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This agreement made this 12th day of Never, in the 50th year of Our Lord Gaiman, by and between the peruser of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE READER) and the architect of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE WRITER).

WITNESSETH: That in consideration of mutual covenants and agreements to be kept and performed on the part of said parties, hereto, respectively as herein stated:

I. Said party of the first part (THE READER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. purchase, borrow, or otherwise legally obtain the written article in a manner demonstrating good faith in the power of a good story.

b. engage in the cerebral and/or emotional pursuit of the written article until such time as the written article ceases to engage THE READER.

c. discard the written article if such article contains more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. In such case, THE READER vows to heap abuse on THE WRITER via Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from expressing an opinion of the written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER if said article induces the sentiment herewith known as “MEH.”

e. make loud and vigorous proclamation regarding the competency of THE WRITER, should the written article prove to be a string of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

II. And Said Party of the Second Part (THE WRITER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. with reasonable liberality, endorse the purchase, lending, or otherwise legal means of acquisition of the written article by THE READER.

b. imbue the written article with such engaging features as non-preposterous characters and an actual plot. Additionally, THE WRITER agrees to  saturate said article with satisfactory tension and non-loathsome sentences.

c. set fire to any pre-published, embryonic musings containing more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. Should THE WRITER allow such musings to be published, THE WRITER agrees to accept THE READER’S abuse via  Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from impuning THE READER for expressing a non-spectacular or otherwise uncomplimentary review published mechanically or distributed in the digital ether. Subclause: Should THE READER articulate a sentiment worse than “MEH” regarding said written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER, THE WRITER reserves the right to bludgeon THE READER ad mortem with said article, with impunity.

e. reward the loud and vigorous praise of THE READER by continuing to create strings of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE BINDING UPON THE PARTIES, INCLUDING THEIR SUCCESSORS, ASSIGNS, AND PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVES. THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE ENFORCED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF EX LIBRIS.

Signed the day and year first written above.

Signed in the presence of:

Scarlet Whisper

First Party:

Second Party:

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