QUERY

Dear X:

Seventeen-year-old Adriana didn’t always resent her dad. There was a time when he was fun and attentive and around. But years of working for the CIA have changed him, and not for the better. Over the years, his arbitrary rules, half-truths, and prolonged absences have taken a toll on their relationship.

Then she finds out that his identity has been compromised and his life is at stake. Criminals he put behind bars years ago want him dead, and put a three million dollar bounty on his head to make sure it happens. His rules, absences—a lot of things—make more sense now, and his sacrifices seem more real than ever. But soon he announces he has to flee, and he’s not coming back anytime soon. On top of everything else, the CIA is trying to frame him for laundering money for the same criminals who want him dead now. Adriana can’t stand the idea of never seeing her dad again, so when she comes across files that tell her where he might have gone, she decides to take off across Europe to find him. If she doesn’t get to her dad before the criminals, or the CIA, do, she risks losing him forever, just when she was starting to understand him. But what if she’s wrong about him? What if he was a double agent?

HOW TO CATCH A SPY is a young adult thriller with a romantic subplot that will get readers hearts racing almost as much as the adventure scenes do. It is complete at 54,000 words.

I’m an editor and freelance writer. In 2007, I published an anthology of essays with Speck Press titled GENERATION WHAT? DISPATCHES FROM THE QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS. I have also contributed freelance articles for several publications, including The Boulder Weekly and The Westword. I’m attending Antioch University’s low-residency MFA program. Thank you in advance for considering my manuscript.

Sincerely,

THOUGHTS

JODI: The first line of this query immediately drew me in. She didn’t always resent her dad, and the implied “but now she does” really made me sit up and wonder what changed. Just in the first paragraph, there are some perfect, telling details about what it would be like for someone’s dad to work for the CIA. Frustrating. Lonely. And then we bring on the inciting event, full of scary.

KAT: I love the concept behind this, and I think it’s well-presented to the reader. We get the stakes early on, and although we don’t get a lot of details about Adriana’s plan to find him, we can see how it’ll be an exciting chase with her father at one end and the pursuing criminals at the other. I’m not entirely sure the bit about the romantic subplot needs to be there. Or maybe we need to hear more about the actual love interest, since he’s not brought up at all in the query.

JODI: Yeah, I think so. The line about a romantic subplot came as sort of a surprise, since the love interest wasn’t mentioned at all in the description of the story. So either the line can be cut, or we need to see someone romantical appearing partway through — without distracting from the really cool part of this story, which is Adriana chasing her dad.

What do you think?

And that’s our QUERYPALOOZA week! Did you all like this? Was it educational? We hope it was, because we had a ton of fun looking at all the great queries you guys sent.

QUERY

Dear [Agent Name],

[Reasons for query]. As such, I thought you might enjoy my 95,000 word young adult novel SHATTERHEART.

After fiendish Greyskins destroy her coastal village, Lacey Gracen flees the burning ruins of her home with only an outdated gun for protection and not a coin to her name.

She hopes to find safety at the prestigious Cloudbourne Academy, where she can hone her magic and gunmanship so that she will never again be a victim. Once exclusive to the winged avi race, Cloudbourne now admits humans like Lacey, and she finds friends among its avi and human students alike. But her dreams of escaping the Greyskins vanish when the monsters spread through the country. As refugees flee westward, bringing with them stories of ragged monsters wielding corrosive dark magic, Cloudbourne’s headmistress seeks Lacey’s knowledge of the Greyskins.

When the headmistress refuses to believe the Greyskins are corrupted avi, Lacey finds true allies elsewhere. Gruff avi Commander Morse is the military mind she’s been searching for, and her new friends—the witty mech Fin and the charming avi Bradyn—will do anything to save Alta. After discovering the Greyskins are the work of a mech—a human who creates technology with magic—they must track down the monsters’ creator before he murders more avi.

Lacey must travel across the country, running from Greyskins all the while, with only her friends at her side. However, worse than facing hordes of Greyskins is where her path leads: through the remains of her ruined village—a nightmare she never wanted to face again. But if she does not brave the horrors of her past, the Greyskins will overrun country, plunging it forever into ruin.

SHATTERHEART is a standalone fantasy novel that blends magic with technology. I believe it will appeal to fans of Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING or Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[AUTHOR]

THOUGHTS

KAT: My first feeling after reading this query is that I’m a little overwhelmed. I completely understand the difficulty of writing a query for a fantasy, in which there are so many new things, and terms, and a whole new world to describe in so little room. However, I think less is more in many cases. Figure out what is most unique and important about your world and talk about that. Otherwise, just focus on the usual query structure: character, stakes, plot.

