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SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
A FISH TALE
by Eleanor Tylbor

As is the case with many people, many years ago when the kids were young, we were fish raisers. It started out with your average, run-of-the-mill goldfish swimming circles in a bowl and slowly over the years graduated into tropical fish. We had a very nicely appointed aquarium replete with a diver blowing bubbles, which the fish ignored totally. In spite of all the none-ending care we gave them including many water solutions and fish vitamins, they left us for fishy heaven. Let's just say that given their size, it was a one-flush funeral.

This got me thinking as to how we bid goodbye to our fishy friends. Perhaps it should be something like this:


SCENE: A FUNERAL PARLOR. A MAN WALKS IN HOLDING A SMALL BOX. HE APPROACHES THE FUNERAL REPRESENTATIVE

FUNERAL REP.
Hello sir. May we at the Friends of the Family extend our sincere condolences to the family at this time of loss

FISH OWNER
Thank you. It's been a very difficult time for the family

FUNERAL REP.
We understand and it's our goal to make this as easy and painless as possible

FISH OWNER
Very much appreciated. It's just...so hard to say goodbye to them

(takes out a handkerchief, blows his nose and wipes his eyes)

FUNERAL REP.
Feel free to express your grief. You'll feel better for it

FISH OWNER
I know...

FUNERAL REP.
May we meet the dearly departed so that we can plan his...

FISH OWNER
...her

FUNERAL REP
Her trip to the great spirit in the sky. When did she pass?

FISH OWNER
Last night. We never saw it coming

FUNERAL REP
We never do. May I meet the dearly departed?

FISH OWNER
She doesn't look the same.

FUNERAL REP
We have to remember them in the good times

FISH OWNER
I guess so. She was fine when we went to bed. When we woke up, we found her on the table. She won't need a big hole

FUNERAL REP
Space is no problem...

FISH OWNER
...or coffin. She's a tiny thing

FUNERAL REP
May I see her?

FISH OWNER
(opening the bag and taking out a plastic container)
Sure...

(Man takes container out and opens top)

FUNERAL REP
A fish? I mean, she looks so...shrivelled and tiny

FISH OWNER
She was a Japanese fighting fish. Nice to look at but not a good disposition.  Felicia lived in a tank all by herself. Couldn't stand another fish We bought her a dozen friends and she tore them apart. Cat almost got her a few times too. She was one fast swimmer, our Felicia!

FUNERAL REP
How sad. We better make preparations quickly. I see one eye fell out. Don't take this the wrong way but why didn't you - you know - give her a one flush funeral

FISH OWNER
My wife said the same thing. "Just flush the damn fish!" she told me but I couldn't. I mean, she's become a member of the family. So what type of fish coffins do you have?

FUNERAL REP
To be honest, this is the first time somebody brought in a fish for burial. We really don't have a coffin small enough.

(Funeral director takes out a silver box from his pocket)

Would you consider using this silver match container? It's the perfect size

FISH OWNER
Does it have a lock on it? I mean, I wouldn't want any cats to dig her up

FUNERAL DIRECTOR
(illustrating)
Look - a clasp to keep it closed. Now how about the music Is there any particular song you'd like us to play?

FISH OWNER
Hadn't thought about that. Can you suggest any?

FUNERAL DIRECTOR
The on