How’s this one?

Housework. Yeah, housework. Unless you’re a little boy in a man’s body, you gotta take care of yourself and the things around you. You shouldn’t expect someone else (read your mother or your wife or your girlfriend) to do it. That is unless you’re a macho shithead or, as I stated earlier, a little boy in a man’s body.

And what is it with these pseudo-men who can’t or won’t do simple things like laundry or dishwashing or vacuuming. Yeah, vacuuming. Would you rather use a broom and dustpan? No, a vacuum cleaner does the job much more efficiently. Besides, if you have a big beer gut you probably can’t bend over far enough to pick up the dirt you just swept up. So, use the vacuum and you don’t have to give up the beer. Kabeesh?

Now, laundry is one of the easiest jobs to do. Cripes, man, the machines do 90% of the work. You put the clothes in the machine and out they come clean as a baby’s conscience. Now, for you macho guys who need a little help, let me let you in on a few tips. (Don’t worry, I won’t tell the boys.) Don’t just throw the clothes in. If the balance in the washer tub is off, the washer is going to walk all over the damn cellar floor. And if it tips over, you gotta pick it up. Now with that beer belly, you might have thought the dustpan was an ordeal to pick up. Howse about a fucking washer, big boy? So, distribute the clothes evenly in the tub. Separate the colors from the whites and the dark from the light colors. You don’t want your undies and white socks to come out pink or baby blue. Just think of the first time you take your new date to bed and you’re standing there in your pink undies and light blue socks. You think she doesn’t notice? You think she’s not rating you as a good prospect?

Dishwashing, unlike vacuuming and laundry, is a daily chore even if you live alone like I do. If you don’t do the dishes, you will eventually run out of clean ones. Paper plates and plastic utensils, you say?  That ain’t good for the environment, man. I know they have improved paper plates so they look practically like china but did you ever try to get spaghetti sauce stains out of a paper plate? That’s more work than trying to convince a wino to substitute Kool-Aid for wine. For the same reason you don’t want to try and get your date in an amorous mood while in your pink undies, you don’t want to serve her dinner on plates with this morning’s omelet on there. There’s nothing like finding a slimy piece of overcooked egg in with the salad to win her heart over, ya know. You think she doesn’t notice? You think she’s not rating you as a good prospect?

Housework’s a bore, god knows, but I bet god picks up after itself.