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Fantasy is suffering these days from excessive anthropomorphism of supernatural beings. Immortal, powerful, fallen angels can't do a simple thing like locate an infant? Why didn't they just watch when Kayli's parents stowed her on earth, the way I did the other day when my cat caught a bird and then headed for my bedroom window with the carcass in its mouth (I overthrew his scheme)? And why do the guardians need to take human form and move in next door? Can't they hover unseen -- and undetected by Kayli's hormones -- and ward off enemies?

Another problem with a lot of these fantasy queries is bad mythology. As far as I know, the only people whose belief system included both angels and witches were heterodox Christians who hated women. Once you've accepted angels, the witches have to go.

I really think that GTP plot #4 is the only hit novel in the entire GTP list.

You're going to want to change the title to avoid confusion with a famous movie about C. S. Lewis.

The tone is mostly confusing to me, at least partly because I can't figure out why fallen angels want to fight against evil.

Seems to like time to put this through the logic filter again. Illogical plots work best when the crazy logic is motivated and serves a literary purpose. Here, it sounds a bit blundery.

I thought this sounded cute and fun when I started reading the query. The last couple paragraphs made it sound a lot more serious. What's the actual tone of the book? Does it have a sudden mood shift in it too?

Eric, thank you for the heads-up on the title. I changed the title and the characters' names for this query.

As for the other comments so far, I'm having fun reading your thoughts on literature and anthropomorphism.

This is an *erotic urban fantasy* targeted for e-publishing. I think those readers may be willing to suspend disbelief and put the philosophical debates aside for the sake of sex and violence.

Please don't change titles when submitting a query, people. If you fear that revealing your title will somehow come back to haunt you, just declare that it's a secret, thus saving minions the time and effort expended thinking up fake plots for a title that doesn't exist.

Erotic urban fantasy? My guess was Christian fantasy for middle grade and/or young adult.

In other words, readers of e-books are expected to put up with any old shit. So why waste our time trying to improve it?

Are these two guys living next door to her fallen angels? That's the usual explanation for beings with magical powers dealing in magic and witchcraft stuff. If that's true then these are Nephalim and you need to handle that baggage.

Sorry about the title, EE. I am newer to this site and I didn't realize that was a no-no. Your comments on this critique were very helpful and I hope to incorporate those changes into the new draft.

Buffy Squirrel: I was mostly joking (yes, in a slightly snarky way) about "sex and violence" in e-publishing, but there are certain erotica e-publishers who are currently looking for the unconventional pairing of erotica and urban fantasy.

These are shorter books, meant for an audience who wants a liberal dose of sex and a fast-paced story. Sometimes plot suffers, but I am grateful for any holes in the plot that were uncovered by the minions today.

Rest assured, trying to improve my writing is something I work on every day. There is no other reason I would put my work out there to be judged like I did with this query.

Lastly, the most helpful comments (even if I need thicker skin to deal with the delivery) were those that pointed out an inconsistency in my tone. I agree, and I'll work on that.

Thank you for your insight, fellow EE followers.

Arhooley, you are quite wrong. Many groups believe in both angels & witches. Whether or not they are both considered to be on the same side is open to question.

A bigger problem I am having is the Worst Witch cliche, which is overdone to the point of instant rejection. It would be far better if she were a weak but still viable witch, who has allies rather than protectors.

Since I'm also fairly new to this site, I just want to weigh in and say anonymous ain't me.

Also that Dave F., your photo makes me smile. It always looks as if you are peering around the door, offering your comments.

There seems to also be a fantasy series called Shadowlands, but that's neither here nor there since it's not the real title. (As for the query, I can say nothing. It's just not the kinda thing I'd ever read.)

The author is correct, she did put herself out there for help. And, I've been there and then went back and went back.

So kudos to the author. However, I would caution him/her that I don't think anyone is being dishonest or malicious. I certainly would pay attention when there is a consensus.

Keep an open mind, once you step back, it doesn't sting so much. Keep what helps and leave the rest.

That being said, I would suggest leaving out the whole entire rapist dude, because that looks like a subplot unless its not. If that is the case, then let us know. I don't know how dad sent guardians from the abyss. I, if I was dad, would send guardians to save me and worry about my daughter, who I abandoned at birth, later. Maybe I would even save her.

Maybe - Kayli isn't having a good life. Her cat hates her. Her parents abandoned her. She can't get a date. If that wasn't bad enough, she's (forced, compelled) to bring criminals to justice and can't even do that right.

Maybe leaving out the witch reference altogether as well. I don't know. I've noticed in query if the author throws in too many plot details there seems to be plot problems.

Concentrate on the BIG THINGS.

Inciting Incident: what gets the story going
Conflict: who is the baddie
External Goal what does the MC want to do to resolve the conflict
Consequence: what happens if she fails.

then throw in the sex for the genre and tell us what the MC is, and not what she isn't.

Right now she's horny with a lot bad luck, which I don't find all that interesting. I hope "e" readers want more than sex and violence, but I wouldn't know. I hope the author wants to be known for more than that too.

