Here we go again! More critiques from the October 25 workshop on Perfecting Your Pitch. Thank you again to all the brave souls who put themselves out there. Over the course of the next several weeks I will go through pitch-by-pitch and give my critique. Feel free to comment and give your own critiques, ask further questions, or just tell us what you thought. This was a lot of fun for me and I might, just might, do it again sometime (if I ever get through this pile).
13. jp
Tag line for my amateur sleuth mystery:
Some families have skeletons in their closets . . . others have SKELETAL REMAINS.
Huh? This is clearly a case of shooting yourself with cleverness. While I see what you’re trying to do, in the end you haven’t given me any information about this book. Is it a family of sleuths who find actual bones in the closet? Is it a family of skeletons? I’m afraid that with so little information I can’t be of much help beyond that.
14. therapistwriter
When Letty Whittaker, psychotherapist and recovering alcoholic, responds to a Twelve Step call from an old friend at the tail-end of a binge, she doesn’t expect to find Vicky brutally murdered. Finding herself in possession of Vicky’s Fourth Step (the infamous list of resentments) and unable to turn it over to the cops without blowing her anonymity, Letty uses the List to track down the people Vicky was angry at- and those whom she has angered.
I like this idea, it’s interesting. I’m afraid though that it’s another of those that I read, sit on, open again a few days later, and pass on. I’m assuming this is an amateur sleuth/cozy series. That’s what it feels like to me based on the writing. If that’s the case I’m not sure a recovering alcoholic is enough to carry a series. After all, if you pay close attention to mystery fiction, most cops or detectives seem to be either alcoholics or recovering alcoholics. What else does Letty bring to the table? What else do you have for a hook? As for the pitch itself I think it can be tightened and spruced up. Overall, though, while it’s not bad, it’s not really catchy enough. What about something more like this: “Responding to a Twelve Step call in the middle of the night is nothing unusual for Letty Whittaker, psychotherapist and recovering alcoholic, but finding the caller murdered is. Now in possession of Vicky’s Fourth Step (the infamous list of resentments) and unable to turn it over to the cops without blowing her anonymity, Letty uses the List to track down the people Vicky was angry at--and those whom she has angered”? I think it still needs help and I think that help will have to come from the story itself. One thought is why is she so concerned with Vicky’s anonymity? She was murdered. Does that really seem enough of a reason to possibly derail a murder investigation? And wouldn’t the cops already know who Vicky is? I find this very puzzling and hard to swallow.
15. amy m
A man who can possess people meets the one woman he cannot - and is immediately smitten.
There’s definitely something here. I like it and I’m intrigued. I think this is one of those cases though where another sentence or two might help strengthen your cause. My one concern, though, is that there’s something about this short pitch that makes the book feel too simple. Too much like a category romance and not like a single title. It could be because your entire focus is on the romance and no other conflict. Of course if it is category you’re in good shape.
16. alexis fleming
Terror Awakes, an eighty thousand word Futuristic Romance, is the story of a woman with the psychic ability to walk in other people’s dreams and the planetary police officer who doubts her word, but is willing to use her to catch a serial killer when she stumbles into the killer’s dreams.
I’m concerned that you’re confusing a pitch with the query letter here and getting bogged down in details. Pull out your word count immediately. While the title and genre are okay in a pitch they aren’t necessary. Word count just bogs things down and gives the agent too much of a lull before getting to the point. Interesting. This is similar to an earlier pitch about a heroine who could read people’s souls by looking into their eyes. Different of course, but reminiscent. Don’t say anything like, “this is the story,” you weaken your point that way. Jump right into it as you would the book. That also helps agents get a sense for your voice and style. What about something like this (and of course I’m making up details since I don’t know them): “The year is 2045 and planetary police officer Jeff Gibbons is on the biggest hunt of his life, for the deadliest serial killer the planet has ever known. Time is running out and there’s only one person he can turn to, the one he isn’t sure he can trust. Joyce Frank and her unique ability to walk into the dreams of others is the only hope he has left, but will his decision come too late?”? Something along these lines—that gets into the heart of the story—is stronger. Although I don’t think my version is perfect either. Still a little too vague.
