About once a year, (oh, who am I kidding, it happens more times than I can count) I get this panic in my chest; a feeling like my insides are going to come pounding out, splitting open my rib cage, pouring with blood and guts exposing my exploding frantic heart! I had that feeling again last night.
It usually starts with me looking through my notes and goals for the upcoming fall. For whatever reason, fall is my more productive time of year, perhaps it's because the kids are back in school, and I figure if their working then I should be too. Only, this causes a lot of anxious moments of, what-if's and worry.
I worry that my ultimate best still won't be good enough, that another fall will pass without a "good enough" Ms is shop. I worry that Penelope will never be sold--that would break my heart forever--and that Gosserville remain unknown by all.
I fear that I'll have to someday, say enough, and get a real job, because let's face it finances are tight and my husband could use a real contributor, not a wife that keeps promising to help out, once her books are sold!! Yeah, the promises have been far and few between lately, I'm more realistic now, I only use the words hope and try my best now.
And I still do, maybe that's why the worry feels so real and urgent, because I still hold on to that dam hope, and I haven't given up trying and praying. I do hope that some day, one day soon, I too will be a published and paid author!!!
Oh, I feel that annoying pounding coming on again...
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fairies are real
Posted on 8/2/2009
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