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Author/Illustrator: Don Freeman

This is the classic tale of a department store bear who goes out in search of his missing button. In the process, he finds more than a button... he finds friendship and discovers the power of love.

Re-reading this heartwarming book tickles the little nostalgia bone in even the most hardened souls out there. Not only because of Corduroy's triumph, but because the story hearkens back to a simpler time, a Golden Age for Toys... long before things started to go horribly and profoundly wrong.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when the downward spiral began, but there is no denying that the Age of Innocence is now no more than a distant memory.

Key Moments in the Descending Decency of Toys

Chucky: Not only did this bloodthirsty doll strike fear in children everywhere with its campy gore, but it somehow managed to spawn a lengthy Child's Play series, extending Chucky's reign of terror into the present day.



Left: Seed of Chucky. The low point of pop culture? The low point of all culture? The low point, period?








Tickle Me Elmo: Tyco somehow convinces the world that toys possessed by the devil would be perfect for Christmas.



Left: Comes with free exorcism kit, complete with vial of (faux) holy water. The power of Big Bird compels you!






Toy-tal Recall: Mattel recalls millions of toys because a manufacturer in China used dangerous lead paint... proving that dolls don't have to come alive and wield sharp knives to be deadly.




Left: Barbie. Apparently, her looks can kill.











Threat Level Tonka: The Transportation Security Administration announces that they will start paying extra attention to all radio-controlled toys in airports because they can be used to detonate bombs.



Left: Weapons of Fast Destruction: Batteries Not Included






And then, just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, last week came this latest sordid bit of news:

MR. POTATO HEAD IN ECSTASY BUST: "Customs officers discovered nearly 10.5 ounces of ecstasy tablets hidden inside a Mr. Potato Head toy sent to Australia from Ireland, the agency said Thursday."

















Oh dear.

Yes this is tragic... but deep down, didn't we all see this coming? After his surprising success in Toy Story and Toy Story 2, it was only a matter of time before Potato Head was swept up by the wave of his newfound celebrity.

First came the funky hipster glasses, then the pretentious moustache, and then smuggling a body cavity filled with MDMA across international borders. According to an unconfirmed source, police searched Potato Head's luggage and found a box of glowsticks, 5 cartons of lollipops, and 26 extra smile accessories. Though this is the first time he was caught by the police, Potato Head has been seen living it up with Hollywood's party elite for months now. Next month's US Weekly will have the exclusive exposé, Mr. Potato Head: Lovable Spud or "Raving" Lunatic?


Left: Paparazzi capture a shot of Mr. Potato Head at a rave in downtown L.A.






So as you can see, between the War on Terror and the Bowels of Hollywood, toys have long abandoned the idyllic shelves of the Rockwell-era department stores. Since then, they have traveled down a dark and twisted path to a point where they can no longer be trusted, let alone loved.

So what now? Is there any hope?

Well, let me tell you a story. Long ago, a brave little bear named Corduroy set off into the unknown in search of his lost button. Now it's our turn to follow in his footsteps. Are we brave enough to march into the void to search for our lost innocence, not knowing what we might find?



Heck NO! No, we are NOT brave enough for that! Retreat! RETREAT!!!

Author: Ann McGovern
Illustrator: Simms Taback

Peter thinks his house is too noisy, so he goes to the local wise man to complain. The wise man suggests that he get a cow. Predictably, the cow makes things even noisier. Peter continues to go back to the wise man, who continues to suggest that he get yet another animal. Soon Peter's house is filled with noisy beasts and is louder than ever.

Peter makes one final visit to this so-called wise man. This time, the wise man suggests that Peter get rid of all the animals. Peters does so and suddenly his house seems peaceful and quiet.

Aha! The wise man's tactic is revealed: Instead of decreasing the noise level, he recommended a temporary sonic escalation so that when the house is returned to its original noise level, it will seem quiet... and Peter will quit his whining and be content with the status quo.

Does this sound at all familiar?

It should, because the Bush administration employed the exact same strategy in an attempt to quiet a disgruntled Congress.

