the faces are imaginary, the eyes are not, my subject is the eyes, the window to one's soul, not only to mine, but to others as well, the faces are only there to accomodate my main subject...

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life is not meaningless but what is meaningful is far and few in between ..... i've received my fair share of material rewards: money, titles, recognition in form of words, etc... but i've never felt so empty... my recent disappointment made 'hope' even more distant than before they are but all - momentary happiness. Once again, i'm being reminded that, what truly matters to me are my family, friends, a free mind to paint, a free heart to appreciate what i still have in life. Most importantly, i wanted a growing faith. i hope my family and friends will understand when in future i choose to do what i feel is the right thing to do....as i'm typing this, even i doubt my judgement on what is really 'right' after what had happened. i may be poorer i may seemed intellectually less competent compared to what i'm still doing now or what i've done in the past. but i will not mind, if my family and close friends understand and still accept me in whatever situation i'm in. How very true...it is not simple to be simple. it takes a lot to find that happiness is simplicity....

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oil on canvas pad ...... ...maybe it's really not worth staying on....it is ironic, that a place that i've always wanted to work in could make me feel this way...within such a short time...what is wrong?

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i came back Friday night from the gallery, feeling worn out (physically). and a little upset over an issue. felt the strong need to record my thoughts in some form, about how i felt in certain situations when at the Gallery or during the solo opening exhibitions of artists. this is titled: Are You Really Here For Art? sepia tone pencil, 2b pencil and red colour pencil on sketchbook. .......

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self portrait in progress oil on wood ..........

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a painting does tell a story, but sometimes, an untouched canvas/surface tells even more.... ..... the beginning stage of another self portrait...oil on wood....

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still work in progress.. no ears and body yet.. maybe i will not continue with this it is a failure.. i have not been able to focus and i kept making mistakes..

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mom hasn't been well. dad needs taking care of. nobody is around. caring words are aplenty... should at least be thankful for that... please give me enough of energy and will power to make them happy...

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.......
oil on board, still a work in progress...this will take much longer than expected
........



today will be my third day at the gallery.
it used to be the gallery that i've wanted to work in
many years ago, and now, five years later, i'm finally here.
i've given up a good job, good salary, good bosses and friends to look for that path that will lead me to what i wanted to become....
not that i'm not happy,
but i do hope someday, instead of working at the desk of the gallery,
my paintings will be hung there on the walls.


i must remind myself every now and then,
especially when caught up in the background works of art exhibitions,
the reason for joining an art gallery
and to not stray from that and to continue with improving my own paintings...


as always,a lot of 'what ifs' in my mind
what if i become unhappy here?
what if i cannot get along with the owner?
what if after this, instead of feeding my passion by working here, it will be wiped out? like how it was like for me when i joined an advertising company when i first started work?

ah...i think too much...

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though imagined, i hope the eyes were able to convey the luminosity that i wanted to achieve...
....

i've been painting in the toilet and really...i do feel like moving back to my own place....but is it worth it? just for the sake of having a larger and private place to paint?

not that i really mind the toilet space, but it's the lack of fresh air circulating...

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oil sketch, digitalized. (i hate to digitalize...)

........

i wish to have a place to go
for a daily sesssion of painting

a place where a model could pose
and under natural lighting
with enough of fresh air circulating...

........

i haven't been able to paint lately
only sketches but no paintings...

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i was tidying up my room the other day and thought i might as well rearrange the items in my drawers.

Many forgotten items were found, well kept in different boxes...and among the letters, postcards, gifts, i found a piece of my past:



i remember doing this, many years ago
the poem was from an old book, the words so resonate with how i felt at that time, i could not help but copy it.

it is funny, how feelings change with time
i suppose it wasn't love
for love is supposed to last

..........


the layers i have put around the pain of your going are thin
i walk softly through life, adding thickness each day
a thought or a feeling of you cracks the surface,
a call to you shatters it all
i spend that night in death
and spin the first layer of life with the sunrise

.........


i am so glad i could now smile while reading this

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Poems can be in various forms....

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instead of reaching for the oils, i decided to just simply sketch with colour pencils today...
it has been a long time since i last did anything like this...

.......

i have finally found the right person to replace me in the office - i think. and i hope my boss will like her too. that she will work well and will not give up easily.

soon, i'll be drifting again....

how can a drifter ever be settled?


this passion of mine...it's like falling in love with the wrong guy....like the old fashion lyrics: if loving you is wrong then i don't want to be right again...or something like that (gosh, what's wrong with me today)

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oil on board.

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The completed painting with gold leaf added (this photo was taken in my room with the lights off...)

...............................................................................................


Friday, I interviewed a lady one year my senior for a position in my company (I am looking for my replacement..). She has an IT background, which attracted my attention and curiosity as to why she has applied to work in a totally different scope of work. Maybe, she’s like me? When she arrived, i’ve already sensed that something was amiss…but I brushed it off, saying to myself, that I shouldn’t make assumption of a person I haven’t even got to know yet.

