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LOL!

BEE

Go ahead and snarkle at us poor authors. You probably aren't awake at 2:30 a.m worrying about this very same problem.

Agent K has requested a full on a manuscript that was written from a first person present tense POV. The only problem is that I have since revised the entire thing into past tense, based on the very same advice the above poster received.

Boy, is Agent K going to be surprised!


To snarkle: To snicker and chuckle, while making rude comments at another's expense. NOUN: A snarkle. The sound usually heard just before the cluegun fires.

I, for one, only buy first person novels. They put me right in the action, plus I get to choose my ending.

How about "Al Capone Does My Shirts" --a Newbery Honor winner. It's written in first person, present tense.

Great read, check it out!

The prejudice against first person is still fairly prevalent in romance circles (it used to be the kiss of death; now it just inspires doubtful frowns and turned-up noses). And some people simply won't read it. So this is not just another feverish fantasy of a fearful writer.

It's good to know that agents (or some agents, at any rate) don't share this silly prejudice.

(P.S. Has anyone had trouble choosing the "Other" option choosing the ID for a comment? Lately, whenever I click on it, the page goes boom and my comment disappears entirely. Thus, I sign myself anonymous, having no other choice.)

I think all this is coming from e-publishers (I'm learning they have their own "ways").

I've learned to ignore this little piece of 'advice' from other writers.
My advice: don't listen to advice.

My advice: don't listen to advice.

That's why I always write with comma splices, I also use dead words that are of the particular type that slow down what I'm trying to say, along with mixed metaphors that leave readers as confused as a wolf in a henhouse's clothing.

Hah, no, ryan, I heard of the prejudice against first person narrators before there were such things as e-publishers.

Eep. I'm old.

All three of me epubbed novels and my anthology stories are first person, and I've read first person ebooks, so it's not industry-wide for epublishers. The prejudice against first person comes from other places as well. I think some folks have just run up against poorly written first person and apply their experience there to all first person. Which is a shame, because well-done first person makes you feel like you're actually there, experiencing the story yourself.

Miss Snark, I love how you always respond to questions about 1st person in 2nd person.

Don't sweat about 1st person. Write what feels right. If it's good writing someone will buy it regardless of the POV you use.

Okay, so for my memoir, should I start with,

1. I was such an idiot.

2. You were such an idiot.

3. She was such an idiot.

??
This could alter my entire manuscript and require massive find and replace maneuvers.

It's all in the execution.

First person IS supposed to be the kiss of death in romance ... especially category romance.

However, my debut novel, THE BABY WAIT (Harlequin Superromance April '07) is in first person. I asked my lovely and talented editor during The Call whether or not I would need to revise the POV, and she said no ... but she did warn me it might impact sales and reviews.

FWIW, none of my reviews have dinged me on the first person bit -- and I have some stellar ones, so ... it's all in the execution.

Don't you hate it when we say that?

You should start your memoir with what you have right there, anti-wife, all three sentences in order just like that.

Much of the prejudice against first person POV is because it's used by many beginning writers. That is, so much atrocious fiction is written in this POV it conditions a well-seasoned reader to avoid it entirely. (this is not to say that said beginning writers won't get better, of course)

And I thought I was the only one afflicted with the Echoing Frito Bandito Jingle Syndrome.

Ai-yi-yi-yi!

Sounds like Miss Snarkidoodle is a ripe old tomato, just like me. Gotta love it!

*snort*

The prejudice against first person is still fairly prevalent in romance circles (it used to be the kiss of death; now it just inspires doubtful frowns and turned-up noses).

Romance writers spend too much time worrying about what is and isn't marketable.

Is there something about the romance community or genre that encourages thinking about marketability before even thinking about the quality of the writing? I mean, all writers think about this stuff, sure, but romance writers seem to obsess about it way more than writers I've met in any other genre.

Surely nothing is the kiss of death if it's done well enough, least of all POV choice.

I'm starting to think some people have too much time on their hands...

Ow. That just hurt my head. And before my second cup of coffee. Please, KY, but this Snarkling. Show no mercy.

A genuine example!

That's a very long way to go for a pun.

It's hard out there for a pun!

it's one of those jokes that's so bad you have to grimace and groan more from sheer pain than from good humor.

I'm still working on how to pronounce 'genre'. It's easier to pronounce the word verifications.

I'll worry about what it means later.

The shortest distance between two puns is a straight-line.

Dear Miss Snark,

I'm sorry that I have to be away this weekend.
Please don't trash the house again. For your convenience, my houseboy Brad is getting bored with Angelina and all those kids. He'll be over to pick you up.

Yours,
George

Hmmm. I thought I was pretty tough, but I only qualify on item number five... though I have done my share of first floor bar room defenestrations.

C'mon, Miss Snark...No one has EVER made an IRS agent cry. Get real...

Honest to DOG, I once made an IRS Agent cry.

But we writers have feelings and you are kinda mean . . . sometimes.

Pretty accurate so far.

Oh my heck.
Snark the mighty, you are -- in the expression of my students -- "da bomb."
Okay, I can almost breathe now.
Somwhere in you lies the DNA of Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, and Oscar Wilde.
This was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

I peed my pants a little bit over that list.

I don't qualify on any counts. Which makes it absolutely imperative that I get an agent who does!

This was the funniest posting I have EVER seen here!! Thanks for the laugh!

I wonder what evil methods lurk behind that soft, fluffy fur? How exactly does KY make an IRS agent cry?

There's a difference between tough love and meanness. It's not hard to see Miss Snark wants to help writers, not cut them down.

"3. Do you sign your contracts in hemoglobin?"

Priceless!

This is priceless -- the best laugh I've had in days.

BTW, I suppose:
>3. Do you sign your contracts in hemoglobin?

Does it matter whose hemoglobin is used? I heard a rumor of artificial blood cells recently, could they be used? Or must the aspiring author use only their own or that of their first born child? :-)

Oh. My. Goddess!

Thank you, Miss S, for the most downright, outright morning belly laugh I've enjoyed in ages.

You're too good....

ROFLMAO! The top ten was too funny.

Hold up a sec! Miss Snark makes it obvious that she is NOT like this in person. Remember all her posts that rant about agents remembering to be nice to writers ALWAYS? Heck, her bio itself says that she stays anonymous so that she can be blunt IN PRIVATE.

I've always assumed that if one ever somehow stumbled across the gerat Snarkful one as an agent, one wouldn't know from her behavior that it was, in fact, our darling Snarky.

Miss Snark, do you ever feel like these format questions are your version of "WIRE COAT HANGERS!!!!" screamed a la Joan Crawford??

satanic worshipers rock.

;)

Defenestration is such a classical means of client control . . . as a history major I appreciate that Miss Snark has not strayed from the Old Ways.

True story:

When I was starting out 25 years ago (after getting my first romance published from the slush pile) I had my agent choices narrowed down to two women. Agent One was Earth Mother, whose Times Square office could have doubled as a greenhouse, wore sensible shoes, and told me my book was great.

Agent Two was Barracuda Woman, who glowered at me from behind a glass desk in a Madison Ave office, wore Italian stilletos and told me I had to switch genres if I wanted to make any money. She scared the hell out of me so I went with Earth Mother.

After five books, stagnating sales (romances were on one of their down cycles then) and getting dropped by my publisher, I worked up the courage to start over. I fired Earth Mother and called Barracuda Woman. She said, "I remember you. Send me what you got and we'll talk. And by the way, did you ever switch to mysteries like I told you to?"

Eight mysteries later (and a spot on the New York Times bestseller list) I am still with Barrcuda Woman.

You are looking for someone to help shape your career. Not take care of your dog.

"5. Do you now or have you ever had an expense account line item for body removal?"

Hands down, this is the best qualifier and as a horror writer, I love it! However, you'd probably need another line item for miscellanous fluid cleanup. Or maybe that's what houseboy Brad is for.

