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You're trying too hard on this. I appreciate your effort to use an older, more classic-sounding style, but it's hard to do perfectly and shouldn't always be done even then.

Rewrite this as simply as possible--mention 3-4 characters, and write simply and naturally.

Author here. Thank for all your comments! I'll try to get rid of some of the characters in the query for my next version.

To answer a few questions you put up:
1) Yes, a ritual is all it takes to attain rank black. Once you are rank brown, that is, with sufficient power to complete the ritual. Failure results in a destroyed body from which there is no return.

2) Yes, that's exactly right. It is unlikely that an all powerful mage would miss someone hiding in a basement. That's why the main character is the only survivor. It was his latent power and wish to hide that put a field of cloaking around him. But of course, that's too much info for the query.

3) He attacks the cattle farm and surrounding villages because they are close to the council and he wants to provoke them (his plans are ready to destroy them now).

I wonder if it would be worth my time to try to address these in the query or if I should just leave them for the book?

Thanks again for all your suggestions Evil Editor.

P.S. Rachel -- I have to laugh at your comment, because I did not try to use a "classic-sounding style". In fact, I wrote naturally. I like the way it sounds in that respect, so I think I'll keep the style. But thank you anyway.

In spite of EE's excellent name substitutions, I stumbled on their placement in the query. It's a bombardment, and as someone who struggled with Tolkien for this very reason, I have to say, you've lost me.

I should point out that while I was struggling with Tolkien, he bit me on the ear.

Even the greats play dirty, it seems.

I'm intrigued by the title for this novel. Are these colours representative of the various factions described? Colours are mentioned in the query but I don't get the link.

My Battling Mage Sense tells me this is all about battling mages — and what could be more exciting than that?

So get to the business of the mages who are battling, and lose incidentals like the hiding in the secret hole in the basement, the cattle farm ('farm' will do), and everything that happens to Joran after he becomes enraged.

OK, so he risks "eternal undeath by destroying his body in a ritual that marks the transition of a mage to the black" — and I know YOU know what this means, but I don't.

You don't need to address point 1, though it wouldn't hurt to say Joren has had time to attain brown or has so much latent power his training has advanced quickly. Or just introduce him as someone with great latent power, and we'll guess he's able to harness magic faster than most.

You don't have to address point 2, but you also don't have to tell us he survived by hiding in the basement. If you just say the rest of his family was murdered and he wants revenge, we'll assume he was out on a date or something when the attack occurred.

As for point 3, I don't see why a mage has to go along for the ride to kill some villagers. Wouldn't he just send his marauders? Whether he goes or not, you can claim the family was killed by raiders and introduce the mage later as the head villain.

Or you can address nothing and assume, probably correctly, that no one else will be bothered by these plot points which all must have logical explanations in the book.

FIRST OFF -- Something authors should understand is that when EE and his minions pose questions about the plot, it's not because we're intrigued; it's because we're confused. Don't answer the questions. Instead, rewrite the query so that you don't have gaping logic holes.

Onward. Back in my dark days, I worked in IT. I'm sorry to say, I've read Business Requirement Docs that were more engaging than this.

You're producing a work of art, not a report. This blow-by-blow synopsis is little more than an accounting of names and events. The transformation needed here is so basic that I can't point to one phrase or another that needs a fix, but one way you might reconceive this query is to keep in mind that you're pitching a story, not recounting it.

Get me behind this manure-smeared farmboy whose dreams reach no further than the fields his family has worked for generations. Make me shudder at this In Cold Blood-style massacre. Make me believe this is different from Star Wars, even though Joran Skywalker's placid world is turned up-side down by Peter Cushing, propelling him into Jedi training and then an agonizing transformation into Darth Vader.

And could you change your title, or the colors, or get it down to two colors, like The Red and the Black (but don't use that one; it's taken)? Maybe it's just me because I'm taking care of an invalid these days, but when I see "black, brown and red" I think of stool colors.

I don't get why any of this is happening. What's in it for the antagonists?

Author again.
The title, as I put in the original e-mail but which wasn't posted in the blog, has been changed. It is nothing like the original title. This one was chosen to give more options for guess the plots than the other title would have.

arhooley:
I have to disagree. I've been reading these blogs for quite some time, and most of the time when EE posts a question it's something I'm also intrigued about. Ergo, the questions needed answering for people like me reading. If you don't care, that's completely fine. But some people do.

In either case, you'll note that I posted them not simply for information's sake, but to ask if I should include said info in my next version of the query. I'd have to say, that seems to be exactly what this blog is for.

Beyond that, I'm sorry you don't find my query appealing. I'll take that into consideration, along with the other opinions posted.

The title, as I put in the original e-mail but which wasn't posted in the blog, has been changed. It is nothing like the original title. This one was chosen to give more options for guess the plots than the other title would have.

To clarify, the author mentioned to me that there was a different title, but didn't tell me what it was, and it was the author's opinion that b b & r would be better for GTP, not mine. In short, I am, as always, blameless.

As Evil Editor noted, I did not give him the original title. I have done this purposefully.

However good or bad the current title may be for guess the plot, I assure you that it is better than the other title would have been. But, if you choose not to believe me, I will accept that also.

Oh, I didn't mean to ignore you BuffySquirrel. I must have missed your post.

I didn't include the antagonist's reason for making war because I thought it was obvious (I'm not trying to be obnoxious here; I speak literally to explain myself). His reason for making war is the same as almost every war in history: Power. From power over a foreign resource to power over one's own people, war has historically transferred the control of power between individuals. This is even true today, though I won't mention the obvious example as it would be bound to provoke someone.

However, if other people were also confused about why the antagonist is going to war please let me know and I'll adjust the query to include this information. Thanks for your input.

Author,
What I think others have tried to say is that your story well may be wonderful, but the query is not interesting in the least. This isn't an attack--when several of us are of the same opinion, you can pretty much take it to the bank that you're in need of a change.

This query doesn't engage us, and yes, it reads much like a 3rd grade book report. We don't have any attachment to your characters. They need life. They need motivation. They need desires.

Best of luck to you!

Anonymous, I am also confused about the reason for going to war. I know power is the obvious reason, but you mentioned several political factions, which makes me think there's something a little deeper going on here. That's a good thing. It suggests the story has some depth and complexity. Just try to let that aspect come across a little.

I notice you say your protagonist WAS a seventeen year old ect. Does this mean the attack and all are just back story? I assumed it was your opening scenes. I've heard queries are written in present tense, so that's an issue you may want to address.

Best of luck! I love fantasy and am always hopeful for more in my favorite genre to read. :)

My first question is why the heck would you go out of your way to obfuscate the title and character names? You're just limiting the amount of feedback you can get. Also, makes you look paranoid, or at the very least, putting in things that distract from the whole point: getting to a better query.

(For example, I had a terrible time not reading the names as Falafel and Nectar, even before I read the comments from EE. That makes it hard to even critique it).

--Jennifer

Also, once I see black crystals being the most powerful and crystal rankings, I think of Anne Bishop's Dark Jewels books. Where crystal color shows how powerful you are. And black is the toughest.

I point that out because for your query, you may want to lose the color thing altogether (it is one more thing that the reader needs to learn, anyway) or make very clear how different it is from Bishop's stories.

The novel, of course, can speak for itself. The query however might cause the wrong sort of reaction if the reader is aware of the other books.

Hope that helps!

Damn, I was so ready to make fun of those names :P "Falafel" was hilarious!

-Let's see, it took J.K. Rowling seven books to show just the primary education of a wizard from absolute newb to magical high-school graduate newb, and he still couldn't beat the ultimate bad guy in a straight-up fight by himself! Not even close.

That's your first challenge.

The second is that him hiding and not being found is a major plot-hole. Even your explanation of it sounds ridiculous, "latent talent" is code for deus ex machina. All talent must still be harnessed via major hard work and experience.

I've always had writing talent, but I've only recently begun sharpening my skills actively. It's still gonna be years before I master writing, if I ever do.

So, providing that entire growth arc in a single book... not saying it can't be done, but it will be a shallow presentation.

--On another note, what people are saying about the name-soup is spot on. I don't think anyone could've created a more stereotypical example of it than what you've produced here. It borders on unintentionally funny.

The whole thing reads like a synopsis as well. I'm left with no desire to actually read pages by the end. Nothing enticing. Think about what emotion you want an agent left with when the read-through is done and how you can create that feeling.

---Crystals: little pet peeve of mine, but the association of crystals with magic is by now a cliche association. Like, big time.

Umm, no, it wasn't obvious why the antagonists were starting a war, at least not to me. Nor who is at war with whom. Nechalyn is conspiring with other great nations against his own country? or against Joran's country? Are they from the same country? This is the sort of confusion the query should avoid, not create.

Also, I can't help feeling that it's not sufficient to reduce the causes of wars to a simplistic equation then use that as your character motivation :).

I'm not taking care of an invalid, and I thought of stool colors when I read that title.

I have to second arhooley's observation that we don't want the questions we pose answered. They are intended to point out where you confused the bejeezus out of us.

It may feel difficult to just say part of what the plot is, but you are not writing a synopsis. You need to give the gist of only the main plot with a hint of the other conflicts that affect that main plot (if you mention them at all.)

Start with a sentence that states the main plot alone and work from there.

Wow, when I read a post like writtenwyrd's after I've just explained that the title is fake, chosen just for this posting, and that just because YOU don't want answers doesn't mean that NO-ONE wants answers (talk about egotistical)... it's shocking. I have to wonder, was I perhaps not clear when I said "The title, ..., has been changed. It is nothing like the original title."

Or maybe it's just a reflection of wyrd's urge to criticize someone else for whatever he can, probably to take his mind off his own work. Hey pal, there are several things to criticize about my query that are actually justified. Stick to them and I'll listen to you. Keep repeating the same crap that's already been addressed, I'll keep lowering my opinion of you.

P.S. Squirrel: I wrote that "Joran is murdered and the mage responsible leads an alliance of great nations in warfare against his homeland." And you are honestly asking me if he was conspiring against his own countrymen? My query is certainly unclear about the motivation for war, but it is not at all unclear about the fact that the antagonist is not from the same country.

I want to thank EvilEditor again for his constructive and useful comments. Whirochre, too, gave me advice on how to fix the query. Arhooley was a tad insulting, but also managed to throw advice in there. To those who posted criticism without useful advice, thanks but if I wanted that I'd ask my family.