17. kate
Fantasy Novel (Untitled)
Ellusia Carver is the first child born that has survived, since the Breaking of the World. Her father's Kingdom is suspended high up in the clouds with the aid of the Magicians of Tove while the world below them boils in a turmoil of dragons and fire.
The Kingdom is in civil unrest and the King's brother is gaining more favour as he steps up his search for a safe place to settle their fragile land. The King, however, wants to reach upwards and develop the pact he entered into with the Ethereans, who saved his daughter’s life, but at what cost? In the middle of this Ellusia is growing up isolated and confused. When her brother is killed she becomes the sole heir to the throne of a Kingdom that is turning against her.
Uff da! Too long. My first concern is that your first paragraph makes absolutely no sense to me. You’re dropping in a lot of information that I probably don’t need to know at all at this point and that only confuses me. In fact, the second doesn’t help much either. What’s the real conflict here? When does the story really get going? Does it start moving at the Breaking of the World or the pact with the Ethereans? Is it about Ellusia or about her father? I think you need to clarify exactly who the protagonist is and what the conflict is. It seems to me your pitch is more along the lines of, “Ellusia Carver has led a protected and spoiled life as princess in her father’s Kingdom high above the clouds, but when civil unrest hits and her brother is killed, Ellusia is forced to leave her protected world to battle the beasts so many tried so hard to keep her away from.” Or something that would be of course much better then that. I think you get the point though.
18. colorado writer
Freedom Jane McKenzie, mibster extraordinaire, navigates the world of boys, Barbie and brothers in a coming of age story set in 1959 Idaho Falls, Idaho.
I’m sorry. I have no idea what a “mibster” is and I wonder if that’s why I’m confused. Am I missing something? More important, what’s coming of age about Barbie, boys and brothers that’s different from anyone else’s childhood? A pitch needs to make your book stand out. Was Freedom Jane raised without a mother and forced to fend for herself? Did she one day see a murder? Did she think she was really meant to be a boy? Do you see where I’m going with this? As you’ve written it now there’s no story here.
And that’s it for today. Great work again. I hope as always I’ve been of some help, and of course I know that I’ll be corrected and thrashed if I was out of line ;)
Keep an eye out for the next group.
Jessica
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By: BookEnds, LLC,
on 11/6/2007
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By: BookEnds, LLC,
on 11/1/2007
Blog: BookEnds, LLC - A Literary Agency (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: critiques, pitch critiques, Add a tag
Six more critiques from the October 25 workshop on Perfecting Your Pitch. This is really fun, so thanks again to everyone who was willing to put themselves out there. Over the course of the next several weeks I will go through pitch-by-pitch and give my critique. Feel free to comment and give your own critiques, ask further questions, or just tell us what you thought.
7. Caroline Smith
Sometimes white picket fences can turn into iron bars. At 45, Jennifer has everything she's always dreamed of - husband, children and security. Why then does she feel as if her life has been placed on pause? A story of discovery, adjustment and new beginnings.
I hate to do this to you, but snooze. Almost all women’s fiction are stories of “discovery, adjustment and new beginnings.” This is exactly what I mean when I warn against describing your book by using themes. Few readers care what the theme of a book is. We don’t buy a book based on themes. We buy because we’re looking for a riveting plot and engaging characters. Your first sentence is strong. I like that a lot in fact, but now you need to show me how that happened for her or what that means for her or what she’s going to do about it. In other words, now that Jennifer (and the reader) feel that the white picket fence has turned into iron bars, what happens? Does she have a torrid love affair? Does she pack up and leave her husband and kids? Does she dye her hair purple and join a punk band? We know the internal conflict for Jennifer, now we need more action, we need to know what’s going on externally.
8. Aimless Writer
Eyes of My Killer: (Romantic Suspense) Misty reads eyes. She only needs to glance deep within your eyes to see your soul, your past and future. When she comes eye to eye with a serial killer Misty goes to the police for help.
Max Jennings is a by the book cop and he’s on the trail of the nastiest serial killer in Angel Fall’s history. When Misty McAllister walks into his squad room and declares she knows who the Angel Fall’s Strangler is because she met him at the mall, Max labels her a whacko. When the strangler leaves a message on Misty’s door step in the form of a dead body Max labels her a suspect, but Misty insists it’s a warning.
