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I actually didn't know she was a young girl, either. I assumed she was a grown woman. After all, a teacher might make a new home at a boarding school, but a student would just be going there.

Awesome post! Thanks a lot for sharing!

Sounds like an interesting story, but the query is awkward and cliche.

I agree with much has already been said. It sounds intriguing, but I too would like to know what her power is, the character's age, and the stakes. Is she only trying to hide her ability from Chase? Is her ability dangerous? I'm not saying it's bad, it only needs more. Also, Anonymous Querier, you can simply say your novel is 86,000 words. Round up or down to the nearest thousand on word count.

I actually liked the query. I guessed it was romance with "a soulmate she didn't know she had...dead." Although, I didn't know it was fantasy. I was going with paranormal. I think the writer wrote what might be a good jacket copy. Sometimes that works for a query and sometimes it doesn't. But I would buy this.

Mainly I'm wondering, why the heck does Chase care about anything Morgan does? Is he after her because of her secret powers? Or does she fall in love with him and then have to try and hide her powers from him? Right now, it just seems like Chase is a boy thrown in for the sake of there being a boy...

Isn't Chase Morgan an investment bank or something?

Helpful comments regarding this query especially about not asking questions.
Dale
www.daleharcombe.com

Sorry...I got nothing from this query other than a confused scowl.

Seriously, waaaaaaaaaayyyy too coy in just about every sentence and paragraph. Like others alluded to, it might make decent jacket material, but it simply didn't work in an agent query. I'd have been left very annoyed....

You need protagonist, antagonist, conflict and consequences for actions taken about said conflict. None of that was present, leaving us (well, me at least) confused and in a state of head scratching with furrowed brows. Probably not quite what you intended.

I fought the tickle, my nose to the blackboard, stifling the urge to sneeze. <br /><br />YA Mystery

Rating: One Star *<br /><br />There were two reasons why I felt this needed to be rewritten. The first and most important was that the sentence didn&#39;t flow. The clauses seemed tacked on and on my first read through I almost felt a word had been omitted.<br /><br />The second reason was that for a YA mystery, I was not that curious about chalk making someone feel like sneezing. I did wonder

Chloe smoothed out the patchwork quilt, folded her nightie, tucked it under<br />the pillow.<br /><br />YA - orphan trying to discover her roots

Rogan had never eaten a knight before, but there was a first time for everything. <br /><br />PB

I am immediately curious. Is this a teacher? A student writing punishment lines? Preparing a rude greeting for the teacher?<br /><br />The sentence is evocative to anyone who has spent their life breathing in the fumes of chalk, black poster paint and other less mentionable school odours.

Knight Peter wanted to be the biggest, bravest knight ever.<br /><br />PB

By the time the final words at the King’s funeral were spoken, I felt nauseated by incense and overwhelmed by the urge to become a trespasser.<br /><br />YA Fantasy<br /><br />Thanks for the critique opportunity!

Not sure if we&#39;re allowed to enter more than one manuscript&#39;s opening sentence. If another is allowed:<br /><br />Just past three o’clock in the afternoon, when schools across South London were releasing much-adored children by the bucketful, Tabitha Crum was let out as well.<br /><br />MG Mystery

Dark blood seeded with grains of puss filled the boils, but this was not the worst part of my encounter with the old gargoyle who took me to the far side of this moldering swamp, it is just the lingering after effect. <br /><br />YA- villain-free fiction, titled The Vegan Witch&#39;s Toad<br />Sherrie Theriault

If I had created the world, I would have made hotdogs a vegetable. <br /><br />PB

Mind Games - YA <br /><br />They say a mother and child bond at birth, but my mother’s connection must be made of genetic superglue.