Writtenwyrdd is a she, not a he. And not even a meany.

Some minions ask questions because they're curious, but as your book is not available for them to read no matter what the answers, I suspect the majority are asking to point out areas that may bug the agent or editor who reads the query. An author may choose to answer those questions to satisfy the curiosity of the former.

Agents and editors aren't likely to email you with questions about your plot. Thus it's a good idea to 1. decide which legitimate questions you need to address in the query, and address them, and 2. to get rid of whatever inspired those legitimate questions you don't want to address in the query.

Sorry, but with regard to whose homeland the mage is attacking, there's nothing unusual about a power-hungry character recruiting other nations to assist him in taking power in his own nation. It's even happened in actual history. Add to that the technical fact that a pronoun usually refers back to the most recently used noun or pronoun of the same gender, which in this case is "mage", and it's not clear that "his" refers to Joran. In fact, it's not clear that Joran and the mage don't have the same homeland. The sentence has two independent clauses which can be boiled down to: 1.Family is murdered
2. Mage leads alliance against his homeland.

I think most readers will assume you mean Joran's homeland, but as Joran isn't even the subject of the first clause you can make it perfectly clear: Joran's family is murdered, and his homeland is brought under siege by an alliance of nations led by the mage Nechalyn.

A thousand people visit this blog each day, and a mere ten or twenty take the time to comment, so use the comments that make sense to you and ignore the others without getting mad at people.

I had that very problem with the pronoun. Couldn't tell who "his" referred to.

It's a curious fact that most paranoid people are narcisstic. Why? because you have to believe you are important enough for anyone to want to hurt or have something that someone else may want.

It's also a curious fact taht most narcisstic individuals don't have anything anyone would want or are important to harm.

It is not a curious fact that most narcistic individuals can not take constructive criticism or advice.

It is not a curious fact why I didn't comment on this query.

I just want to say that someone so thin skinned is going to have a tougher time making it to professional author and getting a book published.

Being hard to work with, being unable to handle criticism without taking it personally, and devaluing the opinions of others, is nearly as bad as being a bad writer.

You need to be both a good writer -and- a professional when dealing with those whom you need to work with to get a book out (as in agent, editor, etc.).

It raises the bar for you. If you're hard to work with personally you'd better be damn sure you're also a phenomenal writer to make up for it :P

Things I'm confused about:

The local general (Black Mage) would not be out joyriding with these raiding parties if a war was imminent. He wouldn't have the time. He'd be planning, strategizing, and conferring with whatever constitutes his war council. Unless someone else makes all the plans and he only does the magic, but in that case I don't see how he can "lead" a war.

Also, the head of the council sent all of the best, highest ranking officers OUT of the capital city on the eve of a war? It would be immediately obvious to everyone involved that he has malicious intent. This ploy wouldn't fool the janitor.

Capital cities are not left poorly defended right before the war. If anything, the defense is built up much more strongly. This would be way more than suspicious.

Nothing here explains why Nectat was following the raiders. Seems pretty dumb to shadow a Black mage when you're only a Brown.

Also, a whole alliance of great nations are needed to war against this apparently rural, pastoral homeland? It doesn't seem like a war would be necessary. A simple occupation would suffice. Who are you fighting, cows? Maybe the fact that the homeland has industry, cities, a military, emerald mines, whatever, should be in there somewhere. Otherwise, the vast expenditure of materials and manpower needed to conduct a war would not be justified.

A war is the most expensive, exhausting, and complicated venture that exists. The logistics are mind-boggling, and the leaders must take EVERYTHING into account: supply lines, production of weapons, communication in the field, adequate and equally distributed provisions, fresh water, even the appropriate clothing for the season. The war I'm seeing in this query, however, seems to be conducted more like a snowball fight.

I'm sure this isn't true in the book, but this is what I'm getting from this query.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

I haven't seen any meanness here. Ever. I see people with great talent, insight and experience trying to help other people. People like you and me who are not exceptional at writing and querying. A 15 year old girl got comments on her query (which is why she sent it here) and she took them like a pro. No one knew she was 15 until she wrote in to thank the folks who commented. She's a brilliant girl with professionalism who gets the process.
If comments get under your skin you have the choice not to hang yourself on the bulls eye.
This is the best education a writer can ever get in the shortest time possible by pros. For free. I was grateful for the sensitivity I was treated with on my first query which was a synopsis and not a good one.
Good luck on your query. I look forward to the revision.
Best,
Bibi
Evil, if this is over the top please don't pub. Delete is ok. I do feel better though.

I'm guessing that an editor or agent might be put off by hearing about how you thought up this world, as it doesn't come across to me as professional. Can you focus more on who did what and why it mattered?

I'd be inclined to focus in on your paragraph four and start there.

Probably better to set aside childish things, at least in the query. Pared of the irrelevant, this reads a lot like sub-Tolkien, and the market's full of that already. Show us what's different about your Fantasy world and your plot, not what's the same.

I remember the day I started following EE's blog. It was the middle of the week, Tuesday or Wednesday probably and I had just eaten a tuna wrap for lunch. A friend of mine send me a link with...

Okay author, can you see how boring personal stories foisted on you can be???

Kudos to you for following up your fantasy with the very difficult task of writing a novel. Not many complete that step.

As for the query:
1. The only thing I hate more than a really bad title is a title that has no connection whatsoever to the story told in the query. If you need a primer on this, go to the box office this weekend and look at the films that are out. "Inception" - about the placing the inception of an idea into someone's dreaming mind. "Dinner with Shmucks" - which is about... dinner with smucks. Don't forget The Sorcerer's Apprentice (although all moviegoers have)! It's about... you guessed it, a sorcerer's apprentice.

So after your personal story the first real zinger you give us is a king ruling a land of pixies and magic for 3,000 years. Okay. Then "but the king has grown bored in his long reign, and feels that power is the only thing he wants." You want us interested in a story where the main character has already grown bored??? And worse that sentence makes no sense.

"I'm bored after ruling for 3,000 years."

"What is it sire that you wish for?"

"Power."

"But sire you already have that."

"Now you know why I'm so bored."

HUH???

As for the rest of it, it sounds like stuff we've all heard before. Who's the lead character? What do they want? What will happen if they don't get it?

Lastly. So is it me or did anyone else wonder what the compounded interest would be if you put $1 into a 401k account and accumulated the interest over 3,000 years? I mean would you really need all the war and conquering or could you just purchase the entire realm?

Editor, shouldn't that dialogue in the middle be between Lotharian and Honker? Other than that, I agree with every word.

And that last paragraph needs a transition. "Meanwhile, over in Tingu . . ."

And this sentence:

Alluria suspects that her temple is no longer the haven it once was

has an uncomfortable proximity to the one about Caol'nir getting the hots for her. Are you saying it's his lust that's compromised her haven? Just want to make sure, because that's what it looks like.

Who is the main character? You only have about 200 words to describe the story in a query so you have to focus as much as possible on the conflict between that person and her antagonist.

I agree with EE that Asherah sounds like a more compelling character than Caol’nir. With Asherah you have "Spartacus with demons" with a strong female protagonist. That differentiates you from 99% of the sub-Tolkien market, which is more likely to get you a request for a partial.

If Caol’nir is the main character, you get a fairly common plot - man defies empire for the love of a woman. Snore.

It's also unclear how your two main characters interact.


So, if I can narrow what you've written down to Asherah, you get something like:

In order to obtain dominion over the demons, King Lotharian sells Asherah to the demon king. Though doomed to a life bearing demon whelps, Asherah somehow escapes and somehow convinces an elf king to let her lead a band of soldiers against Lotharian.

If you use the space you take up with your writing life history for story details, you can flesh out the query. You need to convince me that Asherah, the demon broodmare, is qualified to lead an army.

Good luck

I was really looking for a unique conflict and plot-question out of yet-another-fantasy-story. Sadly, it was another run-of-the-mill "take over the world" plot.

I agree that explaining the genesis of the fantasy-world is both unnecessary and probably detrimental to your cause.

As for EE's comment here: "Caol’nir betrays both his king and his oath to ensure her safety. [He betrays which oath? The one to keep her chaste? How does that ensure her safety?]"
Come now, the dangers of virginity couldn't be more plain :P I'm sure Caol will craft some story about those three girls that died of virginity just last week :P

EE's plot-hole comments are right on as well. Trusting demons, that works out really well in most story :P

As a reader, when I see 115K words, I would like a lot more plot than what is described here.

And as someone who is not used to the Kingdoms of the Fae, I think of fairies as TinkerBell and Lady Cottingtom. I don't automatically think of fairy kingdoms filled with human sized characters as you describe.

That makes it hard for me to see temple virgins and hunky centurion-type, sword-wielding warrior fighting against demons and a 3000 year old king.

This absolutely blew me away: doomed to a life bearing demon whelps.
My eyes popped at that statement. That's a fate worthy of an entire novel itself. Impregnated by a demon and made to give birth to demons for years after? Give the demon a virgin, some cheap rose' champagne and a few minutes between the sheets and she'll pump out an army of half-breeds willing to destroy the king.

Sorry if I any of that sounds impolite but there is the excitement in your novel. Hunky guard deflowers virgin to save her from giving birth to demon spawn.

Don't include the story about the source of Parthalan. For one thing, it immediately gives the impression that this is intensely personal to you, to the point where I'd be worried how open you'd be to critique and revisions.

For another, a query is a business letter and you want to present yourself in a professional light. Think of it as a job interview. The HR guy sitting across from doesn't care about how you learned to type, he just wants to know if you can.

For right now, I'd strongly advise you to focus on making the first book as brilliant as you can rather than moving on to multiple sequels. Who knows what will change should an agent and then an editor pick your book up?

Pared of the irrelevant, this reads a lot like sub-Tolkien, and the market's full of that already.

^ This.

Here's my take:

1) No personal stories unless you are describing something a) larger than life, and b) directly related to the content of the novel. The music box story is neither, and besides that, it's boring and irrelevant and inappropriate for the beginning of a query (which is when you want the editor to be hooked in - we are notoriously impatient and attention-deficit).

2) Name Soup - There are so many character and setting names in this query I don't even know what the hell is going on. If I don't know who the protagonist is in the first few sentences, it's a pass.

