And I keep thinking about how much I miss you all. So many of you.
And I keep trying to involve myself in other projects.
I don't want to have to create a career based on the fact that I might not succeed and I might be a failure and I might not get published and I might not be okay and I might have to work in awful retail jobs for the next ten years of my life because of the college debt I'm in
And I keep trying to think of things to post about
And I keep thinking about how much I miss you all. So many of you.
And I keep trying to involve myself in other projects.
And I forget why I started this blog in the first place
(Why did I start this blog in the first place?)
And I met someone who keeps saying that I will be published, and I realize
How much I started to believe
That wasn't possible
And I realized
How much I don't want a back up plan
I don't want to have to create a career based on the fact that I might not succeed and I might be a failure and I might not get published and I might not be okay and I might have to work in awful retail jobs for the next ten years of my life because of the college debt I'm in
And the fact is
I don't care if I have to work in retail for the next twenty years of my life
I don't care if I have to struggle and if it's awful
Because I know I want to be an author
That's why I've been writing since I was able to hold a crayon
Why I've been telling stories since I was able to string syllables together into coherent sounds
The World keeps going around and around and I'm going to keep spinning with it but I don't want to have to have a back-up plan anymore. If I decide to go into the publishing world I want to do it because I love it, not because I need a safety net.
This college thing... Being here, in a different state away from home for really the first time. My first try at college doesn't count, since I went home on the weekends. Being in a completely different environment. I'm learning a whole lot about myself, and I've been so busy figuring out who I am, it's been hard to figure out who my characters are, and my writing life had been precarious at best, and my absence here has been out of necessity, but I don't want to stay here. I want to write more this year. Edit more. Actually be the person I'm realizing I am.
Because I miss you.
I miss the world of writing.
I miss my characters.
I even miss creeping on agents a little bit. Finding out which agents publish which books, which publishing houses publish which of my favorite authors. I miss that whole world.
I don't really know how to end this so...
Sometimes.
Sometimes life doesn't go quite as you thought it would.
Or quite as you planned.
I had originally planned to go to college near where I lived, graduate as an English major, maybe find a godly man along the way and get married, though that was never a necessity. Hopefully get published and live happily ever after.
This year hasn't exactly followed that plan. There's been a whole lot of... Disruptings going on.
You see, life is kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book.
I wish this were a real book
I would totes read it
All the chapters are there. All of the possibilities. So sometimes you can choose between two pages. Each page will lead you somewhere else, to a different ending, to different beginnings.
1) Instead of going to a college near my home I moved 8 hours away to a completely different state.
2) Instead of being an English major I'm currently a Classics Major, learning about Latin, amphoras, and Roman mosaics (and Italian pastiglias - which are gorgeous but torturous to write about)
3) Instead of being single I ended up in a relationship a little while ago
4) Instead of being friendless like I feared I would be, I ended up with a group of friends I love. We support each other, and encourage each other, and debate with each other. We also watch Disney movies together, which is an absolute must. Disney movies are great things to bond over, I so declare.
5) Instead of doing horrible in my classes like I feared I would, I got good grades and learned to respect different teaching styles. I ended up with wonderful professors that I am proud of to have as my teachers.
6) Instead of only ever being in one relationship like I had hoped, I ended up breaking up with someone. And I was fine. But he wasn't.
7) Instead of losing touch with my friends and family back home, I ended up closer than ever with them. Thanks not only to Skype but Facebook, and cell phones, and all kinds of wonders of technology
8) Instead of living quietly in a dorm, I ended up friends with almost my entire hall. And though my roommate and I didn't work out, the rest of my hall and I did. So. It ended up being okay.
8) Instead of getting published I learned more about the industry, and was able to go to BEA again, and I understand more about the craft, and I'm getting over my fear of failure.
9) Instead of staying with Borders, my favorite job I have ever had, I had to leave and watch the company break down. But I was part of a family of co-workers that I will treasure forever (In fact, a group of us have banded together to start up a
blog about books, also something I hadn't expected)
10) Instead of only reading YA and middle grade I learned how to red non-fiction, and learned how to love non-fiction, and I disc
Sometimes.
Sometimes life doesn't go quite as you thought it would.
Or quite as you planned.
