Here’s the deal: you need to shut the fuck up, andyou need to do it now. Seriously. Onemore peep out of you and you’re dead.
I mean it this time. I can’t get a wink of sleep with your racket. I hate all that moist snot rattling in yourseptum. I hate how your nostrilswhistle. And now you’ve got the mouth inon the act, doing that little air-puff on each exhale. SNNNNRRRRTT. . .PUH!
It wasn’t always this way, was it? Once upon a time, I thought you werecute. Sure, you were a little big. Huge, if you want to be honest about it. But cute, nonetheless.
Okay – not really cute. Endearing. Or maybe “strong” is the better word? That’s it: strong. You added “character” to my husband’sface. I kissed you. We nuzzled. At one point, I may even have told you I loved you.And then it all went south. You know why? Because you are incapable of being quiet. Not even for a goddamned minute. You take one breath, and so help me God, itdrowns everything out in white noise, like those winds and waves at the end of La Dolce Vita.
Why do you squeak like a chew toy when you hold backa sneeze? Why hold back a sneeze atall? It’s the mouth’s problem! And why do you snort like one of those pugswith breathing issues whenever there’s chewing involved? Billions of noses the world over manage tofunction just fine when cereal is being eaten. But set a bowl of Cheerios in front o
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