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“Alanna-sama’s gonna help me answer a question about her warrior form from my coolest Jessie’s Letters page! Hi Alanna-sama!”

“Hey Hoshi, what’s up?”

“Okay, we gots this question from ‘Score’ and it says Alanna-sama, your balance is really good right? In Ajan form can you walk in a straight line blindfolded?”

“Alanna can do anything if she has her staff. She’s really fast too!”

“The Quarterseeker’s most powerful ability is that it gives me perfect balance. I don’t have to be able to see to use it’s powers, so yeah, I suppose I could walk straight if I had a blindfold.”

“Okay, so what if, like, you get knocked down? Does that staff keep you from falling?”

“What are you going to knock her down with? She can jump 30 feet in the air from a standing start!”

“Sugoi!”

“Well, let’s just say something runs into her in a fight. Does the staff keep her from falling down?”

“Probably not. It doesn’t make me invincible, but it does allow me to use my speed and quickness in combat without having to worry about momentum pushing me off balance.”

“Slick. If you want to read about Drum Major girl in a tough fight, check out this Chapter from Winterdancer when she beats up like five guys at once. Just plain win.”

“Hooray for Alanna-sama! If you got a question, send e-mail to meeeeee Jessica Hoshi on my Jessie’s Letters page! Ja!”

Author/Illustrator: Tom Tierney

Anyone following the election knows that every Republican nominee had been desperately trying stake claim as the heir apparent to Ronald Reagan. Mitt Romney had the looks, but not the soul. Fred Thompson had the acting chops, but not the stamina. Mike Huckabee had the charm, but not the stature. (I'm not even going to bother with Giuliani and Ron Paul... the rest of the country isn't, why should I?)

Now, for all intents and purposes, there is one GOP candidate left standing: John McCain. And now, thanks to Tierney's book, McCain can actually put on Reagan's clothes and try to convince America that he is Reagan's true successor.

Though I don't see it happening. Reagan's greatest asset was his gift as an orator--he was such a great speaker that he fooled the country into thinking that a silly idea like Trickle-down economics made sense. As for McCain, his speeches sound about as convincing as a 4th grader reading the book report that his mom wrote for him.

But still, let's take a look at how McCain might conjure the spirit of Reagan to convince America that he is as paper-thin as the Gipper himself.

Straight Shootin' John McCain

I am the candidate that is not afraid to tell it like it is. I shoot straight from the hip. I drive the Straight Talk Express. And the straight truth is that despite my better judgment, I have no choice but to pander to my party's base in order to secure the Republican nomination.

If that means supporting the Bush tax cuts, so be it. If it means fudging my stance on torture, why not? If it means denouncing evolution, bring it on! In fact, if I did see a dinosaur, I would shoot it dead and serve it at my next fundraiser to prove just how straight I can shoot... at whatever it is the base wants me to take aim at.



Damage Control McCain

What, this picture? I've told you already that Ms. Iseman and I are merely acquaintances. I am saddened and frustrated by the obvious liberal media bias being perpetuated by the New York Times.

I also find it comical--if a bit flattering--that anyone would believe that a man of my age would still have any sexual impulses left. Because my friends, let me assure you... when it comes to little John McCain, he's been little John McCan't for some time now.


Bedtime for Bonzo McCain

My friends, we live in dangerous times. We must take care not to let our guard down lest we allow the terrorists to win. Just like Ronald Reagan held firm when caring for an unruly chimpanzee named Bonzo, I, as your Commander In Chief vow to accept the challenge and stare the great ape of terrorism in the eye. And trust me my friends, I won't be the first to blink.

The Democrats don't have the backbone to put Bonzo to bed. But I assure you, the American people, that when I am President, I will not rest until we get the monkey of terror off our backs and we put the issue to bed once and for all.


When I consider the prospect of another neglectful Democratically-led country, I think back to something the great Ronald Reagan once told me. He told me, "Johnny, whether you're babysitting a chimp or battling terrorists, you can be sure of one thing: If you turn your back for even one second, you are going to get feces thrown at you." So America, the choice is yours: do you want to get feces thrown at you? I didn't think so.

Author/Illustrator: David Wiesner

That's right, it's Tuesday. But not just any Tuesday... it's SUPER TUESDAY. And Wiesner's masterpiece, which features a night of flying frogs, is oddly appropriate on this day. How so? Not just because the title is Tuesday, but because Wiesner's surrealist vision asks us to challenge the boundaries of what we believe is possible. And isn't that kind of the point of this whole process? It's Tuesday, a chance to imagine the world as you would like to see it and to cast your vote accordingly.

For a minute, allow yourself to imagine a world that has finally woken from the nightmare that is the Bush Administration and consider where we go from here. So, if you are in one of the 24 states participating in this political royal rumble, determine which candidate's policies, vision, and leadership speaks to you and most closely matches your hopes and dreams for this country... and then whether by car, bike, foot, or lily pad, get yourself to the polls and cast your vote.

Because it's Tuesday, and anything is possible.

