I have a confession to make.
Lately, I've been plagued by doubt, fear, and nonsense talk.
You've heard of the saying, "So close yet so far."
Well I'm all too familiar with the phrase.
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| Image courtesy of Digital Arts at FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
So many times I've fallen short of something grand. Here are a few examples:
1. SCBWI Barbara Karlin Grant
In 2011 I applied for the Barbara Karlin Grant. I was young in my career. You know the writer's high of a newbie where for every contest, every submission you are already dreaming of celebrating before you get the notice. Well, imagine my excitement when I received the letter in the mail. As I read the first line of the letter, my emotions skyrocketed with the words, "I am writing to present you with…(wait…for…it…)… this LETTER OF MERIT for your submission, I'M A MONSTER TOO!" My emotional high descended. I read on, "�you did not win the grant…" My heart plummeted. "�but the judges felt your proposal deserved extra recognition." And there it was. My emotion, suspended in air for a brief moment.
So close yet so far…
2. SCBWI Conference Critique by V.P. of Scholastics
In 2013 I attended the International SCBWI conference in LA and had the opportunity to sit down with the V.P. of Scholastics for a critique. In her words, "�this [my ms] is what we're looking for. I want you to revise your manuscript per my comments… I want you to send this to me…do you have an agent? You need an agent…I will recommend you to some who are here today…" STOP right there! Not so easy. I've been trying to get an agent since. Imagine the thought of having an editor waiting for you, but you can't get through the door.
So close yet so far…
3. New Voice Contest by Lee & Low
This is the latest contest I entered. I didn't win. Surprise. Surprise. BUT I was sent a nice letter with nice comments from the editor stating that I was among the finalist. This news didn't disappoint me too much because by now I've developed a tough skin. But it's the thought of being…
So close yet so far…
And then there's this:
From Rate Your Story
A visual reminder of where I stand. Great. Story of my life. I received a few of the #2 ratings and I can't help but feel that life has a wicked sense of humor.
So close yet so far…
Can you imagine the torture? I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I'm not. I'm very pleased at how far I've come. I'm just saying that the feeling of closeness is a big teaser for me.
I'll be honest, I have a full time job with two active kids with busy schedules of their own. As a mom, their schedule is added to my already busy schedule. But I make timebetween sporting events, during lunch breaks, in the wee hours of the night, and hours in between. I continue honing my craft. I take classes, read, write, get involved with writing groups on social media to stay informed. With all the hard work and effort put into my writing, I find myself questioning my writing career.
Do I want to pursue this?
(doubt)
How much longer can I subject myself to rejection?
(fear)
Is this all for naught?
(nonsense talk)
Then I ask myself WHY do I write?
The answer is simple.
I enjoy writing.
Then I remind myself:
I enjoy writing because my inner spirit is released. There is still that kid in me wanting to explore and share a world of wonder. Writing is also like a vacation for me. I get to travel anywhere my imagination takes me. I may question my writing future, but quit? I can't. Quitting is not in my vocabulary. As far as I think I am, there was always a word of encouragement and validation that I am a good writer. This gives me more determination to pursue what I love and that is to write.
Whenever I find myself questioning myself I look at this picture:
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." -- Winston Churchill
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