Hold it right there, young lady. Just where do you think you’re going? “Out”, she says. Out! Not dressed like that you aren’t.
What are those things you’re wearing, anyway – tights? Oh, they’rejeggings. Never heard of ‘em. I don’t care if they’re “in”, they’reunflattering. They thicken you, sweetie. Your thighs look like something out of the4-H fair. Now, don’t get upset withme. I wasn’t criticizing your legs – Iswear! I love your legs. They’re nice and sturdy. It’s just that thosejeggings – well, honey, they don’t do anything for you. They’re tacky.
Oh, I’m the tackyone, now? Really? Well excuse me forhitting at your waist. Excuse me forgiving you some wiggle room in the hips. Fine, fine – wear the low-rise if you want! Let your belly spill outlike soft-serve! Go ahead and stuff those sausages of yours into skinny jeans! You’rea big girl now. If you want to look likea train wreck, that’s your decision. Just don’t split a seam when you sit down.
I can’t believe you’re shoving me to the back of yourcloset. You don’t treat your otherclothes this way. You don’t tell yourLand’s End Skirted Tankini she’s too “frumpy”. Nope, every summer, you try on the one-piece you wore before your pregnancy. And then once you’re done crying, you head offto the pool wearing that same damn Tankini – just like every other Mom in the neighborhood.Don’t you girls know how to think for yourselves? By the way, that built-in “support bra” isn’tsupporting anything, missy. You can’thold back a landslide with a bit of elastic and two foam cups – and I don’tcare if is “Miracle Foam”.Sure, sure. Nowyou’re trying on your skort. You knowhow I feel about that skort, honey – she’s trouble. Skirt or shorts? Seems to me she should picka side. Yes, I know it’s acceptabletoday to be “questioning”, but – did you just roll your eyes at me? DON’T YOUGIVE ME THAT LOOK.
I don’t think you realize just how much I’ve supportedyou. Literally! You carried twins, sweetheart. Twins.
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