I was inspired to write this after seeing a tweet from @onparenting "Looking for guest bloggers willing to share what life's like in a blended family." Not sure if I'll get a chance to guest-post or not :-) But, thought I'd go ahead and at least write a post on this topic for my own blog...

The focus of this blog, twinhappy.com in general, my book at twosnowflakes.net and even other sites I do (like krazybaby.com) are pretty focused on my twins, being a Twin Mom, connecting with other parents of twins, etc. However, there are a couple of other kids in the house :-)

Actually, it's hard to think of them as kids, as they're both taller than me now :-p In fact, one of them is a legal adult now. Ryan, my stepson, just turned 18 this past March and my stepdaughter Dawn will be turning 16 in June. They have actually spent most of their childhood with their Mother in New Jersey... we did have occasional visits with them, and they even lived with us for the school year of 2001-2002. However, again, they have spent most of their childhood with their Mother.

My husband and his ex broke up when Ryan and Dawn were very young... my husband and his ex were very young themselves and, admittedly (and this is their words, not mine) were not really ready to have children when they did. My husband still regrets not being more involved with Ryan and Dawn's childhood... again, we saw them on birthdays, holidays, etc. But, even though their Mother did move them over 3 hours away (to be closer to her family), and yes he did pay child support on a regular basis, he admits that he really should have made more of an effort to be more actively involved in raising them, than he was.

However, in November of 2006, their Mother became homeless (again) and they came to live with us full-time here in Maryland, once again. As it stands, they'll probably be with us until they are ready to go on their own... their Mother does now have an apartment, but it is a one-bedroom that she shares with her new boyfriend, and she is really no closer to being able to take back either Ryan and Dawn, or her two other children (now 8 and 10) that she had with another boyfriend (those children live with the ex-boyfriend and his Mother). In fact, although she complains quite often about having to pay her ex child support, she otherwise seems pretty content living the single life once again and no longer even talks about getting custody of any of her children anymore. She does talk with Ryan and Dawn on the phone pretty regularly, but only sees them when we drive them up and back... she doesn't have a car and, it's like pulling teeth even to get a little gas/toll money out of her. We haven't even sought child support from her because, frankly it's not worth it to us... she still can barely support herself and it would cause a tremendous amount of resentment within my stepkids towards both me and my husband. And, again, one of them is now 18 with the other not far behind, anyway....

I'll admit, it has not been easy for me... when they came to live with us, my girls were just 18 months old, we had just moved to a 3-bedroom apartment, from our old 2-bedroom (I was hoping to turn the 3rd bedroom into a guestroom/playroom for the girls)... and I was just starting to get settled in, and hoping to lead a little less-chaotic life :-)

Well, one of the first stresses that we had to deal with was, my stepkids entered our home absolutely infested with lice. We tackled it immediately, but I don't know about lice today... they seem to be completely resistant to all these shampoos/medications/sprays they have today. I think they've become immune :-p Because, it took MONTHS of them going away, coming back, going away, coming back.... the girls got infested and, with them being so young, we finally just made the decision to shave their heads... which I hated doing, but there just seemed to be no other way. We finally did get rid of them, but only after completely disregarding all the instructions on all those bottles and blasting my stepdaughter's head (where they seemed to be really breeding) with everything, over and over again. I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but the whole thing was just horrific... luckily we did finally get rid of them and we have been lice-free for a couple of years now. But, I do now know why people freak out about kids getting lice :-p

In addition, my girls were at the age where they were putting everything in their mouth... and my stepkids were throwing their things absolutely everywhere. I was constantly cleaning... constantly on the lookout for choking hazards that one of my stepkids might leave laying around... earrings, batteries, etc. One day, I turn my back for a second and my stepdaughter takes the batteries out of a camera, sets them down, and Josie immediately picks one up and puts it in her mouth. I'll admit, when I caught Josie sucking on a battery, I went a little ballistic on my stepdaughter. I really had to drill it into their heads for weeks and months on end, to not leave things like that laying around. But they were just so used to doing so... let's just say, I'm SO glad my girls have left that stage of putting everything in their mouth, behind them. For the most part, my stepkids now keep their mess contained to their room (it's really Ryan's room, but even though Dawn's bed is in with the girls, she keeps most of her stuff in "Ryan's Room")... but God love 'em, they're both still the biggest slobs I have ever encountered :-p

I'll admit... there are times when I have been ridiculously angry with them... with their Mother... and with the whole situation in general. I won't blame it completely on having them here, but in January I finally sought treatment for depression. One of the biggest problems for me was, it got to the point that every little thing my stepkids would do would get to me so much, I would just turn it over and over and over in my head, getting angrier and angrier... and then feeling guiltier and guiltier and feeling more and more like the consummate evil stepmother. Luckily, the prozac has helped a lot :-p

Because one of the things I do have to say is that I love my stepchildren. Do I love them like my own children? No, truthfully I don't. I don't have the same relationship with them. While I've known them since they were both very young, for most of their childhood, they lived 3 states away and they were just a couple of sweet kids I saw for a couple of days, maybe a few times a year.

But, I do love them... more than either of them will ever know. I worry so much about their future. I want them to be happy, healthy, successful adults... much more so than I want them to like me :-p So, at times I get a little tough on them when they bring home one failing grade after another... when my stepson still refuses to go out and get a part-time job. It took me awhile to relinquish control and let them do things like the dishes... I know it's good for them to have chores, even if it means that I never know where anything is (because no matter what I do, they always just shove the dishes in the cabinets, wherever they can fit them...)

Yes, I know a lot of this post has sounded like one long complaint... and I know it's probably been as big (if not bigger) adjustment for them as it has been for me. But, honestly, I can't speak from their perspective... I can only speak from my own. I know I would look a lot better if I just said, "They're beautiful kids that are the light of my life!" :-p But, I felt like if I was going to write a post like this, I had to be truthful... I'm not going to say it's all been rainbows and puppy dog kisses, just to try and look good :-p And no, it hasn't been all bad... they have been very helpful with a lot of things... they're great with the girls and, while they may not do everything like I might want, they do still help with things like the dishes and taking out the trash. And, it's not just the chores... they add a lot to this home, just by being themselves. They are funny and sweet... and I am happy that I get a chance to be a part of their lives. Even if it is a very small part...

I know I haven't done everything like I should... but, I'm also not giving up. I try every day to be a better stepmother. Because I know that those kids deserve it... not because they've had a hard childhood, or because I owe them anything... but because they're good kids, in need of a helping hand into the adult world. And, I'm going to do what I can... because while they may not be my kids, they are a part of my family.