3) Some people may disagre with me on this one, but I wouldn't admit to self-publishing, because all that says to an editor is that your writing is questionable and cannot be traditionally published. Also, don't try to pitch a novel based on how well something else you have written was received. The editor doesn't care. The only thing they care about is how well THIS book would be received.

Author - I checked out excerpts of your self-published work on your website. Watch your sentence fragments. And you need to be very careful of "Hollywood narrative" - there's a good article about it here on Author! Author!: http://www.annemini.com/?p=11246

Lotharian would probably benefit from reading the Evil Overlord list:
http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

If I were in charge of the guards who had to protect the chastity of an order of priestesses, I'd make sure the guards were all eunuchs. Brutal eunuchs.

Author, as others have said, explaining how you came up with your world is sweet but very unprofessional. Remember, the agent needs to sell your book, not its charming backstory.
I'd also leave out the self-publishing - if the books sold badly, it means there's no market, and if they sold well it may mean you've saturated the market.

I'd be careful with the name Parthalan, too. P.C. Cast, a bestselling author, writes a series about a fantasy land called Partholon.

Watch your sentence fragments.

*pulling out my pro-frag lobby cards*

I scanned likely the same excerpts and had two takeaways:
1) The grammatical structure was fine and what frags were there appeared to be stylistic frags, not "where did the rest of the sentence go?" frags. I wasn't bothered by them at all.
2) The prose, however, perches on the precipice of purple. Even properly punctuated purple prose frequently falls flat.

This query is one that really does give us a glimpse into the author's writing style, which is, IMO, just a tad overblown. The words don't feel as though they flow on the page. Phrases such as "markedly different existences" jar the ear.

There are a couple of grammar lapses in the query, but overall, the author has the technical part down okay. Now to work on word choice and rhythm and communicating emotion through the writing. Work on leading readers through the reading experience rather than sitting them down and just narrating a story. This is the craft part that must be honed. Essentially, it's the part that needs to come through in the query to help it stand out.

I think I've found an ambiguity problem. (The deuce you say.)

When Alluria suspects that her temple is no longer the haven it once was, Caol’nir betrays both his king and his oath to ensure her safety. [He betrays which oath? The one to keep her chaste? How does that ensure her safety?]

My first read of this (and EE's read seemingly) was, "In order to ensure Alluria's safety, Caol'nir breaks his oath to ensure her safety." Now I'm getting, "Caol'nir goes with his lust."

Of course that leaves us wondering what the relation between the events is. What I've got is, Caol'nir gets the hots for Alluria, she becomes aware of it, he becomes aware that she's aware, and he says "To hell with everything" and grabs the girl and rides off, breaking his oath to the king in the bargain.

Now, does anyone care?

The day I started following Evil I was accosted by a lady boy, robbed of my computer with my first ms on it and ate bad seafood which kept both ends going against the middle for about at week. It was the worst and the worster of times. Some things you never forget. I did however buy a new computer, sucked up the loss of the ms which I'm sure wasn't very good and writer - do you really want to hear how I came to write my next 3 ms's? Didn't think so. Not very interesting.
I cringe when I read the first of. We all write the first of and not too many can stand together well. What Evil says and the commenters who chipped in.
Hope you revise and resend.
Bibi

Read through a year or so of these archives, and maybe head over to some other good places like QueryShark, the Turkey City Lexicon, and agent blogs. Then start from scratch.

Which character has the most screen time? That's your main character. Give a very brief description of who s/he is, and the world s/he lives in. Then tell us the problem, what the character does about it, and what complications ensue.

And I'll be honest--my first and longest story was started in 8th grade, too. The characters and situations still appeal to me, but, looking back, what I wrote was really, really bad. I'd advise moving to a different world/story for at least 6 months. Give yourself room to grow and try new things. Then come back to this and see how you like it.

Crisco, the diabetic Schnauzer.
That's a name that's worthy of choking on your lunch.

EE's explanation makes me think of opera (Parsifal by R. Wagner) and the reasons the query isn't working.

There doesn't seem to be a tie between the disabled Knight, the gods and Elica. That's what I think is missing. These seem to be three people that are strangers and that doesn't make for a compelling story. Something has to tie these three together.

If they are perfect strangers, then something in the narrative has to link them together. Think about Thornton Wilder's Bridge of San Luis Rey.

I don't see a motive for anyone. Why did the Shea betray the gods? Why did the Knights betray the gods? Why did the Shea (?) trick Gwyllim into rescuing Elica? Why would Elica and Gwyllim want to save the gods? No one else seems to want them at large.

Also, the title suggests the book is about Gwyllim's great conflict in saving someone he shouldn't. But if he was tricked into making the vow, doesn't that lessen if not clear the dishonor in breaking it?

By the way, if Elica has magical powers, why can't she use them to escape wherever she is? But I guess that's a trivial matter in a world where gods are finite and weak.

someone needs to write #5 and the author needs to write EE's query.

Well enough hard work for today. When does Judge Judy come on?

vkw

What does the knight's liege lord think about all this?

Also, can you say "Knight's liege lord" five times fast?

Now my tongue is all tied up. I blame you, EE!

Very confused, and my amateur medieval knowledge isn't helping. What is a liege-knight? Who is he in liege to, or is someone in liege to him? What's the difference between a liege-knight and a Knight? If Gwilym is a cripple, how does this affect his knight-suitability? Who are the Knights of Incari that Gwilym would want to be one of them? Is he in liege to them? Is a liege-knight something like a squire? How can he he be a squire if he's crippled? What does it mean for him if he's crippled in this society? What does it mean to have magical abilities?

Okay. Gwilym is your main character, right? And his goal is to become a Knight of Incari. The obstacles are that he's crippled(?), that he's been given an assignment that will discredit him if he succeeds (rescuing the magic girl), and that the Knights are in reality a bunch of scumbags (in some way). I'm guessing that the Shea will turn out to be the good guys, and he'll cast in his lot with them.
The gods seem even more irrelevant than the Shea. I'd suggest concentrating on Gwilym, Elica, and his disillusionment with the Knights.

I'm surprised this post has gotten so few comments. I think it's because the plot's got as many holes as Swiss cheese :P and we've seen that come out in the few posts so far.

I'm going to say that the plot is a bit of a mess. I am actually interested in the genesis of this book / idea. Were you in love with the characters and setting and then put a plot to them, or the reverse?

I would probably rework the plot, going back to basics. Or, discard the plot and start with a new one if its the world and characters you love. That's a bit harsh though if you've really completed the novel.

In that case you need to figure out the cause and effect, the logical sequence of plot events, your character's motivations, etc., and systematically, rigorously fix them.

What you've seen in these responses is just how quickly reader's will become upset when things don't make sense, or pick out plot holes and problems in motivation.

If at any point your main character can just walk away and live happily ever after, your reader will be screaming at the page, "Just WALK AWAY!"

Now, maybe your book doesn't need fixing at all and it's just difficult to condense its essence into a query. In that case, that's what we're here for ;)

No, there is no difference between a knight and a liege knight in our mediaeval world. What it may be like in the book's world is anyone's guess.

The MC's name is way too close to "alluvial" -- at least, IMHO.

*does a honeybee dance that spells out the location of BE SPECIFIC*

Seems like there's a lot going on in this one. I can't make heads nor tails of any of it. Scorecard time:

1. The Goddess (is dead, don't know what she's the goddess of, why it's capitalized or why this is significant, doe she keep #2 in place?

2. rival god (no name, no idea what the threat is)

3. Aluviae (goddess in training)

4. another dead girl (wouldn't it have been easier for "rival god" to kill off candidates first and then kill The Goddess?)

5. An old adversary (of WHOM???)

6. surviving candidate

7. a stranger (of course with a secret appearing for the first time in the last line of the query)


TOO MUCH! Simplify simplify simplify. And yes more specifics.

Fake plot #5 comes pretty close.

All I can see in this land is gods and an army (of girls). Oh, and one intriguing stranger. Aren't there any plain old inhabitants? Without them, I'm finding it hard to care about this race to the Crystal Throne.

Like Anon, I don't care for the heroine's name either. Problems the others have mentioned are easily fixable. I like your basic plot.

"...and that very selflessness is what makes you worthy of the throne."
- the end -

I agree with EE, it's an obvious setup for a reversal. But, YA plots can get away with that ;)

What's more, it would be awfully hard to really establish a motivation for -not- wanting to ascend to goddesshood :P So it feels a bit contrived. What are the downsides to godhood? ...Um...?

How does the enemy god know who the candidates are? If a crystal glowing in their hand is the only sign, it would be a rather easy thing to keep secret. No?

A larger problem is how having a new goddess will even help if the old god just killed off the last one. Is she afraid to become goddess because she thinks it's a death sentence?

Assuming you can fix those difficulties, the plot does have potential. The stakes are high, the conflict real, the goal literal. The rest is up to your world-building and writing skill.

And, I had no difficulty with the name "Aluviae" at all. Though, as a word it's like a linguistic speed-bumb, packing four syllables into such a small space, yet isn't consonant heavy so it works.

Aluviae. Destined to become the Goddess of Gravel Deposits.

Give me a reason to care about this recruit, to identify with her quest to keep the other candidates alive.

Aside: why is it that role of significant savior of the world goes to the teenager with no useful real-life experience? Or is that only since George Lucas made an elected girl with poor judgment the ultimate ruler of Naboo and tool of the proto-Emperor? What teenager would be interested in ruling EVERYTHING after they learn the killer schedulel will eliminate their mall time? What's wrong with being chosen to be trained up for some future potential job as Goddess, or Queen, or Dragon-spawn? Similar honour, way less pressure. Is the world of adolescents REALLY that black and white, all or nothing?

Oh.... never mind.

Um. Author, while I'm sure you do actually know the difference between 'machinations' and 'machines', that opening leaves it unclear, since machines are much easier to visualise blasting worlds like wildfire. So you might want to clarify.
I like the idea of a reluctant goddess, but you might want to clarify why Aluviae is reluctant (wait, is it a Virgin Goddess position?), to give some insight into her character.
Also it seems you've spent a fair bit of this on setup and backstory. I'd suggest getting to the old enemy and the intriguing stranger faster.

Woops, looks like elements of Fake Plot #1 have come true, too. A teenage girl with a funny name . . .

