How to use this Page

Here are the first pages submitted and critiqued by Agent Susan Hawk:

The Dream Pond – MG by Eileen Balesteri 

“She’s not coming.” Emily whispered to Teague with a nervous fidget. 

“You worry too much,” he said, gently patting the tops of her knuckles, still gripped tightly on the boat’s ledge.

Emily’s older sister, Abigail, lived by her own rules, always thinking outside of the box.  That’s probably why she discovered the Dream Pond, first.

 “She’s always late.”

“I know,” Emily said, “But this time feels different.  We went straight to bed after our grandparents left Abbie’s birthday dinner, so she has to be dreaming by now, right?”

“Has anything changed at your house since last month’s full moon?”  Teague asked.  “No.  We did everything the same as we always do.  Abbie held me when we went to sleep, just like the first time she brought me here.” 

Abigail had told her about the Dream Pond months before they discovered it was actually real.  She described the peaceful, watering hole, inhabited by kids with different accents and unusual animals. When the magic of the place opened up, the wise owls would spout poetry, and the birds sang full operas in flight as they dipped and swirled in and out of the warm, clear water.

Abigail hadn’t really meant to bring her along that first time.  Emily had been unable to sleep after watching a scary movie one night, so her older sister let her share her tiny, twin bed.   They had no idea that her sister’s embrace would somehow pull Emily into Abigail’s dream, leading her to this extraordinary haven.

When Emily showed up at the Dream Pond with Abigail and the others that first night, they knew there was something special, something real about this place.  That was when they decided to exchange addresses and numbers from their different homes all over the world. 

Teague lived in England, and it was his letter that they received first in the waking hours. 

Susan Hawk:

I liked the tension here, the anxiety that Emily is feeling as she waits for her sister is palpable.  I’m also interested in Teague and Emily’s relationship.  I have the sense that he’s older than she is, given that he’s reassuring her and trying to ease her anxiety.  I’m intrigued by the idea of a Dream Pond, a meeting place for kids from across the world, who are then able to communicate in real life as well. 

I’m confused about some of the mechanics of this place.  I’m not sure how Abigail could have told Emily about the Dream Pond before knowing that it’s real.  Did she dream, or imagine, it into existence?  I’m also unclear how Emily traveled there the first time (by going into Abigail’s dream?), and if she still travels to the Pond in this fashion (if she must go via Abigail’s dreams, how can she get there before Abigail does?). 

Though I’m curious about the answers to these questions, I think you might save explanations for later in your story.  Here, in the opening, focus on the immediate problem that your character is facing, and what is motivating them in this moment, so that the reader connects to your story right away.

____________________________________________________________________ 

Untitled by Barbara Gold

 Black sky moved over us. Soon the moon would be h