8. Have you ever made an IRS agent cry?

You-are-a-GODDESS!

There I said it! I want you for my agent. I don't care if you don't like Sci-fi, Fantasy and think I can't spell worth shit. I love you.

LOL

"3. Do you sign your contracts in hemoglobin?"

WTF? I was under the impression you didn't have any.

That's right anon!
But I think what is really needed is an agent with that perfect split personality between the good witch Glinda in the wizard of Oz and a Rottweiler.
JMHO

Is 19 copies in eight months really that good? (and since I'm proficient in math, isn't that around two books a month, or one book every two weeks?)

Or was this whole thing supposed to be humorous? I seriously don't know?

The sequel to "Space Ark" no doubt...

Manic Mom, I'm guessing the question was meant to be humorous, but you never know, I suppose.

I'm pretty sure this was meant to be a joke, too. I've been immersed in the self-publishing world (yes, I got sucked in at one point, but now I'm out) and I rarely heard anyone boasting about selling less than 200 copies. Yes, plenty of books sold less, but either the authors knew it wasn't much, or they were enthusiastic about their progress but were reluctant to quote actual numbers until you dragged it out of them.

what a hilarious question. seriously cracked me up.

Thanks for my hearty chuckle of the day. :-D

This isn't real. This can't be real. Miss Snark, are you puttin' up a funny-funny? LOL.

I'm guess (rather, I'm hoping) this is a joke.

19? Good start, but I'm guessing the writer was never a Girl Scout selling those cookies. Come on, man! You should have sales of well over 37 copies by now. Find the nearest kid in a green beret and get some sales tips (which means hit up your mom, your Dad and EVERYONE in their offices.) Funny, funny, funny post, Miss S! Thanks for the laugh.
icky wordver: ooooz uxi as in "If I ooze uxi please call a doctor."

I have a stabbing pain in my grossly under-used satire-centre (between the hypothalamus and the irony node at approximately the place I would reach if I stabbed a sharpened pencil right up my nose).

Yes, people to brag about selling 200. : / I have also had ebook writers say that they have been assured they did very well in selling less than 20 copies of their first novel in the first six months or so.

I'm guessing that this person published using an online/POD/self-publishing company. This is NOT self-publishing. And it makes selling significant numbers of books very much more unlikely.

While there are a number of good reasons not to self-publish, it is perfectly possible to sell tens of thousands of copies of a decent book. That, however, requires that you actually publish it well.

Publishing anything well, as a beginner, requires that you have significant resources (either lots of money, or a little money and lots of talent, plus lots of time either way), and that you be good at running a business. Most would-be self-publishers don't meet those criteria.

For an example of those who published well, consider the case of Eragon (before they sold out to Knopf), or the Passporter series of travel books, or Lonely Planet's beginnings, or . . . .

Mr. Clooney isn't in my trunk but he IS knocking at my door. See ya!

So DO you have favorite clients? Are there some that are more enjoyable than others, and if so, why?

It's "que", Miss S..."queue" is what they call a line over here in England. :-)

It's the little imperfections that make one perfect.

I meant queue, like a line up.
I thought it was a line up of questions. I actually had to look up how to spell it.

oh well, some jokes are just off the mark!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I understood right away it was "question queue," Miss Snark.
I would think most people did.
Fret not.

The one thing I asked and really wanted a straight answer to is "How do you like to work?" I figure if I know my new agent's style and have an idea of timelines and reporting I'll relax. Or I'll pretend to relax. So I don't become a royal pain in the ass. I'm a big believer in saying straight out "I'm new at this. Tell me what you excpect from me and what will make you rue the day you ever called me." It's easier and saves me a lot of embarrassment. I'm such a middle child - the peace maker. Just call me Jan Brady!

Actually, it was the question mark that did it, because in Spanish you put the little upside-down question mark before the question and the right-side-up one after it (as I'm sure you know.) I didn't think your computer had an upside-down one so I assumed you meant it to be upside down.

Sorry. I do get the joke now.

I'm just going to go sit in the corner now with my mouth firmly shut.

Mr. C is just over in Greer filming. Should I nab him and toss him in the back of my station wagon? No trunk, sorry, but I don't think restraints will be necessary when he finds out you are at the end of the journey. Could you meet me halfway? I need to buy dog treats today and my time is limited.

kgt

Okay, color me Nitwit of the Week, but I don't get why Actual Agent Question #2 is stupid. Suppose I'm supposed to be doing 10 things to promote my book, and I've only thought of 9? Isn't my agent the right person to ask?

If I'm a nitwit, oh well, it won't be the first time--or the last, I daresay.

T2

Deb: From each pair of questions, #1 is Never Ask, and #2 is Must Ask.

I hope you have a fabulous St. Patrick’s Day!

I have missed you! Death in the family kept me away. Peace and joy to you.

Oh. Duhh. Thanks, Marti.

NiT2Wit of the week

If I have Clooney in my trunk you may not want him. No telling how long he's been in there. LOL

December's in trouble! December's in trouble!

I thought it was the Spanish version of WTF, too.

I also thought, at first glance, that both questions were no-nos, and thought to myself, "Why the hell wouldn't I ask that question?"

Teaches me to read, not skim.

Presumably, you shouldn't have to ask "What have you sold?" if you've researched the agent's sales. If however, the agents seems promising and their sales record is not accessible, then I see nothing wrong in asking.

Actually, the second question to Miss Snark should read, "I have Mr. Clooney in the trunk of my car. Why should I deliver him to you?"

Ok, how about writing a novel about faking your own death in order to publish a successful novel, and all the perils to follow?

I'd read that.

Renfield.

H.B. Marcus is writing? Again? Didn't you kill yourself off with your first book? ;)

I remember an old, old jazz tale by Steve Allen who once owned up to publishing a jazz recording by an old, dead black man. It was great jazz and sold really well.

We all know where this is headed. Huh?

The piano part was played Steve Allen to see if his success was his name or his jazz. And he wanted to play different jazz wihtout a hassle by critics or fans.

He was caught because he overdubbed a descant, a third hand, onto some of the tracks and one of the jazz player/composers listened too closely and recognized the piano was three hands.

Obviously neither dead, black or alien.

I just read the first six GOOGLE hits for H.B. Marcus, ending with 'reader' reviews of his own book based up the supplied excerpt.

Now there's a story that demands to be told - but you'd have to be a combination of Kafka, Max Schulman and Mary Shelley to do it justice.

Renfrew, where is my MontBlanc?! Why not take the Vincent Lardo role? He picked up the writing of the Archie McNally series when Lawrence Sanders died. You can make yourself anyone you'd like!

There were at least six Tupac Shakur albums released after he died. Maybe your new books can be 'found' in your archives.

I think you've found the key...

Meta-morphs!
~sheesh~

Robert Ludlum has been writing from beyond the grave for years. Just find a friend to sogn on as co-author.

kd

Yea, my son says if I'd kick off, they'd have a better chance of selling my manuscripts. :)

kd -

That's not Robert Ludlum from beyond the grave, it's all just a vast conspiracy. . .

egp (author of a soon-to-be-submitted conspiracy thriller first novel)

Hey, VC Andrews has been doing it for years.

I think you should've planned better. If you're going to fake your death, you have to then create a new identity and 'will' that person all your manuscripts. He/you can simply state that while he was alive, he wrote several manuscripts that he/you can trickle out onto the market. Simple.

Love this!

Your third novel could be about an author who fakes his own death.

I've just noticed this has already been suggested - it's a hot one!

bookbabie has decided to simply cut off her ear to get attention and mail it to Judith Regan.

nitwitness said...

"H.B. Marcus is writing? Again? Didn't you kill yourself off with your first book?"

Oh drat! You took the words right out of my fingers. First thing I thought was that the poor man was making a comeback and what a travesty that would be.

You could always quote Mark Twain: "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

The best part is even the dead person kicks the guy's ass.

