Now, my sister Olivia is a dollmaker. She loves picking out fabric, buttons and patterns to create something a child will love. She's carried around fabric for over ten years knowing someday she'd have a need for it. I tried doll making and I have to say I love painting more and scaring the crap out of children. However, it taught me the skill and gave some new creative insights into my own work. It also got me thinking: what is the day of a doll like? Especially a doll made in my sister's workshop? Keep in mind, she has 9 kids, an Asian Mastiff named Hazel and for whatever crazy reason, a newly adopted puppy named Eleanor who is too round to try to lick her own behind. So, I imagine this is what this bunny is thinking.
A Day in the Life of Olivia's Bunny...(starring Ellen Degeneres' voice - because all my characters are celebrities in my head!)
Wow, this place is cold! Bunny thought. Hm....where is the lady? I need a blanket or something...
Oh, there she is. Hey, lady -
"GIANNA, I DON'T CARE IF DOESN'T MATCH YOUR OUTFIT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A SICK KID - GOGOGOGGO!!!" The workshop/garage door closes with a bang...
"Now where is that thingamajigger.."Um, lady? Can you spare a - OMG...it's that kid with the tail...nononoo! Let me go!
"HAZEL! Put that down, you silly girl!"
Ouch, that was my tail..ew...what is that on my ear? Look lady, you really gotta do something about that drooling kid with the tail. She keeps staring at me and my friends at night and I have to say it's getting a little creepy, you know what I mean?
"I'm gonna have to wash you...okay..HEY! Cyrus! Did you brush your teeth? No green rotting teeth in this house! Go - we are outta here in five minutes."
Bunny was carried through the morning chaos to the laundry room where she was plopped on a basket.
Geez, it stinks in here...what is that? Good lord...
Psycho music starts - Gianna is at the door - light shining behind her. "Your are so CUTE! Hm..." Gianna picks the Bunny up and scrams out there straight to her backpack.
AAAA!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!? I've seen what she does to Barbie! NO! I don't want goth eyes! Lady!Lady! She's hiding a sharpie! I SAW IT WITH MY OWN BUTTONS!
"Everyone, let's go! Time for school!"
"Mom, where's the toothpicks for your belly button?"
"Gianna, we gotta go. We'll do belly lint later. Mary, hustle! Cyrus, for the love of God, where are
1 Comments on Bunny Love..., last added: 3/4/2012
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By: Creepymama,
on 2/29/2012
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Besides sarcasm, our family is first in line to perfect the art of cussing. I can remember uttering the word 'fuck' for the first time. After that initial shock of, 'Whoa, Mom didn't hear that!' I proceded to try them all and learned a few new ones at the school yard. The level of profanity on the school yard was only excelled by the level of depraved stories we told each other before we called, "Bullshit!" Ah, Catholic school....
Anyway, I was reminded of this skill when my son, Pottymouth, declared that his chores sucked ass. I agreed, chores do suck but we do them or else we'd be on a guest episode of Hoarders and I really don't have time for that. We giggled when (yeah,yeah, bad mommy) he said 'ass' but that kid has a gift for putting in the right sentence and making it funny. It's probably not the best thing to teach him, but I've done just about everything in my power short of sewing his mouth shut to get him to stop. Currently, my plan is to get him to use it in the right moment. If nothing else, he won't sound like a total moron and maybe he'll be on Comedy Central someday.
I remember not too long ago when my two oldest were 7 and 4, riding bikes outside my sisters' house one fine family Thanksgiving. They were screaming, laughing and having a great old time, when I actually stopped to listen to what they were yelling.
"Cocksucker! Cocksucker!"
I ran out there, asked them to stop, that word is not polite and, more importantly, where did you learn it?
Their innocent voices answered. "Grandma."
They still think this is funny. They love hanging out with Grandma - she curses up a storm and the children find this hysterical.
Now, my niece Gianna, when she was three was hanging with me because my sister had some stuff to do and it was nice to have some girl power in the house. The kids were all hanging out in their room and Pottymouth came out with a half of a Christmas ornament and a smirk.
"I told Gianna not to eat the ornament and that I was gonna tell on her. She called me a douchebag."
I panicked, pulled the rest of the glass ornament from her mouth, however most of it was on the carpet.
She discovered it wasn't that tasty, but the glitter made her lips look pretty.
Douchbag was the favorite word at that time. And after that episode we decided to refrain from using it because when Gianna starts kindergarten we didn't want her calling her classmates that. We'd at least wait until she could spell it first.
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By: Creepymama,
on 2/23/2012
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Ah...yes, the satisfaction of a new creepy family - I love nothing more than painting a surly teenager who is mortally embarrassed by her family..or a child that crop dusts his family (that would be farting and running to you - stop feeding that kid beans!).
I'm doing a lot of this work so I can pay for my son's braces. Unfortunately, he was born with his mother's teeth. I was fortunate enough that after enough cringing from strangers, my mother chose to get me braces. I want to do the same for him. If you'd like a portrait, contact me via email, phone or bat....
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By: Creepymama,
on 2/8/2012
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Rolled out of bed, scurried to the kitchen, briefly gagged at the boy funkitude emitting from my oldest son's room - only to discover that there was no coffee made!