Batgirl's a genius! THE RELUCTANT GODDESS would be a MUCH better title for this than THE CRYSTAL THRONE, which practically screams "generic YA fantasy novel" -- if you don't use it, I will!

Haha, I love that title too Batgirl.

I think the query is just the standard issue of trying to fit what is in the author's brain into a bitesized chunk for a query. I think the scorecard is helpful in terms of looking at what you might be able to subtract to have a more streamlined approach.

This makes my brain hurt. Sorry, but I just can't wrap my head around what's going on here. It might be a good story. I'd need specifics.

This is a rare case where calling two races Silver and Argent is probably OK, because they used to be one people. So whatever you do with the query, keep that in.

Why does the Empereur use the French spelling if he's a Silver? Is he Argent?

There are a few places, like the second sentence and the fourth paragraph, where I feel like your sentence structure is getting in the way of the meaning. Being more direct while saying the same thing would clear it up a bit.

Skip the food chain bit.

Who attacks the compound? Why? Use the answer to make that sentence active instead of passive.

All in all, you get your point across, but sometimes you choose a less direct way. If you can be a little more straightforward, you'll have room to tell us more about their journey to the Empereur and how they defeat this mysterious enemy.

And I'm not the only person who's going to notice that the races are named the same thing. "Argent" is an archaic name for "silver", and is still used in heraldry. Is there a reason for naming both races the same thing?

We need to know more about the enemy. I think you have a story here. It may be a bit too long, however, for your first book.

You may have to think of developing a triology to compensate for this.

140k is a tough, tough sell. You'll need to write the query to end all queries.

Naming the races Argent and Silver will give this novel's international translators a headache.

I love EE. He is the only reader who's mentioned the french words. He also found a place called Maore after I carefully googled it and got nothing. Not carefully enough I guess.

Argent means money in french. The Argents have the money and live in walled compounds at the center of the cities. The silvers are lower- like silver coins are worth less then gold.

I didn't say who attacked the Argents because they don't know and I didn't want to give it away. Should I use something like "mysterious attacker"?

I also left her heartsoul's name from the query so you wouldn't know which one he is right away. That I can change.

Thanks for the help.

Argent means money in french.

It also means silver in French.

I didn't say who attacked the Argents because they don't know

Was it people? Does that narrow it down to Argents or Silvers? Or are there other races of people? If those are the only possibilities, the Argents aren't going to claim they don't know who did it; they're gonna claim it was the Silvers. This, of course, means it was the Argents, or you wouldn't be trying to keep it a secret. Sorry, but the cat's out of the bag.

The attackers are creatures created by magic, so the villian can stay hidden. I didn't want to complicate the query more by describing the creatures. I couldn't think of a way to say it in few words.

Argents are a small part of the population. The more of them die, the less chance anyone else discovers the magic because it takes both races working together. That is the motivation for the attacks. The villian wants to wipe out all the Argents he can. He/She uses magic- meaning one of each race is involved.

It was so difficult to condense into a query. What to include, what to take out.

"I also left her heartsoul's name from the query so you wouldn't know which one he is right away."

Yes, but the agent needs to know. A query letter is not the place to play coy and keep secrets.

I did find the French a little much--why did you choose it? If this is a planet colonized by Frenchman or something, fine...but there has to be some good reason.

I was another one of those who read this and said, "But 'argent' is just a fancy way of saying 'silver'..." I would be happier if the names slid farther apart, if it was the Sills versus the Argentry, or if one of them was upgraded to gold or reduced to bronze. Something like that.

It is worth noting that the map of Maore that EE found is the second Google result.

Sounds like something I would enjoy reading, if I already knew what it was.

If you don't understand the above sentence, welcome to my world on reading this query. I THINK I know where it's trying to go, but getting there might take a lot more mental energy than I can spare for something that's supposedly going to be leisure reading.

You need more clarity and less holding back on the tantalizing clues. The agent (or, more likely, their underpaid assistant) won't read the whole manuscript to find out who was behind the attack on her compound, much less the real secret identity of her saviour. Trust me on this.

(word ver: morti
Deadly or what? )

Michelle -- in a query, you have to tell things immediately that you wouldn't immediately reveal in a story. You're querying an agent, not seducing a reader into reading your book. Or, as someone once explained it to me: "You don't do a striptease for your gynecologist."

Juliet: You rescued me!
Romeo: Yep
Juliet: Your not supposed to do that, your a Montague.
Romeo: I should have left you to die.
Juliet: Then I couldn't warn the emperor.
Romeo: Now I love you, but it is forbidden.
Juliet: That makes sense.
Romeo: I know, right?
Juliet: Now I'm magical.
Rome: That's the mushrooms talking.

I feel like I have a good idea of the situation, but not of the plot, or what the true conflict is, because you apparently think it's too clever to waste on a query. If it's that good, waste it, by all means. Have confidence in your ability to come up with a clever plot and hook the agent with it. Be critical of yourself before you ask others to be.

Can we say once and for all that a true conflict is NOT choosing between "doing nothing and going home" and "acting out even though it is scary and dangerous"? That's a perfunctory choice every protagonist must make at the beginning of their story. Obviously if your character does not act, there is no story. To have a character choose NOT to act is a profound statement with repercussions, but this isn't French existentialism (or is it...?).

I just feel like it's something I see in a lot of the queries. "In my novel, My Year with the Monkeys, Jane Goodall must choose between her comfortable upper class life and going to live with the monkeys." Duh. It's the sort of redundancy that makes me go "Does her novel really need to be that long?"

Same with the endless exposition before you get to the plot... if you can convey your story efficiently, you give hope that the writing is efficient as well. There's a big difference between "Jane sits and dithers between monkeys and tea" and "Jane LEAVES her boring life to live with the monkeys!"

I want to qualify all that by saying I don't really have a problem with the naming. It went over my head and I think it's perhaps even a little clever if you're trying to make a point about the dual nature of the two people. Also, I am interested in knowing more about the two main characters, and wish you had spent more time on that.

This is largely unexciting as you give a lot of backstory and explanation without giving us personal stakes for your protagonists. What happens? What's at stake? What are the consequences for your protag if she fails? And why should we care? You need to tell us things that engage our emotions and our interest so that we want to read the story to find out what happens.

I'm not at all fond of the French spelling of emperor, but at least you use it in combination with Argent. I also think that if you are going to use Argent and Silver for races, you might use Silver in the title?

Heartsouls is goofy-sounding to me and a bit pretentious. But just because I hate it doesn't mean anyone else will find it objectionable. But the problem I have with the word is that it doesn't sound like it really describes what's going on. You keep mentioning a bond that allows them to create magic, but if there is some soul bond that happens, why would the races have split and (by implication) become less than they were?

If you can explain how 'heartsouls' fits into the ancient split and the present-day story, it might fly better.

Hi Michelle: I do think a query can have a bit of a mystery and tease in it, but remember that an agent is out to uncover the unique in stories. Your setup sounds like something that may have been somewhat original in the 60s when any number of similiarly themed Star Trek episodes aired, but now it will need an oomph to get noticed.

If your hook and what's unique about your story is the very thing you're keeping secret, that's a self-defeating strategy. If you don't make your story stand out, it won't stand out.

"You don't do a striptease for your gynecologist." -- Love it!!

And a tip of the tah to Mr. Anagram himself: "You can't spell Argent without anger."

I don't see that the author needs a better reason for using French names than for using English names. If it is an alien planet with no Earth connections, both are equally inappropriate and therefore equally useable.

Buffy, agreed, she's the author and can do what she wants. But I still think the use of French spellings of common words is pretty much a smeerp and pretentious because it calls attention to itself. So unless the society is overtly French beyond a few spellings and a race name, I believe the choice is a fail.

Phoenix said: remember that an agent is out to uncover the unique in stories.
Word.

Is the heroine's name meant to evoke the historical Marguerite de Navarre?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marguerite_de_Navarre
My first thought on seeing the name was that this was alt-hist. I like the idea of drawing the imagined world from French sources instead of the usual Celtic or Germanic, but I'm curious whether it's carried through or mostly superficial.

There, and I was sure it would be GTP #4. #3 was hysterical.

I always feel bad commenting on GTPs when I've nothing to offer the author of the query but I have nothing useful to add to EE's excellent advice. Sorry author!

Lots of issues here, which EE covers nicely. You should read more examples of queries here and on agent blogs before re-writing this.

1. The title is weak and meaningless.

2. You need a plot.

3. Comparisons to poorly written books by teenagers are not advised.

4. You need a plot.

5. Actually, lots of people can't speak without fear. It's a common source of anxiety.

6. Why would a "simple" person want to be immortal?

7. You need a plot.

EE - your comment about the title generator has led to an entire class period devoted to creating fake plots for the bad titles I generated. Who knew my 4th and 5th graders were so brilliant?

Many people can speak without fear, but how many can listen?

Listen without fear? A person can be taught to listen to what other people say and then act appropriately. It's part of the training you can get for conducting public meetings and compliance audits of quality management systems.
Not the material of a novel.

Stripped of adjectives, you tell us: Raven is a mage. Thani is king. Syvrus wants to be immortal.
Mythical creatures, mysteries, despotic powers and disillusionment occur.
I can't even guess how those three characters interact nor can I guess what they have to do with the other items.

EE's very last line was spot on. Eragon. For a 15-year-old writer it was a great novel.

Despotic governments are evil, unless your definition of evil is different than mine. I suppose you mean there is no Sauron or Dark Lord for the hero to fight.

By the way, who is your hero? (In the story I mean) Who is the villain? Not the king, if he is so wise, but some sort of despot.

I think there's a story in here that might interest me. The courage-to-listen part makes sense to me (EE must have led a sheltered life...and I think COourage to Listen makes a better title than Courage of Story) and the disillusionment part sounds possibly interesting too; but like the others here I'd like to know what actually happens.

"Syvrus is a relatively simple girl with a relatively simple wish: to become immortal."

Was that supposed to be a joke? The tone of the query isn't funny, so if this wasn't an attempt at humor, this makes no sense. I'm sharing my honest thoughts here just so that you can see the reaction that lines like these give readers/writers:

Becoming immortal certainly isn't a simple accomplishment (unless it's in your world, but you haven't explained that). It technically could be a "simple wish" in and of itself in that it's not a multi-tiered wish. But just reading a line like this makes me DISinterested in reading your pages because I would assume the book is going to be filled with phrases like this that try to say something but don't say what you really mean for them to say.