Last November, a newly elected Democratic Congress was clamoring for troop withdrawals in Iraq. How did the President respond? Instead of reducing troops, he called for a surge in troops. Wha?!

Then just last week, following the highly-anticipated testimony of General David Patraeus, Bush made an announcement to the county. He was finally going to begin withdrawing troops in Iraq. This would restore troop numbers to (you guessed it) pre-surge levels.

Tricky bastard! Not only that, but he was bold enough to add that "the way forward I have described tonight makes it possible for the first time in years, for people who have been on opposite sides of this difficult debate to come together."

Nice try, but it will take a lot more than this political sleight-of-hand to fool anyone. Congress saw right through this ploy. Senator Carl Levin immediately made a statement saying that "[President Bush's Plan] creates and provides an illusion of change in an effort to take the wind out of the sails of those of us who want to truly change course in Iraq."

Bush's Too Much Noise strategy isn't going to work because unlike him, we are not idiots. Also, Washington D.C. is gearing up for a presidential election. Which means Karl Rove will win Miss Teen USA before Bush gets members of Congress to stop talking.

If there's one lesson we can all take with us to the grave, it's that in our nation's capital there there will always be too Much NOISE!

Author: Sam McBratney
Illustrator: Anita Jeram

This classic is one of those quietly perfect books, a true masterpiece where the tone, pacing, and illustrations hit the right note each time. In it, Little Nutbrown Hare and Big Nutbrown Hare go back and forth telling the other one how much they love eachother, playfully trying to outdo the other.

Little Nutbrown Hare uses his arms, legs, toes, and whatever else he has at his disposal (i.e. "I love you as high as I can reach,"). It is the nature of love that we use whatever we can find to demonstrate it. For those of us who are artistically inclined, it may come in the form of a painting or a drawing. Or if you fancy yourself a writer, then maybe you'd write a beautiful love poem.

Or if you happen to be one of the greatest rock guitarists to ever live, I guess you'd write an immortal song. Check out this unbelievable story I read in The Week:

Pattie Boyd (left) inspired two rock 'n' roll legends to create their most beautiful music. In 1969, her husband, George Harrison, wrote his biggest hit, "Something," for her. A year later, their good friend Eric Clapton drew her aside. "He played me the most powerful, moving song I had ever heard," Boyd tells the London Daily Mail, "It was 'Layla,' about a man who fall hopelessly in love with a woman who loves him but is unavailable. He played it to me two or three times, all the while watching my face intently for my reaction. My first thought was, 'Oh God, everyone's going to know this is about me.'"

Boyd had rebuffed Clapton, but he kept trying, and told Harrison, "Man, I'm in love with your wife." One night, Clapton arrived at Harrison's house drunk, and the two men decided to fight over Boyd--with music. "George handed him a guitar and an amp, as an 18th-century gentleman might have handed his rival a sword, and for two hours, without a word, they dueled. The air was electric and the music exciting."

Wow. Can someone PLEASE build a time machine now? If only to go back and record that epic guitar duel between the two drunken masters and post it on YouTube for the rest of us to see, it would be worth it.

Oh and how does the story end? Well... you know that lyric from Something that goes:

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover

Apparently her smile doesn't know shit, because "A year later, Boyd left Harrison when she realized he was sleeping with Ringo Starr's wife. She wound up in Clapton's arms."

At first I was going to accuse Harrison of lyrical misrepresentation, but then I realized that he didn't actually lie. Check the lyric again: I don't need no other lover... I'll be damned! That cunning linguist tricked us all with a double negative! (If he doesn't need no other lover... that means that he does need an other lover... right?)

Moral of the story: It's time to stop guessing how much they love you and time to go back and check all your old love letters for grammatical loopholes before you find yourself in for some hard day's nights.

Author/Illustrator: Tomie dePaola

This is dePaola's classic story that revolves around an old woman and her wonderful pot. (No, it's not about Courtney Love). Strega Nona is the village medicine woman who has a magic pot that, when the right words are spoken, produces pasta. To stop the pot, she recites another spell... and blows three kisses.