Does my Beefsteak have a death wish? I wonder, then feel guilty because my poor hubby has to go in early. Searched the cabinets - woohoo! Instant espresso!
Properly caffeinated, I get ready - vaguely wondering of those are old chick spots on my hands and maybe I need to get my eyes checked. I sprint through the house plaguing my children with the light switch and a "Get up! Brush Your Teeth!"
Grumbling, smelly beings crawl from their rooms and beat each other senseless over who get the bathroom first. Type A, Pottymouth and Dramaqueen argue about toothbrush usage and who the hell hid the toilet paper?!? I walk blissfully by because I have to go wake the Baby Beefy. He is a cute little fart and a total cock blocker. This is what happens when you let the baby sleep with you. He used to smell like baby, now he's starting to smell like the rest of those midgets who live with me. As I convince him he needs to get up, I then remember the name of the baby mama from a conversation from three days ago at work. Bridgett Monahan!
I load the monsters in the van and proceed to drop everyone off - three separate stops! Of course Type A is
laughing at Pottymouth (whose mouth is off and running with colorful language! Fucking A!) and Dramaqueen is busy dancing like a mad person in the back seat to that hooker nut job, Britney Spears.
Baby Beefy being last - I get flipped off by a school bus driver. Yeah, you want me to run over those kids in the cross walk? Who pissed in your cheerios this morning? If you don't like the big bus, get the small one, jerk face.
I race to work while trying to talk to my hubby and then race to the time clock. Only to discover this little fucker needs to be warmed up to clock in. No joke. It doesn't like our Tea Fairy's time card at all. I told the maintenance guy to knit it a sweater so we could clock in on time. After only three tries today, it spits my card out like 90 year old cigarette smoker.
Whew...
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By: Creepymama,
on 1/31/2012
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Many, many things are going on in my life right now - my four fiends, work (yes, apparently the fiends like food and vast quantities of it) moving and a few obstacles that I didn't expect. Trying to find a place to think at my house doesn't happen. Nope, not even the bathroom - my fiends think "Hey, Mom is sitting I should go nag her to death on this."
So when I get a moment, I try to think of the things I should be thinking then I get sidetracked because:
A: I'm old.
B: I'm tired.
C: Do I really give a fuck?
Am I really at that age? I think I've hit that stage, where I think to myself, why the hell am I wasting my time? I gotta get this kid a cracker or he's gonna go apeshit on me. No, you may not go out at 10pm on a school night because your girlfriend called. No, that bag is not too gay for dance class. No, launching yourself over the yard duty teacher is not cool.
Believe it or not, this shit is important - the things I used to think were important, are in fact not.
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By: Creepymama,
on 12/1/2011
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Luck is found in many different ways. You might get lucky with a parking space for your flying carpet or an extra meatball might appear on your dinner plate. Sometimes luck finds you unexpected place and you think after, “Wow, that was lucky!”
I’m sure that’s what Hector Garcia thought after the worst natural disaster in Nursery history. It started out as nice November day at Nurseryland Lake when an unlucky mix of global warming, toxic fairy dust and a clear spot shoreside paved the way for Hector. As the rhyme goes, five speckled frogs were sitting on a log - and that's true, they were waiting for a wizard or witch to stop by with work. You know, yard work, dragon sitting or patching the toadstool back together - the kind of thing you only need day labor for. Hector, though, was not the most, um, focused of the frogs. A speck caught his eye and he jumped in the water to see if that was a grub or just a figment of his imagination. The moment his body slid into the water, a maelstorm of toxicity flew through the air - killing everything within a two mile radius - except Hector Garcia.
For days, nothing else was on the news - there was an outcry about the Tooth Fairy plant about the toxic dust that escaped, the death and the destruction of the forest and fairy folk that lived there. Then one day as a helicopter news crew was flying over - Hector Garcia crawled out of the sludge of ash and debris. But this was not the same Hector who went into the water. This was a new Hector. Lucky? Maybe.
Hector was now covered in eyes.
This couldn't be covered up by the owner of the plant. It was on the news, live - an honest to God survivor. Rescuers dropped a line and pulled him out then rushed him to the hospital. Several times, the long arm of the Tooth Fairy empire reached out to Mr. Garcia and offered him a settlement to keep his mouth shut and not sue the pants off them. He didn't take it. He chose to go on TV and was on every news station in town. Embellishing his story a bit too much here and there and before Hector knew it, people were crying fraud and wondering if the whole story was fake. What Hector didn't realize was that famous didn't equal rich. Turns out the empire didn't have to do anything at all - he did it to himself. The empire doesn't like being rebuffed and in turn, sued for defamation and won. Hector was sentenced to six years. He is now doing time as yard duty teacher. The lesson here is if you don't really know what you're doing - shut up, sit down and find someone who does so you don't fuck it all up.
For days, nothing else was on the news - there was an outcry about the Tooth Fairy plant about the toxic dust that escaped, the death and the destruction of the forest and fairy folk that lived there. Then one day as a helicopter news crew was flying over - Hector Garcia crawled out of the sludge of ash and debris. But this was not the same Hector who went into the water. This was a new Hector. Lucky? Maybe.