JODI: One of the biggest challenges of writing and querying fantasy is giving the reader a feel for the basic worldbuilding without throwing too much at them. It’s a fine balance between too much and not enough, and this is a case of too much, I think. One trick I’ve found useful for writing fantasy queries is to give it to someone who hasn’t read the book and see if they can figure out what’s going on in just one read. (Because often that’s all a query will get from an agent.) There’s a lot in here that could be interesting, but right now I’m mostly confused.

KAT: I think it really all goes back to something we’ve mentioned a few times this week: stakes. For example, there’s the line that says: “When the headmistress refuses to believe the Greyskins are corrupted avi, Lacey finds true allies elsewhere.” Since I’m still not clear as to what avi are, or what their relationship with humans are, I can’t fully appreciate this reveal that Greyskins are corrupted avi. I really like the concepts put forth in this query, though. I’ve always been a fan of mixing technology with magic!

What are your feelings on this one?

QUERY

Seventeen-year-old Serendipity Tanner has given up on the past—but she hasn’t gotten over it.

Three years ago, when her ex-dad’s disappearance launched her into a nuclear blowout with society, Seri divorced her dreams of composing music for a shot at Harvard-bound success. Yet there’s always been a part of her that won’t let go of what could have been, and this summer, her best friend Charles is determined to restore that faith in the past.

But just when Seri’s starting to heal, an unexpected tragedy catapults her back into the great unknown. Scared and alone, she falls back on someone who’s been there all along: a boy called The Boy, her not fathomable, kind of gorgeous, definitely angry-at-life tutee at Mott’s Alternative School for Troubled Teens. And when she uncovers his terrible secret, she faces a whole new dilemma: coming to terms with the astronomical insignificance of everything that mattered before.

Complete at 73,000 words, THE THEORY OF THE METAPHORICAL GUTTER is the story of a girl whose summer begins and ends with the same five hundred glow-in-the-dark stars, the beautiful and catastrophic business of what transpires in between, and the theory that explains it all.

THOUGHTS

KAT: There are some critical elements to each query, and I think some of them are missing here. We need a salutation of some sort (Dear Mr/Ms. Agent Name), and possibly a reason you’ve chosen to query them (I see you enjoy YA fantasies about witches…). Also, although a word count is provided, which is great, we don’t know either the genre or the intended age group. Is this YA contemporary? Adult magical realism? I’m not sure.

JODI: Yep. We need to know those things in order to know whether the book is even something the agent represents! I’m also curious what this “unexpected tragedy” is, followed by a “terrible secret.” There’s some vagueness going on in here, and while specifics might be too much detail, I’d like to know the basics. What is the tragedy? A car crash? Spontaneous human combustion? I feel like we’re missing a lot of the key details of this story. They’ve all been replaced with big but vague phrases like “unexpected tragedy.”

KAT: There are some really great, strong lines in this query that make me think the story itself will have lovely language. The title is fantastic, too. I get the feeling that this story is much more about the characters and their growth than anything else, and that’s perfectly fine. But like Jodi said, I think we need to know more about these mysterious events. I totally understand the urge to “not spoil” anything, but you have to throw us a bone!

What do you guys think?

QUERY

Dear Agent X,

I would like to offer my completed 87,000 word YA manuscript for consideration.

CURE MY SOUL is a dystopian novel with never-before-seen paranormal elements. The story explores both what is means to discover who you truly are, and what it means to be human in light of the question: “What if the cost of saving mankind is its humanity?”

“For years, mankind has shunned the supernatural – but now they may be our only hope.

In the near future, the Old World has fallen to disease and only the Soulless have survived. In an effort to protect mankind, every seventeen-year-old human within the walls of the City– the futuristic version of NYC – is required to be de-souled and turned into one of these supernatural creatures. The process is simple: you live or you die.

Or, in one boy’s case, forget.

He is Luka Obbeck. The blank slate. Free from memories and emotions, which mean certain death for any human in the De-Souling Room, Luka is the poster boy for the Regime’s campaign. Their most prized possession – and most powerful weapon.

Until he is taken from them.

She is Clace Silver. The rebel human born in the secret society of the Underground. The girl who managed to kidnap the government’s most loved celebrity, and who dreams of only two things. One –being free. Two – saving her brother from the Regime.

As their worlds collide, both have reasons of their own to unravel the secrets and intentions of the Regime and the rebels. But when the battle lines are drawn, they must choose a side to stand on – or get caught in the crossfire…

The truth can burn down a city.”

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

…

THOUGHTS

JODI: While there are some really cool elements to this story, I always do a little eyebrow raise whenever someone says something is completely new. Sometimes I have seen certain elements before, and it makes me question whether the author has read widely enough. It’s almost never safe to make that kind of sweeping claim.

KAT: Yes, I agree with that. Even if you do have something that hasn’t been done before, it’s probably not a good claim to make. I also think that we need more concrete details here. Ideas like “discovering who you really are” and “what it means to be human” are pretty vague and apply to many, many stories. I’d focus more words on what makes your story unique. What exactly are the Soulless, for example? Are they humanoid? Are they like ghosts? Are they just people with emotions removed? You say “supernatural,” but does that mean they have special powers? What kind? What is the Regime? Is it run by humans or Soulless?

