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Okay so, there I am, minding my own business one day, just going through Directv's guide of daily distractions, when I come upon something called H8Rs (You Have to See it to Believe it). Now, in this era of lazy restructuring of the English language (along the lines of LOL and OMGIJPMWL (Oh my god, I just pissed myself with laughter), I felt compelled to see what new form of abbreviation made it to prime time television. Turns out, H8Rs is a new reality show about regular people who, after extensively reading those irrefutably-reliable sources of truth that we call tabloids, have concluded that they hate certain celebrities.

The curious kitten in me couldn't help but record the show to see what all the hate was about. Well, needless to say, the first episode left my jaw on the floor, my eyes bulging in a this-has-to-be-a-joke sort of way, and my mind scrambling for some sense of understanding as to why any celebrity would ever agree to appear on this show, or, for that matter, why these haters haven't yet found something better to do with their time than sit around hating someone they don't know, based on what the media gossip-whores have deemed news-worthy information. You know, like how short Brittany Spears skirt was at one point, or how J-LO almost cut off all her hair and ran through the streets after discovering she wasn't the end all-be all of the entertainment world. You know, the news.

The premise of the show is essentially this: Mario Lopez and his dimples appear with the celebrity who's been spotlighted enough to apparently warrant actual hatred in the eyes of "regular people". And they listen to said haters as the haters moan and groan their way down their rationally-constructed list of I-hate-so-and-so-for-this-and-that-reason. Then, the celebrity confronts the hater to inquire about the hatred and to then spend some time convincing these haters to look beyond the tabloid gossip and like the celebrity for who they are.

The first episode of H8Rs was an hour long, and took me and my hubby about 2 hours to watch because of the constant pausing for fascinating and ultimately hilarious give-me-a-break infused discussions. Episode 1 involved a total loser that hated Snooki (Jersey Shore) and some girl who hated the Bachelor guy. I won't go into how mentally defeated both those haters were. Well, I just saw the second episode last night, and I gotta say, ".....to the H8Rs of Eva Longoria and Scott Disick (from the Kardashians) (and anyone else you haters don't personally know, in fact)....GET OVER YOURSELVES!"

First off, Scott's hater was a girl with a chip on her shoulder so big that I was sure she'd topple over; though to be honest, it might have been her glaring I'm-not-a-celebrity-therefore-I'm-a-better-person-than-you attitude that stems from hunchback of hatred syndrome, which she was clearly born with. This girl repeatedly called Scott Disick "the ultimate douche" because he (and I quote, because honestly, I couldn't make this up...well, I could, but only at the risk of sounding like a complete moron), "He has never done manual labor like regular people."

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Is she actually under the belief (or self-delusion) that the only jobs regular people hold involve manual labor? This girl criticized Scott's Lamborghini, then, after spending some time with him (bowling and telling him to prove himself worthy of her presence, by scraping gum off bowling shoes), she decided she wanted to drive the very car that, earlier, she called unimpressive and disrespectful to people who can't afford one; not a direct quote, but a fraternal twin to her underlying implication, mind you. She actually went on and on about how Scott was a bad person and deserved to be hated by her because he's never held, what she called over and over, "a real job. And this knowledge comes from where now? Her lifelong probe into his private life?

And then there was the hater of Eva Longoria. Or should I say, the hater of her weight. He wa

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By Elvin Lim

Yesterday was Independence Day, we correctly note. But most Americans do not merely think of July 4 as a day for celebrating Independence. We are told, especially by the Tea Partying crowd, that we are celebrating the birth of a nation. Not quite.

Independence, the liberation of the 13 original colonies form British rule, did not create a nation any more than a teenager leaving home becomes an adult. Far from it, even the Declaration of Independence (which incidentally, was not signed on July 4, but in August), did not even refer to the “United States” as a proper noun, but instead,  registered the “unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America.” And that was all we were in 1776 – a collection of states with no common mission, linked fate, or general government. This was the understanding of the the Franco-American treaties of 1778, which referred to the “United States of North America.”

America was not America until it was, well, constituted. The United States of America was born after the 9th State ratified the US Constitution, and Congress certified the same on September 13, 1788. So we should by all means celebrate the 4th, but confusing Independence with the birth of a nation has serious constitutional-interpretive implications. If the two are the same, then the Declaration’s commitment to negative liberty — freedom from government — gets conflated with the Constitution’s commitment to positive liberty — its charge to the federal government to “secure the Blessings of Liberty.” The fact of the matter is that government was a thing to be feared in 1776. Government, or so the revolutionaries argued, was tyrannical, distant, and brutish. But it was precisely a turnaround in sentiment in the years leading up to 1789 — the decade of confederal republican anarchy — that the States came around to the conclusion that government was not so much to be feared than it was needed. This fundamental reversal of opinion is conveniently elided in Tea-Party characterizations of the American founding.

It is no wonder that politicians can get American history so wrong if we ourselves — 84 percent, according to the National Constitution Center’s poll in 1997 — actually believe that the phrase “all men are created equal” are in the Constitution. Actually, quite the opposite. Those inspirational words in the Declaration of Independence have absolutely zero constitutional weight, and they cannot be adduced as legal arguments in any Court in the nation.