Bwahahahahahaha.

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, after a year and a half, I now know how to pronounce my phone thanks to the squirrels.

Hoot!
Vengeance is mine...

I had words, but the word verification just seems more appropriate: WAHOO

HAHAHA!! I needed a laugh today...thanks!

~JerseyGirl

You go, squirrel! Yeah! Ninja flying Rocky!

Word verification: eooxqyr. Why do I always get the weird ones?

THAT squirrel is redeemed, I'm still watching out for the others.
Maggie Bichon

Wheeeeeeee! Glad you liked it. Cracked me the hell up.

Buffy will go to any lengths to get good publicity for her tribe.

Dear Reader,

I married her.

We antiquarian booksellers are much more civilized. Our major problem is that talking dead people into book signings is almost impossible.

"Find out her laydown date, and returns policy."

Snort! Too funny, Miss S!

Dammit, Snark, put a Spew Alert Warning on that, will ya?

I remember my first laydown date. Oh. That's not what you meant? My bad.

Howl!!!!

I'm a former bookstore employee, and call me VERY amused!

Does she remove the top layer of each item she returns?

Clue rockets!

I'm still laughing.

this explains a lot...

can we make "snark launch" part of our everyday vocabulary?

Wow. They even named a missile after you. I sure don't want that clue gun pointed my way. :)

That is truly, truly awesome. Another reason to avoid needing a shot from the clue gun.

Tall and slim with a pair of really nice tanks. Oh, baby.

Like you: beautifully sleek, deadly, and on target...but will the colors go with any of Killer Yapp's tams?

I may never ask a question again....

I believe the Snark missle was retired before Miss Snark was born.

I especially like the long, needlelike spear on the front. All the better for impaling you, my dear.

Tanks? Those are JATOs. --Evil Genius

Gulp.

Better not mess up here ...

Yikes.

Retired before Miss Snark was born . . . must've been named after a relative. Clearly Snarkfulness runs in the family.

Do you mind, Miss Snark? It seems like the right place for it...

(Adapted from Fit the Second.)



"Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again
The five unmistakable marks
By which you may know, wheresoever you go,
The warranted genuine Snarks.

"Let us take them in order. The first is the taste,
Which is acrid and soothing, but dry:
From a pail that's inverted and perched on its face
Wafts a bouquet of redistilled rye.

"Its habit of stalking George Clooney you'll see
That it carries too far, when I say
That it frequently causes the poor man to flee,
From proposals of marriage and play.

"The third is its fierceness when nitwits query.
Should you happen to venture on one,
It will sigh like a thing that is distressed and leery
As it pulls out and cocks a clue gun.

"The fourth is its fondness for small killer dogs,
Which it constantly carries about,
And believes that they scatter the querying clods--
A sentiment open to doubt.

"The fifth is ambition. It next will be right
To describe each particular sort:
Distinguishing those that give answers with bite,
And those that respond with a snort.

"For, although common Snarks do no manner of harm,
Yet, I feel it my duty to say,
Some are ANGELS--" The Snarkling broke off in alarm,
For the poodle had fainted away.

Who knew snarks were so cute and cuddly-looking?

"This one is perfect:"

Not quite -- perfect is same title, but authored by George Clooney.

didn't you watch the oscars? green is in.

(in fact, your blog header is green. that's like digital cover art.)

Hee hee... it's perfect!

Why the objection to green? Green is the colour of a Gordon's London Dry Gin bottle, and thus, I would have thought, a colour in high regard on this blog. Has the juniper berry fallen from favour?

Is it just me, or do Snarks look suspiciously like beavers?

Elektra,

The Snark-hunting crew consisted of a Bellman, a Baker, a Barrister, a Billiard-marker, a Banker, a Butcher, a Broker, a maker of Bonnets and Hoods, a Boots, and a Beaver.

I believe that the cute, cuddly-looking, cover critter _is_ the Beaver (although "Butler" might also be appropriate).

Snarkfodder,

Loved your beamish adaptation.

MS,

What's wrong with green, anyway?

I see, I see--though I must say, I feel pity for this particular beaver. He's never going to be able to build a proper dam with that tail of his. Maybe that's why he's moonlighting as a butler...

Wordveri: cogpow Not sure what it means, but I like it

What? I don't get why this isn't funny. Does this mean you won't do my homework or write the forward for my upcoming masterpeice, either? How unreasonable!!!

HAHAHA!! Good one, emailer.

~JerseyGirl

"Love you, love your blog, love your dog, etc."

Heh, and that about sums it up.

Oh dear nitwit of the day--do you not know flattery gets you no where with Miss Snark?

Pity.

It takes gin and George, baby... Gin and George. (Who, by the way, according to my husband on Oscar night, said, "Wow, Clooney is aging well!"

I'll say.

Does this mean that Miss Snark will not grammar check my erotic Star Trek fan fiction?

Funny.


Not.

Maybe Evil Editor can help you out...in a few days. Check Miss Snark's links.

PS--Oh, and Miss Snark, if after reading my materials, you feel overwhelmed by the urge to offer representation, I hope you'll understand that I can't just jump at the first agent who shows interest in my work. I'll want to take some time to feel out other offers. But thanks!

This is someone who is persistent with their idea of an amusing joke.

How about you just take a look at the font I'm using, and we'll call it a day?

No, no, Snarksters! Have you not heard? Do you not yet understand?

It's George, THEN gin!

Sheesh, peeps. Get it right.

T2

Agent blogs keep saying writers need to be persistent. :)

Miss Snark? I'm tired. Would you please spell check my MS before I send it to another agent? You'll enjoy reading it anyway. An entire girls' orphanage is wiped out by invading psychopathic Catholic priests wielding sharp ended crosses who only want the world to have young boys in it. It's 150,000 words, but I can cull it back to 149,999 in a heartbeat. Please? As I said, I'm really tired. And I really want to work with this agent. If he passes I'll still call you. Or I'll drop by.

See? I too enjoy an occasional snarkfest.

Erotic Star Trek fan fiction never needs grammar correction. What with the medley of tricorders, Prime Directives, and neoprene, no one will care about the hanging participle.

As Ramona's grandmother used to say, "Once is funny, twice is silly, three times is a spanking."

A few extraneous that's would really make this work.

I was going to say: I HATE novels where the narrator speaks to the audience much less TWO narrators. Then I remembered, The Pale Blue Eye, up for an Edgar this year. So I take it back since Bayard does both and his novel is wonderful.

Boy, you Snarklings don't like anything that doesn't have a dead body, a serial killer, or a pair of Jimmy Choos, do you?

Serious literary novels often move all over the place. The Ice Storm; Breath, Eyes, Memory; Billy Dead, The Lovely Bones...

I think the synopsis should tell the main event your story hangs on (and you have to have a good one -- that's key), then say how this event causes the characters to re-examine their lives or whatever. The things your characters remember should influence what they're doing now, otherwise you have a mess, not a novel.

Good luck with it. And yes, there's an audience for books that don't have a killer on the loose or a Boyfriend Who Can't Commit.

Delilah, great response. It's wonderful when we take a moment to give advice that we all might make use of.

To those of you who rip the presentation of the question apart and say that the person is in no position to even ask it...how useless for everyone. Yes, don't ask questions about querying on a Q&A site until you are a good enough writer to begin querying. No questions unless you're ready to publish! We mock and shame questioners here.

I'm grumpy today.

*close eyes. deep breath.*

Takes a nip of gin, and gazes at picture of George Clooney for strength.

Takes another nip of gin.

I'm glad you find my blog helpful. Keep coming.

You need to redraft. Then redraft again. And then, maybe, start to think about writing a synopsis.

Ask Killer Yapp nicely, and he may direct you to the Crapometer of Synopses.





- KY: Don't. Like. Parrrentheses. Rrrff!