Her goofball of an apprentice (Big Anthony) jealously watches Strega Nona casting her spell over the pot, but misses the 3 kisses part. This lack of attention to detail soon leads to some Sorcerer's Apprentice-like mayhem (Note: the Sorcerer's Apprentice was not originally written by Walt Disney).

One day, Strega Nona goes out of town and leaves Big Anthony in charge. Of course, he goes out and tells everyone about the magic pot and then casts the spell, unleashing the magical pasta producing power of the pot and curing everyone's case of the munchies. Big Anthony is the man of the hour!

Unfortunately, Big Anthony doesn't know how to properly shut down the pot and it begins to boil over. A dangerous wave of noodles threatens to bury the entire village. Now everyone hates Big Anthony. That's life in the public eye for you. One minute you're on top of the world, the next minute you're being chased by an angry mob and thrown into a jail cell with Lindsay Lohan.

In the mid 80's, a community theater in Woodstock, Vermont gained national attention for their politically charged interpretation of dePaola's story. Critics flocked to this tiny hippie hamlet to see the play, which had re-imagined the story as a parable about the prevalent economic policy of the times: Reaganomics. The play was called Streganomics.



Left: A scene from Streganomics with Scott Robinski (middle) playing the Reagan-inspired character of Big Anthony, a generically handsome but bumbling doofus.






In the play, the director compares Big Anthony's short-sighted attempt to wield the power of the magic pot to the conservative party's unwaverying belief in the power of the free market. (In a particularly brutal pun, the directors replaced trickle-down economics with boil-over kitchenomics. There's a reason you've never heard of this play.)

Just as the pasta pot dangerously boils over, the U.S. economy eventually spins out of control. The economy takes on a life of its own and ushers in an era of unparrelled economic stratification. People always seem to overlook the fact that the market does not have a moral compass built in. Therefore, it should not be relied upon to magically set our social guidelines. The market must be regulated to some extent in order for it to reflect the morals of our society.

Just like Magic, Capitalism isn't inherently evil (as some zealots will tell you), but it's not inherently good either, and therefore its power must be wielded with wisdom and restraint... two qualities of which many politicians (on both sides of the aisle) are notoriously lacking.

In the book, Strega Nona returns to find the city under seige by pasta. She utters the magic words and blows the three kisses to bring the starchy surge to a halt. In the play, however, all does not end so well... Strega Nona doesn't come back.

The play casts Strega Nona as an exalted FDR figure, and her magic of containment is meant to represent the wisdom of the New Deal. However, just as the egalitarian principles behind the New Deal seem like a distant memory, Strega Nona's unique ability to put a lid on the magic pot is lost forever and it appears that the rising tide of pasta is irreversible.

Several people take the helm from Big Anthony, but no one has the courage to utter the magic words that might stem the tide... words such as, "progressive tax code," or "increased corporate regulation." The curtain drops with the citizens of the town buried under a sea of pasta and Big Anthony being airlifted by a private jet and flown off into the sunset.


Note: In the widely overlooked sequel, Strega Nona Meets Her Match, a mysterious stranger appears with a magic fondue pot. Lightning strikes and the two instantly fall head over heels in love. They join forces and with their two magical pots create an unending supply of Macaroni and Cheese, transforming their village into heaven on earth. Now THAT is what I call a happy ending.

Author/Illustrator: Dr. Seuss

This is Seuss's classic warning against the devastating effect of unchecked industrialism on the environment. What people often miss is that the book also sends a strong word of caution to budding environmentalists. Yes, The Lorax warns against overdevelopment and big business. But it also warns against the folly of misguided idealism in the environmentalist movement.

Our tragic hero, the Lorax, speaks for the trees... unfortunately, he does so with a "voice that was sharpish and bossy." Despite his noble intentions, his efforts are ineffective because of his methods. A good message can do more harm than good if it is delivered the wrong way. Specifically, beware of the "holier-than-thou" attitude which is off-putting to even the most sympathetic among us.