Nations are not built by collective fear. Jealousy is a fine republican sentiment, especially if it is directed against monarchy, but it is surely less of a virtue when directed against a government constituted by We the People unless jealousy against oneself is not a self-defeating thing. What remains a virtuous sentiment, in monarchies or in republics, however, is fellow-feeling, a collective identification with the “general Welfare.” America can move in the direction of “a more perfect Union” only if citizens can come to accept that the Declaration of Independence was the prelude to the major act, and not the culminating act in itself. At the very least, we could get an extra federal holiday in September.

Hooray--it’s Poetry Friday! Today’s poem and lesson plan are at the end of this post.

I’ve always felt that that if nothing else, I’m good at being a portal. A conduit between what someone wants and how they can get it. That's what has given me the to courage to teach Writing Picture Books for Children through UCLA Extension’s Writer’s Program for over a decade. This class is for newbie children’s book writers--not for those who have read a lot, taken classes, submitted stories, or joined organizations.

To these toe-in-the-water beginners I assign two books. The first is

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Publishing Children’s Books—3^rd Edition by Harold Underdown.

This is a comprehensive, down-to-earth guide—worth reading cover-to-cover and easy to dip into as a reference. It presents a broad overview of the field but also gives specifics. As with all Idiot Guides, it's easy to browse and packed with extras like "Vocabulary Lists," which explain terms in the children's publishing industry; "Class Rules," which detail warnings and cautions; "Can You Keep a Secret?" which include tips and resources to help a children's writer or illustrator present him or herself as a pro; and my favorite, "Playground Stories," which are anecdotes from and profiles of children's authors and publishers, giving an insiders view of the children's publishing world.

The other required book is Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott.

Teaching Authors Jeanne Marie and Mary Ann have both talked about Bird by Bird...and I’m going to talk about again. Because yes, it’s that good.

My favorite chapter is the one on jealousy, which changed my life. I read it at least once a year to quell my burning heart.

Though I happily celebrate most friends' successes, some colleagues' successes cause me great agony and confusion. Several years ago, someone gently suggested that perhaps I shouldn't read the book review section right before I went to sleep. She was right. When I'd see certain names, I'd toss and turn all night, feeling like I'd lost a race I didn't even know I was in.

I am a mean and tiny person with tight fists and a black heart.

This is really embarrassing to admit.

I've been more loving to myself about this in the last few years, and Anne Lamott's BIrd by Bird is a big reason why. She writes:
“But if you continue to write, you are probably going to have to deal with [jealousy], because some wonderful dazzling successes are going to happen for some of the most awful, angry undeserving writers you know—people who are, in other words, not you."

and later,

"It can wreak just the tiniest bit of havoc with your self-esteem to find that you are hoping for small bad things to happen to this friend--for, say, her head to blow up."

Who, me?

She writes about seeing a documentary on AIDS:

"You could see the amazing fortitude of people going through horror with grace...seeing that this is what you've got, this disease, or maybe even this jealousy. So you do as well as you can with it. And this ravaged body or wounded psyche...should...be cared for as softly and tenderly as possble."

Lamott has shown me that yes, I have this tendency to be jealous, yes, I have this green spot on my heart…and though I try each year to make it smaller, I may have to live with that little green spot, be amused by that part of me and love myself anyway.

I’m human. What a surprise.

Writing Workout / Lesson Plan—
Metaphor—Getting a Handle on a Really Uncomfortable Feeling

For ages 7 through adult (or younger, with individual help.)

Objective: This lesson reminds us how writing can help us when we feel awful. (And if the feeling doesn’t go away, at least we’ve got a poem out of it!)

Instructions:

1. Think of someone or something that fills you with envy (or another awful feeling).

2. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath.

3. Feel this feeling in your stomach, in your bloodstream, filling every bone in your body.

4. Or instead, think about what helps drive this emotion from your body. Feel the relief as it leaves through the top of your head, through your finger tips, through the bottoms of your feet.

5. Brainstorm at least five metaphors for jealousy or for what makes jealousy go away. Are you a leaf and is your jealousy a worm chewing on you? Is your jealousy a ring in the bathtub being scrubbed clean with Ajax cleanser?

6. Write a poem using one of your metaphors.

7. Write honestly—even if it embarrasses you.

ANYTHING I CAN DO YOU CAN DO BETTER

or

CAN OF WORMS

by April Halprin Wayland

Varda once told us

that we were all cans on a shelf.

Cans of chili, kidney beans, split pea soup.

I decided that I was a can of apricot halves.

She said that the shelf was only one can deep

but that it stretched out forever

so there’s always room

for one more.

“You don’t have to be afraid that adding another can
means there isn’t enough room for you,”she said.

“You can even help a new can

onto the shelf next to you.”

And she never talked

about jealousy again.

© April Halprin Wayland

Out and About

I’m giving a short program and book signing at the fabulous

Children’s Book World in Los Angeles on Saturday, September 26^th at 10:30 am.

If you can’t come, call 310-559-2665 (310-559-book) and they’ll send you your very own autographed copy of New Year at the Pier!

All drawings by April Halprin Wayland

A Tale of Jealousy, Revenge, and Death (with a Happy Ending) by Henrik Drescher Candlewick 2008 Blurb: Extremely satisfying in a very old-school sort of way, but what a strange planet it seems to have come from. McFig, a widower, shows up one day having purchased a plot of land next to another widower named McFly. Both men hit it off instantly, as do their children Anton and Rosie. McFig

Visit my blog for the step-by-step illustration progress