The fact that you have more than one narrator using the second person suggests to me that you have drafted an attempt at a novel when an attempt at a play might have been more fruitful.

Reminiscing can work well in plays. So can soliloquys, or apostrophes to the audience.

If you wish to stick at your novel, keep in mind Hemingway's iceberg rule. Give your characters hefty backstories if you wish but consider whether your story might have more power if they remained unvoiced.

But to repeat: writing a riveting synopsis only enters the ballpark once you have written an unputdownable novel.







Kicks off stilettoes, stretches and spritzes the venus nitwat-trap next to the computer. KY resumes deleting e-mailed queries.

*collapses*

To the letter writer: I think Nick Hornby's "A Long Way Down," which uses four switching narrators, might be helpful to you. I think they break the 4th Wall (or I could just think that because I listened to the audiobook and felt like the characters were speaking right to me.) Read and compare, you know? (Plus, the book is pretty great. I think, anyway.)

But I agree w/Brady: Talk about the main thrust of the novel without trying to reorder the whole thing chronologically.

Fire Lindsay Lohan and get a real editor. Alternatively, have a native speaker of English look over your letter, any letter. Ever.

Seriously.

Dear Nitwit,

Shut up. Read the blog daily for several months at least. Read other writing blogs. Write your novel. Join a critique group. Make the group read your novel. Listen to what they say. Invest in a Writer's Market book. Then and only then feel free to ask a question.

With love and best wishes,

Miss Snark Substitute

Have you, by any chance, been watching any of those TV shows (like "The Office") where the characters talk to the audience? If I understand what you are proposing, it sounds like it would be better suited to a screenplay, rather than a novel. People who love to read should write books. People who love to watch movies and television should write screenplays. As they say, write what you know. This doesn't sound like a novel to me.

I think it's a little mean-spirited to fire up the snark rockets so quickly for a new reader of this blog. I would hate to see someone run for the hills or worse, feel like she should give up writing just because she received a dose of snark for which she was unprepared.

And despite the perkiness of the post, it was a valid question. I would recommend trying to write the synopsis in the style of the novel, keeping all the storylines intertwined, rather than make the synopsis more static with each story arc set apart from one another.

Okay, snarklings. About this talking to the audience thing, apparently none of you have read Michel Faber's "The Crimson Petal and the White."

The protagonist talks to her readers throughout the book. And I think it's a rather fetching approach.

Hey, thanks for not posting my comment. That's five in a row you've censored.

Why are people having such visceral reactions to this? I mean other than the typos and the roundabout sentences. Is there some sort of inside joke here? And what's with the colored words?

Oh Dear!

It looks like I have been Snarked. As the sender of the above email, I can hold my hands up and admit that it was well deserved to. That’s very much the risk with not checking through what I was typing. A silly mistake enough at the best of times, let alone when asking for advice.

Thank you Miss Snark for making my spelling mistakes and bad word choices clear. At least I hope that was you and not how I wrote the email otherwise I am beyond redemption. For those Snarklings who took the time to correct my pathetic attempts at grammar It is something I shall take away with me to help me improve.

I hope it give you all a laugh. I have read through the responses, and finding a lot of them helpful. The rest I am getting a giggle out of. You really do speak the truth and I appreciate that.

I shall say it now. I am very much a nit twit. I deserved much worse than what I got. I also got conformation of what I thought though, The style and way it is written is complicated, wacky and should just be scrapped.

When the Crapometer comes around next I would be more than willing to submit it for the rip apart. (That is if Miss Snark has not blacklisted me as someone deserving of not being allowed to submit-I would not blame her in the least!)

By the way to answer the questions it currently stands at about 50180 words which is way too short, or way too long. The flashbacks are not the main plot at all, (In fact yes it actually does involve an attempted murder heaven help me.) I will admit that that it would at the moment work better as a script. It was probably my crap way of explaining it that made it seem much worse than it is.

I Will take the advice about writing circles though,harsh critics are people I am rapidly learning to listen to and it can only help me improve right?

Again thank you for your comments Snarklings and for not being as mean as I honestly expected you to be.

*I shall scurry back to the my corner of England now where I shall hang my head in shame!*

the colored ink was in the email. I wasn't sure what it meant either.

Miss Snark

That was not my intention for the words to appear in Green.

I will now risk an much more deserved round of Snark for being dumb as well as a nit twit.

I am Really very very sorry about the green words and erm everything. I really am a Muppet.

*Hangs head with even greater Shame.*

Angela take heart. Don't scrap something on the basis of what commenters say.
You sound like you can learn.
That is not being a nitwit.
If I had listened to all the commenters on Kristin Nelson's blog last June I might have scrapped my novel LOTTERY because they all said (including Kristin) that the lottery premise is so very overdone.
And I would not have gotten my significant deal from Putnam just this December.
So take heart and keep writing.
I think it sounds interesting.

Angela that's an outstandingly gracious response. There's nothing wrong with a good snarking, but some of the remarks here have been pretty mean-spirited. You've risen above it all. All the best with your writing future.

Dear dog! Pass the gin pail, por favor!

You lost me at First of all I shall state...

Having more than one narrator rarely works. Breaking the fourth wall never works. Your query and synopsis had better be top notch, because you're starting with two strikes against you.

I don't think your timeline problem is relevant, and here's why:

You've got a two page synopsis, give or take. If there is so little actual plot in your novel that Character A's memories of pregnancy need to go in that synopsis, you've got a bigger problem on your hands than what order to put things in. Conversely, if Character A's long-lost child shows up on her doorstep, we can figure out she was pregnant once without a trip down memory lane being included in the synopsis.

If you do have to put it in the synopsis, introduce the information in the same order as it is introduced in the book, unless there is a compelling reason to do otherwise.

Hell's bells, Angela! I just wanted to know what the pretty colors were about. I wondered if it were a code, something Da Vinciesque, that I was too dim to comprehend. Probably had more to do with a character that Miss Snark's mail client interprets as 'green' for whatever strange reason that Miss Snark's mail client does that, than anything that happened in the typing of it.

All you did was ask a question about how to write a synopsis for a novel in which the story proceeds in an atypical way. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that if the synopsis is this much of a stymy, you're not ready to write the synopsis yet. Perhaps the work isn't well-defined enough, either on paper, or in your mind, or both.

Soooo...go back to work. Outline what happens in the novel, maybe do a flow chart. People love flow charts. Then see if you have an irredeemable mess or a work of hidden genius you've yet to illuminate.

And have fun. That's why you're writing, correct? Because you enjoy it?

delialh (delilah?) -

There is no one on this blog who is capable of telling you whether your work as written is "complicated, wacky and should just be scrapped." We haven't read it -- it may be *genius*! If you took that opinion away from reading the comments, you should read again.

What they are trying to tell you, in various ways, is that writing is a profession that you must treat seriously, at all times, even if you are joking. Assuming you want to be taken seriously.

First: As a writer, your words are your calling card. If you write sloppy questions, people will make assumptions about your other writing.

Fair or not, it is in your power to affect their perceptions. Use it to your advantage.

Second: Other people's time is valuable, especially people whom you would like to influence.
That means: write clearly and succinctly; write to the best of your ability.

Save the reader effort and time, and it will be appreciated. They may not even know that it took you two hours to get the email just right. But the quality of the writing and the ease of reading it will make people willing to read more.

Third: The word "synopsis" is used for at least three different things. Start from the question of "What is the purpose of *this* synopsis?"

If the purpose of the synopsis is to help you understand the structure of your story, so that you can improve your story, then it doesn't matter to anyone but yourself what form it's in. Write it in quatrains if it helps you focus.

If the purpose of the synopsis is to sell the book to an agent or a publisher, then it should *generally* be written in third person, present tense, and cover all the events of the book at a high level. Aim for one to two paragraphs per chapter, but don't let the guideline be a straight jacket. Final length 8-20 pages depending on ... stuff.