Rating one star *<br /><br />I would rewrite this sentence so it is not so list like. If nothing else, I would include the and between nightie and tucked. <br /><br />I am also worried because the scene seems to be of the character just waking up. The morning &#39;get out of bed&#39; opening is usually a killer for editors. The want books to open at a decisive moment. This may be one, but I am

Rating four stars ****<br /><br />I love the rhythm of this sentence when read aloud which is so important to a picture book. <br /><br />I&#39;m also hooked right away. Is Rogan a dragon? Why doesn&#39;t he usually eat knights? What&#39;s different this time? Will the knight be saved? I want to turn the page.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />This depends on where you go with the second sentence. I&#39;m not really curious at this point. Many children want to be the best, biggest, bravest. There&#39;s not much to peak my interest. No strong verb in &#39;wanted.&#39; And nothing much unusual.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />You really grabbed my attention at the end with &#39;the urge to become a trespasser.&#39; I&#39;d give it a four star if you could tighten it. You&#39;re trying to squeeze too much into one sentence and it loses its punch.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />Again you seem to grab me at the end of your sentences. Who is Tabitha Crum? Obviously not a child being let out of class, so I am curious. But the beginning of the sentence weighs it down. I&#39;d try to be punchier with your opening lines.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />Too long and descriptive to grab my interest. This sentence belongs further in not as an opening line.

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />Love the line. My only reservation is that the voice sounds too old for a picture book. Feels more like a mid-grade character.

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />Nice voice. I&#39;d like more of a hook on where this is going though. I&#39;ve read many similar openings where a child complains of the mother&#39;s over attachment. I&#39;d cut &#39;genetic.&#39; I&#39;d also change it to &#39;connection is made of superglue.&#39;

{Sorry if this is duplicated; I&#39;ve had some issues commenting on blogspot blogs lately!}<br /><br />Louella McGuffey wanted to holler, but all she could do was hum.<br /><br />PB<br /><br />--Carter Higgins

Perhaps, perhaps,on Monday, I could measure how big the round, brilliant moon is with a jump rope.

Not sure if two entries are allowed...so disregard if need be.. thanks!! <br /><br /><br />It was not in my backpack.

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />Nice rhythm and read aloud quality. I like the alliteration between holler and hum makes the contrast stand out even more. Curious as to why the character can&#39;t holler. Why she wants to holler? And why she ends up with a hum? Good hook.

You didn&#39;t mention the genre on your two lines. <br /><br />I&#39;m going to assume this is a picture book. <br /><br />Rating two stars **<br /><br />Nice imagery measuring the moon with a jump rope, but the sentence is too descriptive for a Picture Book where the illustrator would handle the big, round, brilliant moon. I also found the repetition of perhaps at the beginning distracting. I

Again no genre stated. I&#39;m assuming mid-grade because of backpack?<br /><br />Rating two stars **<br /><br />I want to know what it was. I would read on a bit. But I think you could put a bit more bait on the hook.

Not sure if we&#39;re allowed to submit more than once so ignore if it&#39;s not allowed.<br /><br />Princess Cassandra accidentally stabbed herself with her sewing needle.<br /><br />MG Fantasy

Rupert hated his webbed feet . . . happy ever after shouldn&#39;t only happen in fairytales.<br /><br />PB

rating one star *<br /><br />The sentence is flat. It doesn&#39;t give us &#39;voice&#39; or character insight. It doesn&#39;t give us anything particularly unusual either. I&#39;ve often stuck myself when sewing. Even the sentence structure is standard subject verb. I would try enlivening this somehow.

rating two stars **<br /><br />Liked it at Rupert hated his webbed feet. The second half seemed tacked on. I was curious. Why does he hate his webbed feet? Is he a duck or a child with webbed feet? Or a frog? Of course illustrations would answer me. But in a picture book simple statements work.

I just want to pause to make a general statement about first sentences here. <br /><br />If the first sentence you entered is from a novel, it&#39;s not the end of the world if it didn&#39;t grab my attention. First because it is only my opinion and there are other editors with other preferences, but more importantly because I believe in a novel you have at least the first paragraph to hook your

The world exploded during science class.<br /><br />MG sci-fi

The phone rings in the middle of the night, sounding like a first degree fire alarm.<br /><br />YA

My magic wand is broken.<br /><br /><br /><br /> First sentence in first stanza of rhyming pb.<br /><br /> C. Brooks

My replies keep disappearing.<br /><br />I do want the author to know that I understood the sentence differently/ Tabitha Crum is surely a child - but not a much-adored child. The irony works for me and I would love to read more of the story

The first sign of trouble should have been my disaster-free morning.<br /><br />MG Fantasy.