Hector was now covered in eyes.
This couldn't be covered up by the owner of the plant. It was on the news, live - an honest to God survivor. Rescuers dropped a line and pulled him out then rushed him to the hospital. Several times, the long arm of the Tooth Fairy empire reached out to Mr. Garcia and offered him a settlement to keep his mouth shut and not sue the pants off them. He didn't take it. He chose to go on TV and was on every news station in town. Embellishing his story a bit too much here and there and before Hector knew it, people were crying fraud and wondering if the whole story was fake. What Hector didn't realize was that famous didn't equal rich. Turns out the empire didn't have to do anything at all - he did it to himself. The empire doesn't like being rebuffed and in turn, sued for defamation and won. Hector was sentenced to six years. He is now doing time as yard duty teacher. The lesson here is if you don't really know what you're doing - shut up, sit down and find someone who does so you don't fuck it all up.
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By: Creepymama,
on 11/13/2011
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Creepymama: Tweedledum and Tweedledee: Our staff has been not been slacking, dear readers, but instead chased by the Tooth Fairies' thugs in an attempt to thwart our efforts...
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By: Creepymama,
on 11/13/2011
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Our staff has been not been slacking, dear readers, but instead chased by the Tooth Fairies' thugs in an attempt to thwart our efforts in posting the truth about the land of Nursery. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to wake up to a tiny winged thug yanking out a molar? But that is another story for another time. We've finally found a suitable locale to to post another sordid tale of love, lust and rhyme.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee were not related but were in fact, Caspar MacBastard and Jody Lopez – glamorous stars of many a Nursery Rhyme. Caspar has comes from the Scottish side of the Bastard line. As you know there are many Bastards (I'm sure you've me a few)- Crazy Bastards, Dirty Bastards and the ever popular mob snitch, Rat Bastard (yes, Ms. Tooth Fairy - we know about him too). His deep Irish brogue could make your panties melt. Jody Lopez was a hugely popular star, known for her traffic-halting curves and a dangerous come-hither stare. Famous for not only her talent (3 Nursies!!) but her, uh, on-set hook-ups. This femme fatale has left a lot of broken hearts in her wake as well as plenty of fodder for us literary parasites.
MacBastard was just wed to Nursery Idol star, Mintzy, the newest singing blonde bombshell, in a lavish Nurseryland wedding after a two month whirlwind romance. Shortly after returning from his honeymoon with his beautiful fairy bride, MacBastard started filming 'Tweedledee & Tweedledum' with the sultry Ms. Lopez. Then the rumors started.
You know what kind of rumors started, it was well-reported by N! News and Nurseryland Weekly.
Hot midnight meetings, film shoots that took days in exotic locales, the love scenes that were too well-rehearsed as it were. That hot lust that takes days to quench - you know that feeling readers - you can't quite get enough of each other, that all consuming need to just screw each other silly! All this splashed on the newstands for the public to see. Was MacBastard cheating on his bride? Was Lopez hitching another notch on her stiletto? Was the MacBastard dipping his toe in Lake Lopez? The rumor mill was burning up with the lusty tales that were churning off the set.
Mintzy, poor Mintzy. She refused to believe that MacBastard would do her wrong - they were so in love!
The phone started ringing off the hook, papparazzi chasing her down on the street, newspapers sending missives via bat on the hour - what was going on?! The public wanted to know! Three weeks into shooting, Mintzy showed up on set unannounced.
This is the part of the rhyme where it all ended so, so badly - and this is where you are going to hear the truth about what really happened. The end is familiar to all of us, Mintzy lost her fairy mind and cursed MacBastard and Lopez - banishing them to some alternate universe we cannot imagine. Then Mintzy took her own life. According to reports and a statement put out by Rhyme executives, it was sad day that all this talent was gone. The funerals were overwhelmingly sorrowful and haunting.
It was all crock of shit.
MacBastard and Lopez were not having an affair. Mintzy was not jealous when she showed up on that fateful day to have lunch with her husband. As a matter of fact, MacBastard and Lopez hated each other. They fought like crazy - constantly bickering, fighting and always at each other's throats. The rumors were simply untrue - a tride and true publicists' trick to get interest/publi
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By: Creepymama,
on 10/25/2011
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The Little Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe needed to go out. Actually, on this particular night she was a a little booty call since no sane man would stick around in a gigantic house-sized shoe with a bunch of dirty kids. Therefore, she called Miss Muffet, the best baby sitter in town and another scandal was born in Nursery. She sat on her tuffet all right – with a child under it. She took her babysitting seriously and literally. One of the Little Old Woman’s kids was being obnoxious and Miss Muffett had had enough. She took the little shit, oops, child and sat right on him. He screamed and hollered of course. The other kids laughed and made fun of him, getting so loud they drew the attention of a neighbor who called police.
This is not the first visit to the Shoe the police have made. They ignored the first call, the second, and the third call. It was only when the neighbor went down to the station and demanded someone look into what was going on that the police finally went over there. However, this isn’t the part that shocked everyone.
