Many years ago, while at university, one of my professors required that his students write their own obituary. He told us that by writing our obits, we would begin to truly appreciate ourselves and others as individual human beings with innate worth and lasting value. He also said that until we stood back and looked at ourselves as a stranger would see us, we could never really know who we are.
Like most college students, we went along with the program as outlined and did as we’d been instructed. The lesson had interesting consequences for me along the way. I doubt any of us ever forgot what we learned from it.
Trying to look at your image in the mirror, as a stranger would, isn’t an easy task. Self-perception is always influenced by experience and what others have told you of their observations and expectations for you. The physical aspects that have always seemed flawed, or perfect, or questionable are your first impressions.
When you go past the physical to past experience, deeds, and failures with their requisite successes, you dwell on those bits that were less than perfect, less than desirable. Accepting the flawed episodes from a past that can’t be changed is a timely process. Without that acceptance, the successes ring as hollow and lifeless. Small indiscretions overpower small kindnesses. Praise is mitigated by remembered slights. And the cycle continues.
The act of writing one’s personal obituary allows for reflection on the overall picture of a person’s life—yours. The fact is that an obituary is merely a personal profile. It places the person within the framework of their own history.
Family and friends come to the foreground, along with major accomplishments within the person’s life. It’s not concerned with failures, but with successes, relationships, and contributions. It concentrates on those areas of one’s life that reflect the spirit and philosophy of the person.
The amount of detail held within the paragraphs that encompass a person’s life story depends on the purpose of the writer. Make no mistake; the obituary is a telling of a person’s profile or life story in miniature. It can celebrate that life, magnify it, examine it, whatever the writer wishes to convey. It can also bring to light the otherwise unknown deeds of a person, secrets held by those who knew her best.
By the time I finished my assignment, I’d reaffirmed several key points about myself. I’d come away with an acknowledgement of those relationships which mattered the most to me and knew why they did so. My failures up to that point had been assessed and laid to rest. I’d owned all of them, some for the first time, and they could no longer haunt me.
Successes, some of them never properly acknowledged, came to the foreground. I’d never before thought of those times I’d been in a rescue situation as successes. My actions had been necessary to keep another from greater harm. I’d not categorized them as anything other than being in the right place at the right time.
The exercise became a kind of “It’s a Wonderful Life” scenario. When approached that way, failures meant nothing, had no value. Only successes counted, and few, if any, of those for me had anything to do with money or personal gain.<
Many years ago, while at university, one of my professors required that his students write their own obituary. He told us that by writing our obits, we would begin to truly appreciate ourselves and others as individual human beings with innate worth and lasting value. He also said that until we stood back and looked at ourselves as a stranger would see us, we could never really know who we are.
Like most college students, we went along with the program as outlined and did as we’d been instructed. The lesson had interesting consequences for me along the way. I doubt any of us ever forgot what we learned from it.
Trying to look at your image in the mirror, as a stranger would, isn’t an easy task. Self-perception is always influenced by experience and what others have told you of their observations and expectations for you. The physical aspects that have always seemed flawed, or perfect, or questionable are your first impressions.
When you go past the physical to past experience, deeds, and failures with their requisite successes, you dwell on those bits that were less than perfect, less than desirable. Accepting the flawed episodes from a past that can’t be changed is a timely process. Without that acceptance, the successes ring as hollow and lifeless. Small indiscretions overpower small kindnesses. Praise is mitigated by remembered slights. And the cycle continues.
The act of writing one’s personal obituary allows for reflection on the overall picture of a person’s life—yours. The fact is that an obituary is merely a personal profile. It places the person within the framework of their own history.
Family and friends come to the foreground, along with major accomplishments within the person’s life. It’s not concerned with failures, but with successes, relationships, and contributions. It concentrates on those areas of one’s life that reflect the spirit and philosophy of the person.
The amount of detail held within the paragraphs that encompass a person’s life story depends on the purpose of the writer. Make no mistake; the obituary is a telling of a person’s profile or life story in miniature. It can celebrate that life, magnify it, examine it, whatever the writer wishes to convey. It can also bring to light the otherwise unknown deeds of a person, secrets held by those who knew her best.
By the time I finished my assignment, I’d reaffirmed several key points about myself. I’d come away with an acknowledgement of those relationships which mattered the most to me and knew why they did so. My failures up to that point had been assessed and laid to rest. I’d owned all of them, some for the first time, and they could no longer haunt me.
Successes, some of them never properly acknowledged, came to the foreground. I’d never before thought of those times I’d been in a rescue situation as successes. My actions had been necessary to keep another from greater harm. I’d not categorized them as anything other than being in the right place at the right time.
