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My friend Joe once told a story of his screenwriting class.
In screenwriting class, you workshop the scripts your classmates have written. The class each gets a copy, you read it aloud, and then you “discuss”. Joe’s class had just finished reading a script written by a guy named…Sean. I think his name was Sean. Anyway, in Sean’s script, there was a scene where two women are sitting on a bed, in their underwear, eating chocolates.
They weren’t dressed in Victorian underwear, though. (My mom reads this blog, sooo…)
It was time to “discuss”. Joe, who was married and also had a bunch of sisters, began to “discuss”:
And Sean was like:
He obviously didn’t know what girls did when guys weren’t around. Because if he did, the scene would’ve been a girl sitting on the toilet, browsing Pinterest. For like, an hour.
(I’m sorry you had to see this. I’m sorry I had to see it, too. The truth hurts.)
(Side note: I have over 1800 recipes pinned on Pinterest. 1800! Guess how many I’ve made? 3. Not only am I a digital hoarder, but when the next giant solar flare hits, I’m up a creek…all those delicious recipes, sacrificed to the sun god. It breaks my heart (and my tummy) just thinking about it.)
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about poor Sean-who-knew-nothing-about-girls lately. At first I thought this was pretty funny…
Until I realized that, having been single for most of my life (minus that 1st grade fling with Gage), I don’t really know much about guys.
I am Sean.
Well, okay, not entirely. I once talked to a boy, so…I like to think I have a pretty good idea of what guys do when girls aren’t around.
And I am about to tell you.
(Brace yourselves.)
The typical day for a man begins at 6:00 AM. Because guys grow beards while they’re sleeping, they have to shave in the morning. I don’t know a lot about shaving but I believe it’s done with an ax.
They then go and lift heavy things.
Men love lifting heavy things!
Barbells, bars of barbells, refrigerators, houses…
I can’t lift heavy things so I’m kind of jealous.
Oh my gosh…it’s just…I’m…this may have been the dreamiest picture I’ve ever drawn I need to go take a cold shower.
(phew.)
After that, most of the day is spent taking car engines apart. (Something I also cannot do.)
(…or draw.)
For dinner, the manliest men do not eat. They simply drink bottles of hot sauce.
Hot sauce with names like: “Land of a Billion Tiny Black Peppers”….”Sweet Sweet Salsa Muerte”….”Melted Boiling Heart Cockles”….”Virgin Viper Kisses on Hot Asphalt.”
(I could do this for hours. I’m thinking about starting a hot sauce-naming company.)
And then…men put masks on, grab baseball bats, and go out into the city TO FIGHT CRIME!!!
Whap whap whap whap whap
Whap whap whap whap whap
Whap whap whap whap whap whap whap whap
(Er…sorry mom.)
After crime has been eradicated (around 11:00 or so), men like to get in touch with their soft-side by watching a feel-good chick flick. (Men love feel-good chick flicks.)
And then they aaalll go to bed…so they can do it again the next day!
Now you know. The secret life of men has been exposed. I’ve done you all a service. Thank me, shake my hand, leave a comment…but most definitely do not tell me that what men really do is just wander aimlessly around the aisles of Home Depot.
Don’t destroy my dreams.
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