What was shocking is that the Little Old Woman’s children were evil little bastards who constantly got into nefarious misdoings and broke the law on a regular basis. Charges and accusations include and not limited to: grand theft flying broom, grand theft flying carpet, assault on a fairy, felonious assault of the nostrils by smelly feet, arson with a flaming marshmellow, driving while under the influence of sugar, loitering, vandalism, fraud, curfew, robbery, liquor laws (that was the 2 year old!), forgery with invisible ink, counterfeiting, public drunkenness, public nudity, knome pornography, assault with a possessed pumpkin, aiding and abetting a demon and many, many others. The spider in the rhyme was not an actual spider but the various government agencies that are refusing to deal with the children. Being that they were busy criminally evil little people, the folks of Nursery could not give one single damn about them. Foster homes? Forget it – no one wanted them. Nursery Protective Services says that the issue is a city issue, not a county one. The city says the issue is a federal one since the whole mass explosion of the mailboxes in one neighborhood involving the eight year old triplets. Sources at the fed’s office are rumored to be ‘looking into it’ but have not answered any requests for an interview at this time about how to deal with the children.
The Old Woman? Little Miss Muffet?
Well, rumor has it that Little Miss Muffet has retired from babysitting and has cashed in on her fame. Three books on child-rearing (no pun intended), several talk shows and a radio program – Little Miss Muffet has made out quite well. The little Old Woman, with charges pending on child endangerment, had declined an interview as well. She fled town and is now believed to be a stripper in Vegas – her show is called “Cirque De Baby.”
Shortly after the story broke, the Shoe burned down and the children have scattered to the wind. Moral of the story? Sometimes fucked up shit happens.
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By: Creepymama,
on 10/17/2011
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Murray Stein, long distant cousin to Dr. Frankenstein, was a mechanic in Nursery with his eyes on bigger things. He knew he didn’t have the good looks or the talent to be in a Rhyme, but all he wanted was to get out from being a grease monkey and make a little cash so he could retire in the North Pole. However, Murray
His disgustingly undead habit led him to this very, very bad idea. He was tinkering around in his shop and one day he noticed this lone boy playing in his yard across the street. Murray
(What the hell is it with this family and the dead?)
Rottenstein – a Zombie buddy for your child.
A genuine hit on the toy circuit – every child in Nursery desired one. Toy shops had lines out the door for these things, people bidding like crazy online, mass toy hysteria!
Then those first reports started coming in. Suddenly some
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By: Creepymama,
on 10/6/2011
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My sister and I finally sold some embrodiary patterns on our site, Project Stockpile - yahoo!!!
While we are working on our lovely venture, I've taken the task of learning how to sew. I'm aiming to bring my creepy little characters to life for some lovely fiend, I mean, child, to sneeze/hold/slobber on. As soon as I finish them, I will let you guys know.
I've discovered the fun of having a new toy/tools to work with. However, given my history with small appliances, I've hit a snag with the ancient sewing machine my sister is kindly letting me use. The other night, the thread kept jamming underneath, strands of thread everywhere, my fabric crumbled, kids giggling at me cursing- then a brief thought - wondering how hard it would be to toss this beast right out the back door?
Now, I come across this trait genetically. I was five, sitting on the back steps of our house when I heard my mother, "Motherf%^er!!!!!"
And our silver toaster flies over my head, landing ten feet from me.
This is the same woman who cried when her 20-year old vacuum cleaner died with a gasp in our living room. It was one of those many tentacled monstrosities of shiney tubes and puke green outer shell. I was never so glad to see something go in my life. As my sister and I can attest - that thing was a pain in the ass to vacuum with. The tubes always fell apart, emptying the bag was like giving the damn thing a transplant - it had to be put on just so or it would not work.
I gave up with the sewing machine and Olivia, my sister came over and fixed it last night so I could continue on my doll-making quest. I'm hoping this evening I can finish my doll - hope you guys like it when I'm done...
Have a creepy day!
You can also visit my art work at my site, M.Stagi's Creepy Family - there is 20% off if you place your order before the 31st!
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By: Creepymama,
on 10/4/2011
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Supermodels are not made of sugar and spice and everything nice. That would be too many calories and nice is just not acceptable. This scandal is of one woman gone totally mad by the industry that made her. The competitive race of skinny, hungry women who perpetuate the image of vapidness that is sold to impressionable young girls with unrealistic expectations of life the world over – Nooby sold it. Yes, one name, like Cher or Madonna. Nooby was a blond haired, green eyed creature who was enjoying a successful career on her looks and her relationship with the camera. Nooby lived in that rarified air of the supermodel. She was the ‘it’ girl of the decade. Ridiculously fabulous clothes, travels to exotic locations, everything she ever wanted was at her fingertips – except a snack.
Yes, that forbidden cookie, chocolate cake or lovely greasy Chinese food in the middle of the night had become Nooby’s favorite thing. Gracing several magazine covers, lucrative exercise deals (remember that thigh boomerang thing on NVC?) and being beautiful was a lot of work. Those late-night binges had to stop. And as with every model, she was constantly looking for new ways to lose weight.