Ahoy! I am the cabin boy<br />aboard the Salty Squid<br />and here is how I earned me name:<br />The Storytelling Kid.<br /><br />Rhyming PB (Okay technically two sentences b/c of &quot;Ahoy!&quot; but I figured the one word sentence wouldn&#39;t really convey much.)

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />Simple, direct and certainly makes me curious.

Curled in a wing-chair near the window, I switched on the lamp, and my book flew open. <br /><br />Early Middle Grade

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />I&#39;m interested. Why is the phone ringing so late? Why is the character so jumpy that they compare it to a fire alarm. Not sure you need the &#39;first degree&#39; modifier. First degree or one alarm fire would be the lowest level. So you are comparing the phone to something scary like a fire alarm and yet downplaying it at the same time by making it first

Rating two stars **<br /><br />It&#39;s hard to rate the first half of a rhyme. I know you&#39;re following the rules by giving us one sentence. But I wish you had included the second part. <br /><br />I do want to know why it is broken, who broke it and if it can be repaired. So I would read on.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />Good mid-grade voice. I want to know what the trouble is and more about the character so I would read on. Drawback is that this kind of statement is fairly common. Someone saying they knew a problem was coming because everything went right. You might look for something more unique to your character/situation to open with.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />Rhyming picture books are not my area. But I would turn the page to find out how he earned the name.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />You grabbed my attention. Why did the book fly open? Not sure we need all the description loaded at the front without knowing more of the story. Perhaps it would only happen in the wing chair and we need that information. If not, you might consider trimming the beginning a bit.

Something had to be done about that wildebeest.<br /><br />PB

Thank you.<br />I&#39;ll resubmit with my first stanza below. It&#39;s a little awkward because I&#39;m thinking the first stanza is probably like a first sentence, but if it&#39;s a dis-qualifier I&#39;m okay with that. It&#39;s been fun. Thanks!<br />My magic wand is broken.<br />I tried and tried all day<br />to make my brother vanish.<br />He wouldn&#39;t go away!

I left my childhood dolls behind and became a woman the year Faisal thundered into our lives on his blood-red Honda.<br /><br />YA Historical

If you didn&#39;t have to wear such stupid shoes, I could probably get into bowling. <br /><br />YA

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />Simple and direct. A good start for a picture book. <br />I want to know what the wildebeest is up to, where it is and what will be done about it. I&#39;d read on.

As I said earlier rhyming PBs are not my area. But the rhythm and rhyme are strong. You haven&#39;t tried to do the illustrator&#39;s job by describing things. I hope you go all out comical with this. It has great possibilities for illustrations as she tries to lose her sibling.

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />I definitely want to know more about the character and Faisal. The fact that you described the Honda as &#39;blood&#39; red gives it an ominous feeling. I&#39;m also curious about the opening. The character says she left her childhood dolls behind not her childhood. It gives me the feeling that emotionally she is still clinging to a part of her childhood or

Rating three stars ***<br /><br />Great teen voice. I&#39;d read on to see why she is putting up with stupid shoes and bowling.

The day the cops come, everything changes.<br /><br />YA Contemporary

In my family, you get one yellow balloon on your birthday.<br /><br />PB

Rupert is a lonely frog who dreams of being a prince.

I&#39;m glad I grabbed your attention. I see now that the sentence has a lot more impact without the chair, which I only used to ground the reader. <br /><br />Many Thanks<br /><br />(I switched on the lamp, and my book flew open revealing my next challenge.)

YA<br /><br />There is was, the familiar twinge tugging at the back of my throat yanking me awake.