Interesting idea. This is one of those queries that I would close up again immediately after reading. It has me unsure, so therefore I wouldn’t answer right away. It would sit in my in-box for another day or two, I’d open it again, and in all likelihood I’d reject it. Disappointing because you were oh, so close. The idea is good. I like the idea of someone who can see your soul so easily. I think that’s an interesting concept. What doesn’t work here is that I think I can read the flaws in your book through your pitch. If Misty knows who the killer is, where’s the suspense? By revealing the killer so early you base the entire book on Max’s inability to believe her. That’s going to make for an irritating read. Of course, I’m not sure if the book is actually written this way, but what about something more along the lines of, “With just one glance into another’s eyes, Misty can see into a person’s soul. A skill that’s been known to get her in a lot of trouble in the past. But nothing beats the day she comes eye to eye with a serial killer, who knows what she’s seen. Now Misty is in a race for her life and only one man can help her, the one who doesn’t believe her”?
9. Tess Harrison
Every man has a breaking point, even Jonas Pride. So when the visions start again, he has no choice but to face the destiny he’s spent his life fighting against. Because this time, the only woman to break his restraint and make him crave her touch is the one woman his enemy is using to claim him as one of their own.
This is a problem I see a lot in pitches. Authors think they have a really great opening line, but don’t tie it in at all to the rest of the pitch. I don’t get how the breaking point really ties into the entire book. It’s a great setup, but is it only about craving the touch of one woman, because that’s going to be a pretty uninteresting book. I think your pitch is really about the enemy trying to claim him as one of their own. What do you mean by that? Who is the enemy? Why are they trying to claim him and what could this mean for Jonas? That’s your pitch. More along the lines of, “Jonas Pride is a man who lives alone and works alone. He’s never needed the touch of another until he meets Maria—a woman who makes him crave her touch and also promises to be the one person who can destroy him...”? Okay, that wasn’t very good at all, but I think you get the picture. We need to get to the conflict in the plot. The external conflict.
10. tammie
At the Knickerbocker Hotel in Chicago, James meets and falls in love with Mara who is planning her wedding to another man. After a night discovering that the lives they each have planned might not be right, the two make a pact to meet each year no matter the status of their lives. Once A Year is an updated version of the Alan Alda movie, Same Time, Next Year. Alternating points of views Mara and James hit heavy topics that touched each decade from the mid 70’s all the way to 2002.
Hmm. I have to admit that I’m immediately turned off by the fact that it’s an updated movie. I never saw the movie, but let’s face it, even with the biggest Hollywood stars on board, few updated versions of old movies do well. I think a book would be a disaster. In other words, there’s no need to tell anyone that. So on to the real pitch. Is the book really about the fact that they make plans to meet each other each year? Or is it about what happens each year? I have a hard time picturing how this will be written and what the conflict will be. Is it a series of vignettes taking place on the same day in a new year, or do we follow one of the characters and see how she deals with this relationship as well as her own life? As you have this written now I don’t see what the story is at all.
11. antony
(Comic crime)
A bigamist conman dies and leaves behind the score from his last job and a team he hasn't yet paid. When the team make plans to steal the money they're owed, the first question they have to answer is: which wife did he leave it to?
Your first line didn’t interest me at all. In fact I was sort of irritated at how uninterested I was (yes, that can happen), but your second line made me laugh out loud. That’s a good sign. In other words, the pitch should probably not be about the con man, but about the team. What about something like this, “A team of con artists is left with one baffling question after the death of their bigamist leader: which wife now holds the score from the last job? In a series of escapades...”? In other words, I really need to know what happens now and what kind of book this is. Is it a bigamist Italian Job? Or is it The Usual Suspects? What’s the conflict for this team besides finding the wife, because if that’s the only conflict, all we have to do is drive from house to house and search under mattresses (so to speak).