This part got left out of the papers and several sources have confirmed what we are about to report to you. Have you heard about the envelope diet? Nooby certainly did.
A silly fad diet – basically it was disgusting food packaged in little envelopes, shipped to your home monthly for an overinflated fee. However, Nooby, being that she was always hungry and as we all know, food feeds the brain but she hardly ate and guess what? Her mind suffered. She didn’t quite understand how it worked and settled for eating envelopes.
Yes, folks, you read that right. Envelopes - business size, postcard size and if she was really hungry – those big shit-yellow ones with the metal clasp – which she found quite crunchy. Yes, we are pretty sure she has the mental capacity of a cucumber.
This scandal is so disgusting – her people – the people that were supposed to take care of her and help her - let her down so badly that they should be brought up on charges. No one stopped her or bothered to care enough other than she was a meal ticket. They kept the model machine rolling and ignored what was going on.
What happened in that fitting room of that famous designer?
According to reports obtained by our snoopy staff – Nooby was being fitted for the upcoming show and her body was so deprived of the nutrients and vitamins that it takes to function – but damn, she looked great! – fell forward on the ground. She landed on a pile of shoes and a Jummy Snooz stiletto poked her right eye out.
Screaming in horror – they took her straight to the hospital. Soon it was clear – the era of Nooby was over. Nobody wants a cycloptic model! Her only options would be a magazine like Pirate Times or poster girl for a service announcement against high heels.
By: Creepymama,
on 9/29/2011
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Mary Mary Quite Contrary was a caterpillar, a beautiful, good looking caterpillar contestant for many pageants that Nursery hosted on a regular basis. Mary Mary won most of these competitions with grace and beauty. So great was her beauty, her fan base grew and she was a favorite to win Miss Enchanted of 2001, a nationally televised event.
Unfortunately, Mary Mary had a horrible habit of chewing on her fingernails. When she was nervous, fatigued or when she was lost in thought, she nibbled on her nails. Not very hygienic but Mary Mary did try very hard to break her habit. Being the most popular contestant and being totally gorgeous, Mary Mary cashed in on her luck and did all her own campaigning. Then, an opportunity to host this little show called NVC came along.
I know you saw it dear reader. Magic wands, Raisinglow pro-wrinkle cream for witches,
Flying carpet wax and that unfortunate toy, Rottenstein. You remember don’t you?
Mary Mary was using the Go Green Garden platform for her campaign. Beautiful, gardens, making the most of them and having great dirt are important to all Nursery caterpillars – so this was a genius move on her part. And as with all campaigns, they cost money. Mary Mary got a sponsor – Captivated Green.
Captivated Green was a product that purported to keep your garden green and arrested development of the aging of plants when applied. It was made of all natural products and was totally organic. At least, that was what they claimed at the time.
She was peddling her sponsers’ product on the show and something interesting happened on this show that would have gone unnoticed if it had not been for the sharp eye of our staffer. Mary Mary had gotten a bit of the product on her hand. Sources say that right after filming, Mary Mary chewed on her nails of that hand, accidentally ingesting Captivated Green.
Now, a couple of days later, Miss Enchanted 2001 was being televised across the land and Mary Mary had something planned that no other contestant had done. She had gone into chrysalis mode just before and was planning on coming out at the show as a beautiful butterfly. The most anticipated moment on television became the crux of Mary Mary’s new, unexpected life. As the chrysalis opened, instead of flying over the audience and wowing the judges, Mary Mary fell to the ground, a wet, fat green caterpillar with a hot mess of blonde hair and bad breath.
Snickering bitches, I mean the other contestants, and the media looked on as Mary Mary realized that her body had no wings, no pretty new body, no, no nothing! Immediately, the show went to commercial and Mary Mary was taken off stage.
Magazines, the N! network, blogs and several articles slammed the contest for the idolization of caterpillars. Her misshapen body and shocked look graced several covers sitting on newsstands. Nothing was heard for several weeks from Mary Mary herself until it was determined why she did not change.
By: Creepymama,
on 9/26/2011
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Jack, from Jack and Jill as you already have learned, was also the star of another classic Nursery Rhyme scandal. Rarely do you get someone so stupid that they qualify for two scandals! Dreams of being in a rhyme like all the other good looking morons that crave the lights, magic and drama of being in a Nursery Rhyme drew little Jack to our fair city.
Jack was also known as Jack Horner. Jack was actually from a little burg just north of Idiocracy and east of Brainless. After the scandal with Jill, Jack let his ‘ego’ be soothed by Old Dame Dob. That didn’t work out as she wanted him to stay with her long term and Jack wasn’t having any of it. Sources say he believed there was stardom still out there for him and he was going to try use his fifteen minutes of fame. But he found the casting couch a cold place indeed since Jill was so beloved and had disappeared from public view. Jack soon found himself back on Old Dame’s doorstep when he realized he was person-non-grata in Nursery’s Rhymes. Old Dame Dob was a wealthy Nursery socialite and didn’t blink when Jack came back – having good obedient arm candy was a hard thing to find. Especially one so young and devastatingly handsome! Traipsing from party to party, from funeral services to fundraisers – you would have thought Jack would have been a happy camper. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
You see, Jack had a little addiction. According to our source, who asked not to be named,
Jack couldn’t cope with his situation and was addicted to prescription drugs. Doctor hopping, getting different prescriptions and soliciting different pharmacies around Nursery- can you believe this is one thing he was good at?