The fact that you don't go into the plot of your book, and then go out of your way to say this is NOT a battle of good vs evil makes me think that this is an experimental work without a protag that rambles and sermonizes.

I say this not to accuse you of anything and I very well may be 100% wrong about your novel, but if those are my thoughts and I read about 4 queries a week (on this site), imagine what a literary agent who is reading 1,000 queries a week will think?

Kudos to you for sharing this here. Keep writing. Keep rewriting!

If your story isn't about good vs. evil, scrap it and start over.

Just kidding, but definitely scrap that line. I'll just reiterate: tell us what the story is about, and leave out what it is not about. I'm sure you have a plot, tell the reader the main plot points in the query. Don't be coy or cute, just give us the protag, the goal, the antag and the obstacles he/she presents. And the outcome.

I won't pile on about the title.

Queries are hard. Take the advice offered here and rewrite it so we'll want to read the book. You might have to rewrite it fifty times. It's part of the process. Good luck with it!

This sounds like it can't make up its mind whether to be a literary novel or a fantasy adventure. So, given the length, it's two novels in one manuscript.

Sorry to pile on, author, but all those meaningless words in the query do not give me hope for the manuscript being less than desperately bloated. Either you need to write a query letter that reflects the crispness of your novel's prose, or you seriously need to chop at least a third of the words from your ms.

Put the query letter down. Now look on the left side of the blog. You see the thing labeled Blog Archive? Yes? Click on one of the pages below it and start reading. Read it all. Then, just to be sure you know what you're doing, do the same at QueryShark's and Miss Snark's blogs. And there are other agents and editors who blog under their real names; they'll usually have a list of don'ts linked in their classic posts.

Notice that your wordcount is 135,000? That's almost certainly too long. Pare down.

Then start again: plot/hook, YA fantasy, wordcount, non-college pub credits if you have them (don't stress if you don't), title.

You can do this; you just need some more research. Go for it!

How are finals going? Well, I hope. Good luck!

As for being better than Eragon, that's a mixed question. The writing is terrible--until you get so hooked on the plot that you don't care about how bad it is. So yeah, this could be like Eragon.

Also look at Evil's list of 15 things he cares about in order of importance in your query and go to the Phoenix Sullivan Dare to Dream blog. Research the query letter until you're blue in the face and blind in the eye. The query is the only sales tool you have.
Good luck.
Bibi

To add to the good advice you've already gotten: Non-fiction has proposals. Fiction does not (not at the query level). If the agent likes your query letter/sample pages, they will request the manuscript. Nothing else.

Erm...135,000 words? For a YA novel?

Actually, fiction does have proposals. It's just a lot murkier what they should look like; but I have definitely heard both agents and editors ask for proposals for fiction--and not explain very well what they want. They seem to want mostly a synopsis and three sample chapters. One agent also said to include comparable titles, intended audience and a marketing plan.

In any case, don't tell the agent you've written a proposal. It sounds unprofessional--like you think writing a proposal is an accomplishment. (Which, sure, it is, but the more casual you are about the blood, sweat and tears, the more professional you look. Sad fact.) An agent will simply assume you can send him any type of materials he asks for--if you don't have them put together now, you will immediately scramble to get them together within minutes of receiving his request for them. So you don't need to tell him anything about that!

It sounds like it could be an interesting book if I knew what happened in it. I look forward to your revision, as long as you pay heed to comments and tell us the plot.

A quick comment on the last paragraph.

The average agent will take anywhere up to three months to respond to your query. And that's considered normal. If you only query one agent at a time, you'll be doing this for the next ten years. I realise you're trying to show how important you consider each individual agent, but they don't expect this kind of consideration.

I know people who've queried over fifty agents before finding a good match. Agents reject manuscripts all the time for a variety of reasons, so you want to get your idea in front of as many (suitable) eyeballs as possible.

Cheers.

Lettuce pray. I'll be chuckling all day long. Thank you, Evil One.

You know that part in Meet the Robinsons where Wilbur's making Lewis wear a hat and then says, "Dude, I can't take you seriously in that hat." It's a fruit hat.

In other words, the comments were so hilarious I had to copy and paste this into word and take out the veggies to concentrate on the query. Ahem:

"Prince Astlonn befriends him." To make this sentence structurally better, I'd change it to, "he finds a close friend in Prince Astlonn."

Astlonn's betrayal seems a little sudden, but it's probably hinted at in the story and I can leave it alone here.

"he cannot ignore their need," sounds a bit awkward. It's not too bad, but if you can rephrase that more smoothly, it might help.

"is at stake. Astlonn has become...." I'd change it to a ":" instead of ".", because I like the sentence structure better.

I'm a bit confused about the nomenclature of the different kingdoms, mostly because Seven Kingdoms implies multiple places and I originally thought Azal was part of it. Also, Empire implies a similar organization.

Critiquing done, I think this is a good query. It's generally a good thing when names are more easily mocked than characters and their decisions.

I don't agree with EE about the spell backfiring. Everyone makes mistakes, and Kale isn't fully trained anyway. He's got to figure out a spell to save his skin, and he doesn't have much time; messing up isn't that surprising.

The same goes for not being able to get back. It's not all that uncommon for magic/superpowers/Vulcan Mind Melds to wear out the doer. He just released enough magic to propel him thousands of miles away--of course he's going to be confused about where he is (after all, he didn't intend to transport that far) and too weak to do magic. I'd be surprised if he wasn't.

EE's question about the messaging is good, though. How can Kale tell what's going on and what Astlonn is planning?

When you use made-up names, it's always a good idea to google them to find out if that's already a word to other people, and if so, learn what it means to them.

The vegetable names add considerable charm to this. Why? Because although you used several classic plot elements the gibberish names evoke no imagery and the rest of the description is too general to distinguish your project from its competition.

All sorts of words mean random things, and you can't always prepare for it. You can, however, remember not to say "peach" when you're in Turkey.

I think Kale is a decent name. Not so sure about Astlonn, though.

I have a few questions.

How old is Kale that he is still taking lessons? The plot doesn't seem to be YA and the friendships don't seem to depend on age. But Kale in my mind can be anything from 15 to 50 years old and Prince Astlonn

Which brings me to judgmental point #1: Prince Astlonn! That's way, way, way to close to Aslan of Narnia. If he's blond with shaggy hair, you really are in deep rhubarb.

I think that this is your hook and the opening of the query.
Near the end of his training, Kale finds writings by former High Guardians, hidden in a magically sealed room. He shares his shocking discovery with Astlonn--the Valren aren't real. The Guardians use the imaginary demons as a threat to cement their power.

Something more exciting like this:
Kale, defender of the empire, discovers that the demon threat against the empire is false and to escape death at the hands of Prince Astlonn, Kale flees to another galazy.

As bad as Astlonn is, I could live with reading it but "galaxy?" Wow. The nearest galaxies are something like 170,000 light years away. Not only that, there are 200 to 400 billion stars in the Milky Way. Personally, when I write stories on other planets, I pick stars out -- Aldebaran, Betelguese, Sirius, Castor, Pollux -- names like that. Pick a better descriptor than just "galaxy." SCI-Fi's Stargate picked the Andromeda Galaxy.

The story sounds reasonable -- a magic sword and sorcery adventure to free slaves and stop oppression. The query is a little flat.

And EE, this is one of your better commentaries.

Um, the "galaxy" is in your version, Dave, not the author's.

OOPS, I misread galaxy and that got me started. Sorry about that.

How about an opening something like this:
Once a gifted magician and soldier in the NAME? Empire, Kale must free the slaves and become ruler of the Azul Empire where he was banished in order to save his beloved NAME? from the lies and oppression of the evil Prince Astlonn.

Naming the fake demons in the query doesn't do the reader much good. It's Kale's story and Kale's adventure and Kale's struggles that the reader has to come to know and love.

I also think a single mention of "the sacred drink that powers magic" causes more questions than it gives answers and meaning to the query. It is simple enough to say that in Azul, Kale is powerless and made a slave.

BTW EE, in the seventh episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus, blancmanges from the planet Skyron in the Andromeda galaxy invade earth. And we all know, Bob, what a blancmanges is!

Out of curiosity, why do the rulers need imaginary demons to keep the peasantry oppressed?
___

Why start world domination in Azal? You say it's a distant country. Most empire builders start with their neighbors.

If this is adequately explained in the book, I would suggest not labeling Azal as distant in the query.

Hope this helps.

I'm not being political but to answer Faceless Minion's qeustion, various political parties in the USA have Communists, Castro Cubans, terrorists, liberals and environmentalists as unseen enemies. Not to mention gay, blacks, liberals and the Irish.

And certain Islamic speakers have demonized westerners and infidels over the years.

I agree with Anon 12:35. While this is all working on a technical level, there's not a lot of specifics to set your book apart.

Just to pick an example, your phrase that the Guardians' lessons are about "keeping the peasantry down". It's not really an academic subject. Exactly what are Kale and the other Guardians learning to do? Levy taxes? Break up mobs?

(And for that matter, why would a society so stratified allow a peasant like Kale into the Guardians anyway?)

Another point that could use some clarification: if Kale can't do magic, how does he "set a plan in motion" to free an entire nation worth of slaves? Just rephrasing the sentence to give us a hint would be appreciated.

The current population of the USA has education, mass-communication devices, prosperity, and freedom (such as they are).

How oppressed is the population in this kingdom? Do they have any education? How does information spread? Are the peasants living hand-to-mouth with most energy being used in obtaining food and shelter? Are they even remotely aware that such things as "freedom" exist?

Unless magic/technology has given this version of fantasy land a fairly earth-modern outlook on life (or if they had one in the past) I don't think that non-existant bogeys would be necessary to oppress the population. Which is why I asked.

Apologies to anyone confused by my comments at 6:54. I was responding to Anonymous at 5:35.

I'd read this book. Using the threat of an imaginary enemy to keep the peasantry down sounds like plausible empire behavior to me. And it says that Kale 'sets in motion' a plan to free the slaves, not that he comes up with it...either way would be interesting. I do think cutting the magic-powering drink would help.

Tolkien used Region and Celebrant as specific place names, and that seems to work even though they have English meanings; Kale seems OK to me.