JODI: Agreed. And while there are some vague bits here, we also have a few too many disconnected details, like the “De-Souling Room” and the “Regime” — things I can’t quite figure out from this description. I think the details in the query need to be chosen with a bit more care, and remembering that the reader has no idea what is happening in this story beyond what we’re told in the query. We rely on it 100% to get the ideas across to us. I also don’t think it would hurt this query to adhere to a slightly more formal and recognized format without quotes from the story. When queries diverge from the standard format, they can get pretty confusing, especially when you’re reading several in a row.

KAT: I am getting a cool vibe from the story, with like a dark, almost noir feel to it. Very “Dark City” (the movie) kind of tone I think it would be very intriguing, but right now, the story isn’t entirely coming across.

What about you guys? What do you think?

QUERY

Dear Ms. Meadows and Ms. Zhang,

How can your life change and open up if you let more people in?

Seventeen-year-old Sadie Snow’s social circle consists almost entirely of emotionally distant Amber and virtual big brother Ethan. When Amber dumps her without a word, Sadie is left hurt and confused. She turns to Ethan, who has always been her rock, for support, confident that he’ll be there for her.

When Sadie’s long-time crush, pseudo-bad-boy Anderson, is kicked out of his house, Sadie’s social worker mom takes him into their home. Still reeling from the loss of her best friend, Sadie finds herself drifting towards Anderson, who, much to Sadie’s surprise, returns her affections.

As Sadie comes to grips with losing Amber, Sadie and Anderson grow closer every day, while Ethan drifts further away. Concerned about her friend, Sadie confronts Ethan and he admits a game-changing secret. Sadie must decide whether changing the terms of her romantic and platonic relationships are worth the risk of losing them.

Leaning Towards Optimism is contemporary YA. It would appeal to readers of Kasie West’s “The Distance Between Us” and Robin Constantine’s “The Promise of Amazing.” It’s complete at 69,000 words.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[AUTHOR]

THOUGHTS

KAT: I think the largest issue here is the vagueness of the query. We get introduced to a number of characters, but we don’t really get a sense of action or plot. What happens? What are the stakes? What is the path of action leading to possible resolution?

JODI: I agree. We’re missing a sense of urgency and emotional attachment to the characters, which I think is one of the most important things a query needs to do: it needs to make the reader feel connected to the character so the reader cares what happens.

KAT: Yes! Also, I think we’re missing the “why” to a lot of the actions that are listed. We don’t need a lot, but I’m left wondering: Why did Amber dump her best friend? Why is Ethan drifting away? Without knowing the “why,” again, I don’t know the stakes. I assume that the “game-changing secret” is going to be a large part of the plot and stakes, but I’m left wondering what exactly the “game” is.

JODI: Yep. I think understanding the stakes would go a long way toward helping the reader grow closer to the characters. A couple other things that stood out: the rhetorical question at the beginning (I immediately started coming up with my own answer — almost never the writer’s intention, I think) — and the “virtual big brother” which sounded very 1984 and creepy, though I don’t think it was supposed to be. So while this query has a good format — inciting event, game-changing, and characters doing things — I’d like to see it pushed a little further: more focus, attention to alternate meanings for various details, and — like you said — a clearer picture of what is at stake, exactly.

So, there are our thoughts! What do you guys think about this query?

In preparation for our QUERYPALOOZA next week, I (Jodi) dragged out an old how-to post written for WriteOnCon. It was originally posted about four years ago — ages ago in internet time! If you saw it then, wow! If you’re just seeing it for the first time, I hope it’s useful to you!

Next week, Kat and I will be discussing some of the queries we received specifically to post on Pub Crawl. We received a bunch of options (you guys rock!), but we could only choose five for this. We tried to pick the ones we thought would be the most useful for you all to see, which means our choices had nothing to with what we liked and didn’t like (there were so many cool ones!), and everything to do with what we thought would be educational.

So until next week, here’s a little about queries!

YOUR CHANCE TO SHINE:

I like queries. No, I love them. They’re such short, humble things, but their importance is undeniable. Queries are the initial step to nabbing an agent. They’re your first impression, and your best chance at getting an agent to pay attention to you.

Considering how drastically queries can affect careers, it always shocks me when writers carelessly throw something together, assuming it will be adequate. Which is not to say I think people should get worked up over things like margins and which paragraph your wordcount/genre should be in. There’s also no point in trying to find magic offer-of-representation-words. They don’t exist. No, you must query responsibly and realistically.

The purpose of a query is to make someone so interested in reading your manuscript they can’t eat or sleep until they read it. And that’s the tricky part.