The whole thing unraveled in one night and this is what we managed to piece together based on witnessed accounts and video loaded onto over thirty social networking sites.
On yet another fundraiser at the mayor’s mansion two days before Christmas, Old Dame Dob and Jack arrived at the fundraiser a little late. According to the wait staff – she was berating Jack for something he was wearing. Jack took it stoically, but now we know he was stone cold high off his ass and had no comprehension of what she was saying. Everything was already in full swing, contributors drinking, the mayor bullshitting and Old Dame working the room as usual. So no paid attention when Jack floated over to the dessert table. Minutes later, there was a scream.
There was Jack, catastrophically high, naked and squatting on the dessert table fucking a pie.
You really don’t think it was his thumb did you? Text usage blew up in a matter of seconds and videos were posted to social networks faster than you could say “What a good boy am I!”
The waiters, dumbfounded for a second by what they were witnessing, suddenly went into action and tackled him off the table. The police were called and Jack was promptly arrested. He went to rehab – but we cannot imagine there being a program for sexually assaulting a pastry. Underst
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By: Creepymama,
on 9/21/2011
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All the people of Nursery would say to you that Peter was the most polite person you’d ever met. Endlessly charming and exceedingly sweet, he’d open doors, be quick with a light and was generally regarded as a nice man. He mowed his lawn every Saturday, helped Old Mother Hubbard take her groceries inside her home and no one had a bad thing to say about him. However, there was the thing about his wives. Poor Peter just couldn’t keep them.
Because Peter was a bat-shit crazy serial killer.
Isn’t always the quiet ones? Every couple of years he’d re-marry and tell anyone who asked that the ‘it just didn’t work out’ with the last wife. Why it didn’t occur to anyone that living in a giant pumpkin shell is totally weird? Or that ‘keeping’ his wife in one was even stranger not to mention illegal, to hold someone against their will? Peter had a total of sixteen wives in three different countries that authorities know of. Peter was just one of his aliases that he lived under in The Land of Nursery. Where he’s from originally, no one quite knows.
The discovery of his collection of wives’ shrunken heads was discovered in his gourd home by a concerned mailman. Instead of trying to shove the mail in an already full mailbox, the mailman approached the door and noticed an odd odor. Peeking in through a window, he was horrified to see shelves of shrunken heads.
The Nursery Police Department discovered fourteen heads on the shelves and one marinating in the freezer next to the ice cream. In the basement, in only what could be described as human body art studio - hands, feet, eyes, noses were found in beautifully decorated jars. Bones were used to make frames that held paintings made with the victim’s blood. Jawbone ashtrays, ribcage hangars and a hand that was made into a working lamp. All of this was neatly organized of course, clean and swept and supplies like knives and pins were labeled neatly.
Peter was never found. Detectives investigating the matter say that he is linked to the other ‘Head’ murder sprees in other countries and he’d gone by the alias, ‘Josher Josher Canteloupe Nosher’ and ‘Cruncher Cruncher Zucchini Muncher.’
Strangely enough, he’d sent his employer a letter stating he was going to the jungle to find cannibals because they were head hobbyists at heart (I did say he was polite!) – the letter signed by Headhunter Harry a.k.a Peter Peter Punkin Eater. The case is still open and any information on the matter can be forwarded to the Nursery Police Department.
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By: Creepymama,
on 9/18/2011
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Prohibition, speakeasies and flappers – the 1920’s were a crazy time in Nursery. Folks snuck around drinking in speakeasies, enamoured with the new found joy of short dresses, illegal hooch and flapping their legs about to music. Flying carpets had become the newest rage – letting the average magic folk get to and fro to parties and the modernization of the age was quickly changing the country. A war was brewing across the seas – the newspapers wrote dire warnings - then The Rub-a-Dub-Dub scandal hit Nursery square in the face.
Three men in a tub and the insane second cousin of The Tooth Fairy – what do they have in common? Seemingly nothing on the surface, but lurking below this scandal is sex, intrigue and the most bizarre murder ever seen in Nursery. The place of fantasy and famous rhyme did not see this one coming, but man, did everyone hear about it.
Until the Butcher, the Baker and the Candlestick maker died, these three men ran the more unsavory side of Nursery. Betting, drugs, and troll trafficking – these are only some of the ‘alleged’ activities that they’ve been accused of. The Candlestick maker was rumored to be the mastermind of it all – running their empire on fear, violence and severe fascination with pyromania. The Baker was rumored to have been married to the Old Woman in the Shoe for a short time and fathered several of her children while being married to redheaded mermaid. Our sources report that this mermaid beached herself upon hearing the news that the Baker was not as faithful as she thought. However, this pillar of monogamy was said to have baked the head of Goosey Goosey Gander as a message for welching on a bet and sending it to his wife. She promptly signed her cottage over and fled town. The Butcher? Well, as you can imagine, some folks walked into his establishment never to set foot outside it again. Sources say that he was the one who pushed Humpty Dumpty as his start in the crime syndicate.