12. elizabeth bemis
Megan Miller is on her honeymoon (sans groom) in an effort to get over the louse who dumped her days before her wedding. So far, she’s met a guy who isn’t what he seems, been shot at, jumped overboard into (potentially) shark infested waters and stranded in the Mayan jungle with nothing but the clothes on her back and a copy of the Girls’ Guide to Hero-Hunting and an undercover FBI Agent named Rey Rodriguez. So far, she’s ignored the book’s every piece of advice, and yet, Rey is proving time and again to be her hero. The question is: will he still be her hero, after their “holiday”?
***Please note: this author submitted a later, updated version, but since I’d already critiqued this one she’ll get critiques on both. You can see if the changes she submitted made a difference.
I hate to say this, but been there done that. There have been many books and millions of book proposals about a bride taking the honeymoon alone. I wouldn’t even bother to mention it. I need to know what makes this book really different. I suspect this is romantic comedy, but we need something more. Does the Girls’ Guide to Hero-Hunting play a huge role in the story? If so, that’s your pitch. Your pitch is to show how that book is influencing her decisions, and not in the best ways. We’ll also need to know a little more about why she might be shot at and stranded in the jungle.
And that’s it for today. Great work! Keep an eye out for the next group.
Jessica
re: therapistwriter
It isn't Vicky Therapistwriter wishes to keep anonymous, it's her participation in AA.
I'm not therapistwriter, just felt compelled to respond.
Love what you are doing, though and wish I had the courage to send my pitch along, as well
Anonymousfornow
re: therapistwriter
I thought from what was written it sounded like Letty didn't want her OWN participation in AA blown, aka. her status as a recovering alcoholic. And that was why she didn't want to hand over the list, which I presume she only has because of her connection with AA?
re: kate's fantasy pitch
As a writer of fantasy, one of the comments someone once made to me that I think helps, is that you should introduce absolutely as FEW proper names as possible in a pitch. Especially in fantasy, it gets very confusing very fast if you tell us the name of the: world, nation, emperor, protagonist, magical device, whatever, etc. all in a paragraph or two. Don't know if this advice helps at all, but I thought I would share it just in case it does.
Best of luck to all.
Thanks for doing this. I hope everyone gets as much help as I did with mine. =)
"There’s definitely something here. I like it and I’m intrigued. I think this is one of those cases though where another sentence or two might help strengthen your cause."
There is the saying that you should be able to pitch your book in a couple of short sentences. (not sure where I read that) Does that not apply to the emailed query? Aside from all the other stuff with query rules--when does the too short is no good-rule apply?
I'd rather write a 400 page book before the dreaded query!
However you're helping ease this pain. Thanks for your insight.
It's interesting how different the batches have been and yet I'm starting to already see some of the same problems with different angles. This is really helpful.
I can't wait until mine pops up --- but I'm way down in the middle. I'm trying to hold the last couple queries I was getting ready to send out until mine gets there so I can fine tune!!!
Thanks Jessica!! and to all those brave writers who've put themselves out there to help us all.
N
Jessica,
Great post and interesting to see everyone's thoughts.
Pitching is a talent. One we could all practice.
Thanks...
CC
Aimless;
I think that's an interesting statement and I think I too have learned some things in this process. I think you need a really short tag line and a 2-3 sentence pitch that can work both for verbal pitches and your query. If your written query is on point you should be able to use the same thing for a verbal pitch. In the example you used my thought is the author sucked me in, but didn't give me the knock out. In other words, I wanted more and I needed that final oomph to make me jump all over it. Some can do it in one sentence and some might need 2-3.
--jhf
this is just apropos of nothing really, but I just wanted to say I admire your dedication, 'cause I was here earlier, and noticed exactly when your post went up. Bookends works some LONG hours...
That mibster word threw me, so I looked it up. Found this: : One who plays the game of marbles is known as a "mibster."
Not sure though if that was the intended meaning.
I liked the 12-Step mystery idea, thought is was more original tgan Jessica thought because while most PI's/Sleuths are boozers, I thought the 12-step aspect was a different take. Agree that with tightening that pitch could incite some interest.
Josephine,
Lawrence Block's brilliant Matthew Scudder mysteries have long featured a sleuth whose life centers on AA. If you haven't read them, you are in for a treat!