And give it the closest tone you can to the tone in the book.

Likewise, if the purpose of the synopsis is to sell the story to Hollywood, there is a slightly different format that sounds exactly like the second one above but has different emphasis. The difference is immaterial at your point in the process.

There are more kinds. Figure out what the purpose of the one you are writing is. Then write to that purpose.

And make every paragraph that you write the best that you can make it. Except when it's just a placeholder for the brilliant thing you'll write later, in which case drop it in and move on, because you can't afford to wait for the right word when you haven't met quota yet.

ohmigod! bad sign! the evil green word virus guy is loose!!

When an agent asks for a synopsis they usually specify length, usually one or two pages. When they ask for a "detailed synopsis" I believe it means something in the neighborhood of twenty or so pages.

"I am currently working on a second draft of a novel that has two narrators whom break the fourth wall"

So them break that wall, do them?

A twenty page synopsis? That sounds like a non-fiction proposal. If someone requested that for my novel, I'd have to pass. Let them read the damn pages or forget it.

One thing for sure, you have a unique voice. I like it. It's different and rather endearing. Join a writer's group to help you work out some of the errors in grammar and punctuation. Even the roundabout sentences can work if used like spice. They can add to the voice. Just don't do it too much or it can become overwhelming. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep asking questions. And don't let anyone tell you what you can't do. You can break absolutely any "rule" so long as you can show you are doing it on purpose and are in control of your work (consistent grammar and punctuation will help that)and it works for your story. Write and rewrite your synopsis in several different ways and show those to a critique group too so you can see how others are interpreting your story. Good luck.

A tip of the gin pail (no, I'm not wearing it on my head...ok, fine, a cliched tip of the hat) to Angela for taking some serious snark very very well. But really, enough with the "oh I'm too dumb to deserve to submit to the crapometer" (paraphrasing). We all make mistakes. Often they are much stupider mistakes than somehow writing random words in green, or not checking our grammar. If you can accept criticism, and use it to improve your novel and query letter, you are most definitely NOT a nitwit. Good luck!

Please, Miss Snark. Can't you hear the cries for help? SynopsEs in need of a snark-a-haul.

I can't be Brady Westwater and come right out and ask. I don't want the public flogging.

Is there a "tipping" point for you?
A certain number of nitwit questions that will make you throw your arms into the air and say "These snarklings need another crap-o-meter!"

Curious and hopeful.....

Whilst. whilst, whilst, whilst, whilst, whilst. I couldn't get past whilst. Very sorry.

i just finished reading Jonathan Safran Foer's debut, and this weird book included quite a lot of experimentation in form.

And the weirdness works.

but, a synopsis doesn't have to include all the broken points of view, or the three different narrators - two of them writing through their thick accents - and, of course the synopsis does not include the many fantastical elements that appear from time to time.

"A young translator and his grandfather escort an American writer in the Ukraine. They search for the woman who saved the writer's Jewish grandfather during World War II."

What's the big picture? If all of your experimentation is well-written, it will be self-explanatory.

That's my opinion, anyway. My opinion and 2.20 in Euro gets you a one way bus ticket on the Wiesbaden metro.

Angela, that is too funny that your email contained the colored words.

MS-is that what you meant when you said you could see the emails that people scrapped? Your email program can pick up the words that were changed? That's freaking awesome! I want one of those.

Oh yeah, and to Grammar Pest -

I doubt many of us missed the enormous problems, assuming we're speaking da english, in that email, issues so extensive, I don't believe any of us who frequent Miss Snark's blog feel we can correct them in a simple, arrogant reponse.

The sender sounded to me as if they were imbued with joy at the writing process. My initial snarky response served no purpose other than to dash the writer's hopes. In recompense, I plan a few extra licks with the old beaded whip over the next several days.

Miss Angela -- If you aren't seeking commercial success and this is how you really want to write, then keep learning and writing, darling. And remember Clifton Fadiman's review of Faulkner's masterpiece, Abaslom, Abaslom:

"The final blowup of what was once a remarkable, if minor, talent."

Who knows, maybe you are creating a new style - "Stream of Crayolaness."

Angela...You get huge points just for signing your name, and please take all comments from blog pages with tongue-in-cheek.

Hey! There's another Brenda!

Feeding Frenzy!

Angela, you go, girl. When you sell your book, come back here and gloat.

Oh, and for the record, just write your synopsis as if you were telling a good friend what your book is about. Don't worry overly much about details.

"Whilst" is British. It's formal and stilted to American ears, but perfectly common British English.

Angela,

Don't hang your head in shame; just continue writing your book. It doesn't matter if you decide, after it's finished, that it'll never see the light of day. But until you actually write, THE END, how would you know if it's worth it to revise it? Sometimes you know to abandon a few chapters in; sometimes you don't. I once abandoned a story by the 3rd or 4th chapter; reading it a few years later, I was right to do that because it sucked.

But I don't think it's necessarily something you can pick up on right away, esp. if you haven't been writing fiction for very long. (And don't we all have issues with some or a lot of the processes of writing? Grammar, spelling, whatever?)

So keep writing it. Finish it. Put it away for a month or so. Go through it with fresh eyes. Do you like most of what you see? If so, start the revision process. Put it away for a couple of weeks and come back to it. Revise again.

At this point, you might want to consider an online or in-person critique group. Or not. Your choice, of course.

If you don't like what you see after you've put it away the first time, put it aside and work on something else. You can always come back to it at a later date, if you decide you want to. Who knows? Maybe you'll cannibalize that story, taking character names or snippits of dialogue or something.

As for synopses...do a google search. I won't say that examples abound, but here are a couple to start with:

www.writing-world.com/publish/synopsis.html

www.fictionfactor.com/guests/synopsis.html

Good luck!

~JerseyGirl

Snarkalicious, you appear to have increased the national gin consumption by threefold, given the number of snarklings that refer to taking a little nip for strength or nerves. Me, I prefer a good whiskey any day.

Why is it always that the neophytes who seek to "break the rules" haven't taken the time to read the requisite theory and praxis and actually learn the rules they wish to break? (and, while they're at it, find out why, in less primitive visceral terms, why they wish to break them?) oh, i forgot. that would require actually knowing how to read and think. i would throw a query or synopsis like this directly in the delete folder. i can't take anyone seriously, regardless of commitment to the craft, who doesn't know the difference between who and whom. jeez. my 12-year-old could construct a better email, and doesn't have to rely on spellcheck in order to do so.

I'm surprised by all the comments suggesting that the format is in some way odd or experimental. It's common (and good) writing to embed relevant backstory into the present action. Asking the question, "Where should my embedded backstory go in the synopsis--chronology order, or the order in which it's revealed in the book?" is thoughtful. Sure, the colored words were amusing, but the question was a good one. Seriously, I don't get why the claws came out here.

The reason this is a question that boggles the mind is that there was an entire crapometer devoted to the care and feeding of synopses, and there have been MANY posts on this exact question.

The weird colors were ...weird too, but it sounds like that was just translation error betwixt email programs.

Angela, what a good sport you are.

I'm always shocked by the vitriol that comes out in comment trails like this one. As if everybody here made it through round one of the COM?

My opinion and experience tells me that the impossible-to-write synopsis reflects a book with a lot of problems.

Angela, I give you all the props in the world for having the balls to give a name instead of remaining anonymous. Even if it isn't your real name, it took guts...

Don't let the mean-spirited commentors get to you - nobody's perfect with spelling or grammar, no matter how much they might like to think otherwise.

I admit, my eyes glazed over a little and a bit of a fog rolled over my brain, but if you put the synopsis away for a while, work on something else, and come back to it, you'll probably find the way to summarize without so much confusions. (pauses to catch breath... could I use more commas???)

Keep at it, you'll get it.

Who the fuck dug 'whilst' out of the Bard's grave when he wasn't looking?