Is this still relevant decades after the publication of The Lorax? Painfully YES, as it is officially Canvassing Season in Washington D.C. Seriously, I can barely walk down one city block without being approached by 5 or 6 people in matching t-shirts and clipboards saying, "Do you have a minute to stop global warming?" or "Do you care about the environment?!"

Do I have a minute to stop global warming? Yes, but I only have 30 minutes to run out and grab lunch!

Do I care about the environment?! Of course I do, but I know you are going to ask me to make a financial contribution and unfortunately I am bleeding debt from every orifice. I can't save the environment by giving you money I don't have. So when I tell you that I'm sorry and can't afford it right now, you can keep your guilt trip to yourself... and don't you dare follow me down the street unless you want me to leave my carbon footprint on your ass.

Don't get me wrong, I admire the cause and their youthful idealism... but there has to be a better way to raise money and awareness. The inconvenient truth is that harrassing people in the street on their lunch break is going to turn more people off than on. The Lorax learned this lesson too late to save the Truffula Trees... don't make the same mistake he did!

The following comment gave me an idea:

Liz said...

What? This book is more like a slasher film in the sense that it gives me nightmares. I don't care how much my mother loves me, the day she shows up at my window with a ladder is the day i have her declared incompetent and put her in the home.

Love You Forever as a slasher film? Brilliant! In the extended film version, once the mother passes away, the son goes off the deep end. Unable to live in a world without his mother, he leaves his family, moves to the countryside, and opens up a roadside motel. The son's name? Norman Bates. The deranged Bates mans the front desk with a smile, but in private he wears his mother's clothes and softly sings to himself,

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."

The more I think about it, the more I think this movie must be made. Love You Forever naturally lends itself to a merger with Hitchcock's Psycho. Is it inevitable that Munsch's young boy raised by a bizarre mother turns into cross-dressing murderer? No. Would it surprise you if he did? Double No.

The director of this film would naturally be Todd Solondz, who specializes in dysfunctional families and giving people the creeps. (If you don't know what I mean, watch Happiness... possibly the most unsettling movie I've ever seen.)

Note: While I recognize the creepiness of Love You Forever, I still stand by my original assertion that it is a tear jerker. As is Psycho (he loved his mother so much!)... so if you go to see Love You Forever: The Movie, you better bring a box of tissues with you.

Sundance, here we come!

Author: Roald Dahl

One of my childhood favorites is coming to the big screen and in spectacular fashion. Wes Anderson (director of Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums) is teaming up with the stop-animation guru Henry Selick (The Nightmare Before Christmas) to bring Fantastic Mr. Fox to a theater near you. As if that wasn't enough, George Clooney and Kate Blanchett have already signed on as the voices for Mr. and Mrs. Fox. Fantastic indeed! It'll be interesting to see Roald Dahl filtered through Anderson's quirky lens. Question is... how will Mr. Fox look in a beret?

Side Note: Anderson has a history of resurrecting the stagnant careers of veteran actors, rescuing them from the twilight of Hollywood obscurity. In Rushmore, Anderson allows Bill Murray to reinvent himself by playing a petty but endearing middle-aged man who battles a high school student for the affections of a moderately attractive elementary school teacher. In The Royal Tenenbaums, Anderson breathes life back into Gene Hackman's career, giving him the role of a deeply flawed patriarch seeking redemption.

Who will be the next fading star to be graced by Anderson's rejuvenating touch? I'm hoping that it is Chevy Chase, who has been in a steady downward spiral since Caddyshack (not counting his brief resurgence in Three Amigos!). I foresee him displaying a subtle grace as the conflicted farmer who reluctantly matches wits with the clever Mr. Fox by day, but spends his nights reading Samuel Beckett by candlelight and listening to Elliot Smith b-sides.

I'm not rooting for Chevy Chase because I'm a particularly huge fan. I'm rooting for Chevy Chase because I'm afraid that if he doesn't land the part, he will sink into a deep depression and botox himself into oblivion... or worse, host National Bingo Night on ABC.

B-I-N-G-Oh dear lord, is that really the best idea for a show you could come up with?