Respectfully (no, seriously, respectfully):
I didn't know what a mibster was either.
So I looked it up. It took exactly nine seconds.
Now I know what a mibster is. Great word. I glad I had the opportunity to learn it. It was the precise word for the context. Mibster paints half a dozen trope images with a mere two syllables.
"That's why God made Google." (TM/PP)
And the alternative?: Can you please publish a list of every word you know so I can be sure not to accidentally use one of them in a query?
If you invest in the 254 big box of Crayons, you should be able to use every damn one of them without somebody saying, "What shade of blue is that? 'Midwest Winter Horizon'? Why the hell would you use a color like that?"
Ah, Jessica, it seems to be my lot in life to suck you in, but not be able to deliver the knockout, since you've read two of my fulls recently, one more than once, LOL.
I'm not really sure what the difference is between romance and category romance, so I don't know if that's what I'm aiming for or not.
When my friend was attending a conference, she was told "pitches" should be one sentence long, so that's why I only did one sentence. Oops!
Thanks for the critique and maybe you'll be seeing a familiar looking query in your inbox soon.
Dwight--
I get what you're saying. "Mibster" is a cool new word to know, and I love when an author expands my vocabulary with their book. But personally speaking, there's no way I'm going to take the time to google a word or check the dictionary while I'm going through a query letter. We receive hundreds of queries a week, and if I have to do research to understand your pitch I'm going to be annoyed and move on to the next one.
Feel free to expand my vocabulary with your manuscript when I can really see the context, but don't do it in a pitch.
Many thanks to Jessica for taking the time to do this and to those who've commented on my pitch. This is so helpful! Looks like I need to work on my pronoun clarity; anonymous 2:59 and k.r. were right in that the person who's anonymity was at risk was Letty, not the murder victim. And thanks for Josephine re: your comments on the 12 step focus. Hopefully others will agree!
This has been exciting and so very helpful.
Donna Glaser
These are so insightful - I liked the AA murder victim one, it didn't even occur to me that the anonimity factor wouldn't be enough for the protag to keep silent - I just assumed it would be fully fleshed out in the story.
I also didn't know what a mibster was, which kind of threw me off reading the rest of the pitch, so I can see why an agent would just pass on something like that... great word, but I'd need it in context in order to know it's a great word.
Re: "Mibster"
Why not just use marble player? I think the problem is children themselves do not use the word mibster. I played marbles as a kid (occasionally), never heard the word mibster before. Use it in your novel somewhere, but not the pitch...how did you the writer learn the word mibster? I certainly didn't learn it in grade school myself...?? Sounds too much like hipster, and also, sounds like maybe some secret clubs kids have, and they give themselves a name...too many possible meanings for a short pitch.
I wonder...
should those of us who have critiques coming up, be able to figure out on our own what's wrong with our pitches...I put something in English in quotation marks, instead of using the Russian word, which is even more confusing (and ungainly) than "mibster" - Snegoruchka, which means "Mother Frost." But also sounds like someone sneezing, to my American ears. A: "Snegoruchka!" B: (handing Kleenex) "Bless you."
I was surprised and a little confused by Jessica's comments about therapistwriter's pitch. "Most cops or detectives seem to be alcoholics or recovering alcoholics . . what else does Letty bring to the table?"
I thought the fact that the protag is an amateur sleuth/psycotherapist--not a cop--is what made this so interesting. Maybe if she was also a werewolf who could read minds and owned a quilt shop . . .? (I'm kidding.)
Wanda b,
"should those of us who have critiques coming up, be able to figure out on our own what's wrong with our pitches..."
I know I'm cringing at my original pitch, only a few small things really, but it's a small amount of space. Mine is a middle grade and I use the character's voice in my pitch - my ten year old informed me after posting that the character wouldn't use the word 'sissy' - on reflection, that's a word my friends would have used at eleven or twelve years old, and I thought I'd done so well at updating the current slang and phrasing. My daughter is now working in an advisory capacity on dialect...
jp,
I just wanted to jump in here with a distinction, a tag line isn't the same as a short pitch. I like what you did as a tag line, but a tag line is something you use at the very beginning of a query, or at the top of a blurb, and then on promotional items. It is like a poster for Men in Black II saying something like, "Black is Back" on the bottom of the poster.