This blog is hilarious. I had no idea "Kale" was a name. Kale is what my family puts in soup.

I think you did a very good job of laying out the plot in a short space. What would help now is to add a hint of Kale's character,what drives him, why we should root for him. As someone just said to me last week, you've got the "what happens." All you need is the "so what?"

There's a lot of set up which leaves you with a line or two to explain what Kale is doing in the other world.

Start where the story does - Kale finds the writings and confronts the Prince about the false demons. Now Kale's freind turns against him and Kale uses magic to defend himself. But in his haste, he gets something wrong and is zapped to another world and made a slave.

NOW you can tell me how he manages to get back and stop the bad prince. Also, some hint of Kale's age would be great so I know if this is YA and he's trained for 5 years or he's had 40 years of training, in which case I'm less likely to forgive the messed up spell.

EE- your comments kept me smiling all day. Priceless.

Not that a country can't be peaceful and nice, but having an enemy serves to unify a country and prompt patriotism, higher endurance of hardships, and advancement. Think of the US in WWII or the Cold War. Nations are most unified when they're threatened.

This makes the imaginary demons an ingenious, if unethical, tool. If people believe they have to work hard and accept oppression to save the world from demons, that's going to seem like a pretty good deal.

I don't condone people who do this, but they've got brains. Mostly.

I'm still chortling at the slave getting collard line.

About the name, Rapunzel works why not Kale? Kale is also a real name found in baby name books and on baby name websites.

The imaginary demons seem like a Rube Goldberg plot device. Yes, it works, but if the government needs an enemy it's easier to point at the kingdom's neighbors and point out that they talk, dress, and act funny, and they keep slaves.

Full disclosure -- I'm currently reading a story where the people running the kingdom have told everyone for decades/centuries that a minority race from the mountains are demons and therefore it's completely justified to oppress, enslave, and kill them on a whim. I just realized that may be why I'm curious about why the demons here are imaginary.

I find it ironic that Kale is undermining the stability of the kingdom where he's a slave just in time for his enemy to invade.

I did not suggest changing the name "Kale." In fact, if you had read carefully you'd have noticed that I encouraged using Kale, as well as other vegetable names.

Yey! Can i read the book where the veggies fight? J/k. i actually loved the query with veggies in it :P

This is my query. I'll go through some of the comments and reply.

EE:

My revision will definitely include information about how Kale discovers Astlonn's plan.


Rachel:

The Seven Kingdoms can be compared to the US. It's seven different kingdoms, each with their own nobility and laws, united under the Guardians.


Dave F.:

Kale is 20 when he finds the writings. The Guardian training starts at age 10, when every child in the Kingdoms is tested for magical ability.


Faceless Minion @3:07:

Astlonn's plans start in Azal because the only other country (Culoth) is currently an equal match for the Guardians. I'll probably remove mention of "distant" in the query.


Sarah from Hawthorne:

If I take the time to explain how the Guardians repress the peasantry, don't you think it would focus too much on backstory? I know I want to show not tell even in a query, but I don't think I can do that for every detail.

As for why Kale became a Guardian despite being a peasant, it's because he can use magic. All children in the Seven Kingdoms are tested at the age of 10, and any that pass the test become Guardians.


Faceless Minion @6:54:

I can't really go into the why of the Valren without ruining the ending of the book, which from what I understand is the job of the synopsis, not the query.


Thanks for the comments, everybody.

Hi Author!

Thanks for sharing and good luck with this.

Personally I'm hoping the demons turn out to be real after they're exposed as fakes and come out to slaughter everyone. Guess I'll have to read the book to find out :)

Prince Radicchio is an awesome name for a character.

Too bad I can't fit him into my next story for the World War Z fan-fic blog, but there are apparently limits even to my creative powers.

Good suggestions here, author, about cutting to the chase. It will still be a fairly formulaic fantasy novel, but at least we'll have a narrative to envision.

author: you said you "can't really go into the why of the Valren without ruining the ending of the book" But maybe you can hint strongly that there's a really interesting "why" there?

Pacted Men doesn't sound very sinister or non-sinister, like the nuns a few queries ago. Can you think of a more interesting name, or is there a good reason for this one?

I read Athraxas as Anthrax.

For a gibberish name, Esaun-Namhiroth isn't too hard to pronounce. It's still gibberish.

Apologies in advance--I'm going to be pretty distracted during NaNoWriMo. This is one of the blogs I'll keep following, though.

I liked this.

And I think this is very well done: "Mara knows she has little chance against such a creature – but she knows, too, that she has no choice."

A new naming system might do wonders for this. Chromatic, Red, and Pacted make it sound like your religion works more like a football league than a philosophy system. Actually, so does the plot. Meanwhile, with a name like that, your nemesis seems to be from another planet.

If the Reds are so critical, why have they been extinct? The color names are rather off-putting; it sounds less like serious fantasy and more like Rainbow Brite.

I thought it was a fine query and an interesting plot, but perhaps a bit on the blah side.

I think it may be more intriguing to have a few more details about something. Mara, youngest daughter of a minor aristocratic house, completes her ten years' training in the Chromatic Church and is assigned to the Red Order, a sect which has been defunct for over two hundred years. She is given the daunting task of reconstructing the sect and mastering its forgotten magic with nothing to help her but her grit determination.

She thinks this is all she needs until she is nearly murdered by ___________ and she realizes there is a conspiracy at hand to keep the secrets of the order hidden forever. Searching for answers and for safety, Mara travels to the fortress city of Athraxas and its labyrinthine underground library. Here she discovers not only the mystery surrounding the order but that its sworn enemy is a cult ruled by a sinister leader. He is inhumanly old, endlessly powerful and worshiped by an entire nation.

Although facing impossible odds, Mara realizes that in order to save herself, she must unleash the power of the Red Order againist the creature but first she must master it before it masters her.


something like that . . .

I don't have a problem with the names. I am reading a novel now that I thought the names were pretty hokey but . . . they are easy to remember and to pronounce and I find that I like that a lot.

Well, I suppose I'd better own up; this is one of mine - I did mention I wrote fantasy tat as well as horror tat, didn't I?

Some of the comments about "Esaun-Namhiroth" are interesting, particularly the one about him seeming to be from another planet (because he is) and about it being gibberish (it's deliberately meaningless. Though I'm sorely tempted, now, to insert another "a" into it somewhere, so that it actually is an anagram of "an author in shame". (Not that I have any shame, of course.)

The political aspect; hmm. Because she's the only member of the Red Order, Mara is automatically the head of the Order, and the head of an Order has, notionally, a great deal of authority. (Particularly as the Church is a rather hidebound institution.) So, there are quite a few people around who want to make Mara's nominal powers actual - so long as she uses those powers to benefit them. (Which is a nuisance for Mara, as the political stuff gets in the way of the finding-out-who's-out-to-kill-her stuff. She is bright enough to have her priorities straight, there.)

The Chromatic Church worships a creative principle it calls the Divine Light (it's a very Apollonian sort of religion). They hold that no one can handle the Light in its entirety, so their priests get restricted to specific wavelengths, as it were. The Green Order, for example, are concerned with fertility and healing, while the Blue Order are travellers and missionaries. (So what does the Red Order do? - Well, that's the question, isn't it?)

The Pacted Men... I'm sure I've seen "pact" used as a verb somewhere, but dictionary.com doesn't back me up... never mind; as a linguist(ician), I hereby give myself permission to innovate. People who rise high enough in the hierarchy of Esaun-Namhiroth (or similar beings) get to make a formal pact of allegiance to it; they actually wear this document (in a protective case, chained to their chests), so they're instantly recognizable by that. So, well, that's why they're called Pacted Men. (They are mostly men; in addition to all his other evilness, Esaun-Namhiroth is not an equal opportunities employer.)

Of course, EE's cartoon has given me a whole new perspective on the Pacted Men... When Mara finally offs Esaun-Namhiroth (yeah, big surprise there, the heroine wins against appalling odds), all his Pacted Men immediately lose all their powers and keel over, drooling. And now I know exactly what sound effect goes with that. Thanks, EE. I think.

So, how much of that background detail needs to be condensed into the query, and how?

(Rachel - sympathies on the NaNoWriMo front; as one of the MLs, I'm already swamped with work, and I haven't even started novelling yet!)

I didn't find the query particularly enticing or offputting. After reading your explanation I want to read the book--the Chromatic Church sounds much more interesting than the name had led me to believe, and the political scramble sounds intriguing too. I never learned to write remotely enticing queries, so can't be of much help.

I understood pacted, though I also realized you'd made up the word.

The way the colours work in the church do sounds interesting enough to be in the query - but maybe only if the whole Light in its entirety is needed to defeat Esaun-Namhiroth? Now you've made me wonder whether Mara defeats it with red powers or whole-spectrum powers.

Perhaps the politics don't need to be in the query? They sound more like a nuisance than her central dilemma.

Reds=Dragon Army-40.

"They are mostly men; in addition to all his other evilness, Esaun-Namhiroth is not an equal opportunities employer." This sentence needs to go in your query letter. Seriously.

Off-topic, how many minions are doing Nanowrimo? I'm bmlg there.

Maybe we should start a thread on the "Writing Groups and Clubs" forum on the NaNoWriMo boards?

Done. Let's move all NaNoWriMo content from this blog to there: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/node/3333279

See you there!

This story hits all the right buttons for me, but something about the query still seems to be missing. It's an old story -- a good one, but old. Maybe that's it?

Is there something personal in it for Mara, other than saving her life and saving the world? Those are noble goals to be sure, but all the would-be heroes I can think of had personal stakes as well.

So, how much of that background detail needs to be condensed into the query, and how?

I think the some of the stuff about the church should. I also agree with Rachel on the Anthrax/Athraxas reading. I also want to pronounce ah-thra-cas for some reason.

I think the pizazz can be upped in the query by some streamlining. VKW did a great job.

I'd offer more but I can barely think as it's 4AM right now and I have to finish a wire sculpture for my 9AM class.

Best of luck!

When I read the chromatic church, all I could think of was the Chakras and the red chakra which symbolizes sex (or basic survival, depending on who you ask). That and Douglas Adams and the coming of the great white handkerchief...

