny! Thanks for posting!

OMGawd I am in tears - that is halarious....laughing!

It was about time someone did a movie version of DaVinci's Notebook's "Title of the Song"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoCGKFg-WYw

Old idea, but well-played all the same, :)

Hysterical!!

Made my day! Thank you!

I know the urban dictionary. It's great, isn't it?

The darth breather reminded me of the dracula sneeze, one of my favs of late.

I kind of like "Verbal Handcuffs":
When someone won't stop talking (usually about a subject you have no interest in).

I've never seen the "That's crazy!" entry before. Oh man... they're onto me! Sounds like I need a new catch-all response.

I'm loving the weather in Denver right now. The urban dictionary is hilarious -- my fav is the cognitus interruptus as I experience it daily! Happy Friday! :)

HA! I LOVE it.

My fav is "It is what it is."

Because it ain't what it ain't.

And it's used so much by everyone.

Jimmy Ng

Oh yeah, been luvin that urban dictionary.

NO FAIR about your weather! I'm in Iowa and we're climbing to the top of the ladder on the Snowiest Winters Ever record. And to top that off it's been too damn cold to enjoy anything. I can't wait until it hits 40. Break out the shorts!

I find the Urban Dictionary to be very helpful in writing dialogue, but I feel that I have to be careful that I don't lose the reader with too much unfamiliar street slang.
Lee

OK, so if I hear you tell me, "That's crazy..." it's time for me to let you off the phone! :)

Kristina

Oh crapazoid. I've loved the urban dictionary for ages, and at this very minute, when I soooo need to be writing, I'm dragged back into its deliciousness. A total weapon of mass distraction.

Try putting your name into the urban dictionary to see what it's slang for. I discovered that a leeann is a crazy, adorable, teenage cat lover. Not quite teenaged anymore, but still amusing. The crazy still fits, though.

I am terribly guilty of the "that's crazy" not-paying-attention decoy move. It's 100% fool proof I tell you.

Kristin--

As far as 'agent reimbursement expenses,' can you share what you bill/deduct from your author-clients' accounts?

Copying? Postage? Travel? Weird things?

Thanks,

--TB

How about being in the Denver area with this beautiful weather of late, but being too busy with day-job work to either write OR step outside for a walk.
Now that's crazy!

Terri,
We post on our website exactly how we handle that. It's under FAQ.

Here's the link:
http://www.nelsonagency.com/faq.html#0

The darth breather reminded me of the dracula sneeze, one of my favs of late.
I know the urban dictionary. It's great, isn't it?

Like arlee bird, I also apply Urban Dictionary-isms to my YA novels, but I've wondered how careful I should be about that.

Does anyone know if Urban Dictionary carries a copyright on its -isms?

Maybe I'm fine, as long as I don't use too many. Any comments from people who know this stuff?

This is our THIRD snowpocalypse in two and a half months! Yeah yeah yeah laugh it up :( ...

At this point I'm a little over the snow. We're in Wyoming and got some yesterday. Granted, I guess I don't mind it as much if I don't have to drive in it.

I will be e-mailing my query letter soon. I am finally finished with my novel. (Chick lit.)

Have a fantastic Monday!

Okay, sadly my son's high school is in Urban Dictionary.They claim the entire student body is high on pot 24/7. Need I say more?

I had heard of Urban Dictionary but hadn't managed to visit it until just now. I can't wait for my boyfriend or his father to start telling one of their hyperbolized life stories though, so I can say, "What an excellent spicey edit!" It'll be well worth the blank stares.

Okay, now I hafta tell my dad he's a total darth breather. :)