RUSTLE! RUSTLE! RUSTLE!<br />Ha! Katie and Tom were frozen, one body was crawling on the first floor, who could it be?<br />Children&#39;s story: 5-7<br />Elham khatibi

The Death was waiting kindly beside me, and the life was twinkling at the end of that long, dark road, what should I do really?<br />&quot;Oh my God, I don’t know,&quot;<br />I yelled crying, and knelt down on snow.<br />Novel

Rating Three stars ***<br /><br />Clean,direct and good hook.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />Interesting. I&#39;d want to know why one balloon and why yellow. Feels a bit long for a PB line. I might try leaving out yellow. And putting yellow in a second sentence if the color is crucial. In my family, you get one balloon on your birthday. A yellow one.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />I want to know what this twinge is so you have my interest. I have a few issues with the sentence though. I don&#39;t care for tugging and yanking in the same sentence. <br /><br />There it was, the familiar twinge at the back of my throat, yanking me awake. <br />or<br /><br />There it was, the familiar twinge tugging at the back of my throat. <br /><br />With a

Ok a bit more than one sentence, but the exclamations we&#39;ll skip over and go to your first real sentence. <br /><br />Rating One star *<br /><br />I&#39;m curious, so the content is interesting enough. The sentence construction needs work. I&#39;d drop the Ha! That doesn&#39;t add anything. And switch out of passive tense. Katie and Tom froze, not were frozen.<br />Depending on what was

Rating one star *<br /><br />Again interesting enough, but the sentence needs work. <br /><br />Drop the &#39;articles&#39; in front of life and death and switch from passive to active verb tense. Lose the question at the end. Change the &#39;and&#39; to &#39;but&#39; to indicate choice. <br /><br />Death waited kindly beside me, but life twinkled at the end of a long, dark road.

The air thrums with talk of the hottest barnyard dances and the coolest pool parties this last day of school, but I won&#39;t be going.<br /><br />YA contemp.

Rating two stars **<br /><br />Definitely want to know why the character will be missing everything. I like the contrast between hottest and coolest with both meaning the same thing. Not fond of thrums, but that&#39;s just a personal quirk and others may love it. The reason I don&#39;t bump to three stars is that it feels a bit long to me. Like your cramming too much into one sentence. I&#39;d

Snerkle was everywhere.<br /><br />PB

Rating one star *<br /><br />Yes I want to know what Snerkle is. But I think I&#39;d like to have some hint or foreshadow to make me really curious about it.

I hoped to demonstrate her institutionalisation. But yes, indeed - she does have an object linked to her family. Title of the book is &quot;The Silver Button.&quot;

Thank you I greatly appreciate the feed back.

I probably used to but not after becoming a writer and realizing that even though as a Christian, I had no desire to write inspirational women’s fiction. :) Which means at some point, I’ll offend someone in my extended family – but I don’t write for them. I know the tastes of my writer friends and I don’t ask them to read something I know is not to their taste. Interesting topic.

This is a topic I have been thinking about a lot lately, because the relationship in my WiP can be considered a problematic one. And many times I have found myself changing my plot lines or my characters’ actions, in case they’re found offensive.

However, I’m trying to curb that impulse. No book will be universally liked. Somebody will always find something in any book to take offense at. And what I want is to remain true to the vision that I have.

I’ve curbed word usage but not content in my writing. I grew up in NJ. And well, the f-bomb was used very loosely. Adjective, adverb, verb, noun. All the time. The word in my world had lost it’s punch from being used so frequently. When I started writing I wrote my characters using this language. But I’ve lived in a number of places in the country since my teen years, and have learned that the good ol’ f-bomb is rarely used, if at all. When it is used it’s meant to cause offense. So I’ve taken it out of my writing. Now, if I were to specifically write NJ teens, I’d most likely add that bit of flavor back in to my writing. And I’m sure it would offend, but then I’d be true to what I was writing about and I do think that matters.

Lots of deep questions today, Karen! And I have to say, my heart goes out for that poor woman in your critique group! How awful!