A few minutes later, she completed the application form and I briefly went through them. The sentence: “Hearing Problem. Have problem with low frequency sound” stood out.
I said to myself again, “maybe that’s not too bad. Let’s see how it is at the interview”

It was during the interview session that I realized that hearing isn’t her only problem …I could see her struggling, trying to listen to my every word. I tried to speak louder, but it didn’t help much. She answered me very very slowly, every single word requires so much effort from her and I noticed she never let me complete my sentences, although it didn’t seem to be due to rudeness, it was something else that she has no control over…and that crushed my heart…..

Nevertheless, I proceeded by asking her more in-depth questions. This is what I’ve learnt, after what seemed to be a rather agonizing process for her:
After graduating from the university, she worked for a number of years in the IT line. After some time, she realized that she is no longer capable of meeting the demands of the work. She was not able to respond as fast as her younger colleagues, so she decided to leave the IT sector for good and to do something administrative. From the employment request form, I noticed she never stayed on for more than a year per company since she left the IT job. Without having to ask, I think I know why…I asked her how long has she been suffering from the hearing problem and she said about 2 years now. 2 years ago, she was working at a manufacturing company where the environment was very very noisy. That might have been the reason for her hearing problem.

I have no heart to say that she’s not suitable for our company but at the same time, I didn’t want to give her false hope, so I decided to be frank, pointing out the importance of responsiveness in our line of work since we have to deal with demanding clients.
She looked at me in dismay….

After politely thanking her for her time and seeing her off, I was in deep thought….

I felt sorry for her…she knows she has a problem (and I’m not referring to the hearing problem) yet she is still trying, to give what she could contribute still, to whoever that is willing to accept her….

How sad it must be for her to leave an interview, rejected….most of the time…..

There are so many able bodied, sound minded people out there, frustrated with minor o

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it's morning here, and nobody else is awake yet and so i am glad. and oh, it's starting to rain! that's even better...

....

since my last post, i've continued with the self portrait and this is how the completed painting looks:



i've tried to fit in whatever time i have to do a little bit of painting after work or during the weekends. i managed to do so for this self portrait.

then, i proceeded with another, but an imagined person and here's the progress so far:



initial sketch





2nd sitting



i'm not sure when will this ever be finished...apart from the 'time' factor, i had to move the easel away from the toilet studio back to my own room and then back to the toilet studio again and back again to my own room....this nomadic studio situation isn't helping...

hope i'll be able to find a fixed place to paint soon...

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it's been a while since i last posted anything illustrative...
it's been a while since i last have more then 2 comments...
for my visitors may not be used to my current state of expression...
this progression (or perhaps, considered deterioration to most) from being cute to whimsical,
from whimsical to melancholic, from melancholic to darker leanings...and from darker leanings to another struggle of being truthful...no matter how ugly the truth is...
when will i ever find the fit?

although i'm still struggling
i'm willing to continue with it
be persistent, at my most positive
hoping someday
the truth can be more beautifully expressed, conveyed...
although the sentence :What is it all for? still lingers
i shall try to stand up and take the brush and learn again
until i cannot take the falls any longer...


but i hope you'll bear with me
and come back to visit me every now and then
that perhaps someday
when you visit me again
i'll be better in my paintings
or perhaps you'll be able to understand then,
what i've been trying to express now
during my transitional state...

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observing one self
is a very humbling experience...

trying my best to not cover my flaws
trying to see who i really am..
be honest to how i really feel...



.....

oil sketch on board

.....

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today, is a memorable day
for the first time, one of my heels gave way while i was finding my way to an art gallery
and you know what?

it decided to give way right infront of an expensive boutique. i looked around frantically for some other 'cheaper' looking boutiques but unfortunately, none was in sight...

i had no choice but to limp right up to the boutique and all they have are heels that are so high that looking at them was enough to cause a recurrence of slip disc.

but i had no choice, and there goes enough of money to buy a few more tubes of oil paints...for a pair of heels that i would never ever consider buying under normal circumstances.

but then again, i should be really thankful that there WAS a boutique for me to get into right in front of me or else i would have to discard the other heel and walk barefooted back to a shopping complex a few blocks away where my car was parked and i wouldn't have continued my journey to the art gallery after that, and i would never have viewed a meaningful art exhibition by an amazing artist. yes, i'm truly blessed.

.......


God must still want me to be inspired....

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worked on this a little further...

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a painting in progress, in my 'studio' (which is the toilet)....


this took me about 5 hours since lunch time yesterday just to reach this stage. although this is my first time painting this big, i didn't expect it to take that long...continued after dinner for a few more hours...and well, will continue again today..i just hope i won't spoil it in the process...

i'm so 'groggy' today...where's my coffee?

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oil on wood board

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i wake up early every morning
ample time to get prepared to go to the office
but what would i rather do?

paint a little bit more...
analyse a little bit more...
study inspirational works a little bit more
till i'm always a few minutes late to work

for the past few months
if you noticed
i've been posting a little more often than last year
that's a sign...
but what will i do this time?
what should i do?

why must they still force me to stay
when i so want to run away?

why must they force me to commit?
when i'm not even ready
i'll never be ready for anything
except for the sake of art...

how i wish for the opportunity to be mentored, to be guided
by a wise painter...


all my postings...
they are just my S.O.S....

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