And what do these vile men of Nursery’s vile seedy underworld have in common with Stinkerella?
One single night of chance and violence, folks – it changed their lives forever.
Stinkerella had been around the speakeasy circuit for some time – she is, after all, a 300 year old fairy. Gorgeous, beautiful, a fabulous dancer and a legend to some and a horror to others – let’s just say that this creature is one short of a six-pack at this point in her life. Rumors of the pyramid scheme with Mother Goose, stalking Tom Thumb and her recent stint in rehab for her ‘issue with soap’, have done nothing to help her image but the damage irrepairable with this whole scandal. Not to mention, no one would really even know anything about Stinkerella if this whole mess hadn’t have happened.
Witnesses say she’d club-hopped to several establishments and finally landed at The Dungeon, owned by none other than The Candlestick maker. Stinkerella was dancing with the other fairies, sprinkling fairy dust and this unfortunately, caused her to sneeze and fart at once. The odor of her flatulence caused quite a stir, some complaints an
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By: Creepymama,
on 9/14/2011
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In the land of Nursery
Who the hell did this dumbass think he was?
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?!?
Jill hauled off and punched Jack right off his feet. He rolled down the hill and sustained just a bit of damage –a black eye, broken arm and a lump on the head. Townspeople just about everywhere had seen this little scuffle with great enthusiasm. Making the front page of Nursery Times and running on the ticker of the N! Network, Jill was mortified and refused to take Jack’s phone calls or text messages. Not long after, Jack had found solace with Old Dame Dob, who was said to be really understanding to young Jack’s side of things.
Jill was, of course, beyond embarrassed. She thought she really loved that idiot and was horrified he’d take up with that old woman. Old Dame Dob was, like 25! Then according to the rhyme, Old Dame Dob patched up Jack’s nob with vinegar and brown paper. Any girl with good sense will tell you that is not a valid form of birth control. Well, Jack was very attractive and then – well, we’ll get to that scandal later. Shortly after, Jill moved and was never heard from again. Usually that is the end of our story, but our sources say that Jill has led a more interesting path than just letting some cute jerk screw her over and wallow in self-pity.
Jill became The Fairy Gothmother.
She took her hurt feelings and turned it into a musical industry. She created her band, The Gothmothers, wrote some bad-ass lyrics and sang her way to the top of the charts. Singing hits such as “Down the hill Jerk!” “Motherfunkmonkey!” and “Kick the Drool Puppy” made her number one. Her outrageous costumes and on-stage antics have made her millions of fans the world over. Her fandom of repulsively, dark children worship the Fairy Gothmother with dark lipstick, black clothing and morose attitude. They pull the legs off spiders and wait for dark things to happen to them as they blog about their love for their Gothmother on the internet. All the adoration she never got f
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By: Creepymama,
on 9/13/2011
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My youngest is sixteen months old and like all toddlers enjoys eating cat food, playing with all my cooking utensils and playing poltergiest. Yes, I said poltergiest. He goes into his brother's rooms and turns on their tv's - pressing all the buttons and laughing his butt off at the snowy screen. I imagine a conversation....
TV ghosts: Hello little one!
Beefy: Whut up!
TV ghosts: He's touching the screen - grab him!
Beefy: Do you have food?
TV ghosts: AH!!! I threw my back out! He's too heavy, where's that skinny kid?
Beefy settles for licking the screen then walking away.
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By: Creepymama,
on 9/9/2011
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A-Z about me!!!
A. Age: 37 skidding towards 40!
By: Creepymama,
on 9/6/2011
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Okay, so we didn't epically fail at our craft fair but we learned a lot of things. I was disappointed at first, but my sister and I did decide to do this at the last minute. I did sell one painting and got a commission for another involving mummies. We are wanting our stuff to be more mainstream and we got a lot of looks at our crafts. Most importantly we got feedback on what people like and then we discussed what would do well.
I've been inspired to venture into a new area for me - dolls. I am infatuated with a few I've been looking at these past few days and will have to experiment to come up with my style of doll. I did come across some creepy shit while coming up for that perfect idea. My god what the hell are people thinking? Okay, I know what they're thinking, I love creepy stuff to, but man, the ones I saw look like nightmares. I just hope our first steps into this area doesn't trip us and we end up skidding on face first.
On another note, so excited for Larry! The book is doing well - I've been getting a lot of good feedback. I even found out that a teacher was using it for her class! Amazing! If you'd like your free copy of Larry Jones and His Lying Bones, go to this link : Larry Jones and His Lying Bones
By: Creepymama,
on 8/30/2011
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/24/2011
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/23/2011
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Don't you love when good ideas spring up and smack you? I know I do. My crafty partner in crime, Olivia Jones of ProjectStockpile and I were talking about how our Grandma used to make those Raggedy Anns and how cool it would be to make some, blah, blah, blah. At the same time we were checking out these creepy little dolls other folks have made and inspiration struck. I mentioned this to a friend of mine and she suggested putting a piercing on her nose! Hmm..never considered that before....However, there are some other things that we have brewing...keep an eye out and visit us often! 