Like Emily, I’m writing a pretty controversial manuscript at the moment, too. Thankfully I haven’t had any problems (yet!) with people being offended by it. However, since it deals with such difficult issues, I feel a heavy responsibility on myself to get it right (at least, what *I* deem “right”). Sure, my characters say some awful things, and act in ways I don’t approve of, but I’ve been trying to make sure the text as a whole portrays a different picture.

But of course, all this could easily be for nought if readers disagree with what I consider “right”. And I’m sure some will. Not an easy business! But at least I’ll know I’ve said what I meant to say.

I share your belief that someone has the right to be offended but not to censor. That said, I hope I don’t judge or project an opinion on a writer based on what he or she has written.

My novel Buck Fever shows an illustration of a boy holding a gun and facing a deer, yet the novel is about this boy not wanting to be a hunter. Still, at times during book signings and events, offended parents have pulled their kids away from the book because of the cover. When I can and the opportunity allows, I explain what the novel is about, but I don’t know that there’s much I can do beyond that (other than accept their reactions as their own).

If this is a memoir, then I assume [redacted] is the patient. Referring to herself in the third person seems a little strange to me.

And yes, my reaction was "I know plenty of people who have been through worse things." It needs a focus to make it more interesting besides just the experience of recovering from major surgery. The focus could be epilepsy, the particular kind of surgery (if it's experimental), the particular hospital/surgical team... something.

I do think there's real potential here, though. Her platform is strong for memoir/non-fiction, and that counts for something.

Her detail about the gauze covering the exposed brain was compelling--perhaps the most compelling line in the query. If she can get the level of writing to that quality, she'll have something. Of course, she does have the pesky task of finishing the book first. . .

The basic story is interesting, but it's not enough for 100K words. You can tell the essence of your story in a novella of up to 50K words. I wonder if you can write a memoir/fiction, keeping your story while adding, for example, a love interest, where the young man knows you before and after the surgery and what happens to the dynamic of the relationship. Your story is very interesting to you (it's your life after all) and for people and their families who had similar experience. But for the average reader, like me, who have no experience with your life story, you need to add more to keep him or her reading till the end. Best wishes with the book.

I'd be inclined to think of it the way you would think of fiction. Right now, the sense of movement I get is like, this happened, then this happened, then this happened . . .

I think readers will relate more if you think of it as a series of challenges that need to be overcome. First, my goal was X. Then this got in the way, and this is how I faced it. Then this other thing got in the way, and this is how I faced it. . . .

It is very common for non fiction to tweak the actual sequence of events, emphasize something, de-emphasize others, in order to make the narrative more compelling. As long as you're not outright lying, of course.

I agree with the first commentator, that this is about defeating epilepsy in specific. I think I would want to read something about the epilepsy experience, such as parallel histories of current prominent people who inspired (readacted) -- I'm thinking how political strategist David Axelrod (Obama's 2008 adviser) frequently mentions his family's interest in that, while he's on TV to be interviewed for his point-of-view on politics. So the focus could be broadened to be something about the political context, the health care costs or politics about U.S. health care from the point of view of a person overcoming epilepsy, aocial policy debate. Background on brain science advances might help pitch the proposal toward medical non-fiction markets too.

This could be a really compelling story, but we'd never know from the style of the query. It's very "this happens, and then these are some general things that happen over the rest of the book". Sell it to us with even more specifics and the voice of the memoir. The writing is technically proficient, but make it shine so that it is more compelling to the reader than any other overcoming-a-terrible-medical-obstacle memoir.

I had a journalism professor who used to harp on the need to tie life experiences to something broader. The example she used was Terry Tempest Williams who wove a story of breast cancer with a threatened bird population (Refuge).

A more popular example, Seabiscuit wasn't just a story about a horse, it was a story about the depression. Can you weave your story into something broader that's about more than just you?

I like this post! It's really interesting.

As usual, things just keep getting better Great news, Kathy!
Donna

Great info here. Thanks so much for sharing.