I had originally planned to go to college near where I lived, graduate as an English major, maybe find a godly man along the way and get married, though that was never a necessity. Hopefully get published and live happily ever after.
This year hasn't exactly followed that plan. There's been a whole lot of... Disruptings going on.
You see, life is kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book.
I wish this were a real book
I would totes read it
All the chapters are there. All of the possibilities. So sometimes you can choose between two pages. Each page will lead you somewhere else, to a different ending, to different beginnings.
1) Instead of going to a college near my home I moved 8 hours away to a completely different state.
2) Instead of being an English major I'm currently a Classics Major, learning about Latin, amphoras, and Roman mosaics (and Italian pastiglias - which are gorgeous but torturous to write about)
3) Instead of being single I ended up in a relationship a little while ago
4) Instead of being friendless like I feared I would be, I ended up with a group of friends I love. We support each other, and encourage each other, and debate with each other. We also watch Disney movies together, which is an absolute must. Disney movies are great things to bond over, I so declare.
5) Instead of doing horrible in my classes like I feared I would, I got good grades and learned to respect different teaching styles. I ended up with wonderful professors that I am proud of to have as my teachers.
6) Instead of only ever being in one relationship like I had hoped, I ended up breaking up with someone. And I was fine. But he wasn't.
7) Instead of losing touch with my friends and family back home, I ended up closer than ever with them. Thanks not only to Skype but Facebook, and cell phones, and all kinds of wonders of technology
8) Instead of living quietly in a dorm, I ended up friends with almost my entire hall. And though my roommate and I didn't work out, the rest of my hall and I did. So. It ended up being okay.
8) Instead of getting published I learned more about the industry, and was able to go to BEA again, and I understand more about the craft, and I'm getting over my fear of failure.
9) Instead of staying with Borders, my favorite job I have ever had, I had to leave and watch the company break down. But I was part of a family of co-workers that I will treasure forever (In fact, a group of us have banded together to start up a
blog about books, also something I hadn't expected)
10) Instead of only reading YA and middle grade I learned how to red non-fiction, and learned how to love non-fiction, and I discovered an increasing love for children's picture books
11) Instead of letting life happen around me, I'm starting to learn how to wake up and be a part of this magnificent world. To hold onto the relationships that will last. To try things even if it may not work out, and even if I will fail, and even if I may end up looking stupid.
12) Instead of being who I've always been, I'm discovering things about myself I never knew before. Some good, some... Not so much. But at least I understand more about who I am, and who I could possibly be some day.
So instead of starting this New Year with a shrug and a desperate need for sleep, I hope to start this New Year on a new page of my Choose My Own Adventure, with a blank page, and a ready pen in my hand. Prepared for the fact that I don't know where the pages will take me, but confident that the God I believe in, trust in, and place hope in, will bring me to a new chapter that will defy my expectations. And some of that will be good, and some not so much, but that's okay. Because I have awesome friends, and because I have an awesome family, and because I really love the taste of ravioli. And even if random parts of the South do not have round ravioli, they still have square ones, so life will be okay in the end. Because of ravioli. ;)
Mmmmm...
Have a good New Year's my lamnams. I pray your last year had it's beautiful moments that you will be able to cherish forever. And I hope you had moments to laugh, because I know I did (Corrugated sighs! <-- Don't ask)
The Seduction of a Wall
Vale. (<-- Latin for farewell. Not like an English vale)
This:
Not This:
Happy New Year!! :)
As a writer of fantasy I believe in the possibility of multiple realities. And because I have an insane imagination sometimes it seriously feels like a reality threaded next to this one is getting really close - like having two bubbles come up side by side, and either they will merge or pop - and it makes me wonder...
What would that be like? How would that affect us? Would it even affect us at all?
Say our bubble of reality sidles up alongside another bubble of reality:
Would it cause the bubble to pop?
Or would it cause the bubble to become just a smaller add on to our bubble world:
If our bubble of reality pops a next door neighbor bubble, what happens to that reality? Does it no longer exist? Does it pop up and exist elsewhere? What if it gets downsized and become nothing but an add on bubble, like in the above picture? Will reality just become a fragment of what it was, like a shard of glass that used to be part of a larger whole, but is now just a piece of its formal self?
