Today would have been Elvis "The King of Rock'n'roll " Presley's 80th birthday. It is generally believed by most that Elvis is no longer with us as in gone to that great jam session in the sky. However - love those howevers of life - there are those who believe he arranged for his disappearance and is out there somewhere, doing gigs. What if they're right? You just never know.
Elvis – The Real Story
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN 40-something husband of Tammy"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
The present
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.
TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room
LEN
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY
(reading book)
The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a differenceLEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-dayTAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphereLEN
You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!TAMMY
You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!LEN
More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?TAMMY
That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful
LEN
Are you saying that this…this gas station and one-table-diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained dinersLEN
Was that before or after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid upLEN
…obviously not long enough…TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…LEN
…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoningTAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a
typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands, frequently
WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll chooseLEN
So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' T-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likelyTAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices… the waiter comes over to take the order
LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…TAMMY
Just choose something already, will you?WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh… SFX: LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas (The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed
in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the
counter holding a hand mic)
VOICE OVER
“For you entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
(VOICE OVER)
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He bends over to kiss Len, who pushes him way
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
He whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket
ELVIS
(in weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
Starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on
the backELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
He chokes again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck
DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be ELVIS
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine… ELVIS sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take his arms
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing HomeELVIS
ut…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!Shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the
couple
ELVIS
Thank you all very much!
Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor bastard. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces
WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together
LEN
Don't just stand there, Tammy. A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building
LEN
(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)
Hang on a minute. I can put these pieces together… gimme some of that leftover barbeque sauce...
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