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Viewing: Blog Posts Tagged with: pitch critiques, Most Recent at Top [Help]
Results 26 - 27 of 27
26. Pitch Critiques Round 3

Here we go again! More critiques from the October 25 workshop on Perfecting Your Pitch. Thank you again to all the brave souls who put themselves out there. Over the course of the next several weeks I will go through pitch-by-pitch and give my critique. Feel free to comment and give your own critiques, ask further questions, or just tell us what you thought. This was a lot of fun for me and I might, just might, do it again sometime (if I ever get through this pile).

13. jp

Tag line for my amateur sleuth mystery:
Some families have skeletons in their closets . . . others have SKELETAL REMAINS.


Huh? This is clearly a case of shooting yourself with cleverness. While I see what you’re trying to do, in the end you haven’t given me any information about this book. Is it a family of sleuths who find actual bones in the closet? Is it a family of skeletons? I’m afraid that with so little information I can’t be of much help beyond that.

14. therapistwriter
When Letty Whittaker, psychotherapist and recovering alcoholic, responds to a Twelve Step call from an old friend at the tail-end of a binge, she doesn’t expect to find Vicky brutally murdered. Finding herself in possession of Vicky’s Fourth Step (the infamous list of resentments) and unable to turn it over to the cops without blowing her anonymity, Letty uses the List to track down the people Vicky was angry at- and those whom she has angered.

I like this idea, it’s interesting. I’m afraid though that it’s another of those that I read, sit on, open again a few days later, and pass on. I’m assuming this is an amateur sleuth/cozy series. That’s what it feels like to me based on the writing. If that’s the case I’m not sure a recovering alcoholic is enough to carry a series. After all, if you pay close attention to mystery fiction, most cops or detectives seem to be either alcoholics or recovering alcoholics. What else does Letty bring to the table? What else do you have for a hook? As for the pitch itself I think it can be tightened and spruced up. Overall, though, while it’s not bad, it’s not really catchy enough. What about something more like this: “Responding to a Twelve Step call in the middle of the night is nothing unusual for Letty Whittaker, psychotherapist and recovering alcoholic, but finding the caller murdered is. Now in possession of Vicky’s Fourth Step (the infamous list of resentments) and unable to turn it over to the cops without blowing her anonymity, Letty uses the List to track down the people Vicky was angry at--and those whom she has angered”? I think it still needs help and I think that help will have to come from the story itself. One thought is why is she so concerned with Vicky’s anonymity? She was murdered. Does that really seem enough of a reason to possibly derail a murder investigation? And wouldn’t the cops already know who Vicky is? I find this very puzzling and hard to swallow.

15. amy m
A man who can possess people meets the one woman he cannot - and is immediately smitten.

There’s definitely something here. I like it and I’m intrigued. I think this is one of those cases though where another sentence or two might help strengthen your cause. My one concern, though, is that there’s something about this short pitch that makes the book feel too simple. Too much like a category romance and not like a single title. It could be because your entire focus is on the romance and no other conflict. Of course if it is category you’re in good shape.

16. alexis fleming
Terror Awakes, an eighty thousand word Futuristic Romance, is the story of a woman with the psychic ability to walk in other people’s dreams and the planetary police officer who doubts her word, but is willing to use her to catch a serial killer when she stumbles into the killer’s dreams.

I’m concerned that you’re confusing a pitch with the query letter here and getting bogged down in details. Pull out your word count immediately. While the title and genre are okay in a pitch they aren’t necessary. Word count just bogs things down and gives the agent too much of a lull before getting to the point. Interesting. This is similar to an earlier pitch about a heroine who could read people’s souls by looking into their eyes. Different of course, but reminiscent. Don’t say anything like, “this is the story,” you weaken your point that way. Jump right into it as you would the book. That also helps agents get a sense for your voice and style. What about something like this (and of course I’m making up details since I don’t know them): “The year is 2045 and planetary police officer Jeff Gibbons is on the biggest hunt of his life, for the deadliest serial killer the planet has ever known. Time is running out and there’s only one person he can turn to, the one he isn’t sure he can trust. Joyce Frank and her unique ability to walk into the dreams of others is the only hope he has left, but will his decision come too late?”? Something along these lines—that gets into the heart of the story—is stronger. Although I don’t think my version is perfect either. Still a little too vague.

17. kate
Fantasy Novel (Untitled)
Ellusia Carver is the first child born that has survived, since the Breaking of the World. Her father's Kingdom is suspended high up in the clouds with the aid of the Magicians of Tove while the world below them boils in a turmoil of dragons and fire.