[The following is a partial transcript from the presentation, "From the Belly of the Beast: The Metaphysical in Children's Literature". The presentation discussed Kevin Sherry's I'm the Biggest Thing in the Ocean and was part of the 28th Annual Conference on Comparative Children's Literature hosted by the University of Florida's Center for Children's Literature and Culture. Per their request, the speakers names have been removed from the record.]

Speaker 1: It is my contention that Sherry's Giant Squid represents a modernized heroic ideal. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, it opens with a giant squid proudly proclaiming that he is, in fact, big. He then proceeds on a tour of the ocean, pointing out that he is bigger than clams, those fish, these fish, that shark, etc., etc. In a sudden twist of fate, the squid is swallowed up by a blue whale. Rather than be defeated by this unforeseen turn of events, the squid bravely exclaims, "I am the biggest thing in this whale!" We should all be so strong of character. This unwavering optimism in the face of overwhelming adversity is the only heroic response to the uncertainty of the human condition. To stare death, doubt, and obsurity in the eye and proclaim, "I am!" That is the modern definition of heroism.

Speaker 2: Pardon my French, but Bulls--t! This is exactly the kind of wanderlusting and daydreamy wimpering that is watering down today's intellectual landscape. The giant squid is no hero, he is the anti-hero, indicative of all that is fundamentally wrong with the human condition. The story starts out innocently enough, with the squid asserting that he is "big". Okay, fine. Unfortunately, he is not content to leave it at that. He is compelled to go through the ocean lording his size over the other beings unfortunate enough to cross his path. The squid's need to demean others in order to assert his dominance highlights is the one of the tragic flaws of humanity. Our species-wide insecurity leads to a compulsive need to establish/impose social hierarchy, often through the use of force. This is why our historical record is no more than an unending parade of war and death. It is why the pursuit of any kind of utopian ideal is ultimately an exercise in futility.

Speaker 1: I believe my esteemed colleague is suffering from the "Glass is Half Empty" Syndrome. [crowd laughter] Now if--

Speaker 2: The glass is not half empty! My whole point is that there is no glass! We have created the myth of a divine "glass" that holds existence together, but the sad truth is that there is nothing there. The glass is an illusion that we have created for ourselves in order to go on with our sad and pathetic lives. We are afraid to face the fact that, without a glass, we are just a sad puddle of coincidence just waiting for someone to come by and clean up the mess.

Speaker 1: Are you finished? If you'll allow me to continue, Ladies and gentlemen, [Speaker 2]'s brand of pessimistic logic is exactly why we need a hero like the Giant Squid. Once swallowed by the whale, the Squid does not surrender, he merely takes a moment to compose himself, makes the best of the situation, and maintains his triumphant spirit. If you, [Speaker 2] were faced with that same situation, perhaps you would lay down your arms, proclaim the futility of it all, and resign yourself to float, adrift in a cess pool of your agnosticism and solipsistic self pity... but where is the heroism in that? No, the heroic response is to scream defiantly into the echo chamber of the heavens, if for no other reason than to hear the reaffirming sound of your own voice calling back to you. Optimism may be a grand illusion, but it is our best weapon against existential futility and tragic resignation.

Speaker 2: Do you really buy this junk? This squid is not a modern day hero, he is a modern day Don Quixote, a self-delusional, albeit endearing, nincompoop whose flawed logic only leads to his own destruction. Did you ever wonder why he was swallowed by the whale? It was karmic retribution for his own hubris. And how does he respond to this divine slice of humble pie? It barely phases him. He is incapable of learning his lesson or any lesson for that matter. He merely readjusts the terms of success in order to suit his needs. This is the kind of moral relativism that undermines the most sacred treasures of our humanity: our sense of right and wrong. In fact, you know who the squid reminds me of? One George--

Speaker 1: Oh please, let's not go down that road...

Speaker 2: W. Bush! Like our misguided squid, George W. Bush follows his path of perceived greatness, his self-proclaimed largesse dragging the country, nay the world, on his imperial march into the quagmire that is this neverending misadventure in Iraq. And faced with adversity, he merely changes the rules of the game as he goes along. First, we invaded because we had to get rid of WMDs. When those were nowhere to be found, he declared Iraq to be an exercise in sowing the seeds of democracy in the Middle East. When that turned out to be a failure, he lowers his bar for success yet again, redefining success as a decrease in the number of daily car bombs. Can't you see people?! I am the walrus, George Bush is the squid!

Speaker 1: I think we're just about out of time. I'd like to thank everyone for coming and--

Speaker 2: I'm not done yet! You can try to silence me, but you can't silence the truth! What are you afraid of, [Speaker 1]? What, were you a member of Skull and Bones in college with Bush?

Speaker 1: I think that's quite enough. Security, can you please help [Speaker 2] to his seat?

Speaker 2: The squid is the tragic figure of our times! We must learn from his mistakes! We are not the biggest thing in the ocean! Excuse me, what are you doing? Are you arresting me? What are you arresting me for? Is everybody watching this? Hey, get your hands off me, what are you doing? What's going on? We are not the biggest thing in this whale! We are--what, are you arresting me?! What did I do? Help! Help! Help! Are you kidding me? I am the biggest thing at this convention! Get away from me!

