Hello My Dear Blog Friends:
I thought I would steal a moment just to stop in and say hi and to let you know that I'm still lurking.
My mom is here at my home, on hospice. She's in the last stages of this hideous disease and most likely won't be around too much longer. Her hospice nurse was here today, which is very comforting for me. I absolutely love him. He's so compassionate and kind.
I am hoping to grab a tiny bit of normalcy along the way. Maybe a blog here and there or a picture of my garden every once in awhile. At this point, all I can do is take one day at a time.
I miss my predictible mornings, sitting at the computer savouring a cup of coffee. I much prefer that to changing adult diapers, but alas, my immediate calling is unpleasant and nightmarish and surreal. I still "drink" my 2 morning coffees, but savouring isn't part of it.
So...I'm still here, trying desperately not to be bitter and angry, but at times, I'm failing. I've done this already with my dad, only 4 -1/2 years ago. I witnessed his last breath and I'm still whirling from that. Most importantly is keeping my mom comfortable and pain free. I can absolutely step up and be everything that she needs me to be, but inside, I feel ugly.
Until The Next Time:
Kim
Garden Painter Art
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By: Garden Painter Art,
on 7/30/2007
Blog: Garden Painter Art (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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By: Garden Painter Art,
on 7/25/2007
Blog: Garden Painter Art (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: PBC, Primary Biliary Cirrhosis, Add a tag
Good Morning:
It's been quite a while since I've had the time to sit down and blog. I've been dealing with my mom's health problem lately and it's "progressing" in the typical way that this disease "progresses". My mom has a form of non-alcohol induced Cirrhosis. Technically it's called Primary Biliary Cirrhosis. It's one of the many autoimmune diseases and it typically hits women. 9 out of 10 "PBC" patients are women. There is no cure. There are medicines that can slow the process and, when the disease is diagnosed at an earlier stage, transplantation is commonly in order. There are 4 stages to this disease and my mom is in the end of stage 4. She is almost 80 and transplantation is not an option. Although she's probably had this disease for years, it wasn't diagnosed in time to do much to help her.
Until yesterday, she was still functioning at a basic level on her own and living in her cute little apartment. But...she took a fall and I ran over and opted to call 911. I knew that she was becoming more symptomatic, but I wanted her to live as long as she could on her own. The fall was actually a very good thing, as she didn't hurt herself terribly, a bad scrape on the arm, but it gave me the perfect opportunity to call 911 and get her to the hospital. And...the hospital is where she's at now. She's bleeding internally, which is one of the symptoms of end stage PBC. Due to the bleeding, she's extremely anemic, so they gave her two bags of blood yesterday and I'm still waiting to talk to the Dr.
Whether this is the end or not is yet to be seen. Part of me just simply wishes she would go to sleep and not wake up. I hate blood and needles and pain and I hate seeing her hooked up to all the needles and tubes. The end result will be death anyway, so, wouldn't it be the best to just fall asleep and not have to endure the prodding and poking of the health care professionals? If she's released from the hospital, my home will become a hideous nightmare of sickness and hospice nurses. I know because I've already lived it when my dad passed away. He died in my home, on hospice. It was difficult for my kids and I don't want them to go through it again. One day at a time, I suppose, is the only way I can live right now.
This morning will be filled with phone calls to all of her folks in Northwest Arkansas. Then off to the hospital to see what's going on.
To the few of you who already knew about this situation, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and kind emails. You know who you are!
I'll keep you posted as often as I can.
Kim
Garden Painter Art
You may feel ugly inside...but you are truly beautiful for helping your mom pass in a loving environment.
I'm thinking about you and send lots of love your way, Kim.
Kim, as you know I had my Mom here at the cottage on hospice - 21 months ago now. Because my Mom and I had such an incredible relationship it was the hardest thing I ever went through.
There is one point I would like to make. I told everyone who came in our door -- Mom came home to LIVE, and we are here to celebrate her life and not talk about her like she is gone already. There will be tough moments - but we will also fill this home with laughter and love...because those were the gifts Mom gave us. Kim, I say this because it changed the attitude of everyone who entered. No one knows how much longer you have with your Mom -- let her LIVE until she passes on - and all of you need to celebrate each day you have with her.
Make time, perhaps while sipping your coffee to just sit by her side -- saying nothing, just holding her hand. You will never regret it.
Kim, I cannot begin to comprehend what you must be going through now. My heart and prayers go out to you and to your mom. Enjoy and celebrate these last few days or weeks with her. It is a gift. Alot of people never know when their loved ones are going to be take away and so never have the opportunity to say goodbye. Make the most of yours. Sending lots of love, support and prayers your way.
Kim - you can do it. Really.
you are not ugly in or out...you have feelings...accept them...i imagine that you a scared...i would certainly be...you need care now also...so take time to care for yourself...if just a few moments a day...walk outside and breathe...raise your arms to the sky...and feel the embrace of the sun...blessings, rebecca
My thoughts and prayers are with your both.
You are beautiful and doing a beautiful thing, no matter how ugly IT all seems and how bitter and resentful you may feel. I wen't through a similiar situation with my mom 5 years ago and I know it's not easy. Hang in there and be kind to yourself too! Hugs...bj
comoh kim.. you dont know just what a beautiful loving soul you are..
this must be so tough..i can't even begin to imagine.. please know im keeping you in my thoughts and prayers..
xoxx
sandy
keep strong, and know that our best wishes are with you:)
xxx
Hey, Kim...
I've been pretty much MIA from the blog scene recently, but, I wanted to stop by and read what's new with you.
I am so sorry about your mother! Know that you have many friends who are praying for you and your family.
You're a sweet, wonderful, and very beautiful lady, and I'm proud to know you as an artist, friend and fellow blogger!
Blessings to you!
Penny :)
Kim...I did not know that this was happening in your life and had wondered why I hadn't seen your fabulous artwork around.
My heart goes out to you, hon. I have been thru this same experience and I have some idea of how you must feel. My best wishes for you and your Mom. Enjoy these days as best you can and remember the good times.
Love you, honey.......