The Kingdom is in civil unrest and the King's brother is gaining more favour as he steps up his search for a safe place to settle their fragile land. The King, however, wants to reach upwards and develop the pact he entered into with the Ethereans, who saved his daughter’s life, but at what cost? In the middle of this Ellusia is growing up isolated and confused. When her brother is killed she becomes the sole heir to the throne of a Kingdom that is turning against her.


Uff da! Too long. My first concern is that your first paragraph makes absolutely no sense to me. You’re dropping in a lot of information that I probably don’t need to know at all at this point and that only confuses me. In fact, the second doesn’t help much either. What’s the real conflict here? When does the story really get going? Does it start moving at the Breaking of the World or the pact with the Ethereans? Is it about Ellusia or about her father? I think you need to clarify exactly who the protagonist is and what the conflict is. It seems to me your pitch is more along the lines of, “Ellusia Carver has led a protected and spoiled life as princess in her father’s Kingdom high above the clouds, but when civil unrest hits and her brother is killed, Ellusia is forced to leave her protected world to battle the beasts so many tried so hard to keep her away from.” Or something that would be of course much better then that. I think you get the point though.

18. colorado writer
Freedom Jane McKenzie, mibster extraordinaire, navigates the world of boys, Barbie and brothers in a coming of age story set in 1959 Idaho Falls, Idaho.

I’m sorry. I have no idea what a “mibster” is and I wonder if that’s why I’m confused. Am I missing something? More important, what’s coming of age about Barbie, boys and brothers that’s different from anyone else’s childhood? A pitch needs to make your book stand out. Was Freedom Jane raised without a mother and forced to fend for herself? Did she one day see a murder? Did she think she was really meant to be a boy? Do you see where I’m going with this? As you’ve written it now there’s no story here.

And that’s it for today. Great work again. I hope as always I’ve been of some help, and of course I know that I’ll be corrected and thrashed if I was out of line ;)

Keep an eye out for the next group.

Jessica

29 Comments on Pitch Critiques Round 3, last added: 11/7/2007
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27. Pitch Critiques Round 2

Six more critiques from the October 25 workshop on Perfecting Your Pitch. This is really fun, so thanks again to everyone who was willing to put themselves out there. Over the course of the next several weeks I will go through pitch-by-pitch and give my critique. Feel free to comment and give your own critiques, ask further questions, or just tell us what you thought.

7. Caroline Smith
Sometimes white picket fences can turn into iron bars. At 45, Jennifer has everything she's always dreamed of - husband, children and security. Why then does she feel as if her life has been placed on pause? A story of discovery, adjustment and new beginnings.

I hate to do this to you, but snooze. Almost all women’s fiction are stories of “discovery, adjustment and new beginnings.” This is exactly what I mean when I warn against describing your book by using themes. Few readers care what the theme of a book is. We don’t buy a book based on themes. We buy because we’re looking for a riveting plot and engaging characters. Your first sentence is strong. I like that a lot in fact, but now you need to show me how that happened for her or what that means for her or what she’s going to do about it. In other words, now that Jennifer (and the reader) feel that the white picket fence has turned into iron bars, what happens? Does she have a torrid love affair? Does she pack up and leave her husband and kids? Does she dye her hair purple and join a punk band? We know the internal conflict for Jennifer, now we need more action, we need to know what’s going on externally.

8. Aimless Writer
Eyes of My Killer: (Romantic Suspense) Misty reads eyes. She only needs to glance deep within your eyes to see your soul, your past and future. When she comes eye to eye with a serial killer Misty goes to the police for help.

Max Jennings is a by the book cop and he’s on the trail of the nastiest serial killer in Angel Fall’s history. When Misty McAllister walks into his squad room and declares she knows who the Angel Fall’s Strangler is because she met him at the mall, Max labels her a whacko. When the strangler leaves a message on Misty’s door step in the form of a dead body Max labels her a suspect, but Misty insists it’s a warning.


Interesting idea. This is one of those queries that I would close up again immediately after reading. It has me unsure, so therefore I wouldn’t answer right away. It would sit in my in-box for another day or two, I’d open it again, and in all likelihood I’d reject it. Disappointing because you were oh, so close. The idea is good. I like the idea of someone who can see your soul so easily. I think that’s an interesting concept. What doesn’t work here is that I think I can read the flaws in your book through your pitch. If Misty knows who the killer is, where’s the suspense? By revealing the killer so early you base the entire book on Max’s inability to believe her. That’s going to make for an irritating read. Of course, I’m not sure if the book is actually written this way, but what about something more along the lines of, “With just one glance into another’s eyes, Misty can see into a person’s soul. A skill that’s been known to get her in a lot of trouble in the past. But nothing beats the day she comes eye to eye with a serial killer, who knows what she’s seen. Now Misty is in a race for her life and only one man can help her, the one who doesn’t believe her”?