...put the philosophical debates aside for the sake of sex and violence.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Angels and witches go together like ouija boards and bibles, although I'm sure there are people who consult both. Everyone here has something particular to offer -- also known as a pet peeve -- and I'll always pipe up about bad mythology or a lack of intellectual rigor.

The biggest structural problem is that your antagonist appears very weak in comparison to the MCs.

A human rapist/murderer vs a Nehpil girl and two angelic warriors?

Why does your query end with her squaring off against this human bad-guy when you hinted previously that there's a fallen angel after her? That's your real antagonist. The rapist sounds like a sub-plot.

This query has the same "affected voice" issue that many past queries have had, complete with the "as if that wasn't bad enough" line. But it's not as blatant as some of the others.

Lastly--as with the others I found your derisive ebook-reader comments insulting. Standards don't get to go down because you're aiming for a different publishing format. That attitude is poison.

Bad mythology, arhooley? The Old Testament specifically mentions angels, fallen angels, and witchcraft in the text.

VKW, thank you for your comment. It was specific and extremely helpful. I'll work on those points you mentioned.

This definitely has some "tonal" problems as it early on sounds like a romance novel. If it's true urban fantasy, I'd cut out the cutsie stuff early. I'm not sure I agree with EE about making it clear early on that she's the daughter of an angel, but the terrible witch who needs her best friend to fight criminals didn't work for me. Urban Fantasy characters should be fairly kick arse.

There may be one too many elements at play... I hope there's a reason she's fighting criminals in the first place. It seems a bit forced for a witch do do that.

I'd say this story has some interesting potential. Good luck with it and maybe repost it on Phoenix's site!

your antagonist appears very weak in comparison to your MCs

I don't see that as a structural problem. It works for Batman and Zsasz.

Author, don't judge the commenters. You can't be so sensitive if you want to make it.

I think Arhooley's point was that one can -either- be an angel or a witch, but never both.

There are conventions within every genre. And, though the author made a statement that made it sound more broad than was meant, s/he is correct: folk who read erotic urban fantasy -- most of which is published via ebooks -- care mainly about the trappings and the sex, with only a little plot mixed in.

The author will, of course, want to clean up the tone issues and any blatant plot holes, but mixing mythologies? Does anyone watch Supernatural? Every paranormal trope/beast/thing is included (angels, demons, Satan, God, vampires, witches, ghosts, shapeshifters, etc.) and fans (count me one!) don't care.

So if you have to be either an angel or a witch, fine. The MC here doesn't know she's part angel, but if she has leaking powers, she might well think she's a witch. If YOU had weird powers, where would your head go first: that you must be a witch or that you're an angel? She THINKS she's one thing; she IS another.

There are issues in how the query is presenting the story, but the basic story? For the targeted audience, I think it's a fine setup.

One bit of clarification needed that EE didn't cover is whether this turns into a menage story. The setup here seems like it could go either way.

I'd recommend dropping the paragraph about the explicit sex. If they request pages, they'll figure it out as they are reading. Also, you can make an effort not to query agents who don't represent works with explicit sex. Either way, it's not something to lead with in the query. Use that space for making more sense of the plot of the book.

You don't need to mention what the book has elements of. The reader should be able to figure that out on their own. You're talking office romance and a hint of magic. I think that narrows it down.

Since the title references magic, you might want to include the Wiccan a bit more. It seemed like you cut her section short, because you ran out of room. However, since the title indicates magic is important to the book, that is not the place to be skimpy on the info.

"and throughout the manuscript there are excerpts of a sexual nature from a book that the leading lady is reading. That book is also written by me, but not published."

This is not necessary. Obviously you are the writer who wrote the sex scenes in the book your MC is reading.

Here is a plot problem -

Thinking Lexi is enamored with him and has written the novel, he's forced to come to terms with his feelings for her; feelings he's been denying and hiding out of respect for her stepfather.

Most people who have crushes on others don't try to get them fired. True story - I have a friend who had a secret crush on a co-worker, he finally worked up the nerve to tell her - she got him fired for sexual harassment. (He got his job back 6 months later when she left the company). So - what is my point - Edmund, having discovered Lexi's book can get her fired for sexual harassment (maybe) and reading porn at work. (most definately) Even if her stepfather is the supervisor a good old fashion sexual harassment lawsuit often is thicker than marital blood.

"Finally giving into his attraction to Lexi, he starts baiting her," Do you mean flirting? What does this mean? Do you mean he starts acting like Rex to get her attention?

She becomes convinced he wrote the porn - now she can get him fired for sexual harassment.

She has been hurt before so sex is okay but what? She's not going to marry him or let him move in? Introduce him to her pet snake? I mean come on - even a little sex is going to make someone vulnerable - she couldn't just agree to have lunch with him and make him pay every time - that's better than casual sex.

If the last paragraph is as important to the plot as it seems it is - why is it the last paragraph? So who did write the site? was it Angi or magic?

I agree about the explicit sex part of the book - that will be known purely by the fact you have done your research and know who to send it to. Tell the reader more about the plot instead.