The exercise became a kind of “It’s a Wonderful Life” scenario. When approached that way, failures meant nothing, had no value. Only successes counted, and few, if any, of those for me had anything to do with money or personal gain.<
There's Going To Be A Baby by John Burningham & Helen Oxenbury is a wonderful read for moms and dads who are preparing for their second born. Here's an excerpt:
Mommy, can't you
tell the baby to go away?
We don't really need
the baby, do we?
The first born child in the story is weary about a new baby. He is wondering about the new baby. He has many questions about the new arrival and is excited to discover what is in store!
I wonder if the
baby will work here
at the zoo one day,
looking after the
animals.
I recommend this book. It is full of great images. The illustrations are well done. The whole story relays the message well. I give this book 4 out 5 books!
Besides the fact that our son is wishing I will have a car instead of a baby, he has been very curious about the whole process. He was born by emergency c-section and I've had to explain this to him. There was a lot of medical intervention and it was a scary experience. In the end we ended up with a beautiful, healthy little boy. I've been talking to him about his sibling, who is due in February 2010. We are 20 weeks now. This time we have a midwife, I feel more empowered and I know nothing really goes according to plan when it comes to this stuff, but we are aiming for a natural birth this time with as little intervention as possible.
Tonight, my little boy and I are were having our nightly snuggle, quietly, in the dark and he says,
"Mommy, I don't want them to cut you this time." I was floored for a second. I assured him that it did not hurt me, and that we were all good and it was ok. He said again, "I think it would be better if the baby was born the other way this time - will it hurt you?" and he nestled in. I told him that, yes, it would hurt me a little, and I would have to work pretty hard - but only for a little while - and then we would have our baby. We snuggled for a bit, he, lying on my belly, listening and his sibling giving him little love taps. It is a moment that will be emblazoned in my memory forever.
So I ask - where does a 4 year old gain this insight and feeling?
Books we've been reading - It's not the Stork and Being Born - two great books that beautifully illustrate the thigs you need to talk about, in a gentle and informative way.
We have our ultrasound on Tuesday - and I can't wait for our son to see the baby this way too. These are special times.
Sibling Relationships in the Animal World
by Steve Jenkins and Robin Page
Houghton Mifflin 2008
I learn more from picture books than I probably did back in high school. Of course, I have a different perspective on what interests me than when I was younger, and kid books are pretty much all I read these days so I'm probably not learning as much as I could.
Still.
Did you know that armadillos
by Mary Amato
illustrated by Delphine Durand
Putnam 2008
It is the sacred duty of the eldest child to deviously taunt the youngest sibling. If one can do so with the aid of middle siblings, all the better. It is equally the duty of the youngest sibling to both believe the most gullible lies delivered by the oldest sibling and find an equally clever, but innocent, way to get their revenge.
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Author:
Oh – I like that. I just put it on my writing list of things to write and reflect about. I had students do that as well when we were talking about culture, but it was much more simplistic. It did, however, teach me a huge lesson about culture. The things I would put on my headstone are far different than the things the native Alaskan kids growing up in rural Alaska would put on theirs. It made me poignantly aware of the disconnect between the local cultural values and the school’s values.
Thanks, Elise. Native Americans I’ve known over the years have an entirely different take on the matter as well. Within the mainstream culture one’s accomplishments and deeds toward other humans reflect the person’s life “validity,” while for those traditional Native American’s I’ve known, the emphasis leans toward the person’s connection to and relationship with the earth and the Creator.
Glad you could use the exercise.
Claudsy
This is perhaps the most valuable of those types of writing exercises I’ve ever done. I wrote my own several years ago–it was the imaginary ‘what do you want people to remember you for’ kind of thing, and I kind of made it my own. It has meant a complete reordering of how I see myself, absolutely for the good.
That’s terrific, Margaret. I’m so glad that you could use something like this for your future benefit. I found the assignment so useful, and still do it on those rare occasions when it smacks my awareness. With the use for it, though, I doubt I’ll forget again.
So happy you dropped by with a comment. Take care and God bless.
Claudsy
This really is a great idea, to see ourselves as others do. We’ll either appreciate ourselves more or see where there’s room for improvement.
’s to you Claudsy.
That’s always been the message for me in this exercise. It keeps a reality check available to us to be used whenever we need it.
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks, Hannah.
Your welcome! You have such a unique voice in your postings, it’s almost as though I’m hearing you when I read even though I don’t know what your voice sounds like!
What a lovely thing to say. Actually, my voice changes with each type of writing that I do. I don’t know that I have only one.
You’d have to ask someone like MEG to know whether I do or not.
Claudsy
Yes, I think I know what you mean, Clauds. My voice takes on different facets with varying style of writing, too. Fun thought to think about!