9. Tess Harrison
Every man has a breaking point, even Jonas Pride. So when the visions start again, he has no choice but to face the destiny he’s spent his life fighting against. Because this time, the only woman to break his restraint and make him crave her touch is the one woman his enemy is using to claim him as one of their own.

This is a problem I see a lot in pitches. Authors think they have a really great opening line, but don’t tie it in at all to the rest of the pitch. I don’t get how the breaking point really ties into the entire book. It’s a great setup, but is it only about craving the touch of one woman, because that’s going to be a pretty uninteresting book. I think your pitch is really about the enemy trying to claim him as one of their own. What do you mean by that? Who is the enemy? Why are they trying to claim him and what could this mean for Jonas? That’s your pitch. More along the lines of, “Jonas Pride is a man who lives alone and works alone. He’s never needed the touch of another until he meets Maria—a woman who makes him crave her touch and also promises to be the one person who can destroy him...”? Okay, that wasn’t very good at all, but I think you get the picture. We need to get to the conflict in the plot. The external conflict.

10. tammie
At the Knickerbocker Hotel in Chicago, James meets and falls in love with Mara who is planning her wedding to another man. After a night discovering that the lives they each have planned might not be right, the two make a pact to meet each year no matter the status of their lives. Once A Year is an updated version of the Alan Alda movie, Same Time, Next Year. Alternating points of views Mara and James hit heavy topics that touched each decade from the mid 70’s all the way to 2002.

Hmm. I have to admit that I’m immediately turned off by the fact that it’s an updated movie. I never saw the movie, but let’s face it, even with the biggest Hollywood stars on board, few updated versions of old movies do well. I think a book would be a disaster. In other words, there’s no need to tell anyone that. So on to the real pitch. Is the book really about the fact that they make plans to meet each other each year? Or is it about what happens each year? I have a hard time picturing how this will be written and what the conflict will be. Is it a series of vignettes taking place on the same day in a new year, or do we follow one of the characters and see how she deals with this relationship as well as her own life? As you have this written now I don’t see what the story is at all.

11. antony
(Comic crime)
A bigamist conman dies and leaves behind the score from his last job and a team he hasn't yet paid. When the team make plans to steal the money they're owed, the first question they have to answer is: which wife did he leave it to?


Your first line didn’t interest me at all. In fact I was sort of irritated at how uninterested I was (yes, that can happen), but your second line made me laugh out loud. That’s a good sign. In other words, the pitch should probably not be about the con man, but about the team. What about something like this, “A team of con artists is left with one baffling question after the death of their bigamist leader: which wife now holds the score from the last job? In a series of escapades...”? In other words, I really need to know what happens now and what kind of book this is. Is it a bigamist Italian Job? Or is it The Usual Suspects? What’s the conflict for this team besides finding the wife, because if that’s the only conflict, all we have to do is drive from house to house and search under mattresses (so to speak).

12. elizabeth bemis
Megan Miller is on her honeymoon (sans groom) in an effort to get over the louse who dumped her days before her wedding. So far, she’s met a guy who isn’t what he seems, been shot at, jumped overboard into (potentially) shark infested waters and stranded in the Mayan jungle with nothing but the clothes on her back and a copy of the Girls’ Guide to Hero-Hunting and an undercover FBI Agent named Rey Rodriguez. So far, she’s ignored the book’s every piece of advice, and yet, Rey is proving time and again to be her hero. The question is: will he still be her hero, after their “holiday”?

***Please note: this author submitted a later, updated version, but since I’d already critiqued this one she’ll get critiques on both. You can see if the changes she submitted made a difference.

I hate to say this, but been there done that. There have been many books and millions of book proposals about a bride taking the honeymoon alone. I wouldn’t even bother to mention it. I need to know what makes this book really different. I suspect this is romantic comedy, but we need something more. Does the Girls’ Guide to Hero-Hunting play a huge role in the story? If so, that’s your pitch. Your pitch is to show how that book is influencing her decisions, and not in the best ways. We’ll also need to know a little more about why she might be shot at and stranded in the jungle.

And that’s it for today. Great work! Keep an eye out for the next group.

Jessica

29 Comments on Pitch Critiques Round 2, last added: 11/3/2007
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