For God's sake, put it back. Along with 'alas' and 'amongst' and any other pretentious usage.

My opinion would be to write a synopsis on your main plot (it does have a main plot, right?) and mention the subplots through the window of that main synopsis, so to speak.

"Chance tells Emily of how he intends to ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage, causing Emily to reminisce about the time she was proposed to. When Emily had just turned 22..." et cetera.

Something like that.

One of the Anonymouses accused the writer of pretentious usage.

Not at all. I realized immediately that the person who wrote the email to Miss Snark was a Brit. Even when Brits leave home to move to, say, Canada, most of them still speak this way. They aren't guilty of "pretentious usage"--this is just one of the British dialects.

There were some grammatical glitches. And the writer should read that handy little guide--Eats, Shoots, and Leaves--by her fellow Brit.

(And thanks, Angela, for the confirmation of my working hypothesis about your home country.)

Sad to say--

when expounding upon the subject of taking care in writing, spelling, and presentation--

so as to make a professional impression--

I spelled Angela's name

"Delilah".

There's a lesson in there somewhere.

Hey Twill - I like the name Angela much better. Maybe I'll change to that for a wee little time.

To the two "whilst"-hating anonymice: you're Brit bashing and displaying your colonial nitwithood. You need to get out more.

Angela, welcome. We were all in your trainers once.

To whoever wrote: "Having more than one narrator rarely works. Breaking the fourth wall never works."

If you're going to

1) be a self-righteous twit, and
2) make wild generalizations that anyone well-read can refute with only a moment's thought, and
3) go on at some length

then in my opinion you really should show enough courage not to hide behind "anonymous". (And don't claim it's because you don't have a blogger account. You can still identify yourself in the body of the e-mail.)

Breaking the fourth wall NEVER works? Nabokov, Douglas Adams, Wodehouse, William Goldman, Italo Calvino, Lemony Snicket, Vonnegut, John Barth, Donald Barthelme--man, I could go on and on, and without reaching back to the 18th and 19th centuries, when it was common practice.

More than one narrator "rarely" works? I don't know how you define "rarely", but Faulkner did it successfully, Didion did it successfully, Diana Wagman did it successfully...oh, why even bother?

I can only hope the original poster ignores you, as what you said is just silly.

Thank you for all the feedback and advice regarding my question. I have found it helpful and I shall be making good use of it. In addition, thank you to those who made me feel welcome. I really appreciate that.

I would like to clear a point or two up though. As Snarklings have pointed out “Whilst” was not me attempting to be precocious or pretentious, it is a word that is commonly used in everyday speak where I come from. As is amongst and Alas is slowly making a comeback into people’s vocab. Just for the record if, any of you have seen the film Billy Elliot, that is based in the same area I was born and bred. It was not my intention to come across as a pretentious twat; it is just the way I talk.
For those who said I was gracious and a good sport again thank you. IMO if you are going to ask a question in a public forum then you just have to be a good sport. That goes double in a forum such as this, where commenters are brutally honest. There is very little point asking and then not accepting what is said, especially when people have took the time to help me. Everyone who replied has their right to their opinion and besides life is too short to argue. Especially when it is the matter of cultural differences and educational standards. I am thinking of the poster who commented about her Twelve-year-old son writing a better email. Going on the assumption that you are not from the UK, I am sure he could because the standards of education in the UK are not up to scratch. That is not me making an excuse it is just me stating a fact.

Angela (Yes that is my real name, glad to do my bit for the alcohol industry and is about to hunt down all the books people mentioned.)

A very wise editor (mine) once said, "With these opinions of mine, throw out whatever goes CLUNK in your heart/mind/spirit, and take the rest to do your revisions."

I think your plan can work, provided it's written very tight and provided you have a story to tell.

It all starts and stops with story. Nail that, and you'll have something worth re-synopsizing (is that a word?).

T2

for any rule in writing, one can always find numerous published examples of the opposite. that's hardly enough to disprove the rule. just because something gets published doesn't automatically mean it works, or it's correct, or it peremptorily solves the problem. of course, getting an amateur to understand this would be like trying to get a rottweiler to consider taking up a PhD program as a hobby instead of mauling small children. writers who have spent years and years developing their craft know why the rules exist and also know that the reason nabokov and faulkner were able to get away with certain things have little to do with the so-called transgression. but again, why would i expect any of you to know that?

Argh!!! Stupid Blogger ate my comment!

I'll try to recreate it...

I use the word amongst on occasion, does that make ME pretentious? And no, I'm not British (but I am Irish, is that close enough?)

I should clarify my eye-glaze comment from before, because it wasn't supposed to be quite so bitchy. I've been living in the fog of cold medicine for the last week, so even the cereal box reads like a cryptogram.

Wasn't Faulkner's 'The Sound and the Fury' told from four viewpoints? I've tried to read it more than once, but my eyes glaze over at that, as well.

Anyhow, Angela, you handled the snarkier snarks just fine. Good luck! (Raises mug of Ther-Flu)

Usage issues:

An Anonymous recommended Truss's __Eats, Shoots and Leaves__. Note the punctuation. Truss omits the serial comma. That drives me stark raving crazy. The title of a book on punctuation--improperly punctuated! Makes me positively postal. (Yeah, some modern journalists gave up the serial comma, but they're horribly wrong.)

And brave Author Angela, I suggest using the term twit not twat. In America, the second term is very dirty. You'd only use it in situations where you'd use the lowest language you know. I assume you don't particularly want to get down and dirty on us...but I'd understand if you did.

anonahole said:

"for any rule in writing, one can always find numerous published examples of the opposite. that's hardly enough to disprove the rule."

On the contrary. When someone makes a statement like "Breaking the fourth wall NEVER works", even ONE published example is exactly enough to disprove the rule. Period.

And before you say that only writers with vast experience can break the rules successfully, I note than Lemony Snicket broke the fourth wall in his very first book, and that his asides were one of the features praised by critics.

As to: "but again, why would i expect any of you to know that?"

Who the hell are you and who do you think you're talking to on this forum? A number of us have been writing for many years and have published books; and I'm willing to stack my academic credentials up against yours any time.

You sure picked an appropriate pseudonym!

Good luck with this. Try to convey a sense in your query that this novel is innovative in its voice. Conceptually, your novel has been done before; make it sound as though you've done it better, and you may get a chance to send in a full.
You might start by remembering the difference among too, to, and two, things the spellchecker won't help you with.

anonahole -

The form Angela mentions is obviously a difficult one. Posters have stated helpful examples where it was done well.

Regarding her actual work, most of us are simply reserving judgment on something we have not read. Maybe it's well written, maybe badly. The only thing we have to go on is an obviously informal, off-the-cuff sample from a person who wrote with a question.

I would not assume, based upon the sample you just gave us, that all of your prose is bulky, run-on, argumentative, unkind, self-righteous or narcicistic. I assume that, once fully edited, your works may sparkle with actual wit. And I assume that in person you do not exhibit those qualities either.

I try to be truthful, helpful and kind-- in that order. Being all three is usually possible.

Angela, you are a good sport.

I often enjoy reading Miss Snark's blog and the comments of the snarklings. I recognize a great many of them from other blogs and fora.

But I do take advice here (unless it is Miss Snark's) with a grain of salt, especially anything offered anonymously.

Again, you are a good sport - keep on writing!

but again, why would i expect any of you to know that?

This from someone who apparently doesn't know what a capital frickin' letter is??

An "anonymous" complained about the "missing" comma in the title of "Eats Shoots and Leaves". Has he/she read the book, or even the blurb? The title is based on a joke about a panda who wrongly inserts the serial comma and uses that as an explanation for having shot someone - the version in the title (habits of the panda in the wild) is correct!

Talk about needing the cluegun...