Speaker 1: Folks, Folks, I think if we all just calm down, this situation [unintelligible].

Speaker 2: Help! Help! What did I do? What did I do? Hey, don't tase me, bro! I am the biggest thing in the OWWWWWW!!!! OWWWWWWWW!!!! OWWWWWWW!!!! What did I do...? What did I do...?

--end of transcript--

[For a video clip of this presentation, click here. For a complete transcript of the discussion or any other forums during the 28th Annual Conference on Comparative Children's Literature, or to send presentation proposals for next year's conference, email [email protected].]

Note: For the record, despite Speaker 2's opinion, we at Bottom Shelf Books loved this book. In fact, we walked around the apartment shouting, "I'M THE BIGGEST THING IN THE OCEAN!" for about a month after reading it.

Author/Illustrator: Adam Relf

An adorable little fox wants a friend, so he decides to go out and catch one. His mother quickly corrects him and tells him that you don't catch friends, you make friends.

The fox takes this literally and goes out and builds a friend out of an apple and some sticks. Unfortunately, his apple-headed friend is incredibly boring and doesn't play well with others. Soon a few other animals from the forest show up and they all decide to help the fox make a friend. By the end, in the process of making friends, they have inadvertently become friends. Awww... In lesser hands, this could have been extremely cheezy, but Relf's illustrations are so soul squeezingly adorable, that it works really well.

Relf's book also works because it is a rather astute commentary on the difficulty of forging friendships. Indeed, it is rare for people to directly say "Hey, let's be friends." The more common method is to engage in an activity through which social relations and friendships are built... just as Fox and his buddies build a relationship while working on a project together, most people today make friends through activities such as happy hours, book clubs, or sports.

Sports are a great way to make friends (especially for guys who are typically less comfortable with their emotions) because it allows for the development of camraderie and emotionally significant relationships through a socially acceptable venue. Strong friendships are developed on the playing field and emotional barriers are slowly broken down. (Where else do guys pat eachother on the butt without a second thought?) The sports world creates a useful context upon which friendships can be cultivated and eventually thrive off the field as well.

Sports is such a powerful unifying force that it can extend well beyond the realm of individual friendships and into the global politics. The most startling example is the Iraqi national soccer team, who recently beat Saudi Arabia to win the Asia Cup. This victory prompted throngs of Iraqi citizens to take to the streets in celebration. Shiites and Sunnis rejoiced together, chanting "One Iraq!"

From Harper's: "Sport brings us together while the heads of everything in Baghdad can't bring us together for five years," said one reveler. "If the Iraqi football team ruled us, peace would spread in our home."


Indeed, it appears that where diplomacy and military occupation have failed, soccer has triumphed. Sport may prove to be the best hope yet for quelling the tragic sectarian violence that has been consuming Iraqi cities for years now.

Seizing this unprecented momentum, President Bush finally heeds the country's call for a change of strategy in Iraq and commissioned the conservative think tank, The Heritage Foundation, to produce the following top secret policy initiative:
















The report, called "A Kick in the Balls: Soccer as a Strategy For Ending the Conflict in Iraq" is an attempt to capitalize on the transcendent power of sport as a means of redeveloping a sense of national pride and peaceful coexistence between warring factions in Iraq. The report, which will be delivered to the President early next week includes the following recommendations:



1) Replace the Department of Defense with the Major League Soccer All-Star team.








2) Cut off all ties with new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and announce that all diplomatic relations with Great Britain will now go through David Beckham.





3) Preemptively commute the sentence of NBA official Tim Donaghy (who is under investigation for rigging games). Put him in charge of officiating for all future soccer matches to ensure that Iraq will always emerge victorious.




4) Pressure the international community to name Pele as the new Secretary General of the United Nations.







5) Appoint Brandi Chastain as the successor to Tony Snow for the position of White House Press Secretary. If anyone questions the president's latest strategy, she will be instructed to take off her top as a diversion. If that doesn't work, she will kick Helen Thomas in the face and shout, "Anybody else want some?!"








6) Request that French president Nicolas Sarkozy lend the services of soccer legend Zinedane Zidane to the Iraq War so that he can serve as a one man army to secure Anbar province.





Surprisingly, this drastic new strategy will garner support in both political parties. Democrats will support the initiative because shifting from a military based occupation to a soccer based occupation will allow them to bring our troops home sooner rather than later (and reverse their sinking standing in the public opinion polls).

Republicans and the White House will support the plan because no one in the United States really pays attention to soccer, so interest in Iraq will quickly evaporate. The less attention on the war, the better off the Republican Party. Soon (to the delight of the embattled Bush administration), CNN will stop covering it all together and the only place you will be able to get updates on the war will be ESPN Deportes.

Mission Accomplished? GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Note: This strategy will not bring an immediate end to all violence. During this past week's celebration, 4 people were killed by celebratory gun fire (which tragically, is a low casualty rate in present-day Iraq). A key component to the success of this plan will be providing the Iraqi population with free bottles of celebratory champagne so that the worst injuries will be limited to the occasional cork to temple.