By: Creepymama,
on 8/16/2011
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/10/2011
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B. Bed size: Cal king - gotta make sure Beefy is comfortable.
C. Chore that you hate: I make the kids do them.
D. Dogs: Do boys count?
E. Essential start to your day: coffee!!!!
F. Favorite color: green
G. Gold or Silver: gold
H. Height: 5′ 3 3/4 - as my son loves to tower over me and point out
I. Instruments you play: none, i suck
J. Job title: a/r, artist, mama
K. Kids: 4 lovely well-behaved fiendlings...HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA
L. Live: Newman, Ca.
M. Mother’s name: Susan
N. Nicknames: Dudemom, mama, loverface.
0 Comments on A-Z about me!!! as of 1/1/1990
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By: Creepymama,
on 9/6/2011
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I've been inspired to venture into a new area for me - dolls. I am infatuated with a few I've been looking at these past few days and will have to experiment to come up with my style of doll. I did come across some creepy shit while coming up for that perfect idea. My god what the hell are people thinking? Okay, I know what they're thinking, I love creepy stuff to, but man, the ones I saw look like nightmares. I just hope our first steps into this area doesn't trip us and we end up skidding on face first.
On another note, so excited for Larry! The book is doing well - I've been getting a lot of good feedback. I even found out that a teacher was using it for her class! Amazing! If you'd like your free copy of Larry Jones and His Lying Bones, go to this link : Larry Jones and His Lying Bones
0 Comments on Whoa! Don't trip! as of 1/1/1990
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/30/2011
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"MOM I'M HUNGRY!!!!"
Do I ignore that or feed the kids? What to do, what to do?
As I paint, I think, where is the duct tape? No, I can't do that! I get up and make dinner. By the time I sat down back at my desk I'm too tired from all the boy drama, chores and running around to do a painting justice. But the Surly Sue in color - she turned out just like I imagined her. However, I'm cringing with fear at how we'll do at the craft fair this weekend. This is the first time I've done anything like this. I was looking through my work, deciding which ones I'm going to put out and realized how far I've come artistically the past 5 years. I have to say this one I'm very proud of this one. I had six more I wanted to paint but I simply did not have time. As an artist and mama, I find it hard to do both. Time seems to escape me more and more, but I'm having waves of paintings scramble through my head and not enough time to paint them. I want to do a good job and get those ideas on paper but where do I steal the time from? I don't want to epically fail at the craft show and I don't want to fail at being a mama either - AHHHH!!!
The time crunch is upon me! Do any of you artist/writers have that problem too? How do you handle it?
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/24/2011
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I’m glad it wasn’t only my kids yesterday that were acting like lunatics. They were close to be shipped to outer Mongolia for taking away Marc’s seashell/treasure map thing (don’t ask) instead of being ready for school. I go to my sisters’ house and it’s the same there - but it’s a fight over hair accessories. I was glad they had to go to school and quit driving everyone crazy. Then I get to work and my boss is coming to the realization her baby girl is going away to college. I admit - that took the wind out of my sails for a moment. I know my sister will be experiencing the same thing next year which I cannot even imagine. I’ve got some time to go - about five years, but to go off and have a life? WHAT? You spend all that time preparing your very own human being to be a functioning member of society and poof! They sail away to their very own life! hm….
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/23/2011
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0 Comments on Gothedy Ann as of 1/1/1990
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/16/2011
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Work, football, lists, crafts, dinner, dishes, laundry - I feel like a crazy person lately. However, I did find time to interview, Olivia jones, owner of Project Random, at the football game we attended last Saturday.
Tell us a little about yourself.
I totally need a haircut - GOGOGO CYRUS!
Um, a little more please.
I'm a stay-at home mom - we have 9 kids -
Good lord! Do you drink?
Not as much as you'd think....
What trends do you see coming up?
I see a lot of ugly and I do mean ugly stuff, like from the 80's being sold a lot. I think people remember that time fondly and want something to see everyday to remind them of that feeling. ( I can attest to the heinousness of the 80's - don't shoot the coffee out your nose but I had stretch pants and aquanet).
What makes you pick what you pick for your store?
I pick things that speak to me - stuff I'd like to see in my house or a time period I'd like to experience.
What's your least/most favorite about your store?
I love looking for loot at yard sales - the least favorite would have to be coming up with words to describe everything...
Might I suggest a dictionary? I also understand your nephew has some colorful words you could use to spice things up.
Very funny.
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By: Creepymama,
on 8/10/2011
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My sister and I were plotting our crafty ways at football practice when she said,
"I think Molly thinks I'm a stalker. You know, that lady I follow for sewing stuff."
"No way."
"Totally. She probably thinks I'm a psycho. I would totally want to meet her instead of, like, Mel Gibson."
"He'd punch you in the face."
"I started writing her an email about how I'm NOT a crazy person and realized what I was doing...."
"You sounded fucking nuts! Hahahahahaa!!!"
"And not Mel Gibson, I don't know why I said that."
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ok, I laughed until coffee came out my nose...now I have to pee...GREAT story