Just for the sake of sharing, I went to a conference. I was sitting idly waiting for a panel to start when the host (Big Name Editor) suddenly ask me who I am out of NOWHERE! I was lost in thought so I was startled (looked like a deer seeing the truck come at it I bet) and loudly said "No one!"
Dude -_-* ! Did I get a weird look... I'm soooo embarassed! I'm never going to that conference again!

Terrific. Another great blog to distract me from working.

Cool, Miss Snark! I already read Pat's blog. She's great.

My Mother tells the story of when she and the other secretary at a big, big charity (you'd know if I named it), sent a letter to the Head Judge of the PA Court of COmmon Pleas to speak at the big convention and mispelled his name.

They phoned and apologized and he was greatly amused. (whew)

It happens.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It's okay, Pat. Someday, I'll tell my tales of nitwittery...

over a big pail of gin.

Wow!
Linked.
Miss Snark!
I will try to be worthy.
The gin's on me.

Hey, I linked you too, Pat! Aren't you honored and ecstatic to be linked to The Star Captains' Daughter too????
;)

As the owner of an inn in Vermont, I sympathized with the agent in this story. I hate (HATE) dealing with those guests who simply don't understand how rude it is to party all night when everyone around them is hoping for a good night's sleep.

A good lesson from this anecdote is to simply be polite at all times and in all situations. You can't go wrong with that strategy.

Arrrgghhh!
I wasn't partying!
Really.
And I was polite!
I had pajamas on and EVERYTHING.
(The gin was hidden behind my back)

Orion,

LOL. Okay, I believe you. :)

The funny thing is that I linked to this article from my own blog before I saw your mea culpa. Or, in this case, the culpa of your sister. Belonging to a family of loud, louder, and loudest personality types, I know where you're coming from. Glad your story had a happy ending.

Ohhh, I've got to have one of those t-shirts!

I'm going to have another T-shirt made that says,
"Nitwittery: The gift that keeps on giving."

When I was young(er) and didn't like my last name, I used to think I could anglify it (or whatever the word is, I just woke up--anglicize?) to Brown. Dan Brown, I'd have been then.

One day the Da Vinci Code came out. I thought: that bastard! How dare he steal what once was my would-be pseudonym. (I'd long-since reconciled myself to my real name.)

However, now, anyone who knows I'm writing a book and knows my name makes comments about the similarity. People cocking a brow oh-so-smartly and mock-accusing me of something to do with Dan Brown or the Da Vinci Code is more common, now, than people (in an office environment at least) calling me "Dan the Man". (If you know someone named Dan, you ask them. Go, ask. How many times in their life has someone addressed them as Dan the Man.)

But hey if (I mean when, ehem) my book gets published I guess I'll be placed near Dan Brown's stuff on the shelves... which can't be a bad thing... I guess/hope.

I often suggest Richard Cranium as a pen name. ;) -- Evil Genius

The only Dan I ever knew we called Dan the Green Man. I don't know why, as he wasn't green in any sense of the word.

In my pathetically elaborate fantasies, my nom de plume will be Robertsa, or possibly Evanovici, causing my books to be snuggled within easy grabbing range of gallingly undeserving megasellers.

Ima Nidjiot.

Anglicise is commoner, I think. (Or Anglicize, if you're American.)

I actually heard a JetBlue gate agent calling her standby list, and among it were these two names, in sequence:
Lily Cho
Yiu Ho

(read it out loud)
The next time she read the standby list, Ms. Ho was not to be heard.

I think we all fell into a well-loaded satire trap here.

You probably don't need to steal a name. If 'Bridges of Madison County' can get published and become the #1 best seller with such abysmal writing, so can yours.

Wait....


....



.... I get it!

Oh. Nope-- hold on. No, I don't.

*goes back and reads again.*



Sincerely,

Iggy N. (Or Amos)

They are pets. You noticed one of them going to the back door for some human interaction.

Explain? What's to explain? Goats are people too.

They're probably someone's pet, they're pygmy goats. I suspect they have a barn or shed to sleep in because they can't be housebroken.,...

I'm getting blogger errors while trying to post! Shame on you blogger!

These are Pygmy Goats. Some call them "garden goats." They're not meat or milk goats. They're pets. They're kept for fun or for show. Yes, there are Goat Shows. Silly dog owners have their shows, and silly goat owners have theirs.

Pygmy Goats are very social. They've just come by to say "hi." Then they're off to do their duty as garden goats.

Brownie is happy because his "fictional novel" about life among the goat-herds of Upper Volta goat him an agent...uurrr ummm got him an agent...I'm sure that's why he's skipping. ... Or maybe I just made that up. I forget.

mmmm ... on second viewing, it appears that Brownie is a she and not a he. ...

Basically, they're dogs with hooves and horns. Ok, they're goats, but they're being treated like dogs. They probably run around the back yard eating the grass so the owners don't have to either mow or fertalize. Very practical.

And that looks like a decent sized yard. Not something that you'd be likely to find in the 212.

I used to have pygmy goats as pets, and I grew up in the city. They are really quite nice. They had a little pen and tiny barn, but they wandered around our yard and garden a lot. We let them in the house for very brief visits occasionally, but they definitely aren't housebroken.

When my last one (aptly named Diablo) jumped up on my dad's car with those sharp little hooves, he went back to the petting zoo from whence he came. That video made me feel very nostalgic ...

. . . some people's kids!

Ok... no more YouTube for Miss Snark... just step away from the computer and no one will get hurt.

I had a goose that used to come in the house, sit on my grandfather's favorite chair, and preen my hair when I sat in front of her. She was very clean, too.

Apaarently I was never clean enough for her.

Because, my dear Miss Snark, the owner was raised in a barn.

Cute goats, though.

Goats also climb trees. As in ...

http://blog.moment.ee/2007/01/viljad-on-valminud-tree-goats.html


No... It's not particularly related. I just thought I'm mention it in case anyone was planning on acquiring a goat.

Yes, goats love to climb ... and ride horses too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jg1_hPzfrYk

Goats are natural climbers and love to jump on top of low structures. They have even been known to jump on the backs of grazing cows. Think of the mountain goat who climbs to the top of rocky precipices. Their hooves are designed for climbing. There is a goat farm not too far away from where I live and when I drive by there I almost always see at least one goat up on top of the shed in that pasture.

Sheesh, capital punishment for sqrl stowaways. You guys are MEAN.

This reminds me of the rat, the size of a large cat, that dug into our basement and climbed up over a sophet above the bar and electrocuted itself when it gnawed on the wiring. The expression, "I smell a rat" took on a whole new meaning.

Until the animal warden pulled out the liquefied remains, - a process involving a surgical glove that ran to the guy's shoulder - I had to sleep with a towel over my nose.

When the warden carried the body upstairs and asked if I cared to view it, I politing declined.

Another Yummy Lunchtime Story from Lorra.

Lorra, good timing. I'm on a diet anyway.

And, this airplane/squirrel stuff is no secret. Didn't Rocky teach us squirrels are jet-powered?

T2

Now if we can start doing that with the *real* terrorists.

I am sick of these m..h..fu...ing squirrels on this m..t...fu..king plane!

Politely, of course, was the word I misspelled and also substituted for blew lunch in the sink. Glad I was able to help, termagent 2.

Speaking of misspelling, blogger is all screwed up. I can't preview a comment - if I try, I get prompted again for word verification. What's with that? Why couldn't they leave it alone. It it weren't broke, why'd they fix it?

And to writerperson: would you rather have squirrels on a plane or snakes? (I still want to see that movie!)

termagent 2 -- With regard to Rocky, this anti-squirrel theme deserves scrutiny. Could Natasha have become a literary agent? IIRC, she wore stilleto heels. And Boris was sort of her poddle.

Apparently, squirrels must be rabid to want to fly their airlines.

Wonder what that says about the human passengers?

Re: Miss Snark's new labels designating "Miss Snark is amused" and "Query letters", etc.

Great idea! That's why we pay her the big bucks :-)

Speaking of varmints...Writer Beware just posted its "Two Thumbs Down" publisher list.