That doesn't tell us anything about the movie, but it sounds catchy.
A short pitch should be one or two, well crafted sentences that get to the meat and heart of your story.
In my case, my tag line is, "If she loves him, she'll be hunted for the rest of her life, if she doesn't he'll die."
But my pitch goes something like, "Cyani just wants a life of peace after fighting for years in an intergalactic war. As one of the warriors of her planet, she is forbidden by law to touch or be touched. When she is stranded behind enemy lines with a dark and tortured former sex-slave, more than her life could be at risk..."
This shows us the protag's problem, she wants a life of peace, and she is caught behind enemy lines of a war.
It shows us her conflict with the hero, warrior nun vs. ex sex-slave.
And it gives us a sense that this is a dark and romantic space adventure with high stakes. At least I hope it does. LOL
I am curious what Skeletal Remains is about. I wish I could see an actual pitch.
Amy M,
Don't feel bad that your pitch was only one-sentence long. I thought that's what Jessica asked for myself when this thread began.
Just take what you can learn from all the examples and then see if you can add oomph to your own one-sentence pitch. That's what I plan to do. I personally would not use a one-sentence pitch during an actual pitch session, whether that's in mail or in person. I submitted a one-sentence pitch to this thread, because I thought that was the requirement. However, when pitching, I would start with a short one-sentence pitch and then go into a two-paragraph pitch from there.
There are so many ways to pitch and so many different ways a pitch can be successful...or suck. That's why threads like this are so great. Jessica is taking the time to tell us and teach us what sort of pitches work for her, and that's great. But some agents look for a tweak of interest in a pitch and other agents want things more spelled out. God love the Internet. It teaches us and confuses us. Could we ask for more? :)
Sigh.
"What good is Le Mot Juste when nobody speaks French?"
- Dwight W. (TM/PP)
I'm learning a lot, but I'm about to pull my hair out. Try for one sentence. One sentence is not enough. You need to include some plot. Don't include the plot. Compare your ms to other things, but make sure your agent will know what you're talking about.
*Diana thumps head against desk*
I'm thinking someone could make a career out of nothing but reading manuscripts and writing pitches.
Thank you, Jessica, for finding the time to go through these pitches. And thank you, everyone else, for your comments, too. As I said, I'm learning a lot.
Cindy and Chessie, I concur the tagline vs. the pitch (or hook). And Chessie, I think your warrior nun verses ex-sex slave is FAR more intriguing for a tagline, FWIW. 8^) Just my opinion.
The tagline for my book is: Chalice is a thief who becomes a hero.
That doesn't say enough about the story, but it is the theme. And it's how I start my in-person pitch. I haven't sent out queries for this book yet, but I'll use the tag line in my query when I do (still working on the suckopsis, uh, I mean synopsis. Talk about something tough to write... Sheesh.)
Warrior nun vs. ex sex slave is my elevator pitch, LOL
I love the AA mystery series pitch. It's a greast hook. The protag's battle for sobriety pitched against the stress of the job ratchets up the tension. That one has legs.
Don't give up.
Thanks again for all the encouraging comments! Made my day!
Donna Glaser
Thanks again! As always. I am looking forward to your next set of critiques. I should print them all out and keep them with me and check mine against your dos and donts before i send anything off...
I'm curious, too. Could someone clarify what makes a romance a "category"? I mean, obviously it refers to something Harlequin would publish but ... a bit more, specifically? And, why does the word get thrown around like it's kiss-of-death?
There is nothing wrong with category romance as long as that is what you are shooting for.
With the category romances, they have very very very very specific requirements for their stories. I've heard of category authors keeping up on their line's requirements with avid dedication. In order to publish with one of the lines, you have to nail exactly what they are looking for. The good news is, they tell you exactly what they are looking for.
If something sounds "category," it means that the style and voice sound like what authors who write for the lines are aiming for. Since the books tend to be shorter, they also tend to have more focused plots and things.
Category style doesn't work with single title stories. And single title style doesn't work with category.
Does that help?