Can you imagine if our choices affected the movement of our bubble of reality? That would be crazy. Unlikely, probably not true at all, but it is interesting to think about. Most of my stories concern reality and its duplicates, or the bending of reality, or the fluidity of reality, at least in some manner.
What about you? Do you think about reality? Do you think reality is just one bubble out of many, or do you think of reality more like a cinder block, solid and unmoving and singular?
As a writer of fantasy I believe in the possibility of multiple realities. And because I have an insane imagination sometimes it seriously feels like a reality threaded next to this one is getting really close - like having two bubbles come up side by side, and either they will merge or pop - and it makes me wonder...
What would that be like? How would that affect us? Would it even affect us at all?
Say our bubble of reality sidles up alongside another bubble of reality:
Would it cause the bubble to pop?
Or would it cause the bubble to become just a smaller add on to our bubble world:
If our bubble of reality pops a next door neighbor bubble, what happens to that reality? Does it no longer exist? Does it pop up and exist elsewhere? What if it gets downsized and become nothing but an add on bubble, like in the above picture? Will reality just become a fragment of what it was, like a shard of glass that used to be part of a larger whole, but is now just a piece of its formal self?
Can you imagine if our choices affected the movement of our bubble of reality? That would be crazy. Unlikely, probably not true at all, but it is interesting to think about. Most of my stories concern reality and its duplicates, or the bending of reality, or the fluidity of reality, at least in some manner.
What about you? Do you think about reality? Do you think reality is just one bubble out of many, or do you think of reality more like a cinder block, solid and unmoving and singular?
I have a pet peeve. He is cute and purple and his name is Steve. He looks like this:
Steve is a kind and caring peeve. He is adorable and I am very sad when people upset him. You see, Steve is very concious of kilowatts. It's not his fault. He self-actualized because of something I learned from my father.
You see, I grew up with a wonderful father who has the same kind of imagination I do. Only... I beat him in the insane department. But anyway. When either I or one of my siblings left lights on unnecessarily in the house my dad would cry:
And so forth. I would look up into the flourescent light and it hurt my eyes, so I stopped and looked down at the non-flourescent tile floor instead, and imagined the light in my head. Then I would imagine the microscopic insides of a lightbulb:
I thought killowatts were like blue shining amoebas. I'm pretty sure that is not the case, sadly, but whatever. I don't have to be defined by reality. And that's not the point. The point is Steve Peeve is disstressed when people go around killing them all of the time. That's actually one of the things I like about the college I am attending. They have little signs at all the lights reminding people to turn them off when they are not being used. And it makes Steve Peeve happy. And he dances. And has a party. And drinks glasses of sparkling water through an orange straw, because Steve Peeve is just that cool.
So think of Steve. Don't kill the killowatts. Have a party with sparkling water and epic orange straws instead, because that is much more awesome.
I have a pet peeve. He is cute and purple and his name is Steve. He looks like this:
Steve is a kind and caring peeve. He is adorable and I am very sad when people upset him. You see, Steve is very concious of kilowatts. It's not his fault. He self-actualized because of something I learned from my father.
You see, I grew up with a wonderful father who has the same kind of imagination I do. Only... I beat him in the insane department. But anyway. When either I or one of my siblings left lights on unnecessarily in the house my dad would cry:
And so forth. I would look up into the flourescent light and it hurt my eyes, so I stopped and looked down at the non-flourescent tile floor instead, and imagined the light in my head. Then I would imagine the microscopic insides of a lightbulb:
I thought killowatts were like blue shining amoebas. I'm pretty sure that is not the case, sadly, but whatever. I don't have to be defined by reality. And that's not the point. The point is Steve Peeve is disstressed when people go around killing them all of the time. That's actually one of the things I like about the college I am attending. They have little signs at all the lights reminding people to turn them off when they are not being used. And it makes Steve Peeve happy. And he dances. And has a party. And drinks glasses of sparkling water through an orange straw, because Steve Peeve is just that cool.
So think of Steve. Don't kill the killowatts. Have a party with sparkling water and epic orange straws instead, because that is much more awesome.
I love, love, love meeting other writers. Whether it's online, or in "real" life, or whatever. It's fantastic. I have moved down to VA and am attending a college here. Most of my friends I have met write. The one creates worlds and languages like I do, and it's been such a joy to talk about each other's worlds. I don't know. There's just something magical about it. And my other friend is still figuring out how to write, so in the meantime she's drawing pictures of her characters and it's fantastic to listen to the ideas that will one day find their way onto paper.
