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- I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
- Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
- When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
- You laugh because I'm different...........I laugh cause I just farted!
- What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
- Men are like bank accounts.Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
- Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Um...ew
Too cute
In honor of the many teachers and kids starting school this week:
1. I was working with a small group of 4th grade students creating word lists for their writers’ notebooks. One list was titled “Scary October Words”. I asked a girl to give me a scary word to write on the list to which she replied, “report cards!”
2. I teach high school, but a good friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher. One day a little boy tattled on another, telling my friend the other student said the "B" word. Wondering exactly which "B" word, she called the boy over and asked him to repeat what he had said. He did not want to repeat it for the teacher, but after some prodding he finally admitted to saying "Bagina".
3. At Math time, I told the kids that we were going to talk about Even and Odd. One boy yelled out- "I know that story. It's in the Bible! " After I quit laughing, I said- "I think you mean Adam and Eve. "
4. I was a teacher in a tutoring center and at the end of every session, we would ask the students quiz questions for extra tokens. I asked, "What are the three primary colors?". One of my students said, " I know- black, white, and Mexican!!" I laughed so hard, I gave him 2 tokens.
5. One teacher I had for Biology had a special way to remember Kingdom Pylum Class Order Family Genus Species. Her way we found out was King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Spaghetti. But, she was a bit flustered that day and instead of saying King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Spaghetti, she said King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Sex.
6. A teacher friend of mine does a survey with her 8th graders on future jobs. One young man stated he wanted to be a garbage man because they only have to work on Thursdays.
Have an awesome school year!
Pics that have that 'aw' factor:
Emailed to me. Too cute:
A doctor went to the country to deliver a baby. There was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5 yr-old what he thought of the baby. The boy said, "Spank him again. He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place!"
Joke emailed to me:
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Funny Bumper Sticker Quote (from http://www.bored.com/bumperquotes/)
"Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
If you're rich, I’m single!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
Adults are just kids with money.
Keep honking, I am reloading!
Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go
"I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"
You're not the boss of me!
Your village called, their idiot is missing.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it?
Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says?
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b**ch.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
This week, Texas students in grades 3-12 are taking the TAKS test (last time til next Spring). I'm posting teacher jokes in honor of the teachers who've worked so hard to prepare the students.
Taken from http://jokes4teachers.com/ and http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_school.htm
Teachers Can't Be Bribed
A High School Teacher was giving a big test one day to her students. She handed out all of the tests and went back to her desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The teacher noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the teacher handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Fascinating Teacher Joke
The teacher asked her class of 8 year olds to use a sentence containing the word fascinate. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bosoms are so big she can only fasten eight.'
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Harold, what do yo u call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.
Student Proverbs
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you.............mess it up.
Better be safe than...............................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .............................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but...............................how?
Don't bite the hand that....................................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a.................................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.................................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the.......................................pigs.
An idle mind is..................................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...............................pollution.
Happy the bride who...........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...............................................not much.
Two's company, three's.............................the musketeers.
Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
Ewww...
MY COUSIN EMAILED ME THIS:
FUNNY, YET...KINDA CREEPY.
51 - 101 of 101 Ways to Annoy People
http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Misc-Jokes/101-Ways-To-Annoy-People.html
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
1 - 50 of 101 Ways to Annoy People (51-101 next week)
http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Misc-Jokes/101-Ways-To-Annoy-People.html
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
I just think these are too cute!
De-motivators from Despair.com:
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Hee, hee. But hey, you can't be mad at the kitty. LOL...
LOL, so true!