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There is a new antagonist in my life.  Most people call it an elliptical machine.  No offense to the inventor of the elliptical machine as it really is a lovely device, but the thing is a beast.  Every time I go to the gym, I say I am going to do at least 20 minutes on the elliptical instead of 30 or 40 minutes on the treadmill because the elliptical really does give better results.

I enter the gym armed with my walkman and a book to read plus a bottle of water and I stare my enemy in the face as I mount her and place my feet in the feet things.  I enter my weight (G-15 classified information) and the time of the workout.  I always feel optimistic that that day will be the day I do every single one of those twenty minutes.  I really do.  I even tell people, “I’m going to do 20 minutes on the elliptical today.”  And I get on it and I begin to move my arms and feet and nod my head to the beat of the music or sing along.  In my head.  And I watch TV ready to see those twenty minutes just whizz by and the calories too.  And by the third minute, I pause to drink a few sips of water.  Renewed by the liquid refreshment, I begin again and by the fifth minute, I could care less about the house that is being HGTVed, I want off!  Between the 5th and 7th minutes, I am no longer even caring about the song on my walkman.  I stare longingly at the treadmills in front of me with their nice display unit that fits any book I bring to the gym with me.And then I sell out on my elliptical machine pipe dream as I walk to the treadmill after wiping down the machine of torture.

I do my time on the treadmill with ease.  Oh sure, I am bored with it but the book, music, and TV help with that.

The elliptical offers the better workout.  20 minutes on the elliptical raises my heart rate and I burn at least 200 calories.   Typically each minute on the elliptical is 10 calories.  So the 80 calorie muffin I ate this morning is gone from my thighs after 8 minutes.  Wonderful, right?  To burn off the muffin on the treadmill varies depending on how fast I walk or if I bother to kick it up to the 4.5 range to do a run for about 45 seconds. 

I am helpless.

I’ve tried everything to make the time on the elliptical go by faster. 

I picture The Biggest Loser’s Jillian in my face telling me I can do it like she did Isabeau the other night.

That doesn’t last.

I’ve thrown a towel over the display so I don’t see how slowly the seconds tick by. 
I end up moving the towel.

I curse myself out and remind myself that I want to look slimmer for the next book cover and an island vacation in the latter part of 2008. 

I tell myself that I need to lose weight and just be healthy.

In a tribute to the witty Judy Blume, I chant to myself, “We must we must we must decrease our guts.”

And yet I still allow the antagonistic diabolical elliptical machine win.

I’ve devised another possible strategy to last on the elliptical machine.  It’s a challenge to read a book on the elliptical because the pages move so I found a series of articles on my hometown’s newspaper’s website that I want to read.  I printed it off, stapled it, and am taking it with me to the gym tonight where I plan not to leave the elliptical until I finish the packet of articles and burn some serious calories.

Victory shall be mine.