Anyway my too many coppers.

vkw

Oh, EE, you've still got it.

"To hell with the plot; is the sex explicit?"

"2nd use of the word enamored, and 2nd spelling as well."

Actually I agree with Mark Twain. I can't respect a person who can only spell a word one way.

Thanks for the chuckle.

It sounds like you have a friend or family member that you are worried about reading your sex scenes. My suggestion is put that worry aside.

Edmund and Lexi are going to fall in love or at least have a torrid affair. If they aren't gong to get together (since you seem to say that they are destined to be lovers) unless Lexi's Wiccan friend nudges her, then that's the story.

Lexi meets Edmund. Hates him. Discovers she loves his alter ego Rex. They battle. They have torrid sex and when they are about to break up, Angie steps in and does her magic.

Part two, thanks to clicking the wrong button.

Lexi meets Edmund. Hates him. Discovers she loves his alter ego Rex. They battle. They have torrid sex and when they are about to break up, Angie steps in and does her magic.

This is Taming of the Shrew or Kiss me Kate or any one of a dozen stories about lovers who start out fighting and end up happily married. Good plot.

A few questions:
Are Lexi and Angie friends before she meets Edmund?
Is Lexi aware of Angie's magic?
Does Edmund recognize Lexi as the girl in the novel?

The query needs to be about these three people and how they go from strangers to happily married and Witch-of-Honor at the altar.

This seems like an interesting idea, but there's a lot of plot jumps. Seeing as your entire story hangs on Edmund hating Lexi's guts, you really need to give us some idea why he's going out of his way to get her fired.

And I'm not sure where magic comes in. Other than the fact that Angi knows the names of Lexi and Edmund's alter egos, there's nothing that terribly mystical going on here.

EE: Once I stopped banging my head on the desk and mumbling, "What was I thinking?" I realized I have to thank you. Being the one who wrote this, I glossed over parts of the plot that--to me--seemed self-explanatory without realizing they really aren't that way for readers. OK, maybe I'll bang my head on the desk once more. Also, the first part of a query was because a specific e-publisher was asking for queries to include the level of sex description. I have no clue as to why I left that in the version I sent you, or why I spelled things different ways. It's not something I do usually. Thank you for your notes. I will revise the query and get back to you with something--hopefully--more decent.

Dominique: You're absolutely right, thank you.

Anonymous: In my silliness, I didn't explain something right. Edmund doesn't want to get her fired; he doesn't believe she's utilized to the extent of her abilities in her current position, but Lexi hears part of what he's told her stepdad and gets the whole thing wrong. When she realizes he knows about the novel and believes he's written it, she's afraid to do something about it, since she's been reading it for so long. As for the sex part, she's at a point in life when she's convinced meaningless sex is all she can get and all she can handle. I have to find a way to better phrase that and include it to the query. Oh, and the site was created by magic, through a vague spell Angi cast.

Wes: Tehehehe. I gots respect :D

Dave: Actually, all of my family and friends know what I've written/I'm writing (The family doesn't ask to read that way). The first part of the query was for a specific e-publisher that wanted to know how explicit the sex scenes were. I shouldn't have put it in this version.

I love your summary of the story. It's actually pretty accurate (with the exception that Angi has stepped in before Lexi and Edmund even met) and way better worded than mine :)

Thank you all very much,

Sotia

Dave (part II):
Lexi and Angi have been friends since school.
Lexi is aware that Angi is a wiccan, but doesn't believe she can actually do spells.
Edmund recognizes Lexi as the girl in the novel.

Sarah:
Edmund doesn't hate Lexi's guts; he has issues with her because he believes she's underutilized and that she's enjoying slacking off. I know I totally skipped that. It's the problem with being too close to something: you take things as self-explanatory, just because they're clear in your head.

I should mention Angi sooner. She's the one who cast the spell that created the site, even though she doesn't know it from the start (it's not a plot hole, I swear).

Sotia,
You've got a great attitude and a great grasp of how to whip this into shape. The minions are pulling for you.

I'm glad to see that the comments are making you focus on the good stuff in the story. As for the agents who you want to know about the content, "Contains explicit sex" is sufficient explanation. It's like a smoker's warning.

I was banging my head on the desk, too. More kudos on the great attitude. The problems have been pointed out so I'll just slither out of here...

Too much office politics & not enuf magic, in my humble opinion. In particular I don't know why the protagonist isn't more powerful. she does Too much reading & not enuf taking action for my taste. See the gtps for more urban fantasy kickass type office magic protagonist chicks & their wildly impossible plots. This sounds like maybe you are trying to be too realistic. Or maybe you aimed it at some specific niche of the romance market, which I just don't know because it's not my genre.

You don't tell us much about Angi, but if the book is called "Office Magic" then you really need to have Angi work at the office, 'cause that's where the magic should happen.

Baiting:
4. To attack or torment, especially with persistent insults, criticism, or ridicule.
5. To tease.

Any guy who is still doing this to attract you never got out of Grade 10. Drop him and run.