And to think I was nervous about moving away from home. Sometimes I forget about the magic that exists in the writing and Geek world. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do, what you like, what you don't like, as soon as you find a fellow writer or Geek there is an instant connection, an instant bond of friendship. It's so much fun.
And it makes world building so much easier. I love writing stuff with others. There's something about the interaction that just works for me. And when I'm not writing with someone I have found it is super useful to bounce my ideas off of someone else. I have been stuck on my Haunbrinth series, just not sure where to take it. I've been unable to write anything because I haven't known the end of the series, and I have to know what the end is, what the goal is, before I can go forward.
Today I was talking with this one fellow that I met who writes. I am basing a character off of him because I like to do that (I always get permission first, of course) me. I came back to my dorm to write out a basic outline based on this new character and suddenly it all made sense to me. I know the entire arch. I know why the beginning starts the way it does. I was having issues with the beginning and now I know why.
This is why the writer community is so important to me. It's so important to have fellow writers that you can talk with. Not only to get ideas, or to get through pot tangles, but to get encouragement and to stay excited. NaNoWriMo begins in a couple of weeks and now I feel much more confident.
So thank you to writers and Geeks everywhere. You make my life beautiful.
I love, love, love meeting other writers. Whether it's online, or in "real" life, or whatever. It's fantastic. I have moved down to VA and am attending a college here. Most of my friends I have met write. The one creates worlds and languages like I do, and it's been such a joy to talk about each other's worlds. I don't know. There's just something magical about it. And my other friend is still figuring out how to write, so in the meantime she's drawing pictures of her characters and it's fantastic to listen to the ideas that will one day find their way onto paper.
And to think I was nervous about moving away from home. Sometimes I forget about the magic that exists in the writing and Geek world. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do, what you like, what you don't like, as soon as you find a fellow writer or Geek there is an instant connection, an instant bond of friendship. It's so much fun.
And it makes world building so much easier. I love writing stuff with others. There's something about the interaction that just works for me. And when I'm not writing with someone I have found it is super useful to bounce my ideas off of someone else. I have been stuck on my Haunbrinth series, just not sure where to take it. I've been unable to write anything because I haven't known the end of the series, and I have to know what the end is, what the goal is, before I can go forward.
Today I was talking with this one fellow that I met who writes. I am basing a character off of him because I like to do that (I always get permission first, of course) me. I came back to my dorm to write out a basic outline based on this new character and suddenly it all made sense to me. I know the entire arch. I know why the beginning starts the way it does. I was having issues with the beginning and now I know why.
This is why the writer community is so important to me. It's so important to have fellow writers that you can talk with. Not only to get ideas, or to get through pot tangles, but to get encouragement and to stay excited. NaNoWriMo begins in a couple of weeks and now I feel much more confident.
So thank you to writers and Geeks everywhere. You make my life beautiful.
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It is beautiful. I have Akkadian written on my mirror, and I painted it on my roommates one painting (with her permission, of course - actually, more with her threatening me then with her giving me permission) and I carry flashcards around with me for when I'm bored. *drool* I love this stuff. It's SO HARD! But one day I will know it all and no one will no why. Do you want to know why? Ha! But then I couldn't say no one would know, because you are a someone and you would know. Right? Right. However, I trust you, oh internet crawlers, and blog readers, and lamnams of awesome: I am one day going to time travel to Sumer and die of some sort of bug plague and it will be the best way to die ever, because I will be able to hug a Sumerian. And hugging a Sumerian obviously brings completion to one's life.
Aw! "I learned that she can write really well" Hooray for you! I don't know first hand, but apparently you kinda have to be wracked with self-doubt at times in order to be a good writer. That and a fair share of them become drunks. Being a writer is an incredibly stressful job! Congrats to you, Girly Girl :)
That is awesome! Woooo!
I totally understand the adequacy thing. I fear being adequate. I know it's weird but most of the time I have to either be good at something or DANGEROUSLY BAD. At least being bad is a thing. At least there are STORIES in being bad. Haha. Anyway. That is my worry sometimes.
<3