Heaven (FAN) – God (also known as Allah, Elohim, Jehova, Bob, and Big Daddy), ruler of the universe and the creator of internationally best-selling products such as air, water, and Pizza Hut, was admitted into the Heavenly Home for the Mentally Insane today after He began denying His own existence.
When He spoke of His Father’s sudden, unexpected bout of schizophrenia, Jesus was obviously still in shock.
“We just never saw it coming,” He says while holding a weeping Mary, “He was fine one minute, you know? And then. . .bam! Like water to wine, He’s saying no God exists. We asked Him what He was talking about, but He just kept saying “God is dead” over and over. . .”
God’s angels, Gabriel and Michael among them, were unavailable for comment.
The Expert’s Opinion
When asked about God’s peculiar condition, psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, who drove up from Hell to treat the Lord, gave us this advice:
“When a being goes without sex for as long as God has–approximately 15 billion years–it is understandable that certain mental functions eventually become impaired. Though it is my professional opinion that God, having no father or mother, is beginning to view Himself the same as His father–in other words, God has projected the nonexistence of His father to Himself.”
Despite this grim diagnosis, Freud believes there might be hope.
“There is a chance He’ll come out of it if His mind ever passes this roadblock, but as to when or even if that will happen, it is too early to say.”
The Earthly Consequences
God’s ailment has affected more than the spiritual plane. In the wake of His Holiness’s incarceration, rates of atheism have skyrocketed, particularly in once-theistic communities.
“God cannot lie,” says Reverend Jittlepop, “so if God says God doesn’t exist, then God doesn’t exist.”
The Westboro Baptist Church, now a branch of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, echoes this sentiment with religious fervor.
“God hates theists,” says pastor-turned-English professor Fred Phelps, “America will be punished for their tolerance of such abominations.”
But not everybody believes God is truly sick.
Doctor Dicky Dawson, British biologist and once an atheist, shares his doubts.
“It’s rubbish, there’s no evidence this supporting God’s claim that there is no God, therefore it is best to assume until evidence shows otherwise that God does, in fact, exist.”
Dr. Dicky, author of “The God Reality,” spearheads the movement of individuals known as the New Theists.
“Atheism is delusional bullocks, and it’s high time we let rationality run our lives.”
Stepping Up Schizophrenia Awareness
Jesus, with the help of the Legion of Angels, has founded an organisation dedicated to schizophrenia awareness and research, called The Holy Foundation for Schizophrenia Research and Awareness (THFSRA).
“We never thought it could happen to us,” says Jesus. “We were wrong. And we don’t want the same thing to happen to someone else.”
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