Ten years training in the church, and she still has to reconstruct and master whatever magic/doctrine she needs to know, and she doesn't understand the politics? What the heck was she learning for those ten years? Other than having a sense of duty brainwashed into her. Doesn't give me much faith if she's picked up that little after 10 years.

Pacted- well, I didn't think of pacman until I saw EE's cartoon; I thought of wisdom teeth, as in impacted.

I would like to hear why Esaun-Nimrod is such a threat. What, exactly does he do? What nation worships him, and what have they got to do with it?

Intriguing, though...

I liked it--even the Pacted Men. I'd add more about the church. I would simplify Esaun-Namhiroth.

You use "monstrous" twice to describe Esaun-Namhiroth. I think another adjective might work better the second time around. Otherwise, I found this very concise and well written.

OK, so I couldn't get over the -tase suffix, which, in modern science lingo, means the substance in question is an enzyme. And your plot might be wildly original and exciting if it was about an enzyme. But...

Thank you so much for your comments. They are hilarious. Ripley's Believe it or not had me rolling. Luckily for my book, your questions are answered in a way that make sense. (Why Rasi was banished, why Elijah hates him, ect.)But unfortunately for my query, they obviously aren't.

Ripley?

Sorry... I should have some more insightful and constructive comments to make, but I'm afraid my brain's sort of stalled on Princess Ripley. I mean, my first thought is Sigourney Weaver in the "Alien" movies, and my second is Patricia Highsmith's anti-hero, and neither of them makes any sense to me in an epic fantasy context. Ripley?

Come back, Satiety Wherret, all is forgiven.

Ditto on the Sigourney Weaver association. What adds to the jarring factor is that we suppose they called her Ripley because, in the quasi-military astronaut context of that movie people would generally be referred to by their last names. However, a princess is generally referred to by her first name because so many princess have the same last name. Which makes this name especially confusing here. Instead of thinking about your plot we're wondering -- why was this princess given the first name Ripley after the famous astronaut? Or what?

How did you chose these names? It might be good to sit down and review each one and ask yourself if another name might possibly be more effective for helping readers envision the time/place and cast of your story, and if so, revise accordingly using the REPLACE function.

This site might be helpful:

http://www.s-gabriel.org/names/

I've said this before, but try not to use proper names that look like spelling errors.

I liked GTPs#2&3 - kudos
___

When the invaders annihilate Epertase’s closest neighbor in less than a day, it becomes obvious Elijah’s plans are doomed.

This sounds odd to me because all the previous sentence says is he's preparing for war. Which plans are doomed? What exactly is he planning? To win the war? To defend his kingdom? Something else?

Also, you claim the king's willing to kill his own daughter to stay in power, but he doesn't try to kill her, he has her kidnapped. The person he's blaiming everything on also hasn't been killed just banished. Where's the ruthless?

My comment seems to have vanished into the void, so here's another attempt. If the original suddenly appears above this, please disregard...

- EE's questions cover most of what you need to address, and they are also the funniest thing I've read all day. "Princess Ripley's Believe It Or Not"--I'm dying here!

- The names all seem uninspired at best. "Ripley" has already been castigated, but "King Elijah" sounds like a reject from a Sunday School play, while "Epertase" sounds like an industrial adhesive.

- In the rewrite, I'd like to see how your plot is different from, you know, the plots of half the other Epic Fantasy books ever written. At the moment it looks like it was a choice between this and "Motley Characters must go on a Quest to Save the World from Ultimate Evil." Somehow I'm optimistic, though.

I had a comment lost in the internet jumble of electrons too...

I wanted to say that the query should focus on the saving of the kingdom or the love affair. This is either a love story in the middle of a war for power, or it's a fantasy epic about a kingdom being saved by some sort of magical warrior.

The problem with queries for fantasy stories with touches of romantic elements, is you don't have time to explain both. If the fantasy (and all its genre elements) is the main story, you need to focus on it. Why is it fantasy? Is it just an alternate earth or is there magic? The reference to a "light within her soul" has me baffled.

On the other hand, if its a romance novel (with all its genre elements and requirements) with fantasy elements (which it sounds more like) then focus on the romance.

Right now, it doesn't seem like you've made a choice about what shelf this should sit on.

The other thing that's hard about epic fantasy queries is there's about 1/2 dozen plots out there. Your job is to have your query show that there's something other than a cliche in your story. It's tough. I know. I've been working on a reasonable query for my fantasy novel with romanance elements for far too long. Anyway . . . .

The Ripley's Believe It or Not was inspired.

While I am sure there are good reasons why Elijah doesn't just kill the MCs, the reason's not clear in your query.

I think you could delete the first two plot paragraphs since they are set up and start with the third. You probably should focus on either Ripley or Rasi as the MC. Something like:

The kingdom of Epertase faces annihilation from an invading army. Princess Ripley knows that she can save the kingdom because (tell me why here and not just the soul light thing). But her father won't relinquish the throne. Exiled, Ripley . . . (what does she do? or does Rasi have to do everything?) Ultimately, Ripley and Rashi manage to depose her father. Ripley unleashes her wild magic and saves the world.


If Rasi is the main character focus on his trials and travails. Also, you might want to think about having two main characters whose names start with the same letter. For some people that's a real peeve.

Good luck.

"Epertase" sounds to me like a brand of heir remover...

"heir remover," Anonymous? I think you're thinking of arsenic.

anyway, the strange selection of names prevents me from getting any picture of the culture. Especially in a *royal* family, names tend to get recycled mercilessly, so at the moment i'm wondering what kind of culture this is where a king named elijah in a place where the mc is named rasi chooses to name his daughter ripley.

I can't make any picture of this culture at all. I'm not suggesting stereotypes, just be aware that names are information, and 'Hrovath' does not conjure up the same mental picture as 'Fred.'

Another fantasy author hanging himself with random names. I also pictured Sigourney Weaver as the princess.

It sounds like a fantasy, so call it that. Romance is the secondary plot.

What everyone else said, plus
Ripley is supposed to save the kingdom? All she does in the query is get kidnapped. And apparently, she can't even escape on her own, Rasi has to rescue her.

How is she supposed to save the kingdom if she can't even beat some kidnappers?

I would read this.

Though the images of a fantasy world and military reality made a nice visual contrast, I thought the paragraph detailing the author's history was needless--or at least, longer than it had to be. The author could use the wordspace created from removing it to add further detail to the plot.

Plot #4 totally needs to be made into a Monte Python movie.

I'm not really the right audience for this as I tend not to read Epic Fantasy but I think that I might enjoy this book for the female hero and her struggles against a male-dominated regime.

I was a bit unclear about why Hadde was trapped and how she could go off with the king's brother if she was under guard. I didn't like the idea of an unhappy ending and I wondered if the idea was to set things up for a sequel. I prefer books that end cleanly but I know a lot of fantasy takes place over a number of books.

By the way, GTP #1 is brilliant. Somehow my psychic powers told me it wasn't the real one but I wondered if #3 was.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm thinking the lost magic thingy that saves the world plot is often a big hit among middle graders, but is something adults tend to be skeptical of. I've also heard that one of the dangers gamer-novelists need to evade is the tendency to write a plot that relies too much on making progress by acquiring miscellaneous items, as one does in so many video games. I'm assuming this book is for adults, since the romance seems big. Maybe more explanation would make the uniqueness and grown-up importance of your magic thingy more compelling.

Meanwhile you seem to have several plots swirling around, so maybe the magic thingy isn't all that important and you could perhaps focus the query on something else. The biggest plot in the book is the only one you need mention in the query. The numerous subplots may work well in the book, but for the query giving us an exciting description of the crux of it all is more important than covering everything that happens. It seems to have potential to be really good but it worries me that I can't sort out plot and subplot.

This'll probably be the least useful comment you get, but it's not immediately obvious to me how to pronounce "Hadde" and I fear I'd spend the novel wondering whether it rhymed with "made" or "Maddie". Could you consider a different spelling?

That this powerful-in-her-own-right woman from an egalitarian society should find the misogynist aristocrat Morin attractive immediately makes me suspicious.

Maybe you need to throw in some details to make it clear that this isn't a "what women really want is a man to dominate them" story. Unless, of course, it IS that kind of story.

I so totally didn't know about the word property until you said this.

LOL @ GTP 1!!

I don't read epic fantasy, but I thought this sounded really good until the end---the part about recovering the artifact from someone else who discovered it. Something fell apart right there.

Good luck.

I would read this.

The query does seem a little top heavy - too much set up and not enough main plot. Maybe you can condense the first two paragraphs into one:

Hadde of Landomere is a huntress who has sworn to protect and provide for her people. But when the Wasting brings famine and destruction upon the peaceful forest, she must leave Landomere to seek aid in the kingdom of Salador. Then you'll have more room to tell us about all the conspiracies and prophecies and sexy younger brothers.

You need to work the helicopters into the story. Trust me.

The ending is too depressing. I mean, come on--it's a literary ending to epic fantasy!

Is the magic artifact they're looking for the necklace? It must be quite a necklace, anyway; worth enough to feed a village.

Knowing where the knight comes in would be nice.

Seeing your bio, I rather expect you to be writing historical, military, or time-travel thrillers. I bet you'd do a better job that I would. (One of the many reasons I go for SFF is because I don't know enough about helicopters to write about it. Not enough money to rent, either.)

I like your plot, though I too am wondering if there's going to be a happy ending for the couple. I'd read on to find out, but I would be sad if Hadde ends up alone at the end.

Also, the first line of your bio paragraph seems unrelated to the story you wrote, so it should be deleted. Then you can use that space for nice details about your plot. I'm not sure if the Revolutionary War reenacting part is relevant either, but I'd give you the benefit of the doubt.

Well, let's see. For $75 you can buy a noon meal for 50 students in Burkina Faso for a week. If we give them two meals a day for a week, that's $150. For a year, that would be $7,800.

A single blue diamond recently sold for $7.98 million dollars.

I was really trying to connect the dots in this query, looking for logical cause-and-effect structure, but I came away a bit confused instead.

Naming a blight in a fantasy usually means it's pretty widespread. Is The Wasting confined just to Hadde's forest homeland if she expects to find enough food in Salador to trade for? Wouldn't the supply-demand thing negate the value of the necklace? Or do I need another course in economics ;o)?