KNOWING WHAT TO INCLUDE:

If you don’t already know how to format a query letter, get thee to Google. This post isn’t about what font you use. This post is about how to show the extreme awesomeness of your story.

Beginning a query description can be really intimidating! To get started, answer the following questions:

1. Who is the protagonist and what is their goal? (Motivation.)

2. What is keeping the protag from achieving that goal? (Conflict.)

3. How will the protagonist overcome this problem? (Plot.)

4. What happens if the protagonist fails/what choice does the protagonist have to make? (Stakes, and why the reader should care.)

I can’t give you these answers, but I can help you learn how to turn them into a clear, kick-butt query.

FILLING IN THE BLANKS:

My favorite method of query-writing involves three paragraphs and modifying from there. Sometimes you may find you need four or two paragraphs for the best effect. Be open to change if necessary, but for the purpose of this example, I’m going to use my usual three paragraphs. While you’re reading this, keep in mind the questions above.

Paragraph one: This sentence introduces the character and a goal/problem in a hooky way. This sentence expands on that and explains why it’s so important. This one talks about the character’s great idea to solve their problem. This sentence presents a new problem that complicates their original problem and renders their other solution useless.

Paragraph two: This paragraph is more fluid. It might explain worldbuilding, or tell the reader about interesting situations the character gets into. It will use specific details strong enough to influence the reader’s perception of the story/character/world. It will keep the tension rising, and not veer from the problems introduced in paragraph one. It ends, perhaps, with the character deciding on yet another solution to their problems, or realizing something horrible. It will drag the reader into the final paragraph.

Paragraph three: This sentence introduces a big choice or complication that directly relates to the main problem. The final sentence makes the stakes clear and hooks the reader.

The most important thing is to make the reader care desperately about your character, their situation, and the choices the character will have to make.

A FEW POINTERS:

1. Agents are reading lots of queries very quickly. Make this easy for them. Minimal character and place names. Don’t list multiple plot twists and expect anyone to remember them; it’s a hook, not a synopsis.

2. Focus. Your story may be filled with lots of subplots and secondary characters with their own agendas, and that’s cool, but focus. Main character, main plot. Again, hook. Not a synopsis.

3. Action! Things move forward. Things get worse. Choices are difficult and emotional.

4. Snip. Chop out all extra phrases and scaffolding. Make it fast and easy to read. Stay around 150-200 words.

THINGS YOUR QUERY REVEALS:

Writers are often shocked to find out how much agents can tell about a book based on the query, but if you read a couple dozen of them, then peek at the sample pages, you’d be surprised how much the queries reveal.

1. One of the biggest, most obvious things agents see is an author’s writing skill. Not fair to judge an entire manuscript based on one 200-word description? Think about this: Would you want to read a manuscript if the query was filled with typos, scaffolding, and confusing sentences? I doubt it. But I bet you’d want to read something if the query had smart, snappy writing, or prose that made your heart melt.

And if the writing in your query doesn’t reflect the actual manuscript — see above about folks just whipping something together.

2. Plot — whether you’ve got any, whether it’s like everyone else’s, or whether it has the potential to be awesome.

A query for a manuscript with plot shows conflicts and choices; it will answer the questions above. The query does not list every event and give away the end — save that for the synopsis — but it gives enough specific details to show the agent there’s potential in this. A query without conflict and choices is most likely a query for a manuscript without plot.

As for a plot that’s like someone else’s, how would anyone know? Ah hah. But what is the first thing you think of when you see this: Mylight is about a teenage girl who’s fascinated by the boy who sits next to her in class. Unfortunately, he seems to hate her no matter how hard she tries to be nice. But when he saves her life, she begins to unravel his mystery. He’s a hot supernatural love interest and he’s smitten with her. While he fights the urge to kill her because of his nature, she must convince him that true love is more powerful.

3. Characters and their development. Same thing as above. Great characters stand out in queries. So do Mary Sues. Dull characters will have no motivation, no drive to do anything. Who wants to read about boring characters?

THIS SECTION WILL NOT INCLUDE A NUMBERED LIST:

My favorite thing about queries is that they force you to see what your book is really about. You must look at your manuscript like an outsider, paring it down to its most basic — but biggest — elements. Queries can change how you look at your story, sometimes inspiring amazing revisions. (What if the book your query talks about is way better than the one you wrote?)

You may also find query descriptions useful when beginning a new story. Often queries reveal the most interesting things about a manuscript, and they can help writers focus on those things. If you don’t know where the story is heading, writing the query can help you figure out the stakes and choices your characters will face in the end, giving you somewhere to aim.

So there you have it. I know that’s a lot to take in, but with enough practice, it will be second nature. Read other people’s queries. Participate in different query critiques; there are lots available for free on the internet. Soon you’ll be hooking agents right and left.

Questions? Comments? The floor is yours.