Squirrels are smarter than humans. You'll notice that when they board an aircraft, they do so without either checked baggage or carry-ons.

They KNOW.

Go Squirrels!

T2

It looks like they could take on KY.

First target--Snark Central. She knows too much!

hahahahahaahaha!!

thanks! Much needed!

Hey, isn't that Darth Vermin and Obi Wan Kenutbi?

Okay, normally I wouldn't do this, but given the weather:

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com

A shocking lack of poodles, but other than that, pure genius.

Arg! My nightmare come true!

I live in a little woods run by the squirrel mafia. I'm allowed to live because I pay exorbitant kickbacks in apples, blackberries, and pears.

:-O

Where did they get those wonderful toys???

Did everyone see the toy Poodle one best in class at Westminster this week? A small white; with a very proud Japanese owner...just perfect.

But those of us who have poodles know that's only an act. Put those squirrel's next to one of those hefty lady judges with the long skirts and flat shoes and he'd go into battle, first place or not.

Love it! Go the Squirrels!

Yes, I laughed.

No, I'm not amused.

Vigilante squirrels - great! Got a nuisance neighbourhood kid problem here. Can I hire them? Will they work for peanuts?

Now they're tryint to take over planes:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/15/
stowaway.squirrel.ap/index.html

Them pesky squoils.

Mine are in hiding - it's too damn cold for them to come out of their leafy nests.

That means it's safe for me to go out, except my nostrils stick together from the cold.

Are they ever!

http://www.vampwriter.com/WarSquirrel.htm

Stiletto-heeled bunny slippers? I think I'd rather have the armed-&-dangerous squirrels

And they're heavily armed.

http://light-spark.com/share/funnies/JediSquirrels.jpg

Dear KY,
That's it! if the squirrels are THAT brazen in NYC, I'm flying out to help you. Plus I'll bring my big brother for reinforcements! If we cleared them off our acreage, surely the three of us can defeat them there!
Now, how can I get my brother and me to the airport and past security??? (and steal mom's credit card.)
Maggie Bichon

I love squirrels. They're so adorable!

Word verification: getuppjj

JJ must be the name of the squirrel in that pic.

ROTFL!

LOVE IT! :D

I have squirrel-hunting cats. They would love to help KY. They actually caught one a few months ago--and brought it in the house. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to take a picture!

Guess who else can claim victory? Visit P&E and see. ;)

Dave Kuzminski said...
Guess who else can claim victory? Visit P&E and see. ;)

OMIGOD!!! Miss Snark won Best Writer's Resource! Yay and congrats to her Snarkiness. (Of course I voted for her.)

im amused too!

Oh that's nothing compared to the squirrels we have at my college. Ours like to play dead, make out with walls, and randomly have staring contests with students who happen to pass by. We also have a pet squirrel...Chubby. He has a sad little tail and a huge following!

I think I should make good use of this so-called northeast 'blizzard' and make one of those right outside! :D

It looks like a rendition of Yapp through the Liberace filter.

Ah Killer,
You look SO tough yet chic, my little heart is all a-pitter-patter.
Maggie Bichon

Wait a minute, are those squirrel scalps hanging from the merciless KY's neck? That is one bad medicine poodle.

oh man!

little cartoon hearts are floating out of my head~

I have also learned to turn my chair before reading--I now just spray my coffee on my printer.

Happy V-day to the Pink Tammed One and his awe-ful mistress.

hahahaha!
Our Bichon has little snow-dingleberries on his legs, underside, you name it.
Poor thing is just too short to romp through a couple of inches.
He's just a puppy.
I'm pretty sure he'd run in the other direction if he saw a squirrel. The coyote's howl sends him running into the house.
He has no Man-Bichon role models.
*sigh*

That's adorable! :)

Hope he's recovered from Miss Vickie not winning best in show last night!!

Anonymous #1:

Tails. :)

shes so cute!

I once owned a little ten pound furball who thought he was king of everything in the yard.

A collar of squirrel tales, each with a tail to tell.

Priceless!
Mispelling the words - 2 cents.

We are Not Amused. Beware of bushy-tailed ninja squirrel posses bearing AK-47s.

Natalie,
Should my brother and I come and show him how to tackle squirrels, horses, chickens and other assorted critters? (I'm on gopher patrol right now.)

As for the snow "dingle-berries", I still get them (and I'm nearly two) and so does my BIG brother!

Maggie Bichon

Well, ya got our attention. Whaddya want next, a light?

Love the cigar!

My blog entry about my dog vs. squirrel (with a garden slant): The Canine Being

Maggie Bichon,

Sure. Mojo can teach ya'll how to wrangle a six year old boy.

Just so you know... he's got the bug-thing down.

He's also pretty good at imitating a squirrel when he does that sit-up on his hind legs thing.
:)

I nearly did the same thing once.

Wrote query letter, revised query letter over period of weeks, editing a gazillion times. Printed it out, edited it some more.

Finally had it to where I thought it was good.

Printed it out. Put it in envelope. Sealed envelope.

Glanced back at screen.

Realized that when putting in address, I'd just put the street number (as I live in a dorm with 600 people, this makes for fairly ambiguous mail).

Did it on the SASE, too.

Fortunately, I realized before I'd thrown it to the wind, so I could go back and fix it.

:) Call it a pseudonym. ;)

Hey, no sweat. It means you're imperfect. So's your manuscript, regardless of how much buffing, polishing, tweaking & revising you do, there WILL be a glitch in there somewhere.

Thanks for the laugh. Now you may reJoin the rest of us in the human race.

Yours Truly,
Boob

Best Wishes,
Jennifir

Sincerely yours,
Miss Spark

Addled Completely,
Killer Yep

I guess this is why gin is considered medicinal.

WTF? First it rejected my login, then (after I refreshed the page) said my comment had been saved.

Google this, buster!!!

You have my profoundest sympathies. And you made me laugh - which I needed!

If it's any comfort, the first time I got picked up for an honourable mention in something fairly prestigious - they misspelled my first name, too.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear I'm not the only one who does such things. Overcoming my humanness is somedays quite tiring. Thanks for sharing.

Hey know that feeling, did all as described. Later looked at copy of letter sent out. Last para said

"I am sure you are very busty but hope you will...

Can't remember if was sent to female but much too late cringing and no offers!

I spelled my first name wrong on my college application.

They gave me a full scholarship.

(I try not to think that it was because I was that desperately in need of remedial education...)

Oh, the agent will just think it's an alternate spelling... or something. I have a friend named Dawnne who sometimes spells her own name Dawn. No worries!!!!

At least you're not referring to yourself in the third person by someone else's name. I haven't done that in front of anyone important yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.
It all comes of being called your sister's name too often...
I'm not even kidding. At least I'm only doing the third-person thing for humor, anyway.

My final impression on emails that I'm super excited about, but want to come off as professional as possible:

Very breast,

HC

I feel your pain. I once sent out a honed to a spike query letter to fifty agents. Thought everything was perfection until the rejection letters streamed in. Turns out I dated it January of LAST year.

AirMiles misspelled my first name and put it on my card. I got them to correct my correspondence, but lost the new card. So I'm stuck with the old one. Forevermore, my first name is Snadra.

In my book, I was typing that my character felt like her head would pop, and I accidentally typed, "She felt like her head would poop."

My favorite blunder was when I queried an agent who had one of those names that can be considered either male or female. In my experience, everyone with that name had female, so I had no heartburn addressing my well thought out query to "Ms. So-N-So" only to find out that when I went to the Writer's Write forum that "Ms. So-N-So" was in fact "Mr. So-N-So".

Oye.

I spent nearly 20 years in the public relations industry and probably wrote hundreds of proposals. The absolute bane of my existence was a typo that seemed to pop up at least once in each proposal, offering the prospective client "pubic relations services."