Is the forest blighted? I ask because you generally don't raise crops in a forest (unless the crop is something of the trees, such as nuts). Most forest-dwelling herbivores (game) sustain themselves on leaves and bark and nuts and such. As a natural consequence, game will disappear when its food source does, but I don't get the crops/forest connection. Or is the Wasting something more potent and therefore a symptom of the larger big bad in the story? (Dot connection.)

In the query, it sounds as though Hadde decides to go trading with the necklace, and oh, by the way, while she's in town she might as well stop by the king's place and see if he might want to help a lady out. Has she not thought to approach him before? Does she think there's a chance he'll really help out a neighboring land that doesn't seem to be either much of a threat or offer much benefit either, except as maybe a good cushion (read "battleground") between Salador and any enemies? There doesn't seem to be a good reason for her to approach him given the reasoning that's come before (see what I'm meaning by cause and effect issues?).

And, as EE eludes, if you're gonna mention the prophecy bit as the cause for not letting her go home, maybe spill what the prophecy is. Is she the savior? the antichrist? the naive necklace-bearer needed to be the pawn in a great war?

Is the king your main antagonist in the story? What's Hadde's real role and goal in all of this? What are your obstacles if Hadde is running around looking for artifacts with Morin? It sounds like pure luck that she stumbles upon the thing that will save her village.

As I'm reading it, your plot as described in the query boils down to: Hadde finds a necklace and takes it to the next kingdom to barter it. Bad king for some reason delays her by distracting her with his hottie brother. Hottie and her sneak off to find a pretty bauble that, upon discovery, brings world peace. The end.

Oh, and something about loss of faith and soul that don't seem to be the effects of any discernible causes in the query.

Thanks for all the great comments. Guess the plots were excellent--I figured I'd get about four vampire plots with a title like Eternal Knight.

@Matthew: I'll definitely cut down the bio.
@fairyhedgehog: I'll change it to read "Morin and Hadde escape" or something like that. And there is a grim element to the end of the novel. However, the central question of "will Hadde save her people?" is positively resolved. Book two will resolve the Morin issue.
@Anonymous: This is definitely not a "lost magic thingy saves the day book." I'll try to make that more clear in the query.
@150: Hadde rhymes with Maddie. And I'm keepin' it :)
@BuffySquirrel: Morin's not like all those other Saladoran men, at least not until he dumps her at the end. I don't know how to get that across in the query.
@Chris: I think my next version will fix it. And everyone needs to read your blog. That raccoon story was great.
@Sara: Your suggestion is great.
I'm taking it.
@Rachel: I'm dumping the necklace from the query. It was causing too many issues. Who is the eternal knight will be dealt with in the new query. I did write a SciFi that included helicopters, but it was total @#%^ and needs a complete rewrite.
@Dominique: Bittersweet ending to this one. She saves the day but loses the guy.
@Buffy: You got it. A big gold necklace (think Mr. T)could easily feed a small village.

Again, thanks to all (Including you EE). I'll post the new version soon.

@Phoenix: I think my new query will help answer some of the issues you pointed out. Just to answer some of your questions:

Hadde finds mystical necklace and takes it to Salador to sell.

Paranoid King Boradin thinks Hadde and necklace are important and tells her she can't leave.

Jealous Prince Morin hooks up with Hadde because his brother thinks she might be important and Morin wants her on his side.

Morin's friend tells him of the location of an ancient artifact that can save them all. Morin and Hadde escape to go find artifact. It's a trap!

Evil Akinos uses artifact to turn Morin into an Eternal Knight (one of many). Prince Morin learns that creating Eternal Knights is what is creating the Wasting in the first place.

Evil Akinos (with Morin on his side) fights Paranoid Boradin. Hadde kills Akinos. Wasting is over. Eternal Morin leaves Hadde to chase artifact.

Writing queries is brutal.

Matt, your last summary was pretty close to what you need for a clean query. Cut the players down to the main protagonist and main antagonist.

Something like:

Hadde is has sworn to protect and provide for her people. But when the Wasting brings famine and destruction, she leaves her home to seek aid from the patriarchal kingdom of Salador.Hadde finds mystical necklace and takes it to Salador to sell. She learns of an artifact which might end the Wasting.

Akinos (give me a description of how he fits into this world - i.e. the King's advisor, the high priest, whatever) uses the artifact to create the Eternal Knights, (tell me what they are). The magical fall out creates the Wasting.

Hadde confronts Akinos, kills him and ends the Wasting.


Anyway, I hope this helps.

Phoenix, you should go read 1491 to learn how to crop forests.

Frankly, the author sounds a lot more interesting than the plot of the book does...

Dear Evil Editor,

Hadde of Landomere is a huntress who has sworn to protect and provide for her people. But when the Wasting brings famine and destruction upon the peaceful forest, she must leave Landomere to seek aid from Boradin, the elementar-king of Salador.

Unlike her egalitarian homeland, Salador is a highly stratified, male-dominated world of politics, war, and deceit, teeming with its own problems. Hadde finds herself trapped there when the king, who believes her to be part of a prophecy, refuses to let her go home. Her unlikely romance with the king's brother and political rival, Morin, entangles Hadde in a web of Saladoran scheming.

When a spy tells Morin the location of an ancient magical artifact, the Orb of Creation, he and Hadde escape the king's keep in hopes of recovering it. Unfortunately, they have been led into a trap and Akinos, wielder of the Orb, uses its power to transform Morin into an eternal knight--a nearly immortal slave soldier. Upon his transformation, Morin discovers that the creation of eternals causes the Wasting.

A climactic battle between King Boradin and Akinos ends when Hadde slays Akinos. Morin leaves Hadde to pursue the Orb of Creation, the only thing he ever truly desired. Hadde returns to Landomere to find that Akinos' death has ended the Wasting and saved her people.

I currently teach European history and previously served in the United States Army as a UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter pilot. In Eternal Knight I used my knowledge of medieval history and military strategy to create a rich, believable world.

Eternal Knight is a 105,000 word fantasy novel. The manuscript is complete and ready for submission. Thank you for considering my work.


Sincerely,

I think you should end the query around the time you start mentioning the eternal knight. And don't reveal that Morin actually becomes the knight but make it into a question--something along the lines of "Can Hadde save Morin from becoming a slave to the darkness?"

I was hooked until the part after the eternal knight because the query turned into a synopsis from then on. Why would I feel compelled to read more if I already know what happens?

The first query did not reveal enough about the main plot and the second one went too far and revealed everything. You need to find that sweet spot right in the middle.

Also, what is the Wasting? A plague? A drought? I like how you revealed that creating eternal knights causes it but I wish to know more about it, especially since it is the main character's motivation.

This is definately the kind of story I could see myself enjoying. Keep at it.

Why would I feel compelled to read more if I already know what happens?
Keep in mind that the readers don't get to see the query letter. If what happens isn't revealed on the back cover, this isn't an issue.

Overall I would suggest being more specific about motivations and reducing the number of names.

If I might try:

When the Wasting brings famine and destruction to her country, Hadde of Landomere seeks aid from the king of Salador.

(Note: the type of king he is doesn't seem to add much for me.)

Unlike her egalitarian homeland, Salador is a highly stratified, male-dominated world of politics, war, and deceit. Hadde finds herself trapped there by the king, who believes her to be part of a prophecy. The king's brother, Morrin, appears to sympathize with her plight while scheming to use her to further his own ambitions.

(Note: Hadde's country has its own problems, that's why she came. 'refuses to let her go home' is repeating 'trapped there' - I would suggest one or the other. Something more specific about her relationship with the prince would help.)

A spy tells Morin the location of an ancient magical artifact. He and Hadde escape the king's keep in hopes of recovering it. Unfortunately, the wizard who possesses the artifact is using its power to build an army of immortal slaves -- eternal knights. He captures Morin who then discovers that the creation of eternals causes the Wasting. Hadde must convince the king that the threat is real before the wizard destroys the world.

(Note: Why is Morrin after the artifact/what does he think it will do? Is Akinos a wizard? rival king? exiled vizier? - jobs are easier for me to keep track of than names since it says something about what the person does in the story. Who is leading them into a trap? who sets the trap? Might want to correct details here (had to speculate). What is Akinos trying to do with his knights?)

The last paragraph isn't necessary if you've established why we should care about the characters, what they want, and what the consequences are.

Good luck.

Nearly immortal?

...Nearly?

That's like saying "almost perfect" or "nearly finished". If it's not all perfect, it's not perfect. If it's not completely finished, it's not finished. If he's not ACTUALLY immortal....

Unless what you mean is that he's immortal but can still be killed, as I know a lot of fantasy novels do have characters/species like that. In which case, I'd just put "immortal" - you don't need the nearly.

Sorry to pick on just two words, but that phrasing really bugs me.

@Ruth

I don't think I can win on that phrasing one way or another. The original version I showed my critique group said "immortal" and they jumped all over me. "They're not immortal! They can be killed." Either way I get beaten up.

Thanks for the advice. I'm stuck on that part.

Re-reading the new query properly now, and it does seem a lot better than the original. I'd cut out the "A climactic battle" paragraph entirely, though; to me, it completely detracts from the interest of the query. And "Unfortunately" seems a clumsy word to use - especially as, for the characters, this goes way beyond just unfortunate. Maybe:

"When a spy tells Morin the location of an ancient magical artifact, the Orb of Creation, he and Hadde escape the king's keep to recover it. As time closes in, Hadde and Morin must fight to save Hadde's homeland. But all their efforts may be for nothing when Morin is turned into one of the damned: an Eternal Knight.

I currently teach..." etc.

Just a rough idea, but hopefully it helps!

@Matt: Heh, fair enough. I still reckon I'm right and they're wrong ;) But I'm sure it won't really matter too much either way.

A thought, though - your critique group presumably knows your story, and knows the knights can be killed. BUT in the query letter, you don't mention that the knights can be killed, so for all we know they are actually immortal.

It may not be 100% accurate, but it gives the right idea to someone who hasn't read your story before: and what you want in a great query is a letter that gives a good idea of your story, not a letter which gets all the terminology absolutely accurate.

That's my take on it, but as I say - probably doesn't matter anyway. :)

Eh, in Highlander they talked about immortals, even though they could be killed--"if your head comes off, it's over".

Pause for a Sean Connery moment.

So I wouldn't worry.

Hm. I thought immortal meant you wouldn't die of old age or a disease, but you could still be killed or even off yourself.